• Member Since 1st Jan, 2019
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Undertotem


Amature fanfic writer and a Wings Of Fire fan, making stories that I want to see so I do.

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Ever wondered what it would feel like to be turned into a mind reading, future forseeing, body camouflaging, venom spitting, dragon with "unrestricted" enchanting powers? Well I have. All because it started with the books I bought online


Hi my name is Jonathan Rawls, at least it WAS my name before. But now you can call me Stargazer, your one and only NightWing/RainWing hybrid in Equestria. Apparently, one of the original characters that I created and buying books from a very suspicious website creates quite the synergy, also noting the fact that I somehow got transported to Equestria as well. And how did I get Animus magic anyway? It's not even part of my OC. I don't know if I coud manage that kind of power. Hopefully is not like in the books where it's a double edge sword. Hopefully. Now I just need to read all three manuals that I bought from that shifty website and somehow my memories are merging with one another Interesting.


My first story for the new year and first story ever. Been wanting to start a story for a long time but school is stopping me from doing it, so I decided to start my first story on the new year. Constructive criticism is very much appreciated and suggestions are also welcome. Enjoy the story. Amature story teller out.
PS. Profanity tag for minor cursing

[An MLP:FIM and Wings Of Fire Crossover]

Extra Note: This story's update schedule is incredibly random, but I promise, no matter what happens, no matter how long it takes, this story would never die.

Posted on Featured:
8/13/19 8:14pm (short lived, but still counts)
10/11/19 12:12am
5/8/20 4:58am (short lived, but still counts)

Chapters (17)
Comments ( 164 )

Okay, saw the new author disclaimer, so I’ll take it easy. First off, this main character sounds extremely boring right out of the gate.

fire breathing dragon with unrestricted enchanting powers?

Oh well. At least I have some sweet, sweet powers to help me live in this world filled with ponies and other creatures.

Doesn’t exactly sound like there’s going to be much real conflict, if any. Making a character OP out of the gate tends to bore readers, and in many cases, the author themselves. I mean, they can seemingly solve any problem with a metaphorical snap of their fingers, and then what? What do the readers have to look forward to to reading, or the author have to look forward to writing? Unless, of course, the main character has a really good personality to complement these powers of theirs to at least make them interesting. Let’s see...

*one chapter reading later*

Okay, I don’t know a thing about your main character except he seems to have some weird personality disorder thing going on that honestly feels super convoluted. Also, he seems to have the snarky cocksure-type personality that seems to be a default for OCs nowadays.

Also, I’m not digging your characterization of the Mane 6. It all seems very surface level, like there’s more to Rarity than fashion and calling others “darling,” there’s more to Pinkie Pie than parties and fourth-wall breaks (which are canonically a lot more subtle than many assume (though I was guilty of this myself in my first story)).

My first suggestion is to really watch as much of the show as possible. As you’re watching, try and focus more on what characters are like and not who they are or what they say. Dialogue and actions should be primarily driven by personality, and not by appearance, occupation, or catchphrases.

Second, I would spend more time practicing OC conceptualization. Of course, it’s encouraged for authors to inject a little of their own personalities into their characters, but it should be supplemented by other things as well to set themselves apart from other OCs.

Something I’ve done that helps craft personalities for characters is giving them a backstory, and not necessarily one that will be brought up in the story, but one that you can think back on as you write so you can think to yourself, “What would someone whose lived the life they’ve lived say in this particular situation to this particular character or scenario?”

If you have any more questions, feel free to reply.

9385206
Thanks for the input, I am just starting out and I'll take whatever suggestion there is.

Oh, a WoF fanfic! What a rarity you are. I've got my eye on you just for that.

moviemaster already did a good job of explaining the things you would need to improve upon, so I'll leave my two cents in regards to other topics. Most notably would be the following:

unrestricted enchanting powers?

The books have never been too clear with how exactly Animus magic truly affects the person, whether that it eats away at their soul (or at something in exchange for using the power; Stonemover is a good example) or that there is no true restriction and that megalomania is setting in.

Looking at your short desc, I hope that's simply the description of the powers entailed when one is an Animus dragon and not the Animus powers itself losing the (placebo?) balancing factor that stopped the dragons born with the abilities from limitlessly using their magic. Because as far as I'm concerned, Animus magic is "unrestricted," in the sense that you could endlessly magic things, except that the power wielded can very easily corrupt the user.

Making your character OP, like said before, can become quite boring for both you and the reader. But, it would be very nice to see how the MC deals with this as a possible hurdle for them to overcome, considering they have a different mindset (human) compared to a standard dragon. Seeing how they would react and adapt to it may make for some good material.

9385669
Thanks for the feedback, I am actually planning on making the Animus magic, THE actual Animus magic, corruption, drawbacks, and mainly genetics.
Next chapter is just explanation on how the MC got transported, what he looked like befor transportation and short backgroud, and third chapter is an explanation about the 7 dragon tribes, prophecies, stuff like that.
Its a slice of life genre so I dont know if I should go heavy on the details.
Let me know your input, i'll just have to fix things up on the description and other stuff on the prologue.

This has potential--I'll keep watching.
My word of advice: don't oversell it. Especially Pinkie.
But as far as a concept goes this is frankly really interesting: also I am a huge WoF fan so that helps too.

Just remember: if you want a good story, you will eventually have to do rewrites. I learned that the hard way.
and if you need a grammar checker, wink wink (pm me)

9385794
I'll keep that in mind. Also I only did the 4th wall break just to pass the 1000 word minimum count, I'm not planning on doing it more if I cant do it properly. I'm doing this so I can get feedback, so I can fix the story , so that others can appreciate it.

These suggestions are really helping me, so thank you very much. Just voice out some concerns about the story and I'll try to fix it to the best of my abilities.

I like this job. Please continue.

yes yes yes... I think some of us really need this, by the way... nice reference with the tribe of the oc:yay::moustache:

Dude im not saying this to be mean, but ur pushing the story really Hard that is boring to read i barely can understand what ur trying to make.

9449865
To be honest dude, even I don't know where this story is heading. I'm just writing stuff that fits to what I imagine.

And like I said this is my first story, i'm just testing the waters and all that things. I'll still put more chapters and all, see how things go from there, and if I become confident enough with my ability to do a proper story board or any story in fact, I might consider doing a complete rework.

Either way, thanks for the input and all. I just really need some massive suggestions and all on how to write a better story and all those stuff about writers. Still an amateur and will always be until I get better.

9485615
You can expect more chapters, but I dont know about "consistency" of the release of new chapters. I'm currently working on the next chapter and also working on another story, so there might be some gaps on the writing. Sorry.

God, Kevin, my co-worker, is such an asshole, he means good and all but by god he can be an asshole if he wants to. Were just aquantances and we give each other small talk if we want to, nothing more, nothing less.

Wait I thought insulting each other is the highest form of friendship one can have?

9526928
Considering each other as a nuisance, as an acquaintance, and being an asshole to each other and annoying the fuck out of each other is top tier friendship

9530055
Hmmm... maybe she's just to focused on trying to decipher the books than actually inform him about it.
But I do have an initial plan and a small spoiler for you in the next chapter about the books.
Stargazer remembers his books and a small flashback

I like the story so far hope to see more

Comment posted by 3-tap deleted Apr 15th, 2019

9530497
Question, why didnt he just ask for his books back from twilight? He knows she has them does he not ask because he thinks or knows she wont be able to translate it?

9568290
The thing is, I made it so that he's quite forgetful. When he was talking to Spike and Spike mentioned it he remembered the books, but then when he chased Spike he was too tired to care about anything so he forgot. also at the last part and I quote:

'While heading up, he tried to think back on his dreams, wondering if there's anything else he's missing. And wondering if he's forgetting something.'

he tried to think back on what happened, but just forgot about it. You know like, I think it was short term or long term memory loss. Anyway, i made it so that he has some sort of condition.

9568546
I can understand that, thanks for the explanation!

They are getting prank hard.

Ok what is this a cross over with

9577470
It is a crossover with Wings Of Fire a book made by Tui T. Sutherland. Its a book series about a group of 5 young dragons trying to stop a war thats happening in their continent.

Heres the link to the wiki for more info.
https://wingsoffire.fandom.com/wiki/Wings_of_Fire_Wiki

9577478
Never heard of before now thank you for telling me

Will I need to read Wings Of Fire in order to understand this story?

This is adorable and I love it and I need more.

9578094
Not really, i mean you can read the books if you want to to add a bit of context. But most of the things i'm going to explin from the books would be explind here or summarized. There might be names you might not be familiar with and not get the reference, but i'll do my best to explain it to you through the comments, the story, or the authors note.

If you want to have atleast enough information, and you are willing to read through the entire thing theres always the wiki i sent.
https://wingsoffire.fandom.com/wiki/Wings_of_Fire_Wiki

But all in all, you dont need to read the books in order to understand the story i made.

PS. I'm typing on my phone so i's are not capital lol

This chapter were jumbled enough to feel like an actual dream. But it is one, so... Well done.

9586088
Thanks, I actually had to be clever on how to do some of the transitions between the two different worlds since its a dream. Took me a while to make though.

Holy shiznizz. Wut biz iz thiz.

I support this story WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I myself am a true fan of the WoF bookz. You better not abandon this story or I will hunt you down.

9590252
I WILL NEVAR ABANDON THIS STORY! well maybe doo a re make or fix some other stuff on the story. BUT I WILL NEVAR ABANDON IT.

Ps. I also thought of another WOF story to make. Tell me, where did Sora and Umber ever go after the first book of the second arc.

9590646

Sora and Umber went on the run. I haven’t read the books in a while, but I remember that they weren’t in books 7 and 8. I haven’t read anything past book nine, mostly for lack of wiggle room in my time.

Also, I haven’t read any of the graphic novels.

I will say something about your dragon however. While I understand it is enticing to have an op character at first wit all da girlz, you will find that people will eventually get bored (not to mention yourself) of the story. Believe me when I say that I was a fanfiction writer before I came here, and I recently cancelled a story of mine because the character got too powerful and it got boring. If you ever need help, I would be willing to help.

P.S. I use a phone as well. Tiny little (redundant, don’t you think) iPhone 5.

9590866
Thanks for the input my dude. I'll keep things in mind. Heres a bit of information, if you did not see, the story is a slice of life, meaning that is mostly centered arround the MC. The story wont have a major conflict, but it would introduce problems on its own. Is my character OP? Yes. Do I plan to change that? No. Why? Because Stargazer is human, or his soul is human, meaning Stargazer is either a) just memories 'Jonathan' recieved or b) disappeared, gone or somthing. My initial idea was to make Jonathan/Stargazer non-animus, meaning Stargazer the dragon is just an ordinary mind reader and seer. The reason why they became an animus because they got transported to equestria to compensate for the body's lack of magic, since the world of equestria and some parts of it has magic as an atmosphere. And since he is a decendant of Whiteout, the sister of Darkstalker and daughter of Prince Arctic, an animus. The animus magic that runs on his blood then activated making him into an animus dragon, but, he doesn't know that he is an animus dragon himself. The next thing I want to talk about is the personality and stuff, Jonathan has short term memory loss which followed him even in another world. This is noticable due to the fact that he keeps on forgetting about the books and other stuff that will soon happen. Stargazer is then somewhat shy and antisocial. He would have fun with his friends but with new people around, he would stay as quiet as possible. Kinda like a mix of the shy Sora and the enthusiastic Kinkaju. While Jonathan is easy going and friendly to others and like to socialize, but would sometimes be a bit to annoying. The fact that he is human makes things interesting because the dragon is usually a thinker, but Jonathan just does stuff now and thinking later, hence he is an idiot, totaly different from the dragon he created. Also the reason why I asked about Umber and Sora, is because I had an idea for another story, sice they weren't mentioned after the first book of the second ark I thought, where ever did they go, then I thought, what would happen if they disappeared in Pyrhiyya and then magically appeared in Equestria. I thought it was a good concept where the two siblings would encounter the apples then they would get know eachother then they would learn more about having a great sibling bond relationship aor somthing. Its a good concept for me.

9591341
Alright, I understand that. Just making sure it doesn’t go South. As for the story idea, I say go for it. I support the idea of Sora and Umber ending up in Equestria.

P.S. If you really wanted to, you could make Pyrrhia an isolated continent of Equis ( or whatever you call the MLP planet).

Also, doing stuff now and thinking later doesn’t mean he’s stupid, just impulsive.

9592883
Ooooo~ thats a really good idea. Pyrrhia, a different continent in the world of 'equis' just abit north west of equestria and the other land masses. Since both continents were surrounded by water, Sora and Umber had to travel through the great sea, due to both being outcasts and criminals, but both were caught by a large storm, so they ended up somewhere in the land of equestria or somewhere close to it. Its a really good idea.

I really like disscussing good ideas or stuff about the things that I like with other people. You sir or mam, are really great. I give you a good luck in anything. Cheers friend.

9592934
It’s sir, and you’re welcome.:twilightsmile:
(Also, WHY DID I USE A TWILIGHT EMOJI!)

I have just gotten my grubby paws on the books 9-12 and I must say, they are pretty good. Have you read them, Totem?

9600795
I have read part of 9 in my phone. Lets just say that I live in the otherside of the world so I still have to wait for the shipment if books to arrive, or I could just ask a relative of mine to buy it for me who works abroad. So no I have not read it yet, but book 9 is already great even for a few chapters.

When you say other side of the world, you open yourself to the question of what side of the world are you on compared to my side of the world. For all you know, I could be living anywhere from California to Saudi Arabia. :rainbowderp:

Also, book 11 and 12 take a huge leap from the Dragonets.

Hope you don’t mind me telling you.

Oh my god

I finally found one

A good Wings of Fire Crossover

*crying tears of joy*

9601409
I'm glad you like it. Dont worry I'm also planing to make another story but it includes the two family members of Clay who made an escape in book 6

Bit late to the party, but only real thing I could see that was wrong with the chapter was some spelling mistakes (pretty minor ones at that) and a forgetfulness for using apostrophes.

HAHA oh Moons that was hilarious.

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