At the bottom of Stable 10, the great generator that has kept its residents alive for centuries is beginning to fail. As solutions are sought within, one pegasus sets her sights on the very ponies who built - and possibly sabotaged - her home.
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Well. That was...a lot.
Hahaaaa!
Interesting...stim pack overdose and now Ginger is OP. Wonder if there will be later unpleasant side effects, though.
I wonder if stubby!Autumn will survive, or actually manage to off herself, or just get munched on by Mac.
Also,
Das interesting but also creepy.
HERESY!!!
9940361
It took six months, but I finally fell victim to the Obscenely Long Chapter. I was going to break it up but I didn't want to slow the momentum. Lots of plot movement in this one, though! And woo, broke 40 upvotes! I don't know why that makes me so happy but it does!
I'm realizing belatedly that the hard bit is going to be keeping the chronology between Teak's journals and Rainbow's flashbacks in order. Definitely going to need to go back and tweak some things to straighten it all out. For now I'm looking forward to giving Aurora and Ginger time to rest before I push another snowball down a hill. :)
This chapter was certainly worth the wait. Well done Elbow. The inclusion of Jet Stream made me giggle.
9941818
I'm glad it made up for the delay, thank you! Shinodage was kind enough to give me his permission to use Jet Stream & Family for the purposes of this fic, so expect to see snippets more of them, especially Jet. :)
...And we're back! Time to catch up on what I missed!
Quick note as I'm going back through the earlier chapters: Showing versus telling RE: emotions! This is something I've mentioned before, but I'd like to turn it into something of a challenge for you, since I know you're planning on coming back and reworking/editing these at some point in the future.
So! The challenge:
From this point forward, try not to use emotion words. No 'sad,' no 'angry', no 'disappointed', nothing like that! Instead of 'happy', have a smile. Instead of disappointment or sadness, have ears droop and eyes averted. Rather than rage, have trembling muscles and gritted teeth, narrowed eyes and bared fangs. So on, so forth.
It's a bit silly, but it's a challenge I make use of every so often myself just for fun, and I think it might do some good for drawing us further into your characters. It'd really add impact during the conversation with Aurora's father, but there are some other areas as well. Using emotion words isn't a bad thing, but it just goes back to showing versus telling, and it'll teach you to get more expression and characterization into a scene. Uh. As long as that doesn't come of as patronizing or whatnot.
Per usual, write what and how you want! I'm just a talking head.
EDIT: Also some continuity questions about Enclave formation! Was the Enclave formed pre-megaspell drop, since Stable 10 may have been intended as appeasement toward that faction? If not, how do the residents of Stable 10 know about it? In this universe, was the Enclave acting as the political wing of the Ministry of Awesome? Or was there a regressive splintering into three tribal factions of the sort that we saw for Hearthswarming?
And also questions about the Overmare knowing about the other Stable-Tec projects/experiments. I think I asked about that before, so I'mma go hunt down that comment.
I'm sure some of these questions will be answered later, but I'm burning with curiosity and loving catching some of the things I missed first go around.
9945696
Challenge accepted! I'll scoot through what I have of Chap. 14 and do a bit of course correction, but I like the spirit behind your suggestion. I used to write a lot in college, but after 10 years of not doing any of it, you do lose a lot of the lessons you think you knew. Keep me honest on that! ;)
I can send you a PM regarding your Enclave question if you like. That's big spoiler country and I don't want that rattling around here juuust yet. Gimme a minute and I'll give you some minor details and I'll let you decide if you want more than that. :)
9945974
Awesome! It doesn't seem to be showing up quite as much as I move past the opening chapters, but it happens most around big character reveal moments (RD, Roach's Stable, Aurora's father). Glad to be of help, and I hope you have as much fun with it as I do.
And thanks for the PM!
9945988
For me, most of the punch came from the prose change after the fight; it lacked a lot of your usual flare and seemed pretty bare emotionally. Numb, even. Add in the "I'm fine" mantra and we have as clear a case of shock as I've seen. Rough topic, for sure. I might go back and re-read it to better pick out what I mean, but I'd rather not pick an old scab if it's an issue.
I thiiiiiiink there might be a benefit to adding some instances where Aurora's thoughts drift back and she pulls an "I'm fine" again to hammer the thought down, but they've only just left town so not much time has passed and I expect I'll run into some of those at some point.
Which reminds me, I know we talked about this before, but your environments! Forests, fields, circumventing the usual drab wasteland is a wonderful thing. I love it. Anyways, back to reading.
9946238
Oh, feel free to share any observations you have about the Cider/Aurora scene. I reread it this morning to get a sense of what you meant and I agree, there's a huge shift in how it reads compared to the lengthier details I usually include. Some of that was deliberate - like you said, I was trying to portray that shocked numbness - and some of it just tumbled out that way. If I had a complaint about it, I would say that I could have slowed down the last four or five paragraphs to that scene a little bit and let Aurora absorb a little more of what happened rather than just observe and act. Something to muddle!
I do like the idea of having her pull into herself with "I'm fine" later in the story. I'd need to find a place where it would fit, and where the characters could unpack it with her, but I'll keep that in the front of my brain as I keep writing. Off the top of my head, I know one event that's in the outline where it could work really well without being a left turn. :)
9946472
I am an absolutely sucker for little details, not gonna lie.
And the rifle practice was a great way to tie-in Roach as a sort of Father figure for the info that comes later. I'm still unsure about the pacing on that reveal, but it is what it is. :)
And Aurora actually having to work for the shooting skills is a nice touch. No point and shoot for you!
Though, is SATS a thing? Haven't hit the next bit of combat yet but I know that's imminent.
Aw you didn't have to do me dirty like that D;
Now THIS is interesting. What's different between this instance and what happened with Cider? How's she separating the two on her mind? 4 if she counted Cider.
I definitely hope you explore this more!
Ooh, not healing potions? There's a big difference.
Jesus bareback Christ. That was a long one. I warned you it was gonna happen! Chapter ballooning is a signature of FOE fics!
Congratulations! :)
This chapter.... Holy shit this chapter. So now we have our reveal of just what the hook is that'll keep Aurora out in the wasteland! The solace/SOLUS was a clever touch, serious props on that.
But, fuck me. I was guessing that Aurora was going to lure the Deathclaw in, but tapping the Enclave came out of left field. Them being aware of Aurora coming from Stable 10 even moreso, because that means they have access to the population records of-- oh! Okay, now I understand the connection we were talking about earlier. Damn, that's a twist. But wait, then why. Okay, PM incoming!
That the magic allowing for spell is shattered explains much, and I'm guessing that the buildup of old magic allowed Ginger to do her thing.... Damn there is way too much to cover. I'll come back after a breather.
Lunch!
9946500
SATS is not a thing in this story. It's one of the first things I knew I'd be cutting before I started. It feels too much like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card that would be impressive the first time and irritating the next nine. ;p
Regarding the raiders' killing vs. Cider's, I honestly haven't found a good place to explore it. I'll make a point to do that though. There's a difference between the two instances, but I'd need to mull on it in order to put a finer point on the "why." Oh, and yep, stimpacks! You'll see later that they're fairly indistinguishable from healing potions. I just wanted to retain some of the Fallout tech and terminology to keep things rooted closer to reality. :)
9946748
SATS: That IS one of the problems of allowing a video game mechanic into a fic: It's OP as all hell. I know that there's a couple of fics that get creative with SATS use, but it's extremely difficult to balance something as broken as super bullet time. That said, it does make for a cheap way to accelerate a fight so that you don't get tied down fighting mooks for half the chapter. Still, I think I like this better. Much more balanced!
Killing vs Murder vs Cider Horseshit: Honestly, I can think of a few ways she might be drawing the distinction in her head, but the pace of the past few chapters has really killed any chance at the downtime Aurora needs to have a proper breakdown over it. That said, shoving it all in a box while she throws herself headlong into the next conflict will definitely make the inevitable emotional molotov that much bigger. Ah, the lovely things our wasteland does to ponies! /s
Stimpacks: Having hit what you meant, I kinda like how the stimpacks are set apart from the classic healing potions, especially with the added shift from magic. The old magic versions versus the new, "mundane" kind, all dependent on manufacturing date and so on, makes for a nice touch. ...and it means that you can't just abuse the heck out of healing potions to get your character from the brink of death to hunky dory over the span of a paragraph. I wonder if, sometime in a future chapter, the difference between a mundane stimpack and a magical stimpack might mean life or death? Oof, that's chilling.
9946754
Secret Agents Buck Barding and DONUT STEEL: I'd assumed you were already planning on making some revisions on it, but it'll give you a fantastic chance to draw things out for longer with Dusky and give us a peak into Aurora's adorable kid years. Damn, the feels are getting to me already. Absolutely gutwrenching and it's not even beyond the drawing board. I'm especially looking forward to insight into how Sledge became... I dunno, a sort of alternate father figure/mentor in the years she left Dusky alone? I know how grief and depression can kill someone, and if you're not careful kill you too, and all without a single grave dug for either.
9946762
Legal Bullhonkey: REALLY?! D: Oh shit, I do NOT like the sound of that.
9946768
It's Over Nine THOUSAND: Diamond Dogs could have been used for much more interesting things, and making them dumb as posts was. Egh. BUT ugh, breezies. I never even watched the episode for that and I have zero desire to start now. Where's a bug zapper tennis racket when you need one? D:<
In any case, it'll be neat to see what you do with the poor pooches. How do they deal with radscorps and molerats? Actually, how much of the FO game critters going to play into Renewal? We've already got deathclaws. Can we anticipate the ever-popular mirelurks or some kind of synth subplot? Ticks?
Wait, if Diamond Dogs are still around, how many Stables have been overtaken by Diamond Dog intrusion? Is that even a thing?
And I'm Free! Free Falling!: It was clever and one hell of a punch once I took a moment to think about it. Good job.
More to come later!
9947052
Big comment! One clarification is that I don't plan on introducing the diamond dogs at all. In general I plan to stick to the creatures featured in Fallout, with some room for exceptions if I can think up something more fitting. If you've read Chapter 13 fully, you might have noticed something rattle around that I'll be touching more deeply on later. But beyond that, the critters they come across is more of a play-by-ear situation with only two notable must-do-can't-fail plot requirements. More to come!
9947109
Dammit, now I'm going to have to go over it with a fine-toothed comb, latch onto some wayward detail and go completely Alex Jones in the opposite of the author-intended direction. D:< Next thing you know it'll turn out that gay frog DNA means life will find a way!
And that's my line!
9947125
*X-Files theme kicks in*
9947153
You know, I should have expected that and it shouldn't have been funny given that I started this conspiracy theory trainwreck, but fuck it I just snorted my goddamn coffee.
That was a good read. I have to say, the scene with blue was my favorite by far. There is something intriguing about living with a memory that barely functions. I romanticize it in my head, however I'm sure it'd be terrifying. If I could ask for more of a part, it'd be that continuous struggle.
The length was fine btw. There were multiple segments that broke up the chapter and kept it engaging. I enjoy the way the storylines keep the world and characters developing.
My only issue I had was that we were approaching superhero levels of stamina and had a bit of ex machina in the fight scenes. Not to be too critical, I like that Aurora and Autumn didn't get shot 30 times and walk outta there. Some stories get pretty extreme and I don't think you went there. It felt close at times though. I love that you were able to create that scene without ridiculous gun play skills and found a way to introduce another interesting plot point with the newly founded magic ability.
Final thoughts, what a great way to see the stars! Could Aurora take a break on the clouds now like pegasus do? Hmmm. Also, are you implying Tia didn't put Luna on the moon! Also also, friendship lasers didn't fix Luna!?! I'm probably reading into it too much. Great chapter, on to the next!
9977052
Definitely some notes to take into consideration, especially about the fight between Aurora and Autumn. I'll definitely be more cognizant when it comes to stamina - I think I focused too much on her movement from point to point and not enough on the effect getting shot had on her. I'm still learning how to put these little scraps together. :)
I'm really happy you enjoyed the flight at the end. I'm really irritated that I *forgot to consider the possibility of cloudwalking.* That... augh for pete's sake. I'll address that as soon as I can, as organically as I can. Consarnit razzlefraggin mizzeriggin...
And YES, writing Blue's scene was some of the most fun I've had since starting the fic. It was unplanned, and only came about after I finished RD's scene and had to pause and think about what would follow that. I think I could work on figuring out the "rules" of how those scenes could be written, but for a first flythrough I'm pretty happy with it. I wanted it to last longer, but having a character that flits in and out of simple consciousness made for a quick write. Maybe I can revisit that in the future. ;)
9977116
Shhhhh, it's better this way. Maybe Aurora never thought to walk on clouds because she never had a chance before. It'll make the realization more fun!
I'm a terrible judge of how a fight should go. I never had to fight for my life for longer than a few seconds, so don't take my words for gospel. But I used to be an athlete. When I got sore and achy, I started to get sucky, real fast. Suspension of disbelief, right!? The hero is supposed to not be as lame as me lol.
No lie, definitely looking forward to some more Blue action! But for now, I'm gonna close my eyes...my leg hurts!
I needed that laugh.
9991260
I got a good chuckle when I wrote it :)
Ok so, some of these parts of the chapter seem completely pointless to me. This has come up every now and again, with Autumn explaining in a paragraph about some drink they had. I can’t recall the name of it but I let it slide because I thought it might be important later, and it still could be.
This chapter, the section with Peach and the section from Autumn’s pov just seem kinda unneeded at this point in the story. Maybe later on it’ll be important somehow, and if so I’m happy to print this words and eat them. But atm it seems every chapter there’s a couple of paragraphs that add very little to the story and come off to me as just padding for word count.
I don’t mean to come off as rude by saying this, I genuinely am enjoying the fic so far. It’s just something I noticed and felt I should comment about.
11553625
I tend to agree with you actually, especially in the earlier chapters. When I reread this one myself I can see that I still hadn't 100% committed to the near-term direction of the plot. I knew where I wanted to get waaay out there in Major Plot Point Land, but I was grasping a little on what to focus on in terms of work-building in the meantime. You bring up some valid criticism so thank you for that!
If you spot anything else that doesn't quite jive or seems unnecessary, let me know! I *stink* at picking up on this kind of stuff in the moment.
11612761
Just finished editing the next chapter and got a 5 second old notification that you commented. How's THAT for timing? Response incoming, I just thought it'd be neat to point out XD
11612761
Hah! Oh boy, yeah believe you me you're not the first one to pull out their hair when they reached the end of that fight and watched Aurora leave Autumn with the choice of impotence or suicide. I won't spoil anything by saying whether or not Autumn returns to become a capital "p" Problem in the future, but I WILL say the Aurora I was writing at this point in the story was still new to the violence and death the wasteland could dole out. She's not a character that leans easily toward killing. It was never part of the reality she used to live in. That said, I think I could have done a much better job of writing the end of that arc in a way that made Aurora's reluctance to kill more evident. Rather than having the benefit of being in the midst of a rapid fire fight for her life, when the end came she had too much time to consider how pulling the trigger would irreversibly change her.
At that point, Autumn had nothing left. Her only family was dead, her business was in ruins, and without magic she was staring down the barrel of a life essentially having to relearn how to function in a world that readily kills the disadvantaged. She knew the situation she was in and truly did want that bullet. It could be argued that leaving the unloaded gun for Autumn to figure out how to load and turn on herself was crueler than if she'd have just executed Autumn in the moment.
That and I might've been trying to be a lil' dramatic. XD
11612768
Oh heck, critique away! I really enjoy hearing what people genuinely think about specific scenes, especially the ones that really resonate and/or piss them right off! xD
Ginger Rescue 2: The Rescuening!
First off, Rainbow Dash! Lots of Rainbow Dash. Sane Rainbow, insane Rainbow, email Rainbow. With all this setup, I'll be outstandingly disappointed with Blue is killed off without some kind of resolution to this whole thing. I don't think that's going to happen, though. I thought that ghoulbow was gone, but she's still in there somewhere. And the Bad Pony? I have a feeling that might be Roach. The door opening? The memory is distinctly unclear, but it seems like the door was opened once before Aurora. Who else could have been with them in that tunnel? I want to see more of Aurora interacting with Blue, desperately.
The Enclave linked to Stable 10? I love it! It makes total sense in hindsight. Who else would organize a single Stable full of pegasi than the Enclave? It's an intriguing mystery. I'm guessing that Stable 10 was kept as some sort of living gene vault, based on the Enclave officer's response. It abruptly changes the stance of the Enclave concerning Aurora - she's not just some dustwing, she represents an asset that possibly needs to be preserved. If I'm correct, even partially, the Enclave now has the motivation to keep the Stable alive. Unless, of course, they were behind the talisman's failure!
On top of that, Aurora's gotten a good word in with the pegasi, courtesy of the prisoner. Keeping whatever Solace is secret is helpful to them, but I can't imagine the Rangers will be too tickled about it. Aurora's placed herself squarely in between these two factions now, and both of them could generously be described as lukewarm towards her.
Side note: Without the foreknowledge of the cloud cities surviving, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to reserve the Stables to unicorns and earth ponies only. Those cities' survival certainly wasn't a given, Cloudsdale is a testament to that. Of course, given the dubious activities of Stable-Tec, it's not beyond believing that they excluded pegasi for one reason or another.
Using a deathclaw as a weapon is something I didn't expect. In this world, they are apparently living tanks. I like it. Can't be letting pony societies get too developed in the wasteland. Gotta have some reminders of their ancestors' mistakes prowling around somewhere.
I'm glad there wasn't anything in between Aurora's two attempts. It would have been hard to believe that Autumn would let Ginger live one more second, and having other stuff in between would have been distracting. Good to just finish up this arc, and get back to the main story. And Roach, who assumedly is just sitting around hoping his friends aren't dead or something. Again, I like Ginger well enough, and her slaver backstory put some spice on her, but I find Roach far more interesting and fun. Ginger is giving off a 'constructed love interest' vibe pretty hard.
Not sure how I feel about the 'Celestia and Luna were actually big fat liars to stay in power' storyline. But, actually, at the same time, they act like children? How does acting like a child keep you in power for literally millennia? Feels a little bit like contrived character assassination, but then again that's kind of FO:E's whole thing. I'm on the fence on this, I'll have to see where it goes. I see the mare in the moon is back on the moon - I wonder if that has any significance.
The action is concise, and doesn't overstay its welcome too much. I think the scene from the POV of the guard is extraneous, and the amount of paragraphs between Autumn noticing gunfire and the deathclaw entering the base is a bit long - I think the scene would benefit from going from that scene straight to Aurora looking down at the carnage, with a brief few paragraphs describing how she got there. We've been told of the journey from the restaurant to JetStream already. We know how dangerous deathclaws are firsthand. We know the compound is guarded. Best just to keep the action moving, in my opinion.
I can't help but feel bad for Autumn. She didn't start this, besides letting her brother get away with regular rape (which, given is still pretty big, but it's also a given part of the rotten world she's grown up in) but she did run a trade business, connected ponies, and created a safe place to live. Of course, the big fat fucking asterisk on that is the slaving part. From her perspective, her entire world just fell apart around her because of the way she reacted to the death, or perceived murder of her own brother. She def deserves it for torturing Ginger - and egregiously wasting those lifesaving stimpaks, yeesh - but that punishment. Absolutely brutal. The scene where she paws around the bullet on the ground is so pitiful it's almost heartbreaking. I think we'll see her again, though there will have to be some explaining of how she escaped a compound that belongs to a deathclaw. It's a question of whether we'll see her on rock bottom or as a force of vengeance.
Very strong chapter, all in all. Glad to get back to the Rangers and the Stable journey.
Also:
Misspell.
'Might be'? Lol. Lmao, even. I'm surprised that Dash, jaded as she was at this point, was still fooling herself.
I can't tell if this is an error or not. If it isn't, I'm not familiar with this saying.
Missing word.
AAAA!!!!!! This chapter was sooooo good, I could not even begin to put it down when I started. The previous chapters, although they felt a bit disappointing at the time, absolutely subverted expectations and allowed for this chapter to have incredible impact. I thoroughly enjoyed it!
A good reminder to always do your side quests!