A Modest Proposal

by Seer

"Okay, but hypothetically..."

"...I'm sorry sister, can you repeat that?"

"Oh come now Luna, you're not going to actually make me repeat myself are you? You are sat but two metres away from me, you heard me."

"Yes but-"

"We've been at this for seven hours, Luna, and we're just now coming up to the halfway point. It's going to take much longer if you need me to repeat myself." Celestia explained in a condescending, monotone voice.

"I am fully aware of our situation and, yes, I heard you. I could repeat what I heard if necessary," Luna bristled, reaching across the table to pour herself a glass of iced water, her third in two hours, "But, you see, I'm so totally convinced you cannot have said the thing I heard than I need you to repeat yourself."

"Look..." Celestia sighed, pinching the bridge of her muzzle, "I'm just saying... could we just kill off all the poor?"

"HAST THOU TAKEN LEAVE OF THINE MIND?" Luna boomed.

"Oh just stop with that sister," Celestia replied dismissively.

"Thou has just implied we commit the most odious genocide against the most vulnerable of our-"

"Okay okay, but stop with that." Celestia interjected, brandishing at Luna the very same quill she had used to sign off on a plan for new rates of grain subsidies not moments prior, "The whole 'return to your archaic dialect when angry thing'. I know full well it's for dramatic effect."

"Well," Luna spluttered, burning red, "Dramatic it may be, but I think at a certain point drama becomes expected if not necessary! Why would you suggest such a thing?!"

"Luna, moonbeam," Celestia replied patronisingly, "It is our job as rulers to discuss measures some may find utterly repellent. It is a thankless, heavy burden we carry, but it is one that Equestria needs us carry regardless."

"Okay, okay, let's discuss it." Luna replied, reaching across the table to gather her abacus and spreadsheets, "You explain to me, since the originator of policy bears the burden of convincing others of it's efficacy, why killing the poor would accomplish the problem we face."

"Well, it's simple-"

"Said problem being, as I'm sure a statesmare as accomplished as you doesn't need reminding, that we don't have enough funding for local initiatives to promote the creative arts."

"Well... I think..." An accomplished statesmare was an understatement when referring to Celestia. An immortal god-queen, a master of law and politics both, who had preempted and ended potential wars over afternoon tea. It was somewhat underwhelming, then, to see this titan of governance simply stare off into space of a few moments.

"This is a meeting between equals, dear sister," she finally replied lazily, "This is a space for us both to collaborate, not one to argue over the other."

Luna gawked in abject horror as the sister she loved, after having brazenly suggested the most contemptible of crimes, simply abdicated all responsibility for the idea. Celestia then, as if to add insult to the injury, set up the irritating Newton's cradle desk toy she had brought along on a cycle of quietly distracting clacking that would last for several minutes. At least.

"Okay fine, I don't think we should pursue that abhorrent idea, does my equal agree?"

"You can't think of a single way it would help?" Celestia asked, "Truly not one? Hmm..."

"What?" Luna barked.

"Oh, nothing,"

"No, you clearly had something to say, so out with it."

"Well, it's just that you were always the wizkid with policy Luna. I'm surprised you cannot think of a single way it may solve our problem," she baited, a hint of a smirk dancing on her face.

"I am good with policy Celestia," Luna growled, "But I cannot work miracles."

"Clearly."

"Okay, since I am demonstrably inept, how about you tell me one way that would work?" Luna said tersely, setting down her beloved abacus with great care.

"Well..." Celestia began, moving her hoof in a slow, circular motion as if to mimic the cogs of her mind, "So we need to increase funding for the creative arts, yes?"

"Yes."

"And we know that consumers of said arts, in terms of gallery visitation, concert and theatre attendance eccetera, tend to be those from more affluent socioeconomic classes. So we just get rid of everyone who is less likely to participate."

Luna looked at her sister across the table, eye twitching as Celestia poured herself her fifth tall glass of iced water in two hours. She reached for her quills and moved them the near-imperceptible amount to put them back in line.

"Okay, so just so I'm totally clear on your logic here, we get rid of everyone less likely to participate in the creative arts which as I'm sure you know will invariably get rid of ponies who don't follow the trend, thus reducing the amount galleries and theatres receive in small donations and ticket sales. We then have the largest relatively untapped demographic eliminated thereby bottlenecking the amount we can convince a relatively saturated class to increase their arts consumption on top of reducing the work and volunteer force for said artistic institutions."

"...Look when you put it like that anything will sound ridiculous."

"I posit, dear sister, that your policy suggestion is an ideological and technical failure without even considering the vast moral failings."

"What policy suggestion?" Celestia asked with innocent eyes that immediately made Luna suspicious.

"...That we kill off the poor?"

"That wasn't a policy suggestion."

"But you just-"

"I asked could we kill off the poor. I never once claimed we should." Celestia scoffed before setting off her infernal Newton's cradle, something Luna still to this day insisted was just a madmare's abacus, for another tedious few minutes the younger princess couldn't really complain about without coming off as overly sensitive.

"Wait, Luna, were you honestly thinking we should kill the poor?" Celestia said with a look of put-on horror.

"No!"

"But you debated it as genuine policy! That's monstrous! And here I was thinking this was just a simple conversation between sisters!"

"I said several times that we shouldn't!" Luna shouted.

"There you go again! Talking about it as something we 'should' or 'shouldn't' do! I wouldn't even consider doing it in any circumstances but it seems like all you need is a good argument and you'll fall down on whatever side wins. What if we'd come up with a good reason to do it Luna, what would you have said then?" Celestia shot back, the insufferable smirk she got whenever she won a game was plastered all over her face.

"You know full well that-"

"All I know Luna, is that maybe next time you'll think before you call me rusty."

"What?!" Luna screamed and slammed her hoof on the table, all thought for the neatness of her poor quills thrown out of the window.

"Three hours ago when we first started talking about the arts problem, before we decided to shelve it until after the tea break, I suggested we secure the funding by producing ad-campaigns with some celebrity endorsements for arts institutions and you said I was getting rusty. Well who's the idiot now sister?"

"That's what this is about?!"

"It's a good idea Luna!"

"No, it's not! Ponies aren't going to start going to the theatre because a singer or actor told them to Celestia. Singers and actors tell people to go to the theatre anyway! Plus any increase we saw would be short-lived at best. You're not rusty, you're incompetent!"

"Look, just because I don't have a mind made of numbers and tax codes and stupid abacuses it doesn't make me incompetent. I did perfectly fine for a thousand years Luna," Celestia retorted, seizing the jug of iced water for her sixth drink.

"Put that down," Luna growled.

"Put what down?" Celestia replied in a sing-song voice utterly swimming with faux sincerity.

"The jug. The jug is there as the last line of defence against boredom we have. You get bored, you take a drink."

"You don't need to lecture me on the systems of governance I devised little sister." Celestia seethed.

"You have had double the amount of drinks I have had, and it's your turn to get to go and fill it up when it's next empty. Proposing we kill the poor is one thing Celestia, but taking the majority of the water when you also get the respite of filling it up next is unconscionable."

"Well," the sun princess began, "I'm thirsty."

She started to pour, only to have the jug wrenched from her by Luna, who stared her down dangerously. For a couple of minutes all was still, until Celestia seized Luna's abacus in her magic and tossed it across the room. Luna roared in fury and anguish. She threw the contents of the jug at her sister before next throwing herself.

The two of them tumbled to the ground in a heap of raw, political fervour. Luna quickly gained the upper hoof, her physical prowess over her sister was compounded by the grief over the loss of her poor abacus. Plus Celestia had tonnes of water in her eyes.

"Admit it! Admit the celebrity endorsement idea was stupid!" Luna spluttered, as she gripped her sister in a punishing headlock.

It wasn't long before the castle staff found them, soaking wet, knocking the stuffing out of one another and furiously debating tax law. In the end, they ended up going for a tax hike on sparkling wine, caviar and gold leaf which yielded more than enough bits for the creative arts funding. Tragically, Luna's abacus did not survive.

Comments

[CapNTilfy]

I read this rather Swiftly. =P

[AstralMouse]

9863144
The story and your comment were both as delicious as a well-cooked baby.

[My Little Epona]

this is one of the funniest things I've read all day

[Vaalintine]

9863180
I see you're a man of culture as well.

[Scyphi]

The things one does to stave off boredom.

[fanreader999999]

Better than reality.

[howard035]

Hah!

[PizzaculousPony]

AWSOME🤣. I DIED OF LAUGHTER

[PresentPerfect]

I was somewhat amused, but the best part is Celestia patronizingly calling Luna "moonbeam".

[Jphyper]

Two very different stories next to each other in the Featured Stories section, both with the exact same title... Yeah, I gotta check 'em both out.

[Seer]

9863144
Ahaa nicely done mate :P

9863180
Also nicely done, loving the references to the original

9863331
Thank you kindly bud! Glad you enjoyed it

9863482
This comment section seems to have attracted many of them :P

9864147
Oh god, I know I've certainly been there!

9864422
Glad you enjoyed it man

9864737
Haha this sketch was actually the other main inspiration for this story, was wondering if anyone would make the connection.
'Can't believe you haven't done it drunk as a joke'

9864748
Haha cheers bud, glad you liked it

9864891
Thanks man, haha glad you liked that line I was particularly chuffed with that one

9864982
Yeah that was really surprising! Had to double check when I first saw it :P

[CapNTilfy]

9867020
XD Thanks. I initially got this mixed up with Common Sense (Irony!) and was going to make the joke that it was a Paine to read.

Just in case you don't get that joke: Common Sense

I don't know too many other historical references. ^_^;

[Quinch]

Still more dignified than actual politics.

[Sir Starshine]

That poor abacus...

[Fiddlebottoms]

Celestia could just privatize the sun. That always works.

[Vaguely Demented]

The real money is in selling the rights to kill the unwashed to the affluent.

[Super Trampoline]

Why kill the poor when you can eat the rich?