The Itemized List.
Duly Noted stared at the towering crystal tree, letting her eyes trail the long branches that hung above her.
The crooked crystal branches stretched across the sky, catching a few clouds in their long branches when they drifted by. Duly had seen a lot of interesting homes over her long career, from cloud castles to swamp shacks, but the tree in front of her was unlike anything she had ever seen before. But, considering her file, the odd new home was the least of her concerns.
Taking in a deep breath, Duly trotted up the staircase to the front door and knocked. It took about two minutes and another round of knocking for a small dragon to answer and invite her inside.
The hallways in the castle were surprisingly long and winding, and only rarely even. Some halls were large enough for entire carts, some were only big enough for two ponies, and some were even on slight inclines.
Duly bit her tongue as she trotted behind, keeping any complaints to herself as she readjusted her saddlebags. The thick binders in them constantly bumped her barrel, reminding her of the real reason for her visit. She could handle a long trot if it meant that she could get some answers from the new alicorn.
After another minute of trotting up a spiraling staircase, Duly was led to a small library by the dragon. “Twilight! Somepony is here about your insurance claim!” He yelled, causing the mare to poke her head out from behind one of the shelves.
“Oh? Really? It’s only been three months since I made that claim, I thought it would take longer,” the princess commented idly, placing her book back on the shelf before she trotted out with a hoof out to Duly. “Hi, I’m Twilight. It’s nice to meet you Miss…”
“Noted, Duly Noted,” she replied, accepting Twilight’s hoof with her own as the princess smiled.
“Nice to meet you Ms. Noted. Spike, can you get some more tea for her?”
“Oh, no, it’s fine, princess. If it’s alright with you, I’d like to get started on the task at hoof.”
“Okay, so when can I get an estimate on what can’t be replaced?”
“I’m not here for that, actually. We had a few… concerns about some of your claims that we wanted to verify.”
“Oh, what do you mean? I’m sure I provided the right paper work and proof of ownership for everything.”
“Yes,” she hesitantly agreed, bringing the thick binder up to her muzzle as she leafed through the pages. “You kept a fantastically meticulous record, and so far, we’ve been able to verify most of your purchases and possessions but… Well, we just want to make sure there aren’t any mistakes.”
“Okay, so what do you need to do?”
“We just need to ask you about some of the items listed and confirm that you wrote them down.”
“Oh, that’s easy enough. Alright, ask away,” the young alicorn said, leading Duly to a table where they could both sit down. Duly took her seat across from the princess, flipping to a section dedicated to Twilight’s long collection of books.
“Alright. Let’s start with this then. You listed all of your books, and one of them was, ‘A copy of Nightmare’s Moon’s Message’,” she observed, earning a nod from the purple princess.
“Yup, funny story about that, actually. It was actually in another library in Canterlot that ended up closing the next day. I was really lucky to get it.”
“Yes… And… do you know why it closed down?”
“Hmmm. No, not really,” the princess shrugged. “Why, is it important?”
“It is, because the Lyre Library in Caterlot actually sold illegal books. Nightmare Moon’s Message was banned seven hundred years ago.”
“What? Th-that can’t be right. I mean, Celestia recommended that Library to me.”
“Reaallly,” Duly Noted noted, jotting down the princess’ name as she moved on. “I’ll need to speak with her as well then. The next item I’d like to address is, ‘Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-Alls That are Simply Super.’ You had this book as well?”
“Yeah, it actually came with the library when I moved here. I was really surprised by all the helpful remedies inside. Did you know that there’s actually a treatment for BearBee stings?”
“Yes, but that book is also illegal. Celestia banned the distribution of that book seven hundred years ago,” Duly told her, causing the princess to scrunch up.
“But… but it has a cure for poison joke and so many other poisons!” The purple princess protested, earning a light nod from Duly.
“Yes, but some of those remedies require illegal plants, and several others can be used to make illicit substances.”
“Okay… I… I never knew that,” Twilight said, letting her hooves rest on the table as Duly moved on.
“Yes, well… I’m afraid these are the less concerning books. For example, you listed, and I quote, ‘A comic book that can suck creatures into the story,’” she read aloud, receiving a more hesitant nod from Twilight.
“Is… is that bad?”
“It’s… Illegal. Like, more illegal than Dark Magic, illegal,” Duly explained. “It’s a compressed reality spell that essentially lets a pony play Faust. Now, because of you we opened up an investigation into several comic shops and we were able to locate the distributor. They’re currently under investigation for a few other cursed comics that we were able to find.”
“Okay, so at least I could help you with that, right? I… there’s not a problem with me just owning these books, right?”
“If you were only a buyer, then perhaps. But, if I recall, you listed your occupation as a librarian on these claims, correct?”
“I uh… Yes? Yes, I was. And I can promise you that I didn’t lend out any of those books… E-except the Supernatural remedies, but it was only the one page.”
“I see… But, if I came to your library asking for a copy of Starswirl’s Seven Silent Spells.”
“Oh, that would be on the second shelf of the history section,” Twilight happily replied, unaware of the trap that Duly set for her.
“I see. Now, tell me, Ms. Sparkle, are you familiar with the ‘Want-it-need-it’ spell?”
“I uh… I might be.”
“And you’re aware that it can be found in the book I just asked you about? And that both the book and the spell in question are highly illegal?” Duly pressed, causing Twilight to shrink in her seat.
“I uh… W-well I’m sure we can both look through your binder and see if I maybe put down a few books I didn’t own.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. But, we still have another binder we need to go through after this one. You had a very meticulous list,” Duly Noted said, dropping the even thicker binder on the table as she flipped to the first page. “You know, I think I changed my mind about the tea. I believe we’re going to be here for quite a while.”
Princess Celestia looked at the long list of felonies that Duly presented her, each one accompanied by a massive fine for every illegal book or trinket Twilight owned.
“Duly, it’s… I’m impressed by how thorough you were in your investigation.”
“Of course, your majesty. I take my job very seriously.”
“As expected of a retired S.M.I.L.E. Agent. But, I’m sure we can overlook some of these issues.”
“We could, with the princess’ pardon that is.”
“Well of course I’ll pardon Twi—”
“Not you, ma’am,” Duly interrupted, pulling out a loose paper from her bags. “As stated by Equestrian law, should an alicorn commit a crime, their rights and privileges to the throne are revoked, unless pardoned by another princess.”
“Well, yes, and I’m about to pardon Twilight.”
“You could… If Luna wasn’t the reigning monarch right now.”
“Wh-what?!” Celestia suddenly gasped. “B-but I haven’t committed any crimes.”
“Well…” Duly trailed off, pulling out a binder as she sat down on the carpet. “There are a few things we’d like to ask you. Firstly, we have a missing ponies report for a ‘Sunset Shimmer’, and… Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but you told investigators that you had no idea where she was.”
Celestia sat silently as she stared down at Duly, before her eyes flicked over to the thick tome that the mare brought with her.
“… I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”
“Probably a lot, yeah,” she noted.