• Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Sep 21st, 2013



After the Changeling's failed attack, a full-out crusade is set against them. Many find a way to simply slip away. One is hapless enough to fall into the hooves of those his kind fought against. The changeling is promptly sent to the only pony Celestia could trust with such a thing.

Completely revamped, and thanks for constructive criticism and support behind the scenes (you know who you are, people).

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 183 )

Sorry about how hectic the updates and whatnot have been... Just trying to get everything right before I get started. :derpytongue2:

It is interesting to see the different ways you can open the same story.

723200 why did you change it? It was perfectly fine before:applecry:

I agree that your refurbished opening (vII) was... exceedingly off. This iteration, being much more personal and leaving out the disruptive details regarding any sort of "arena," is much better. Celestia and Luna are in character and interact relatively smoothly, and the chase scene from before, while much less dramatic, is well incorporated.

I noticed that there wasn't much mention of the Changeling's injured wings in this version. Did you take that out entirely...?

Also, why such a dramatic shift from the original?


723504 I agree with this guy. it's a bit strange to rewrite a perfectly fine story before the you even get to the rewarding parts.

723513 Yes. The injured wing idea has been removed entirely.

Slow down, mate. Are you doing an entire overhaul of the story? Personally, I felt that the injured wings made for a good plot device in the event he ever tried to escape.

Now, would you mind explaining all the reasons behind the changes, either here or in a PM? Like some others, I'm very curious as to what the fuck you're up to with all this.

While I'm a bit irked at how often I'm finding myself re-reading chapter one, I have to say I'm glad for the switch back to the chase scene, differences notwithstanding. And you handled the meeting with the Princess(es) much better this time around, far more believable. :rainbowkiss: If I had to pick something that seemed odd to me, I'd say it was Mister Changeling's decision to put on a pony disguise. He seemed to be doing great in the tree-tops, I don't see why making himself clumsy seemed like a good idea. A rather minor issue that I almost didn't even think about, so it certainly doesn't deserve another re-write... please tell me you're done with this chapter. :unsuresweetie:

I suggest maybe hosting the different intro you came up with at the same time, so we can compare, and give you advice about it.

"Do not worry." She said in a surprisingly gentle, yet firm tone. "You shan't stay in there much longer.""

That seems like strangely formal diction for Celestia; Much more fitting for Luna. Just pointing that out. Other than that, I am new to this story which, I have gathered, is revamped from another version, so I await with mild interest to see where the story is heading.

Damnit, I liked it the first time.
Then I had to read it again, and forget everything written.
And then again.

Come on man, if it isn't broken, don't fix it. :flutterrage:

This is the best start so far, BUT I tire of reading the beginning over and over. I will not do so again.

I look forward to the next chapter.

723548 Alright people, I hope everyone will read this... Why I'm changing everything... It's simple, but kinda hard to explain. I'm trying to keep the general gist of the original story, while giving it a few extra changes and ideas that I've come up with, that wouldn't truly fit in with the original. My main hope is that I can paint a proper image, so you can all see the ideas I've got locked away in the hollow of my mind.... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
There's an explanation. The best one I could conjure. Please don't hit me:fluttershbad:

723612 I'm done replacing chapters, so don't worry about that.

Y'know, AimBot, it's nice that you're taking the time to make your fanfic as good as possible, but please, pick an intro and stick to it. And yes, I've read your explanation. Still- decide on something before changing it... or else you end up doing so twice in one day. And as for your first comment: You said that you're trying to get everything ready before starting. No, you're doing the exact opposite; you're starting before having everything ready

As 723612 said, I'm not going to read this again if it changes.

Well, re-reading this is giving me something to do today :derpytongue2: and Celestia knows I need that. Out of the two intros today, I much prefer this one. Is the rest of the story going to unravel like the original, pace and everything.

For the moment, I suggest sticking with this iteration with at least a few weeks. If you decide you want to do some minor editing and add details and such, do it later. Right now, you've gone more than a slight amount overboard with regards to changes, so STICK TO IT. Frankly, I can understand exactly where many of the less enthused folk are coming from, being tired with the changes. If you've got a decent writer like Lucy telling you to shut up and stick with it, then I suggest you do just that.

No more changes, or I will start kicking you ass about it.

With that said, I can't say I mind this version terribly. The wing injury strikes me as the most plot-changing event, but I'm pretty sure you could easily bring that back into being with a couple of rough guards, should need ever arise.

Keep writing, and don't make any more double changes on one day. -__-

And this is why people don't publish books a chapter at a time:derpytongue2:

Good so far, gonna watch this. Also the begging reminded me of Skyrim sneaking. :twilightsheepish:

Yeah... I think I'm trying too hard on one chapter... Do you all think I'm trying too hard on one chapter?

I just need to keep my sh*t to myself and move onward... Alright people. No more chapter-swaps, no more massive edits, all that crud. I'm sticking with what I got. Thanks for support, and in some cases, much-needed ass-kicking. (Acidic, I'm looking at you bro.)

everytime i get a false update about this story i will give some one an anurism.:twilightangry2: anyway please update soon:applecry:

723615 Loved the old and loved the new... is there any way that you could finish the old story in some way that you had not planned for this story? Take the same idea and morph it into two separate tales that in the beginning have small differences but get farther and farther apart later on? At the very least I would like to see a copy of the old story archived somewhere so I can read it again, and who knows... even if you never finish it someone else may do it for you.
Sad to welcome the new as it comes with the destruction of old

I prefer this one over the other one from earlier today, the changeling has developed some sort of intellect (not much, why would he drop down?) and you have also put the princesses into character, bar Celestia's last line. If there's another update and only 1 chapter still, I will be very dissapoint. :fluttershyouch:

The problem with publishing a fanfic all at once, however, is that it doesn't get the publicity it needs from being up front multiple times because of updates.

Meaning that if you do, you won't get very much feedback, and are less likely to improve as a writer.

723615 well why didnt you say so in the first place, thats a perfectly good reson to rewrite the story IMO

This is good, It doesn't need any changes, has a proper intro without being confusing as long as you have a brain. Tia and Luna are in character all in all. Want to see some character for this Changeling but that can come in upcomming chapters.

I don't care that you changed it, to be honest. I'm just glad to have more awesome stuff to read =)

723811 Ok ^^
the second Moulting of your story, I find it better than the first.
To know if it is better than the original story... we will have to wait...

I've an easy solution to the chapter rewriting problem, release a chapter only when you're sure it's fitting your mental image :pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy: btw I'm pretty sure I read this before the re-writing and I find this version much more appealing.:twilightsheepish:

1 word prefect :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy:
anyway keep it up :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy:

Well, This WAS my most anticipated and enjoyed story currently in the works on this site, but now I'm not so sure. I loved the piss out of everything you had going on before, so this isn't getting a lot of enthusiasm from me. However, I will try to withhold any judgements until this gets more underway with what you're planning with it. My only concern is that this will end up being a completely different story that jut has a similar premise, in which I'll spend all my time missing the first one instead of seeing this as a rewrite of the same tale.

Also, normally when someone does something like this, they leave the original story be with a discontinued status and then post a new revamp under a new name (or the same name with rewrite etc in the title). Then say the first one is discontinued and to check out the new version, instead of dropping all the chapters and the comments attached to them.

As for how it is thus far, it felt more like a prelude and with all of the previous stories/chapters knowledge, the only questions and comments I have involve the comparison between the two and Changelings over all, so that will have to wait until more of this revamp is done.

"What do you think we're gonna do if we find the nest?"

"Burn it. Burn the whole damned thing. And stomp out all the life in whatever hole the things call home."

Promote that stallion, immediately! Also, get some napalm issued to the Pegasus corps, and find some pyromancer unicorns. We got us a bug hunt!

Right, I think this is the best rewrite thus far. I don't think you should need to change it any further. Looking forward to the next update, i adored the first edition! :scootangel:

This is definitely a better go at it than your last attempt at changing the story was. There are a few lines here and there that I'm a little iffy about... the part with the Royal Guard ordering to burn the changeling hive to the ground being one of them. Hope that's just a personal prejudice rather than an order from the Princesses... still, most of the blandness problems have at least been MOSTLY fixed. It'd be good if you established a few more things about your main character relatively soon, and if he keeps giving the silent treatment it'll be harder to do that.

I will admit, it WAS a really good move switching the princess that confronts him from Celestia to Luna. Luna is much more believable as agressive or even vindictive. Your Shakespearean dialect leaves a bit to be desired, but other than that it was a very desirable change.

I still think that maybe it would have been better to keep the old version. I actually really liked the second person perspective, but if we really do have to start anew, then this is a decent starting point.


I'd guess that the Royal Guards are high-strung after the recent invasion, so some of them are making their own personal calls. Nothing like an invasion on the capital to make the authorities paranoid. :derpytongue2:

Bro. Seriously. Stick with one opening and get on with the story. All of first chapters have been fine, and none of them are better or worse than the last.
Although it's kinda interesting, I'm tired of seeing different iterations of the same chapter.

You know i read this and thought that i subscribed to a story i never read, then you changed it again and it all came back. Good story anyways bro. anyways bro :pinkiehappy:.

I know you're just trying to get the story just right, i really hope this is the last retry, it's getting tiring:ajsleepy:

two must've been related in some manor
should be manner

728846 Corrected. Thanks for pointing that out.

...I liked the old story? I'm not much of a writer, but I'm quite a reader, so I have some experience reading.

Introductions are either too good or fails. There's a reason the terms "Jump the Shark" and "Growing the Beard" exist. The second one in particular is fairly important: It originated in Star Trek (a fairly popular TV series), a version of which failed in storytelling, somewhat, until the second season, a character grew a beard, and everyone loved the way the series was going and how it performed. NCIS did the same with the death of one of the main actors. Drizzt got Jarlaxle, Batman got Joker, Negima! has the school festival. NONE of these were in the introduction. IF A STORY IS GOOD, people will forgive a bland introduction. (Lucky Star is famous in that; its first episode is arguably the worst one in the series). An introduction sets the stage for the characters, not begins a gripping and memorable climax. Is Celestia a tyrant/heroine/trollestia/molestia in your fic? Set it up in the beginning, then we accept it and move on with that little tidbit being canon for this rendition of the universe. I didn't care if Celestia was hyper-angry. Most Changeling fics have her as at the very least blindingly bigoted, if not hostilely racist, I imagine most readers of changeling fics here are used to it.

I understand this is a complete re-write, but I saw your ratio of :twilightsheepish:to :facehoof:, it was pretty high. The audience was fine with how things were going. Write for yourself, I know I know, but remember if you write for yourself completely, then people will stop wanting to share an interest, as then you're just playing with yourself, and nopony watches that.

idc what they say i like the reamp

I have to agree with some of the other readers, the story was fine before you started all this rewriting. It is fine to have cool ideas for a story, but totally rewriting the whole thing just to fit them in seems indicitive of poor planning. You need to make sure that you plan out your story before you write a single line, not after several chapters have been posted. Also, please understand that it is normal to end up with ideas that don't make it into the story and there is nothing wrong with that.

At this point, I'm wondering if you have an editor. A good editor would have stopped this rewriting before it started. If you don't have one, i'd suggest finding one before you go any farther with this story.

This second revision is certainly an improvement over the first, but I must say that i miss the original perspective you had going. It felt way more personal and gave the reader a connection to the protagonist; something this current chapter does not accomplish. I do hope you keep the story on a similar track and pace as I was fond of how things were panning out.

I'll keep tracking for now, but I don't want to keep reading the same things over and over again because you can't make up your mind.

Hmm...I...I liked the story before, it was real good. This Revampery oughta be good :twilightangry2:

Huzza! The revamping has been doubled:yay:!

We all know why you italicized "clop" :ajsmug:

750382 Because it's an onomatopoeia?:rainbowhuh:
Or... :pinkiegasp: You sick nasty!
... I like the way you think. :rainbowwild:

FYI: I'm pretty sure that "dost" is a strictly second-person conjugation. Just saying.

In any case, looking good thus far. I'm certainly looking forward to more, especially once we get past the point you'd reached earlier.

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