• Member Since 26th Apr, 2016
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Foal Star

Peace for Ukraine!


This story takes place after the events in the episode "Magical Mystery Cure"

Rarity is tired of the pranks and the teasing she gets from Applejack and Rainbow Dash about her love for fashion and obsession to always look good. After some pranks Rarity desires to get back at the two and discovers a strange amulet imbued with odd magic.

She uses this power to get back at Applejack and Rainbow Dash turning the two into proper mares with odd new destinies. Applejack now desires to be a food critic and will appease her pallete with only the most fashionable of foods. While Rainbow Dash becomes a sweet young model who adores gowns and dresses. However, the magic goes beyond just changing their destinies, it altered their personalities and soon the two move to Manehatten to live out their new lives. It's up to Rarity to solve her mistake before she loses her friends forever.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 47 )

It's up to Rarity to solve her mistake before she loses her friends forever.

Something tells me that outcome is probably unavoidable, doing a prank like that on purpose. Otherwise it's no different than manipulating people's personality to be your friend. I mean, she'd be effectively killing off these new ponies to get her old friends back.

The only thing that made the original cutie mark swapping episode bearable is that they were unhappy with their altered destinies and relearned their previous passions.

If they actually like the changes though?


Everything you said will be explained. Its obvious the spell Twilight casted had some affect in this story but thats not the whole picture. Also, altering your personality and changing you back isnt killing anyone.

I Look forward to the Fallout of this.

On the contrary. I see it as bringing a personality into the world, then wiping it away, does feel like that.

Well, in that case sure you can say they died. But im not trying to make a story exploring that. lol.

LOL. This was odd yet funny. Hope to see it finished, really good story.

Meanwhile Sweetie Belle is left forgotten

Nah, youll see she's doing quite well.

Comment posted by BurnNote deleted Feb 7th, 2019

I like where this is going.

You know you've used 'cooed' six different times? Even where it has no business being? And you have so many split sentences, especially in the speech.

Ok. Yeah, I guess I should be aware of that "coo" thing Ive been using it less then I used too but I should be aware of not using it. Also what's a split sentence? Im sorry If I sound stupid. But Im not the best in grammar.

An example of a split sentence, straight from the text:

“Pinkie, as much as I appreciate you throwing a party for me. But I was hoping just to kick back and read all day today.”

You might notice the full stop (period) between the 'me' and the 'But'. That there is misplaced, and should be a comma, or a semi-colon (;), and you should remove the 'But' for both.

A suggestion for your speech verbs, especially the overuse of 'cooed': as much as you can, just use 'said'. This might seem bland but it stops accidental misuse of some words (like your 'cooed') and it makes them easier to understand.

A glaring example of the opposite of your split sentences, a lack of punctuation, here:

“oh enough fussing let’s do what Twilight suggested and let’s party!”

Almost zero punctuation here; I know that Pinkie tends to speak quickly and without pauses, but I can't tell if that's what you were trying to show. The easiest way for me to show you where to put things and how to fix it is to write it out again, so you can compare.

My fixed example:

“Oh, enough arguing - let’s do what Twilight said, and party!”

Note the word changes too; even just a slight change in the vocabulary used conveys the character far better. Something such as 'fussing' is much more of a 'Rarity' word: slightly more refined, with a good rhythm. I would avoid a semi-colon here, because again the pacing isn't right, and gives too much of a pause.

This might be a lot to take in, depending on your understanding of English writing, but I hope you can take it in. The pacing of speech depending on character might not make sense to you, but, in my experience, it's easier to see by a reader. Also, do you have a proofreader or editor? These might help a lot. Depending on how quickly you want to put out chapters, I might be able to help there.

(Reads description)
Oh noes! RD and AJ have been turned into their Generation 3 counterparts!!!:raritydespair:


Unless you've read...

EThe Third Generation
G3 ponies in G4 universe.
Candle Light · 205k words  ·  986  20 · 24k views

I started watching MLP from GEN 4. I tried looking over the other GENs honestly I can't get into them. LOL. If they didn't change the way they made MLP. I may have never became a brony to be honest.

It's looking better, but you really do want an editor or proofreader. By the way, you never replied to my last comment, but I assume you've seen it.

Well, there were two things that had a major part in my becoming a brony.

TMy Little Exalt
When ponies get trapped in another world, lives change. When ponies gain new powers, worlds shake.
Lithl · 108k words  ·  228  12 · 6.9k views

Sorry I was abit nervous and unsure of how to responfd. Well, I would love to have an editor and I do appretiate the advice. Thanks,

I Love the New Personas their Names are So Adorable.

Ah, that's okay. Hit me up if you want me to edit or preread, but I might take a while for editing, being a student and all.

Hoooookay, I'm not actually gonna bother trying to correct things on this chapter. You gotta look around for an editor, seriously. See if you can get some people to read it and volunteer. Should be at least a few editors on FIMFiction. I might grab the first chapter, do some surgery on that, and you can see the difference yourself.

I mean right now I really dont have the money for a editor. Maybe in a week or two

Honest, love, some editors don't want money. They're happy doing it for the involvement in the creative process!

, “now can y’all scram so I can eat in piece jeez!”

Also Great chapter! I'm excited for the next chapter! :pinkiehappy:

thanks! I bet you cant wait to see what happened to Rainbow dash lol

Hoo-whee, there sure is a lot of fixing needing doing to this chapter! I'll give it a go and send it to you, and you might see the difference!

Uh, G3 Rainbow Dash did have a personality.

A contract signed under duress is automatically voided if that can be shown. Rarity might be liable for damages as the offending party, or something that the crown might cover. Now, I can see Rainbow Dash standing up for her friend even after this betrayal, but it's harder to swallow as some kind of locked in contact that can't be challenged on the grounds the signer was under magical compulsions.

I do kind of hope this ends with Rarity getting temporarily turned into a tomboy as part of her way of making things up to her friends.

“any idiot can put on a dress and show it off,

Well she just insulted like, a million ponies.

This is an interesting twist so far. Unlike Applejack's alternate personality, Rainbow's seems to be incompatible.

The thing is that Rainbow Dash does like attention, not just likes-- loves. It's easy to see where this mare came from. Rainbow Bright for all the amount Rainbow Dash dismisses it does put a lot of effort into maintaining what will get her that attention. In those ways they are very much alike.

Hearing Rainbow Dash say that she'll just undo all of Rainbow Bright's work and not do anything to follow what Rainbow Bright cares about just makes Bright get rebellious I think. From what's described I don't think Rainbow Bright completely goes away when Rainbow Dash gets her body back, but instead gets stuck doing what Rainbow Dash is doing now, helplessly watching. If Dash is going to live a lifestyle Bright can't stand to be witness to you can understand she might be even more unwilling to give back control.

That doesn't excuse in any way what Bright did to did to Soarin though.

To Be Continued?... You mean there's be a sequel?!?

Ok so what the sequel will be about then?

I kind of hope part of the sequel involves Rarity gaining a new personality.

I'm sorry but I couldn't read this chapter without singing in my head the whole time RAINBOW BRITE SEE THE SHINING LIGHT YES I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO RAINBOW BRITE

Rarity confirmed she was biologically a

Oh god, faved. That was ridiculous. I love it. :rainbowlaugh:

I have to admit, "Rainbow Bright's" outfit sounds adorable! :raritystarry:

Login or register to comment