The Royal Cult

by Banjo64

Chapter 5: The Royal Cult that Never Was

It was a beautiful morning in the Crystal Empire. Well, to be fair, with a magic crystal heart ensuring perfect weather every day this wasn’t anything special. But it was still nice.

Princess Cadance hummed a happy tune as she made her way to the nursery. It was hard to believe her little angle (or possibly eldritch horror if she were honest with herself) was already a year old. A year old and three days. Honestly, Cadance was going to blink, and her baby would be a grown mare ready to set off on her own. Possibly saving and/or destroying the world, all things considered.

But when she reached the nursery and opened the door, she didn’t see her daughter awake and already causing trouble. The cradle was empty and one of the windows was broken, showing clear signs of a break in.

Cadance just let out a sigh, turned around, and made her way back the way she’d come. She didn’t run. She didn’t panic. She just calmly trotted back to her bedroom to see her husband going through his morning routine.

“Shining…” started Cadance.

Shining Armor let out a sigh of his own, and turned to his wife with an expression of the utmost annoyance.

“Let me guess, they did it again?” asked Shining Armor.

“They did it again,” deadpanned Cadance.

---

Flurry Heart woke up to the sound of chanting, and was instantly annoyed. Even at her young age, she knew exactly what had happened. Mostly because this just kept happening again and again.

“The harbinger awakens! Praise be to the mistress of storms! The winter’s fury! The offspring of…” chanted the ponies.

Yep, and now the weird ponies were saying the weird words she didn’t know again. Autie Twilight did that too, but at least she actually explained the big words when she used them to Flurry Heart. Also, that was Autie Twilight. These ponies were strangers. Also, just plain strange.

“... for she shall be the end of the false prophets and their heretic followers! Her wrath shall tear down this wretched world and rebuild it in her image! Praise be! Praise be!” said the leader.

Flurry toned them out. They really weren’t worth listening to. It had been scary the first few times, but now it was just boring. And she was getting hungry. She always had to wait for breakfast when this happened. Was this going to take much longer?

“Now, let us begin the ritual to awaken her true power!” cried the leader.

Wait… were they talking about…

Oh, not that ugly thing again!

---

BOOM!

Cadance quickly lifted her binoculars and turned towards the noise.

“Got it. She’s in the Sapphire district,” she called.

“Sapphire…” noted Shining.

“The cultists flying into the sky are wearing turquoise robes,” called Cadance.

“Turquoise…” noted Shining.

“And… yep, there she is. She’s holding one of those stupid ‘enchanted’ diapers,” noted Cadance.

“Diaper… and the time is… 8:17,” noted Shining.

He stepped away from the chalkboard, looking at the results. The gathered guards watched in eager anticipation.

“OK… no one bet on turquoise… the closest time was 8:30… so it looks like the winner is… Private Sheer Cold,” announced Shining.

“Yes!” cheered Sheer Cold, giving a hoof pump.

There were a few grumbles from the others, but nopony objected as Shining Armor stepped forward and presented Sheer Cold with a scroll.

“Alright, private. As the winner, you have first claim to deliver the speech. Do you accept it?” asked Shining Armor.

“Yes sir. It would be my pleasure,” said Sheer Cold with a grin.

---

Five minutes later, the group reached the site of the explosion. The building the cultists had gathered in had been reduced to ash, and the cloaked ponies were skewed around in various degrees of agony. Unsurprisingly, most of them were crystal ponies.

Once the group was spotted, Flurry Heart quickly flew down to hug her mother, tossing the “magic” diaper to the side. As Cadance cooed and calmed the baby alicorn, the guards checked to make sure no one was too seriously injured, then dragged the lot of them together for the speech.

Private Sheer Cold pulled out the scroll and cleared his throat. The other guards got comfy to enjoy the show.

“Well, mares and gentlecolts, it would appear your little get together has had a bit of a set back. I’d offer my sympathies, but frankly, I think you morons got off lucky,” said Sheer Cold.

A few of the cultists that weren’t groaning in pain gave the guard looks of confusion.

“You see, trying to kidnap a member of the royal family is kind of a serious crime. But seeing as young Flurry Heart lashing out is technically a royal act of rebuttal, that’s considered sufficient punishment for that particular crime. So, you’ll be pleased to know your sentence is likely to be reduced,” said Sheer Cold.

“However, that was not your only crime. Breaking and entering, unlawful entry into the restricted section of the palace, and most of all, formation of a cult in the name of worshiping one of the alicorns. Which, all things considered, is a truly moronic crime to commit,” said Sheer Cold.

“You dare mock our devotion?!” cried one of the cultists.

Sheer Cold only grinned and continued reading. Once again, things were going exactly according to the script. No matter how many times this happened, the cultists always responded the same way.

“Need you be reminded, the Solar Witnesses forced Celestia to bury all records of the Crystal Empire. And then, once connections began to finally be rebuilt, the Dark Legion began a smear campaign degrading all Crystal ponies because quote: “they’re all too shiny to appreciate the night” end quote. And before the Violet Librarians started to reign them in, the Pink Parade had terrorized the Empire for almost an entire year. After all that, why in Celestia’s name would any of you ever consider forming a cult a reasonable course of action?” asked Sheer Cold.

A small number of cultists had the decency to appear embarrassed. Far too few for anyone’s taste, but really, it was a miracle that rational discussion had any effect on these guys.

“And even if we ignore that, and the dozen or so attempts at forming cults that have had the exact same thing happen to them over the past year, what exactly were you hoping to achieve? Flurry Heart is a baby. She barely understands any of the titles and praise you’re trying to shove onto her. She’s not going to grant you any favors for your blind worship, and definitely not going to like you after kidnapping her. So please, for your own health and sanity, would you stop worshiping the baby alicorn already?” asked Sheer Cold.

Sheer Cold put down the scroll, and glanced towards the diaper lying on the ground.

“And stop using those stupid diapers. Aside from the fact that Flurry Heart hates those things because of the hideous colors, they don’t even work. The con artists who sold you them are internationally infamous crooks. Which only makes you all look even dumber for buying them,” finished Sheer Cold.

---

“Alright, that’s the last of them locked up in the dungeons. I’d say I’m worried about running out of room down there, but I’m starting to suspect that a number of them just keep escaping and trying to form another cult,” said Shining Armor.

“Most likely. We never got the chance to properly search the lower parts of the palace before we found ourselves having to use them. There might be some sort of escape route,” admitted Cadance.

Flurry Heart just giggled as her mother gave her belly another poke. She was much happier now that the creepy ponies were gone. She hoped they didn’t come back again.

“I blame the Pink Parade. We really, really should have had a plan ready for them when we first made our way out here,” said Shining with a shake of his head.

“I agree. We must have been out of our minds thinking they wouldn’t follow us,” said Cadance with a sigh.

“Or so desperate for relief that we fooled ourselves into having hope. Well, for now I’ll send some extra guards down to keep an eye on them. And maybe see about building a proper prison. Tradition be darned, we need to get this under control,” said Shining.

“Seriously. What do they even expect Flurry to do? Lead a rebellion because they gave her a cookie or something?” asked Cadance.

“Please, Flurry has better standards than that. She’d need at least three cookies and a new plush toy,” joked Shining Armor.

“You’re not actually picturing our daughter leading an army of cultists while she’s still in diapers, are you?” deadpanned Cadance.

“Oh come on, it’s a funny image and you know it,” said Shining with a goofy grin.

“... Ok, maybe it is,” admitted Cadance.

The two of them chuckled a bit, then started laughing as the details began popping into their heads. Flurry Heart had no idea what they were laughing about, but happily joined in. She was a baby after all. And if her parents were happy, she was happy.

At least until she remembered she was still hungry.

Author's Note:

And done. Thank you for reading.

Comments

[TitaniumTao]

I'm surprised that the Violet Librarians haven't attempted to recruit Starlight Glimmer, after all she is really good at setting up cults. Seriously though this was a bunch of laughs, and It does make me wonder if Opaline has a cult as well.

[Mystic Sunrise]

11544666
Starlight might just murder them though. Poor magic self-control and all. And Misty is Opaline's cult methinks. Sunny probably has one by now.

[PhycoKrusk]

11544666
What makes you think she isn't a Violet Librarian? Think about it! She understands the cult mentality, she's always close to Twilight, and she's got an actual grip on reality. She is the absolutely perfect choice to lead the Librarians and keep them in check.

[Fox Boss]

I think a fun idea for a continuation of this would be the Mane 6 had their own cults, with the thought process that eventually they'd likely all ascend, via osmosis or something, by absorbing some leftover 'Divineness' from the Elements.
That make sense?

[oddmin]

11544861
i agree

[Moonlight_Mist]

It was hard to believe her little angle (or possibly eldritch horror if she were honest with herself) was already a year old.

Flurry Heart is a rouge angle of satin confirmed.

[Herald of Opera]

11544710
It's only murder if you do it on purpose. Now, mareslaughter on the other hand... Well, there's a nonzero chance she's already guilty of that from the time she "banished" Discord (a genuine descriptor of what destroying his physical form accomplishes, admittedly).

[Mystic Sunrise]

11545287
This is Starlight we're talking about. So yes. She would do it on purpose. And since they're cultists, normal ponies would congratulate her probably. Look at Celestia, Luna, and Cadance's cults, and how the princesses view them.

Twilight would of course say something. But still.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Unwanted worship always makes for a fun time (well, for outside observers. Most of the time.) I can think of at least one Sunset Shimmer who could empathize all too well and regret that she can't pull a page out of Twilight's playbook. Delightful stuff throughout; thank you for it.

(I wonder if any of Twilight's friends want her to "share the wealth," as it were...)

[GrandCat]

All that story is just plain perfect.

[bronyparty15]

Praise the sun 🌞 \0/

[Mystic Sunrise]

11544822
?
11544828
Would Starlight even want to be part of the cult though?
11544854
Probably helps though. So only the most dedicated stick around for the whole thing, and therefore are part of the harem.
11544895
.

[Calliope Pony]

Those cultists had better watch out when Flurry hits the terrible twos.

[Double_Bubble]

11544828

She is the absolutely perfect choice to lead the Librarians and keep them in check.

Ehem. A proper head of church cult leader uses cult members for their own nefarious and selfish purposes while pretending to serve their goddess.
Yeah she would be a good choice. She would probably be glad to try every stallion. And mare. For the appropriate skills of their chosen role and perhaps others.

[Double_Bubble]

11546213
Twice the crime. First the perfectly good pig, then the bacon.

[Eroraf86]

I'm currently picturing God (the Judeo-Christian one) reading over my shoulder, laughing, and taking notes. I know for a fact He isn't, but given some of the things certain of His "worshipers" think and do, it's fun to imagine.

[Killer20]

the fact that this is an aprils fools story is almost a crime because this is sooo goood !! ( granted you did say you put effort into this and it shows but still...april fools kinda drags everything it touches down... )
still I loved every second of this !!

[vectorVll]

What would discord Cult this look like?

[anunenka]

11549495
Easy! He'd just imply he had a cult and leave it at that.

[white1498]

after reading this I'm now curious about one thing: how will sunny starscout react to her own cult when it forms?

[A.P.O.N.I.]

11544954

rouge angle of satin

Right, that's my new OC.

[Moonlight_Mist]

11554892
Wait...if the correct lever is the one that drops something and has something to do with water whether directly or incidentally, then what does the wrong lever do? Does it open a fake entrance to a non-existent secret lab that's really just a roller coaster ride into a brick wall?

[Fox Boss]

I think some fun alternate Cults would be for groups, like one for the Elder Goddesses(Celestia and Luna), one for the New Goddesses(Cadence and Twilight), one for the Element Bearers, etc.

[Uz Naimat]

For something expressly written as an April Foolsʼ joke, this was magnificent.

I love everything about this. Youʼd think that after four chapters of dealing with cultists would get repetitive, but no. Each chapter, and each princessʼs method, felt fresh and original and new. I love the constant, once-per-chapter mentions of the harem, the made-up titles, Twilight and Shiningʼs cultists parents and, of course, the BOOM! explosions.

The comedy has got to be one of the best Iʼve read on this site. Every single joke landed. I was grinning and cackling the entire time, even tearing up a couple times. Iʼve never read any other story of yours, but this is just golden.

I would like to point a couple things that I also absolutely love about this - Celestiaʼs gradual indifference, the Cult Compensation Forms, the Canterlot water supply flush, Nightmare Moonʼs pragmatic villainy, the pint sacrifice, Cadence playing up her youth, Twilightʼs drama lessons with Trixie and the ingenious plan to sabotage the other cults.

And, the cherry on top of the four-generations-banned cake, the freakinʼ bet that Cadence and Shining made with the guards at the end.

To conclude, this is an absolutely stunning piece. Humorous, fun, lighthearted and undeniably hilarious. Excellent work, Banjo64.

And in the spirit of this fic...

Praise be to Banjo, Creator of Comedy and Bringer of the Funny!

Some readers have pointed out that youʼve misspelled a few words every now and again. Example include an instance of Cadance in Chapter 3, coronation (twice) and Wielder in Chapter 4 and angel in Chapter 5. Just a few minor typos, though, we all have ʼem.