Penalt
Joined 19th Dec, 2015 ·
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Penalt · 14k words · 54 10 · 372 views
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If you don't write more of this....I'm gonna have Sweetie "screech" Belle "sing" in your ear on a loop....
media.tumblr.com/3c75cdcc1c34ac633f6e4cb32c92edf3/tumblr_reply_mjkxaoZPCN1ryyzb8.jpg
I like this. I'll give it a follow and see where it goes.
Well you've certainly gotten me interested.
Hmm, good parts: well written, vivid descriptions, interesting premise. They were losing too many mail carriers to Discord's weird dimension, so they had to hire some from another world! The main character was approachable enough, and not too lolrandumb. I liked the way the ponies snuck around while doing the hiring, without being suspiciously off the radar, and without being too overpowered. Some of the characters were intriguing, such as the curiously inquisitive lady who ended up running out the door with her tail (ha) between her legs.
Bad parts: emotional investment, immersion, the main character is a "so random" snarker which almost never works ever, because it's too easy to become an author mouthpiece using the character to do a MST3K style critique of their own story. Being a snarker, the main character calmly, confidently takes everything in stride, which is a boring character trait that nobody really cares to read about. I felt like a lot of their details were thrown out just to be details (our parents named me Edgar Allen Poe but not really.) Applying for employment is depressing and boring, and it doesn't really sound like ponies are very much a step up from that.
It could use a little more emotional investment and a little less "ha ha I'm so clever and aloof not showing any vulnerability so I don't care if you criticise me." What are the main character's unresolved problems and what sort of thing really upsets him? Writing about that would help. I can think of some really neat ways this story could possibly go, which means you've got a lot of ways to score in my books. I get the feeling this is the sort of story you want to create, instead of a story you're doing to try to please others, so that's a bonus. The Pony Express thing was really clever, even though he turned out to be wrong in the end. I also liked the candy bar solution, though if he were applying to be an Equestrian archaeologist I'd probably require he display more anti-monkey karate moves.
Overall, it's a neat idea. I'd have to read more to see if you're going anywhere with it. But... uh...
...
...do you really think Big Macintosh is going to make a very good postal worker?
Great story, but the reactions aren't realistic though.
If I was turned into a pony, I wouldn't shrug it off and go on with life.
Well this looks like a very promising story so far and it is interesting to see a human, that knows nothing about MLP take the transformation with such strides and humor and just roll with it. I like it that you're going to focus more on the humor and surreal aspect of the HiE and that the character is going to be an active traveler in the MLP world and beyond. But, what I especially like about it is that he is going rear a uniform mail delivery uniform that I really love like the first Derpy wore or Special Delivery, Post Hast and that old dude with the glasses. If you provide me with a detailed discretion of the style of uniform I might just have something special for you later. I wonder how the guys other coworkers will be like?
Very much looking forward see more.
http://amalgamzaku.deviantart.com
Really liking this so far. The idea of the reason for the HiE being in Equestria slash transformed being an outright job is not one I think I've ever seen before, and I'm really curious where you're going with the 'pony express' angle.
I must admit I feel the same worry as 8257195 expressed. The character seems very aloof and irreverent, at least on a first impression.
And although I must admit that's probably the type of... well, screwball that Discord would pick, I'm hoping our protagonist has a bit more depth to him then it appears at first glance. Finding himself transformed into a talking, cartoon pony, and he just laughs himself silly at a pun? Really?
That reaction seems... unlikely, I must admit.
I did like how analytical he seems, though. Noting how all the pamphlets and similar window-dressing in the company waiting room and drawing a conclusion from that isn't something most people would do, and I hope to see that part of him expanded and explored further.
Still, a few nits picked aside, color me intrigued. I really hope to see this continued.
8257195
8257545
Thank you for the feedback. Not only is this my first story written in the first person perspective, It is also my first HiE story and my first story written from a male perspective. I didn't realize that it was so many firsts when started out on this. All I really wanted to do was stretch myself a bit. So, with that let me say that your feedback is taken to heart and I will make the effort to incorporate it into the story as I move forward with it.
8257492
Damn. I mean, um, sure. No problem, I'll get that to you as soon as I can.
8257545
There are two that might count towards that: Project Sunflower and The Aegis.
8257666
Well, I'll grant you that Sunflower technically qualifies, but I must admit I saw her more as an explorer and slash or spy. The focus more on survival slash science which are both more glorified then a more mundane and downright pedestrian desire for a fat paycheck.
I have not read The Aegis, however. Thanks for the tip, it looks interesting.
A sex tag without a romance tag to back it up usually scares me away, but I'm in desperate need for a new HiE to follow so I'll take the risk.
8257659
What a refreshingly positive look on neutral criticism. You know what, just for that I'm going to track and see where this story goes.
8257773
We had a debate on the tagging for the story. We eventually settled on mature and sex to leave open options for future developments, considering one of the main themes would be cultural and species shock and acclamation, as well as exploring co-workers. It's entirely possible it will all be chaste for the most part, it depends on how the author's muse steers.
I give most stories a chapter to set the mood.
You got into the "read me later" files for a nice start.
Okay. You have my attention.
8257659
Thank you for taking the time to consider my advice! Good luck with your new story and with... trying out a male main character. That's sure a lot braver than me! I don't think I've ever written a male character from a first person perspective. Well, at least not male for long... does it count if I wrote a one-shot about a female character who turned male?
8259104
I'd say it counts if you think it does.
As for your feedback, what you said made a lot of sense especially as some of it was things I had been worrying about. It also helps that you weren't trying to beat me with a clue by four to explain it to me. I hope you find enjoyment with the next chapter.
Quite a good story but not sure it needs to be M rated.
8259412
As yet, no. But mature things are a possibility down the line and so I am keeping my options open.
Okay, this is straight up, god damn original.
I saw no mistakes in the first person perspective - less mistakes than I have made trying to make the transition, anyways.
Definitely tracking - looking forward to seeing how this story goes!
Chapter reaction face:
This is, I think, the first story told from the perspective of someone like our protagonist here that felt halfway 'real'. Most others on this site have protagonists who are clearly fake, but James is by far the most lifelike OC I've ever encountered. I don't know if it's your writing style (which is impeccable), or what, but that's what I'm getting from this.
Good fucking job.
8259483
heh, that's good.
Ok, so a pointer for next time.
We're all generally here for ponies. This whole chapter probably could have been skipped and moved straight into the pone. I find that I lose interest if ponies don't appear in the first couple of paragraphs unless it's a particularly interesting setup. And to be frank, guy takes shady looking job offer without question and gets teleported to equestria is a common cliche at this point. And also shows that the main character has zero critical thinking skills.
Hope you do well regardless, your writing isn't "bad" per say, but it fails to hold my interest.
8264130
Care to name any other story with this then? I'd like to know.
Interesting. Please continue!
I hope he's creative in finding ways of converting that gold to cash...
Really liking this story!
All three chairs and the desk were made of dark wood and leather, which complimented the dark brown theme -- complemented
8294392
fixed!
8294286 "I got a job with an eccentric old coot who pays me in gold coins?"
reliable
Hey, I'll have you know I was thinking entirely non-sexual thoughts! For once.
“What happens next?”
Oh boy, a multiverse. That can get out of hand really fast. I still don't see how delivering letters to Discord could possibly be any sort of adventure, no matter how madcap and zany his world is. Now delivering letters from Discord...
This ought to be interesting. You have my attention.
"Um...I...uh,
pe...po...folks
and
anything
to
8294703
Fixed 'em, thank you.
8294622
To be fair, the existence of a multiverse does seem like it's going to be a background detail, with the main focus on the delivery route between Equestria, Earth and Discord's pocket dimension.
As far as world hopping stories go, three realms sounds quite reasonable to flesh out properly while still leaving plenty to explore.
Heck, just the idea of our hero having to tell his parents what type of work pays in bags of horse themed gold coins sounds like a hoot!
8294286
It's called a pawn shop!
I know the perfect way to navigate Chaosville. First you forget wanting to find Discord, then you fly aimlessly as you think about getting as far away from him as possible. Murphy's law will make sure you end up slamming straight into his door!
Battle Derpy, with kung-fu grip!
8364416
I've actually been working a bit on names and styles of various pony martial arts...
8364433
)...
I wonder if pegasi styles would be inspired by weather phenomena, like various kung-fu styles are around observation of animals (or drunk people
8364433
Iron Hoof style
Hoof-fu
drunken-hoof (Berry Punch is a master!)
(I could pobably come up with better but I'm tired)
8364549
Well, I'm thinking Pegasi martial arts would be very flowing and involve lots of moment. Unicorns would focus on defence and precise strikes and Earth Pony combat would be a very hard style with lots of blocks and strikes.
I think some one has watched this a few times.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRiPItZaue4
8364637
I think in a fic I read a while back Had Lyra being a unicorn martial artist who was good with a more Go with the flow style called Still way or something like that...
Not gonna judge you for cute Derps as a bitchin' brawler. Also... were these the human-verse equivalent of Diamond Dogs?