At the bottom of Stable 10, the great generator that has kept its residents alive for centuries is beginning to fail. As solutions are sought within, one pegasus sets her sights on the very ponies who built - and possibly sabotaged - her home.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Thank you for posting this! I enjoy having something nice to read before bed, especially as an end to a weekend. Another well written chapter!
I already left a comment on imgur, but like I said this was probably my favorite chapter so far. I’ve always loved reading interactions between multiple characters because it can really be a test for writers to try to juggle that many things at once. Ive read a lot of fanfic but I keep coming back to FO:E stuff. I can’t wait to see the dynamic that forms between Roach and Aurora.
Also, yours is the first story I’ve commented on I think. Profile so fresh I don’t even have a picture yet.
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:) I appreciate you swinging over! This is my first MLP fan anything so I'm probably going to wind up committing several FIMFiction faux pas, but with any luck I'll keep those of you following Renewal entertained!
A promising story thus far. Your descriptions are very sharp, and I'm liking the characterizations. Just hope Ginger hasn't put herself too far in harm's way vs that thug.
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Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! I'm still beating my head against Chapter 5 right now, but with any luck the author won't botch it. ;)
Didn't get a chance yesterday to read this, so apologies for that.
Now that I'm here, though, I can safely say this was a damn good read. You described the world around Aurora fantastically once again, and I especially liked the moment you described her stepping around the sinkhole. Little details like that make environments even more believable.
The Flim-Flam Bros. (Fallout Edition) were a surprising, if ultimately threatening addition, and I look forward to seeing how that threat plays out in future chapters. Or if they'll even remain a threat in the long run.
Ginger (A.K.A Rarity 2.0, A.K.A Brown Rarity) is already pretty likeable and has demonstrated her capabilities quickly and early. I don't think you used it too much, but I'd personally beware of throwing out that "darling" too often, less is more with those sort of quirks/affectations most of the time. Better to insert it where it feels natural, than try and force it in too often (don't you dare take that low-hanging fruit). And with a name like Ginger Dressage, I expect to see some Agility 10 stuff outta her at some point.
tl;dr: In short, good shit once more.
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Who said they were the Flim Flam Brothers? Maybe they're... buh... Frank & Furter and sell hot dogs, you don't know! ;)
The world-building is honestly part of why Chapter 5 will be a smidge late. One thing I don't like about the Fallout series is how ubiquitous its scenery ends up being over time, and to avoid falling into the trap of "ramshackle house with sheet metal covering holes in the walls" same-old same-old world I'm trying to avoid referencing the games for examples of scenery. You can only describe so many shades of brown before you just pull your hair out from boredom. I'll be trying to mix that up a little and it'll likely deviate from the Fallout and Fallout: Equestria worlds folks expect. We'll see if that's a good thing or not once it happens. :)
As for Ginger, she's definitely a "handle with care" character. You hit the nail on the head regarding her mannerism, and I've made a few passes this week over her dialogue for excessive darlings and dears. The goal with her isn't to be a Rarity clone, which she could easily become if I'm not careful. If her interaction with Cider is any indication, she has a ruthless streak to her.
Thanks again for the feedback! I hope to have Chapter 5 up by late evening tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Oh, so you're running Fellout for this run?
i.imgur.com/hzaJ4Hn.png
If I was her shop I would be offended!
Anyway, what's the deal with this Cider guy? Instead of ambushing Aurora and Roach in the middle of nowhere, he decided to follow them back to town full of witnesses and do it here? Inside one of the shops? In the middle of the transaction? He seemed so shocked when it didn't work too!
so blue is rainbow?
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Correct!
Cool story so far. But why did Cider try to attack them in town and not on the open road? Tis a puzzlement. Anyway, Ginger sounds like Rarity turned brown, more than just a brown pony mimicking her. This will be interesting to see in the following chapters, lol.
Enclave gets brought up like 3 times and she doesnt even bother to question it lol.
This is a remarkably populated introduction to the wasteland. First Roach and Blue, then the traders, then an entire town. The world has yet to show its teeth. Aurora has gotten a lot of help, and beyond some mindlessly violent ghouls and just one jerk, there hasn't been all that much danger. I can't help but feel the other shoe is going to drop at any moment.
I like how unicorns are shown to be properly dangerous here, disarming the established-to-be-deadly mentor figure in just a second. Aurora had help this time, but I imagine magic is going to be a problem in the near future.
And the Enclave is mentioned. Seems like they're a little less reclusive in this since people are more angry than surprised at the sight of a pegasus, but at first glance, it seems like it's more or less in the same form as it was in the original FO:E. I'm also surprised that Aurora, already shown to be thoughtfully inquisitive (she didn't push at the mention of changelings, but she did notice it) would not have asked about the name, especially after the second time. I think she's observant enough to notice that people were calling her that because of her wings.
I like the seamstress' first impression. She's clearly meant to evoke Rarity, so I figure she has some connection there. It'd be confusing if she didn't.
I'm guessing the stallion's choice to confront her again was either due to an accidental re-encounter or he is smooth-talking without thinking things through. The first is unlikely, seeing as it's implied that he came back for the pip-buck, but it doesn't make much sense to go after her in a shop run by someone he probably knows to bite back - he is a trader after all, and it seems like they knew each other beforehand. Whatever the case, if it's not specified in future chapters, maybe consider adding some detail to point that way?
But that's just a nitpick. Nice work!
I really appreciate how Aurora is clearly frazzled by what happened and doesn't try to strong-arm brush it off as being no big thing. She just watched her mentor be rendered nearly harmless with herself caught defenseless, with a creepy predatory douchecanoe violating her personal space and boundaries while pressuring her to give up something she doesn't want to. After a life in an amicable stable, within the first few hours of being outside that stable, that would absolutely be jarring. Especially after she was almost a snack for ghouls she didn't know existed just a day prior.
I think you demonstrated her fear and trembling really nicely here and cannot wait for more!
Also wild how you're "The" ElbowDeepInAHorse; I've seen you around here or there but didn't realize you'd written a (very good) story too!