- Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen 12 hours ago
LegionofPony
I write commissions and sometimes write stuff I come up with too. Nuff said.
LegionofPony
Joined 27th Jun, 2014 ·
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Is there going to be a rewritten version of the squeal story, "Got what they deserved" too?
If so, I'd like to see it.
8338419
This incorporates the storylines of both in one story.
Shit! This is good. Well written... Good job!
Damn Applebloom that's harsh
8338452 Thanks! Glad you like it! I was trying hard for a good balance of tension without having to actually do anything drastic and I think it worked out. I should also mention that the second section, about Passion and finding out about the law, was only re-written by me. The original is by Silverstreak.
8338467 Aye, but she's just a dumb little filly after all.
Both Celestia And Twilight can take those "laws" and shove them up each others ASSES!
I know incest isn't the best thing, but my fucking God it is nowhere near bad enough to have those punishments!
and I hope as punishment Celestia is forced to suffer the same treatment as the other mares
interesting story
8338484
Celestia is to blame, not Twilight. She's simply a pawn in the game. Also...let's just say Celestia will get her retribution.
God dammit! these are some very dictator like punishments...
BTW i love the story hope to see more
8338554 Well, glad you enjoyed. I'm not so sure if I'm gonna be writing more of this darker stuff, but this one just caught my interest so much as to rewrite it in my style.
8338554
I gave him the permission to use that punishment for Celestia..........
Although the reproductive removal wasn't my bit......
Or the earth pony part......
8338543
Great job man. Honestly I can say you did way better than me when I wrote "Got what they deserved". Nice job
8338582 Actually, both of those elements were from your story:
- your story
Also, I'm glad you approve of my 'cleaner' version. I still gave that bitch Celestia her comeuppance!
8338594
Uh.......
Let me lool through my story qucik
8338594
You are right. I forgot that I wrote that part.
Although adding the razor wire and hooks would've added effect to her punishment
8338605
I wanted to keep this story completely bloodless and gore free. Besides, I'm pretty sure having your wings, magic, and immortality taken from you, your existence being stricken forever from a society that once adored you, being denied having foals and heirs, and being imprisoned alone and mute for the rest of your life, is plenty of punishment.
Those two stories still give me a nightmare...until I'm not sure if I will be brave enough to read your version...Maybe it's because I love Celestia too much...
8338617 I do adore Celestia's character too, but sometimes Tyrantlestia is interesting to depict too.
8338484
hm funny you mention God there... Celestia IS practically the Goddess of ponykind... when something come from there lots of people just obey...
There is still issues with how this laws passed a so short time ago, nine decades are just ninety years...
8338672
Everyone always have a reason to do a bad thing. But those story never said why Celestia made those laws. Why she alone make it become true. What make you hate incest so much until she made those cruel punishment...It's never tell. It's just she being bad for the sake of story.
8338773
I actually meant 9 centuries. Whoops.
8338814
These are horses we're talking about, remember this. But, you're probably right. Modified to 4" it is.
8338841
Sometimes, you just need a scapegoat for a story. The ones in power generally make a good one.
8338868
That why it make me hurt to read...At least if everyone tried to learn the truth behide Celestia cruel laws and punishment against incest. What cause the cruel twist in her mind. Tragedy? Dark matter? Anything....Maybe we might have a better story if we have a true conflict like that.... A story that will lead to second chance and the true happy ending for everyone. Even for Celestia...
So it's not like a happy ending to me here.
2 inches is a soda can. 3 inches is a wine bottle... How big ARE these ponies?
Hmm still lot of issues with this...
The whole legal framework doesn't hold. Equestria isn't a constitutional monarchy... It started as a coalition, went to diarchy more or less absolute, became a de facto monarchy for a thousand years, went back to a diarchy when Luna reappeared. It's not said anywhere that she has to be accountable to anyone.
Additionally you have the issue that you have a LOT of ponies that are okay with what was happening else you wold get either big upheaval or LOTS of people imprisoned and executed.
More over... what the hell are the documents proving that she has grossly mismanaged the due process doing there? why are they not just ashes in the wind? who the hell recorded the result of the vote and managed to remain alive to get that archived under the nose of Celestia? And again EVERYONE just flips opinion on the word of a disgruntled incestuos mare that she has found incredibly damning papers just laying around and not believe to the Sacred Princess that has raised the sun since time immemorial and has more power in an hoof than most ponies have in their whole body...
Then you have the issue that Celestia just comes peacefully...
Leaving aside the bit about getting her back to an earth pony... that may be your personal alternate universe idea... but that is DEFINITELY against anything even remotely canonical
Fundamentally it suffers from the same logical issues of the sequel before. It is definitely written better.
The original story, as fuc*ed as it was, was quite self consistent, especially the jarring counter-position in Twilight behaviour made sense to reconcile the general tone of the show with the terrible things done in following that law...
Here we have a different take on Twilight and that is also well characterized with the fugue in the rule list.
But the rest of the framework doesn't really hold up.
8338773
Here's the problem. History is too hard for people to grasp and think it always was static to today. Lots of things go right down the memory hole.
8338898
Spoilers below:
Added 'Alternate Universe' tag.
I implied that anyone who publicly opposed her laws were either imprisoned or had 'accidents' like Passion's brother. Besides, the public has been brainwashed into this mindset for nearly a millennium.
An old lost archive Celestia overlooked perhaps? I shall add that.
Because they finally realized that the laws they've been following blindly in fear, and their views they have been told were right despite feeling in their hearts otherwise, for so long are actually horrible and finally feel the need to stand up and change it when someone highly especially loved and respected is at risk.
She realized the jig was up, plus she was being physically restrained by half a dozen powerful guard ponies and didn't have use of her magic. In a situation like that, it's either give up or get beaten to a pulp until you can't resist. Or, y'know, magically incapacitated.
Forgot to add 'alternate universe' tag. Fixed.
Well thank you. This is my first time writing anything like this, so the criticism is appreciated.
8338885
Sometimes, like in real life, there is no happy ending for everyone.
Thumbs up for author who realised, that bringing gore to clopstory is a BAD IDEA!
8338965 Some people are into that. I'm not, and I don't get it either.
8338975
Yeah I once incidentaly crossed scat.
Thankfully the mental damage was big enough for my subconsciousness to suppress that memory.
8338946
There is a problem there... A LOT of ponies are involved in applying those laws... and admitting that Celestia is crazy would mean admitting that also THEY are in the wrong.
That's difficult.
It may be that ponies behave quite differently from humans, but that alone would get up something of a civil war
8339019
Gore can be reasonable... scat... ugh...nope.
8339019
Ugh....I don't like either, like the large majority I'm sure.
8339063
Well, there's another reason why ponies wouldn't want things to change. Because then THEM being in the wrong would also be brought to light.
8339064
I avoid both guro and scat actively.
To tell you the honest truth this version is far superior to headless rainbows version its a wonder I read the whole thing, once I finished it, I felt like upchucking my lunch incest may be questionable around the world but the punishment for that is just wack no joke its seriously messed up then you came along, I waited for something like this to happen, hoping against all hope LegionofPony, I tip my hat to ya mate, one brony to another very great work.
Have a like and a fave
8339483
8339484
Well, glad you prefer my 'tame' version more, with a clopfic that's focusing more on the clop and the plotline (heh) instead of gore. I daresay I do too!
Also, thanks for the like and the fave!
Yay!
Whoever wrote the story this is based on though needs immediate help. I am totally completely offended and stuff
Completed
Nuuuuuuuuuuuu
8339921 I know right! You should totally report them to an admin!
8339942 Yep, it's all nicely wrapped up I think, at least for this story.
8340057
Yeah
Well... I'll just ignore the second chapter and read the first and thried a bunch. I get that this was a different version of someone else's story... But holy fuck balls was this rage inducing.
8340429 Well, that's why I wrote it so that it could be read without any of the dark content. In future re-reads, just read the first chapter and the last portion of the third chapter (marked by page-searching for ~ ~ ~) if you just want the incest clop.
given the fact that so many mares was impregnated by big mac im surprised that incest is against the law in the first place
8338897 Missed this comment, sorry. They're all show-sized, Mac is just...very gifted in the girth department...and the everything department. But, you gotta wonder if it's a blessing or a curse when only one mare can fully take you.
8340667 Yes, but the thing is, the other mares he studded weren't related to him.
8338484
don't blame twilight she was just following the rules
Celestia's punishment was far too kind...
8340551
Yeah, yeah... I got all that, but I still wanted to see what the middle was all about. I knew what I was getting into and all that. I was more upset with all the characters and how they dealt with the situation.
8338437
I see.
I just finished reading the story, and it's not bad.
8340994 Well, the thing is, being completely alone, imprisoned and hated for your whole life, even by your sister, is very punishing in itself. Not to mention seeing everything you've done in your life, all of your accomplishments, completely forgotten and forbidden from being spoken of. Your immortality and status removed, and unable to pass on your legacy to an heir. Yeah, I think that's pretty punishing.
8341549 Well, curiosity killed the Puss-puss and all that... :P
8341677 Thanks, glad you liked my first steps into the dark side of FIMFic. I doubt I'll ever go deeper than this though.