• Member Since 9th Oct, 2017
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Nailah


Pineapple Love. Beloved Mare. Follow me on Discord: Godfrog#4197 Support me on: My patreon https://ko-fi.com/nailah

E

Rarity was prepared, or at least she thought she was. She wanted to ask Twilight Sparkle a small question but why was it so hard to ask her?

Preread and edited by: Lofty Withers and ChudoJogurt

Author's Note: Originally stress writing, that I decided to "patch" up and give to you guys because you are all awesome. Thank you to my patreons for your support!

Art credit to: Art by Funk
https://idrawraritwi.tumblr.com/post/187800129555/chin-up

Support me on patreon: https://www.patreon.com/Nailah

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 18 )

Being on FiMFiction has helped me a lot with my getting used to Rarity and this is a prime example of her being written well, particularly her obsessive, somewhat manic state. Well done.

That was a cute, simple story. You did a good job writing Rarity's concerns. I will note that you accidentally repeated some words and there's some odd punctuation, however.

There are some pretty frequent errors with punctuation, syntax, and verb usage. Things like missing quotation marks, quotations marks being used inside of quotations (as parentheses, bizarrely), double-periods, comma splices, possessive apostrophes... also, ellipses have three periods, not four.

Stuff like this runs throughout the story:

It matched Twilight, but Rarity cringed at it’s condition..

And they're minor errors, forgivable in smaller doses, but they add up very quickly.

In terms of the story itself... to put it gently, this feels like the beginning of a story, rather than a story on its own. Shipfics like this one should explore the characters, or reveal something about them that isn't immediately obvious from watching the show, and having a general knowledge of them. Going into this story, for instance, we know that Rarity is manic and stresses easily, but what we do not know is why she would be attracted to Twilight Sparkle, or why she would have carried a torch for Twilight for so long, or why Twilight would be interested in her back.

You've chosen to tell the story of Rarity stressing out over asking Twilight to be her date, and that's fine. But that's all there is to the story. She stresses over asking out Twilight, then she asks her out, Twilight says yes, and that's that.

You might consider using this as the jumping-off point for a longer story that gives more depth to this burgeoning romance. But as is, I don't see a lot of substance here, I'm sorry. Keep developing it, though.

I enjoyed this. Nice work bud!

Dude... you should probably credit the artist of the cover art you're using. And probably ask him if it's ok to use his art.

https://derpibooru.org/2148261?q=raritwi

Great story, there are a few grammatical errors and words that should be other words like in the quoted paragraph, closely should be closed.

“Rarity, I wasn’t expecting you! Oh my, your dress looks gorgeous,” Twilight stated smiling softly. She tilted her head slightly to the side, eyes closely fully for a moment before opening again, focusing her gaze on her friend. “How can I help you?”

But other that that, great story

Somehow this story slipped through the cracks of my watch feed, I enjoyed it but I did notice one small thing.

Suddenly, she found herself breathless, as standing there in the doorway was none other than the very mare she so desperately needed to speak with whom she so desperately needed to speak. Twilight Sparkle.

Is the second "So desperately needed to speak" meant to be there?

9863116
Whoops, I'll fix that. Thank you. and I'm glad you enjoyed it as I wasn't originally planning this. Was just a "spur of the moment" thing.

9863200
Sometimes spur of the moment ideas are some of the best.

9863239
I don't know I still think Glimmer of Hope is far better executed. Which yes I'm aware I'm behind on updates. Life is hard but I'm working on it, I promise. However I must write Chapter 4 of Bonds first. Might be useful if I had some prereaders, helps me write faster....

9863253
Definitely go at your own pace with that, getting real life sorted out is definitely a priority. If you need a pre reader I can take a look, my work schedule's shifting a bit so I have some more free time during the day now.

9860075

9863200
In addition to what Posh has written, I believe that I will also add my opinion/ suggestions.

As a story, it doesn't have content or details which would cause the reader to come back for more.

One major opportunity that was missed is that the fashion industry circulates around reputation and why topics such as embracing a particular sexual orientation is so scandalous to/ for those of whom are involved in the fashion industry.

You have traditionalists who think that anything outside of the traditional relationships of one male and one female is offensive and ought not exist.

Then you have the LGBT community who are very vocal in their propaganda of accepting their lifestyles as acceptable and normal and that it is the traditionalists who are offensive and ought not exist.

However, Rarity doesn't think anything about how her (Rarity) having a same sexed relationship/ date is going to affect her relationship with those in the fashion industry, or her clients, or Twilight's reputation. What if their parents are traditionalists who disown either or even both of them? How might her actions affect Twilight politically? Or socially for that matter?

What if either or both of them encounter traditionalists who feel so strongly about glbts being wrong that they are willing to assault those who are not traditionalists even up to and including murdering their targets?

Then there are financial and economical consequences such as a business or service provider refusing to sell whatever good or service to a those who don't have a sexual orientation they approve of.

Plus this hasn't even gotten into legal issues such as combining estates or liquidateable assets or tax filing considerations.

Plus there's the matter of Rarity asking Twilight to be her date without having any information on the sexual orientation of her prospective date. Or any personal historical background for Rarity's attraction for Twilight and vice versa.

So while this may be an alright fluff reading material, as a story, I am unsatisfied with the lack of these important story elements not being addressed within the story.

9872310
Doesn't ANYONE read descriptions?
STRESS WRITING.
Means yes it's not as good as it could have been, however I needed this for my mental health and decided to post it despite it's issues. I didn't mean to offend anyone or seem like I was ignoring these issues. I am sorry if you didn't enjoy it.

9872342 ...Okay? You didn't offend me by posting a story that I found flaws in. If I'm criticizing, it's from a place of good intentions. Calling it stress-writing that nobody should take that seriously doesn't really hold up when you thought highly enough of it to polish it up and post it.

And if you're going to do that, put in that time and effort to make it presentable, then it's a good idea to listen when people critique it, and offer feedback. If you can't handle that on a story, then don't post it. Keep it private.

That being said, 9872310's is dumb and nitpicky. I don't think failing to consider the geopolitical ramifications of same-sex marriage in a fluffy one-shot about Rarity liking Twilight is a flaw in your story, and you should dismiss literally everything that person said as irrelevant tripe.

In addition to what Posh has written, I believe that I will also add my opinion/ suggestions.

Please do not drag my good name through the mud by associating me with your nonsense.

9873650
Posh, i wasn't complaining about your feedback, it's very acceptable and true. This could be the start of something. However, I can't honestly say it ever will be as I've already too many other projects under my belt and overwhelming myself further won't help that. I decided to publish it yes, but perhaps keeping it private like I had originally considered was the proper choice. However, I will keep it here now as there's no point to deleting it, when some seem to enjoy it despite all the flaws. I am working on a more serious RariTwi piece as well, however I do not know when it will be up. Thank you for your constructive feedback. I will do my best to take your advice to heart.

9873919 Sorry for assuming. :twilightsheepish:

Login or register to comment