Evasive
A/N: I've made this intro to be more on par with the original.
I took a deep breath as I pressed my back against the tree. My legs ached, my chest pounded, and my lungs stung with each breath. Moving ever-so-slightly, I peered around the trunk of the tree. I could make out the glint of golden armor. Cursing under my breath, I shook my head and looked to the treetops. It was a long shot, but it might've worked.
I lowered myself to the ground, as if preparing to pounce. My wings snapped open in a quick flourish, and I straightened out my legs and let my wings do the rest. A moment later, I was safely on a sturdy branch.
They passed under me quickly, still galloping in the general direction I was running earlier. I smirked. Traversing the treetops would be safer, I told myself. It took me a moment to gather enough balance to stand on the branch. I spotted a perfect place to land; the crotch of a nearby tree.
From that spot, onward, I pushed forward, carefully navigating each tree. It wasn't as fast as flying, but if I flew, then they'd spot me for sure. And I couldn't have outrun them forever.
Three minutes of leap-frogging from branch to branch had gotten me almost nowhere. I decided it was safe to get back to the ground. I was wrong. I heard a shrill whistle from behind, and I saw an armored pegasus staring at me from through the brush.
I held my breath. A tingling sensation overcame my entire body, as my flesh began to simply evaporate. Still holding breath, I cautiously crept behind a tree, and dived into the nearest brush I could find. I heard more hooves, trampling the path.
"Where'd it go?"
"I have no idea, I swear it just disappeared into thin air!"
"The sun's getting to you. Somepony take him into the shade. Move out."
I just barely poked my head out of the brush. Two of the armor'clad ponies remained, one of which was the pegasus from earlier. The other was... smaller, with a much slimmer frame. A mare, perhaps. She carried a horn instead of wings. The pegasus was... embarrassed. His scent gave him away. The mare seemed as though she was trying to comfort the pegasus.
I waited for two, maybe three, minutes longer. The two dispersed, following the main group. I sighed with relief, and dug myself out of the brush. Perhaps getting back home would be easier if I were disguised, I thought. I took a deep breath, and focused. In a flash of green, I was in my other skin.
I had shifted into a young stallion of average size. Brown coat, darker red mane styled into what I had heard ponies call a 'mullet'. My eyes turned a bright blue, and from what others had told me, I had a tired look about me.
I walked cautiously on the forest path, the opposite direction the ponies had gone. One little slip up could lead to an easy downfall. I could hear chatter from down the path, despite the fact that the group I saw went the complete other direction. I listened in for a moment.
"What do you think we're gonna do if we find the nest?"
"Burn it. Burn the whole damned thing. And stomp out all the life in whatever hole the things call home."
I grimaced. Their words were filled with hatred and anger. If I could simply sneak around them, maybe through the brush and trees, I could have made it past them without a hitch. However, I'm well aware of the fact that in my pony-form, I'm what most would call clumsy.
I brought my body down to the ground, and worked my way into the brush, off the path. All I had to do was stay silent, move quickly, and keep out of sight. It all seemed easy, but my environment seemed to prove me otherwise. I kept under the bushes and other foliage, and moved as quickly as I could at that level. All I had to do was stay nice and quiet...
- Snap! -
Damn it.
Before I could react, I had four fully-armored stallions staring me down with eyes filled with rage and seething with a hunger for retribution.
"What are you doing out here, citizen?" one asked gruffly.
I gave a sigh of relief. They didn't suspect a thing - save for the fact that I was practically face-first in the dirt. "I, uh, lost my dog! She ran off, and I've been looking for her."
"Dog?" I could smell suspicion rising from him. "What breed?"
"She's a mutt." I answered like clockwork. "Brown coat, white spots, have you seen her?"
They all eyed me for a moment. Exchanging glances, they all returned to their original positions, back on the path. "Haven't seen her. Good luck finding her - and be careful."
"Will do." I replied, simply going back to the path and walking away. "You biters."
I took ten or so steps, and I was about to take off at a full-gallop, but my luck seemed to be running thin.
"Wait!" I heard from behind.
I stopped dead in my tracks. I was fully prepared to cast domination now. Now, I didn't want to, but I was ready to. I heard the guard trot behind me. I was half-expecting nothing more than a shot to the back of the head - but thankfully it never came. Needless, my chest began throbbing.
"Your dog," He began. Instantly, I was filled with relief. "About, yea high?" He brought his hoof up to knee level.
I shook my head, "She's taller. About chest level."
He gave a nod, "Alright then. We'll keep a look out for her. Have a nice day."
He walked back to his group. I let out a sigh, and continued down the path. But they were still chattering behind me, and it was unnerving.
"Bloody biters scared me stiff..." I whispered to myself.
There was a faint ringing in my ears. I've learned enough about magic to figure out what it was - detection magic. I whipped my head around to look at the group. All of them had glowers on their faces. I took off galloping in the opposite direction.
I could hear them giving chase, but I dare not look back. I felt specks of dirt hit the back of my neck, and mere seconds later, some unknown force scooped me up off of the ground, and threw me at least a dozen feet forward. When I hit the ground, I felt my morph fall, leaving me in my natural form. The only thought in my mind - What magnificent trick was that?
I felt my legs throb as I slipped from consciousness.
It was cooler here. Either the sun had gone down, or I was inside. The latter seemed more likely, considering I couldn't smell any flora. I shifted in what seemed to be a crude bed of rough cloth, to the point I rolled over and fell. I opened my eyes when my head bounced off cold stone.
It was dank and stuffy - almost hard to gather breath. I could see light bouncing off of all the wet stone walls, the flickering light of a flame. I slowly rose up, turning around to be greeted by metal bars, and two figures. One figure was brightly lit by a nearby torch, a stocky stallion in full armor. The other figure was cloaked in shadow and, well, a cloak.
"Your Highness," The guard said in a politely unsure tone, "You know Celestia wants you staying out of the dungeons."
"I know," the cloaked figure replied. It was obviously a mare's voice. "But I must see this creature for myself, I dost not care - 'Tia can punish me later."
I felt an unfamiliar weight on my neck. Cold metal. I was surprised I didn't notice it the moment I woke up. What does it do? I wondered. I also intended to find out. Undoubtedly, it marked me. If I were to change forms, the collar would stay. But was it enchanted? Did it have wards on it?
I held my breath. I was shocked when there was no tingle, and I remained completely visible, despite my best attempts. My thoughts didn't race like they should have in such a situation. I took deep breaths to relieve the stress.
"Oh, is this truly the fearsome creature that tried to ransack our good capital?" The mare asked, sarcasm hanging heavy in her voice. "I am shocked, it seems like t'would rather collect pollen from daffodils than fight a war. Tell me, changeling, why dost thou come to our kingdom?"
I blinked twice. The question truly didn't make sense to me. I didn't answer, instead giving her a curious stare, which she returned. We both sat for a moment, in silence, examining each other.
She dropped her hood. Her coat was a deep and and dark blue, while her mane mimicked a... cloud? It flowed with a non-existent breeze, and shimmered as if specks of reflective dust were caught in her mane. A magnificent tiara sat atop her head.
"Wilt thou not answer me? Thou shalt give me a silent treatment? Fine!" She stamped a hoof down, and her cloak flew off. She had wings too - of course she was flaring them at me, which didn't improve my predicament.
Then came the sound of more ponies. The loud clop of multiple hooves was painful by itself, but the echo quadrupled it, at least.
Two more armor-clad stallions waltzed into view, accompanied by a mare slightly taller than the... Princess? The new mare was of wings and a horn as well. Her coat was a bright and pristine white without a single blemish. Her mane was the same as the other - save for the much lighter coloration. It took only moments to register two things: the two must've been related in some manner, and they obviously held the reins.
Both of the princesses seemed shocked to see each other. The dark-coated princess looked away nervously, while the lighter princess simply raised an eyebrow.
""Tia..." The dark princess began, "I was not expecting to see you down in the dungeons."
'Tia? I knew that name from somewhere... Celestia, the famed princess of Equestria? It seemed unlikely, yet she was right there. That meant... The other was Luna.
"I could say the same for you, dearest Luna." Celestia replied. "Letting your curiosity get the best of you once again?"
"Of course, 'Tia." Luna stifled a giggle, "I shan't let something go on in our castle without my knowing of it."
"Does it truly interest you that much?"
Luna let out a heavy and troubled sigh. I'm sure even Celestia noticed something troubled her sister. I could sense inner conflicts.
"Dearest 'Tia..." Luna began, her heart heavy. "I do not agree with thy plans. Why wouldst thou put thy student in such danger?"
"I understand your concerns, Luna, but your stress is undue. She is capable, and will have guards with her at all times."
Luna looked to the floor and gave an exasperated sigh. Her gaze switched from Celestia, to me. She gave me a certain look - one even I couldn't quite figure out. With a disdainful flick of her mane, Luna strode away, followed quickly by her guard.
Celestia let out a deep sigh, and turned to one of her guards. "Inform my dearest sister I would like to see her in my chambers."
The guard gave a nod, and gave chase after Luna. Celestia turned her gaze on me. She raised an eyebrow.
"Do not worry." She said in a surprisingly gentle, yet firm tone. "You shan't stay in there much longer."
And she left. Her guard with her, too. I came to an unstable rest upon the small bed in the corner, wishing for something to drink.
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Sorry about how hectic the updates and whatnot have been... Just trying to get everything right before I get started.
It is interesting to see the different ways you can open the same story.
723200 why did you change it? It was perfectly fine before
I agree that your refurbished opening (vII) was... exceedingly off. This iteration, being much more personal and leaving out the disruptive details regarding any sort of "arena," is much better. Celestia and Luna are in character and interact relatively smoothly, and the chase scene from before, while much less dramatic, is well incorporated.
I noticed that there wasn't much mention of the Changeling's injured wings in this version. Did you take that out entirely...?
Also, why such a dramatic shift from the original?
723200
723504 I agree with this guy. it's a bit strange to rewrite a perfectly fine story before the you even get to the rewarding parts.
723513 Yes. The injured wing idea has been removed entirely.
723524
Slow down, mate. Are you doing an entire overhaul of the story? Personally, I felt that the injured wings made for a good plot device in the event he ever tried to escape.
Now, would you mind explaining all the reasons behind the changes, either here or in a PM? Like some others, I'm very curious as to what the fuck you're up to with all this.
While I'm a bit irked at how often I'm finding myself re-reading chapter one, I have to say I'm glad for the switch back to the chase scene, differences notwithstanding. And you handled the meeting with the Princess(es) much better this time around, far more believable.
If I had to pick something that seemed odd to me, I'd say it was Mister Changeling's decision to put on a pony disguise. He seemed to be doing great in the tree-tops, I don't see why making himself clumsy seemed like a good idea. A rather minor issue that I almost didn't even think about, so it certainly doesn't deserve another re-write... please tell me you're done with this chapter. 
I suggest maybe hosting the different intro you came up with at the same time, so we can compare, and give you advice about it.
"Do not worry." She said in a surprisingly gentle, yet firm tone. "You shan't stay in there much longer.""
That seems like strangely formal diction for Celestia; Much more fitting for Luna. Just pointing that out. Other than that, I am new to this story which, I have gathered, is revamped from another version, so I await with mild interest to see where the story is heading.
Damnit, I liked it the first time.
Then I had to read it again, and forget everything written.
And then again.
Come on man, if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
This is the best start so far, BUT I tire of reading the beginning over and over. I will not do so again.
I look forward to the next chapter.
723548 Alright people, I hope everyone will read this... Why I'm changing everything... It's simple, but kinda hard to explain. I'm trying to keep the general gist of the original story, while giving it a few extra changes and ideas that I've come up with, that wouldn't truly fit in with the original. My main hope is that I can paint a proper image, so you can all see the ideas I've got locked away in the hollow of my mind.... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
There's an explanation. The best one I could conjure. Please don't hit me
723612 I'm done replacing chapters, so don't worry about that.
Y'know, AimBot, it's nice that you're taking the time to make your fanfic as good as possible, but please, pick an intro and stick to it. And yes, I've read your explanation. Still- decide on something before changing it... or else you end up doing so twice in one day. And as for your first comment: You said that you're trying to get everything ready before starting. No, you're doing the exact opposite; you're starting before having everything ready
As 723612 said, I'm not going to read this again if it changes.
Well, re-reading this is giving me something to do today
and Celestia knows I need that. Out of the two intros today, I much prefer this one. Is the rest of the story going to unravel like the original, pace and everything.
For the moment, I suggest sticking with this iteration with at least a few weeks. If you decide you want to do some minor editing and add details and such, do it later. Right now, you've gone more than a slight amount overboard with regards to changes, so STICK TO IT. Frankly, I can understand exactly where many of the less enthused folk are coming from, being tired with the changes. If you've got a decent writer like Lucy telling you to shut up and stick with it, then I suggest you do just that.
No more changes, or I will start kicking you ass about it.
With that said, I can't say I mind this version terribly. The wing injury strikes me as the most plot-changing event, but I'm pretty sure you could easily bring that back into being with a couple of rough guards, should need ever arise.
Keep writing, and don't make any more double changes on one day. -__-
And this is why people don't publish books a chapter at a time
Good so far, gonna watch this. Also the begging reminded me of Skyrim sneaking.
Yeah... I think I'm trying too hard on one chapter... Do you all think I'm trying too hard on one chapter?
I just need to keep my sh*t to myself and move onward... Alright people. No more chapter-swaps, no more massive edits, all that crud. I'm sticking with what I got. Thanks for support, and in some cases, much-needed ass-kicking. (Acidic, I'm looking at you bro.)
everytime i get a false update about this story i will give some one an anurism.
anyway please update soon
723615 Loved the old and loved the new... is there any way that you could finish the old story in some way that you had not planned for this story? Take the same idea and morph it into two separate tales that in the beginning have small differences but get farther and farther apart later on? At the very least I would like to see a copy of the old story archived somewhere so I can read it again, and who knows... even if you never finish it someone else may do it for you.
Sad to welcome the new as it comes with the destruction of old
~DstroyA~
I prefer this one over the other one from earlier today, the changeling has developed some sort of intellect (not much, why would he drop down?) and you have also put the princesses into character, bar Celestia's last line. If there's another update and only 1 chapter still, I will be very dissapoint.
723739
The problem with publishing a fanfic all at once, however, is that it doesn't get the publicity it needs from being up front multiple times because of updates.
Meaning that if you do, you won't get very much feedback, and are less likely to improve as a writer.
723615 well why didnt you say so in the first place, thats a perfectly good reson to rewrite the story IMO
Again?
This is good, It doesn't need any changes, has a proper intro without being confusing as long as you have a brain. Tia and Luna are in character all in all. Want to see some character for this Changeling but that can come in upcomming chapters.
I don't care that you changed it, to be honest. I'm just glad to have more awesome stuff to read =)
YEAH!!! YEAH!!! My joy can only be expressed by the following picture
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/196/606/6004515698_95885f1a81.jpg?1320673859
723811 Ok ^^
the second Moulting of your story, I find it better than the first.
To know if it is better than the original story... we will have to wait...
I've an easy solution to the chapter rewriting problem, release a chapter only when you're sure it's fitting your mental image
btw I'm pretty sure I read this before the re-writing and I find this version much more appealing.
1 word prefect
anyway keep it up
Well, This WAS my most anticipated and enjoyed story currently in the works on this site, but now I'm not so sure. I loved the piss out of everything you had going on before, so this isn't getting a lot of enthusiasm from me. However, I will try to withhold any judgements until this gets more underway with what you're planning with it. My only concern is that this will end up being a completely different story that jut has a similar premise, in which I'll spend all my time missing the first one instead of seeing this as a rewrite of the same tale.
Also, normally when someone does something like this, they leave the original story be with a discontinued status and then post a new revamp under a new name (or the same name with rewrite etc in the title). Then say the first one is discontinued and to check out the new version, instead of dropping all the chapters and the comments attached to them.
As for how it is thus far, it felt more like a prelude and with all of the previous stories/chapters knowledge, the only questions and comments I have involve the comparison between the two and Changelings over all, so that will have to wait until more of this revamp is done.
"What do you think we're gonna do if we find the nest?"
"Burn it. Burn the whole damned thing. And stomp out all the life in whatever hole the things call home."
Promote that stallion, immediately! Also, get some napalm issued to the Pegasus corps, and find some pyromancer unicorns. We got us a bug hunt!
Right, I think this is the best rewrite thus far. I don't think you should need to change it any further. Looking forward to the next update, i adored the first edition!
This is definitely a better go at it than your last attempt at changing the story was. There are a few lines here and there that I'm a little iffy about... the part with the Royal Guard ordering to burn the changeling hive to the ground being one of them. Hope that's just a personal prejudice rather than an order from the Princesses... still, most of the blandness problems have at least been MOSTLY fixed. It'd be good if you established a few more things about your main character relatively soon, and if he keeps giving the silent treatment it'll be harder to do that.
I will admit, it WAS a really good move switching the princess that confronts him from Celestia to Luna. Luna is much more believable as agressive or even vindictive. Your Shakespearean dialect leaves a bit to be desired, but other than that it was a very desirable change.
I still think that maybe it would have been better to keep the old version. I actually really liked the second person perspective, but if we really do have to start anew, then this is a decent starting point.
727390
I'd guess that the Royal Guards are high-strung after the recent invasion, so some of them are making their own personal calls. Nothing like an invasion on the capital to make the authorities paranoid.
Bro. Seriously. Stick with one opening and get on with the story. All of first chapters have been fine, and none of them are better or worse than the last.
Although it's kinda interesting, I'm tired of seeing different iterations of the same chapter.
You know i read this and thought that i subscribed to a story i never read, then you changed it again and it all came back. Good story anyways bro. anyways bro
.
I know you're just trying to get the story just right, i really hope this is the last retry, it's getting tiring
two must've been related in some manor
should be manner
728846 Corrected. Thanks for pointing that out.
...I liked the old story? I'm not much of a writer, but I'm quite a reader, so I have some experience reading.
Introductions are either too good or fails. There's a reason the terms "Jump the Shark" and "Growing the Beard" exist. The second one in particular is fairly important: It originated in Star Trek (a fairly popular TV series), a version of which failed in storytelling, somewhat, until the second season, a character grew a beard, and everyone loved the way the series was going and how it performed. NCIS did the same with the death of one of the main actors. Drizzt got Jarlaxle, Batman got Joker, Negima! has the school festival. NONE of these were in the introduction. IF A STORY IS GOOD, people will forgive a bland introduction. (Lucky Star is famous in that; its first episode is arguably the worst one in the series). An introduction sets the stage for the characters, not begins a gripping and memorable climax. Is Celestia a tyrant/heroine/trollestia/molestia in your fic? Set it up in the beginning, then we accept it and move on with that little tidbit being canon for this rendition of the universe. I didn't care if Celestia was hyper-angry. Most Changeling fics have her as at the very least blindingly bigoted, if not hostilely racist, I imagine most readers of changeling fics here are used to it.
I understand this is a complete re-write, but I saw your ratio of
to 
, it was pretty high. The audience was fine with how things were going. Write for yourself, I know I know, but remember if you write for yourself completely, then people will stop wanting to share an interest, as then you're just playing with yourself, and nopony watches that.
idc what they say i like the reamp
I have to agree with some of the other readers, the story was fine before you started all this rewriting. It is fine to have cool ideas for a story, but totally rewriting the whole thing just to fit them in seems indicitive of poor planning. You need to make sure that you plan out your story before you write a single line, not after several chapters have been posted. Also, please understand that it is normal to end up with ideas that don't make it into the story and there is nothing wrong with that.
At this point, I'm wondering if you have an editor. A good editor would have stopped this rewriting before it started. If you don't have one, i'd suggest finding one before you go any farther with this story.
This second revision is certainly an improvement over the first, but I must say that i miss the original perspective you had going. It felt way more personal and gave the reader a connection to the protagonist; something this current chapter does not accomplish. I do hope you keep the story on a similar track and pace as I was fond of how things were panning out.
I'll keep tracking for now, but I don't want to keep reading the same things over and over again because you can't make up your mind.
Hmm...I...I liked the story before, it was real good. This Revampery oughta be good
Huzza! The revamping has been doubled
!
We all know why you italicized "clop"
750382 Because it's an onomatopoeia?
You sick nasty!
Or...
... I like the way you think.
FYI: I'm pretty sure that "dost" is a strictly second-person conjugation. Just saying.
In any case, looking good thus far. I'm certainly looking forward to more, especially once we get past the point you'd reached earlier.