• Member Since 14th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 28th, 2015

Jabazor


E

Fluttershy just can't seem to get her wings down today and has to get food delievered for her animals. The worst part about it? She has to walk through the town with wings fully erect and nopony is leaving her alone.

This is rated for everypony becuase it's not really that bad. This is in no way meant to be taken seriously. I think that everyone who reads this can read the word "wingrection" without thinking that this needs to be a teen fiction. There are one or two inappropriate moments in the story, but nothing horrible. /)

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 19 )

first post, first like, and first read!!:pinkiehappy:

I'll have you know that that makes you totally awesome sauce. Especially since I told you personally that I was going to quit.

951027 i was online, saw a new story was posted 2 minutes ago at the time and thought, why not.:scootangel:

Alrighty, I'm going to be completely honest with you, and offer some constructive criticism. Please don't take offense, as I really am just trying to help. :pinkiesad2:

Your story suffers from a lot of problems. Some are worse than others. But, the concept and plotline aren't bad, and you did come up with some amusing and interesting scenes.

Here are some basic things you can work on to try and improve the story.
--Spelling and grammar. You have some grammatical and punctuation errors. Most of them involve dialogue and quotations. For example, "Excuse me." She said as she walked.... should be "Excuse me," she said as she walked......
--Indention. You should indent the start of each paragraph. It helps the story look more aesthetically pleasing, and makes you look more professional.
--Dialogue. Some of your dialogue is out of character, while some sections fit perfectly. Try to go back through and look at each line, and ask yourself "Would *character* really say this?" Fluttershy telling Dash that her job is boring, for example, is a bit rude and out of character. Applejack's dialogue and diction, on the other hand, are good. :ajsmug:
--This story raises a few issues and questions.
1)Why can't Fluttershy just fly across town, even with her wings spread?
2)Did Fluttershy forget to feed the animals AT ALL yesterday (kinda out of character, if so)?
3)Why are there so darn many ponies out and about so early in the morning? That in particular is hard to believe. I'd suggest you tone down the number of townsponies out and about. Perhaps just a few ponies, but their reactions are more intense - harsh looks, insulting comments, gasps of horror or disgust... :trixieshiftright:
4)Pleeeeeeeease clarify that the vet accidentally bumped into Fluttershy several times. At first I thought he was being a creeper. :raritydespair:


Those are some of the most important and basic things I can say right now. If you want, I can provide more in-depth analysis, critique, and advice. Like I said, you've got some good ideas in this story. It just needs to be polished and tweaked a bit, so they can better shine.

Hmmmm.....something about Fluttershy have such a long wingboner does not sound healthy....matter offact making somehing is wrong with her wong bones or something....at any case, you did rather well for this and I'm very sorry that yout not joining Fim anymore, have a great life and hoping to hear from you in the future.

Fluttershy's wings were still fully erect. Will we ever know why? Of course not.

The end.

Perfect.

Rainbow Dash had done it a few times:facehoof: youve ruined it:trixieshiftleft:no ill stop reading:trixieshiftright:but when a pony asked her why she did it, she replied that it made things 20% cooler and that was that.:rainbowdetermined2:HARDCORE

Surely there must be some sort of treatment if this, um, condition persists for more than four hours. Or am I thinking of something else?

Why is this in the group "Flutterdash"...

Like I say to many fics, I personally don't care at all for grammatical errors and such. As long as its not so obvious that it either distracts me completely or that it is just a complete crime to writing, then I really don't mind. The whole plot of the story is a lot more interesting then dictating how either these people (and you) write or of there accidental mistakes.

Sorry for the generalized comment. But my feelings stretch onto this fic.

Anyway, I think you did very well on writing this. So I say good job fine sir. :moustache:



Edit: And I do realize that a lot of the time the corrections are to make the writer aware of them so they can fix and better their writing skills.

:flutterrage: The Ending was perfect.

Ha! Quite a hilarious little one-shot. Poor flutters always gets the short end of the stick doesn't she? XD

Interesting premise, but not well executed.

Lycan_01 noted several items that I note have already been fixed, but there are several more issues. The OOC moments in the dialog are still a bit of an issue, and the story jumps around quite a bit between scenes.

But the main problem with this fic is the choppy way it's written. What I mean by that is that most of your sentences are to the point, have very little support or descriptive information associated with them, and stand pretty much alone. Here's what I'm talking about:

Fluttershy had to wake up far earlier than usual on this particular day because she had forgotten to get food for her animals the day before. She was too busy going on some crazy adventures with her friends and couldn't help arriving at home at a very late hour. Fluttershy's animals expected the best from her and if she didn't have their food in time for their breakfast, it would be a hectic time because she would have dozens of starving animals all begging to her for food.

While mostly grammatically correct, this does not read well. Each of the sentences above could easily be it's own paragraph as it is only vaguely related to the preceding or following sentence. Try to lead one line into the next so that each paragraph is a flowing thought process instead of a jarring set of ideas.

And then it was bumped for attention.

lol nice job. :rainbowlaugh:

Maybe she's in heat and never realize it.

I have...no idea...what I just read.

I...that...they...she...

*splutters and stutters incoherantly*

*groan*

I can't. I just can't. No words. Just...no words.


Poor Flutters.

:applejackconfused::twilightoops::rainbowderp::fluttershysad:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!