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Most changelings only want to feed on love and serve their queen, defending her with their lives. But Scales the changeling has never seen eye-to-eye with the others. All he wanted to do was cook. He leaves the hive and finds himself in Ponyville as a baker. He finds peace, but will that peace stay?
((Being rewritten starting from chapter twelve))
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This is the silliest thing in existence.
I like it.
Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth quite like rhubarb pie.
I'm liking this. It has a lot of potential. And I love the thought of a baking Changeling. And, of course, a Changeling in love with a pony.
There's a lot that could be improved about the writing in this, but the idea intrigues me.
Rhubarb pie! Now we are talking
A good start, keep it up!
This is great so far.
PROBLEM: the description tells too much of the story, cut it back a bit.
Bebop Rebop Rhubarb Pie.
anyone get the reference?
:Soarin:
Pie?!
Merry May!
internetjedi.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/this_gon_b_gud_gif.gif
H-How dare he?! Actually likes to bake! What kind of sick twisted mind does he have?!
Jokes aside. Great start for a story. Will continue to look out for chapters!
Definitely following it is very good.
I like the concept of it, but you seem to be using many run-on sentences early on. I think the first few paragraphs could use some editing and revision.
Hm...good idea. You may want to add a humour tag. For the next chapter, try getting a proofreader. Other than that, this has feature potential.
ooooh, GLORIOUS!
First off wonderful picture, title and description.
It doesn't matter how good or bad a story is if no one opens the book for one reason or another.
As for concept again, very well done indeed. I can't seem to put it all into words at the moment but keeping a secret that is not in itself "bad" as he is after all not a bad changeling but at the same time is something that is rather damning in regards to those that wouldn't understand or take the time to understand is something we all face at some point.
One example would be many bronies come to think of it, especially those infected early on before the community was better established to have a way to support one another.
"He likes a show about little ponies meant for 6-8ish year old girls?!
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
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This story...
Yes, it has mistakes. Yes, it has an odd way of introducing the main character. No, I have no idea what rhubarb is.
... But, as of right now, the amount of eagerness I have in waiting for the next chapter is infinite :D
~ Oh, and specifically about those mistakes. Leave them, I say! (Unless you're feeling obliged to fix them :c) ~ For I (as an average reader :D) didn't pay them any heed. The story itself is what counts
~ Also, how long does it take you to write these? Your other two chapter stories were all posted in a day, so I'm assuming you either crank these out crazy fast or you wrote those in full before posting. Just don't want to get the wrong idea when it comes to timing!
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"Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie."
"But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as futile as you thought.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Bee-Bop-A-Ree-Bop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Bee-Bop-A-Ree-Bop Rhubarb Pie."
"You can't fool me! *I* listen to public radio." –Squidward, to Plankton
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hmm... i never had rhubarb pie...
I only wonder, Fluttershy now knows his secret, but then again no channeling encounters have been made, but after the invasion she knows about the channelings, my question is will she fear and betray him after the invasion?
It's okay so far. Though, I find too many odd cutsey stories on this site for my persona tastes. That being said, I will try and review this without pouring Kerosene in my eyes and lighting them on fire just so I don't have to read this.
No obvious grammatical errors nor any egregious spelling failures, so that's okay. I guess you can say, the only thing wrong with this is how little of it there is, and that's not a fan asking for more, that's an outsider staring with a disapproving glare with his lips set in a thin line thinking this feels a little too odd and half-thought out..
Yeah, my only fault with this is you need to pad this story a little more, that cliff-hanger was an instant turn off. But that doesn't matter to the large flocks of reader pussy you seem to be receiving (I don't care if you're a female or male). All in all, give a little more description and you'll be fine.
I've seen a lot of changeling stories in my day, but none with such an inspired premise as this one.
I'm really fascinated by this, it's a GREAT idea. I can't wait for more!
Hmm........ You may proceed... *watch*
I can only spot one thing that is seriously wrong with this story: IT'S TOO SHORT! I NEED MOAR!!!1!!1111!
MOAR
!
I say that this will make the featured box someday. Just look at the rating!
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Ohhhh he changed into a bat, my mistake i must have overlooked it.
And it made the featured box sooner than I expected. Am I becoming a psychic of some kind?
Aha, this is awesome! Such a fun read :D
somehow, i doubt this will end well.
also, i am kinda familier with the "Big Lier" stories, and the changeling ones are propbuly no differnet.... still, i'll fave this and come back to it and see if this will either be somewhat origenal, or will it at least be, charming in it's familer but cute ways. this is mostly a postitive comment with light contructive criticisum.
good story so far liked and fave'd. i'll be keeping an eye on this one.
Yay! Scales meets Fluttershy! Causes of many d'aaws!
Next episode! Scales meets Pinkie Pie! Laugher ensured!
Just gimme more of this :D
I just wanna know who/why the romance tag! XD I mean, do NOT rush the shipping! I'm just... curious.
... Honey Badger.
I know not of what I wish to do. Laugh? Face palm? Face desk? Face... FLOOR? No, wait. I got it.
*face sub-basement*
Still, nottabad joke.
Ok, I'm seeing two problems with this fic. First, I feel like things are moving a bit too quickly, but you do have just enough descriptive detail in places to get away with it. Try to take your time exploring the world; Scales/Rhubarb is new to Ponyville, and from the prologue I get the feeling he's not as experienced in acting like a pony as the average Changeling.
The second problem is more important: your sentences are haphazard, awkwardly structured, and tend to run on. It's as if when you come up with something you want to add to a sentence you just tack it onto the end rather than going back and putting it with related items. For example: "The pegasus left again for a moment and returned and placed a bowl of water before him and a plum." By mentioning the plum at the end, it seems like it was already there near Scales and Fluttershy put the water in front of both the bat and the fruit. It should be more like this: "The pegasus left again for a moment and returned and placed a bowl of water and a plum in front of him." But even that's a bit of a run-on sentence. Instead: "The pegasus left again for a moment and then returned with a bowl of water and a plum." You don't even need to mention her placing the food and water in front of Scales; the readers can infer that based on what's said before and in the next paragraph.
Seems legit
What if they find out he's a changeling? Would they banish him or cure from being a changeling and turn him into a Pony.
Could he warn the Ponies of upcoming attack of the changelings?