Ivermectin
Twilight Gets Worms
Admiral Biscuit
Nurse Redheart looked at the clipboard she held in her hoof, then back at Twilight. “I’m afraid the test came back positive.”
Twilight sighed and set her head down on the hotel bed. Not that it was a surprise; Twilight knew her body well and, when she remembered, was as obsessive with her health as everything else.
In fact, that was something she’d learned from humans. They’d invented what they called smart watches which could monitor heart rate and such and keep track of it, they could tell when she was sleeping or when she wasn’t, and they could chart it.
They weren’t smart enough to track everything, nor were they really built for equines, but the idea was appealing. It was easy to nip a problem in the bud when it was a small problem, after all.
“It was the Chipotle, wasn’t it?” Twilight had never understood why so many ponies loved Taco Bell when Chipotle existed. Fresher ingredients, more generous portions . . . she was eating more of it than was really healthy, but stuck in a hotel for the duration, what else was there?
Weirdly, despite her skepticism that thousand-calorie burritos were really healthy—despite what Chipotle claimed—she’d actually been losing weight.
Nurse Redheart nodded. “You’re the only one with worms, and you’re the only one who’s been eating Chipotle.”
“Goddammit.”
She’d been blissfully oblivious, until she caught a glance at one of her fewmets, and saw a worm. Twilight hadn’t really needed Nurse Redheart to confirm, but it was always wise to get a professional opinion.
“At least I don’t have any meetings to go to tomorrow,” Twilight muttered. “Did you bring the turpentine? Can you get that on Earth?”
Nurse Redheart shook her head. “There’s no need for a turpentine and linseed oil drench. Unless you really want to, some ponies are old-fashioned when it comes to their medical preferences. No, humans have invented better drugs to take care of them. Although it does still taste nasty.”
“My Mom always said that you know it’s good for you because it tastes bad.”
“So did mine. I’m not going to tell Nursery Rhyme that, because if she’s anything like me she’ll find a spoiled egg in the icebox and think that it must be good for her.”
Twilight frowned. “Did you actually do that? I knew my Mom was lying to make me feel better when she said it.”
“I wasn’t as clever as you when I was a filly,” Nurse Redheart admitted. “Still not a fan of eggs, even if they’re rich in protein. You can make the human dewormer taste better with honey or molasses.”
“Am I going to need a scrip from a human?”
“That’s the best part,” Nurse Redheart said. “You don’t have to go to a pharmacy for it, you can get it at any farm supply store.” She tugged a piece of paper off her clipboard and mouthed it towards Twilight, who took it in her field. “Those are directions to the nearest Tractor Supply Company, there’s a bus stop in the mall next door, and you—”
With a magenta flash, both Twilight and the map disappeared.
“—can just . . . Faust, I wish I could teleport.”
💉💉💉
Teleporting with maps wasn’t easy, especially printouts of a Google-generated one that lacked any thaumic waypoints, leylines, or sidereal notations, but Twilight wasn’t an alicorn for nothing. She aimed high, got close, overshot on her second teleport, and appeared right next to the cart corral on her third.
Human stores tended to have big signs at the ends of the aisles giving a summary of what was down each, so an unfamiliar store was no problem. “Nutritional supplements and medication” the sign said, and that was what she wanted. In fact, since she was already here, there was no harm in getting another mineral block. The one in her hotel room was nearly used up.
They probably didn’t have molasses, though. Luckily, her second teleport had put her almost directly above a Kroger; she could stop there on her way back to the hotel.
She trotted down the aisle. The mineral blocks were familiar, and she grabbed her favorite brand off the shelf as soon as she spotted it, then turned to read the names of medications.
It didn’t take her long to find where Ivermectin should be, but it wasn’t there. Instead, there was simply a note:
Ivermectin will only be sold to horse owners. ⭐MUST SHOW PIC OF YOU AND YOUR HORSE⭐
Really?
Twilight tore the note off the shelf and held it aloft, along with the mineral block, and stomped up to the customer service desk.
💉💉💉
She slammed the mineral block down on the counter, since it made a far more satisfying noise than a slip of paper.
“You can’t own ponies,” she hissed. “That’s slavery.”
“Ah, you’re misunderstanding,” the Guest Services Girl stammered. “See, the thing is that some people have gotten it in their heads that they can treat COVID with horse dewormer and they’re buying all our stock and making themselves sick, it’s like the fish medicine all over again.”
“Or Tide Pods.” Twilight massaged her temple. “That trend somehow made it to Equestria, and I had to issue a Royal Proclamation which inadvertently made it MORE enticing to some ponies. I appreciate you keeping it out of the hooves of—” she almost said ‘idiots’ then reconsidered— “irresponsible people, but what exactly do you mean by horse owners if not slavery? I thought we made ourselves clear with the Budweiser Clydesdales.”
“I remember hearing about that.”
Twilight nodded. “Did you know Baron Realization has authored a book? It was on the New York Times bestseller list. They’re doing fine under our care.”
“Your care, huh?”
Twilight flared her wings. “We don’t make them do anything they don’t want to, they don’t even have to pull wagons any more if they don’t want to but some of them like it and that’s neither here nor there.” She sighed. “I think we got off on the wrong hoof, I know humans have horses and they’re not the same as ponies and I know that most humans love and care for their horses, just like I love and care for Owlowiscious and. . .” what even is the line between a sapient and an animal? How can I be sure?
While Twilight zoned out, the Customer Service Girl set a tube of Ivermectin on the counter, right next to the mineral block.
“. . . and I guess I’m just upset because I got worms from eating too much Chipotle and I’m sorry for getting upset with you and I’m sorry for tearing down your sign.”
“It’s been stressful for all of us. I’ll tell you what, I’ll make a new sign that says ‘horse caretakers.’ Would that make you feel better?”
Twilight nodded.
“Do you need anything besides the mineral block and the Ivermectin?”
Twilight shook her head, then remembered what else she needed. “Do you have molasses?”
The Customer Service Girl tapped her fingers on the counter in thought. “Uh, in the hunting aisle we’ve got Evolved Habitats premium wildlife attractant by the gallon, or if you’re looking for something more as a treat there are the Equus Magnificus German horse treats. I always liked mint to cover the taste of something bitter, though, not something else bitter.”
“What do you suggest?”
“The Equine Edibles candy cane bran mash.”
“Have you ever tried it?”
“No, but if you’re not satisfied, bring it back for a full refund.”
💉💉💉
Twilight did drop into Kroger as a backup plan and found both a bottle of Golden Barrel Unsulfured Blackstrap molasses and a variety pack of Celestial Seasonings tea. And a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup as she waited in line, because it had been a stressful afternoon.
She ate the Reese’s in the parking lot, trying not to think about the worms getting one last meal they might like, then was back in the hotel in a flash.
EPILOGUE
The candy cane bran mash was as good as the Customer Service Girl had promised, and the Ivermectin shifted the worms as advertised.
Pre-read by a bunch of people who might not want to be named. 
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Yessss! It was my pleasure to preread and to have inspired, however indirectly.
Remember: if you are not a horse with worms, don't take the horse dewormer!
Oh, Biscuit, never change <3
Moral of the story: Tractor Supply Company is the healthier option for visiting ponies, though they may need to provide their own hot sauce.
Also, love the callback to the Budweiser Clydesdales.
This also pleases, and now I'm thinking of farm supply stores as being pony Walgreens. :)
The things that we as a species will resort to, simply to avoid doing something else.
Oh boy, lets see how the comments roll in on this story
Breaking News: Humans are not always as clever as advertised.
10960137
I'm sure they will be thoughtful and well-reasoned.
Until this inevitably hits the feature box, anyway.
I love it. Thank you.
Though I must say it takes real courage for Twilight Sparkle to go to Chipotle, considering her phobia of Quesadillas...
Oh you!
Cute! Hopefully Chipotle never gets wind of this story.
"Isn't there a cure using magic?"
"Well, yes. First you find a really good friend. Then you give them an axe and a bucket. Then you use a shrinking potion..."
Very few people actually ate Tide Pods, but then Ponies seem even more gullible than people.
I didn't even know people were doing this until I saw this story and another on the front page. smh at this point that this is a real thing.
... And then Twiggles overdosed 'cause she didn't listen what Redheart said
naturalblaze.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/yo-worms-image-2018.jpg
I take it some severely dislikes Chipotle. I like it far better the Taco Bell.
Why are there two ivermectin stories in the featured box at the same time? Did something happen?
10960336
Bandwagoning.
After the franchise wars of 2025 Taco Bell won henceforth all restaurants became Taco Bell...
10960326
Ditto
10960352
This was playing in my head too
Teleportation is not as handy as one might think. If you're not careful, you can wind up in a lot of trouble.
Also, do I want to know where this fresh madness came from?
What is an... "asiles"?
Oh no. Twi, I don't think you were supposed to eat that!
This was good.
I don't know why I enjoy stories about Twilight having mundane setbacks, but I do. I also find that I'm really enjoying these ponies on earth stories. They really point out a lot of ridiculous things we do. And not just this ivermectin stupidity.
Also...I completely forgot invoking the name of Faust as being a thing. God that brings back memories.
Can all the princesses issue proclamations with the same level of authority?
10960393
An "aisles" is the row of shelves in the store that has all the items for sale.
They add an A to the front in order to distinguish it from "isle"
10960336
People were taking that medicine to treat covid, mostly it was antivaxxers and people who don't think covid is real.
Why is it that people took ivermectin, an animal medicine, with a second thought but treated hydroxychloroquine, which has been used as human medicine for decades, like some kind of deadly poison?
Edit: This is not a question about the effectiveness of either. I'm asking about the different reactions.
Good read.
On another note;
Was that a crack aimed at, Spike. Because it feels like it was aimed at Spike.
10960417
Yes, but look at the way it was spelled, lol
10960429
Not all medications are equal. A dewormer, even one for horses, is at least limited in its effect. Hydroxychloroquine, though, is a complex drug that can have some slightly more... fatal side-effects. (iirc I believe one of them is an increased chance of heart-attacks, but don't quote me on that)
Neither of them are shown to have any affect against covid, btw.
But like anything in this matter, if you have question: Go to your trusted physician or family doctor. Don't take advice from some random idiot on the internet.
10960454
Ho snaps. I didn't notice.
Since I gave the 88th like, does that entitle me to a free time machine?
10960458
https://maximumfun.org/episodes/sawbones/sawbones-hydroxychloroquine/
You may enjoy that.
10960429
The same people took both. And both were equally dumb
Delightful!
10960429
Because "the man" told us to take the human medicine, so it's got to be part of their plan.
10960458
HCQ has 70+ years of effective use with no ill effects. World wide Malaria treatment.
IVN is an effective anti viral / parasite cleanse. May also have anti cancer qualities .
Copper sulfate has uses too.
IVN has 99% effect on stopping the Coof as seen in India who are now suing CDC medical Doctors for false information leading to deaths.
Masks do not stop viruses -
The Mederna-Astea Zenica & J&J injections have caused 12,600+ deaths, 2.8 million injuries and 6,000 fetal deaths.
(Well beyond the more than 20 year history totals of all deaths caused by injections)
Look beyond the headlines
total deaths by all causes in US = 2.8 million for the last 9 years no change in numbers [NIH/CDC]
Just like SockPuppet's story with Ivermectin, yours is just as much of a treat to enjoy like theirs! Just in your own unique lil' way! In all regards, this certainly made things informative and enjoyable all at the same time! Hope ya didn't mind, but I simply had to make a reading of this fic of yours!
Audio Linky!: https://youtu.be/aqQwquL3_BE
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
All the weird drama aside in the comments and everything else, this was a funny story. I liked it
10960547
Funny. I wonder why people are so dead-set on trying to use anti-parasitic drugs against a virus. Malaria is also a parasitic infection.
Also, medications can be used at various different doses. From what I read, the problem is that there's no dose of hydroxychloroquine low enough to lack ill effects, yet high enough to have beneficial effects against COVID.
Step 1 for convincing people you're worth taking seriously: Prove that you haven't just been taken in by nonsense sites by linking to the court filing on the official government site from whatever country the suit was filed in.
Masks catch droplets of saliva, containing viruses. Even a child can understand the interaction between droplets of fluid and cloth.
First, it's hard to take you seriously when you can't even hyphenate the names correctly, let alone spell them correctly. Second, please provide a citation that proves your sources are working from more than raw VAERS data.
(VAERS explicitly allows self-reporting and any person who knows how to use it properly will tell you that it's raw data... i.e. it has high numbers because it does nothing to filter out causally unconnected stuff like "Got vaccinated, then drove drunk again, their luck ran out, they died in a car crash, and their doctor decided to file a VAERS report" or "Was already fighting cancer and lost their battle with it shortly after getting vaccinated". You're perfectly capable of filing a VAERS report pretending to be the doctor of someone who died.)
Also, even if that were the case, which I don't believe (especially when the rich are applying every corrupt trick in the book to cut to the front of the line), COVID has caused 638,689 deaths in the U.S. alone (source: CDC) and has longer-term (possibly permanent) effects, including things like potential permanent lung damage. That's about five times as many deaths as you claim the vaccine has caused. (Even more if you're using global numbers rather than U.S.-only ones.)
Hell, here in Canada, where we've got a tenth of the U.S. population, we've still had 26,932 deaths from COVID (source: Health Canada) which is more than twice the mortality rate you claim for the vaccine... and our vaccine reluctance is significantly lower than in the U.S. where it's become a political issue.
(And, funny enough, with lower vaccine reluctance, we've had lower per-capita COVID deaths.)
10960547
We got ourselves a live one, fellas
10960547
Neither ivermectin nor hydroxychloroquine do anything for Covid-19.
Everything you say about the vaccines is wrong.
Stop spreading dangerous malinformation, and get vaccinated instead.
10960547
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/869/628/370.gif
10960393
She's not EATING it, you silly billy ..
You know, when I first heard people were eating horse paste to treat Covid, for a hot second i thought they were actually consuming pureed, liquified horse flesh.
Somehow the reality is actually even dumber than my wildest THC-fueled imaginings.
10960585
Ooooh, lol. The way it was phrased made me think she was treating it like a salt lick.