There's a new delivery service out there, and they're hiring!
James Allens is a typical 20 year old. A young man out on his own in the big city for the first time in his life. Like most young people his age he's found that school hasn't really prepared him that well for the job market and the minimum wage job he does have is unfulfilling, at best. So, when he sees a rather odd ad offering travel and good pay he responds. Never realizing how much it will change his life.
Tagged Mature with Sex for some things that may happen in future chapters, as I am a firm believer in tagging my stories more strictly than necessary.
The early fall sun came through my window, and reminded me with a vengeance that I had been sitting on my couch all day. Three years out of school, the economy sucked, and despite pounding the pavement all summer I hadn’t been able to land a job better than putting together pizzas for the local outfit. Oh, I should introduce myself, just so that you can try to google me at some point and come up with a blank.
The name is James Edgar Allens. Yes, I know. Why isn’t it ‘Edgar Allens Poe,’ or something along those lines? Probably because my parents, who could find a straight line in a nest of snakes, ran out of room on my birth certificate form. Or maybe they just couldn’t bring themselves to fully pun the name of their son. I’m nearly twenty-one and since the day I graduated, I’ve tried to make use of what thirteen years of the public education system has put into me. Only to find out that, along with most of my peers, about the only thing most of us were good for was digging ditches or saying, “Do you want fries with that?”
So, driven by the primal need of all young men to prove themselves, I left the home and sleepy town I had grown up in and moved to the big city.
There have to be good, well-paying jobs here, I remember thinking to myself. Well, a year here had taught me that there were indeed jobs in the city. Just as long as I was once again willing to say, “Do you want fries with that?” So, I sucked up my pride and took one of those jobs and I am now the proud renter of the cheap bachelor apartment now bathed in the sun of early autumn. Instead of back home in Itoldyouso, Indiana.
I looked around the sparsely furnished main room. The second-hand couch on which I sat had seen better days, but it had been free off of Craigslist, and thus, perfect. As was the table with two mismatched chairs in the cooking area. I had also scrounged a couple of bookcases for my collection of paperbacks, and my mattress in the loft almost rounded out my furnishings. A life lived in four hundred square feet.
My second-hand laptop was plugged in and sat on a second-hand table beside my couch. The laptop was attached to my one and only vice: The Internet. Ah, the lovely, lovely internet. My window to a bigger world that wasn’t second-hand. A world with movies, music, cheap furnishings and most of all, job listings. Booting up the laptop, I immediately went online and started running down through the various job boards. Nothing but an array of minimum wage jobs, sweatshop ads, and outright scams. I was paging through one of the lesser used sites, when an ad coloured by Dr. Seuss’s shotgun caught my eye.
Responsible, reliable, individuals sought for courier work, long hours in conditions beyond those of mortal comprehension, successful candidate must be intelligent, with a good memory and a flexible attitude toward reality, body types and the laws of physics. Significant travel. Knowledgeable in more than one language a plus. Significant remuneration, travel expenses covered, full medical and dental.
There was a contact number after that intriguing blurb and I considered writing it off as fake because it started with the movie classic of “555”. But the sheer bold faced uniqueness of the ad kept drawing me back to look at it. Finally I gave in, dialed the number and to my surprise, the call went through
“Thank you for calling Dissonance Enterprises,” a pleasant voice said from the other end. “If you are calling to respond to our recent ad, press ‘1’ now.”
“Naturally,” I muttered. “Well with any luck this won’t be a phone tree for a phoney company.”
“I will have you know there isn’t anything foamy about our operation,” a slightly outraged voice said in my ear. “The only foam we have is packing peanuts, but they do get everywhere. It’s something of an omniversal law.”
“Ah...um, sorry,” I said, terminally embarrassed. “These automated systems are annoying sometimes.”
“Which is why we answer the calls personally,” said the voice, and I could hear the smugness as they felt they had put one over on me.
“So, that was you at the beginning?” I asked, trying to recover my lack of poise with a little flattery. “Wow, I’m impressed. I really thought that was an automated system there.”
“Why, thank you,” said the voice, and I could almost see them preening on the other end of the line. “You sound interesting, young fellow. Tell you what, be at the old post office building on Fourth at 10 A.M. tomorrow.” Unseen by the voice on the other end, I high-fived the universe as my parents endless reminders that politeness and a little flattery seemed to be bearing fruit.
Smiling at the memory, I grabbed a pen and started jotting down the information. Which was a good thing because what I heard next nearly broke my brain.
“Your folks definitely were right, and it warms my spirit to know there are young folks who still respect their elders,” the voice said, as my brain locked up. “I’ll see you tomorrow at ten,” the person on the other line said, followed by the click of the line hanging up.
“Wait, what?” I said. “I didn’t say that out...” I blinked and realized I was sitting alone, on my couch and nearly yelling at a dial tone. It took me a few minutes for my mind to reboot and I did my best to kludge it up to speed. There is no way whoever it was on the other end could have read my mind. I must have muttered that bit about my parents while I thought it and the company rep had heard it. I was just lucky they had a sense of humour.
The next morning found me frantically dashing around from the moment I had woken up. Showering, shaving, and getting on my best office casual outfit. Black slacks, brown leather shoes, and a dark red dress shirt with the top button open, that contrasted nicely with my trim dirty blond hair. I gave myself a quick once over in the bathroom mirror and my green eyes looked back out from the image of a young man I barely recognized.
Nodding in satisfaction, I grabbed up the messenger bag I carried with me and checked through it as well. Multiple copies of my resume, my references and generally anything and everything I thought I might need looked back at me from sections of the bag. Yesterday, I hadn’t been so nervous about this. But that was before I went online and checked out “Dissonance Enterprises.” Every message board I checked, and every person I was able to DM about the company said the same thing in different ways.
The company had showed up out of nowhere a few weeks ago by leasing the entire upper floor of the old post office building, and had started interviewing. A lot of people had been drawn in by the “significant remuneration” part of their ad, and the applicants had been as thick as mosquitoes on a tourist. What had people believing this wasn’t some kind of scam was the universal rejection of everyone who had applied. No fees were asked, no references were taken, no please “tell your friends,” none of the classic marks of a scam operation were in evidence. These folks were obviously looking for just the right sort of person, and by my empty bank account, I planned to be that person.
I left early, catching a bus heading out before I had to leave, because the last thing I wanted to do was to be late. But my early departure ran me smack into the tail end of the morning rush, and I found myself packed into a solar heated sardine can on wheels, that seemed to be doing its level best to convince its captives that they really should use their own cars. As I bounced and jounced along with the mass of humanity I was a part of, I mentally cursed my choice of transport, as the heat of the sun and my fellow passengers conspired to draw a trickle of sweat from my body.
The bus finally pulled into its stop on Third, and as I stepped off the slight breeze was welcome as it cooled me and evaporated the sweat I had accumulated. I had a good thirty minutes before I had to be at the old postal station. Plenty of time to walk the couple of blocks necessary to reach my final destination and I walked with care through the old area of town.
My city had been originally founded as a railroad terminus, and as such the main post office had been originally beside the rail depot. But as time and road travel had pressed on, it had become more efficient to move the main post office to a more central location in the middle of town. Thus, the large and impressive stone building sat largely empty now, and the postal service would dearly love to be rid of the impressive upkeep costs of the building as well. But there wasn’t much of a market for 150 year old, four story, stone buildings. Even one remodeled to take advantage of fancy new things like electricity and indoor plumbing. So, other than one small corner of the place, the monument to the best sorting technology of the 1800’s stood empty.
Which was probably why they were so eager to rent out a chunk of the place to anyone willing to pay some rent. I turned the corner and laid eyes on the grassy plaza that surrounded the old rail depot and post office. I let out a small curse and picked up my pace, because despite the fact that I knew I was early, there was a small crowd of men and women clustered around the entrance to the building. All of them obviously job seekers like me and all of them no doubt as hungry for that “significant remuneration” as I was.
I needn’t have rushed though, as I got there in plenty of time to join the crowd of about twenty or so individuals milling around. Some were talking to others, some double checking their resumes, a couple even having a quick smoke. I didn’t let myself get drawn into conversations and I stayed well away from the smokers. I was here to get a job, not make friends, and definitely not to walk into an interview stinking of cigarette smoke.
A few minutes later the group’s patience was rewarded as the doors to the massive building were unlocked and a young woman, dressed in a light grey business suit, stepped out to address the group. Two things about the woman stood out. First off, there was something wrong with one of her eyes. One eye was looking at us, the second was staring off on a tangent. It wasn’t a false eye, because a blink later the eyes reversed their roles. The other item of note, was a yin-yang cameo centered on a grey velvet choker about her throat. The band of the choker had stitching on it, so that it resembled a pair of grey wings emerging from the cameo to hug her neck.
“Those of you here for the interviews please come with me,” the woman said, and we obediently followed her into the building and up the broad, worn stone staircase at one end of the large entryway. Man, they do not make buildings like this anymore. High vaulted ceilings, contoured pillars and a floor of honest stone. As we trudged up the stairs I kept my eyes focused on the woman from the company, who maintained a spot at the head of our group. She was a little taller than average, with the build and carriage of someone who used their body a lot.
Not like that, you pervert. I mean someone who worked physically for a living. Someone like...a mail carrier. Which made a lot of sense considering where we were. Anyway, she moved easily up the stairs, almost flying up them, her sensible flat shoes barely seeming to touch the stairs, and by the time we reached the top at least half of us were huffing and puffing as we tried to keep up. One of the bonuses of being broke is that you either walk or bike almost everywhere to save money, so I had endurance to burn and I was one of the few who were barely winded at all by the climb.
So, when we reached the top I had a chance to see that we had come out into a wide corridor straight out of a film noir detective novel. The corridor was long, with golden parquet flooring and frosted glass doors every ten feet or so stretching the length of the building. Old light fixtures suspended from above lit the passageway in pools of light, and we were escorted to a large waiting room.
“Please have a seat, everypo--everybody,” the woman said, indicating a number of chairs around several tables. “I’ll be taking you in groups of three for interviews. From each group, one individual will be picked to move on to the final evaluation. Are there any questions?”
“Yes, Ms...” a dark haired fellow in his thirties said. He was dressed impeccably and everything about him screamed “salesman”.
“Hooves,” the blond supplied.
“Ms. Hooves,” the salesman-type continued with a raised eyebrow at the odd name, “would you like to take any of our documentation?”
“No,” Ms. Hooves said. “If you pass the final evaluation we will take your documentation then.”
“Ma’am,” said a petite asian girl to my right, “how many people have you hired so far?”
Hooves seemed to deflate a bit as she replied, “So far, we have been unable to find a suitable candidate for the position. I have time for one more question before I have to take the first group for their interview.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I said. “You said no one has passed the evaluation. Is it dangerous at all?”
“Not physically,” Ms. Hooves said, and pointed to three individuals “Now, if you three would come with me, we’ll get started.” The three pointed to got up with smiles, and followed the blond woman out the door, probably to a neighboring room where the interviews and evaluation would be done. With nothing else to do, I began to look around to kill some time.
The waiting room with the twenty odd of us was well lit by windows letting in the late morning sun. The corridor leading here had been a mining tunnel in comparison to the sunny brightness in the room. Other than the chairs and tables in the room the place was almost bare, except for several flyers and small books on the tables. Bored, I swept one up and had a look at it. Oddly enough, it was a flyer advertising the services of a farrier.
“Huh,” I said out loud, attracting the attention of the asian girl on my right.
“What did you spot?” she asked. I could tell she was as bored as I was, and looking for anything to make the time go by, just like me.
“Look at this,” I said quietly, holding up the farrier flyer. “Doesn’t this strike you as an odd thing to be lying around a business setting like this?”
“Well, how about this?” she asked, holding up a slim volume that had been on her side of the table. The title read “How to Maintain Your Tack.”
“Weird,” I said to her, and half getting out of my chair I cast my gaze around the room, trying to peer out the titles of the other bits of printed matter around the room. Every one of them had something to do with either horses, or horse maintenance, and not a single one of them was a work of fiction. It was almost like someone was either doing research or...I sat back down with a wide smile.
“What?” the girl asked. “What did you spot?”
“A trend,” I said, “and maybe an explanation.” I was being deliberately a little mysterious because the idea that was going through my head was too incredible to believe.
“Out with it,” the girl said, looking intently at me. “C’mon, don't leave me hanging.” I just smiled, leaned back and shook my head. There is no way she would believe what I was thinking of. I mean who would believe that someone was planning to revive the Pony Express in the modern age, but it was the only thing I could think of that fit everything so far. In fact, it was probably part of the interview process to see if someone would pick up on it. The clues were all there. Based in a post office, looking for elite personnel, travel, and on top of that, the underlying pony theme of all the literature lying around..
It all added up to “Pony Express International” and there was no way I was going to ruin my chances at the job by clueing someone else in. Asian Girl bugged me a few more times over the next hour, trying to get me to spill my guts. I just put her off by telling her, “You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you.” After the fourth attempt, I was saved by her being called for her group interview, and I got to be bored again, until ten minutes later when something weird happened.
There were only about six of us left in the waiting room at that point, when a loud commotion in the hall outside brought everyone to their feet. A moment later the door burst open and in it appeared Asian Girl, hair disheveled, one shoe missing and her eyes wild. Those eyes locked onto me and she ran across the room so fast I swear she flew.
Grabbing onto me with desperate strength she babbled, “Don’t let them take me! I don’t want to be saddled and bridled. Don’t let them...” She broke off with a wordless cry of terror as Ms. Hooves came in.
“What’s going on?” I asked, putting myself between Hooves and the girl. The two other guys in the room also moved to stand between Hooves and Asian Girl. I wasn’t sure what was going on but I would be damned if I was going to let Asian Girl go without knowing she would be safe.
“Some applicants have a bad reaction to the final evaluation,” Hooves said sadly. “It’s okay Miss, you’re safe. No po...one will do anything to you that you don’t want. Come with me, I’ll get you a drink and show you it was all a simulation.” Asian Girl peeked around me as Hooves words seemed to sink in.
“S--Simulation?” she asked shakily. “It wasn’t real?”
“No,” The blond Hooves said, slowly walking up and putting a hand on the girl. “You’re safe, it’s all good. Come with me, I’ll get you a drink and you can leave whenever you’re ready.” Slowly the girl began to unpeel herself from my side.
“You’re not going to bridle me?” she asked in a stronger voice, as Ms. Hooves put an arm around her.
“Of course not, dear,” Hooves said, confidently assuring her. “Let me take you to my office. You can sit for a bit, have a drink, breathe and when you’re ready you can head home.”
“Okay,” Asian Girl said, and I could see she was getting her bearings back. The other two guys looked as puzzled as I felt, but everything looked to be under control and Asian Girl seemed to be okay as she said, “I’m sorry I freaked out like that.”
“It’s okay, it happens sometimes,” Hooves said, leading her out and her voice trailed off as they left the room. “Let’s get you that drink...” There was a slight delay before the next to last group left for their interview. As they did, Asian Girl poked her head back in the door and waved “bye” to me. I waved back, relieved that things did seem to be on the up and up. About ten minutes later, after over an hour of waiting, it was my turn.
Ms. Hooves led myself, the well-dressed salesman, and another fellow out of the waiting room, down the hall a couple of doors and into a smaller room. In this room was a simple set of three chairs, sitting in front of a wooden desk and at the desk sat an older man. He was quite tall, with a lean build and a well trimmed dark goatee that was well flecked with gray. As for what he was wearing...
The man looked like his clothing had been assembled from random bits of the outfits worn by Dr. Seuss characters. Oh, they fit him well enough, but the combination of colours and fabrics was eye-watering. The salesman guy literally blanched as he walked in the door and caught sight of who he was going to be dealing with, and it took everything I had not to laugh. This was obviously planned in order to rattle us and for someone so obviously pre-planned as the salesman guy it worked. But I was made of more flexible stuff and I decided to just roll with it.
“Hello sir,” I said, holding out a hand.
“Ah, yes,” the man said, and I recognized the voice from yesterday’s phone conversation. “We spoke yesterday.”
“Yes, we did,” I said, smiling. “I don’t see any packing peanuts around.”
“We cleaned up just for you,” he said, smiling as well. “Very well, fellows. My name is Discord, and I’m going to ask you a few questions.” These folks sure seemed to like dropping hints. Most people wouldn’t know that discord and dissonance are synonyms, but thanks to my pun happy parents, I happen to be among the lucky number that do. I’m not sure what the significance was, but I had a feeling it was important in some way. My attention snapped back to Mr. Discord as he asked us his first question.
“All right then, you are walking through a forest when a large monkey charges toward you. He wants to attack you for the candy bar in your back pocket. What’s the best way to stop him using only yourself and the candy bar?” Mr. Discord asked, leaning forward.
“I throw the candy bar in one direction and run away in the other,” the salesman guy said with barely a thought.
“I throw the candy bar at the monkey,” the other guy said, almost as quickly and they both looked at me for my answer.
“I quickly eat the candy bar so there is nothing to fight over,” I said, and the eyes on the other two bugged out a bit.
“Ha!” Discord burst out. “You, I like. Okay, second question. If you had to pick something, what would you say is your special talent in life?”
“I can sell pretty much anything to anyone,” Mr. Salesman said, first off the mark again. He must have thought he was impressing Mr. Discord by replying so quickly.
“I’m a whiz at diplomacy and customer relations,” the other guy said. “I can tell people to go to hell so nicely they look forward to the trip.”
“Interesting,” Discord said, and then looked at me. “What about you?”
I thought about my answer for a moment. So far, things had shown a definite tendency to be logical, but in a twisted way, which shaped my answer.
“I can get into places that I’m not supposed to. I call it ‘Boldly going where I should not have gone before.’ Nothing illegal, just places I’m not supposed to be in,” I said, and looking back at the other two, I folded my arms over my chest, daring them to say anything.
“Well,” Mr. Discord said, “I think I can skip the next questions because I’ve already decided who is going to the final evaluation.” Salesman guy just leaned back in his chair with a small smile and I could feel the smugness radiating off of him right up to the point our interviewer pointed at me and said, “You. I really do like you. Come with me, and let’s see if you can pass the final evaluation.”
“What?” Salesman exclaimed, tilting back forward. “All he did was just say random things that didn’t make much sense.”
“I know, isn’t it wonderful?” Discord asked rhetorically, and made a shooing motion with his hand. “As for you two, off you go. Thank you for coming, have a great day, etcetera, etcetera.” The other two both shot me dirty looks but said nothing as they got up to leave. Once the door closed behind them, the interviewer got up and shook my hand. I was impressed at how tall he was, easily as tall as a professional basketball player, and his grip was firm as he pumped my hand up and down.
“Well, you’re our last chance of the day to the fill the position,” he said, and opened the door leading out of the room. “Are you ready for the final evaluation?”
“Yes,” I said simply, getting up and following Discord out of the room and down the hallway. We went a few doors down the hallway and walked up to a door I hadn’t noticed before when I had come through with the big group. All of the other doors in the corridor were the classic wooden door with a frosted glass window design, but this one was all wood, with no glass and painted in a crazy quilt of colours.
That was one of the things with this whole process that kept intriguing me. There was this framework of normality that seemed to be supporting a weird playful randomness that kept making me smile inside.
“So, this is the final test that no one has been able to pass?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow up to Mr. Discord. As I asked the question, I saw Ms. Hooves come up behind him, carrying a blue mid-sized backpack.
“Indeed it is, and I admit I have great hopes for you. You are one of the most promising candidates Derpy...er, Ms. Hooves and I have seen to date,” Discord said with a smile as he passed me over the backpack. “This is the test. Put on the backpack. Carry it to the end of the corridor, making sure that you look out the windows as you do so. At the end of the corridor there will be a full length mirror. Look into the mirror for a full minute and see how you look with the backpack. Then come right back out.”
“Wait, that’s it?” I asked, a little confused. “No wind sprints, no physical testing?”
“This is the test to see if you have what it takes on the inside to work with us,” Discord said, putting a hand to his chest. “What we are outside is simple flesh, and it changes from day to day. It’s what is inside that counts, and this will determine if you are the one we’re looking for.”
“All right then,” I said, settling the backpack onto my shoulders and as I did I noticed that it fit well, really well. Most times, if you borrow someone’s stuff, you have to adjust it to fit you. Not this backpack. It settled onto my shoulders and my back like it had been made for me, like it was a part of me, as the best quality ones will. I nodded to Discord and Hooves to indicate I was ready and he opened the door.
The door opened into a surprisingly long, narrow, dark corridor. There was a light right where I was, and one pooling light at a mirror, at the far end about a hundred feet away, but between the two extremes stretched inky blackness. I took a breath and stepped through the doorway. The door was closed behind me and three things happened in the next few fractions of a second. First, the light overhead went out, plunging my immediate area into blackness and as it did, a wave of vertigo swept over me and I staggered a bit. Then, in the next moment, some windows opened up, spilling light into the middle area of the corridor.
The vertigo passed and I started walking down the corridor toward the far end. Right away I noticed that the sound of my footsteps sounded different, with sharper impacts, sort of like the “tock” sound you hear when a woman’s high heel hits a hard floor. I ignored it and concentrated on moving forward and being ready for any surprises. I was moving easily, and surprisingly my shoulders seemed to be very much into the motion, propelling me forward almost as much as my legs. The backpack had settled into a barely noticeable weight that I only really felt above my hips.
About thirty seconds in, I reached the windows and blinked as I realized that they were higher up than I had realized at first. I had thought they were about waist height on me, but as I reached them it turned out they were actually shoulder height on me, and I looked out of them as I had been told to do, and I blinked in surprise.
I was looking out into what appeared to be a busy mailroom. Sacks of mail lay around, the walls covered in pigeon holes into which envelopes and small packages were being sorted and arranged. But that wasn’t the surprising part, not at all. The surprising part was who, or maybe I should say what was sorting the mail. Several small, devastatingly cute little pastel ponies were hauling the mail around, sorting it and putting it into outbound sacks. I guess one of them must have heard me when I d'awwed at them and he waved to me.
I smiled and nodded politely back at the impossible creature. Horses didn’t come in that size or that shade of blue, nor did they sort mail or wave at people. It had to be the simulation Ms. Hooves had spoken of earlier, and it fit in with the whole “Pony Express International” idea. Not too mention that friendly, colourful, and cute ponies would make wonderful characters in training videos. It made sense and the CGI was fantastic on these characters. But, I had an assignment to fulfill, so I turned from the window and continued to the end of the passageway.
In the dim light at the end of the corridor stood a floor length mirror and as I reached it a light snapped on above me. I’m not vain, but I do take some pride in my appearance, so it was with some pleasure I looked at the reflection of the handsome, brick red stallion looking back at me from the mirror. His dark blond mane and tail with their dark highlights contrasted nicely with his coat and the saddle bags he wore. I blinked.
“What the hell,” I said and looked down. Sure enough, I was a little four legged horse with a dark red coat and dark hooves. I giggled. I couldn’t help it slipping out because the whole idea was just too awesomely absurd. I spun in a little circle, and I saw my tail...my tail, flowing behind me like a dark blond flag and I realized that the “tock” sound from earlier was actually the “clip-clop” of my hooves. I’d been a pony since I walked into the corridor and hadn’t even noticed, because I have been so focused on passing the evaluation.
I laughed, and it felt good to laugh. I had been so right about everything and at the same time, so wrong and laughing about it all just seemed the natural response in this body...my body. I kept laughing and I heard Mr. Discord coming up the hall.
“Are you okay there, my little pony?” he asked, and as the lights came up, I saw that he was no longer human either. He had become a long sinuous creature that sort of looked like a chinese dragon with parts of various other animals glued on and I couldn’t help but laugh even harder.
“HAHAHA...Pony Express!” I belly laughed, falling to my side. “HEH HEH We’re the ponies not the Express!” Then I saw Ms. Hooves behind him, and I lost it so hard I actually whinnied. She had taken off her choker and I could see she was slowly changing to a pony form herself. “HOOVES!” I chortled, pointing a hoof at her. “HOOVES...” I just rolled onto my back and laughed while Discord stood there looking down on me with a goofy smile on his own face.
“You okay down there, or did we break you too?” he said after awhile, and despite that broad smile still on his face I could hear concern. It was hard, so very hard, to stop the laughter and pull myself together, but I did it over the next minute or two, taking slow and even deep breaths to steady myself.
“You were right,” I said, as I pulled my thoughts out of the crazy mirth they had been swimming in and rolled myself to my chest with surprising ease. “It’s what’s inside that counts.”
“Indeed it does,” Discord said. “You’ve done better at accepting this than anypony else we’ve interviewed. Do you want the job?” He held out a paw to help me up.
“I’m interested,” I said, putting a hoof in his paw and letting him pull me up. “Tell you what, how about you explain it all to me and I’ll give you a straight answer.” Behind him, Hooves beamed approval as her mane lengthened another inch and her hands changed to hooves a little more.
“Sounds good,” Discord said. “Let’s head back to my office and we can go over the details.”
“I’ll say this,” I said, as we clip-clopped back up the corridor, “it certainly is a unique opportunity.”
“Friend,” Discord said, “you don’t know the half of it.”
I was feeling pretty giddy as we stepped back out through the door into the main hallway of the office floor. I was a horse now, a little pony. I wasn’t entirely sure how it happened, but somehow I had become the “Pony” in “Pony Express.” A cold slithery sensation roiled through my gut as I remembered that the role of a pony for the Pony Express, was to be a mount, a beast of burden, an animal. A well-cared for animal certainly, but still an animal and suddenly Asian Girl’s earlier shout of, “I don’t want to be saddled and bridled” made a hell of a lot more sense.
Mr. Discord had gone back to his original lean form and turned to help Ms. Hooves as she tried, in vain, to buckle her choker back around her neck. Her half pony-half human form wasn’t very good at doing up buckles it seemed, and as the two them were occupied I started to take a few careful steps away from them, mentally measuring how many steps I had to go to be sure I could make a run for it. Unless it was for some fun with a willing partner, I didn’t want to be saddled and bridled either.
“And where do you think you’re going?” Mr. Discord asked, turning away from Ms. Hooves, having finished fastening her grey choker back in place. “Not thinking of running out on us, are you?” I froze, one foreleg raised a step, and forced a smile to my face.
“Well, you see, this is kind of cool and all, but I really don’t feel like being ridden around, so—” I began to say.
“You won’t,” Ms. Hooves interrupted. “Be ridden, I mean. Not unless you want to.“ She blushed a bit and I had a feeling I was missing something. “We’ve been looking for someone like you for awhile now,” she said, giving me what seemed like a reassuring smile. “Is...is it okay if I come over and take the backpack off?”
“Just you,” I said. If need be, I could probably take the woman as opposed to the guy, especially if my intention was getting away. Hooves nodded and walked slowly up to me, and her motions were exactly like what I would do if I had to approach a nervous dog...or a skittish horse.
“I’m going to kneel down beside you so I can take the backpack off, okay?” Hooves asked when she got close. Ya, she was definitely trying to put me at ease, which made me ready to run that much more. So instead of running, I nodded and watched her carefully as she knelt on the wooden floor of the hallway and reached out a single appendage that was slowly reverting back to a hand.
“You aren’t human, are you?” I asked her, as she fumbled with the buckle.
“Nope,” she said, and I heard the “pop” as she got the squeeze buckle to release. A moment later I was standing over her with the backpack on the floor at my feet. I looked down at my completely human feet that were in their perfectly normal shoes and the rest of me was back to being absolutely normal in the clothes I was wearing when this all began.
“Mr. Allens,” Discord said from about ten feet away. “Derpy and I have a job to offer you. But before we do, let me promise you that from this point forward nothing will happen to you without your consent or knowledge.”
“Really?” I asked, helping Hooves up, catching a glimpse of some interesting curves as I did so. She might not be a human, but she was most definitely a woman and one thing Dad always insisted on is that a man always offers assistance to a lady.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Discord said, as a wide smile crossed his face.
“Heh,” I laughed, and Discord’s smile grew wider as he heard it. “How serious is that oath?”
“Extremely serious,” he said, as he looked around for some reason, “and it lasts for—”
“FOREVER” shouted a voice from behind me and I spun around to catch a glimpse of a very, very pink pony sinking back through a doorway as she pointed a hoof at Mr. Discord.
“What the hell was that?” I exclaimed, as Discord facepalmed and muttered something about a “Pinkie,” whatever the hell that was.
“The pony that will fink on me if I break my Promise,” he said darkly, then he brightened up. “So, are you interested in the job?” I took a few breaths to calm myself down and with maybe a little bit of wanting to get some of my own back, I spent several moments fixing my clothing a bit and letting Discord just hang there. I had the suspicion he knew exactly what I was up to, especially when he cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Honestly, yes,” I said, a little surprised with myself. “But I have questions, a lot of questions, that I want them answered before I say ‘yes’ to the job.”
“Well, that seems fair enough,” Discord said, as his grin came back, and I hadn’t noticed before but he seemed to have a bit of an overbite. “Let’s sit down in my office and we can engage in a little quid pro quo.” He took a few steps further down the hall and opened an office door, inviting me in with a gesture.
“Any chance of getting one of those drinks you two were offering people?” I asked as I walked up to Discord and stepped in the room.
“No, no, no,” he said entering the room and closing the door behind him. “You don’t want one of those drinks. Have a seat and I’ll have Derpy get us something in a can.”
I sat down in a large brown upholstered armchair which was a surprising thing for an office setting. Actually the whole office was kind of surprising. The walls were covered in a rich, dark brown wood panelling and had several certificates on the wall. Dad had always called these the “I love Me” wall because they were usually there to do nothing but show off how supposedly awesome the person behind the desk was.
The room itself had no windows and the light came from a medium intensity light with a green shade overhead which lit the desk and chairs that dominated the room. All three chairs and the desk were made of dark wood and leather, which complemented the dark brown theme that seemed be the guiding plan of the tree hater who had designed the room.
“Those drinks had something in them, didn’t they?” I asked, and I watched Mr. Discord’s reaction as I did.
“Oh my yes, you are a smart one,” Discord said, looking pleased at my deduction. “We don’t want to hurt anyone, so if a candidate fails the corridor test, we give them a drink that well...changes their memories a bit.”
“Changes?” I asked, a little worried. “How?”
“You saw what happened to the girl who went before you. Her mind couldn’t handle her body changing to that of a pony and the last thing we want to do is hurt anyone,” Discord said, and he actually sounded a little sad. “So, the potion blanks their memory of the test itself and suggests that something embarrassing happened to them during the evaluation. It’s easier on them to think they did something embarrassing. rather than knowing what actually happened.”
“Which reminds me. If you and Hooves aren’t human, then what are you?” I asked, leaning back in my chair and I mentally resolved not to drink anything while I was here.
“Ah, the Big Questions,” Discord said, capitalizing the words as he did so. “Let’s dive into the deep end, shall we? First off, I’m a draconequus and Ms. Hooves is actually a pegasus pony. We are both from the magical land of Equestria, which is in another dimension. I’m assembling recruits from across the multiverse for a very special delivery service and I would like you to join us.”
“You’re aliens,” I said, shaking my head. “Actual, honest to God aliens, and you need my help delivering stuff. That makes no sense. I mean why would you need my help? Why not more pe...um, ponies, from your home dimension?” At the question, Discord actually blushed and looked embarrassed.
“Um...I...uh, that is,” he mumbled, trying to avoid answering me, when he was saved by Ms. Hooves walking in with a tray holding three cans of cola and an equal number of tasty looking muffins.
“I thought we all might like a snack as well,” she said, setting the tray on the table. Apparently, I really need to work on my poker face more, because Hooves saw my hesitation at the colas, frowned a bit and said, “Told you about the drinks, didn’t he?”
“Yah, and I get why you didn’t want anyone remembering being turned into a po—”
“They weren’t turned into ponies,” Ms. Hooves interrupted. “It was an illusion, a simulation in their head. They only thought they were turned into ponies.”
“You did that to me too?” I asked, raising an eyebrow and grabbing a can of cola. Screw it, it was cola, I was thirsty and they were aliens, if they wanted to drug me they could find ways to do it.
“You too,” Hooves confirmed. “If you had run out of here, all anyone would have seen was a young man running on all fours. Once someone got the backpack off of you it would have stopped and by then we would have been long gone.”
I popped the top of the can, took a swig and I paused for a moment as I considered her words. My head didn’t start spinning, so I guess even aliens can’t mess with the delicious malted battery acid that is cola.
“So, the backpack was the source of the illusion,” I said, setting my cola down and Hooves nodded at me. “You did say that it was a simulation, so I guess in a way it was. Which brings me back to the question I asked when you came in Ms. Hooves—”
“Derpy, please,” she interrupted.
“Derpy,” I repeated and pressed on because there had to be a reason I kept getting steered away from the answer. “I keep getting pushed away from the answer to this: Why do you need my help and why can’t you use more pe...po...folks like you?”
“Discord!” Derpy exclaimed, looking at him angrily. “You promised the Princess and Fluttershy you would be honest with anything anypony asked.” Discord actually cringed a bit at the name “Fluttershy,” and I made a mental note to find out who that was as soon as I could.
“Fine,” he said, recovering somewhat, and he shot an annoyed look at Derpy before turning to me. “To answer your question, it’s because I have friends now.” He folded his arms over his chest and looked at me as if that explained everything. It did not.
“Look, Mr. Discord,” I said, leaning forward. “You’re going to have to explain that in a little more detail. Otherwise, you can just have Derpy here feed me some of that mind changing stuff and you’re out a potential employee.”
“Okay, okay,” Discord said, throwing up his hands. “You want full disclosure? FINE! Here’s the entire taco. I’m the Spirit of Chaos, and recently, for the first time ever, I made friends.” I started to interject, but he glared at me so intensely I swear his eyes had flames in them and I closed my mouth.
“Having friends means getting friendship letters and tea party invites and packages and well...mail,” Discord said huffily, and then he looked shamefaced again. “My home is in a chaotic pocket dimension and it wasn’t exactly good for the Equestrian Mail couriers who tried to deliver there...”
“Eight out of nine quit the day after delivering to your place,” Derpy said, glaring a bit and taking an angry bite from one of the muffins she had brought.
“Um yes, so I promised that I would find a way to replace those couriers, and in doing so found out it takes a certain kind of mind to be able to handle my home,” Discord said. “A flexible mind, one that can handle things being twisted around, with a personality that just takes things as they happen and keeps going. It’s why I was so happy to hear your little puns on the phone. A mind that can twist words should be able to handle a twisted reality.”
“Okay, that sort of follows,” I said, nodding and scooped up what smelled like an apple cinnamon muffin. “But other than you remaking the ‘Pony Express’ why do you need to make me into a pony?”
“Pony Express?” Discord asked, looking at me blankly.
“Well ya, I mean, isn’t that what you...” I broke off. “Never mind that for right now. Why make me, or at least make me think I’m getting changed into a pony.”
“Ponies have certain advantages in toughness, mobility and some other interesting abilities,” Discord said. “And yes, if you did sign on with me and Derpy, you would be changed into a pony. Think of it as a work uniform that you can put on and take off as you need to. The change would only be for as long as it was needed or wanted. Now, tell me about this ‘Pony Express’ thing, it sounds interesting.”
We spent a few minutes chatting about the Pony Express and it’s history, as I pulled up a few bits from the internet on my obsolete smart phone. Both Derpy and Discord seemed really enthusiastic about the whole ‘Pony Express’ idea and Derpy was fascinated by my phone, leaning over my shoulder several times to look at its cracked screen. Which created another question I had to ask.
“So, if you two didn’t really know about the Pony Express before now,” I said, as I finished off the incredibly good muffin I had grabbed earlier, “what’s with all the stuff about horses and such in the waiting room?”
“Oh, that was the idea of an egghead friend of mine,” Discord said, as he scooped up the last muffin for himself. “She thought if we put a bunch of pony things around the waiting room we could get you folks thinking at least in the direction of ponies.”
“Oh, okay,” I said. I was a little crestfallen. My super deduction about the whole thing being a new Pony Express was right it seemed, but for all the wrong reasons. I sat back and thought for a few moments. Did I really want to be changed into a pony and travel across dimensions as some sort of mail carrier?
“Okay, I’m in,” I declared, and both Derpy and Discord beamed at me. “But I have two last questions. What does the job pay, and do I have to keep it a secret?” Discord gave me a shrewd look.
“Well, originally I wasn’t going to pay anything but the privilege of working with me,” Discord said as Derpy rolled her eyes at him. “But I was told that wasn’t fair. So, I’m thinking of a pound of gold a week would be good, plus we will cover your room and board while you’re on the job.” I did some quick mental math on the price of gold and tried not to hyperventilate.
“And the other thing?” I asked. I really need to work on my poker face because Discord smirked at me. He knew the pay rate had me jumping for joy inside. But then he threw me a curveball by asking me something completely different.
“Why is it important to you, whether or not your job is a secret?” Discord asked me. “You don’t have to hide it, but it will probably make your life back here easier if you do.” It was my turn to hum and haw, I really didn’t want them to know why I was willing to leap into this.
“Oh come now,” Discord said, smiling slightly. “I told you something supremely embarrassing about myself and there has to be some reason, beyond money, that you’re willing to do this. I mean, let yourself be turned into a pony? Cross the dimensions like nobody on your world has before as a sort of super courier? Tell Uncle Discord all about it.” He put his head on his hands and smiled at me as I tried to order my thoughts.
Discord obviously wanted an answer, and I was still trying to figure out what I was going to say, when I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I looked and saw Derpy’s hand there, now fully back to human. I looked into her face and our eyes locked for a few moments as comfort, assurance and an unspoken offer of friendship flowed into me from her misaligned eyes. Not to mention she was an attractive woman, and I felt my cheeks heating a bit as I smiled back at her. The warmth coming from her melted the last of my reticence and taking a deep breath I turned back to face Discord again.
“I’m the fourth of five children,” I said. “My older brothers are all successful at what they do. They’re making good money, and they’re respected in their fields.”
“You want respect,” Discord said, quirking an eyebrow.
“No,” I scoffed. “My parents love and respect me. What I want is to make my mark, to be known for my accomplishments. I don’t want to be known as ‘John’s little brother’ or ‘That Allens boy, you know, the one that makes pizzas.’ I want to be known for something, to do things that people look up to...and the money doesn’t hurt either.”
“Now that is an answer from the heart,” Discord said, nodding at me. “One that I can respect, so I’ll let you know a couple of things. First, as a pony, you will likely wind up getting your own cutie mark, which is an emblem that will appear somewhere on you as a mark of your true calling, your destiny.”
“Do you have one?” I asked Derpy. She smiled, took a step back from me and sliding down her skirt, bared her left hip to me. It was a very nice hip, and I furiously told parts of myself not to react to the expanse of smooth skin she revealed. On the hip facing me however, was what looked like a tattoo of a series of small grey bubbles, that seemed like they wanted to fly forever.
“They mean that I was meant to float on the air,” she said, pulling her skirt back up, which allowed my brain to start tracking again.
“So, I’ll get one of those?” I asked, looking back to Discord to finish rebooting my mind.
“Maybe,” he said. “Whatever magic governs cutie marks might decide you aren’t really a pony. Or you could get one the first time you truly change over.” I nodded in understanding.
“What’s the other thing?’ I asked.
“That for every story you’ve ever read, every piece of fiction you’ve ever known,” Discord said, smirking, “there is a dimension or world where it’s real and actual.”
“Wait, so there are dimensions where there actually is—” I broke off, as my mind spun with the possibilities.
“Yes,” Discord said, chuckling at my reaction.
“Damn, okay, well there’s no way I can say ‘neigh’ now,” I said, deliberately putting a little whinny into the word, and I heard Derpy try and fail to suppress a giggle, as I grinned back at Discord. “What happens next?”
“Well,” he said, “first you spend a couple of days getting your stuff taken care of here, then we get you over to Equestria to start your rotation. You get three weeks on, one week off and your first rotation will be basic orientation and hopefully, some on the job training.”
“Any chance of getting an advance on my first pay?” I asked, hopefully. “It would be really helpful to have my rent and everything else paid in advance, if I’m going to be gone for awhile.”
“An advance? No, I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Discord said, and my heart sank a bit. I would just have to hope my landlady would be forgiving and give me a few days extra to pay my rent. As all that was running through my mind though, Discord looked at me, ran his hands through his beard a couple of times and pulled open a drawer in his desk.
“I can’t give you an advance,” he continued. “But I can pay you for that wonderful idea of yours. I was going to call our operation the ‘Equestrian Cross-Dimensional Postal Service’ but I think ‘The Pony Express’ is much catchier.” With that he tossed what looked like a Crown Royal bag onto the desk in front of me and a satisfying “clink” of coins came from it. I opened the bag and I saw it was half filled with gold coins. There had to be at least two or three grand worth of them in that sack.
“Wow, thanks,” I said, gratefully. “This should cover things nicely.” I looked up to see Discord extending his hand.
“So, let’s make it formal,” he said. “Do you accept the offer of a job with me and Derpy?”
“I got the job! I got the job! I got the job!” I kept thinking, as I walked out of the building and headed away from the train station. The early afternoon sun glinted off the windows of the old buildings up ahead and I checked my watch. Discord had asked me to be ready to leave in eight hours, plenty of time to deal with things. The day’s heat began to build, so I opened up a button on my shirt to help vent some of the warmth and I realized something very scary.
I was in the proverbial “bad part of town,” while carrying a literal sack of gold on me. The damn thing may as well have had “SWAG” emblazoned on its side and I found myself studying the people walking on the sidewalk around me and wondering if any of them were about to jump me. Realizing the situation I was in, I rapidly considered my good options. The bus stop was less than two blocks away, but it involved about a twenty minute wait for the next bus home. About four blocks away though was a pawn shop that I frequented and a block past that was a branch of my bank.
That settled it, because there was no way I was going to stand at a bus stop in this section of town with a sign that said, “Please rob me.” After all of the really, really weird stuff I had gone through to earn that gold, there was no way I was going to do anything that might put it at risk. So, I turned toward the pawn shop and every step of the way I was looking around for threats.
Rundown storefronts flowed past me as I strode along through one of the poorest areas of town, if not the state. I didn’t run along the cracked pavement because that would have attracted attention, which was the last thing I wanted right now. I didn’t walk either, because if I did every panhandler I went past would try to corner me for a handout, and I’d feel like an ass for having to say, “No.” Especially as I had a ton of, if not money, then potential money on me. But what was I going to do, give someone a solid gold coin? As awesome as that would feel to make someone’s day like that, I just couldn’t afford to do it.
I’d been in the city long enough to know that once you gave one panhandler something, the rest would be all over you like flies on horse crap. If I actually forked over one of the gold coins I’d be swarmed under like a lame sheep near a wolf pack. Not to mention that whatever poor bastard I gave the coin to would likely get robbed as well. No, thank you. So, I kept up the striding pace, my eyes sweeping around for threats and never making eye contact with anyone. After ten nervous minutes, I arrived at the metal and glass front door marking the entrance to East Side Pawn.
East Side Pawn strode the transition area of downtown from old and run down, to shiny new chrome. As I was learning, one of the most important things about a business is location, location, location, and the pawn shop had that in spades. It was close enough to the poor areas of town to get a steady supply of people selling and pawning things, and close enough to the better off sections of town for a steady supply of folks coming in to buy stuff.
I’d always hated coming into the place because even though it was unusually clean for the area, the shop just seemed to give off an air of desperation and fear. Despite that, I’d managed to form a good relationship with Matt, the balding Canadian ex-pat who ran the place. At least he said he was Canadian. I had my doubts because he didn’t have a Canadian accent.
“Hey Matt,” I said, as the closing door behind me tinkled its small bell.
“Jimmy,” he said, looking up from the transaction he was having with a young man who thought spikes were the ultimate fashion accessory. “Be with you in a minute.” I nodded and killed a few minutes by looking around. There was the usual array of items. Used tools from workers who couldn’t or wouldn’t work in their fields anymore, stacks of game and video discs in every imaginable format, musical instruments and of course, gleaming racks of high end items locked in secure display cabinets.
“So, what can I do for you today, Jimmy?” Matt asked, as the other customer headed out of the small store. I hesitated for a moment, killing a flicker of annoyance at how Matt always called me “Jimmy.” Not “James” or even “Jim,” but “Jimmy.” I suppressed a sigh and leaned a bit on the glass counter.
“You, um, still buy gold, right?” I asked, trying to keep my voice down without sounding like I was being conspiratorial.
“Of course, I do,” he said proudly, at full volume, as he gestured toward the sign behind the counter saying “We Buy Gold.”
“Okay, ya,” I said, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice. “Um, I’ve...inherited some, and I’d like to sell it.”
“Well, sure thing,” he said happily, then pointing me over to a side area where I could see a scale and some tools. “Let’s just go over here and get that taken care of. I give the highest price in town and you’ve always been a good customer so I’ll give you the best deal I can. So, what do you have, a necklace, gold watch, maybe some rings?”
“Coins,” I said, finally able to pull the velvet sack out of my backpack and put it on the counter with a satisfyingly clanking thud. Matt’s thin eyebrows rose halfway to his receding hairline.
“That’s a pretty odd way to pack gold coins around,” he said, pulling the bag over to himself. He took out a dark purple, velvet pad and placed it on the countertop before gently opening the bag and pouring the wealth of golden coins onto it. He paused to look at the fifty or so coins laying before him.
“I don’t recognize any of these,” he said, flipping a couple over to look at their front and back sides. “Where did you say you got them from?”
“My uncle’s estate,” I said, lying through my teeth and praying Matt didn’t notice. “He played around with goldsmithing and made these as a kind of joke.”
“Fair enough,” Matt said, beginning to lay out the coins in a flat order. “But I’ve gotta be straight with you, I can only give you the metal value for these. You still wanna sell them?”
“Ya, that’s no problem,” I said, wanting the transaction to be over, so I could get to actually spending some of my loot. “How much do you think they are worth?”
“I’ll have to assay each one individually,” he said, and pulling out a tool I had seen him use once or twice before, began to do just that. The device checked how well current flowed through the metal, and gave him a purity based on that. It was quick and reasonably accurate, so I was surprised when he stopped and frowned at the fourth coin.
“Something wrong?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. I felt my blood pressure rise as Matt put on one of those magnifying lens visor things, and began to carefully examine the edge of the coin he held.
“Just give me a second here,” Matt said, grabbing what looked like a dental pick. “This uncle of yours, was he a bit of a prankster?”
“I don’t know about that,” I said, thinking about what I knew about Mr. Discord, “but he was an odd individual and definitely one of a kind.”
“I would say so,” Matt said, as he peeled away the outer surface of the coin he held to reveal a dark, chocolate center.
“What the hell?” I asked, bending close to look for myself. “Is that actually chocolate?” Matt snapped a small piece off, smelled it, popped it into his mouth and smiled..
“It sure is,” he said, laughing as he swallowed the piece. “That uncle of yours must have been quite the kidder, and as a fake it’s pretty good. Even the weight is pretty close to what it should be.”
“But...but...chocolate,” I said, babbling slightly, and then I shook myself. “Is it at least good chocolate?”
“It’s your chocolate,” Matt said, pushing the half eaten piece back to me. “Go ahead and try some, while I see how many of these are actually gold.” He began to start picking up coins and holding the tester to them to pick out the gold coins from the chocolate ones. I picked up the open one and gave it a sniff. It certainly smelled like good chocolate, felt like it too. I took a nibble and it was all I could do not to scarf down the rest like a pig.
“Good stuff?” Matt asked, sorting through the coins, he seemed to have two stacks going of about equal size which bode well for my imminent solvency.
“You had some,” I said, taking another small nibble and trying not to moan in pleasure. “This stuff is incredible, can’t you tell?”
“Nah,” he said, “I was a pack a day smoker when I was with the Canadian Rangers, burnt out my taste buds. Can’t taste anything unless it’s drenched in hot sauce or salt.” I’d never heard of the Canadian Rangers. The New York Rangers, sure, but not the Canadian Rangers. Matt finished checking the coins and put one stack on a scale.
“So, how much are we at looking at here?” I asked him, trying not to rub my hands together like Scrooge McDuck.
“Well,” he said, pushing the stack of coins not on the scale toward me. “These are all yours, but I’ll buy the rest of these. They’re all right around 99.5% pure gold, which is pretty good.”
“So, how much?” I asked again, and Matt gave me an odd look, but he punched the numbers into a calculator anyway.
“Six thousand, four hundred and seventy-two dollars,” Matt said, looking up at me. “Now did you want that in cash or—”
“Yes, please,” I said, interrupting him. “I’ll take it now, thank you.”
“Are you sure?” Matt asked, that odd expression on his face again. “I can—”
“No, no,” I said, cutting him off again, anxious to be on my way. “Cash will be fine.” I had the distinct feeling I was being watched and the sensation had my feet twitching to be away to my bank as soon as possible.
“Okay, okay,” Matt said, shaking his head a bit as he took the gold coins away and opened up his cash register. Gathering up a wad of cash he counted out an impressive stack to me. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have—”
“Awesome, thanks,” I said, interrupting him as I scooped up the cash and shoved it into my pocket. “Thanks, gotta go, bye.” I still could not shake the feeling of there being a target on my back, and it was making me apprehensive, anxious and rude. Maybe it had something to do with having more cash on me than at any other time in my life, but either way I was out the door and turning for my bank before you could say, “Paycheck,” only to be brought up short by what I saw, up at the end of the block.
There had been a car accident while I been busy with Matt and the intersection was crowded with lookie lou’s and emergency vehicles. I had been so caught up in my own little world I hadn’t notice what was going on outside. That was a bad trait to have if I was going to be a courier, and I made a mental note that I needed to be more aware of my surroundings.
“”What happened?” I asked a guy beside me. I recognized him as the spike loving fellow from earlier.
“Fuck off,” he said to me casually, then he looked at me again, appraisingly. “Hey, weren’t you that asshole in the shop earlier?”
“Nope,” I said, turning on my heel and striding away. I headed back along the way I’d come for a good twenty or thirty seconds, passing the pawn shop again and heading toward the bus stop that had brought me into town. I paused for a moment at the store front of a broken down cigarette shop and shot a glance back over my shoulder. Shit. Spike McGee was about fifty feet back and he’d acquired a couple of buddies. I needed to put some distance between me and them, fast.
I turned again and sprinted for the end of the block, people looking up in my wake as I threw caution to the winds. I charged along until I got to the corner of the block and did a rapid right turn around the building there. Huffing a bit, I swung into another right after about thirty or so feet along and headed up the back alley behind the buildings I'd just passed going in the other direction.
The alley was nearly covered in bits of garbage and crap, with mostly full dumpsters popping out at intervals along its path. If I could make it to the far end of the alley I’d be back into the “good” area of town and I could rely on the crowds, if not the cops, to keep Spike and his buddies away from me. I could tell I wasn’t going to make it though. I’d already run quite a bit and was breathing pretty hard, plus there was no way I was going to make it to the far end of the alley before Spike and company spotted me.
So, I ducked into a small loading area for a business and hid. I would have tried the door into the building, but it was the kind that only opened from the inside. Hell, there wasn’t even any hardware on my side, just a flat door. So, I got behind a dumpster in the loading area and hid, and while my breathing slowed I realized I had made some critical errors.
First, I should have just kept going toward the accident. Even busy, the emergency services people would have helped me out. Second, I could also have just walked right back into the pawn shop and asked to use the phone. Sure, Matt would have probably charged me for it, but I could afford it. Thinking about Matt brought up my biggest mistake. The grand whopper that got me into this in the first place, was that Matt had probably been trying to offer me a loadable debit card with the money on it, and I had cut him off every time. It would have been far safer to carry that instead of cash. Now I was going to have to hope, and pray that my mistakes weren’t about to cost me everything I’d earned.
“C’mon out, asshole,” Spike said from somewhere nearby, but I didn’t move, he might have been bluffing after all. “Get out from behind the dumpster, you dweeb.” So much for the power of prayer.
“Who the hell says ‘dweeb’ anymore,” I said, stepping out from behind the dumpster. “And how did you know I was there?” Spike McGee had two buddies with him. One was a tall lean fellow with oily black hair that matched his worn out black leather biker outfit, and the other was a paunchy idiot with dirty blond hair. All three of them had bad teeth that I was getting to see because they were all grinning like sharks.
“We looked in the mirror, asshole,” Spike said, pointing up to a concave mirror mounted up on the corner of the loading area. It had been set there so that delivery drivers could see out into the alley, and it obviously allowed people to see into the loading area.
“In return for that information, we want all the money that Dusty here,” he indicated the dirty blond to his left, “saw you getting from old Matt in his shop.” I looked around for a weapon, any weapon, because it was a sure bet that no one was going to come if I yelled for help.
“Ya, sorry guys,” I said, trying to draw things out in case I caught a lucky break, because i was seeing nothing useful as a weapon. “But I kinda need that money.”
“You want the money, or you want your life?” Spike asked, beginning to step forward. “Don’t matter which to me.” I started backing up as they kept moving toward me and just as I was about to make a last-ditch attack, my prayers were answered by a grey and yellow blur.
Pegasus pony Derpy landed on the ground between me and the Spike gang. At least I was assuming it was Derpy, as the pony’s fur and mane were the exact colours of the half pony-half human I had seen Derpy as earlier, so it seemed a pretty good guess. She shot me a warm smile as she landed, her mismatched eyes sparkling with happiness at seeing me, and then took a turning half-step to face my attackers.
In the moment she turned, Derpy’s entire demeanor went from cute and cuddly to that of an aroused guardian. Her head and forequarters were held low to the ground, her wings dramatically flared up and high, and from my viewpoint I could just see her lip curl with contempt toward the three would-be muggers.
“Get out of here, now,” Derpy ordered them. “This human is under my protection.” The toughs might have had the advantages of height, weight, and numbers, but the tone of Derpy’s voice said that it was the toughs who should be afraid, not her. Unfortunately, for all concerned, Spike, Dusty and Leathers were all idiots, not even questioning what Derpy was, as Dusty made to grab her as if she was a sack of groceries.
I heard somewhere once that the strike from a goose wing can break an arm bone. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but Derpy’s wings were significantly larger and stronger than that of a goose as Dusty learned as Derpy’s left wing snapped down, around and back up, catching him on the point of the chin and he staggered back from the blow.
“What the fuck!” he said, holding his hand to his chin. “Fucking little horse, gonna kick your ass.” Dusty lumbered forward again, this time fully angered and Derpy was smart enough not to try the same trick twice. She cut his legs out from under him with a sweeping kick that would have found a home in any good kung fu movie and Dusty fell back heavily to the pavement of the alleyway with a woosh of expelled breath.
“Please leave,” Derpy said, eyes levelled at the other two. I could see that Derpy was afraid, but I could also see that her fear was controlled and mastered by determination. Combat was a place Derpy had been before and it held no surprises for her. She was a winged angel, defending me in my hour of need, and at that moment the most glorious creature I had ever seen. To further improve things I finally found a weapon, a length of old two by four and I snatched it up into a position like a baseball player readying a bat.
“I’ll give you one last chance, dweeb,” Spike said, as Leathers hoisted Dusty to his feet. “Hand over the money and I won’t turn your little pet here into a plate of Kentucky Fried Horse.” Derpy’s eyes narrowed at the insult, and I said nothing as I gripped the board a little tighter and held it a little higher. A long moment gripped the alleyway, the two of us staring back at the three of them and I swear a tumbleweed rolled between us as the frozen tableau played out.
Tableau however, are made of people not things, and cannot remain frozen forever and the three toughs rushed us. Derpy rose up about a foot into the air and rolled vertically in a somersault just as Dusty reached her, her front hooves impacting and breaking the momentum of his charge, giving her time to complete the flip and she knocked him back across the alleyway as her rear hooves finished the job.
Spike tackled me, at the same time I connected the two by four with Leathers’ shoulder knocking him aside. Spike however, lifted me up and drove me back into the loading dock behind me and my back lit up like a pinball machine with pain. Stunned, I began to collapse against the dock and Spike let go of me as he tried to dig into my pocket for the money. The idiot should have made sure I was out of the fight.
Despite being stunned and a little out of breath from the impact with the dock, I was able to bring a choked up blow down on Spike’s head. There wasn’t a lot of power in the strike, so it didn’t do much, but it was enough to weaken his already poor hold on me and I spun away from him to stand beside Derpy. I put out a hand blindly and touched Derpy on her flank, to make sure I didn’t back into her.
“You two are gonna fucking regret that shit,” Spike said, as he and Leathers both pulled out knives. Leathers had something that looked like it had come out of a ditch somewhere, but it still had a good eight inches of what looked like sharp, wide steel. Spike was a traditionalist though and flicked open an honest-to-God switchblade.
“Looks like playtime,” Derpy said, her voice full of confidence. “What do you think, James?’
“I think we’re good,” I said, trying to project the same kind of confidence I heard in Derpy’s voice. I must have done a good job of it too, because Spike and Leathers seemed to reassess things for a few seconds, as if realizing what they had actually gotten themselves into. Then the moment passed as their faces went from hesitant to smiling, and a split second later I went down in a heap as a recovered Dusty landed on me from behind, crushing me to the ground under his bulk.
The two in front of us saw their opportunity, and charged forward to double team Derpy, coming at her spread apart to force her to divide her attention between them as I struggled with Dusty on the ground. Derpy’s mismatched eyes took in her attackers and I could see the corner of her mouth pull up in a slight grin as she took the fight to the duo. Charging Leathers first, Derpy struck the side of one of his knees with crushing force, causing it to cave in and spilling the man to one side. But as he fell, he let go of his knife and reached out, grabbing the pegasus by one of her wings and pulling her close into a grapple.
I was a little busy at that point as Dusty was trying to rain blows down onto my head from his position on top of me. Luckily for me, Derpy had pretty thoroughly rung his bells and he was almost incapable of hitting my head, never mind with any kind of force. He must have only just been able to stagger back on top of me, because after a couple of quick elbow strikes I was able to roll the fat idiot off of me.
As I rolled to the superior position I saw two things almost at the same instant. First, one of my blind elbow shots must have caught Dusty in the head, because his eyes were rolling back indicating that nobody was home in Dustyland anymore. The second thing I saw made my heart stop. Derpy was trying to fight her way clear of Leather’s grip as I saw Spike coming at her from her blind side.
I tried to call out a warning to her but it was already too late, as Spike slashed his blade in a wide arc at the unguarded flank of my airborne rescuer. I don’t know how he didn’t slice her open, but at the very last instant she twisted away just enough. Instead of laying open her side in what would have been a fatal wound, the knife instead merely scored its way along her side and hip, leaving a likely painful but shallow wound.
It was at that moment that Derpy stopped having fun with her opponents and got mean. She continued the movement her flinch had started, head-butting Leathers on the point of his chin and I heard his teeth snap together as she connected. Leathers’ body went slack as he was knocked out cold, releasing the pony to face her last target.
Spike recovered from his slash and drove his blade forward, intending to spit Derpy on the blade as easily as I would skewer a hot dog on a fork. Derpy saw the knife coming straight for her throat and did a flurry of moves that told me that I should never, ever piss off a pegasus. As his knife speared in, she whirled a wing around in a block, driving the blade off of its lethal line. A second wing blow knocked his arm upwards, stopping the forward momentum of the thrust, and then she pivoted her entire body over the wing, driving her weight directly down onto Spike's wrist and I could hear the crackling sound as the delicate bones of his wrist shattered.
At this point Spike was effectively disarmed and out of the fight, but that wasn’t good enough now. As Spike’s knife flew up from his broken wrist, Derpy plucked it out of the air with the innate skill of an avian and drove it down with every ounce of force she could muster straight down onto the top of his foot. The knife easily pierced the old shoe he was wearing and drove down through skin, muscle, sinew and sole to impale Spike’s foot to the pavement. He began to shriek in agony right up until Derpy shoved a hoof in his mouth.
“The next time a pony tells you somepony is under their protection,” Derpy said to Spike, her face and voice completely calm, “you’re going to respect that. Right?” Spike frantically nodded his head in agreement, whimpering in pain.” “Good,” Derpy continued, jerking out the knife in one swift motion. “Now get out of here and don’t bother anypony again.” Spike just nodded some more and began limp away, leaving his fellows to their own devices as Derpy and I walked away from the scene of the short, violent brawl.
“Holy crap, Derpy,” I said, as we moved up the alley. “That was incredible. Where the hell did you come from?”
“Discord asked me to keep an eye on you,” Derpy said, smiling warmly again now that the fight was over. “He said that seeing as we went to all this trouble to find you, we better make sure nothing happens to you.”
“I’d say Discord was pretty smart to do that,” I said, and pulled Derpy into a hug. “Thank you, I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t shown up.”
“Aww,” Derpy said, into my shoulder. “Just glad I could be here.”
“Are you gonna be okay?” I asked, my fingers tracing the long cut she had received. It was still bleeding a bit, but was clotting well.
“Should be,” she said. “I’ll meet you at your place and you can bandage me up, if you like.”
“Sure thing,” I said, then had a thought. “Hey, how do you know where I live?” Derpy giggled a bit at that. It was adorable.
“Silly,” she laughed, breaking the hug to hover beside me. “It was on your job application. I’ll see you there.” She rose up into the sky, climbing high and I mentally added asking her how she went unnoticed in the air over a big city to my list of things to do.
I opened the door to my apartment, fumbling with my keys as I did. The heat of the paper bag I was carrying threatened to turn my fingers into barely cooked sausages. Getting takeout had seemed like a good idea at the time, particularly with a loaded bank account. Sometime in the next few hours, my boss was going to be showing up to take me off to my first shift and I didn’t want to deal with cooking or the mess.
“Dammit,” slipped out of my lips as I dropped the bag. Moving quickly, I stuck out my foot and intercepted the bag before it hit the floor. The bag hit the top of my foot, and robbed of its momentum, toppled gently to one side to land on the floor. Not gently enough though, as the only container of my beloved sweet and sour pork fell out, the lid popping off as it spilled its contents across my cheap tile floor.
“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about burning my hands anymore,” I said to no one in particular, tossing my keys at the kitchen counter and looking at the ruin of my meat dish with a sigh. Scooping up the bag, I put the surviving food onto my kitchen counter and busied myself cleaning up the spreading red mess of sweet and sour sauce. Dumping the remains into the trash, I pulled out the two remaining intact containers, and was just opening them up when I heard a hollow knocking sound.
I looked at my now closed front door, but the knocking didn’t come from that direction. The knocking came again and I swiveled my head around, tracing the sound, and as the knock repeated a third time, my eyes tracked to the sliding glass door leading to my tiny third floor balcony. Standing there with a smile on her face was Derpy, in her grey pegasus form, a hoof still raised where she had gently been rapping against the glass.
“Holy crap,” I said, sliding open the door. “C’mon in, Derpy. How long have you been out there for?”
“Just a few minutes,” Derpy said, with a little giggle. “Remember, I’ve been flying high cover for you all day.” I stepped aside as she trotted in, my vantage point letting me see the seam of the long cut she had taken on my behalf earlier that day.
“You,” I said, pointing at Derpy and freezing her in her tracks. “You’re hurt. On the couch, now.” Derpy looked a little hurt at my raised voice.
“No giving me sad looks,” I said, recognizing the puppy dog look for the ploy it was. “You got that cut defending me. The least I can do is make sure you’re patched up before Discord gets here.” Derpy stopped giving looks that threatened my blood sugar and switched to something more low-cal as she went over to the couch and perched herself on a cushion.
“Okay,” she said, “it’s not bad though, sure it’s still bleeding a bit but...”
“No arguing,” I said, rummaging through my kitchen cabinet for my first-aid kit. “My folks taught me that you always help your friends whenever you can, so let me help. You like noodles or cooked vegetables?”
“Well, they aren’t muffins,” Derpy said, flashing that adorable smile again. “But if you’re offering, I am kinda hungry.”
“Ha!” I shouted in triumph, as I found my medical kit and pulled it out, placing it on the kitchen counter. While my co-worker watched, I split my surviving food into two bowls and brought them with the medical kit over to the couch. Derpy lay down across the couch to eat and I realized that without an end table of any kind, things were going to be kind of awkward. I’d have to lay everything on the floor while I worked on her or run the risk of knocking something over as I did. Derpy saw my indecision and came to my rescue again.
“Why don’t you sit on the couch and I’ll just lay across your...lap,” she said, clearly not completely familiar with human anatomy, but she figured out why I started to hesitate when she saw my cheeks heating. “Hey, it’s okay. No need to be embarrassed, I mean it’s not like we’re the same species or anything.”
“Okay...fine, but don’t get upset if something should...ah...come up,” I said, sitting on the couch as a giggling Derpy made some room for me. I put her bowl of food on my left, and my bowl and the medkit on my right, then patted my lap “Alright, lie down and try not to squish anything important, okay.”
I have to hand it to the pony, she could move delicately when she wanted to and she stepped over me with a gentle grace. I caught the faint scent of vanilla as her mane passed my nose and she stood over and across my lap. She then lowered herself, stretching out her length as her barrel became a warm weight in my lap.
“You okay?” Derpy asked me, her head swiveling back to look at me with concern.
“Ya, I’m good,” I said, and I leaned forward over her spine to look at the cut she had taken from the muggers in the alley.
Her wound was both better and worse than I thought it would be. The slash stretched along nearly the entire length of her barrel, from just before her front shoulder it drew an angry line along her flesh, almost all the way to her hip and I could tell we had been very, very, lucky. The cut traced over what were likely several vital areas and had it been deeper Derpy could have bled out in that alleyway. As it was, I could tell the cut had been re-opening whenever Derpy had moved, likely whenever she flew.
“Say, I’ve got a question for you,” I said, breaking open the medical kit and retrieving some antiseptic wipes, while Derpy set her food between her front hooves.
“Mmm?” Derpy asked, with her muzzle half-buried in the savory goodness of vegetables and noodles.
“This may sting a bit by the way,” I said to her, as I ripped open the pack of wipes. “You were flying all over town today. You aren’t human and you obviously aren’t a drone or a plane. How come nobody saw you and freaked out?” I started cleaning out the cut along its length being careful to make sure I got the disinfectant into the cut itself. As I expected, Derpy suddenly raised her head from her food bowl, hissing in pain. She turned her head to look at me, reproach plain on her face.
“Hey, I warned you,” I said, not stopping my work even though I could feel her muscles bunching and quivering on my thighs. Derpy swallowed her mouthful of food and I could tell she was controlling an impulse to either run away or give me a good wack.
“You humans don’t look up much,” Derpy said, scrunching up her face as she closed her eyes and lowered her head to the cushion, food forgotten. “And even if you do, by the time one of you realize I’m not a bird I’m usually out of sight.” I finished cleaning the long wound and took the chance to rub her ears and lightly stroke her back in an attempt to make her feel a little better. My efforts met with success as she hummed with pleasure and I could feel her muscles begin to relax.
“Sorry about that,” I apologized to her. “I had to make sure the whole thing was clean.” I kept up with the ear rubbing with my left hand even as my right fished some gauze out from the kit.
“It’s okay,” Derpy said, her voice a little dreamy sounding and I felt her relaxing even more. “It just surprised me with how hard you had to rub in there.” Her breathing began to fall into a steady rhythm.
“Hey,” I said, stopping my ear rubs, “don’t fall asleep on me now.” I laid a long strip of gauze along the wound, measuring it against the length it had to cover as Derpy lifted her head back up.
“Hmm?” she asked, then shook her head. “Wow, you’re good at that. Are you all done?” She bent her head back into her bowl of food taking small bites.
“Not quite,” I said, and Derpy’s head shot up, eyes widening.
“Easy,” I said, running a hand down the back of her neck. “I just need to find a way to keep this gauze from flopping around. It won’t hurt at all, but is it okay if I just wrap a bandage around you?”
“Should be,” Derpy said, lifting her body a bit, as she bent her head back down to concentrate on her food.
“You got lucky,” I said, rolling a big stretchy bandage around her. “A little deeper and things could have been pretty bad. Derpy gave a little “whoof” of air each time I snugged the wrap after I passed it underneath her, but otherwise she did her best to ignore me while inhaling her food. I guess flying is pretty energy intensive, because she managed to polish off the last of her food about the same time I finished wrapping the bandage around her.
“That feels pretty good,” Derpy said, flexing her wings slightly. It seemed she knew better than to actually extend them while she was in my lap, otherwise I would have gotten a face full of feathers. “I can still move my wings too, thanks.”
“No worries, but you should take it easy for a bit,” I said to her. “A cut that big really should be stitched up, which is more than I can do. Seeing as I can’t exactly take my pegasus coworker into the hospital, you’ll just have to take it easy for a few hours and give that cut a chance to start closing on its own.” I put the last of the medical supplies back into my kit and grabbed my now cold food. Cold chinese takeout is still good chinese takeout though, and I started slurping down noodles and veggies with as much vigor as Derpy had.
Derpy just nudged her now empty bowl to the end of the couch, and proceeded to snuggle a little more against me, closing her eyes. A few minutes later I finished my own bowl of food and laid it as far as I could reach to the other side. Derpy barely stirred at my movements, her eyes closed, her breathing deep and regular. The food and the late afternoon sun combined to relax me, the sleeping pegasus a pleasantly warm weight in my lap and against my body, as I felt my own eyelids growing heavy.
My last conscious thoughts were of how comfortable the couch was when you had someone to share it with.
“Well, this is something I certainly didn’t expect to see,” a voice said, waking me as the light turned on. I blinked, rubbing sleep out of my eyes to see the form of my boss, Mr. Discord, standing in my apartment. The light of the setting sun backlit him, shadowing his features slightly. Derpy was snoring lightly, still sprawled across my lap, still soundly asleep.
“Um, it isn’t what it looks like,” I said in protest, nudging Derpy between her wing roots in an attempt to wake her. She moaned a bit and kicked a rear leg out, hoof twitching.
“Oh really,” Discord said, a grin lighting his face.
“She fell asleep, and I didn’t want to wake her,” I said, rubbing my hand back and forth in the same spot. Derpy didn’t wake, but instead gave a throaty moan that had my eyebrows climbing up to my scalp.
“You know,” Discord said, snickering, “the area between a pegasi’s wing roots is a highly erogenous area.” I swear my eyes must have been the size of teacups, they bulged out so hard, and I lifted my hands up and away from Derpy’s body.
“Um, how do I wake her up then?” I asked, barely daring to move. The last thing I needed was to accused of impropriety on my first day.
“Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ll wake her for you,” Discord said. He stepped forward and then frowned, kneeling and gently reaching out to touch the bandage I’d wrapped around Derpy. “What’s this?”
“We ran into some trouble earlier today,” I said, as Derpy rolled a bit in her sleep, presenting her belly toward Discord and grinding her back against me. “She got cut pretty good, but it should be okay.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Discord said, and I could hear the displeased growl in his voice. He snapped his fingers and the bandage fell away from Derpy, seemingly of its own accord. The gauze still lay against Derpy’s body and was stained in places where it had absorbed bits of blood, but wasn’t soaked through and overall was in good shape.
“How did you do that?’ I asked, marvelling as I noticed Discord had changed to his mismatched body pieces form.
“Magic,” Discord said, and with a wave of his paw the gauze was lifted away to reveal the cut. Now that there had been a couple of hours of time for it to heal, the wound looked to have scabbed over completely, and Discord nodded in satisfaction. “You did a nice job on her. I think we’ll just let it heal on it’s own from here.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling. “So, what’s a good way to wake up a pegasus?”
“Same way you would with a human,” Discord said, putting a paw on her front shoulder and shaking. “Time to get up, Derpy. We need to be heading for home.” Derpy blinked and stretched, her body movements making for some...interesting sensations in my lap, which I fought down.
“Oh, hi Discord,” Derpy said, cheerfully and completely at ease where she was. I, on the other hand, was quickly becoming a nervous wreck. Before, I’d been too worried about Derpy’s wound or food to take notice of what she was laying across.
“Good evening, Derpy,” Discord said. “Why don’t you get off the lad and let’s get things going here.”
“Okay, boss,” she said, standing up carefully and jumping off the couch. She didn’t seem to notice my sigh of relief, but Discord shot me a knowing smirk. He sat down on the couch beside me and pulled up a small table that hadn’t existed before.
“How did you do that?” I asked, then realized I was sounding like a broken record, I held up a hand as I answered my own question. “Wait, magic right?” Discord smiled at me like a teacher looking down on a favored pupil.
“Right, and you’re taking it all in stride,” he said, and I could tell he was very pleased with himself. “That ability to just accept things and go with them is part of the reason you passed your test. Also, I usually don’t use this much magic in a realm outside of Equestria, but I won’t be here much longer.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding to him. “What’s next?”
“Next, I have to give you one last chance to back out,” Discord said. “I won’t lie, we need somepony like you. But we aren’t going to kidnap you and haul you off to Equestria against your will either. So, are you still in?” I pursed my lips, leaned back and thought for a minute, looking around my apartment as I did. All around me was second hand everything, the items of someone who was just another cog in the wheel. Just another drone marking out their time from birth to the grave. Screw that, I was going to do things, things that would be remembered.
“I’m in,” I said. “So go ahead, zap me with the mojo.”
“Oh ho ho,” Discord laughed, with a smile. “It doesn’t work quite like that. Do you remember what Derpy was wearing the first time you saw her?”
“Ya,” I said, with a bit of a frown, “she was wearing a choker or something.”
“A collar, to be exact,” Discord said, drawing a rolled strip of leather out from a pocket or something. “This one, is yours.” I picked it up and looked at it. It was exactly what Discord said it was, a collar. A black leather strap with a buckle on one end, holes on the other, its smooth length only broken by a black and white yin-yang medallion of two winged unicorns chasing each other, nose to tail.
“Seriously?” I asked Discord. “You seriously expect me to wear a collar, like some kind of animal?”
“Well, you are some kind of animal, aren’t you?” Discord said, “Besides, a collar is practical, goes on easily and your neck is one of the parts that will change the least in size.”
“Which reminds me,” I said, shooting at a look at Derpy. “What about...you know.” I gestured toward my lap.
“Not to worry,” Discord said with a laugh. “You’ll be a fully functional stallion in Equestria. Unless you would rather be a mare that is. I can arrange that.”
“No, no,” I said, quickly. “Being a stallion is fine.” I quickly unrolled the collar and lifted it to my neck.
“Whoa, hold on there,” Discord said, holding up a paw. “What about your clothes?”
“My clothes?” I asked, not having a clue what he was going on about.
“Why yes, your clothes, your garments, your outer covers, your layers, your—” Discord said, rambling.
“Yes, my clothes,” I said, interrupting. “What about them?”
“Aren’t you going to take them off?” Discord asked, gesturing up and down my body. “Most of them will be ruined if you don’t, and those that aren’t will just slow you down.”
“Um,” I said, embarrassed, and then I looked around realizing I was sharing the room with a pegasus and a...whatever Discord was. Like Derpy said, we weren’t even the same species. So, I nodded, got up and began to shuck my clothes, including my boxers.
“Right, here we go,” I said, and I buckled the collar so that it was skin tight against my neck. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. “Um...is anything supposed to hap—”, I said, just as the biggest muscle cramp I had felt in my entire life struck, doubling me over.
“James!” I could hear Derpy cry out, concern and worry colouring her voice. “Discord, do something, it isn’t supposed to hurt him.”
“James,” Discord said quietly, touching my shoulder. “Breathe, relax. You have to accept the magic, let it flow through you and let a little chaos into your life. It hurts because you’re fighting it.” I grunted explosively as I curled over my belly, trying to nod my understanding. “Derpy, come here.” Over the sound of the grunts that were now my breathing. I could hear the clop of her hooves.
“Stand by his face, flapping your wings every few seconds in a steady rhythm,” Discord told her. She did, and every three or four seconds I could feel a cool wash of air blow past me.
“S-Sorry,” I gasped out, trying to relax. I could feel the power in the collar coiling in my body from neck to nethers. A warm, crunching feeling that was trying to pull every part of me into it. The cool air going over my body every few seconds was helping but it wasn’t enough.
“Feel the wind, from your friend,” Discord said, rhythmically. “Derpy is your friend, you trust her and you know she is here to help you. Just breathe with her.” My breath started to match the rhythm of the wing beats and I slowly felt myself beginning to unclench. “Yes, that’s it. Keep going, James.” Discord was right, the more I let myself flow with the air washing over me, the more my muscles unclenched and the less it hurt. I still couldn’t unbend myself, but the pain was rapidly fading away and that warm feeling in my gut began to spread through my body, relaxing and easing my muscles.
“Thanks,” I said, breathing easier but still laying on my side, as a new tingling sensation began to run down my spine, all the way down to my tailbone.
“My fault,” Discord admitted, face sad. “You’re the first non-Equestrian I’ve done this with. I’ll get it better in the next version, I promise, but in the meantime just keep relaxing.” I nodded and lay still, the tingling sensation down my back growing and spreading. I felt it spread over my front and looking down I saw what was causing the sensation.
I was growing fur all over my body. As I lay there and watched, a slow but steady tide of rich brown fur began to cover my skin. I held my arm in front of my face, watching the fur advance and I rubbed my arms together, savoring the new sensations as my brain tried to process a whole new series of nerve impulses. The fur felt surprisingly soft and sleek, like a cat’s and I grinned up at Derpy who had stopped her flapping, smiling right back at me. Feeling better I began to rotate to get up, but Discord stopped me.
“Some ways to go, you have, young pony,” Discord said, chuckling and pleased that I was over the crisis. “Just lay there and let things happen.”
“Okay,” I said, and I realized my voice was changing as well. It was softer, with a higher pitch. Still my voice, but different, and as I put my hands up to my head I felt that the fur had covered my entire face. My face and head were changing now, becoming longer and my hands touched my ears. Even my ears were changing, getting longer and moving up my head.
“Shouldn’t this hurt?” I asked, and as I did I could feel my shoulders and hips begin to change. The bones shifting and rotating from their normal position on my spine, as they turned me from a biped to a quadruped.
“Yes, it should,” Discord said, and I could tell he was watching the changes in my body with care, “and it did. Right up until you relaxed and trusted enough to let the magic in. As long as you let it happen, it won’t hurt.”
“Sounds good,” I said in answer, doing my best to keep my breathing steady. I noted that my fingers were fusing together now, my wrists changing in shape and function. I shot a glance down my belly, noting that my neck was getting longer and letting me look further down my torso. My pride and joy was fully covered in fur now and was being enveloped in what seemed like a second skin. At least I still had that. What was going on with my legs, or I guess I should say, my rear legs, was indescribable. The joints twisting and flipping.
I am a young man, and a reasonably manly one. When I drink beer, the word “Light” is nowhere to be seen, I eat my steaks rare, and when a three year old hands me a toy phone I answer it. In spite of that, in spite of being around somepony I trusted, I will admit to being a little scared as my body flipped and changed. I took the coward’s route and closed my eyes, unable to watch anymore. A second later, soft gossamer flowed over my head and long neck.
“It’s okay,” I heard Derpy say. “Nothing bad is happening, and we’re here with you.” I nodded, unable to speak. Which is when Derpy, Derpy the pony I trusted, who had probably saved my life, performed a shocking act of betrayal. With my eyes tightly shut I couldn’t see her reach a wing up, and start rubbing my ears. One minute I was trying not to whimper, and the next it was like someone had dumped a bucket of warm honey over my head.
“Glrbl,” I said sagely, as the incredible sensation flowed over me. It was like coming inside from a freezing cold day and getting wrapped in your favorite blanket, while sipping on a mug of hot cocoa full of marshmallows and snuggling a pair of puppies. All at the same time. All my cares, all my fears, everything, faded into insignificance from the wonderful feelings a simple ear rub was giving me. When Derpy finally stopped, my body felt at peace, the changes complete.
“Is that what if felt like when I rubbed your ears?” I asked a smiling Derpy, feeling my tail...my tail, flick back and forth of its own volition.
“Uh huh,” Derpy said, giggling and stepping back from me. As she did, I rolled to a sitting position, or rather I tried to roll to a sitting position. Instead of doing a motion I’d done at least a thousand times in my life, my body instead spasmed, with limbs going in every direction and I had absolutely no control over myself.
“What the hell?” I asked, looking up as I realized that it was an effort even to keep my head steady on the floor. Derpy’s face went from happy to sympathetic fast.
“You’ve just had every bone, muscle and nerve in your body rewritten,” Discord said, chuckling a bit. “Don’t be surprised if it takes your mind awhile to learn how to do everything again.” I was about to answer that with a retort when a loud pounding came from my front door instead.
“MISTER ALLENS,” a loud voice said, coming through the door. “This is the police, we need to talk to you about an incident earlier today.” My eyes went wide and I had sudden visions of Area 51, black helicopters and FBI agents who wanted to believe.
“We’ve got to get out of here,” I whispered, urgently. “There is no way they aren’t going to take us in, just because of what we are.”
“Is that so?” Discord asked, cracking his knuckles, a belligerent tone in his voice.
“They’re just doing their job,” I said. “You’ll make things worse if you do stuff to them.”
“MISTER ALLENS,” the voice repeated, along with the pounding on my door. “We know you are at home. We also need to talk to you about some coins you sold earlier today as well.”
“Can either of you get us out of here?” I asked, imagining men in black suits, with single letter names, closing in. “Like, now?”
“Okay, okay,” Discord said, and I felt myself being lifted onto Derpy’s back. “Just try to go limp Jimmy, and let Derpy handle everything.”
“I hate being called Jimmy,” I said, taking Discord’s advice and letting myself go boneless. I could feel Derpy’s wings holding me in place on her back.
“I know,” Discord said, with a smirk. One of his hands, the one that looked like an eagle’s claw became wreathed in blue fire, and using it, drew the outline of a door in the air. As I watched, he snapped his fingers and the outline filled in with the details of a blue panelled door with frosted windows, emblazoned with the Saint John ambulance cross and carrying a small white sign opposite. I knew that door, and if I could have, I would have face-palmed, or face-hoofed as was appropriate.
“MISTER ALLENS, IF YOU DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW, WE’RE COMING IN!” the cop on the other side yelled.
“Time to go,” I said to Discord from my spot on Derpy’s back.
“Indeed it is,” Discord said, opening the blue door and holding it wide for us. A mischievous smile lit his face and as Derpy and I passed through the door we could hear Discord behind us, yelling as he followed us through the door, “Gobble Gobble Ackbar!”
With me on her back, Derpy plunged through the fake TARDIS door and into...somewhere else. We flew forward into the Space between Spaces, the Gap in Reality, the Dimension of the Mind, What Lies Between, or any one of the hundred different attempts to name what was between here and there.
All I knew for sure was that I was being carried through a swirling kaleidoscopic mass of colour, shape and sound that confronted me every second with the billion contradictory truths of existence. So, I did what any brave and rational being would do when they had all of this shoved in their face for the first time. I threw up.
I tried to lift my head and at least project my spew outward into the interdimensional what-the-fuckery, but I hadn’t been in my new body for very long so it was all I could do to make sure my mouth was open properly. Derpy, my poor brave friend, who was carrying me to her home, grimaced as she felt barely digested chinese food coat one of her haunches before dribbling overboard, or was that over-pegasus?
“Sorry,” I groaned out, closing my eyes against the sensory onslaught, only to find it did no good. “Is it always like this?”
“You get used to it,” Derpy said, flying along without using her wings, which were curled protectively over me. “The first time is always the worst though. You should have seen me during my first crossing. I swear, there was a trail a blind yak could follow from one passage to the next.”
“God,” I urped, fighting my brand new digestive system to retain what little it had left. “Please don’t say ‘Yak’, please.” Derpy tried to avoid laughing at me, I could tell, but she couldn’t prevent a few suspicious giggles from sneaking past her muzzle.
Right about then, Discord floated up beside us. The bastard was perfectly at home floating through the chaos of WTF space, in fact, he was doing a leisurely backstroke as he drew close. All I can say is that it was a damned good thing my transformation into a little pony hadn’t given me laser eyes, because otherwise Discord would have been a barbecued boss, with extra crispy bits.
“How you doing Ji...James?” Discord asked, taking a bit of mercy on me as he saw how I was feeling. “That’s quite the shade of green you have going there. Especially for a brown furred pony.”
“Not so good, boss,” I said, burping again as a nearby black hole tried to explain auto mechanics to a quantum banana.
“It’s hardest the first time,” Discord assured me, repeating Derpy’s advice before waving a paw and cleaning her side. “How well can you control your neck?”
“Just a bit,” I said. It hurt my pride a bit to admit my inability to control so basic a thing, but it’s always best to be honest with one’s boss.
“Okay, I’ve got something for you to try,” Discord said, and he took a moment to wrap something wide and soft around me to secure me to Derpy’s back. Derpy looked back and nodded her thanks to Discord as she uncurled her wings from me.
“Pushing my gut against Derpy’s back is helping a bit,” I said gratefully, as a foul smelling burp emerged from my muzzle to try to make a liar out of me.
“James, hold it in if you can, please,” Derpy begged me, concern for her coat in her voice. “We still have a ways to go before we make it to Equestria.”
“Okay, James,” Discord said, his voice intent. “I want you to look at the back of Derpy’s neck.” I raised an eyebrow in disbelief, which was a good sign, and I raised and lowered it a few more times just to make sure I could. Another muscle group doing what I wanted them to, at this rate I’d be able to walk to the store sometime around Christmas. Which made me wonder for a second if ponies even had a Christmas.
“Why do you want me to stare at Derpy’s neck?” I questioned. Then to divert myself a bit more, I added, “I mean, it’s a nice neck and I could watch it for hours, but why?” Derpy coloured, distracting me from the swirling mass around us, as I had hoped.
“Her neck is moving around relative to you and you don’t really have to move your head to see it,” Discord explained. “Oh, and just so you know, the office has a very liberal policy about employees dating one another.”
“DISCORD!” Derpy yelped, completely embarrassed now as she picked up a little speed to pull away from the jigsawed creature, and I realized that something about the past conversations had hurt her and she didn’t consider them as the light distracting banter either I, or Discord had intended.
“Hey, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” I told Derpy, meaning it fully. “I was trying to distract myself, and flirting with an attractive mare seemed to be a good way to do it.”
“You don’t have to try to make me feel good, James,” Derpy said, and this time I could hear the sadness in her voice. “I know how ugly my eyes make me.”
A sudden anger rose in me, as I imagined the possible events in her life that could have triggered her comment. People had been mean to my friend. Derpy was a wonderful person, brave and caring, she had risked her life to protect mine and I was filled with the resolve to find those responsible for causing my friend pain, and give them a heaping portion of payback.
“Derpy, we haven’t known each other long, so you can take what I say as a fairly unbiased opinion,” I began, as Derpy kept her eyes on our route. I could tell she was listening to me by how her ears both swiveled back to lock onto my voice like twin radar dishes. “You are a fine, lovely mare. I’m just starting out as a pony, but even I can tell you have a physical beauty that is small only when compared to your inner beauty. Not only are you attractive but you have a good heart to go with it.”
“You mean that?” Derpy said in question, a mix of surprise and hope in her voice.
“Yes, I really do,” I said, and I swear her smile lit up WTF space for miles around us. “But I have a more important question for you.”
“What’s that?” she asked, her smile dimming a few levels while she dodged what looked like a clock assembling itself inside out. I shuddered a bit and concentrated on the blond mane in front of me.
“What do I look like, as a pony?” I inquired, and I could see her ears, which had been flattening, perk right back up again. I made a mental note to keep a careful watch on pony ears as they were obviously great indicators of what a pony’s mood was.
“Well...” Derpy said, her voice trailing off and I was seized with a sudden fear that maybe I looked absolutely awful as a pony. “I’m going off of memory here because I have to keep an eye on where we are going, but...” I felt my own ears trying to focus on what Derpy was about to say. “I would say that you look...um...good?” she finished.
“How good?” I asked, not because I’m ever self-conscious or anything. It was just that end note in her voice had me a bit worried.
“Well,” Derpy began, again. “You have a strong neck, a good head and face, along with classic earth pony legs ending with nice black hooves. You might need to get those shod, by the way. Your barrel is nice. Not too wide, or too thin. Ribs seem to be in the right spots and number and your ah...um....” She trailed off.
“My what? My tail, my nose, what?” I demanded, eager to know if I had any aesthetic flaws built into me.
“Your...package,” she said, and I saw her blush again.
“My what?” I said, trying not to squeak out the word, as I divined what she referred to, and the ancient fear of all males assailed the tower of my self-confidence with battering rams.
“Your stallionhood,” Derpy said, using an obvious euphemism. “I only saw it for a few seconds, but to me it looked a little on the...” My heart seized. “Big side of things.” My breath came out in a whoosh. That was a problem I could live with. Then, Derpy went into a broad, sweeping turn and I felt myself sliding a bit with her motion. I tried to clamp down with my legs to hold on better but my brain fired all the wrong nerves and all I did was flail around on her back, making the slide even worse.
“Um,” I said, in a squeak that had nothing at all to do with fear as I began to slide off of Derpy’s back. “A little help?” By the time she had turned to look at me I was already lying against Derpy’s side. The only thing that was keeping me attached to the pegasus was whatever Discord had wrapped around us to help keep me in place.
“Oh no!” Derpy cried out and she aborted her turn, rolling to her side and trying to lever me back to a proper spot on her with her wings. I don’t know much about trans-dimensional travel, but I knew this couldn’t be good. Between my misfiring muscles, Derpy’s struggling and our mutual aerobatics, I somehow wound up on Derpy’s underside hanging from the broad band of material like it was a cargo sling.
“Need any help, you two?” Discord inquired, oozing up alongside us. “Because you’re both way off course now and it’s going to take forever to double back to the Gate for Equestria. Unless...”
“Unless what?” Derpy said, a little annoyance in her voice as she began what I assumed was a very gentle turn back toward our exit.
“Well, I do have more of those sheets. So I could just tie James in place where he is right now,” Discord said, smiling with a pranksters grin. “Whaddya say there, Jimmy? Derpy could really put on some speed if you were all safe and secure.” I considered his words for a moment or two. Subtle, Discord was not, and I was sure he was up to something. Then again, it was a safe bet he didn’t intend any harm. Embarrassment sure, but everything Discord had said or done so far had either been to help me or prepare me for my job.
“Go ahead Boss,” I said, looking him in the eye to subtly remind him of his responsibilities. “If it helps out Derpy, I can take it.” There was a blurring of motion, and I felt soft pressure against my back and then against my belly. When it was all done I realized I had been spun around and wrapped tight against Derpy belly to belly, like I was a baby in a sling against their mother.
“Discord!” Derpy said in complaint. “What the heck did you do?” Derpy wiggled a bit as she glared and tried to settle my mass against her.
“What?’ Discord asked, all innocence. “James is safe and secure now, and you can put on all the speed you like. We can be back in Equestria in five minutes.”
“Don’t worry about it, Derpy,” I said, putting as much reassurance in the words as I could. “It is a little embarrassing, but let’s be honest, when it comes to moving I’m about as capable as a newborn right now.”
“If you’re sure, James,” Derpy said, smiling down at me. I smiled back up at her and went limp, letting the bands hold me in place, keeping my treacherous muscles from working me free. Seeing my smile and hearing my words, Derpy began to use her wings for flying instead of trying to hold on to me and went into a tight turn, pumping her wings as she did so.
We began to put on real speed in the turn and it was obvious Derpy had been holding back before in an attempt to keep me safe. With my safety no longer at stake, she was free to act like the creature of air and sky that she was, and for a minute I simply enjoyed the feel of wind rushing past us. Derpy leveled out from her turn, inertia slid our bellies across each other and I began to feel a familiar tingling heaviness come from my lower regions as they were rubbed.
I closed my eyes and tucked my head against my chest, trying to mentally block out the sensations of soft fur rubbing across me, and I realized that my position had also put my nose into the soft fluff at Derpy’s chest. The vanilla smell of her exertions was growing in my nose and I began to panic a tiny bit as I realized that while my conscious nervous system might still be pretty screwed up, my autonomic and semi-autonomic systems were working just fine.
“Doing okay there, Jimmy?” Discord inquired again, flying up beside me. The git had a smug expression on his face and I knew in that split second that this is what he’d had in mind when he fixed Derpy and me together like this.
“Doing just fine,” I said, in a voice that could have sucked moisture out of the Sahara. Payback might ride a slow horse Discord, but it was going to come for you as soon as I could arrange something suitable in an extra large cream pie. ”How long until we get where we’re going?”
“About another minute or so,” Discord said, snapping his fingers and suddenly wearing a pair of trousers with the words “Robbie’s Rocketpants” emblazoned on them in international distress orange. “I’ve got to zip on ahead and open the Gate. See you in a minute.” Mini jet engines popped out of the sides of the pant legs and ignited, rocketing Discord forward.
As he left I realized that I had completely forgotten about my imminent embarrassment with Derpy and considering he had set the whole thing up, it was probably why he had started that conversation with me. I didn’t have time to dwell on what he was up to, because true to Discord’s estimate, about a minute later Derpy said, “Here we go, hang on!” Then, doing a quick barrel roll we plunged through some sort of portal and a bright light filled my vision.
“Welcome to Equestria,” I heard someone say through the glare of arrival.
“Welcome to Equestria,” I heard a voice say, as a bright flash of light overwhelmed my vision and I closed my eyes against the brightness. Unseeing, I felt the shock of landing through the belly sling I was in, as Derpy’s hooves touched solid ground and a truth of this new world came to me.
Everything about this place was too much. The light was too bright, the sounds were too loud, the smells too sharp. Even my sense of touch was hyper sensitive, the cloth of the sling being almost like a bed of nails while the softness of Derpy’s chest fur was like the caress of the finest silk. I heard a tremendous growling from an animal nearby, and realized it was me, groaning.
“ARE YOU OKAY?” someone screamed in my ear, and the only coherent response I could make was a whimper, as I tried to bury my face into Derpy’s chest.
“I THINK HE’S SUFFERING FROM SENSORY OVERLOAD, TWILIGHT,” Discord yelled at the top of his lungs. Geez, Discord, you think?
“IS DISCORD RIGHT? IS EVERYTHING TOO LOUD AND TOO BRIGHT?” some new idiot with a megaphone blared into my ear.
“Shut UP!” I yelled out, frustrated and angry with the morons around me. In hindsight, it was easy to see how shouting my frustrations was just about the worst possible thing I could have done, but at the moment all I wanted to do was to make all the crazy loud people just...go away. Even as I shouted, it was like someone jammed a steel spike into each of my ears and I almost blacked out from the pain.
“Equestria is more than your senses are used to,” a calm voice said, lowering itself down from a scream to a normal level. “I’m going to put you under for a couple of minutes until we can get some sort of filter going, okay?” I nodded, in gratitude. I had heard about “cluster headaches” before. Headaches so powerful that some people who had them tried to kill themselves, just to make the pain go away. I understood those people now, was my last thought, as a cool blackness descended over me.
After what I assumed were a few minutes later, I woke up again and things felt much better. I could only hear a dull background rumble now, and when I opened my eyes there was only a dim diffuse light shining in them. My face was reporting in that something soft was pressed against it all over, from the back of my head to the front of my...muzzle? Now that my brain wasn’t being overloaded by my senses, I could think for a minute and let myself explore my environment through my sense of touch.
A hood or wrapping of some sort had been put over my head that held soft pads over my eyes, ears and nose to block off those inputs, which was a pretty good idea, as even with the pads, my senses were still dialed up to eleven, but at least things were muted enough to be survivable now. Which is right about when I realized that someone had tied my ha...front hooves together and my rear hooves to each other as well.
“Hey, what gives with the rodeo?’ I asked out loud, or as out loud as I could. The hood kept my jaw from opening more than a little bit and I was forced to mumble the words. Again, it kinda made sense seeing as my last shout had come close to blowing out a good portion of my brain cells.
“You were thrashing around, flailing wildly, after we put you under,” I heard a muffled voice say to me. “We had to restrain you before you hurt yourself or somepony else.”
“Oh, okay,” I said, relaxing as I realized I probably had been acting a little off. “You can undo me now though, I’m fine.”
“Not just yet,” the same pony said, “I want to try a spell to acclimate your senses to the thaumatic levels that they are experiencing and I need you to hold still while I do it.” I could barely recognized the voice as female, and I tensed back up as I processed her statement and realized I was in the hands, I mean hooves, of a nerd.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” I asked, trying to squirm a bit. Nerds were awesome, but they tended to have huge blind spots in their plans for important things, like vital organs.
“Of course, the theory is completely sound. Tell him Der--DERPY!” the nerd shouted, and I winced as the volume level punched through the muffler on my head, followed by a surge of adrenaline as I heard the fear and concern in the nerd’s voice. “Sweet Celestia, your entire side is covered in blood. Doctor Stable, come quick! Derpy’s hurt!”
That tore it, sensory overload or not, screwed up nervous system or not, there was no way I was going to lie in a comfy hospital bed while my friend needed help. Maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was my desperation to help a friend in need, but miracle of miracles my new body answered the call to action my brain sounded, and I surged upwards with all the power and speed I could manage. Getting all of about four inches before the bonds on my hooves snapped taut and I fell back to the bed, only to try to get up again.
“James, stay down,” Derpy said to me, from somewhere nearby. “I’ll be fine Twilight, it just looks worse than it is. Help James.”
“He’ll be fine, you’re the one bleeding out on your hooves,” the nerd said, and I could feel her lying over my back, trying to hold me down, as that bit of news seemed to double my strength. “Nurse Redheart, thank goodness. Help Derpy, while I deal with this pony.” Between the urgency I felt to help Derpy, and the overload I was inflicting on my senses by my actions, I admit I wasn’t exactly thinking right then. A burning need to get off that bed filled my thoughts, and liquid fire poured into my limbs as one of my hooves came free. I could feel another hoof beginning to slide loose when an odd sensation struck me.
Have you ever had someone pour a bucket of ice water over your head, or splashed cold water over your face? The best way to describe the feeling that hit me is that it was like that, except instead of hitting my face, the cold water splashed directly into my brain, snapping me out of my half-crazed frenzy.
“What is wrong, my little pony?” asked a cool thought from inside my own head, pulling me a bit away from outside reality.
Oh great, I thought to myself. Vulcan ponies.
“I am afraid I do not know the term,” the voice said, hearing my thoughts, and I could hear hints of gentle amusement and authority. “But please, calm thyself. The reason for thy struggles does thee credit, but they are to the detriment of loyal Derpy.”
“Can you help her?” I begged, into the echoing chamber of my thoughts. “Please.”
“You can help her best,” the cool female voice said, “by calming yourself and letting Twilight attend you. Then your friend can concentrate on her own healing and not worry about you.” Something about the voice said she had been in my position and knew what she was talking about.
“Will Derpy be okay?” I asked, but allowing myself to relax and go limp, as I recognized the wisdom the voice was giving me. As I did I felt bands of pressure cross my body at intervals, tight enough that they felt like they were cutting into my body.
“As long as she lets Doctor Stable close her wound she will be fine,” Cool Voice said, and things went quiet and I got the feeling of being looked at before she added. “Wait, are you in pain, my little pony?”
“Some,” I admitted. “My skin is hypersensitive right now and I’m guessing that after my outburst they’re strapping me down. I can’t blame them for being careful, and I don’t think they’re actually hurting me, it just feels like it.” There was another pause and a moment later all the bands of pressure fell away while Cool Voice returned.
“I’ve spoken to Twilight,” she said, “and as long as you promise to stay in bed she will not strap you down. Will you give me your promise?”
“As long as you promise me that Derpy will be okay,” I said. I was more than willing to compromise my own dignity, as long as it meant Derpy would be fine.
“Now that you are calm and not panicking, Derpy is letting herself be attended to,” Cool Voice said, satisfaction in her voice. “She is in no danger. So, will you give me your promise to behave?”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I said. I’m not sure why I called her “Ma’am” but it felt like the right thing to do and I felt Cool Voice leave even as the nerd gently nudged me.
“James, are you okay?” the nerd asked. “Princess Luna told me that you’ve promised to lie still, so I’ve taken the restraints off. Don’t make me put them back on.” To say I was surprised at the identity of Cool Voice was an understatement. I didn’t know how the hierarchy went here in Equestria, but a princess had to be pretty high up on the list and I had gone and talked back to her.
“Ya, I’m fine,” I told the nerd, mumbling the words past the hood. “Sorry about the freak out there, I sort of lost it. Won’t happen again, I promise.”
“It’s okay, everypony has their moments,” the nerd said to me. “I’m Twilight by the way, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Pleased to meet you Twilight Sparkle,” I said to her, trying and failing to coordinate my limbs again. “How’s Derpy?”
“She’s fine,” Twilight said to me and I felt her gently arrange my limbs for me. “Doctor Stable is working on her right now next door, and he’s sewing up that slice along her side. He said it looks like it started healing but she’s been re-opening it when she flies.”
“Goddamn it, Discord,” I said, feelingly and I didn’t need to have my full vision to see Twilight’s look of curiosity. “He told me that she would be fine and that cut didn’t need treating.” To my surprise I actually heard something of a growl come from the nerdy pony.
“Discord may know a lot about how ponies feel and how their minds work,” she said, huffing out a breath that I felt as a breeze against my fur, “But he still doesn’t know a lot of how much damage pony bodies can take. Don’t worry about Derpy though. Doctor Stable should have her stitched up pretty quick, although he might insist on keeping her here for a while to make sure she doesn’t reopen it again.”
“Sounds good,” I said, relaxing even further as Twilight’s words reassured me. “So...what happens next with me?”
“Well, while we’ve been talking I’ve cast several spells to check on the problem,” Twilight said, complete confidence in her abilities in her voice. “And as the old saying goes I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. Which would you like first?” I chuckled a bit at that. New world, new body, same old problems.
“Good news first please,” I said, letting my head loll a bit onto a provided pillow.
“Alright,” Twilight said, and her voice became happy. “The good news is that your oversensitivity is actually a pretty easy fix. All I need to do is cast a spell to rebalance your inner thaumatic levels with the outside world and you should be fine almost instantly.”
“That sounds great,” I said, and I meant it. “It’s bad enough that my body isn’t really working, but not being able to see or hear normally sucks. What’s the bad news?”
“Your body is the bad news, I’m afraid,” Twilight said, and my stomach fell as my imagination treated me to all sorts of horrible possibilities. “Unlike your senses, there isn’t a quick fix for your body. Your entire nervous system has been rewired and it’s just going to have to take time for your brain to reconnect everything.”
“But what about earlier?” I asked, remembering the surge of power I had felt. “Everything seemed to be working then.” Twilight sighed, loudly.
“You thought Derpy was in danger,” Twilight said. “So you instinctively used earth pony magic to give yourself the power and speed you thought you needed, but in doing so you burnt out the fragile connections your nerves had started to make and now you have to start over from scratch.”
“Oh,” I said, trying to take it in. “Um, how screwed am I?”
“Not horribly,” Twilight said, and I began to feel a tingling sensation. “Give me a minute here, I’m going to try to fix your senses now.”
“Anything I can do to help?” I asked as the tingling began to grow and cover my entire head.
“Just...try to hold still,” Twilight said, and the feeling around my head grew stronger until it became pins and needles, pressing hard against every inch of my skull, like a needle-tipped vice was trying to squeeze the juice from my brain. The force against me grew greater and greater, until just as it became actively painful, there was a sudden snapping feeling and all the sensations just sort of fell away. I slumped in my bed and went boneless, as if a great weight had been taken off of me.
“James? James!” I heard Twilight exclaim and I felt her fiddling with the laces holding the hood onto my head. She pulled it free after a few moments and I blinked as the pads on my eyes and ears fell away and I got my first real look at this new world called “Equestria.”
The first thing I noticed was a lovely purple-pink face right in front of mine, topped with a gorgeous mane of purple streaked blue. A cute little horn pushed through her mane, drawing my eyes to her expressive violet orbs and I had to fight down the urge to fix the concern on her face with a kiss. That took me by surprise for a moment as I tried to figure out why the hell I wanted to do that so badly. With Derpy I could understand it, seeing as we were friends and we had already been through a pretty intense bonding experience, but Twilight Sparkle here was a complete stranger. So, I clubbed desire over the head with a baseball bat and told it to shut the hell up as I smiled up at the concerned pony.
“Hey, I think it worked. Thanks!” I said, as much to change my thoughts as to thank the nerd, and I began to look around at my surroundings.
“Great, you just take it easy for a bit while I get Doctor Stable, or maybe Nurse Redheart if the doctor is still busy with Derpy,” she said, backing away a bit, her frown turning to a satisfied smile as she did.
“Hey, it’s not like I’m going anywhere right now,” I said, smiling to take the bite out of the comment. Twilight smiled back and as she turned to go I noticed something on her side. My vision seemed to zoom in of its own accord and focus on a pair of furled lavender wings at the sides of the purple unicorn. As I wondered about whether that was significant or not Twilight slipped out the door, closing it behind her and leaving me by myself for the first time.
I looked around the room taking in the sights. It seemed to be a typical hospital room with spots for two beds, of which I was taking up one. Various bits of equipment were behind me, none thankfully in use and there was a single window, currently closed, showing some trees growing under a golden sun. Everything was bright and cheery, a perfect day, and it took me a minute to spot the difference between here and Earth.
Have you ever watched a really old movie? From like, even before the 1980s? Me and my dad used to watch a lot of “epic” movies together from way back then, and his favorites were all directed by Cecil Somebody and they had literally thousands of extras in them. The big thing that I always noticed was how bright the colours were in those movies, despite how old they were. I asked Dad about it once and he told me that these movies were filmed in something called “Technicolour” which made all the colours deeper and richer than they would have been in real life.
That was what Equestria was like. Everything was brighter, with deeper colour and softer edges to everything. It was quite probably someone’s idea of heaven, but to me it was going to have to be home, at least for awhile, and I stared out the window to try and see more of this strange new world. As I did, my vision did that weird zoom thing again, letting me see details on leaves that were at least a good forty to fifty feet away.
I decided to try the trick out on the items in the room and got the same effect with anything I looked at. It seemed that if I wanted to I could focus my sense of sight into being essentially a pair of binoculars. As I pondered this development my ears caught a creaking noise by the door to my room, and I decided to see if my hearing could do the same trick as my eyes. To my delight, I was able to pick up on the conversation just outside my door.
“I am the attending physician here and as such my authority is supreme,” a male voice said in a voice that expected to be obeyed like it had been hundreds of times before.
“But I have to get home,” I heard Derpy’s voice reply. “I need to see Dinky and check on my home.”
“Miss Hooves,” the doctor said again, in that no-nonsense voice. “Let me spell it out for you. You’ve lost a great deal of blood from a wound that you reopened not once, but twice, and on top of that, the cut is deep and may be infected with something from that other world. So, you have exactly two choices. One, you can stay in that bed and with luck be discharged in the next day or two, or you can fight me on this. In which case I will have the nurses fit you with restraints and keep you here for a week long mental health hold until I’m sure you are no longer a danger to yourself. Which would you prefer?”
“But I need to see my daughter,” Derpy begged, and my heart went out to her as I heard the love for her child in her voice.
“I’m not heartless, Miss Hooves,” the doctor said, relenting as he sensed that he was going to be getting his way. “Once you are settled in a room, I’m sure Princess Twilight would be more than happy to bring your daughter here, and as she is your daughter she can stay with you as long as she likes.”
My brain locked up as a word that the doctor said echoed through the empty vault of my skull. It was obvious that my noggin had to be only good for holding up my hat, because no one but a complete and utter moron would talk back to not one, but two members of royalty the way I had. At least I knew the name of this princess and that she was at least a half ways decent person or pony. While I was pondering if this meant being sentenced to the mines of Rura Penthe or a more merciful execution, the door opened and another hospital bed was wheeled in.
“Hi James,” Derpy said from the bed, looking happy to see me. She was lying on her stomach and her entire torso had been completely wrapped in gauze several times, forcing her to keep her body in a straight line. Her wings had been furled against her side and wrapped in more gauze to become part of the main dressing and as her bed was pushed up beside mine, I could see an IV line running into one of her legs delivering replacement blood for what she had lost.
“Hey Derpy,” I said back, giving her a smile I didn’t really feel. “How you doing?”
“Like a mummy,” Derpy said, her smile becoming a bit lopsided. “It looks a lot worse than it is though, so you don’t have to worry about me. We pegasi are tough. We have to be, with all the hard landings we make.”
“Sure,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “Every doctor wraps their patients up like that when they’re being careful.” Derpy gave me a shrewd look, and I gave her my best innocent look back. We held that pose for about thirty seconds before we both burst out laughing.
“Oh James,” Derpy said, wiping a tear away from an eye. “If I have to be stuck here, at least it’s with a good friend. I just wish--” A knock on the door interrupted her.
“Can I come in?” a male voice asked through the door, and I recognized it as Discord’s.
“C’mon in, Sir,” I said to my boss, trying and failing to sit up straight.
“Hi, you two,” Discord said, coming in. His face was downcast and he was holding the end of his tail in front of him. Derpy and I shot a quick look at each other as we took in our employer’s extreme embarrassment.
“Hi Discord,” Derpy chirped in her usual happy voice. If anything, Discord got even sadder from the cheerful greeting.
“This isn’t easy for me,” Discord began, twisting his tail in knots, “but I need to apologize to both of you. James, I’m sorry. I didn’t think that you would suffer like you have when you got here and I definitely didn’t think the collar’s transformation would make you so helpless.”
“Don’t sweat it, Sir,” I said to Discord, interrupting him. “Without you, I never would have known that any of this even existed, and besides, Princess Twilight has a plan to get me back on my feet, er hooves in short order.” Discord looked up at me, relief plain on his face that I was willing to forgive him so easily, but his face fell again as he saw the wrappings around Derpy’s torso.
“Derpy, I’m even more sorry for what happened to you,” Discord said, and he actually began to tear up. “You were hurt a lot more than I thought you were. Fluttershy got mad at me and said you could have been crippled, or even killed. I’m sorry!” He flung himself onto Derpy’s bed and hugged her as hard as he dared, and I looked on in astonishment as a pair of literal waterfalls emerged from his eyes to splash to the floor.
“It’s okay, Discord,” Derpy said, reassuring him. “I’ll be fine, and I should have told you that it was a pretty good hit that I took. Besides, I don’t think Fluttershy really said I could have died, did she?”
“Well, not exactly, no,” Discord said, sniffling as the waterfalls disappeared as quick as they had come, leaving the floor an inch deep in tears. “But she did say that you were hurt, and that it was my fault for making you work when you were hurt.” He hugged Derpy and once again the waterfalls appeared. I figured I better do something before the water got high enough to drown us.
“You know Discord,” I said, in a musing tone to change the mood. “There is something you could do to make it all up to us.”
“What?” Discord demanded, shifting to clutch one of my lower legs, “What?”
“Well, Derpy really misses her daughter,” I said, and Discord straightened as he began to see where I was headed. “Plus, until I get things rewired again I could really use somepony to help me do basic things. Like eat and sit up straight.”
“That’s a wonderful idea James!” Discord exclaimed and he snapped his fingers. There was a flash of light and the water on the floor disappeared to be replaced by an adorable little pink unicorn pony who appeared in the room.
“Momma!” the little pony shouted, clambering up onto the bed so that she could hug her mother. Discord and I just smiled as we basked in the glow of the reunion.
“Oh, I missed you so much,” Derpy said, joy in her voice as she hugged the little one, who squirmed happily in her mother’s grip until a misplaced hoof found the covered wound and drew a hiss of pain. “Easy there, Dinky. Momma got a bit dented.”
“You gonna be okay, Momma?” Dinky asked, worry on her face.
“Of course, dear,” Derpy said, ruffling her daughter’s mane. “Doctor Stable is just being careful, is all. Now, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine.” She pointed a hoof over at me. “Dinky, this is James. James, this is my daughter, Dinky Hooves.”
“Hi Dinky,” I said, cheerfully to the little one. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Little Dinky bounded off her mother’s bed and onto mine, hugging my upper torso. After a moment she looked at me in puzzlement as she noticed I wasn't hugging back.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, confusion on her face. “Did I do something wrong?”
“I’d love to hug you, Dinky. But I can’t right now,” I said, thoroughly confusing the little filly. “In fact, that’s why I asked for you to be brought here.”
“Oh,” Dinky said, eyes and ears perking up.
“Yah,” I said, smiling at her. “See, I haven’t been a pony for very long, and until Princess Twilight helps me learn how to use my new legs and stuff I’m going to need somepony to help me with things. Light things, like holding my food, showing me how to use a glass the right way...stuff like that. Think you can help me with all that?”
“Oh yes,” Dinky said, happily clopping her hooves together. “I can help lots with that.”
“Great,” I replied, and dear God, was Derpy’s kid cute when she was happy. “Now all we need to do is clear it with the doctors and maybe get you a name tag or something.”
“Oh, I can do better than that,” Discord said, and snapped his fingers as another flash of light appeared over Dinky. When it faded, she was wearing an adorable little filly version of a nurse’s outfit with the title “Official Helper” emblazoned on it, and all three adults in the room chuckled as Dinky jumped off my bed to spin in a circle checking herself out.
“Okay then, Official Helper,” I said, speaking in an authoritative voice, and Dinky jumped back up onto the foot of the bed, throwing me a mini-salute as she did. “I’m feeling kind of thirsty. Think you can get me something to drink and help me with it?”
“That was awesome, Mr. Allens,” Dinky happily chirped from my side. The cute little pony was holding up a glass with a straw in front of me. All I had done was successfully lean forward, grasp the straw with my lips and suck down the drink. Not exactly an earth shattering accomplishment, but with Dinky’s cheerfulness pushing me along there was no way I wasn’t going to be smiling back at her.
“Aww, thanks there, ‘Official Helper.’” I said, trying to match her billion watt cheer. “But it was a team effort, after all. Thanks for holding the glass for me.”
“No problem,” Dinky said, wiping my still clean chin with a napkin. The first day of trying to drink had resulted in a fair bit of mess, today was much better. “Princess Twilight says that tomorrow you get to start working on getting your legs to move right.”
“Good, because someone I know deserves a big hug for all the help she’s been giving me,” I said, looking down at Dinky, who went from a billion watt smile to a gazillion watts of pure cute.
“Awww,” Dinky said, and she threw her hooves around my chest hugging me fiercely. “I’ll just help you with the hugging for now. Okay?”
My limbs jerked uselessly in their restraints as I automatically tried to return the hug. My legs all had plenty of strength, but controlling them was still beyond me two days after arriving in Equestria. I’d almost beaned poor little Dinky once when she held a sandwich for me. So, for the protection of everyone...everypony working with me, my legs had all been cuffed to the bed rails. They were fastened with a simple looping hook that I could tell would be easy for me to undo, once my limbs were willing to listen to orders again.
“Thanks kid,” I said, rubbing the underside of my jaw against Dinky’s mane in thanks. My head, all the way down to my neck, was at least fully back under control so I could do that much at least to show my thanks for the little filly.
“You’ve been a very good filly today and been very helpful to Mr. Allens and your Momma,” Derpy said, from the other bed. Her torso and wings were still bound in a wrapping of gauze strips holding closed the dressings over the wound she had taken from a would be mugger back home. Doctor Stable still wouldn’t let her out of the bed, nor would he let her lay on it any way other than on her stomach.
If my condition was frustrating, hers had to be at least ten times worse. Derpy was a pegasus, a lithe and lovely creature of air and sky, and her enforced bedrest had to be driving her crazy with boredom. I was bored and I was what was apparently called an “earth pony,” which was an odd term considering we weren’t on Earth. As I was contemplating respective levels of institutionally inculcated insanity, Doctor Stable came through the door, with an orange mare trailing in his wake.
She was a tough mare, I could tell right off. Most people tended to be a little nervous in hospitals; not this mare. Her blond mane under a classic cowboy hat framed a strong face that showed strength and trust in those around her. Her blond tail matched her mane and it was the crowning glory to a pair of muscular hips that would wrap, and... What the hell was I thinking?
This was the fourth time today I’d had to mentally club myself with buckets of ice. I was just super thankful a blanket was covering my torso. The orange mare in question was giving me an odd look though.
“Hi there,” I said, introducing myself. “I’m James Allens. I’d shake hands or something but...”
“Applejack!” little Dinky shouted with excitement, spinning in place on my lap and launching herself off the bed towards the newcomer. The kid got me where kids and small animals always seem to get a guy, and that part of my body exploded in pain, loudly complaining that the part of my anatomy in question was most definitely not intended as a springboard.
“Hey there, sugarcube,” Applejack said, ruffling the little unicorn’s mane and wincing a bit at my obvious pain. “Why don’t you go get your homework, Applebloom is waitin’ for ya.”
“Okay, thanks,” Dinky said, still with that happy excitement kids have. “See you later, Momma.” Dinky grabbed up her school backpack that she had left by the door, and headed out of the room.
“You okay there, partner?” Applejack asked me, a slight frown of concern on her face.
“Miss Applejack,” Doctor Stable said, asserting himself. “This is my hospital and I will be the judge of who is and who is not okay.” He stepped up to me and, sliding a hoof under the blanket, started to probe for damage.
“It’s okay, Doc,” I said, “Just a little...Nrrg...sore.” My voice changed as the doctor found Dinky’s launching pad.
“Hmm,” Stable said to himself. “No long term damage, slight tumescence indicating that the limbic system is functional.” Applejack tried not to smile at my discomfort as she moved over to Derpy, checking out her bandages as she did so.
“As for you Ms. Hooves,” Dr. Stable said, turning to his other patient. “It looks like it’s a good thing you’re here.”
“What?” Derpy asked, looking as concerned as I suddenly felt. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re running a slight fever,” the doctor said. “As I was afraid of, it’s very possible you have an infection. I’m going to change your bandage now and have a look at the wound. Miss Applejack, if you would move please.” The orange mare came around the bed to stand beside mine, and as she did a nurse came in, wheeling a tray of tools I’d seen used before to change Derpy’s bandage.
“She’ll be okay,” I whispered to Applejack, who had a very worried look on her face. “Stable’s a pretty good doc.”
“Ah just hate hospitals,” Applejack said, wincing and turning her face away as Doctor Stable began to cut along the length of the bandage. "Ah try not to show it."
“Got some discharge here,” the doctor said. “Nurse Redheart, get some topical disinfectant ready while I get the rest of these off.”
Applejack made herself watch, and I had to match her fortitude, as the two medical ponies revealed the half healed wound with swift, sure motions of their hooves, and I couldn’t help but marvel at how skillfully they were able to do their jobs. The last bandage came off and Derpy tried to move her head back to see what it looked like, but Doctor Stable expertly nudged her head back so that Derpy was laid out in a straight line. As he moved, I got a clear look at the wound and it didn’t look good at all.
The wound was puckered and red, with the occasional bead of yellowish pus. I didn’t know a whole lot about medicine, especially pony medicine, but I knew that could not be good.
“I’m sorry Derpy,” Doctor Stable said, accepting some gauze wipes with some sort of goop on them. “But this is going to be a little painful. We’ll try to be as quick as we can.” Derpy just nodded her head, closed her eyes and let the doctors work on her side, giving out the occasional hiss of pain as every inch of the infected wound was cleaned, disinfected and rebandaged.
“I guess I’m not getting out of here in the morning, am I, Doc?” Derpy asked.
“I’m afraid not, not until we get that infection knocked down anyway,” Doctor Stable said. “Sometimes I hate being right, but we’ll get you on some good medicine and hopefully you can be out of here in a few more days.”
“It’s okay, Doc,” Derpy said, then she looked over my way and smiled. “It just means I get to help out James a bit more.” I couldn’t frown when that smile came my way and I answered it with one of my own. “Applejack, I hate to ask but...” Derpy began.
“Think nothing of it,” Applejack said, without a seconds hesitation. “Dinky can stay with us for as long as you’re laid up. She’s a good little filly, pitches right in on the chores without us even having to ask her. You just work on getting better, okay?”
“Thanks, Applejack,” Derpy said, sighing as Nurse Redheart came back in with an IV bag on a pole, obviously meant for her.
“Well, I better let Dinky know,” Applejack said, looking nervously at the IV setup. “James, good to meet you. We’ll talk again soon, and by the way, welcome to Ponyville.” Applejack made herself scarce as Nurse Redheart began to probe for a vein.
“By the way, Derpy,” I said to distract my room partner from the coming jab. “I thought I was in Equestria. What’s this Ponyville Applejack was talking about?”
“Ponyville is in...” Derpy paused as Nurse Redheart slid the needle for the IV into her leg and deftly taped it in place. “You stinker! You distracted me!”
“Guilty as charged,” I said, chuckling. “But seriously, how about a little crash course in Equestrian geography?”
“Well, it's not like we’re going anywhere,” Derpy said as the nurse left on silent hooves.
After dinner, Derpy filled me in on some of the rough geography of Equestria. From the way I understood it, Equestria was roughly the shape of North America, but significantly smaller. At least it seemed that way based on the travel times Derpy told me about. She also filled me in on just who I’d signed on to work for. The nurses got us ready for sleep a little after that bombshell and I drifted off wondering if I still had ownership of my soul.
A worry that was not allayed as my dreams became filled with visions of me walking through shadowy mists, and being led toward Hell by a misshapen creature who had tied a leash to my transformation collar. Every time I tried to stop, the creature would just yank me forward saying, “You signed the contract, buddy.”
I was just beginning to see smoke come off my hooves from the heated ground, when a great dark shape swooped down out of the gloom, and sent the creature dragging me to my doom tumbling away, snapping my leash in the process.
“That shall be enough of you, foul phantasm,” a voice I recognized said a moment later, as Princess Luna landed in front of me, her glowing horn pointing in the direction she had knocked the beast. I probably should have been paying attention to what she was saying, but I was mesmerized by the glory of her nebulous tail, as it swished back and forth in agitation. I took a step closer, noting the crescent moons on her either flank that were guiding me toward the Holy of Holies like landing lights on a runway. I moved even closer and I felt my nostrils flare as a glorious scent filled them and an electric fire seemed to fill my limbs and settle into my lower abdomen. Before I even realized what I was doing I was rearing up on pure instinct, my IQ dropping to single digits as blood drained away from my brain.
“Now th--eep!” Luna squeaked, as she felt my weight settle on her hindquarters and her hips were pulled towards mine. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice was trying to make an objection to what I was doing, but it was quickly clubbed to death by long frustrated desire.
“I don’t know how this turned from a nightmare to a fantasy,” I heard myself growl, as I tried to line things up properly. “But I’m not passing you up. That would be rude to whatever god gave me this dream.”
“You don’t realize this is...” Luna began, and her horn flared a cobalt blue, wrapping me in a cocoon of energy and pulling me away just as I was about to experience nirvana.
“Hey! Hey, come back here,” I demanded, pawing my front hooves in the air. “Let me--” My voice cut off as once more my brain itself felt like it had cold water dashed against it and I came to my senses.
“First off, my little pony,” Luna said, and the humidity in her voice could have pulled water out of a salt flat. “I am not offended that you find me pleasing, or that you wished to mate with me.”
“Oh...fuck,” I said, as I came to my senses, realizing what I had been about to do. Luna’s eyebrow lifted at my curse, telling me she knew exactly what the idiom meant and it made me realize exactly how ironic the word was at that moment.
“Indeed,” she said, lowering me back to the ground and releasing me from her magic. I did the only sensible thing I could think of at that moment. I groveled. I mean, I tried to bone an actual goddess and remembering my mythology told me that the attempt usually did not end well for mortals.
“Look...Ma’am,” I gibbered out, laying myself as flat as I could in front of her. “uh...Your Highness, Your Majesty, Eminence...um...Lunar Mistress, Night Moth--” My voice was cut off as a band of cobalt power wrapped around my muzzle, clamping it shut.
“Pony...James,” Luna said, her voice kindly now. “I said I take no offense, and I do not. You are by far not the first pony to react so, when I have come upon a dreamer. I consider it something of a compliment that you were so willing to cover one so far above your station.” She let go of my mouth so that I could answer her.
“Look, Princess,” I said, my brain finally finding the correct title for the Royal Mare in front of me. “I’m really sorry about that. I thought this was a simple dream, a nightmare turned to fantasy. I mean, I knew you could visit my mind like you did before, but this is a dream.”
“I have special purview over the Dream Realm,” Luna said, drawing me to my hooves. “One of my responsibilities is to watch over the dreams of all ponies. Your nightmare drew me to you, but I’m sorry to say it took me some minutes to enter your dreams to put a stop to the nightmare.”
“A minute ago you called me ‘your’ little pony,” I said, noting that here, at least, my body worked properly. “Does this mean I belong to you now?”
“Yes, James,” Luna said, a smirk gracing her lips. “You are mine now.” I’m pretty sure my eyebrows set a land speed record climbing to the top of my head. “But you are mine only in that as a resident of Equestria, you fall under the rule of my sister and myself. Nothing more.” I let out a breath of relief, and then felt a sliver of ice congeal in my chest as I recalled what I had been thinking of as I had fallen asleep.
“What about Discord?” I asked her, a little scared at what her answer was going to be. “I mean, he is the Spirit of Chaos and I signed an actual contract with him. I don’t know about here, but back home we have a lot of stories about people who did that and it never turned out well for them.”
“Discord has been to your world before?” Luna asked, and a stormcloud marred that heavenly brow.
“Well maybe not exactly him, but we have someone in our mythology who is considered the father of chaos and evil,” I supplied.
“Curious,” Luna said, tapping her chin with a hoof. “James, if this is true, it means Discord has lied to us repeatedly in the past. May I search your memories to see if this is so?”
“Of course,” I said, in quick agreement. The more I could do to make Luna forget about me trying to hump her, the better.
“Very well,” Luna said, moving to stand directly in front of me. “This should not hurt at all.” Saying that, her horn glowed blue again, and she touched it to my forehead. It was an odd sensation, not painful, but definitely strange as her magic penetrated my head. The best way I can describe it, is that it felt like soft feathers stroking the inside of my skull. After several minutes she stepped away from me and the magic went away with her.
“Well?” I asked. “Did I actually sell my soul to the Devil?” Luna let out a delicate little snort and relief washed over me as she did.
“No, my little pony,” Luna said, smiling down at me to confirm what had to be on my face. “You are still the captain of your destiny. Discord is not the Devil of your legends, so your will and spirit are still your own.”
“Oh, thank God,” I said, and then another thought occurred to me. “Can I ask you a question about something else Ma’am? It’s sort of related to what happened earlier.”
“Oh? You wish to pursue relations with me?” Luna said, and she lifted an amused eyebrow. “A pony must possess a special quality of some sort to be worthy of being taken to my bower, but considering your origins, I suppose you would qualify.” She was kidding, of course. She had to be, but for the space of a heartbeat or two my heart did a little pitter-patter.
“Oh James,” she laughed, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “The look on your face. I jest with thee, consider it your penance for earlier. Please, ask your question.”
“Well, the thing is,” I said, rubbing my hoof behind my head. “Okay, you know how I kinda pounced on you earlier?” Luna nodded, and smiled to show that she really did understand what had happened. “The thing is, I’ve been having the urge to do that with every mare I’ve run across. Derpy, Twilight, Nurse Redheart...you”
“Each of the mares you name have their own special qualities and attractions,” Luna said, thinking. “I dare say even myself might be considered attractive to one such as yourself, who does not know my history.”
I did not like the hint of self-loathing I heard from her in that. No woman should feel like that about herself, because to quote Londo Mollari, “Of all the things in the universe, are not females the finest?”
“Princess,” I said, looking her in eye as much as I could. “Were I sure my feelings were my own, I would take you in a manly fashion.”
“And if the night should last forever?” Luna asked, and I could see her spirits had lifted a bit at my pronouncement.
“Then it would be an eternity well spent,” I replied, and my efforts were rewarded with a smile that went all the way to her tail. “The thing is, that yes, while I’m a male and find females to be attractive, I don’t usually want to instantly have sex with them. And, I definitely do not try to force myself onto them, like I did with you.”
“You think something has changed your desire to mate?” Luna asked, her eyebrows and her ears both standing straight up.
“Big time,” I responded, instantly.
“You believe Discord may be responsible for it?” Luna asked, thinking. “It would be consistent with his style of prank.”
“The thing is,” I said, letting my frustration show a bit. “Is that I just don’t know and it’s starting to drive me nuts. I don’t know what is and isn’t normal for this new body of mine. Hell, I’ve barely started to control it physically, never mind get a handle on whatever urges might come pre-packaged with it.”
“There is a way to check on this,” Luna said, her ears going back a bit. “But I will need you to trust me, to follow my commands and...” her voice trailed off.
“And what?” I half asked, half demanded of her.
“And I will need to manipulate your emotions...,” she paused, “intimately.” Gulp.
“Well, if you can’t trust the Princess of the Night, who can you trust?” I asked, trying to make light of things. “Princess, I place myself in your hooves. I’m yours to do with as you will.”
“Very well James,” Luna said, and her magic flared, settling over me like a warm blanket. “Do you like my body?” The question took me by surprise, so I took a breath and tried to take a fresh look at Luna’s form. I had to admit, despite the fact that I had been equine for less than a week, Luna’s body was magnificent. Her elegant neck, her strong legs, the firm curves of her hips, all called out to me and something of my admiration must have shown itself on my face.
“Come close James, inhale my scent,” Luna commanded me, and obediently I stepped up, and placing my nose against her shoulder I deeply inhaled the rich perfume of perfection. Her musky scent invaded my nose as a spiraling mix of wild night flowers, rich earth and the slight tang of ozone came from her. The power of desire for the Mistress of the Night filled me again, pouring liquid fire into my limbs, and once again that fire began to swirl and filter its way into my sheathed maleness.
“Speak your desire James,” Luna said, her soft voice a symphony of gentle tones. “I will not be offended by anything you say or do on my behalf. Tell me… my stallion, what is it that you want?” Her voice was the caress of a gentle breeze at night, and I fought to keep myself lucid under the assault of erotic images that were trying to steal away my reason.
“I… I… what are you doing to me?” I asked Luna, barely keeping myself from trying to mount her, again.
“Arousing you, my dear, dear stallion,” Luna purred into my ear. “Do not try to control what you are feeling. Let it flow. Listen to my voice, let go of reason and let your passions be your guide.”
“S-sure?” I gasped out, and I felt something begin to caress my underside, gently drawing me out with rippling touches.
“Of course, I am sure. Few show your bravery, and it must be rewarded,” Luna said, nibbling on my neck as her magic caressed me intimately. “How would you like me, my stallion? Would you like me saddled, to be ridden as you will? Or, would you prefer a bridle on me, with you in command as you plunge yourself deep into me, filling me completely?” Luna’s words, combined with what she was doing to my body had me on the cusp of exploding, and just as the mounting pressure within me reached the breaking point...
Everything stopped.
I stood there, frozen. Trapped in the moment of exquisite agony, unable to move, to speak, unable even to think. I had an impression of something all around me, of Luna moving in blinks of an eye, of an eternity of missed time, and all the while my mind and body kept experiencing the same endless second of the moment just before orgasm. It was both the most wonderful sensation of my life and the most horrific torture I could ever imagine, both at the same moment.
Then, as quick as it had come, it passed and I collapsed onto my side, making a mess of myself as my body finished what my mind had started. Luna lay down beside me as I shuddered and gasped with the after effects of what she had done to me, and I found myself fighting back tears as she cleaned me off and pillowed my head against her side as I slowly recovered.
“Rest, brave stallion,” Luna said, her voice gentle and full of care. “I am sorry I had to put you through such an ordeal, but it was the only way to be sure. You are young, and possessed of a great vitality. Virility in one of your years is to be expected, and I had to raise it to it’s highest possible level so as to eliminate it from my delvings of your spirit.”
“Wha--what’s the scoop then?” I managed to ask her as I slowly brought myself under control, physically and emotionally.
“First, you should know that I have alerted the hospital in Ponyville to the current condition of your body in the waking world,” Luna said, nuzzling the top of my head. “I’ve informed them it was my doing and to maintain your privacy at all costs.”
“Thanks,” I said, and I meant it. Without any decent control of my body in the real world there was no way I would be able to clean myself, and lying in a mess until morning held no appeal for me, not to mention how embarrassing it would be for Derpy to find out.
“Secondly, my stallion,” Luna said, still nuzzling me. “You were right to be suspicious, your libido has been both magnified and pushed to a hair trigger.”
“Crap,” I said, my breath easy now but making no motion to move my head. “How bad is it?”
“I would say about double that of a normal pony your age, with half the control,” Luna said, flicking her tail so it lay over my body like a star filled blanket. “Worse, the effect is definitely tied to your transformation into a pony somehow. I shall have words with Discord on your behalf, as I do not believe it was his intent to alter your emotions, even though that seems to have been an effect of his magic on you.”
I was really glad I had a pony with the… horsepower Luna had, in my corner when it came to this. However, what she had said about how my desires had been ramped up meant I couldn’t trust how I had felt around any mare, including the one pony I had come to like and trust more than any other, Derpy.
Derpy had put herself in harm’s way for me. She was in the hospital bed next to me because of what she had done for me. My feelings for her couldn’t be fake, or could they? How could I tell? A mix of confusion, anger, worry and doubt began to come over me, and my breathing sped up a bit as anxiety began to spike.
“Easy, my stallion,” Luna soothed, and my mind calmed a bit as a creeping lassitude began to spread over me. “Time enough to dwell on those things come my sister’s sun, and you require true rest now. Sleep.” Luna’s tail over my body warmed me, and I felt myself relaxing against her side even further.
“What if another nightmare comes?” I asked sleepily, and a part of me mused on the irony of falling asleep in a dream, as things grew dim around me.
“Worry not,” Luna said, as I began to drift away into a deeper sleep. “Your dreams shall be peaceful, I protect what is mine.”
The next morning was interesting as hell, I’ll tell you. The night nurses may not have said anything to me, or to Derpy, but someone said something to somepony. There was simply no way all those offers of “something extra to drink” were due to a need to quench my thirst. Derpy tried to talk to me over breakfast, but I was just too damn embarrassed to talk to her. I kept my replies to noncommittal grunts and refused to meet her gaze. What was I gonna say, “Oh, sorry that I’ve been friends with you? Turns out I got whammied by a spell to like you, and oh by the way, a princess rubbed me off last night, but you shouldn’t feel inadequate or anything.”
The capper was when the mare who got me into a wheelchair for my morning therapy visit asked me if I had anywhere to stay once I got out of hospital.
“Not really, no,” I had told her, as we rolled through the halls. “I figure Discord has something set up. Some sort of bunkhouse at the least.”
“Well, if he doesn’t let me know,” she’d replied, as we turned into the physio room. “I’d love to play host to a stallion with your... capabilities.” I just sat there in shock as she passed me over to the mare in charge of helping me get my unruly body back in control, not saying anything until the orderly had left.
“Um, hi,” I said, to the physiotherapy mare. Once again, I felt the impossible surge of lust wash over me and try to settle into my hips. Only this time thanks to Luna, I was armed with the knowledge that the desire wasn’t real and I mercilessly clubbed the emotion down before it could get too large a hold on me. It wasn’t an easy fight. The therapist was a gorgeous brown unicorn with a yellow mane, done up in a tight spiraling braid. She was lithe and lean, and I could see strong muscles beneath her coat that could pull a stallion close while...
Let’s just say that I might not have won the fight without the weapon of knowledge Luna had given me.
“Good morning,” the unicorn pony said in a cheery voice, as she bent toward me, a tangle of broad straps held in her magic. “I’m Long Strides, and we’re going to be getting some work done today.”
“Hi,” I said right back, noticing that her ears were both locked forward on me like radar dishes tracking an incoming missile. “I’m James, and I’m guessing you’re gonna help me start moving as something other than a twitchy mess of limbs.”
“You’ve never had physiotherapy before, have you?” Strides said as she lifted me up bodily in her aura like a sack of flour, floating me up onto a padded table.
“Nope,” I said back in reply, letting myself go limp so Long Strides could do whatever it was she needed to do to me. “Never needed it before, at least not in my other body.”
“I can tell,” Strides said, with a chuckle. “You can always tell when you get a patient you’re going to enjoy working with.” My emotions sort of did a little flip and the lust tried to stage a comeback, as Strides started wrapping the wide straps of the harness around my body, stimulating various nerves.
“Um,” I said, trying to not have it come out as a squeak. “What makes you say that?”
“You’re trying to keep yourself limp, to help me,” she said, her muzzle very close to mine, as she finished securing the harness around me. “It’s very nice of you, it’s kind and it tells me you’re willing to work with me, instead of against me. You need to stop doing that.” Then, to punctuate her words, she swatted me on the ass, hard enough to sting and causing me to jerk a bit in reflex.
“Hey!” I protested, in surprise more than anything else. “What the hell was that for?”
“I need you to move as often and as much as possible,” Long Strides said, humour in her voice. “I need honest, physical reactions from you. Even if they aren’t what you want them to be, and you need to use that body of yours as much as you can, as often as you can. Keeping yourself from moving defeats the entire purpose of you being here.”
“Did you need to whack me on the butt to make your point?” I asked, waving a forehoof in a wobbling arc toward my still stinging ass.
“Oh, I didn’t need to,” Strides said, chuckling as she clipped my harness to a winch of some sort. “I wanted to. First, because I thought it would drive the point home, and second because it let me check the reflexes of your lower spine.” Then the winch began to whirl, lifting me into the air as I thought about what Long Strides had just said.
“So, you’re kind of saying practice makes perfect?” I asked, as I was carried through the air toward a shallow pool at one end of the room.
“Exactly,” Long Strides said, her voice warm and pleased. “Right now for example, don’t just hang there like a lump. Try to curl your legs up against your body.” She stopped the winch with me hanging just above the water, giving me an expectant look while my hooves just barely touched the surface. I tried to do as she asked, and my forelegs did curl loosely up against my body, my rear legs though, twitched and spasmed, futilely kicking the air when they should have been neat packages.
“Oh, well done,” she praised, and I lifted an eyebrow while opening up a fresh can of snark.
“Oh yeah, just glorious,” I said, and I sounded bitter even to me. “I can’t sit properly, holding a drink needs the help of a foal, half my body won’t listen to me, and the other half barely does anything.”
“Had your moment?” Long Strides asked, wading into the shallow pool and triggering the winch to lower me so that my barrel was just touching the surface of the warm water.
“Yeah,” I said, feeling more than a little embarrassed at snarking at someone who was just trying to help. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay,” Long Strides said, and I could feel her lightly squeezing my leg muscles one at a time as she spoke. “Every patient has at least one moment like that, and most have several. As long as you’re in this room with me you’re allowed to swear, curse me out, cry on my shoulder, or anything else you feel the need for. Do you feel up to hearing my assessment of you based on your file and what I’ve seen just now?”
“Sure,” I said, still feeling a little down. “This whole gig has been a lot harder than I thought it would be, and I haven’t even really started yet, so what’s one more obstacle?”
“Are all former humans so whiney?” she said, and as I shot a glance at her I could see her smile telling me she was kidding. “Hey, I said you could vent on me, I didn’t say I wouldn’t throw some back. Here’s the bare bones of it. You’re going to be fine.”
“What?” I asked, not really believing her, but wanting to at the same time. “How the hell can you say that?”
“While your muscles aren’t responding in a coordinated manner,” she said, and her face became a mask that said “doctor,” no matter the species, “they are responding. What’s more, from what your file says, your mind is beginning to coordinate with your body. The muscles are learning to fire in the proper order and in the proper groups, it's simply a matter of practice.”
“Seriously?” I asked. I really wanted to believe her now, but this almost sounded too good to be true.
“Seriously,” she said, putting a wet hoof on my shoulder and looking me right in the eye. “Keep working with me and you’ll be standing on your own in a couple of days, walking by the end of the week and running by the week after that. You’re a fit, healthy stallion and I’m going to help you learn to move with the speed and strength of your breed. As Celestia is my witness, I'll see to it that you learn how to enjoy the power inherent in an Earth Pony body.”
I knew she was using a ploy to lift my spirits, saying what she thought I wanted to hear to pump up my morale after my earlier whining. Right then though, I didn’t really care. I’d taken some heavy hits to my self-esteem lately, and it did me more good than I thought it would, for someone to confidently tell me I was going to be alright.
“Okay then,” I said, deciding to just go with feeling good for right now. “What say we get to work then?” I could go into the whole training montage thing, but suffice it to say that I worked my furry butt off for the next two hours. Afterwards I got wheeled to a cafeteria, where little Dinky joined me. Sadly, despite the morning’s progress I still needed her help with some things, especially things that weren’t right at the table. We sat together in companionable silence, eating our meals as the hospital bustled around us.
“James, are you mad at my momma?” Dinky said, out of the blue. I looked at the adorable little filly who had been my helper, and the sadness I saw on her face could have gotten a statue to hug her.
“Um, what makes you say that?” I asked her, hoping I hadn’t insulted her mother too massively with my... emission. Those damn nurses must have said something to Derpy, or hinted at something. Derpy was a smart mare, she probably figured it—
“Momma says you won’t talk to her,” Dinky said, neatly amputating my thoughts. “You wouldn’t even look at her this morning. Why don’t you like my Momma anymore?” Dinky’s lower lip trembled and my mind started scrambling to find a way, any way, to keep her from crying.
“Dinky, it’s not like that,” I said desperately, and I could see the beginnings of tears in her eyes. “I did something really embarrassing in my sleep last night, and well, I don’t know how or if I want to talk to her about it.”
“Did you fart in your sleep?” Dinky said, cocking her head quizzically at me. “Momma said you smelled funny this morning.”
My mind’s eye flashed to Derpy’s face, particularly her nose, and I realized that the nose of a pony must be far more sensitive than that of a human. Derpy didn’t have to see what had happened. No one had to tell her about it because she had smelled it off of me. Combine that with my not talking to her while I tried to sort out my feelings and Derpy was getting so many mixed signals from me she was likely getting whiplash.
“Well,” I said, to Dinky after a long pause, “it’s partly that and partly some other stuff. But I’m not mad at your mom, not even a little bit. Okay?”
“You should talk to her,” Dinky said, in that serious voice kids get, when they slide past all the defences us adults have to nail us dead center with universal truths.
“I... will. I promise,” I said, holding up a remarkably steady hoof. “I’ll talk to her this afternoon when I get back from my afternoon physio.”
“Pinkie Promise?” Dinky asked, still in that super serious voice.
“I can’t make a pinkie promise,” I said, and you would have thought I’d kicked Derpy from the way Dinky’s face fell. “I don’t have pinkie fingers anymore.”
“Fingers?” I heard a voice behind me ask, in a tone of voice that set off every prey instinct I had. “Did you say ‘fingers’?” A mint green unicorn I hadn’t seen before came into my line of sight, and for the first time I didn’t feel a surge of lust when meeting a new mare. I felt like a rabbit in front of a fox.
“Hello, Miss uh—” I began, not trying to extend a hoof.
“Lyra,” the newcomer said, “Lyra Heartstrings, you said something about fingers?”
“Yes,” I said, not sure why this mare was setting off my alarm bells. But honesty is always the best policy, because if nothing else, it means fewer things to keep track of. “I was telling little Dinky here that I no longer have my pinkie fingers.”
“WAIT,” Lyra declared in a loud voice, rearing upwards. “You had fingers? How? When? You have to tell me!”
“If you will calm down a bit,” I said, in a level voice. “I’ll be more than happy to tell you. But if you can’t get a grip, I’ll have to ask you to leave. You’re scaring Dinky.” Lyra looked to my lap, where sure enough, little Dinky was doing her best to hide from the scary mare.
“Oh, oh, I’m sorry,” Lyra said, grimacing a bit in embarrassment. “It’s just that I’ve always wanted to actually see hands, or a human, for so long. Everypony used to tell me they were imaginary, but then we found out about the mirror in Twilight’s castle and the humans there, and—”
“Whoa girl,” I said, cutting Lyra off before she got too wound up again. “I’m just a transformed human, learning how to use a pony body.” A strange light came into Lyra’s eyes, and I got that twitchy feeling again.
“Please,” Lyra said, quietly begging me. “I’ve waited so long to hear about humans. Talk to me about humans and I’ll do anything you ask.”
“Dinky,” I said, to my little helper, “I think it’s time you headed back to your mother. Let her know that I promise to have a chat with her as soon as possible.” Dinky didn’t want to get out of my lap, but she was smart enough to know that there was adult talk going on. So, she gave me a quick hug and headed for the door. Lyra waited until Dinky had gone before she spoke again.
“I’m sorry,” Lyra apologized again, and I could see both desperation and sadness in her eyes. “But I’ve been laughed at and mocked for years for believing humans even existed, and to have one sitting right here in front of me. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d do anything for you, if you will just tell me about humans.”
“Okay, I will,” I said, and Lyra seemed to relax and began to offer me her hoof to seal our deal. “But not right now.”
“What do you mean?” Lyra asked, stopping herself as she stood beside me. “Please don’t tease me.”
“Two reasons, why not right now,” I said, as calmly as I could. “First, I have a therapy appointment to go to shortly, and secondly, I promised another mare I would have a chat with her. That said, would you be willing to make a deal with me?”
“I agree,” Lyra said, instantly. “Tell me everything, and I’ll give you...everything.”
“Rein it in a bit, girl. I don’t need your body, I need your mind,” I said, leaning forward a bit, as Lyra looked back at me quizzically. “I need someone to act as my agent here in Equestria. Somepony to buy me the things a pony needs to have, somepony to help me house hunt when the time comes. Somepony to help me with all the little things a newcomer needs.”
“And in return for this?” Lyra asked, beginning to smile, and I heard a couple of conversations fire up in the background.
“In return, you will meet me for lunch every day,” I said to her with a smile. “You will ask me a question about humans, and I will do my level best to answer it to the best of my ability. Fair enough?” Lyra’s eyes glittered again.
“Five questions,” she said, obviously recovering her pride and not wanting to sell her services cheaply.
“One question,” I shot back instantly. I’d seen that stupid pawn shop show enough times to pick up a few things.
“Three questions,” Lyra said, compromising.
“Two questions,” I said, giving a bit of ground myself.
“Done,” she said, extending her hoof. It took me a bit of doing, but I managed to bump hooves with her.
“My name is James, by the way,” I told her, noticing her curves for the first time.
“James,” Lyra said, savouring my name, as she got up. “Tomorrow then, my human stallion.” I hadn’t thought she’d noticed me noticing her, but the extra bounce in her hips and sway of her tail told me she had. Stupid libido on stupid overdrive.
Dinky never came back for the rest of lunch, but that was okay. I wasn’t all that hungry anymore anyway, and she’d left my drink glass with a straw in it so tanking up on liquid wasn’t a problem. An orderly came and got me about ten minutes later to take me back to my afternoon session with Long Strides. We had a really productive afternoon together, I even managed to stand up. Okay, let’s be honest here, by stand I mean have my hooves touching the bottom of the pool in a semi-controlled manner while I was supported by the harness and buoyed up by the water.
“For a first day, that’s some real progress,” Long Strides said. “We’ll pick up tomorrow, same time. Let’s get you rinsed off and I can take you back to your room for dinner.” Getting cleaned off reminded me of the previous night’s mis-adventures in dreamland.
“Sounds good, but hey, you’ve read my file, right?” I asked, as Long Strides winched me out of the pool.
“You’re a person from another world, transformed by Discord into a pony,” Long Strides said, confirming my suspicions. “Your nerve connections got scrambled in the change, but otherwise your muscles and nerves are all intact.”
“Okay, so anyway, last night I had a bit of an accident...” I trailed off, not really sure how to keep going, but so far Long Strides had been nothing but encouraging and professional with me, so I felt safe opening up a bit to her.
“Ya, I heard about that,” Long Strides said, noticing my embarrassment. “The princess told everypony to keep it private, and while they didn’t tell anyone outside the hospital or any of the patients, you certainly were the talk of the staff room.”
“Uh yeah, so you know I don’t really know much about being a pony, yet,” I said, trying to work around the subject. “I kinda wanted to know how... noticeable that was to others. Am I, kinda sorta, giving off some kind of signal that I want to be with a girl, I mean mare?”
“OH...” Long Strides said, in realization, “and you don’t want to...” It was her turn to trail off her sentence.
“Nope, not yet anyway,” I said. “I mean sure, maybe down the road once I’ve gotten this body of mine to listen to me, but not now.”
“Ya, you were smelling like you wanted sex when you came in here,” Long Strides said, grinning a bit. “Don’t think I didn’t appreciate the reaction, but I’m a professional. So, for both our sakes, I got you into the pool as quick as I could.”
“Thanks,” I said, meaning it. “I don’t think Luna’s going to do what she did to me again, but just in case, is there anything I can do to stop the uh, after effects?”
“I’ll swing by your room and drop off a spritzer of perfume later,” Long Strides said, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “It will be a little frou-frou, but it will cover up any future... emissions.”
“It can smell as girly as anything,” I said, as Long Strides finished rinsing and toweling me off. “Just as long as it keeps everypony from wanting to jump my bones.” Long Strides laughed and began to settle me into my wheelchair. My body felt tired and loose, but it also felt like it was mine for the first time since I had been in this body. It felt good, and it kept feeling good right up to the point where Long Strides got me back to my room. Derpy wasn’t there anymore.
“Hey, where’s Derpy?” I asked Long Strides, as she settled me back into my bed.
“I have no idea,” Long Strides said, making sure I had a couple of drinks available. “I’m done for the day, so before I get you that perfume sprayer, I’ll ask around, okay?”
I nodded my thanks and sunk into my thoughts as Long Strides left. I still wasn’t entirely sure what I felt for Derpy. Was it friendship, was it love, was it lust, was it even real, or was it something that had been pushed on me? I had to find out one way or the other which it was, because if nothing else the lunch time conversation with Dinky had proven that doing nothing wasn’t an option.
I mulled that over all through dinner and into the evening. The hospital book cart came by offering me some books, but another problem became rapidly apparent. Equestrian wasn’t English. Something in my transformation had obviously gave me the ability to understand the spoken language of ponies, but their writing was a whole different story. The best way to describe it was as a mix between Cyrillic and Viking runes. The old green mare pushing the book cart took pity on me.
“It’s all right, young feller,” she said to me. “Not every earth pony learns how to read either, and it can get mighty dull if yer laid up. Here yeh go, sonny.” She put a stack of picture books on the little end table by the bed, put an apple on top of the stack and waved goodnight to me. Long Strides came by a little after that, perfume sprayer in hand, I mean hoof.
“So, I found out about Derpy,” Long Strides said, and I perked up from the book I was looking at. A book, I might add, I was holding in my hooves, which my physical therapist smiled at. “They moved her to the outpatient ward, seeing as her infection is getting knocked down in a hurry. If all goes well, she’ll be discharged tomorrow.”
“Any chance you could get me over to see her?” I asked. “I think I might have hurt her feelings and I want to clear things up between us.”
“Damn,” Long said, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “Everypony knows Derpy and no one wants to see her hurt, but things are shutting down for the night. It’s going to have to wait until the morning.”
“Crap, thanks for letting me know at least,” I said, sniffing the perfume. It was just as girly as she had warned me it would be.
“Glad to help, I’ll see you tomorrow as well,” Long Strides said, turning to leave. “Oh, and it’s good to see you with books. That’s good exercise for working on your stability and dexterity. Keep it up.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I said, shooting off a sketchy salute. It wobbled a bit, but by all the gods, it did what I told it to do. Long Strides just grinned back and headed out the door. I read, well picture scanned, for the next hour or so. After that I was tired, in body, mind and heart, so sleep came quickly. So quickly in fact, that I never really noticed the transition from barely awake to dreaming asleep.
“There he is girls, get him!” a female voice shouted, startling me. I was on a little street, quaint houses on either side of me, the sky clear and sunny. Oh yes, and there was also a mob of mares closing in on me from the far end of the road I was on. They were all running in my direction carrying an array of ropes, bridles and saddles. A few were even waving signs that read “Equestria needs Stallions!” I did what any red-blooded, testosterone fueled male would do when confronted with something like this.
The malicious mob of maddened mares with mayhem, and maybe male massacre in mind, made me move myself mightily in maximum motion. In other words, they scared the crap out of me and I high-tailed (no pun intended) it out of there with them in hot pursuit. I ran harder and faster than I ever had before, because let me tell you, nothing beats four wheel drive when it comes to making tracks. Despite my awesomeness though, it seemed that no matter how hard or how fast I was, the mob was just a little faster, and slowly but steadily they closed in.
“Psst, over here,” called a voice, and I saw the wonderful sight of little Dinky waving me over toward an alleyway. “Down this way, quick.”
“Dinky, thank god,” I said, and pounded down the alleyway with her. “You just saved my hide.”
“Found him, Momma,” the cutest filly of all time chirped to Derpy.
“Good girl,” Derpy Hooves said, setting down what looked like some washing she was hanging on a line. “You head off and distract them. I’ll deal with James.” The little pony headed off down the alley, raising a literal dust cloud in her wake. I could hear the baying of the mob as they drew close to the entrance of the alley.
“Thanks, Derpy,” I said, leaning over the fence to hug the mare. “Now quick, hide me someplace before the Mad Mare Mob gets me.”
“I’m sorry, James,” Derpy whispered in my ear, and I could feel a noose made of clothesline tighten around my neck where she had slipped it during the hug. “Over here, girls!” I pulled back in shock, tightening the noose automatically against my throat. It would only take me seconds to slip it. Seconds I knew I didn’t have.
“Why?” I asked with as much reproach as I could muster. “Aren’t we friends?”
“Are we?” Derpy asked back. “I wanted to be friends from the moment we met, but you just pulled away without saying anything.” I had just enough time to realize how right she was, and then the mob was on me. There was a whirl of flashing light and colour, a cacophony of sound and the next thing I knew I was being carried back down the alley by the triumphant mob. All four legs bound together, a pole slung through the gap to carry me. If you have ever seen the scene in Jedi where they get carried into the Ewok village, then you know what I looked like.
However, I was pleasantly surprised to be alive and relatively unharmed, with the mob singing happy songs like “99 stallions on the wall, 99 stallions on the wall...” So, I wasn’t horrifically surprised when I saw that I was being carried toward a barn that proclaimed itself to be a “stallion milking station.” Just as we reached the entrance and I started to brace myself for a really bad ending, I heard a voice that filled me with relief.
“Away from him!” Luna’s voice thundered with the force of a thousand storms. “Away from my stallion, I say!” Mares began flying away in droves as Luna parted the sea of massed mares like a snowplow blasting through a fresh fall of powder. A few mares carried me into a corner of the barn, trying to defy their monarch.
“Princess, please... “ one of them begged. “The heat... it’s so bad. We need him. Please, Princess, there are so few males.”
“He. Is. Mine.” Luna growled, wrapping me in her midnight blue magic and pulling me away from the crazed mares. She kept me levitated by her side as we flew off together, her magic more than capable of freeing me from my bonds as we travelled.
“Damn, thanks Luna,” I said, appreciatively noting how the act of flying made the muscles under her coat ripple. “Are things really that bad in Equestria as far as males go? I mean, I haven’t seen too many...”
“Hush, my stallion,” Luna said, and something about her voice made me flinch inside. “All your questions will be answered in moments.” I closed my mouth and watched as we descended toward a grassy glen in a forest. I could see that the only thing of note was a strange piece of metal lying on the forest floor that was shaped like an “H.” My mind started trying to sound some warnings to my mouth, but before I could say anything, Luna dropped me the last foot or so to the ground directly over the metal.
As I suspected, or had begun to suspect, it was a trap. Cuffs built into the ends of the “H” snapped shut around my hooves, securing me firmly in place.
“Luna,” I said, trying to sound reasonable, tugging a bit at my bonds. “What’s going on?”
“You forsook your bonds of friendship with fair Derpy,” Luna said, smirking and running a hoof along my flank, like someone would with a prize animal they had just bought. “Therefore, you belong to whichever mare has a claim over you. Which, I do.”
“Whoa, hold up,” I said, panicking a little and trying earnestly to pull myself free. My hooves may as well have been set into the bones of the planet itself for all the good it did me. “I didn’t forsake anything. I was just trying to figure out...”
“Hush, my stallion,” Luna said, clamping my mouth shut with her magic. “Hold still while I lock my bridle upon you.” I pulled against the shackles with everything I had, while at the same time trying to dodge the approaching mass of straps. It was no use, and I heard a small whimper escape my mouth as the bridle began to slide over my nose.
“Away foul phantasm, you have no power in my realm!” Luna’s voice thundered again, only this time from above, and the world around me shook in response to the fury in that voice. Luna dropped the bridle and we both looked up in surprise. A second Luna, stooping like a falcon, dove from the clouds, flinging a spear of power at my captor. The bolt slammed through the chest of the “Luna” who had captured me, allowing it only a moment of surprise before it dissolved into mist. The attacking Luna landed a moment later where the other had stood.
“I’m sorry it took so long to reach you, James,” Luna said with a snort of satisfaction at her victory. “Your dreams continue to be difficult to reach, despite their obvious power. I will have you free in a moment.” True to her word, the shackles holding me evaporated just like the first “Luna” had, and I staggered away.
“Is... is it really you this time?” I said, scared as I tried to avoid speculating how deep down the rabbit hole I was. “You said I was ‘your stallion’ before, does that mean ponies have some kind of droit de seigneur?” Luna looked at me in puzzlement for a moment as she sorted out the old medieval French phrase.
“Oh, by my Moon, no,” Luna laughed, realizing one of the sources of my distress. “James, please come sit beside me. I give you my word as a Princess of Equestria, that nothing will happen except with your complete consent.” Luna sat herself down onto the grass, tucking her legs in underneath her and folding her wings against her back.
“Um, okay,” I said, and then realization came to me. “Wait. This is a dream. No, wait, that’s not right... I just had a nightmare.”
“A very bad one, James,” Luna said. “So bad that your fear and terror drew a phantasm to you. A creature of the dream realm that feeds on such emotions. When it began to feed off of your nightmare, it realized it could draw even more power from you by creating a nightmare within your nightmare.”
“Yeah,” I said, shaking my head and moving to lay down beside Luna. “A dream inside a dream is always pretty bad. Is this a normal thing for you to handle?”
“No, it is quite rare,” Luna said, placing a wing over me in a feathery hug. “As I said, your dreams are of exceptional power and are, sadly, uncontrolled.” That saying triggered a memory of an old, very cutthroat MMO I played for a couple of years.
“You imagine wonderful things, and you imagine terrible things, and you take no responsibility for your imaginings,“ I misquoted, in all likelihood. “This is the gift of your species, and it is also its curse.”
“That is a very apt saying, James,” Luna said, nodding to me as her wing and body gave me comfort. “Before this night is out, we will do something to ward you from such a creature attempting to feed on you again. But first, we must determine the cause of the nightmare that drew the phantasm in the first place. Tell me what occured before my arrival.” Wide cyan eyes looked deeply into me. Luna wasn’t commanding me, or forcing me to talk, but her steady regard made it clear that she would accept nothing less from me than the whole truth. So, I told her the whole dream up to her arrival, and she frowned at me, sensing there was more to tell. So, I told her of what had happened the previous day.
Memo to self: Never, ever, get the Princess of the Night mad at us. The ground, the freaking ground, vibrated at the intensity of her growl, shaking the trees around us.
“I am most wroth with the staff of the hospital, James,” Luna said, her voice calm but her tail twitching back and forth like an angered cat. “They were to keep your condition private, even from their co-workers. However, that is something for me to deal with tomorrow. Right now, we are discussing you. You dreamed that Derpy betrayed you. Do you have any idea why you might dream something like that?”
“Because I may have betrayed her friendship in me,” I admitted sadly. To her credit, Luna simply nodded with a “go on” gesture. “This whole thing with my lust cranked up to eleven has got me second guessing everything.”
“Including your relationship with Derpy Hooves,” Luna said, thoughtfully. “Tell me, James, do you love her? Do you desire her?”
“No!” I exclaimed and shook my head, “Yes, maybe. I don’t know anymore. Look, Luna. All I really know for sure is that Derpy is a friend and I don’t want to see her hurt. Even if that friendship is just something this transformation shoved onto me.”
“That is a fine sentiment, James.” Luna said, keeping her wing draped over me. “You say that Derpy is a friend to you. May I ask when was the first time you felt that friendship toward her?”
I thought back, rewinding recent events in my mind’s eye and trying to isolate the moment Luna requested. It came to me after a moment, the two of us, fighting those goons together in the alley. Then later, after I shared my meal and a nap with her, that was when I really felt that Derpy and I were truly friends, and I dutifully relayed that revelation to Luna.
“And that was the first time you felt the true magic of friendship between you?” Luna asked, and I nodded. “Then thy youth has led you into error, my stallion. For was it not after this time that Discord first transformed you, and brought you to Equestria?” I tossed that back and forth between my few remaining brain cells for about a minute before the light bulb came on.
“Oh hell, I’m an idiot,” I said, whacking myself in the forehead with a forehoof and nearly knocking myself out.
“Perhaps, young James.” Luna said with a slight chuckle at my antics. “But what you do next will truly demonstrate whether you have wisdom or are a fool. What do you plan to do with what you have learned when you awaken?”
“I’d already planned on talking to Derpy, if I can,” I said, sighing a bit and leaning against Luna’s comforting mass. “Only now I think I need to offer her a big apology as well, and ask her if she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If she can, then I’ll ask her if we can still be friends.” A lightning bolt went through me as Luna nuzzled me behind the ear.
“Good stallion, you demonstrate the beginnings of wisdom.” Luna said, and the twinkle in her eye told me she was enjoying how she had managed to fluster me. “James, I like you.”
“Uh...” I responded in my ever eloquent fashion as I tried to shut down a flood of blood to my lower parts.
“Not in that manner, young stallion,” Luna giggled. “At least not yet. I like you for your boldness, your humour, and how you continue to adapt to new things. You show great potential, which is one reason that I wish to make you a member of the Lunar Herd.”
“Um, say what?” I asked, my eyebrow trying to climb through my hairline. “What does that mean?”
“You would become part of my household and extended family,” Luna said, smiling at me. “You would be as a younger cousin or nephew to me. It will not give you any authority in Equestria, but it will serve as a protection for you.”
“Okay, sounds good,” I said and frowned as my ears went back a bit. “But there’s no such thing as a free lunch. What’s the downside?”
“I must put a small piece of my power within you,” Luna said, her face changing to a serious look. “It will mark you as one of mine in some manner, and it will allow me to find you in the dream realm with greater ease.”
“Annnnd?” I prompted, sensing something more.
“However the magic marks you, it will stand in place of your cutie mark,” Luna continued, hanging her head. “At least until such time as you earn one of your own.”
“Cutie mark?” I asked, puzzled for a moment, then remembering part of what I had been told about Equestria. “Oh, you mean those mark of destiny things. Don’t worry about it, Princess. I’m not. One question though, does doing this give me any responsibilities to you?”
“Only such things that I might ask of any friend, requests that you may feel free to refuse if you think they are onerous,” Luna said and her grin came back. “It does not, for instance, make you my concubine or my consort.”
“Oh darn,” I said, grinning back, decision made. “But I would be proud to become a member of your herd. You’ve done a lot to watch over me and help me, and I’d love to be able to give back a bit.”
“So be it, young stallion,” Luna said, and then she gently touched her horn to my head before murmuring something. As the words flowed from her I felt a cool sensation spread over my forehead, like cold water. The coolness was refreshing, invigorating, and I closed my eyes to savour the feeling as the magic washed away the dregs and after products of the nightmare. I felt the wave sink through my body in a downwards path, concentrating itself in my hooves before fading away.
“Well, that is certainly different,” Luna said, and I opened my eyes, checking myself up and down to see what had changed. Luna giggled a bit as she watched me twist around trying to spot what had been altered on me. It wasn’t until I moved a hoof and felt an unexpected weight there that I realized what had changed. Luna’s magic had shod my bare hooves with gleaming arcs of silver.
“Is this normal?” I asked Luna, rolling to a side and extending a hoof to her.
“No, but then again, the magic tends to do as it will,” she traced one her hooves over mine, feeling the shoe there and drawing a giggle from me as she tickled the sensitive frog. “Moonsteel shoes, very strong, very durable. Perhaps the magic has given you something you will need as you travel the worlds for Discord. Only time will tell.”
“Okay,” I said, still rubbing at the shoes and admiring them. “What next?”
“Next, stallion of my herd,” Luna said, smiling as power began to wreathe her horn. “You will get some true rest and I shall return to patrolling the dream realm again.”
“Wait!” I said, putting out a hoof to stop her before she zapped me. “Before you put me under, can you rig it so I wake up a little early?”
“Certainly,” Luna said, knowing immediately why I wanted to be up. “I was going to arrange that anyway, James, but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you. There was no need to shout at your matriarch.”
“Matriarch?” I asked just as Luna hit me with her knockout spell and I knew only oblivion for the next several hours.
I woke up feeling really rested and energetic, like I could do anything at all. Then I remembered past events and shot a glance at the clock on the wall. It was 7am, nearly a full hour before things started to get going in the hospital proper. I hit the button on the side of the bed that raised the upper portion for me, and as I did I saw the gleam from the underside of my hooves.
“Well, hell,” I said to myself. “That really did happen.” I spent a moment or two twisting a hoof toward me so I could study it. It was pretty much what I thought a horseshoe should look like, curved like an Omega from the Greek alphabet. Two things were a little different than what I expected though. First, the sides of the horseshoe had grooves notched in them, perpendicular to the line of the shoe itself. Traction grooves, I guessed.
The second odd thing was that I seemed to remember that horseshoes were nailed on. Mine had no nails, or fasteners of any sort that I could see. Perhaps they were glued to my hooves somehow. However they were attached though, they weren’t coming off. I put the mystery of my hooves aside as I turned my attention to a greater problem though. That of how to get to Derpy.
The way I saw it, I had three options. First, I could simply wait until the nurse came in with my breakfast and ask her to get someone to take me to Derpy. It was a fine, mellow idea that would cause the least upset to all concerned, but it also ran the biggest risk of Derpy being discharged and leaving the hospital before I could talk to her.
Second, I could hit my call button for a nurse. I really didn’t want to cause a panic though and have nurses come charging into my room, expecting me to be keeling over, only to find me asking for a porter. Making people who have your well-being in their hooves run around for minor reasons is not a good way to make friends and influence people.
The third option was for me to try to make my own way over to see Derpy. My body from my shoulders up was listening to me, for the most part, and there was a wheelchair near the bed. If I could reach out, catch the wheelchair with my forelegs and drag it against the bed I should be able to scootch myself off the bed and onto the wheelchair. After that, it should be a simple matter to wheel myself to where Derpy was.
“Piece of cake,” I said to myself, leaning and stretching outwards. At the time I didn’t really notice it, but everything from about my chest up really listened to me, even if the bottom half still spasmed and twitched like a Starbuck’s junky coming down from a week-long coffee fest. Regardless of my noticing though, I was indeed able to hook a hoof around the chair and drag it so that it sat parallel to the bed.
“That’s it, come to papa,” I murmured, pleased with my accomplishment. I flung the blanket off the lower half of me and spent a minute figuring out how to lower the side rail of the bed. Then I leaned out, resting some weight on the chair beginning to pull myself off of the bed and onto the chair.
They say that no plan survives contact with the enemy, and that nature always sides with the hidden flaw. So it was with me, as the hidden flaw of my not setting the brakes on the wheelchair made itself manifest. The more of my body that was suspended between bed and chair, the more of my weight pushed against it. Until with agonizing slowness the chair began to push away from the bed, drawing my body out with it and I quickly passed the point of no return.
“Crap, crap, crap,” I chanted, helpless to stop myself as I was stretched out to full length in mid-air. Had my lower half been working as well as my upper half I might have had a chance to salvage things by pulling myself back in with my rear legs. Instead though, I crashed heavily and painfully to the floor in a clatter of medical equipment as things fell or were dragged to the floor by me.
“What in the wide, wide world of Equestria is going on here?” Nurse Redheart asked as she burst through the door moments later, her eyes going wide. I must have looked quite the sight. Collapsed onto the floor, the wheelchair having flipped back over my head and upper body, the blanket from the bed dragged off and lying over my back and rear legs, bits of medical equipment and supplies all over the place.
“We’ve got a ‘Code Autumn’, room eighteen,” Redheart called back over her shoulder as she moved quickly to my side and got down low to check me out. After that came the doctor, the orderlies, and exactly the kind of big panic I hadn’t wanted to happen, as they rushed me into an examining room to see if I’d injured any internal organs.
It was mid-day before they wheeled me back to my room, and I’d had to promise up and down that until Long Strides gave the okay, I wouldn’t try to leave my bed again without assistance. Even then, some of the nurses were talking about chaining me to the bed, giving me dirty looks as they did so. I’d had a suspicion that a certain princess had raked them over the coals a few hours earlier for their gossiping of yesterday, and that they were still feeling the sting of her verbal lash. Long Strides talked them out of that though, saying it would be detrimental to my recovery.
“Thanks, Long Strides,” I said as ponies began to leave. “I thought they were gonna lock me up and throw away the key.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m not a little ticked with you,” Long Strides said, smirking a bit. “But, what you did shows that your body control is going up exponentially, which is a great sign. Rest up today from your adventure and we’ll pick up again tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, there is somepony else here to see you.” The therapy mare went to the door and held it open while a blond-maned, grey pegasus mare walked in.
“Derpy!” I exclaimed, happy as hell to see her. I thought I had missed her entirely with my little misadventure.
“Hi, J-James,” Derpy stuttered out uncharacteristically, and barely stepped inside the door as Long Strides left and refused to meet my eyes. “I just wanted to tell you that it’s okay if you don’t want to see me anymore. I under—”
“Stop right there,” I said with as much authority as I could muster, and you would think I’d have kicked her from how she looked. “You… have not done anything wrong, except to be the most courageous, awesome, and self-sacrificing friend that a complete idiot like myself could possibly ask for.” Derpy’s head came up at that, her mismatched eyes going wide.
“I don’t deserve to have a friend even half as incredible as you have been to me,” I pressed on, and I could almost see the confidence flowing back into my friend. “The truth is, I haven’t been anywhere near as much of a friend to you as you have to me, and you aren’t just my friend, you’re my best friend in Equestria. Maybe the best friend I’ll ever have here or anywhere else.”
“You mean that?” Derpy asked, still hesitant.
“Damn right I do,” I said, smiling at her and holding up my forelegs. “Now, come here and give me a hug.” Derpy was against me and hugging so fast that teleportation would have been slower. We stayed like that for a few minutes, with her sniffling into my chest fur and me making comforting noises while stroking her mane.
“When you stopped talking to me, I thought you wanted me to go away,” Derpy eventually said as she looked up at me. “Why did you do that?”
“Because I was scared,” I replied honestly. “I was scared that I couldn’t trust how I felt about people around me anymore, because this collar Discord had me put on has messed with my emotions so I wasn’t sure I could trust anything.”
“So, you just like me because you got changed into a pony?” Derpy asked, and I could see her emotions threatening to crash again.
“No, my fine feathered friend,” I said, bopping her gently on the nose. “We were friends even before that, as another friend of ours pointed out. This all has made me realize how important it is to have friends here and not try to rely so much on myself, and how important you are to me as a friend. What I guess the upshot of all this is, is that I’m sorry and can you forgive me for making you think I didn’t want to be friends anymore?”
“So you still wanna be friends?” Derpy asked, and I could see the beginnings of a smile on her face like the first lights of dawn.
“Of course I do,” I said, smiling down at her. “You still wanna be friends?”
“Of course I do,” Derpy said right back, as she hugged me even harder. I felt happy and at peace for the first time since I had arrived in Equestria and things got even better the next day.
“I’m still standing,” I sang out loud, my just barely off-key voice rattling off the porcelain walls of the rehab area, “Here in my underwear! I’m still standing, can be most anywhere…” I let my happy warble trail off, as my eyes saw poor Long Strides cringing on the floor, her ears flattened back against her head, with her hooves jammed in them as if trying to block out my song of triumph. Which is ridiculous of course, as I have a pretty good singing voice.
“What in the name of Tartarus was THAT?” Long Strides asked, getting up and worrying a bit of wax out of her ears. As silence returned to the room she cracked open one eye to look at me warily, removing her hooves from her ears one at a time.
“It is the song of my people,” I said, with a wide, wide smile as I stood there looking at her.
I knew I was being silly, but for the first time since I got to this wacky land of horses I was actually standing under my own power. I looked down at where the straps of the support harness lay slack on the floor around my hooves and felt like doing a jig. A second later I mentally shrugged my shoulders and broke out into a little side step. At which point the universe reminded me I was mortal by neatly tangling up my hooves and sending me crashing to the floor.
I laughed. After the stresses of the past while it felt good, so I laughed some more and then a completely hilarious thought hit me and so I kept laughing until Long Strides came over to look down at me, concern on her muzzle.
“You okay, down there?” she asked. “You break something? Land on a vial of Poison Joke I didn’t see earlier?”
“No...ha ha. I just… heh… realized something,” I giggled out, trying and failing to stop my laughter. “I really DO have two left feet!”
“Um, yah,” Long Strides said, puzzled. “Everypony does, and two right ones as well.” That just made me laugh all the harder until I ran out of breath minutes later and had to stop.
“You done now?” Long Strides asked, having realized that I wasn’t in distress, just crazy, at least by her standards.
“Ya,” I said, drawing in a deep breath and smiling. “Help me up?”
“That’s my job,” Long Strides said, bending down and scooping me up to my feet, er hooves. “How are you feeling? Shaky?” I pushed my awareness down into my body. There were more random twitches then I would like, but I was holding.
“A little twitchy,” I admitted. “But it feels good to be up and moving again.”
“I bet,” Long Strides said, and she started buckling the support harness around me again.
“Hey! What gives?” I asked. I thought about trying to stop the therapy mare, but by now I trusted her pretty much completely with my body. Particularly after the fourth or fifth “Involuntary Reaction” of my lower extremities to her touch. So, I just stood there while she wrapped straps around my torso.
“James, you are a good patient, and from what I’ve seen, a good pony,” Strides said as she hooked up the completed harness to the framework overhead, “but you are a terrible liar. I can feel the tremors going down your hips and thighs. You are making huge leaps forward in your therapy, but if you try to push too hard you are going to wind up hurting yourself.”
She hit a button and the hoist attached to the frame pulled upwards drawing me with it. Long Strides had a fine touch with the mechanism though, so instead of pulling me up into the air, the winch instead took some of the weight of my body off of my hooves. I quirked an eyebrow toward Long Strides.
“So, am I walking or not?” I asked, testing just how much power I could put against the ground.
“Oh, you’re walking,” Strides said, walking over toward a treadmill. “You’re walking right over here where your going to spend the rest of the day walking, with support.” I gulped at how much walking that was and made my way over to the treadmill, gingerly stepping on.
Over the next five hours I learned something new about my physiotherapist. She had a sadistic streak that she had kept hidden from me. It was the only explanation I could think of for why she kept pushing me. Okay, to be honest she didn’t have me walking for the entire five hours. Her job was to make me better after all, and that doesn’t really work if you have your patient walk themselves to death.
No, she had me in a routine. Ten minutes of walking, followed by two minutes of rest where I was allowed to either just stand in place or pull up my legs and hang in the harness. Every third break Long Strides would stick a water bottle in my mouth that had some sort of terrible tasting mixture of water and electrolytes. Sometimes the treadmill would tilt to simulate walking up or downhill and I would have to adjust my stride to match.
She didn’t even let me off that treadmill for lunch or for the bathroom. When I had to take a leak she held a urinal up to my bits and told me to let fly. When lunch came around, the mare strapped an actual feedbag to my muzzle and told me to keep walking while I ate. I had no choice but to continue labouring under the urgings of my cruel taskmistress, plodding forward one tragic step at a time. All Long Strides needed was a whip to make the image complete.
Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but to be honest, I think she would have had me walking until I fell asleep in the harness and kept me going even in my sleep. As we started into hour six though, the day’s labour finally caught up with me and I tripped, stumbled and would have fallen flat on my face if it hadn’t been for the harness wrapped around my body.
Long Strides was at my side in about half a second, shutting off the treadmill and making sure I hadn’t actually hurt myself. As the treadmill beneath me rolled to a stop, she winched me fully into the air and swung me over to a padded table that she lowered me down onto. Once I was safely down she started rubbing my whole body down with damp towels that both cooled me and swept away the sweat I’d built up.
Once all that was done, she started into a deep massage that started at my back end and worked all the way forward to my nose. I was a barely conscious pony puddle by the time Long Strides was done, adrift on a cloud of the endorphins brought on by the ministrations of the rehab pony.
“Is he ready to see me?” my ears twitched toward a voice that sounded familiar to my lazy thought processes, and a moment later the misshapen face of Discord appeared in my vision. “How you doing there, James?”
“You,” I tried to shout at the draconequus in an angry voice. “You shcrewed up my collar, made me wanna lump ev’ry mare I came across. Mmade me ‘barrassed in fronna prinshesses. You farging icehole.” All that came from the one tiny corner of my mind that was still functioning, and I even tried to take a swing at Discord, but there was just too much inertia from the completely relaxed parts of me and all I did was wave a hoof feebly.
“Wow, he really is mad,” Discord said, looking over at Long Strides. “I’m sort of glad I let you convince me to wait until now.”
“You shet me up,” I slurred at Long Strides, before taking a gulping breath. “You know that son of a beach almosh wrecked me and Derps.”
“I know,” Long Strides said, drawing a groan of pleasure from me as she rubbed an area near where my neck and spine joined. “Discord wanted to apologize and I figured it would be best if you were relaxed first.”
Any ongoing resentment I had toward Discord was drowned by whatever the hell it was Long Strides was doing to my nerves, and I made a mental note, in crayon, to never get romantically involved with the deceptively strong mare. If this is what she could do to me with a simple massage I’d never survive actually sleeping with her. I however, am a pony of iron determination, and I fought off the evil massage long enough to express my displeasure with eloquence.
“Glerg,” I said, fixing my single open eye on Discord, by which I meant “Go ahead.” Discord must have been fluent in relaxed mumble as he figured out my meaning easily.
“Look James, I’m sorry, “ Discord said, grinning down at me. “I never meant for the side effects to get this bad, and I’m already working on a replacement collar for you. If you’re wondering what happened, basically some of the spells in the collar interacted with each other, including the compulsion for you not to take it off.”
Long Strides stopped massaging me when she heard that, and fixed Discord with a death glare that could have fried bacon at planetary ranges.
“What exactly have you done to my patient?” she asked with a growl. “Explain yourself.”
“Heh,” I mumbled, just barely above sleep. “Kick his ash.” Knowing I was in good hooves, I let my open eye close and I start drifting off on the wonderful cloud Long Strides had made for me.
“I had to do something to keep him from trying to take it off, “ I heard Discord say in a frantic voice as I floated toward sleep. “If he takes his collar off anywhere other than Earth, he might not ever be able to be human again.” Which was the last thing I heard before I fell into the deep, dreamless sleep of the physically exhausted.
The next morning I woke up and walked slowly down to the hospital cafeteria for breakfast. Yup, I walked under my own power, and despite the previous day’s exertion I wasn’t sore in the slightest, which I put down to the expert massage Long Strides had given me afterwards.
“You owe me a couple of questions,” Lyra said, plopping herself down in front of me.
“And good morning to you too, Lyra,” I replied, munching on a piece of toast that I could have filed to a point and stabbed someone with. “How goes the hunt for a place for me?”
“I’ve got it narrowed to just a few places,” Lyra replied, sliding some jam over to me. “Okay, first question. You said humans wore clothes, why?”
“A few reasons,” I replied slathering some jam on the dead bread absently. I was missing something. I just couldn’t put my hoof on it. “The main thing is humans don’t have fur, so we need the clothing for temperature regulation, because of that humans don’t like being naked in general.”
“Huh, interesting,” Lyra said, making a few notes. “What about purely ornamental stuff, like collars?” She gestured toward the black band around my throat, and as she did it was like someone had flipped a switch that lit up a dark room in my head. Everything that had happened last night just before I fell asleep leaped into my mind, including the last words Discord had said. I stood up and jogged from the room.
“Hey, wait up,” Lyra said, pounding up behind me, easily faster than my current best speed. “What’s wrong?”
“Ornamental stuff is up to personal preference,” I said, turning toward the physio room. “Sorry to run and answer but I just remembered something super important.”
“Um, okay,” Lyra said, clearly confused. “See you at lunch?”
“Come find me,” I said, calling back to her just before I went into the therapy area. Long Strides was already there getting ready to start her day, some paperwork in front of her. She looked up as I came barrelling wide-eyed through the doorway, and held up a hoof.
“Stop, before you trip and fall,” she said, in a voice both meant to calm and command. “Discord explained everything after you fell asleep. Have a seat and I’ll tell you what he said.”
“I was right,” I said to her, plopping my butt on an exercise mat, “There is some sort of mind control whammy in the collar, isn’t there.” I trusted Long Strides, but it was all I could do not to be jumping up and down right then.
“Yes and no,” Long Strides said, holding up a hoof to forestall any questions. “Along with all the other spells on it, Discord put in a compulsion to keep you from fiddling with it and accidentally taking it off.”
“Why?” I asked. Sometimes the simplest questions were the best.
“Discord explained to me some of how the transformation part of the collar works,” Long Strides said, and I could see her looking into her memories. “The collar doesn’t so much transform you, as replace your body with a stored template.”
“So, what you’re saying is my original human body is stored in the collar?” I asked, touching the collar gently.
“As a template,” Long Strides said. “So right now, you are a pony. Who can be a human, but if you took the collar off right now, the template of the human ‘James Allens,’ would be erased from the collar forever.”
“And I’d be stuck as a pony,” I said, trailing off. “That’s a stupid design. Why did he make it that way?
“Because he figured that riveting or welding the collar around somepony’s neck would make them freak out,” Long Strides said bluntly.
“Yah, that would do it,” I replied pensively. “Can I ever take the collar off safely?”
“Back on your Earth,” Long Strides said, coming over to sit beside me, “And also any place that has enough magical energy to keep the collar going even if it isn’t on you. I only know of two places like that in Equestria.”
“And those are?” I asked, prompting.
“Twilight Sparkles’ work room,” Long Strides said, “and Princess Celestia’s solarium. Other than that, never take the collar off except when you’re home. Got it?”
“Got it,” I replied, seriously. “What’s on the agenda for today?”
“Lots more treadmill work,” Long Strides said with an evil grin.
“Ugh,” I groaned back in response. “So yesterday wasn’t to tire me out so I wouldn’t punch Discord?”
“Oh, it was that as well,” Strides said, gathering up her paperwork. “But what we are doing here is building muscle memory, making the motions of pony movement automatic for you. We’re also building up your endurance, because to be perfectly honest a five hour walk should be nothing for an earth pony, but you were all but out on your hooves at the end.”
“Pretty bad, huh?” I asked, chagrined at my weakness as I moved over to the treadmill.
“For an adult pony?” Strides asked rhetorically, as she buckled the workout harness around me. “Yah, it was pretty bad, but for a pony literally just getting his hooves under him for the first time, it was pretty damn good. Don’t let that go to your head though, because with the way I’ve been seeing you improve I’ll be making things harder each day.”
“So, walking isn’t good enough for you, eh?” I asked, flashing her an intentionally cocky grin. “Oh the cruel demands I slave under.”
“You want I should bring your Matriarch in to kick your butt?” Long Strides asked as she started the machine up at a slow walking pace that I knew would be speeding up soon.
“You know about all that?” I asked, concentrating on keeping my movements smooth and uniform.
“It isn’t everyday somepony gets adopted into the Lunar Herd,” Strides said, grinning. “The proclamations went out while you were on the treadmill yesterday. Don’t be surprised if you get a lot of ponies coming up to you asking for things once you get out of hospital.”
“Ya, right,” I mocked, finding my rhythm. “Luna just looks in on me because I’m new and a little weird. I don’t have any influence over her at all, and I don’t want any either.”
“You know that, I know that, the Princess knows that,” Long Strides said. “But all the little climbers and socialites are still going to see you as a way to get their agenda in front of a princess.”
“Well, the only agenda I’m working on is getting up to speed,” I said. “Speaking of speed, are we staying at a walk today? Because, if we are I’d love to get some music in here.”
“Some music would be a good idea,” Long Strides said, nodding. “Because today we are going to try to move you up to a trot, which is the ‘working’ gait of a pony. It’s our most efficient moving pace and even a unicorn can keep one up for hours. An earth pony, properly channeling their magic, can literally trot any other land animal in Equestria into the ground.”
“Damn,” I said, impressed. “Humans have a similar advantage on Earth.”
“Really?” Long Strides asked, looking at me with a bit of skepticism. “From what I’ve heard your native species only has two legs. How could you possibly outrun anything?”
“Speed-wise humans aren’t all that fast,” I admitted, with a little wounded pride for humanity. “But we can outlast just about anything because we can dissipate the heat we generate better than just about anything else.”
“Really,” Long Strides said, putting a hoof to her chin. “Makes sense though. If you can keep cool you could just keep going until you ran out of energy. Anyway, looks like you’re warmed up. Ready to kick it up a notch?”
“Bring it,” I said, and slowly the speed built up on the treadmill. I started walking faster and faster until something in my body shifted. I seemed to stand up a little taller and my body shifted to a new pace. For three whole strides, after which I tangled myself up completely and went sprawling. The harness again the only thing saving me from a face plant.
Long Strides scooped me up, got me back on my feet and explained what happened. A trot isn’t a fast walk, it’s a completely different way of moving the legs. I spent about an hour with her learning how to move my legs in diagonal pairs instead of one at a time. Even then there were several false starts with me tripping over myself as I moved from walk to trot, but after awhile I had it down and I was trotting along like a champ.
“So, about the music?” I asked, my head bouncing back and forth with my body’s motions. “Something a little peppy might be nice.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Strides said, getting up from where she had been intently watching my legs. “You okay on your own for a bit?”
“Go,” I said, with a laugh. “I could do this all day, which is good because I probably am.” Long Strides laughed at that, left the room and came back about twenty minutes later. She was dragging a charcoal grey pony in her wake who screamed “sophisticated” with her every motion. She wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, but she was elegant as hell.
“Hello Brother,” the mare said to me, with an English accent and pulling a cello of all things off of her back. “Long Strides has asked me to play for you during your exercise session, and as I require hours of practice each day I was more than willing to acquiesce to her request. However, I must ask if you have any objections.”
“Definitely not, Ma’am,” I said to the mare, still trying to get used to the posh atmosphere that seemed to surround her like a cloud. “I’m desperate for any sort of diversion, especially as I’m going to be stuck here for several hours. Consider me something of a captive audience as it were.”
“Very well, Brother,” the mare said. “Any requests?”
“I don’t know cello music well enough,” I said, shrugging a bit and then having to recover as the motion threw my stride off. “Whatever you think is best Ma’am.”
“I am Octavia Melody,” the mare said, settling herself and her instrument into position. “You may call me Octavia or ‘Sister’ as you prefer.”
“Sister?” I asked, taking a sip of water.
“Princess Luna is a patron of the arts,” Octavia said, making a few experimental draws of her bow along the strings. “I have had the honour of being a member of the Lunar Herd for some few years now. Now, I will thank you to not speak further unless you need to.”
There was no way I was going to argue with that, so I closed my mouth and concentrated on trotting. A moment later, the room was filled with an incredible wave of sound that seemed to lend colour to everything. Despite wanting to simply concentrate on my form, the music invaded my brain through my ears, and set up shop behind my eyes.
No longer was I stuck on a treadmill, in a room, in a hospital. Instead I was on a gentle trot through the countryside, the scenery moving effortlessly past me as I clip-clopped along. That went on for awhile, and the music picked up a notch as I climbed an imaginary hill, picking my way up its steep trail. Then down the opposite side, as my trotting moved between quick fast steps and slow powerful ones.
As I traveled along I was greeted with birdsong and the occasional small dog who zipped along with me. At one point there was even a small shower that I moved on through, the pitter-pat of the raindrops clearly sounding against my ears and coat. It was a wonderful, glorious experience. The imagery of which was provided solely by the power of a single instrument in the hooves of a mare who was truly gifted.
“I’ve never heard better music in my life,” I told Octavia as the final notes echoed away.
“Hey, no stopping,” Long Strides said, wacking me lightly on the butt as a reminder that I still had a few hours to go. “But James is right. That was really something. Thank you, Octavia.”
“It was my pleasure,” Octavia said, nodding in acknowledgement of our praise. “Same time tomorrow?” Long Strides and I both nodded enthusiastically. Octavia just smiled and packed up her instrument, while Long Strides busied herself putting together a feedbag for me. Without the distraction of Octavia’s music my stomach was reminding me that I had missed lunch.
“YOU!” Lyra shouted as she pushed passed a leaving Octavia to enter the room. “You were supposed to meet me for your questions in the lunchroom.” Long Strides froze, her mind clearly locked up trying to process the sudden jarring interruption after the hours of blissful peace Octavia had given us.
“Lyra,” I said, keeping up my trotting on the treadmill. “I told you to come find me, remember? And as you can see, I’m a little tied up at the moment.” I nodded to the safety harness that was strapped to me, and it seemed to break Long Strides out of her paralysis.
“Not to mention my patient needs his food,” she said, approaching me with the feedbag as she scowled at Lyra, who had the grace to look embarrassed.
“Look, I’m sorry,” Lyra said, backing up a couple of paces, her ears flattening and her eyes downcast. “I’m really sorry, but it’s important that I talk to James. If I promise to wait quietly until after he’s eaten can I stay?” Long Strides tilted her head at me in a silent question and I nodded my permission with a roll of my eyes.
“Fine,” Long Strides said, still not very pleased. “You stand silently in the corner until I say you can come out and talk to James. Remember this, I have plenty of medical tape in this room. I hear so much as a peep and I’ll muzzle you for a week. Got it?” Lyra was not a foolish mare and recognized a threat when she heard one. Wisely she didn’t say anything, simply turning herself so that she stood face first in the corner.
“Smart mare,” Long Strides said, turning back to me and strapping the feedbag to my own muzzle. “As for you, eat up. We’re barely halfway through today’s session and you need the energy.”
She was right, and whatever Long Strides had put in my feedbag had my mouth watering from the scent alone as I set to with a will. Oats and carrot slices greeted my tongue, followed by raisins for sweetness, as well as something small and hard that burst in a small explosion of spice when I bit down on it. When I tried to thank Long Strides for the food she gave me another light swat on the rump and told me to concentrate on what I was doing. After food, a long drink and another application of the urinal my keeper/jailer/therapist decided Lyra had waited long enough.
“Well, I had really wanted to see what you would have looked like with a muzzle Lyra,” Long Strides said, and I swore there was something more than a chuckle in her voice. “But you’ve kept to the rules so I guess you can come over and talk to James now.”
“Th-Thank you,” Lyra said, moving gingerly to stand beside the treadmill keeping as much distance as she could between herself and Long Strides, who idly started going through a box labelled “Tape” and making wistful sighs.
“What’s up, Lyra?” I asked, keeping my pace. Again Long Strides was proved right in what she had told me about ponies. I’d been at this for hours and I was barely feeling the strain. More, I could feel the food I had just eaten giving me fresh energy and pushing me onwards.
“Hi James. Anyway, a couple of things,” Lyra said, trying to focus on me. “First off, I may have found you a house. It’s a one year lease with an option to buy afterwards. The place is a little run down, but it’s super cheap. You can easily afford it on what Discord is paying you.”
“Great, what’s the catch?” I asked, smiling. “There’s always a catch with these things.”
“Wellll,” Lyra said, drawing out the word. “The place is run-down because no one wants to live there. You see, it’s right next door to Derpy’s place.”
“Are you kidding?” I asked, a wide smile splitting my face. “That’s perfect!”
“Hey, watch your pacing,” Long Strides interrupted. “Come on. One, two. One, two.” I am not a foolish stallion. I stopped talking for a minute and concentrated on keeping my legs moving in the smooth trotting rhythm they had been doing all day, while Lyra wisely waited until Long Strides gave her a nod before continuing the conversation.
“Well, you wouldn’t know it, but Derpy has something of a reputation for collisions,” Lyra said, grimacing. “The house in question has been an accidental landing pad for her more than a couple of times.”
“Don’t care,” I said, determined to have a place near my friend. “Start negotiating with the owner.”
“Right,” Lyra said, nodding. “Okay, now for my questions. First question: Are humans meat eaters or vegetarians?”
“Neither,” I said, drawing amusement from the look on Lyra’s face as I said that. “Humans are omnivores. We do best on a mixed diet of meats and non-meat foods.”
“Okay, that takes me to one of my contingency questions,” Lyra said, screwing up her face in disgust. “On Earth, do humans eat ponies?” I was so surprised at the question I nearly stopped cold. As it was I screwed up my rhythm for several strides and I had to fight to bring it back under control, earning both of us scowls from Long Strides.
“Okay, first off you have to understand one thing,” I said, once everything was back on an even keel. “On Earth, humans are the only sentient species. We are quite literally alone in a world of unthinking, unspeaking animals. So yes, some humans do eat our version of ponies, which are tall, beautiful animals called horses.” Both Lyra and Long Strides faces moved in interesting ways after I said that.
“James,” Long Strides said, her face unreadable. “Do yourself a favor. Never refer to ponies as whorses… in any context, ever again. Got it?”
“Um, sure,” I said, knowing I was missing something but not wanting to piss anyone off. “Um, yah. So, most… equines are used as riding animals or beasts of burden. Very rarely are they eaten, and before you ask. No, I have not eaten equine.” Lyra let out a breath at that.
“Okay, I’ll start talking to the owner of that house, and let you know how it goes,” Lyra said, taking her leave. Not before Long Strides tagged Lyra’s back with a piece of medical tape without her noticing.
“Okay,” she said, smiling at me. “Let’s keep going. I have some paperwork to deal with.”
“Right,” I said, bearing down and the next few hours flowed by in the mindless tedium of trotting. The sun was sinking down by the horizon when the treadmill finally began to slow to a walk and then a stop. Long Strides unstrapped me, got me to a shower stall and proceeded to wash me down.
“How do you feel?” she asked, as she started toweling me down. “Any weakness, sore spots or other problems?”
“No, I feel pretty good actually,” I replied, just before my stomach rumbled loudly. “Other than the fact that I could really go for something to eat.” Long Strides cocked an eyebrow skeptically before running a hoof down each of my legs, paying special attention to each of the big muscles there.
“Well, I wouldn’t have believed it if I wasn’t feeling it with my own hooves,” the therapy mare said, “but as near as I can tell, your nerves and muscles are firing in perfect sync now. Other than your lack of experience you are almost identical to a native born Equestrian.”
“HOT DAMN!” I yelled out, wrapping both my forelegs around Long Strides in a big hug. “Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“I had a good patient,” she said, smiling back. “I’d still like to see you for a few more days on an outpatient basis, but I’m willing to discharge you from hospital right now.”
“That’s awesome,” I said, smiling, but then my face fell as I realized something. “Wait, there’s one problem. I have no place to live yet.”
“Oh, I don’t think you need to worry about that,” came Discord’s deep voice from behind us.
“Hi boss,” I said. I was still ticked at my employer, but he had apologized and I could understand why he had put the compulsion on the collar. So I decided not to hold a grudge. “You’re not thinking I can stay with you tonight, are you?”
“Jimmy, my boy,” Discord said, wrapping an arm around me. “You have more options than you think. Derpy at the least would offer you her couch if you asked. Luna made you a member of her extended family and that means you could even ask for a place to sleep at the palace. Finally, I made some sleeping quarters at the office, for my employees.”
“Um, so I’m definitely being discharged?” I asked Long Strides, who signed a last piece of paperwork with a flourish.
“Yup, as of right now,” Long Strides said, before holding up a hoof. “However, I refuse to clear you for work tomorrow.”
“What?” Discord said, rounding on the therapy mare. “I need to get him on the job as soon as possible. Besides, tomorrow will be a milk run. Easy peasy, no surprises.”
“Discord, three days ago this stallion was bedridden,” Long Strides said, a small growl in her voice. “Two days ago he couldn’t walk, and today was the first time he trotted. His progress has been nothing short of a miracle, and I refuse to jeopardize it by letting him push himself beyond what he is ready for.” Discord stomped back and forth for a minute, muttering darkly before turning back to me and Long Strides.
“Fine,” Discord said, clearly not pleased but also not willing to push things too far. “It took awhile to find someone like Jimmy, I guess I can wait a bit longer. When do you think he will be ready?”
“You’re being awfully reasonable about this, Discord. Not like your reputation at all,” Long Strides said, cocking a Spock-like eyebrow at my boss. “But… if there are no complications, and he progresses like he has… You can have him the day after tomorrow.”
“THANK YOU!” Discord exclaimed, sweeping Long Strides up into a huge hug. “If I don’t get some deliveries made soon, I’ll have to disappoint Fluttershy. I really don’t want to disappoint Fluttershy.”
“As long as James is able to handle a canter and a gallop as well as he handled the other two gaits, I won’t have a problem signing off on his status,” Long Strides said. “Just take care of him, okay?”
“Thank you,” I said, interrupting Discord before he could say anything else as I hugged Long Strides hard. “You got me back up and running again, and I’ll never be able to repay you for that.”
“Just take care of yourself,” Long Strides said, smiling with her entire body. “Now shoo, and I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early.”
I just stood there for a moment, looking at the reflection in the mirror. It was hard, very very hard, to connect the image in the mirror to what I thought of as “me,” but as I twitched ears and flexed my jaw, the reflection in the glass moved to match me. A brown furred, blond maned pony looked back at me, a blue cap perched on his head. The pony completed his outfit with a black tie under a coat made of tough denim, a cap the same blue as the coat, with both cap and coat enhanced with a golden badge pinned to them.
“Equestrian Postal Service, The Pony Express,” I read out loud of the badge, before squinting to read out the motto beneath. “The mail must go through.”
“James,” called a child’s voice through the door. “Mom says you better hurry up if you want some breakfast before your first day of work.”
“Be there in a minute,” I called back to little Dinky, smiling at the memory of being tackled by the pint-sized unicorn when she had seen me walk in through the front door of her house. When Discord had brought me here the other night, I’d been worried about being an imposition, but Dinky’s tackle followed by Derpy’s smile of welcome had been all I needed to know that all was well between me and my favorite pegasus.
The day after that though, had been another day of suffering under the horrible lash of Long Strides as she pushed me right up to what she felt was my safe limits. She’d only had her hooves on me for six hours in total, but what a six hours. The first two had been spent learning the canter. Instead of the diagonal one-two, one-two, beat of the trot, a canter was sort of an oddball gait where I launched myself forward with one rear leg and then sort of caught myself with the other three.
The gallop was like a canter only more so. Instead of leading off with the same leg all the time making a one, one-two-three rhythm, a gallop was pure one-two-three-four as each leg took its turn launching me forward in rapid succession. I have to say, galloping was straight out fun, and I really enjoyed hauling ass.
There were just two problems that presented themselves over the course of the shortened day. One was an actual problem that I was going to have to work on, while the other was a mental one that I was going to have beat to death in my head. The mental problem was being okay with the fact that, at least for an Equestrian earth pony, there was nothing at all wrong about being able to go at full gallop for hours at a time.
Long Strides kept having to keep encourage, beg, cajole and outright threaten me to keep running, because every few minutes I’d start slowing down thinking I was going to blow something out. It got so bad, that at one point she got out an actual whip and cracked it over my back, triggering an instinctive reaction in me to start running like hell again. Where the hell my physiotherapist had gotten a whip from was a question I wasn’t sure I wanted answered. A close second was the question of where she had gained the skill to use one that well.
“James!” called Derpy’s voice, shaking me out of my reverie. “You having breakfast or not?”
“Coming,” I yelled back, darting out of the spare room I was set up in and zipping into the kitchen. Laid out on the table was a bowl of hot oatmeal with some brown sugar on top, an apple and a glass of milk.
“Nervous?” Derpy asked, bringing over some toast for the table.
“It’s okay to be a little scared on your first day,” Dinky piped up, grabbing a slice of toast and slapping some jam on it. “That’s what Momma said to me on my first day of school.”
“Not nervous so much, as not completely certain of myself,” I replied to Dinky, ruffling her mane a bit. “I just hope my problem doesn’t muck things up?”
“What problem?” Derpy asked, some surprise in her voice. “I thought Long Strides had signed off on you being able to work.”
“She did,” I assured her, shoveling in some oatmeal and chewing quickly, “but apparently I’m doing something called ‘cross-firing’ when I’m moving in a canter.”
“Oh, that’s not good,” Derpy said, pausing in devouring her own food. “Did Long Strides say what she was going to do about it?”
“Well, she had her hooves over every inch of my legs, looking for physical problems,” I said between bites as I shoveled fuel into my body. “She couldn’t find anything physically wrong, so she suspects it’s a lingering nerve issue. She told me to avoid cantering until she can work up a regimine so I can self-train out of it.”
“What’s ‘cross-firing’ Mom?” Dinky asked, her face nearly disappearing behind her glass of milk.
“It’s when a pony doesn’t have a balanced gait,” Derpy said, explaining for me. “It makes their stride unbalanced and they tend to bounce around.”
“Not a good thing for a delivery pony,” I said, finishing off the discussion, and my breakfast at the same time. “We had better get going.”
Both the other ponies in the room nodded in agreement and finished off the last bites of their food. A quick rinse of dishes and a gathering of supplies saw us out the door. It was a fine sunny morning in town, which apparently was called ‘Ponyville,’ and various ponies waved to us as we walked Dinky to school on our way to work.
Dropping off Dinky at school, Derpy and I made our way to work at a light trot. I could tell Derpy was having to hold herself back from just taking to the air and zooming ahead on her wings. As I looked past Derpy’s back I noticed a trio of mares who ran a flower stall giving us lingering looks and I decided it couldn’t hurt to make others think that Derpy had landed an apparently cute stallion.
“In case I haven’t said it before, thanks for all your help,” I said softly to Derpy, giving her a quick nuzzle under the ear. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you.” Derpy’s blush was adorable and I could see the watching mares smiling at the apparent public display of affection. It made me resolve to check out the social scene around town in the next few days, particularly on Derpy’s wing.
“I only did what any good friend would do,” Derpy said, ducking her head then extending said wing across my back in a pegasus hug. I turned us toward the building that Discord had set up for us to work out of, making sure the gossips got a good look at us as we left them behind. Five minutes later Derpy and I were stepping into the large square building on the outskirts of town underneath a sign that proclaimed “The Pony Express” and were immediately greeted by our boss.
“Jimmy, my boy!” Discord exclaimed, all smiles and giddiness. “Ready to actually get down to work?”
“Sure thing, boss,” I said, deciding that now was the best time to get answers to two questions that had been bugging the hell out of me while I’d lain in my hospital bed. “You decided to go with the ‘Pony Express’ name?”
“I never could resist a good play on words, Jim,” Discord said, smirking. “I’ve even given you a nice finder fee for the name on top of your regular pay.” I nodded, one down, one to go.
“Another question for you,” I said, pausing for effect. “Why?”
“Why? Because it’s there, Jimbo,” Discord said, wheeling around in a circle, suddenly wearing mountain climbing gear. “Because. It. Is. There.”
“Bull,” I said, as calmly as I could. This was a being who I had personally seen bend reality to his will, a being who owned me in a very real way, but that just meant I needed to be polite as well as firm. “Be honest with me, or I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re serious about this, aren’t you?” Discord asked, and when I nodded he snapped his fingers and the three of us were teleported to his office. “Before I answer, James, tell me why you need to know?”
“No one goes through the amount of trouble you have just for something that’s a challenge or because you were asked to,” I said, still making sure my voice was polite and without an ounce of accusation. “For someone...um, for a being to do all this, there has to be a greater purpose behind it, and before I become a party to it I need to know what it is.”
“First off James, haven’t you wondered why I look the way I do?” Discord asked, cocking an eyebrow at me. “You seemed to take it in stride, but have you ever asked yourself why?”
“Discord,” I replied, with a slight chuckle. “I’ve seen more body swapping, changing and alterations that I would have ever dreamed possible. Your form was just one more different shape.”
“Fair enough, James,” Discord said, leaning forward. “The simple explanation is that I am, among other things, ‘The Spirit of Chaos’.” Then he just sat there, looking at me intently while I did my best not to show any fear at all, while my mind flashed me images of the pages of several source books with the heading “Chaos” on the pages. I’d played Warhammer 40K as a teenager, I knew what a Chaos God was and what one could do. He probably knew exactly what I was thinking at that moment too, and was just waiting for the right moment to rip my soul out.
“Well, that’s certainly interesting,” I said, trying not to run away screaming, which is what he probably wanted. “Come along, Derpy. Let’s go get ready.” I turned to go, but was stopped when my hooves refused to leave the ground, and I spent a few seconds tugging futilely at them but it was like they were part of the floor.
“James, I admit to not knowing everything about people and ponies,” Discord said, a paw open. “So, I’m not letting you go anywhere until you tell me why you are absolutely terrified right now.”
“Run, Derpy!” I yelled, not bothering to try to hide my fear anymore. “Get out of here, I’ll hold him as long as I can!” I saw Derpy turn, beginning to run, and as she did I used a trick my Dad had taught me.
“There will be times in your life, kiddo, when you need to be more than what you are,” Dad had said. “Faster, stronger, more nimble, whatever. There are going to be times when you need what the bible calls ‘power beyond what is normal.’ Luckily, there’s a quick way to get it.”
“Prayer?” I’d asked, to which my Dad had made a scoffing noise.
“Not even close,” Dad said, sipping at his ever present mug of coffee. “When those times come, you will almost always be either angry or scared. What you do is you take that fear or anger, and you redirect it from your mind and you put it in your body. You use that energy as fuel and power to do the things that need getting done. Got it?”
Which is what I did right then. I took the fear and terror that I was feeling for myself and Derpy and instead of letting it fill my brain and freeze it cold, I drove it down into my legs and felt them sing with the icy power of my terror. Discord would have to go through me to get to Derpy.
I felt my face lock into a grin as my hooves tore free from the floor with faint crunching sounds, and I flung myself at Discord’s misshapen face, forcing him to focus on me. Discord’s face went from mildly amused to shock as I rushed him, and he got up a shield of some sort only just in time to keep my hoof from landing on his jaw.
“James!” Discord said, eyes wide as one steel shod hoof after another was stopped a bare inch from his face. “Um, you seem a little peeved, miffed even.”
“Which one are you?” I yelled, riding the tidal wave of fear inside of me as it powered the blows that were beginning to crack his shield. “Khorne? Tzeentch? Slaanesh? Oh god, the collar. You ARE Slaanesh!” I stopped pounding at the shield to reach around behind my neck, and get at the buckle keeping the instrument of my doom around my throat, as my mind filled with horrible possibilities of what was likely about to happen.
“Stop him!” Discord yelled, but it was too late. Derpy had left under the cover of my assault, so it was just me and him now. My questing hooves made their way through my mane to the buckle and I started to work at it just as a butter yellow pegasus with a pink mane flew in through the window.
“What’s going on?” the newcomer asked in a fearful voice.
“Get out of here, Ma’am!” I shouted, falling to my side as I overbalanced on two hooves while trying to work the stubborn bit of leather back through the buckle.
“Don’t let him take off his collar!” Discord shouted, almost at the same time, and I could have sworn there was a note of fear in his voice. I finally managed to thread the tongue of the collar’s strap back out through the buckle when the mare landed beside me.
“STOP!” she said forcefully as she locked gazes with me, and I felt my limbs freeze up as her light blue eyes stared their way through my eyes and into my soul. I think I managed to make a small whimper, my fore hooves frozen in the act of undoing the collar buckle.
“I know you’re very scared,” the mare continued, keeping me speared on her gaze, “but I promise you, Discord won’t do anything intentionally to hurt you.” She blinked, and suddenly I could think a bit again.
“But,” I said, eloquently. “But he’s going to eat my soul with a nice chianti.”
“Discord!” the mare said, rounding on the draconequus. “Did you say that you were going to eat his soul?” Discord dropped his shield and actually shrank back a bit from the pegasus, not that I could blame him.
“Of course not, Fluttershy,” Discord said. “I just told him that I was the Spirit of Chaos and he attacked me calling me Slaan...oh, oh dear.”
“Did you say something to make him think you were going to hurt him?” Fluttershy asked, raising an eyebrow at him eloquently.
“Well...maybe a bit, accidentally,” Discord said, standing up a bit. “James, I said I was the ‘Spirit of Chaos,’ not a ‘God of Chaos.’ You have nothing to fear from me, besides, if I wanted to eat your soul I’ve already had plenty of chances.”
“That’s not being very reassuring, Discord,” Fluttershy said, and the fact that Discord actually seemed chastened by that comment slowed my pulse rate down from the racing scream it had been at for the past few minutes.
“Everything okay?” Derpy said, coming back in. My grey friend took one look at my face and wrapped me up in a full body hug. “It’s okay. I brought Fluttershy because she’s Discord’s friend, and mine too.”
I gulped a bit, trying to get my mental house back in order. I didn’t even bother to protest when I felt Derpy tighten my collar again and secure it. The juggernaut called Fluttershy walked over a moment later and looked me right in the eye again, but this time without whatever power it was that she possessed over others.
“Hello, I’m Fluttershy,” the mare said to me, all soft words and shy glances now. “I don’t think we’ve met before. How about we all sit down over some nice calming tea.”
A few minutes later the four of us were sitting around the desk in Discord’s office sipping tea. It had been explained to me that Discord was a reformed Spirit of Chaos and that the now shy, but lovely mare pouring the tea was the pony responsible for reforming him. I’d heard of Fluttershy before and had wondered why Discord had been worried about her opinion. Having met Fluttershy and her force of will now, I understood perfectly.
“Okay, first off, sorry for that freak out earlier, Sir,” I said to Discord, huffing out a breath. “But I really thought for a minute there that I was doomed.”
“You were overdue for a ‘freak out,’ James,” Discord said, waving off my worries, “and besides, a little as a few years ago you would have had cause. After all, I was known as the Purveyor of Pandemonium, the Lord of Lawlessness, the Earl of Turmoil, the Bringer of Bedlam, the Master of Madness and the Avatar of Insanity, among other things.” I just sat there and gaped as my employer rattled off his former titles.
“Jimmy, my boy,” Discord said, chuckling. “You’re going to catch flies if you leave you mouth hanging open like that.” I closed my mouth with an almost audible snap.
“He used to be very scary,” Fluttershy said, putting a hoof on my foreleg to reassure me, “but he’s really a very good friend now.”
“Um,” I said, absorbing that for a moment, before deciding to make all this craziness worth it. “Okay, fair enough. Anyway, as for the question that started this bit of mayhem. Why are you doing all this?”
“I’m reformed, James,” Discord said, pulling Fluttershy to him and giving her a big hug. “I’ve promised to be on my best behavior here in Equestria for my dear Fluttershy, but it means that I’ve neglected certain balances I’m responsible for in the universe. Balances that can only be restored by dropping little bits of order and chaos at the right times, in the right places, in the universe.”
“I made Discord promise that he would find a way to take care of his job without hurting anyone,” Fluttershy said, bestowing a radiant smile on my boss, who literally started to glow a bit.
“Which is where you come in, Jimmy,” Discord said. “Your job as a courier is to deliver those little bits of order and chaos to places that need them. For which I’m already paying you a substantial amount, so that I can stay here in Equestria and keep my promise to Fluttershy.”
“Well, I guess that makes sense, in a weird sort of way,” i said, taking in a last sip of tea. “Sooo, we still good for today’s run?”
“Indeed we are, Jimmy my boy,” Discord said, clasping his hands together happily. “Why don’t you and Derpy head down to the departure area while I get your first package ready.”
“Okay,” I said, getting up from the table, Derpy following in my wake. We walked down to the departure/arrival area, which was a long rectangular space with a high ceiling and floored with wood chips. The area was about fifteen or twenty feet wide and there were doors along the side opening into the area. One was labelled “Infirmary,” another “Deliveries,” and a third was oddly titled “Diplomacy.” Derpy caught me staring at that one.
“It’s for one of the princesses to use in case any non-Equestrian happens to come through,” Derpy said, smiling. “That way we can work out something with them right away.”
“Ah, there you are,” Discord said, a pair of saddlebags held in one paw. “I have your delivery right here.”
“Sure thing, boss,” I said, getting my game face on. “What’s the plan?”
“Seeing as this is your first run, Derpy is going to fly cover for you to the destination dimension,” Discord said, and he made a twirling motion with a claw indicating I should turn around so he could put the saddlebags onto me. “She’ll make sure you get there okay, and will pick you up on the way back. Got it?”
“Got it,” I said, feeling confident as Discord put the saddlebags onto me and buckled them in place. “So, where are me and Derpy going?”
“Someplace you might recognize,” Discord said, snapping his talons and a door appeared in the wall at the far end of the room. It was a decent sized door, tan in colour and split down the middle with an oval shaped horizontal bar painted on it. I walked up to the door and read, “Captain’s Quarters” out loud off of it.
“You can’t be serious,” I said, blinking as I realized who and what was on the other side of that door. “I’m going there?”
“Can you think of a safer place to go for a first run?” Discord asked, grinning at my reaction. “Think of this as your own personal final frontier."
“Ha!,” I exclaimed, my face pulling into a grin. “C’mon Derpy, let’s make it so!”
The door at the end of the departure area slid aside with reassuring authority, and Derpy plunged through with me hot on her heels. As soon as I passed through the portal I found myself once again floating through that odd place in between dimensions. There were a hundred different names for where we were, but the important part of it was that there wasn’t any ground for me to run on. Derpy, being a pegasus, had no problems at all, simply spreading her wings and hovering, but I had nothing to ground myself on and found myself beginning to drift forward in a slow nose over tail roll.
“Um, a little help here,” I said to Derpy, who seemed content to watch me float for some reason.
“Time for some on the job training,” Derpy said, with a barely restrained giggle. “Why are you floating like that?”
“Because there’s no ground,” I said, trying not to grind my teeth in frustration as Derpy made me state the obvious. “I don’t have wings, so I can’t fly like you do.”
“James, I’m not flying,” Derpy said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“Sure you are,” I said, once again stating the obvious. “Your wings are flapping and everything.”
“I’m not flying, James,” Derpy repeated, like she was telling Dinky to set the table for dinner. “I just think I’m flying.”
“Say what?” I asked, with incredible brilliance.
“I just think I’m flying,” Derpy said. “It’s not like there is any actual air here to fly on.”
“Wait. Wait,” I said, still doing my impersonation of a ferris wheel. “If there is no air here, then how the heck are we breathing?”
“We aren’t,” Derpy said, complete calm in her voice as my stomach dropped in a manner that had nothing to do with my motion. “We just think we are.”
“We… think we are,” I said, my brain blanking as it hit a brick wall. Derpy saw my expression and giggled.
“We aren’t even really alive here,” Derpy said, still giggling. “Discord explained it to me. We are outside of reality, but because we are from reality our minds make a reality for us, and that means breathing and flying and, most importantly for you, running.”
“Hang on,” I said, wrapping my head around the concept at last. “You’re telling me that we are in the dimension of the mind. That I can do whatever I think I can.”
“Yup!” Derpy confirmed with a cheerful yip.
“All right then, give me a sec here,” I said, starting to pinwheel my legs as if I was running. After a minute my trajectory could still be best described as “ass over teakettle,” much to my disgust. “What am I doing wrong?”
“You have to think about what you want to happen too,” Derpy said, keeping station beside me with the effortless grace of her kind. “Once you get used to it, it will be second nature for you, but for now you need to find a way to concentrate on what you want to do just as much as actually doing it.”
“Huh,” I replied, my wittiness fading as I tried to think on a way to do what Derpy had advised.
There’s an old animated tv series called “Justice League Unlimited” and in one of the episodes, one of the characters has to literally run through space in order to do some big hero thing, but the upshot was he was running through space. I could use that scene. Picturing it in my head, I saw the one guy throw the other forward beginning his run. I saw it, pictured it, became it.
“Okay, let’s get this cosmic treadmill rolling,” I yelled out and began to move my legs with purpose, striking out into a trot. Almost immediately the fabric of this place responded to me, my hooves landing on a firm surface that had formed beneath me somehow, and moving with me as I strode forward. Derpy picked up speed as well and fell into formation beside me, our wing and hoofbeats blending into a drumbeat of motion.
“You got this, James,” Derpy said, pitching her voice a little louder, her misaligned eyes aglow with happiness at seeing me on the move. “I’ll stick with you as long as I can. Just remember to concentrate on your destination too.”
I nodded, saving my thoughts for concentrating on what I was doing and where I was going. I picked up speed, and with a burst of effort transitioned directly from a trot into a slow gallop. I kept replaying the scene from the show in my head, letting the hero theme swell in my internal jukebox, picturing myself running past planets and stuff, toward a high tech door. I picked up even more speed, swerving around obstacles and things that appeared in our path with almost no real effort.
“You’re doing great, James!” Derpy yelled to me over the sound of our combined motion. “The portal is just ahead, good luck!”
I looked up from the full gallop I was in and saw that Derpy was right. The pathway that I had conjured up through the power of my imagination, had reached out ahead and was connected now to a twin of the door that the two of us had left through. I put on one last burst of speed and hit the portal with a cry of, “Here’s Johnny!”
There was a sense of impact, a flash of light and I felt the door give way and for a split second I was assaulted with a burst of brightness and sound that reminded me of my initial entry into Equestria. Only for me to crash full on into something soft and yielding that gave a startled, “What the--oof.”
I blinked, shaking my head to clear my vision so I could check out my surroundings. I was in a corridor with soft pastel walls, a line of black plastic about a foot wide ran parallel to the floor about halfway up. The corridor as a whole was lit by panels that shed a light that was easy on the eyes, once you got used to them. There were doors every ten to fifteen feet or so and the whole thing was carpeted, but as I looked down I realized I wasn’t on the carpet. It seemed my rather abrupt entry had catapulted me into a young woman, who I had flattened and on whose body I now lay. Were I in my human form, we would be in a somewhat compromising position.
“Hey there, little guy,” the auburn haired woman said, reaching up to rub one of my ears as I lay stretched over her uniform covered body, my forehooves on her shoulders, my lower torso almost too low on hers for decency. Once again, my mind was assaulted by the now familiar liquid honey sensation of a really good ear rub melting pony synapses, and I leaned into the caress with a hum of appreciation.
“Aww,” said the woman as her hand continued to melt my brain. “You are such a cutie. Did you run away from your owner?” That kicked started my brain back into functioning. If I didn’t say something, and fast, I ran strong odds of winding up on a leash while someone looked for my non-existent owner.
“Sorry, but I’m not a pet,” I said, as calmly and in as non-threatening of a manner as I could manage, which gathered the appropriate response.
“What the hell?” the woman shouted, rolling and throwing me off. I hit the far wall with a stunning impact and slid to the floor.
“Wait,” I gasped, a little dazed from the hit. “I come in--”
“Security,” the woman called, tapping a familiar badge on her chest. “Ensign DeCosta, intruder alert, deck eight, outside the Captain’s quarters.”
“Understood,” a deep gravelly voice said, as the black strip along the corridor suddenly started flashing red and a siren began to whoop a steady warning.
“Look, I’m just here to deliver a package,” I said, reaching around to my saddlebags.
“Security,” the woman said, a panicked look on her face as she backed away from me as fast as she could. “I think the intruder is trying to draw a weapon of some sort.” A flash of light appeared between me and the woman and I knew what that meant. I was boxed in, but it also meant everyone else was boxed out and that meant for the moment at least, I had a free hoof in things.
“Computer,” I said, reaching up and tapping one of the black panels. “What ship am I on?”
“You are onboard the USS Enterprise-D,” the computer informed me, followed by, “You are not an authorized member of the crew of this vessel. Please remain where you are.”
“Understood,” I said, noticing that the unfortunate Ensign DeCosta had gotten to her feet and was now sprinting away. “Please inform the approaching security team that I surrender and that I wish to speak with Captain Picard at the earliest opportunity regarding my release to Equestria.”
“Please confirm your stated intention is surrender to Federation authorities,” the computer dead-panned to me. “Also, there is no ‘Equestria’ in the Federation database.”
“Confirmed and understood,” I replied. “What should I do next?”
“Remain where you are,” the computer repeated. “A security team will arrive shortly.” With nothing else to do I plopped my butt down and checked to make sure the straps of my saddlebags hadn’t slipped and that the package inside was secure. All was well.
“State your name and intention,” said the rough voice I had heard earlier. Looking to my right there was a familiar looking face leading a diamond shaped formation of people holding weapons on me.
“Greetings Worf, son of Mogh,” I said, watching the klingon’s eyebrows shoot up as I named him. “My name is James Allens, Equestrian Postal Service, Pony Express Division, and I am here to deliver a package to your captain.”
“How do you know my name?” Worf growled at me, and I was glad there was a forcefield between us just then.
“The honour of Worf, son of Mogh, is a legend known even to my people,” I said, trying to butter the touchy klingon up a bit. “So please, take me to your leader.”
“I do not think so,” Worf said, a slight sneer on his lip telling me that he had recognized my flattery for what it was. “Computer, identify species of intruder.”
“Species unknown,” the computer said, causing Worf to blink in surprise. “Intruder is of unknown origin.”
“Hey,” I said, getting a little annoyed. “I’m not ‘Intruder,” I’m James Allens. You can call me ‘Mr. Allens,’ and I request to speak to your Captain.”
“Not until I am certain you are not a threat,” Worf growled. “You may not intend anything, but you could be carrying something you are not aware of that is intended to harm Captain Picard or another member of the command staff.”
“Wow,” I said, blinking and I could feel my tail twitching in annoyance. “Paranoid much there?”
“It is not paranoia if there actually are dangers to guard against,” Worf said, and things could have really gotten dark at that point but happily a saner head interjected at that moment.
“Lieutenant report,” said the welcome voice of the most British sounding Frenchman of all time.
“The intruder—” Worf began.
“Mr. Allens,” I interrupted. I was gonna be a part of this conversation, whether Mr. Woof wanted it or not.
“The intruder,” Worf repeated, giving me a glare set on deep-fat-fry, “a Mister Allens, appears to be a small furred equine w—”
“Pony,” I interrupted again. “Get it right, unless you want me to call you an upright ape with a lobster fused to your forehead.” Worf growled and tried to look intimidating at me. I wasn’t scared at all, not with a nice big forcefield between us anyway.
“The… pony,” Worf finally said, conceding the point to me, “has given their name as a ‘Mr. Allens’ and has requested to speak with you, Captain.”
“I see,” Picard said, and I could hear him clear his throat over the channel. “Mr. Allens, can you hear me?”
“Yes, Captain Picard,” I replied, as my inner fanboy tried not to die from a nerdgasm. “I can hear you just fine.”
“I have to admit I would like you to answer a few questions for me,” Picard said, his even voice sounding open but revealing nothing. “Not the least of which is how you managed to board this vessel while we are travelling at warp speed.”
“I would be happy to answer all your questions, Sir,” I said, trying to sound respectful, seeing as Picard was a customer after all. “I’m a courier with the Equestrian Postal Service, and I have a package for you.”
“I’m afraid I don’t recall ordering anything from… Equestria, was it?” Picard asked, digging not so subtly for information. “What is in the package?”
“I’m just the courier, Sir,” I said, in my best customer service voice. “But to the best of my knowledge the package isn’t anything hazardous to you or your ship, and besides I’m not rated to carry dangerous goods yet.”
“I see,” Picard said, and I could hear the gears turning in his head while he thought things over.
“If it helps, Captain,” I said, looking at Worf. “I’m willing to place myself under armed guard. I’m sure Mr. Woof here would be more than happy to keep an eye on me.” I heard a snort of laughter in the background, mixed with a growl from Worf in the foreground.
“Very well, then,” Picard said, coming to a decision. “Mr. Worf, bring Mr. Allens to the bridge conference room.”
“But sir,” Worf protested, instantly. “He could be carrying a bomb, or a plague. He could be a bomb or a plague.”
“I have faith in your abilities to prevent such an occurrence, Mr. Worf,” Picard said, calming his security chief. “I’m also sending Dr. Crusher to meet you at the turbolift so that she can scan our visitor for any obvious issues.”
“Very well, Sir,” Worf said, and I tried to avoid smiling to rub my victory in. “Computer, drop forcefield.” There was a flash of light and Worf held his weapon very steadily at my chest.
“Lead on, Mr. Woof,” I said, unable to resist needling the klingon just a bit. “I’m afraid I don’t know the way.”
Worf just growled and beckoned me to follow him. As I did, the rest of his detachment moved in around me flawlessly, weapons at the ready. In hindsight, I probably could have handled things better, maybe been more mature, or maybe not have poked at Worf, but dammit, I was on my way to see Captain freaking Picard. There was no way I was going to let Starfleet’s version of a spartan warrior get in the way of that.
We walked along in silence for a minute or two while I contemplated what I could do better next time, while following behind the big guy in front of me until we came to an abrupt halt outside what I assumed were the doors to the turbolift. Sure enough, the doors swooshed open and the blue clad, red-haired form, of Dr. Beverly Crusher came out to meet us.
“Hello there,” she said, getting down on one knee so she could look me in the eye, a genuine smile on her face. “You’re certainly something different.”
“Pleased to meet you as well, Dr. Crusher,” I said, smiling and holding out a hoof. Everyone around me froze, except for Crusher who moved her scanner thingee around my offered hoof in a circle.
“Keratin based hoof, hair and follicles using classic protein structures, extremely dense musculature,” Crusher said absently, looking at the readouts on the tricorder her scanner was connected to. “But on a deeper level. I’m picking up trans-phasic DNA, quantum mitochondria, even traces of subspace radiation in his fur.”
“Move away from the creature, Dr. Crusher,” Worf said, pleased that apparently I was more than what I seemed.
“You aren’t a natural creature, are you?” Crusher said, completely ignoring Worf and not moving an inch. “Someone made you, didn’t they?”
“I was born human,” I said to Crusher, lowering my hoof. “I was changed into this a couple of weeks ago so that I could work in my job as an inter-dimensional courier. I’m not dangerous to anyone here, am I?” After all, it wasn’t like Discord hadn’t screwed up before with things about my transformation. It would be just my luck if something about my pony nature was dangerous to the Enterprise.
“No, you aren’t dangerous to anyone,” Crusher said, putting a hand on my shoulder and making me feel a lot happier, “But I would love to meet whoever designed your body, it’s like the work of an insane genius.” Crusher didn’t know it, but she had pretty much just described Discord perfectly.
“Dr. Crusher, move away from the creature and I will escort him safely to the brig,” Worf said. “The captain can meet him safely there.”
“I don’t believe you were listening, Mr. Worf,” Crusher said, and her voice was as sharp as a scalpel. “Mr. Allens’ physical form is unusual, even odd, but it is of no direct danger to the ship. Now, I suggest you follow the orders you were given. As Chief Medical Officer I’m giving him medical clearance to see the captain.”
“Very well,” Worf said, holstering his weapon and visibly disappointed he wasn’t going to get to disintegrate me. “It is against my better judgement, but you and the captain are my superior officers.”
“Thank you, Lieutenant,” Crusher said, getting up and motioning me into the lift car. “Let’s go see the captain.” I stepped in, closely followed by Worf, but not the rest of his security team, which he waved away.
“If you attempt any treachery,” Worf warned me, still paranoid as ever, “it will be my great pleasure to stop you.”
“Mr. Worf,” I said, deciding to take the high road for the moment, “if I attempt anything I will deserve the end such an act of dishonor would give me.” Worf’s eyebrows climbed at that, matching the lift as it began to rise.
“For someone who was a human not very long ago, you certainly move very well as a quadruped,” Crusher said, filling in the awkward silence of all elevators everywhere.
“Thank you, Doctor,” I said, replying with a smile for the memories. “I had to spend a couple of weeks in rehab learning how to walk all over again.”
“After you’ve made your delivery would you be able to come down to sickbay?” Crusher asked, and I could hear a touch of greed in her voice. “I’d love to get some detailed scans of your body.”
“Why Doctor Crusher, I don’t think I’ve ever been propositioned quite like that before,” I said, smiling widely to show I was teasing. “But I’m afraid not. After I make my delivery here, I have to head back to the depot and fill out paperwork.”
“Would it be alright if I take scans of you while you are here?” Crusher asked, and I nodded my assent as the lift slowed and came to a stop.
The doors opened and I stepped out automatically and froze, my wide eyes going even wider. There, laid out before me in all its glory, was the bridge of the USS Enterprise-D, complete with crew. Data, his golden eyes looking at and studying me. Riker, hovering over Data’s shoulder, his bearded face splitting into a grin as my cute appearance worked its magic.
“Counselor,” Riker said over his shoulder, to where I could see Troi sitting in her usual spot by the captain’s chair. “What do you sense from our little guest?”
“Determination,” Troi said, in her musical voice as I stood transfixed by the scene that a million Trekkies would have given their soul to be a part of. “That and a feeling of intense wonder and amazement.” Riker’s grin got even wider at that.
“The first look at the bridge of a starship can be a little overwhelming, can’t it?” Riker asked, stepping around the console and coming over to me. “How about we take you to see the captain, hmm?”
In a daze of wonder I nodded and let Riker lead me up the sweeping ramp toward the doors at the back. My neck must have looked like it was on a swivel I was rubbernecking so hard while trying to see everything. He stopped at the top of the ramp, lifting an eyebrow at the little entourage of Worf guarding me while Crusher scanned the holy heck out of my body.
“Something wrong you two?” Riker asked lightly, but I could hear the serious undertone in his voice.
“I told Dr. Crusher she could scan me while I was here,” I said, Riker’s question having brought me back to reality, “and Mr. Worf is making sure I don’t fart a quantum torpedo or something.” Riker chuckled at that.
“You’re being very accommodating,” Riker said, as the door opened and he led the way into the conference room.
“Equestrian Postal Service, Commander,” I said, following him in. “The mail must go… through.” My voice trailed off as I beheld the man himself, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, sitting calmly at the far end of the table.
“Hello, Mr. Allens,” Picard said, his voice warm with a note of cautious optimism. “I believe you said you had a package for me?”
“Um, yes sir,” I said, starting forward and walking around the table until Picard raised a hand, stopping me in mid-stride.
“While I have no doubt as to the sincerity of your task,” Picard said, still in that warm voice, “I have no recollection of requesting anything from an ‘Equestria’ or corresponding with anyone there. I’m not sure if I can accept a package which may, or may not truly be intended for me.”
“I believe I may be of some assistance in this matter, Captain,” Data’s voice said from behind me, and everyone turned to look at the golden eyed android as he stood in the entrance.
“If you can shed some light on this matter Mr. Data, please do so,” Picard said, tugging down his uniform top.
“Yes sir,” Data said, moving to stand beside me. “After observing Mr. Allens’ movements as he crossed the bridge, I did extensive scans of our image database in an attempt to find a match.”
“The computer already attempted to determine his species and failed,” Worf said, his face thoughtful. It looked a little weird on him.
“He told me that he is a transformed human,” Crusher chimed in with, “and that he has only been a quadruped for around two weeks now.”
“Indeed, Doctor,” Data said, nodding. “It was exactly those clues which enabled me to determine what and where Mr. Allens is from.”
“And that is, Mr. Data?” Picard asked. I was enjoying watching the back and forth too much to say anything.
“Mr Allens is a pony,” Data said, cocking his head. “More precisely, he is a ‘little pony’ from the fourth generation of the show, ‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.’ Mr. Allens, is not a real creature—”
“Hey!” I protested. “I happen to be very real. I’m just not from around here.”
“As I was saying, Mr. Allens is not a real creature from our reality,” Data continued smoothly. “I postulate that we are not ‘real’ either, in terms of his reality. We are likely fictional characters to him, just as he is to us. This would explain how he knows who we are, for instance.”
“So, should I accept the package he has for me or not?” Picard asked, clasping his hands together in front of him. “More importantly, does his presence indicate any sort of threat to the Enterprise?”
“I believe I can determine that by asking Mr. Allens a question,” Data said, before turning to look at me. “Mr. Allens, is Discord currently friends with Fluttershy?”
“Definitely,” I replied, almost instantly. “In fact, I’m pretty sure she wears the pants in that relationship.”
“Wears the pants…” Data said, murmuring and looking off to the side with a thoughtful expression on his face.
“It means they are the one in charge,” Riker said, grinning as he moved to take his own seat in the room.
“Oh, that is certainly an unusual idiom,” Data said, in reply to Riker. “However, it does mean that Mr. Allens and his package are likely of no danger to us or the Enterprise. In the canon of ‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” Discord is the only being who transforms others with any level of ill-intent, and then only until he is reformed by the character known as Fluttershy. If Mr. Allens is indeed from the time after that reformation, then there should be no difficulties with accepting delivery of the package.”
“Very well then,” Picard said, tilting his head toward me. “Mr. Allens of the Equestrian Postal Service, please give me my package.”
“Yes sir,” I replied, smiling as I walked the last few steps up to him. Opening up my saddlebags I removed the package I had travelled so far to deliver and passed it over to the captain, who accepted it gravely from me. It was about the size of a cereal box, wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with string. Picard turned the package over and over looking for some clue as to who had sent it.
“You have no idea who sent this?” Picard asked me, undoing the knots without snapping the string like most people would.
“No sir. Sign here please,” I said, holding out the clipboard I had also kept in my saddlebags. “I do know that I was sent here because my boss figured this was a safe run for my first time out.”
“Is that so?” Picard asked rhetorically, unwrapping the paper from the box after he signed off on the delivery, and as he did, a card fell away to land on the table. “Ah, this should provide some more answers.” Picard picked up the card, reading what was on it, as he did his face became a stoney mask as all emotion drained away. Without a word he passed the card to Riker who had begun to look at his captain with concern.
“Red Alert,” Riker called out, looking up after he had no more than glanced at the slip of cardstock in his hand, and the familiar red lights and klaxon of Starfleet’s flagship getting ready for the worst made themselves manifest.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, my ears flattening against my head in alarm. “What’s on the card?” Riker slid the card over to me and I read the words on it out loud, “To ‘Q,’ care of Jean-Luc Picard.” There was a sudden flash of light and I felt a new presence enter the room.
“Hello, Mon Capitan!” a merry voice that sounded just like Discord announced from behind me, and I turned around to face the omnipotent, the omniscient, the utterly scary, ‘Q.’
“Hello Q, I suppose you’re responsible for this?” Riker said, his voice holding equal parts dejection and anger as he gestured toward me.
“And who is this?” Q asked, smiling as he looked at me. “You’re not one of mine, that’s for certain.”
“I’m just the delivery pony,” I said, turning to go. “I’ll just be on my way now.”
“Not so fast, little pony,” Q snapped his fingers and I was brought up short as a bridle materialized around my head with the reins in Picard’s hand, of all people. “You’re a horseman, Jean-Luc. You should know how to deal with him.”
“He is a sentient being, and not a toy to be played with Q,” Picard said, anger touching his voice as he pulled me close to him via the reins and his fingers started looking for the bridle buckles. “I’ll have you free in a moment, Mr. Allens.”
“Besides Q,” Riker interjected, sliding the box over to the tall being. “He brought a package for you, specifically.”
“He did?” Q asked, surprised. “Now why didn’t I know that he’d done that? I’m omniscient after all.” Q snapped his fingers again and the bridle disappeared, causing me to fall against Picard who caught me in reflex.
“Why don’t you just take your package and go?” Picard said to Q, even as he steadied me. I looked up at Picard, catching his eye and nodding in thanks as I found my balance again.
“Let’s see what’s in it first,” Q said, popping open the top of the box and exclaiming in delight as he saw the contents. “Peanut butter cookies. Oh, they smell heavenly. Picard, you simply must have one.” Q held out the box over my head in front of Picard, who gravely accepted one and took a bite.
“These are rather good Q,” Picard said, making a noise of appreciation at the flavour. “But who would send you cookies, particularly cookies that you had no idea about?”
“A good question Picard. Once again, you impress me more than your fellows,” Q said, beaming like a professor to a particularly gifted student, before looking down at me and studying my uniform. “You’re from Equestria?”
“Yes sir,” I said, not wanting to annoy Q in the least.
“Ah, that explains it then,” Q said, smiling. “Cousin Discord sent me some of Fluttershy’s cookies. Oh, they are simply wonderful, you can just taste the magic of friendship in them.” Q snapped his fingers again and suddenly everyone, myself included, had a cookie sticking out of their mouth. I have to say, the cookie wasn’t just good, it was damn good.
“Discord is related to you?” Data asked, chewing on his cookie thoughtfully.
“In a way that you couldn’t possibly comprehend, but yes,” Q said. “He’s currently semi-retired to our young courier’s Equestria and we occasionally exchange gifts. Including the wonderful gift of the occasional surprise. You can’t know what a treat that is to an omniscient being.”
“Excuse me, sir,” I heard my mouth say, apparently having not gotten the memo from the self-preservation part of my brain that was screaming that Q could wipe us out with a snap of his fingers. “Before I go, is there any chance I could get a group photo of everyone on the bridge? Maybe signed, with you in particular, sir?”
“I can see why Discord has employed you, little pony,” Q said, leaning down and smiling at me. “Equal parts adaptation and audacity, with a firm dash of the sort of insanity that he favors. You’ve delivered to me a special gift, from a special friend. You will find what you seek and more on your return, but let me give you one word of advice before I send you on your way.”
“Um, what’s that?” I asked. My insides churned at the thought of getting a ‘gift’ from Q. I’d seen the show, and knew that Q’s gifts could be impossibly incredible, and they could also be a double edged sword that cut you before you knew it.
“More changes are coming for you,” Q said, his face turning serious. “Changes that you can’t even imagine now, that will strain your miniscule mind to its limits and test you as hard as anything I’ve given Picard here. Run with them as best you can.”
“Life is change,” I said, looking right back at Q, “and I have four hooves to run with now.”
“So you do,” Q said, his voice quiet but then rising back up to its normal volume. “I’ve taken the liberty of putting a return gift in your bags for cousin Discord. See that he gets it.”
Q snapped his fingers again and a flash of light enveloped me. Spots filled my vision and I blinked furiously to clear my eyes. When my eyes had refocused I saw that the Enterprise was gone and I was once again floating mid-dimension. A growing speck in the distance soon resolved itself into Derpy winging her way towards me.
“James!” Derpy called out as soon as she was within earshot. “How did it go?”
“Good, I think,” I said, starting to move my hooves to stabilize myself and re-establish my pathway back to Equestria. “I’ll tell you and Discord all about it, but let’s get home first.”
“That was completely awesome,” I burst out as I set hoof back in the depot, and was instantly hugged by Derpy who came through the portal about two seconds behind me.
“You did great, James,” Derpy said, bouncing up and down as she hugged me, then letting go as she saw our boss approaching. “Oh, hello Discord.”
“I take it things went well?” Discord asked, stepping close and carrying another pair of saddle bags over his shoulders.
“A few bumps,” I said, resolving to be honest. “Nothing I wasn’t able to handle.”
“Good, because I need you to go back out again,” Discord said, and my saddlebags unstrapped themselves and floated over to him. The pair he already had with him floated over to me and wrapped themselves around my barrel.
“Not that I really mind heading out again boss,” I said, pausing to breathe as the straps were cinched down. “But why so quickly? I thought you would want me to do some paperwork, talk about what I did, how to improve, that sort of thing.”
“Normally yes,” Discord said, and his usual smile became wider and wider. “But things change when you get a Royal Commission.” Discord moved aside to reveal the dark blue of Princess Luna, to whom I owed some very special debts.
“Princess,” I said, dropping to my fore knees in a bow. Most of the time my mouth tends to have a full clip of snark with a side load of wise-ass, but I’d seen the Princess of the Night in her element with her power wrapped around her like a cloak. She could be one scary mare when she wanted to be, and I’d made myself a promise from that point on to do my level best to stay on her good side.
“Rise, my young stallion,” Luna said, looking down imperiously at me before her muzzle split into a grin and moving her cold expression to one both warm and welcoming. “It is good to see thee coming into thine own.”
“Um, Thanks… Princess? Matriarch? Mistress? Mother?” I asked. I still really wasn’t certain what the relationship between me and the Mare of the Moon was. Sometimes she was wise and motherly, other times she seemed really flirty, and a few times she’d made me want to curl into a ball and cower at her hooves.
“Oh James,” Luna laughed, cupping a hoof under my chin and raising my eyes to meet hers. “I can see the questions you have. Thou art many things, my young stallion, but guarded in your feelings is not one of them. To you, I am all these things you have said, and none of them. As ever changing as the Moon I am, for it is my element. Use whichever term comes most easily to thy lips and as long as thou art sincere, I shall take no offense.”
“Okay, thank you… Princess, “ I said, standing before Luna. “So, my question still stands. Why do I need to head back out so soon?”
“As Discord has said, there are certain balances in the universe that must be maintained,” Luna said, still smiling although her eyes had become serious now. “I have foreseen that one of those balances is one that must come here, to Equestria. As opposed to the ones you will take to other worlds.”
“Following you so far,” I said, opening the new saddlebags to have a look inside. There were two parcels. One was a short cylinder of a box marked “Sugar Cube Corner," and the other was a round bundle that was unmarked except for the name of the intended receiver. One “Sonata Dusk,” to be precise.
“The packages you have are only the pretense for your travels, although they will be important to the recipients,” Luna said, her face being wholly serious now. “You are to accept any return messages you are offered however, for there shall be one of critical import.”
“Understood, Princess,” I said, sketching a salute. “I won’t let you down.”
“We know that thou will seek to do thine utmost to fulfill our command,” Luna said, giving me a nuzzle that caused me to quiver all the way down to the tip of my tail. “Now, stretch out thy right fore-hoof to Us, that We may grant thee a boon.”
That got my attention right quick. Luna doesn’t always use the old timey talk, but it leaks in enough to notice. The only time she goes full old-school is when she is getting all formal about something. So, I ducked my head, stepped back a pace and held out my hoof like I’d been told to. She clopped her hoof to mine, there was a flash of sparks as our shoes made contact, and my whole leg tingled.
“What just happened?” I asked, lowering my still tingling leg.
“We have granted thee, our stallion, with the boon of direction,” Luna said, still using her formal voice. “In lay terms we have ensorcelled the shoe upon thy hoof, so that it now bears a spell which will unerringly direct thee to your destination. Merely concentrate on to whom you need to reach and the spell will guide thee.”
“Wow, thanks!” I exclaimed, twisting my hoof so I could look at the shoe that was fused to it. “This is going to make things way easier.”
“Hey!” Discord protested, curling around Luna’s torso to look over her shoulder at my hoof as well. “I was going to do that for him a couple of trips from now.”
“I am sure you would have, Discord,” Luna said, and I could tell she was a little annoyed with being used as a ladder. “But I have chosen to give that tool to my stallion now. I’m sure he will use it… wisely.” Luna looked right at me as she said that, lifting one delicate ebon eyebrow, and I swore she was looking at me with a Natalie Dormer level smirk.
“Excuse me, Princess Luna,” Derpy said, stepping in between me and Luna. “We need to talk, you and I.”
“Uh oh,” Discord said, rapidly unwinding himself from Luna and pulling me aside. “Come along, James. We really need to get you going.”
“What is it that you feel the need to discuss, my little pony?” Luna asked, tilting her head as her ears swiveled forwards toward the grey furred pegasus.
“Something mare to mare,” Derpy said, with a hint of the steel in her voice I hadn’t heard since the day back in the alley, “and not pony to princess.”
“This really seems like something I should be here for,” I said, as Discord bodily lifted me up and carried me towards the exit portal. This time it was shaped like one of those things they put statues on top of.
“No, you shouldn’t, James,” Discord said, quickly double checking my bags for me. “Even I’m not crazy enough to get between two mares who are arguing.”
“What are your intentions toward my coltfriend?” Derpy demanded, and Discord threw me at, and through the portal.
“What in the holy hell was that all about?” I asked myself out loud, a moment later between dimensions as I brought myself under control. Discord’s head, just his head, popped into existence beside me a moment later.
“Take your time on this one, James,” Discord’s head said. “I’ll try to keep things—”
“How dare you attempt to infringe upon Our rights!” Luna exclaimed in the background, cutting off Discord, who cringed visibly.
“I’ve got dibs!” I heard Derpy yell right back. “I’ve shed blood for him!”
“I’ll try to keep things from getting explosive,” Discord said, his head fading away. “Make sure you pick up any return letters…”
I lost orientation for a bit as I tried to wrap my head around what had just happened. Were Luna and Derpy fighting over me? There was just no way that could be it. I mean Derpy was awesome and a great friend, but that’s all we were, friends. As for Luna, she was a freaking princess, and not just a different species but a different pony species to boot. There was no way, no way at all, that either of them could be interested in me in that way. Then, I thought back to all those quiet intimate moments me and Derpy had spent together, the hours lying in adjoining hospital beds talking about whatever came into our heads. We knew each other better than some husbands and wives did.
I thought about Luna, and her soft touches, the gentle nuzzles that sent chills down my spine. Her adoption of me into her herd, the continual referring to me as “her stallion,” how she had marked me as one of her own to protect me, and most of all I remembered the time she had brought me to a peak of pleasure so hard it had been agony. I felt something inside of me thrum with a need to feel that painful pleasure again.
“Crap,” I said out loud again, realizing that Luna, Derpy and I were going to need to have a long talk when I got back. However, floating through inter-dimensional space was neither the time or the place to dwell on things. Personal stuff was for personal time and it was time for work. So, once again, I mentally pictured myself as the Flash running through space toward the mounting block of a statue, and in what seemed no time at all I was bursting through the portal to another rough and bouncing landing in bright sunshine.
“Whoa nelly!” I heard a voice nearby exclaim. I blinked a few times, adjusting to the light again and looked up at an athletic long haired blond woman looking down at me.
“Oh, is he alright?” said a gentle voice to one side, and another young woman, looking a bit younger than me, gazed down with long pink hair framing her face making me realize I was lying on my back and looking up at the sky.
I groaned in pain as various body aches reminded me that rocks weren’t soft, and I'd rolled ass over teakettle along the ground after my emergence from the portal. The girls leaning over me didn’t seem hostile and I closed my eyes recognizing the soft touches the pink haired girl was using, as the same Nurse Redheart had used when she had checked me for injuries. My eyes shot back open however, when I felt something looped around my collar and snugged tight.
“No need to fright now, critter,” the blond haired one said, stroking my mane with one hand while holding the leash she had attached to me with the other. “Sometimes hurt critters will run ‘cause they’re scared. You check him out, Fluttershy, I’ll make sure he doesn’t go nowhere.”
“Thank you for your concern,” I said, taking a bit of pleasure in their shocked expressions, “but I’m fine. Just had the breath knocked out of me for a bit there.”
“You talk?” the pink haired one said, whose name I gathered was Fluttershy, just like Discord’s wife. “Like Princess Twilight’s dog Spike?”
“I don’t know any Spike,” I said, rolling to my stomach. “But I have met Princess Twilight. Do you mind taking off the leash, Ma’am?”
“Oh,” said the blond woman, looking a little embarrassed, and her fingers worked at my neck as she loosened and removed the improvised leash she’d put on me. “Sorry about that.”
“No harm done,” I said, getting to my hooves and brushing off my uniform. “You meant well and if I was hurt you and your friend could have made the difference for me.” Both the young women smiled at that, the pink haired one actually blushing at the compliment.
“So, what can we do you for? Name’s Applejack, by the way,” Applejack said, holding out a hand.
“I’m making a couple of deliveries for the Equestrian Postal Service,” I said, putting my hoof in Applejack’s hand and giving a shake. “Can either of you direct me to the home of a Pinkamena Diane Pie?”
“Pinkie?” Applejack said, tipping her hat back. “Ya, her place is down that ways about ten blocks, take a right, go about three blocks and look for the house with the big rock garden out front.”
“Okay, thanks,” I said, nodding in gratitude. I did have the direction spell on my shoe but I didn’t want to start relying on it until I had to, as Luna hadn’t mentioned if it had a duration or not, plus asking directions seemed like the sort of thing I should do.
“You want a lift?” Applejack asked, hooking a thumb over to a beat up looking pickup truck nearby. “It’s no trouble.”
“Nah, I’m good,” I said, smiling my thanks for the offer. “I’d better get going though.”
“You sure you wouldn’t like a drink at least?” Fluttershy asked, peeking out from her hair. “I’ve got some compressed alfalfa pellets too, if you’re hungry.”
“A drink would be nice, thank you,” I said, unable to resist giving her something to do for me.
Fluttershy smiled beatifically, and pulled a water bottle out of a well stuffed backpack, which she proceeded to open and hold up to my mouth. I sucked back about half the bottle and nodded my thanks.
“Appreciated, ladies,” I said, letting both of them run their hands over my mane for a bit. They were both cute, kind and who was I to tell pretty girls they couldn’t run their hands over me while commenting on how soft my fur was? “If I’m back this way, I’ll take you up on that snack.”
“Take care, pardner,” Applejack said. “You ever need a place to bed down you just come my way. Any friend of Princess Twilight’s is a friend of ours.”
“Thanks,” I said, heading off at a walk, before switching to my trot. It wasn’t a bad idea, having a place to rest out in the field. The actual Pony Express had way stations along the routes, places where riders and horses could eat, drink and rest up a bit. Maybe Discord would be open to similar for our version.
I moved along down the streets at a good clip. Long Strides had certainly been right about how well a trot ate up terrain and I was closing in on my destination within minutes. To my surprise I hadn’t really gained much attention as I headed toward my first drop off. Certainly the people, and the beings here did look like people, were of a huge variety of colours and shapes. It might explain why a brown furred pony wearing a uniform and carrying saddlebags while trotting through town wasn’t causing more of a furor.
I mentally shrugged off trying to figure out why people here weren’t freaking out about me. Princess Twilight had obviously been here, so maybe people were just used to seeing ponies. My thoughts cut off as I turned the corner and saw one of the most incredible rock gardens I’d ever seen.
When people think of rock gardens they think of round gray shapes in pleasing patterns. Maybe some moss here and there, perhaps a burbling little stream. At least, that's how I thought of what a rock garden looked like. This rock garden covered the entire front yard of the house, and was set up with patterns of colour and crystal. Sunlight gleamed as it was coloured and reflected toward a large, oval shaped boulder in the center that seemed to hold the whole thing together.
I wasn’t sure what the composition of that massive stone was, but I could see that small openings had been opened up for reflected light to enter and newly coloured light leave to spray patterns against the house and back out into the rock garden itself. The whole thing was a web of coloured sunlight that must have taken a genius level geologist or rockhound to create. Keeping my mind focused though, I walked up to a side door of the house and rang the doorbell.
“Hello?” the young woman who opened the door said. She looked back and forth above my head before looking down and seeing me.
“Hello there,” I said, smiling a professional smile. “Equestrian Postal Service—”
“Oh god,” the woman said, hiding her yellow and red haired face in her hands. “This is it, isn’t it? My official notice of exile from Equestria.”
“What?” I asked, surprised at the woman’s response. “Um, is your name Pinkamena Diane Pie?”
“Wait,” the woman said, looking back up. “You don’t have anything for me? Sunset Shimmer?”
“No Ma’am,” I said, opening my saddlebags to pull out what I was pretty sure was a cake. “This is addressed to a ‘Pinkamena Diane Pie,’ is she at this address?”
“Sugarcube Corner,” Sunset said, reading the top of the box in a hushed tone before giving herself a shake. “Yes, Pinkie lives here. I can sign for the package.”
“Excellent,” I said, as I hoofed over the box, and I noted that this Sunset person was taking pains to make sure she never actually touched me. She signed my clipboard and put the cake down before turning back to me.
“Do you have any spare time?” Sunset asked, twirling some of her hair in her fingers. “I’d like to send a letter back to Equestria, if that’s okay?
“Actually, Ma’am,” I said, as I tucked my clipboard back into my saddlebags, “you’re in luck. I’m actually under orders to pick up any return mail that anyone might have. I can afford to wait for a bit.”
“Oh, good,” Shimmer said, and I could see she was a little nervous. “I’ll try to make this quick. You want to come in for a minute while I write?”
“Sure,” I said, stepping into what was clearly a bottom floor apartment that was very sparsely furnished.
“I’d offer you a place to sit, but I really don’t have much in the way of furniture yet,” Sunset said, putting my delivery onto a kitchen island and grabbing paper and pen from a nearby backpack. “Anything I can get you while you wait?”
“I’m good, Ma’am,” I said, keeping up my professional demeanor. “I can just sit on the floor. One of the benefits of being a pony as opposed to a human.”
“You’re not a pony?” Sunset asked, and I could hear the scratching sounds of pen on paper as she started to write.
“I’m a pony now,” I said, tucking my hooves underneath me in a comfortable resting position. “I was a human, until I answered an ad that’s taking me a little further afield than I ever expected.”
“That sort of thing will happen when you mess with magic,” Sunset said, writing quickly enough that she was already reaching toward a second sheet of paper. “I know I had a bit of a transition problem when I came here from Equestria. You have any family here you would like me to let know how you’re doing?”
“Thanks for the offer,” I said, smiling at the kind gesture, “but this is actually not my home dimension. It’s a nice one, but my home is a lot plainer and rougher than this place.”
“You have anyone back home missing you?” Sunset asked, after a few minutes had gone by. She’d lit a candle at some point and was using the melted wax as an old fashioned seal on three rolled up cylinders of paper she had made. Her letters, I assumed.
“Just my parents,” I said, getting up and walking over to her. “But I don’t live at home and they won’t start worrying about me for a bit. I should be back for a visit before that happens.”
“Okay,” Sunset said, holding out her three letters. “One is for Princess Celestia, the other is for Princess Twilight and the third is for Starlight Glimmer.” I held open the bag her package had come in and she obligingly dropped the letters in.
“Thank you very much, Ma’am,” I said, buckling the flap closed on the bag. “I’m heading back to Equestria after I make my next delivery.”
“When do you think you will be back this way?” she asked, walking me to the door.
“To be honest, I have no idea,” I said, and I saw her face fall a bit at that. “I’m sorry. We just started doing this and I have no idea if we’ll be doing regular runs or what.”
“Okay,” Sunset said, nodding as she held the door open for me. “Well, I’m glad I had at least this opportunity to write home. If you do wind up coming back, swing by and I’ll probably have something else to write.”
“No problem,” I said, stepping back out into what felt like early afternoon sunshine. “Have a good day.”
“You too,” Sunset said, and closed the door behind me.
I walked out past that incredible rock garden again and headed out into the street before stopping cold. Where the hell was I going? Circumstance had led me to my first delivery but how was I going to find my second? I was in a strange world, knowing no one and nobody. Well, that wasn’t quite true. Applejack had offered me a place to stay, but like a typical male I hadn’t asked where her place was. I kicked at a stray rock in frustration and the clang of my shoe against stone triggered something I should have remembered.
“James, you can be such an idiot sometimes,” I said under my breath as I dug out my clipboard to read the name of the second delivery on my list.
“Sonata Dusk,” I read out loud, concentrating on the name like Luna had said to. “Sonata Dusk. C’mon magic, help me find Sonata Dusk.”
I must have been doing it right, because a moment later I felt a tugging on my right fore-hoof. Holding my leg out I waved the hoof around like an idiot with a toy radar dish. I must have looked stupid as hell but the tugging sensation got stronger when my hoof was aimed in a certain direction, so I guess stupid is as stupid does. Direction obtained, I headed off at a brisk trot.
This time I was on the trot for quite awhile and every few blocks I stopped again to get a bearing on my destination, slowing me down even more. Thankfully, my hoof led me in a consistent path into a commercial area of town and I started getting a lot more looks and stares. At one point I even had a cop jump in front of me and go, “Stop” in a loud voice.
“Hello,” I said, thinking fast and speaking in a neutral voice as I came to a stop. “I am an autonomous drone on a field test in self-navigation. Please do not interfere in the test unless it is an emergency.” I then stepped around the cop and continued down the street.
“Those kids over at Canterlot University sure take that horse mascot thing of theirs seriously,” I heard the cop say behind me. “All units, be advised. Calls regarding an unattended pony heading into the TimTam district of town should be directed to Canterlot U. Seems the kids are testing some kinda…” Whatever else the officer had to say faded out into the bustle of street sounds as I continued on my way, being careful to keep my movements as even as possible.
At long last I found myself in a commercial area of town that wasn’t quite upscale, and wasn’t quite run down either. Sort of an in-between, although the numerous gun and pawn shops gave me that wary feeling I’d felt before back home, when visiting East Side Pawn’s neighborhood. No one seemed to be looking right at me but I could feel more than a couple of appraising looks sizing me up. So, it was with some relief when the guide spell Luna had put on my hoof zeroed me in on a particular storefront.
“Canterlot Crops” read the sign over the door, and I made my way inside. As soon as I walked in the door I started getting nervous all over again. It was a sex shop, complete with racks and stacks of magazines, and a huge variety of things I’d only heard of, existing proudly displayed on the walls. This was truly a wretched hive of scum and villainy, I must be cautious.
“Can I help you?” said a pleasant female voice from over behind the counter. I peered around a stack of papers with mainly naked people on lurid, over top titles to see a slim, very pale woman looking down at me.
“Hi there,” I said, waving a hoof. “I know this might be a bit of a shock, but—”
“But you’re from Equestria, and you’ve come to find me,” the woman interrupted, the hair of her blue on blue ponytail bobbing up and down. She was super pretty, with a slim, well-shaped body with none of the attitude I would have expected from someone who worked in a shop like this.
“Yeah, how did you know?” I asked, approaching the counter. “That is, if your name is Sonata Dusk. If so, I’ve got a package for you.”
“A package, for me, from Equestria?” the woman asked. “Yah, my name is Sonata Dusk. You know, this is pretty lucky, I’ve written a letter I’ve been wanting to send back for awhile now. Can you take letters back?”
“Sure can,” I said, digging out my clipboard and the package for her. “Sign here please.”
“Okay,” Sonata said, taking the oblong package from me and signing my clipboard. “How long can you wait.”
“I’m pretty much open ended for time,” I told Sonata. “They told me to take as much time as I needed. I can likely stick around for an hour.”
The woman nodded as she began to rip open the package with a distinct lack of the style Captain Picard had shown when he’d opened the package I’d delivered to him. Wrapping was removed to reveal a bundle rolled up in what looked like black silk with a folded sheet of paper on it. Sonata paused in her cellulose slaughter and picked up the sheet of heavy, cream coloured paper. As she unfolded the parchment I caught a glimpse of elegant calligraphy written on it.
“To Sonata Dusk,” Sonata read aloud. “I am given to understand from a pony I trust, that you have taken up with my counterpart in your world, and that she has forgiven your past history. In that spirit, this package contains a gift for you which my counterpart should appreciate in the event we happen to share the same proclivities. Wear it in good health. Signed, Rarity of Ponyville, Canterlot and Manehatten. Postscript, if I learn that you have gone back to your evil ways and caused harm to my counterpart, Tartarus will not be deep enough to hide you from my wrath.”
“Well, that seemed a little direct,” I said, torn between seeing what was in the package and stepping back from someone who had “evil ways.”
“I wonder what she… oh,” Sonata said, unraveling the sheet of black silk to reveal a mass of slithering straps highlighted by the gleaming chrome of buckles and other hardware.
“What the heck is it?” I asked, drawing close in spite of myself. The whatever it was smelled of fresh new leather and there was a small box with it as well.
“It’s a bridle,” Sonata said, and I could hear the wonder in her voice. “It’s a bridle, but one made for a human.”
She held up the thing for me to look at, pale rose red, leather straps were joined together in a web that I could tell was meant to wrap around Sonata’s head. Each place where the straps joined there was a small silver seashell highlighting the spot, and along one of the broad straps there was a name embroidered in light blue thread.
“Twilight Serenade,” I read. I didn’t know jack about fetish gear, but even I could tell that the quality and manufacture of the bridle was the work of a master craftspony.
“I need to put this on,” Sonata said, coming around the counter. “I really need to know how this feels on me.” She strode over to the door and locked it, putting a sign on the door that said, “Back in 30 Minutes.” Sonata drew the front window blinds before heading back to me and the counter.
“What about your letter?” I asked, curiosity and other interests overriding what little good sense I had.
“Oh, I’ve had that ready to go for awhile now,” Sonata said, sitting down cross-legged beside me on the floor. “Put this on me, okay?”
“Uh,” I said, as my IQ began to drop for some reason. “You sure?”
“I can’t do this myself,” Sonata said, turning so her back was to me. “You’re a pony, you’re here and I need your help on this. Please?” Well, that pretty much was the end of my arguing, as I really never could say “No” anytime a woman asked for help. I’m kind of hardwired that way, so against my better judgement I grabbed the bridle and started doing my best to buckle it around Sonata’s head.
Sonata helped me as best she could, but I quickly saw what she meant by needing someone to put the bridle on her. It took us awhile to do it, but between hooves and hands we slowly got the thing in place, and her hair out of the way, except for the broad strap that went around her forehead that kept coming loose.
“You need to really cinch that one tight,” Sonata said, shaking her head, which was now elegantly framed by the mass of straps. “Reach up and have at it, I’ll tell you if it’s too much.”
“If you’re sure,” I said, and I reached up, leaning my torso against her back so I could stretch out my length and grab the end of the problem strap.
“Uhn,” Sonata moaned, while I pulled the bridle as tight as I dared. As I slipped the tongue of the buckle into a waiting grommet to secure it, Sonata suddenly bent forward and went on all fours. I tried to let go, but a lower strap on the bridle caught the underside of one of my horseshoes and made me part of the whole thing. Unable to get free, I was pulled forward as well, and was suddenly very conscious of the woman’s shapely rear pressing directly into my crotch. My body, thanks to Discord’s collar on me and absolutely no other reason, began to react appropriately, much to my embarrassment.
“Oh ya,” Sonata said, her voice going husky as her head was pulled back by my weight drawing back on the bridle strap. “That’s it. Breed—”
“Just what exactly is going on here?” asked a male voice from the entranceway that was filled with equal parts amusement and concern.
There was a man, standing in the doorway. Not a Redman, like you would read of as an old way to describe Native Americans, but a literal red man. His skin was a pale red, which contrasted well with the black slacks and tight white shirt he wore, but clashed terribly with his blue hair that was a match for Sonata’s. Sonata, who was still rocking back and forth with me dangling from her in more ways than one.
“Um, little help please?” I asked, and I could feel the heat coming from my cheeks.
“Sonata, you need to stop,” the man said, in a gentle voice as he walked up and I could see his eyes focus on my trapped hoof. “Sonata, your partner didn’t consent to this. You need to stop.”
“Don’t wanna,” Sonata said, her voice sounding like she wasn’t in the room with me and the other guy anymore. “Feels too good, he feels good.” My stupid body reacted a bit more to that. I tried to control it, but stuck as I was, I was along for Sonata’s ride, whether I wanted to be or not.
“Sorry,” I whimpered, my embarrassment growing and I turned my head away.
“Sonata, stop,” the man said, and his voice became firm. “You’re raping him.”
“What?” Sonata exclaimed, and froze as the man’s words finally penetrated Sonata’s lust hazed mind like a thunderbolt. “Oh no, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to.” Sonata started to get up, dragging me with her, but the man firmly put his hand on her shoulder and held her in place.
“Just stay there, Sonata,” the man said, nodding in understanding. “Your partner is caught up in that nice bridle you’ve got on, and he can’t get loose.”
“Nice save,” I said, feeling myself begin to calm down and more worried about Sonata than myself.
“Glad I was here to make it,” the man said, as he got my shoe disconnected from the bridle. “Name’s Spicy Hot, and you are?”
“James Allens,” I said, working my stretched shoulder a bit. “Equestrian Postal Ser—” The rest of my sentence was cut off as Sonata lunged over and hugged me to her.
“I’m sorry,” she cried, sniffling into my shoulder. “I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t mean to! I’m just a terrible person and I keep trying to be good and I just keep messing it up.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” I said, hugging her back. “Nothing major happened and it was an accident. I forgive you, okay?” “
“You sure?” Sonata said, still holding me to her. “I mean, really?”
“I’m sure,” I said, reassuring her. “It was an accident and to be honest, I should have known better.”
“You shouldn’t have had to know better,” Spicy said, and I could tell he was both relieved and a little angry. “Sonata, you’ve made a mistake today. A pretty big one.”
“I know,” Sonata said, her eyes downcast as she released me to sit kneeling on the floor.
“Where did you get that bridle from anyway?” Spicy asked, and I could see his own anger giving way to curiosity.
“It was a delivery for her,” I said, piping up. “That’s why I’m here. Delivery run.”
“So, this is what happens to people when they finish turning into ponies, eh?” Spicy said, looking at me speculatively.
“Pretty much,” I replied, and I put a hoof on Sonata’s shoulder. “Don’t be too hard on her, okay. It was a straight up mistake.”
“Maybe,” Spicy said, standing up to look down at me and Sonata. “But there do need to be some consequences. Oh, this has possibilities.” He reached over top of me and Sonata to grab a couple of things that had been left on the counter.
“What are you going to do?” Sonata asked, looking up at Spicy. “Whatever it is, I’ll take it. I messed up and I deserve it.”
“I’m not your master, Sonata,” Spicy said, his mouth quirking into a smile that looked good on him. “Your actual punishment will be at the hands of Rarity, but I think I can do something in the meantime. Close your eyes.”
Sonata did as she was told, kneeling at Spicy’s feet and I saw in his hand the small box that had come with the bridle. As he opened it I saw the gleam of metal as he reached in and began attaching silvery items to the piece of gear with several small clicks, which made Sonata gasp. After a minute he stepped back from her and I could see that the metal items were in fact several shell shaped locks which were now fastened in place, locking the bridle onto Sonata. She reached up and touched the locks for a moment, before a shy smile came to her face.
“This is more of a reward than a punishment,” Sonata said, smiling happily.
“I know that,” Spicy said, his own smile becoming wide now. “The keys stay with me until Rarity gets here and I have no doubt she actually will have a punishment for you. Now, as for you, my finely built pony. Are you okay?’
“I think so,” I said, flexing my hips to make sure everything was back where it was supposed to be. “Sonata here says she has a letter for me to take back.”
“She does, does she?” Spicy asked rhetorically, and he grabbed another item off the counter. With a couple of quick motions he clipped a set of reins to the bridle, dropping them so they lay against Sonata’s back. “Go get your letter, Sonata. We don’t want to keep this young man any longer than we have to.”
“Yes sir,” Sonata said, and in spite of myself my gaze locked itself to the butt that had been up against me a couple of minutes ago. “I’ll be right back.” As Sonata headed behind the counter and away to whatever was in the back areas of the store, Spicy turned and looked at me, quirking his eyebrow and smiling as he noticed I’d begun to “show’ a bit again.
“Young man, eh?” Spicy asked, to which I nodded. “Never been in a store like this?”
“No sir,” I said, shaking my head and taking a deep breath to bring myself back into control. “It’s a little intimidating to be honest.”
“Nothing to be scared of,” Spicy said, looking around. “Everything here is for the purpose of making people feel good. Either by themselves or with a willing partner.”
“Even stuff like that?” I asked, pointing to a wall nearly covered in various bits of bondage gear.
“Especially stuff like that,” Spicy said. “I noticed your reactions to Sonata, and I should let you know that she’s just gotten into a relationship. You know, considering you’re wearing a collar yourself I’m surprised you don’t know more about bondage gear.”
“It’s not for bondage,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat a bit again. “It’s a magic item, that’s all. But it’s got the side effect of making it hard for me to not react to female company when they're around.”
“You with anyone right now?” Spicy asked, his voice becoming concerned for me.
“I’m not sure,” I said, thinking back to the mayhem I had left behind at the depot. “There are a couple of mares I know. I owe both of them a lot, and they’re both good friends to me, but I think they might want something more.”
“Are you able to give them more?” he asked, and I got the feeling I wasn’t the first person or pony he’d talked about sex with.
“To be honest,” I said, clearing my head. “I don’t know. Maybe? I’m just starting to wrap my head around the idea that not one, but two mares might actually want me.”
“A good answer,” Spicy said, nodding his head to me. “And an honest one. It sounds to me that one way or the other you might be in a physical relationship soon. You ever had one before?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed, sputtering. “I’ve been with girls before. Lots of times.”
“Be honest with me, son,” Spicy said, his smile an understanding one. “How many have you been with, and do you know if you’re gay, straight, or whatever it is you prefer?”
“Two,” I said, in a small voice, “and I’m straight, but I’m trying to not be narrow about it.”
“Even better,” Spicy Hot said, clasping me on the shoulder. “Tell you what. In thanks for being so understanding about what happened with Sonata, go ahead and pick yourself something from the store. On the house, just tell your mares where you got it from. That’s all I’ll ask in payment.” I looked around at the bewildering variety of items on display.
“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” I said, trying to puzzle out what some of the things I could see were for.
“Tell you what, my young pony friend,” Spicy Hot said, and his smile became something wide and pleased. “Would you be willing to trust me to put together something of a surprise goodie bag for you?”
“You know,” I said, standing up and smiling back. “You got me out of what could have been a bad situation, go for it.”
“You won’t regret it,” Spicy said, and grabbed up an opaque plastic shopping bag. “Now don’t look, or there won’t be much of a surprise.” I turned my back, listening to Spicy Hot hum to himself as he went along his shelves. As I waited, I could hear him say things like “Oh, this is nice” and “He will definitely need some of this,” and once he gave a throaty chuckle that almost made me turn around. He was still at it when Sonata came back out, the locks on her bridle making chiming sounds as they swung back and forth.
“Here you are,” she said, handing me a very thick envelope that was labelled “My Confession and Apology to Equestria.”
“Sonata,” Spicy Hot called from where he was. “Can you grab me one of the ‘Treasure Chests’ from the rack.”
“Sure thing, boss,” Sonata said, stepping past me. “Who is it for?”
“Our young courier here,” Spicy said, from behind me. “Turns out he could use a few things.” I heard Sonata gasp as something rattled off the shelves.
“Are you sure he could handle one of those?” she asked Spicy. “I mean it’s nice, but wow.”
“That will be up to either of his mares,” Spicy Hot said, and I heard something close with a distinct snap.
“Either?’ Sonata asked, a bit of a giggle in her voice. “Oh that poor lucky stallion.”
“You can turn around now,” Spicy Hot said to me. “Your package is ready.” I turned to see him holding a small wooden chest that was about eight to ten inches a side and about six deep. As he handed the box to me I could see it had a small lock on it.
“This is too much,” I said, protesting as I heard several items in the box slide round. “I mean a couple of things would be nice, but this is over the top.”
“Ah ah,” Spicy Hot said, waving a finger at me. “Your understanding and forgiveness to Sonata earned you that and more. Plus, there are a ton of business cards for the shop in there as well. Your ‘Equestria’ could be an entirely new untapped market for me, so I can write it all off as advertising expenses.”
“Wow, thanks,” I said, knowing there was no way I could give the chest back as I stowed it in my saddlebag. “Well, guess I better get going.”
“Safe travels pony,” Spicy said, shaking my hoof.
“Tell the Princesses that at least one of the Sirens is sorry for her past,” Sonata said, kissing me on the forehead. “May your hooves always find the way home.”
“Until we meet again,” I said in farewell, and touching the medallion on my collar, I thought of Equestria and summoned the portal home.
It was with more than a little apprehension that I crossed back through the portal and into the depot. Looking around, things were surprisingly calm. No smashed desks, no blood, no feathers, not even a single pony shaped hole smashed through a wall anywhere. There was nothing at all to indicate that I had left a growing shitstorm of epic proportions behind me. Which is when I realized that there was absolutely no one else in the departure area either.
“Hello,” I called into the empty area, and my voice echoed off of the walls. “Anypony here?”
“Oh James,” Discord said, his head popping out of one of the side offices. “Do you mind coming in here for a moment.”
“Sure thing, Discord,” I said, stepping into the side office. “Things seem… peaceful.”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Discord said, sitting on the ceiling and looking down at me. “Also, thank you for the present from cousin Q.”
“Oh, sorry about that, Chief,” I said, grabbing a cup of coffee. “You spun me around so fast after I got back that it went completely out of my mind.”
“Oh, I completely understand,” Discord said, nibbling what appeared to be another of Fluttershy’s awesome cookies. “Q put a few very nice presents for both of us in your bag.”
“Ya, about that,” I said, and I noted that both of us were tap dancing around the elephant in the room. “What is the office policy on gifts outside of delivery items?”
“As long as it’s something that’s truly freely given, it’s all yours,” Discord said, pulling the saddlebags I’d worn on my first run out of thin air. “Ah, here you go.” Discord handed me a photo of the Enterprise’s bridge crew, at their stations. On the back was an autograph from each person on the photo, but not that of the actors who played the parts I was familiar with. Rather the signatures were those of the actual Captain Picard and the others I'd met.
“Awesome,” I said, smiling appreciatively. “What did Q give you?”
“A spell matrix,” Discord said, harrumphing a little. “He gave me a spell matrix that I should be able to use to make you a new, better collar with. Oh, and this is yours too.” Discord reached into the bag, pulled out a large bundle and tossed it to me. Parts of it clinked as I caught it.
“What is it?” I asked, even as my mind noted it’s similarity to the package I had delivered to Sonata.
“I didn’t open it,” Discord said, pouring himself a cup of coffee as well. “In fact, there was a note on it saying that you shouldn’t open it either until you are with someone you care about.”
“Really,” I said, cocking an eyebrow. We just sat there for a minute or two, me sipping my coffee, Discord sipping at his coffee cup and not the contents. The silence kept stretching out longer and longer and finally I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Okay, dammit,” I said, and my voice sounded hard, even to me. “What in Tartarus happened between Luna and Derpy?” It was a good thing that question rocked Discord back a bit, because it meant he didn’t notice how surprised I was at my choice of words as well. When did I start using the phrase “What in Tartarus” instead of “What the hell?” Discord’s reply though shifted that topic to the back burner though.
“Things got a little heated between them,” Discord said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I finally managed to calm them down by telling them that they really shouldn’t make any decisions about you unless you’re there.”
“Didn’t I say that I wanted to be here for that?” I asked, and I tried to control my voice even as I felt my anger rise. “I wanted to be here but you shoved me back out the door at pronto speeds. Where are they now?”
“Back at Derpy’s place,” Discord said, flinching a bit away from me. “They said they would talk and wait until you got back.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place instead of keeping me here?” I asked, putting down my now empty coffee cup and shoving Q’s package in beside Spicy’s box in my saddlebags. “I need to get going.”
“James, I got you out of a volatile situation. Luna and Derpy were able to calm down because you weren’t there to argue over,” Discord said, holding up a paw to stop me for a moment. “They’re now at Derpy’s home where there is a small filly. Both of them are going to be strongly motivated to stay civil to each other.”
“You’re right,” I said, deflating and letting my shoulders slump. “Sorry about the attitude. What do you think I should do?”
“Go there, and talk to them,” Discord said, tossing the coffee from the now drained cup into the trash. “Be honest with your feelings, and remember you’re in a position most stallions would kill to be in.”
“I’m not most stallions,” I said to Discord, as I put a hoof on the doorknob. “That’s why you hired me, after all.”
“True enough,” Discord said, a small chuckle coming from him. “Just try not to hurt their feelings. I need both of their goodwill as much as I need you.”
I nodded and pelted out the door and the building as fast as my hooves would carry me, into the late afternoon sun. Charging through the small streets of Ponyville, I guess I made quite the sight as I galloped along, my shoes sparking where they struck the occasional flagstone. It was a testament to Long Strides’ work that it took me barely ten minutes to reach Derpy’s home and I came to a stop out front with an almost audible “screech.”
Everything was quiet, too quiet, as I walked the few steps to the front door. It was a cliche, but I was a magical pony boy who worked as an interdimensional courier for a Spirit of Chaos who tended to play with the laws of physics like they were lego bricks. Cliche was a source of stability and comfort.
“Hi, James. Come on in,” Dinky said, opening the door just as I was about to. “I’m just heading over to Button’s for dinner. Seeya.” Any hope I might have entertained at just sneaking in was now well and truly blown as Dinky rushed past me, and off to her friend’s place.
“James, is that you?” Luna asked, from inside the house and I felt my heart splash into my stomach.
“It’s me,” I said, hunching my shoulders and making my way into the house. Everything seemed to be intact, just like back at the depot. Maybe Luna had thrown Derpy into the dungeon or something. She had the authority as a princess to do so, but then Dinky wouldn’t have been so happy.
“We’ve got fresh carrot muffins!” Derpy said, from the kitchen and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I decided there was no sense putting things off and walked into the kitchen.
“Hello James,” Luna said, in a perfectly calm voice as she sat at the table, muffin on a plate by her. Derpy was just settling down opposite her and there was a third place set for me, complete with muffin and a steaming cup of tea.
“Hi James,” Derpy said, her smiling face warming me, even as I noted that her ears were flicking back and forth. “We need to talk.”
Those four words have been the death of many a good man before me, and like all those other males, I was well and truly trapped in the situation. My only real recourse would have been to turn and run, which would have solved nothing. Besides, I cared for both of the ladies in front of me, and not just because they had done things for me.
“James?” Luna asked, shaking me out of my reverie, “art thou well?”
“I’m fine,” I said, putting my saddlebags on the table and sitting down. “The question is, how are we?”
“Reconciled,” Luna said, and then her voice became deferential. “Fair Derpy, may I explain things to our stallion?” That got a raised eyebrow from me. Up until now Luna had always called me “her” stallion.
“Go ahead, Luna,” Derpy said, with a nod as her ears went forward in interest. Which got another raised eyebrow from me as I sipped at my tea. When had Luna, Princess of Equestria, started deferring to Derpy, Mailmare Extraordinaire?
“Thank you,” Luna said, in that same polite, respectful tone. “James, what do you know of marriage in Equestria?” My spit take was a thing of beauty, as I launched the mouthful of tea I had just slurped up, in a surprise powered stupendous arc that carried it out a solid ten feet or so, directly into the kitchen sink.
“N-nothing,” I coughed out around the edges of what little of the liquid had stayed in my mouth. “What’s does marriage have to do with things?”
“I know you have only been in Equestria a short time, James,” Luna said, smoothing her expression into something neutral. “But I know you have noticed the disparity between the numbers of mares and stallions. Remember the nightmare that I pulled you out of.”
“Wait, it really is that bad? I thought that was just something I dreamed based out of cheesy sci-fi,” I asked, picturing the one mare in my dream who had been holding up sign saying, “Equestria needs Stallions.”
“There are four stallions for every six mares in Equestria,” Luna said, her ears drooping, “and it used to be worse. My sister created many social programs to encourage the birth of more colts, but as a species ponies will always tend to have more mares than stallions.”
“Okay,” I said, frowning in thought. “What does that have to do with the three of us and marriage?”
“Because of the disparity of numbers between mares and stallions, certain social conventions have risen into place,” Luna said, those expressive ears of hers going back in what I recognized as anger. “Conventions that pulled Equestria out of one of its very dark periods.”
“What happened?” I asked gently, and both Derpy and Luna wouldn’t meet my eyes for some reason.
“Stallions of that time… were viewed as property,” Luna said, and it didn’t take an empath to feel the waves of sadness and anger coming off of her. “And because the loss of a single stallion could bring about the end of a family line, stallions spent their lives in chains or cages so they could not be easily stolen, killed or simply used by rivals or enemies. To be sure, those poor stallions did lead a life of ease in their bonds, but they were viewed as simple chattel, being nothing more than tools used to create the next generation of ponies.”
“So, what that nightmare creature was showing me… “ I said, letting my voice trail off.
“Was an only slightly skewed view of Equestria’s past,” Luna said. “My sister was not always the attentive ruler she is now.”
“Why the hell not?” I demanded, feeling my blood rise on behalf of all those other stallions. “What could possibly have made her not pay attention to her own kingdom?
“Me,” Luna said simply, deflating even further, her ears now in a position I recognized as an expression of guilt.
“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to remember my primer in Equestrian history and failing miserably.
“I… fell, from grace,” Luna said, and Derpy took one of Luna’s hooves in her own in a gesture of comfort. “I sought to usurp my sister’s authority because I became jealous of her. because I desired the glory and honors others gave her. In my madness, I became Nightmare Moon and came close to destroying Equestria before my sister imprisoned me in the moon for a thousand years. The guilt of the necessity of what she did drove Celestia into a deep depression for many years.”
“Holy crap,” I whispered. Yes, I remembered Nightmare Moon from what I’d been told of Equestrian history, but no one had mentioned that the boogeymare from Equestria’s past was Luna.
“You are perhaps the only stallion in all of Equestria who knows of my past as a mere story and not something you directly experienced. So you trusted me, let me touch you, and you did so without fear of me or my power,” Luna continued. “Being that close to a stallion is a heady wine, and I sought to drink it to the dregs for the first time in a millennia. To the point where I have wronged you by accident, and must beg your forgiveness."
“Whoa, wait,” I said, my brain catching up. “How did you wrong me? You’ve been nothing but be protective and caring of me.”
“I did not realize it until valiant Derpy pointed it out to me, but I have been slowly trying to steal you away from her. Every touch, every time I addressed you as 'My stallion,' every smile I gave you, drew you more and more into my orbit,” Luna said, and to my surprise she got out of her chair to stand beside me. “I did not mean for it to happen, but the fact is that I was trying to usurp her place, much as I tried to usurp my sister’s a millennia ago. All I can do now is ask for your forgiveness, or at least understanding."
“I don’t see what you did as such a bad thing,” I said, because to be honest it didn’t sound like Luna had messed with me in any sort of bad way.
“Because of the things I have done for you and to you, you will always feel a bond towards me. You will never be fully free of my influence,” Luna said, and her eyes were beginning to sparkle with unshed tears. “I used my power and position to incline you towards me, because I wanted you.”
“Wanted me,” I said, stupidly echoing her.
“Yes, James. I wanted you,” Luna said, looking up and finally meeting my gaze. “I wanted you to cover me, to take me as a stallion takes a mare. My desire to feel physical closeness again blinded me to how I was influencing you.”
“So that night in the dream, when you said you didn’t like me in that way?” I asked.
“I was lying,” Luna said, dropping her gaze again. “I knew that you would not consent to being with me at that time, so I did what I could to ensure you would always be close to me, no matter where you were.”
“Have you lied to me about anything else?” I asked, keeping my voice even. Luna shook her head in the negative. “Fine, one last question then. Have you done anything directly to my mind to change how I feel about you or others?”
“No, of course not,” Luna said, shaking her head vehemently.
“Then there is nothing to forgive,” I said, smiling at Luna. “You tried to impress me, and keep me in touch with you, which is something almost anyone interested in someone else would do. If you need to hear it, ‘I forgive you’. Okay?”
“If you are sure,” Luna said uncertainly, as she got back up to her hooves.
“Oh sit down,” I said, gesturing toward Luna’s chair and bumping my saddlebags a bit as I did so. “Besides, I get the feeling there is more to this. Isn’t that right, Derpy?”
“Yup,” Derpy said, her good humour restored as Luna sat by her again. “I’ve got dibs, but I think Luna should finish telling you about it.”
“Yes. As I was saying earlier,” Luna said, pulling her tea close to her again, “certain social conventions grew out of those dark times. A way to ensure that stallions were not kept animals, while at the same time making sure that mares could be sure that they would not lose a chance at a promising stallion.”
“What does all this have to do with me?” I asked, mind working furiously. “Hang on a second. Does this have something with these ‘dibs’ you have Derpy? Dibs… on me?”
“Yup,” Derpy said, fluffing her wings out a bit before pulling them back in.
“Let me explain,” Luna said, sliding the conversation back to her. “The convention goes by many names. ‘First Attempt,’ ‘First Refusal,” and yes, ‘Dibs’ as well. What it means is that the first mare who has a significant interaction with a stallion who has come of age, has the right to be the first one to court him.”
“Court him,” I repeated, and my mind finally spun things into place. “So when Derpy and I fought those goons in that alley, she earned ‘Dibs’ on me.”
“Correct James,” Luna said, nodding. “What’s more, Derpy could have died from the wounds that she took on your behalf. Which is why she became rightly angry with me. She had earned the right to be the first one to try to have a relationship with you and my actions were bypassing that.”
“So, we’re engaged?” I asked, incredulous. “Or, I’m promised to her? Derpy, I like you. I mean, I really, really like you. But only as my best friend. Maybe one day—”
“It’s okay,” Derpy said, interrupting me. “It just means I have ‘dibs’. Nothing more than that, and it doesn’t mean you can’t choose somepony else if you find somepony you like. Just from the mare side of things, I get the first try. Unless you tell me to go away, that is.”
“Let me see if I’ve got this right,” I said, frowning in concentration. “If I want to take up with any other mares, I can, but if any mares want to take up with me, Derpy has first call.”
“Correct again, James,” Luna said, smiling. “Derpy has ‘dibs’, but she has also said that she is willing to share you… with me.”
My eyebrow rose again, along with certain other parts of my anatomy. It is a very bad joke but often true, that males have two heads but only enough blood to operate one at a time. Which is probably why my mouth engaged on its own, while my brain started playing fantasies of me twined around Luna and Derpy while bad saxophone music played in the background.
“So, that means I could have both of you with me,” my treacherous mouth said, while my brain was distracted. “If you were both willing, that is.”
“Do you want both of us?” Derpy asked, her eyes wide and her wings popping open with a slight "poomf" sound.
“Who wouldn’t? Both of you are completely awesome—” I began, jumping up and gesturing toward both mares.
As luck would have it, that was the moment when my saddlebags fell sideways under the impact of one of my waving hooves, and of course I hadn’t fully secured the flaps when I had charged out of the depot, and of course the contents of said bags fell onto the table in front of all three of us. Now this by itself wouldn’t have been a disaster, except it seems that Equestria also suffered under the God of Perversity, and Murphy, who is his prophet.
As the treasure box hit the table, a hidden catch on its side popped it open, spilling the very adult contents of the box directly under the surprised muzzles of Derpy and Luna. The open lid then caught the wrapping around the bundle Q had given me, and it tore open to reveal a slithering mass of white straps, gleaming chrome and colourful accessories.
For a long moment, absolute silence reigned, except for the tiny corner of my mind that was busy inventing new curse words to describe Q with.
I just sat there and stared as the table was covered in adult accessories. Packets of lube in a rainbow of different coloured packages, a box labelled “bullet vibe,” what I recognized to be a strap on dildo, two sets of some sort of rubber coated grippers connected by a chain, and a pink collar made out of either rubber or vinyl, complete with a leash ring.
“James, are you aware of the meaning of this item?” Luna asked, lifting the white mass of straps in her magic and unfolding it in front of us. It was an extremely elaborate bridle, I could tell that much by its resemblance to what I had delivered to Sonata. However where Sonata’s was elegant, this one was as flamboyant as all get out. It had what looked like small gems all over the upper straps, with a shaded fringe along the top one. The straps that were meant to run under the muzzle and head were lined with bells that chimed as Luna turned the item from side to side.
“I don’t have a clue, Princess,” I said, trying to control a rising anger inside of me by the realization I was being manipulated, yet again. “Why don’t you tell me what it is.”
“It’s a Saddle Arabian marriage bridle,” Luna said, her cheeks colouring slightly. “In Saddle Arabian culture, the bride and groom exchange bridles. During the ceremony reins are attached, linking the bridles and the ponies wearing them together as one. This is a stallion’s bridle.”
“Of course it is,” I growled out, gritting my teeth and both Luna and Derpy’s ears went back as my rage blew past my ability to keep it under wraps.
“What’s wrong?” Derpy asked, eyes wide in both surprise and fear. Fear both of, and for me.
Can’t you see it?” I demanded, as both mares looked from me, to the stuff on the table, to each other. “Some… asshole is playing with us. Playing with me, and I’ve had enough!” I could literally feel the steam coming out of my ears I was so mad, and I stalked out the door and into the early evening before I could cause any damage.
A few ponies tried to approach me as I walked along only to be repulsed by my glower, and the string of curses I was muttering under my breath. When I was thirteen, I’d read the “Letter from the Zaporozhian Cossacks” and I’d been impressed with the fact that curses didn’t all have to be four-letter words. From that point on in my life I’ve been interested in sharp comments and snarky retorts, to the point where I’d built up a fairly impressive line of curses. I’d gotten up to “swallower of sheep shit shakes,” when Luna finally caught up to me.
“James, what is wrong?” Luna asked, landing beside me with a worried look on her muzzle. “What is it about those items that has angered you so?”
“Go away,” I growled at her, as I reached the edge of town. There was a little stream there that should be a good place to find my mellow again. At the very least I could go soak my head until I cooled down.
“You will speak to me now, stallion,” Luna said, freezing me in my tracks as she gripped me with her magic.
“Let GO,” I shouted at her, squirming uselessly against her grip. “Please Luna, just let me go.”
“Tell me why at least,” Luna said, and I could see that her face held more concern than anger towards me.
“Because I need to calm down before I talk about this,” I said, reigning myself in just enough to think rationally. “If I don’t, I’m going to say things that will hurt two people I really like, and I don’t want to do that. Just let me go, and I promise I’ll come back in a bit. I… just. Just let me go for now.”
“Your word as a member of the Lunar Herd?” Luna asked, cocking a suspicious eyebrow at me. “Do not make me chase you down.”
“My word on it,” I said to her, nodding. “Just give me a couple of hours, okay?”
“I will hold thee to thy word,” Luna said, setting me back down and releasing me from her magical vice-grip. “I will await thee, with fair Derpy at her home.”
I nodded and stalked off, wanting to just get away so I could smash something. It took me awhile but I finally found a patch of stream near a pond, and spent a good chunk of time venting my anger on a fallen log and kicking rocks into the pond. By the time I could think clearly again the log was essentially long splinters, and every rock for about twenty feet around had been tossed into the pond, with prejudice.
“Wow,” said a female voice from behind me, “and they call me a pony with a bad attitude.”
“Who the hell are you?” I asked spinning around and trying to spot the speaker in the gloom of the early evening.
“Easy there, fella,” said a pony, coming around a tree to face me. She was a small cute unicorn, with fur so brown it was almost black, shot through with orange highlights that matched her mane, tail and the feathers of her wings. Something twigged at me about that but I couldn’t quite place it, so I decided to cover myself with some well placed aggression.
“Like I said,” I growled, taking an aggressive stance. “Who the hell are you?”
“Look buddy,” the newcomer said, dropping her forequarters low and flaring her wings in a matching display of aggression. “Chill out and calm down, before I have to take you down. I just want to talk.”
That took me a bit by surprise. To date, every pony I had run into had been willing to solve problems with friendship or feelings. Except for Long Strides that is, but that had been dealing with me having to retrain my nerves to my new muscles. A purely physical problem that needed to be solved by physical means. But, here was a pony that was willing, apparently, to give me a good thumping if I didn’t listen to them.
“Okay,” I said, lowering my hackles. “I’ll ‘chill out’ if you tell me who you are.”
“Name’s ‘Pumpkin Spice’,” the newcomer said, lowering her wings and standing up straight, “and don’t say any of the jokes. I’ve heard them all and I’ll give you a good pounding if you try for something original. There aren’t any original jokes, not anymore.”
“Fair enough,” I told the pony, and I decided to rest my pony bones a bit by plopping my butt down on a large flat rock. “I’m James Allens. What did you want to talk about.”
“I know who you are,” Spice snorted, moving over to sit beside me. “Every damn pony knows who you are. What I wanted to talk about is why you’re messing up one of my favorite brooding spots.”
“Found out that something I thought was over and done with is still going on,” I explained, and I found myself liking this blunt spoken pony and her confrontational attitude.
“Vague much?” Spice asked, cocking an eyebrow at me. “That’s like saying you found out water was wet, or that coffee is bitter, or that the night is dark. Gimme details, foal.”
I raised an eyebrow right back at her and the silence stretched out as we tried to stare each other down. I was at a disadvantage however, due to the fact that I’m pretty much hardwired to help women… mares… whatever. So, after about a minute of silence I gave in, and told her the whole story.
I told her about the collar pushing my libido, Luna’s workings on me, Derpy’s friendship and affection, Discord sending me to an adult store for a delivery, Q’s inexplicable gifting of a bridle to me, and now what was basically amounting to an accidental marriage proposal, or at least the next closest thing to it. I finished things up by recounting my storming out and declaring that I refused to be manipulated. Pumpkin Spice sat there for about a minute and then started laughing.
“Not helping,” I said, getting angry again as the laughter went on. “There’s nothing funny about this.”
“Yes, there is,” Spice said, as she reduced herself to snickers. “The fact that you think you can stop somepony from manipulating you at this point is just adorable, and hilarious.”
“Why can’t I stop them?” I demanded, spreading my forelegs wide. “Especially if I can figure out who it is.”
“You idiot. You’re talking about someone who has managed to get the Spirit of Chaos, and the next closest thing to a god to dance to their tune,” Pumpkin Spice said, looking up at me with a bit of a sneer. “What kind of chance do you think you stand compared to them? You’re a piece on somepony’s chessboard, deal with it.”
“Who’s chessboard?” I asked, feeling a little depressed now as I realized the pony beside me was making a very good point.
“Don’t know for sure,” Spice said, rubbing her chin in thought, “but my money is on that old nag, Celestia. Don’t let that friendship facade of hers fool you. She’s been playing with the destiny of Equestria and its ponies for a millennium now. If this is her game, it means you have some quality she wants to breed into ponies. If not, it likely means somepony else is using you as a tool to manipulate Luna directly or Celestia indirectly.”
“Damn,” I said, blinking in surprise. “You got a lot further than I have on this. So, what do I do about it?”
“That white nag has tried to rope me into her schemes more than once before,” Pumpkin Spice said, with a small chuckle. “I’ve dodged her lasso so far. As to what you can do about it, sorry foal, nothing comes for free.”
“Hey, if you know a way that I can fight back against this, I’m all ears,” I said, leaning forward. “Name your price.”
“You’ll do anything?” she asked, to which I nodded. “Fine, hold very still and think of how your relationship with Derpy and Luna makes you feel. Think of nothing but that. Let it be your entire world for the next couple of minutes.”
I did as she asked and pictured the two mares in my mind. I thought of how comforting a presence Derpy had been for me, always being there, always willing to help out. I thought of Luna, and her dark exotic beauty, of how she blended vulnerability and strength into an elegant package that was more than willing to wait for me to be ready for her. I kept picturing them, and as the feelings and emotions filled me I saw Pumpkin Spice’s horn light with a green fire that washed out over me, wrapped around me for a few moments, and then withdrew.
“What the hell was that?” I asked, suddenly feeling very tired and I shook my head to clear the sudden fuzz that filled it.
“My payment,” Pumpkin Spice said, smacking her lips. “It’s not love, but it will do. It will do.”
“Fine, I’ve paid, “ I said, still trying to push away that strange lethargy. “How do I fight back against who ever is pushing my buttons?”
“Short answer, you can’t,” Spice said, holding up a hoof to stop me as I made to interrupt. “Long answer. You can’t fight back directly. You don’t have the connections, the power, or the abilities that whoever is behind all this has. What you do is you slow them down, you delay them, you stretch things out until they make a mistake. Keep your relationship with Derpy and Luna, just slow things down to a crawl. Got it?”
“That’s it?” I asked, surprise and a little anger giving me a boost of energy. “What good is that going to do?”
“It gives you time, you stupid idiot,” Spice said, rolling her eyes at me. “It gives you time to get stronger, to make your own allies and connections so that when whoever is behind this makes their mistake, and they will make one eventually, you will be able to take advantage of it and nail them.”
“Oh,” I said, taken aback as I realized that what the dark furred, winged unicorn had said made a lot of sense, and then I realized what had been bugging me about Pumpkin Spice. “Hey, aren’t alicorns the only ones with horns and wings?”
“And that’s my cue to leave,” Pumpkin Spice said, getting up. I made to follow her and keep her from leaving, but for some reason my hooves wouldn’t move. Looking down I saw that they had been glued to the rock I was sitting on by some sort of green goop.
“What the he—” I began to say as Pumpkin Spice’s horn lit again, and a glob of the green goop hit me straight on the muzzle, gluing it shut.
“Sorry about that,” Spice said, running a hoof over my mane. “Another time, I’d love to stay longer and enjoy a protracted meal of you, but not today. Don’t panic though, I have no intention of doing anything else to you… tonight. But seeing as I can’t have you following me or shouting for help, I’ve taken steps to make sure you can’t. The resin will fall apart on its own in about five or ten minutes. Until we meet again, ‘Lunch’.”
The pony then left me in the dark as I struggled to free myself. It was a completely useless effort, as whatever the goop was didn’t budge. As promised though, the crud around my hooves cracked and shattered into splinters after several minutes, and I blasted my way back home as if all the hounds of hell were on my heels. The goop around my muzzle didn’t want to let go though, and it limited the amount of air I was able to take in. By the time I burst through the door my vision was graying out, and I collapsed in a heap at the hooves of a very startled Derpy and Luna.
“James!” both mares cried out at the same time, and a moment later I felt myself lifted onto the table by Derpy while Luna sent crockery flying to make space for my body. Another couple of moments and the goop around my muzzle was ripped away, taking a whole lot of body hair with it, and I sucked down lungfuls of oxygen greedily.
“Don’t try to talk just yet, James,” Luna said, looking down at me with concern while I heard Derpy in the background sending a woken up Dinky back to bed. “The resin on your muzzle tells me what attacked you, but not who. You are safe, so you do not need to say anything until your breathing returns to normal. Understood?”
I nodded and just lay flat on the table, concentrating on breathing in lots of wonderful air in steady lungfuls. After about a minute I started talking, and Luna stopped me simply by putting a wingtip against my nose and shaking her head. I took the hint and kept on focusing on my breathing, while a returned Derpy checked me over for any injuries. It wasn’t until a full minute after my breathing returned to normal that Luna let me tell her what had happened.
“Shaushka,” Luna growled out, after I had told her the tale. “What in Tartarus is that creature doing in all this?”
“Who is Shaushka?” Derpy asked, helping me down off the table. “And is she right? Are all three of us being played with?”
“Shaushka is a changeling queen, and something of a neutral party between Thorax and Chrysalis,” Luna said, helping Derpy sit me into a chair by the table. “Pumpkin Spice is a known alias of hers as she finds it amusing to pose as an alicorn.”
“But she was so small,” I said, in protest as I nodded my thanks to both mares. “I mean, sure she suckered me in with her disguise, but now that I know about her I can kick her flank if I need to.”
“James, you are young, strong and brave, but believe me when I say you stand no chance against her,” Luna said. “She is a changeling queen, with all the power and strength you would expect. More, she is a master of manipulation, to the point where there has never been a report of her using her magic to affect a pony’s mind, because she simply doesn’t need to.”
“Was she right though, Princess?” Derpy asked again. “Are we being used in some sort of game?”
“The most dangerous thing about Shaushka is that she keeps her bargains,” Luna said, sliding a cup of coffee in front of me, “but she does so in ways that will benefit her. James let her feed from him, and in return she gave him knowledge.”
“So…” I said, trying to phrase things delicately, “your sister really is playing with us? I’m some sort of seed stock for the future of the pony race?” Diplomacy, thy name is not James Allens.
“I doubt it,” Luna said, making a face. “My sister is more than powerful enough to simply force ponies to breed. For many, all it would take is a simple command and they would gladly fling themselves at whomever Celestia requested.”
“The hell you say,” I said, my eyes going wide as my ears went flat against my head. “There is no bucking way I—”
“Peace. Be at ease, our stallion,” Luna said, placatingly. “Just because my sister has the power to do something, does not mean she will actually do it. You have just demonstrated why Shaushka is so dangerous, despite the fact that she has never actually broken any laws.”
“What do you mean, Princess Luna?” Derpy asked, and I could see she was just as angry and scared as I was at the thought of Celestia playing a live action game of Civilization with pony society.
“I mean that she was likely right in that somepony is playing with the emotions and feelings of our stallion. That individual is pushing him into a physical relationship with one or both of us for reasons we as yet cannot fathom,” Luna said, and I found myself impressed at her cold assessment of things. “But all it took was a few sentences from Shaushka, and she had James all but ready to go to war against my sister in a desperate struggle for survival.”
“Well, she did say your sister was behind it,” I said. “Or, at least that she was probably the one behind it.”
“No, James. She did not,” Luna said, correcting me with a little heat in her voice. “She said that for her money she would guess Celestia was behind it. After which she said uncomplimentary things about my sister to make her appear even worse in your eyes. It is the tactic of an emotional manipulator, and you do wear your emotions on your flank.”
“Could she be behind it?” Derpy asked Luna. “Shaushka, that is?”
“Doubtful,” Luna said, and I could see the calculations going on behind her eyes. “It isn’t how she operates. As I said, she prefers to manipulate her prey, much as she did James, instead of using crude force. Also, while it is just barely possible that she might have been able to influence Discord’s actions in some manner, I do not think she could have had an effect on me.”
“Where do we go from here?” I asked, not wanting to point out Luna’s hubris at thinking that she couldn’t have her emotions messed around with by someone even she said as a master of the art.
“We continue as we have,” Luna said, and Derpy and I both exchanged a look at that, which Luna noticed. “Much as I hate to admit it, Shaushka had the right idea. We give the outward appearance of a long, slow courtship. Behind closed doors though we must remain nothing more than good friends.”
“We can do that, Princess,” Derpy said, wrapping a wing around me. “Um, are you okay with that though, James? Not sleeping with me or Luna?”
“Derpy, you are my best friend here. My true companion who has been with me since the beginning and yes, I could see myself building a life here in Equestria with you as my partner,” I began, and Derpy’s blush was spectacular. “And Luna, just so you know. You are my dark angel. The fierce beauty that guards my dreams, and the pony who could show me delights most stallions have no idea even exist.”
“James,” Luna said, colouring also, but not letting it affect her voice, “this is not what I meant by staying as friends.”
“But,” I said, holding up a hoof for emphasis. “We are friends, the best of friends, and while yes, one day we might become more than that, now is not the time. I care for both of you too much to let any of us get pushed into something we aren’t ready for.”
“Friends then,” Derpy said, putting a hoof out toward the center of the table.
“Good friends,” Luna said, putting out her own hoof so that it touched Derpy’s and the two winged mares looked at me.
The next few days passed by without anything crazy going on. For the first time since I arrived in this insanity I actually had some time to decompress and mellow out despite it being a really busy time. Lyra finalized the deal for my new place and I moved off of Derpy’s couch and into my own place.
It took me four days to explain to Lyra why American football and ice hockey weren’t some strange form of gladiatorial combat, in exchange for all her services with the paperwork. In hindsight, referring to “Sudden Death Overtime” with such enthusiasm might not have been my smartest move.
My new home wasn’t much to speak of: Main room, kitchen, bedroom and a loft area. I didn’t even have indoor plumbing. Water came from a pump outside and the er, facilities was an outhouse. The house had a fireplace in the main room for heat, but I had no firewood. Derpy had told me to contact a pony named Burnt Oak for that, but with summer coming on in Ponyville there wasn’t much need for heat right now, so I had time.
My fridge wasn’t like what I had back on Earth either. No quietly humming box of cold for me, no sir. Instead, the fridge actually had a miniature blizzard up where a fridge freezer usually is and that spread cold down to the rest of the food. The normal process is that you get a weather pony in once a week or so to refresh the storm keeping the fridge cold. It’s something of a lucrative side line for the weather teams, and something I was able to dodge, thanks to Derpy.
Speaking of which, Derpy and I spent a lot of time being seen together so that we gave a good impression that I was “taken,” and I swear she grew a little taller with every jealous look that was sent her way. She’d even braided one of her primary feathers into my mane. Not one that had been naturally shed either. She had gone and plucked a living feather from one of her wings and then braided it into my mane with the little electric tickle I’d come to recognize as pegasus magic.
“Oh James,” Luna said, in a soft emotional voice, as she braided her own silver crescent token into my mane that night. “Promise me that in the years to come, you will never do anything to hurt Derpy.”
“What? Are you kidding? I’d rather have my legs cut off than hurt either of you,” I said, half-turning before Luna stopped me so that she could finish what she was doing. “You know that, so why are you asking?”
“It’s just…” Luna sighed, and I felt a slight tug as she fused a bit of my mane around her charm. “Pegasi only use a living feather for this with those they see as lifelong companions. The feather is still alive, because Derpy merged it with your mane. She has literally given a piece of herself to you.”
“She knows we aren’t really a couple, uh trio, right?” I asked, a little worried. “Maybe one day we might be more but…” I shrugged, running out of words.
“The term is ‘herd,’ and she knows our stallion, she knows,” Luna said, turning me to face her. “But, she like you, also knows that one day you might be ‘more.’ The feather does not mean you are wed, just that she views you as a close intimate. Twilight and her friends have all exchanged similar tokens in the past as well and they are not a herd, if that puts you at all at ease.”
“It does, I mean we just settled on the whole friends bit,” I said, feeling relieved. Derpy was my best friend and it would kill me if I had to hurt her by saying ‘no’ to something she wanted and I didn’t.
“‘Best friends’ is the term you used, I believe,” Luna said, smiling somewhat wistfully. “I have had few enough of those in my life, fewer of whom are still alive. This is something you do with best friends.” She ran a hoof over both her and Derpy’s tokens in my mane, and I felt a terribly sad moment as I pictured Luna looking into an old box with millenia old tokens of friendship from long dead ponies.
“Hey, it's okay. I’m here,” I said, giving in to the impulse to hug the Princess of the Night.
“What is this for?” Luna said, both pleased and surprised at the hug.
“You looked like you needed it,” I said, releasing the taller mare.
“I think that you needed it rather more than I,” Luna said, taking a deep breath. “Now, enough of melancholy, as we must speak of serious things with a sober mind. Shaushka, as expected, evaded our search and so I needs must give you a primer on how the changelings operated in the days before Thorax.”
Over the next hour Luna gave me a quick overview of how the changelings used to be. Something of a fairly major threat as it turns out, including one major invasion during which Luna had been drugged by a disguised Chrysalis. Luna had a habit of not being picky about what she ate or drank just before bed, and had chugged down a knockout potion like it was water which had made her sleep through the entire invasion.
“Speaking of collapsing in bed, you appear to be very tired, our stallion,” Luna said, noticing that I was nodding off. Night had fallen a couple of hours earlier and it had been a busy day.
“Ya,” I yawned, for the fourth time. “Sorry, been a long couple of days.”
“And I understand you have a delivery in the morning. Time to put our stallion to bed,” Luna said, as she scooped me up in her magic and headed toward my bedroom.
“I can walk, you know,” I muttered, tiredness stealing away my tact.
“Nonsense, a mare takes care of her stallion,” she said with a smirk as she opened the door and stopped in surprise. “Where is your bed?”
I’d barely been able to afford the house itself and an actual bed was a luxury I just couldn’t afford yet. What I had instead of a bed, was a pile of second hand blankets and a few pillows that I’d arranged into something of a soft nest in one corner of the room. Beside that were a couple of candles and stack of language and math primers intended for preschool foals.
“Don’t have one yet,” I told Luna as she carried me into the center of the room at her side. “It’s on my list. You can put me down now.” I struggled a bit against Luna’s magic, more for show than anything else. She responded by folding my legs against my body and lifting me onto her back between her wings. I was getting more tired by the second so I put my head down on her warm back.
“No stallion of mine sleeps on the floor,” Luna declared, igniting her horn causing me to jerk my head up just as I was beginning to close my eyes.
“Wait Luna, stop,” I said, begging her to hold off. “We aren’t actually a couple, remember?”
“We needs must keep up appearances, James,” Luna said, in the voice of someone explaining something obvious to an idiot. “There is not a pony alive who would believe I would allow a metamour of mine to sleep on the floor.”
“Please Luna, don’t,” I said, quietly in her ear. “It’s important to me that I do the stuff for my home myself. Besides, you can always complain to ponies about ‘how stubborn’ I am.”
“It is no trouble for me to provide you with a bed, are you sure you do not want me to get you one?” Luna asked, twisting her head back to look at me.
“I appreciate it, but no thanks,” I said, relieved that she was listening to me.
“Very well. All mares have some complaint about their stallions, so it will add some veracity to our tale I suppose,” Luna replied, lifting me off her back and settling me amongst the blankets, which she then began to wrap around me. “You will, however, permit me to ensure you are settled for the night.”
“You don’t have to tuck me in,” I said, somewhat testily. “I’m a grown ma… person.”
“You will not fight me on this, our stallion,” Luna said, arching an eyebrow over her smiling face. “Consider it your compromise for my accepting your refusal for a bed.”
“Yes Mistress,” I sarcastically grumbled, as the Princess of the Night wrapped me up in a warm weave of blankets and cushions.
“It is good that you are coming to recognize your proper place at our hooves,” Luna said, with a chuckle and a kiss on the forehead. “We will see you after work tomorrow.” I harrumphed a bit, too tired to worry if Luna was being serious or not. Luna turned off her horn and left, leaving me to fall asleep within minutes in my cozy nest.
The next morning I woke to the sun shining through my window, and the birds chirping with disgusting happiness. There were a lot of nice things about living in Equestria. The weather was managed, healthcare was great, and the rulers were reasonably benevolent, which hid the terrible evil that was the fact that a lot of ponies were up with the dawn.
“Thank God, Celestia didn’t take an interest in me,” I muttered, cursing the daystar as I carefully got myself undone from the sheets and blankets that Luna had wrapped around me. The pattern of tensions in the fabric made for some interesting idle speculation as I undid the last sheet wrapped around my withers and I made my way to the outhouse.
On the way back in I grabbed some water from the pump to brush my teeth with and give myself a wipe down with a cloth and cold water. That done, I made my way into the kitchen and opened my fridge. Which held a pitcher of cold water and nothing else. Lacking a glass I drank straight out of the pitcher and it made me realize how little I actually had in my new home. It was a little depressing, until I reminded myself that there may not be much in these four walls, but they were my walls, dammit.
I just stood there for a few minutes, drinking water and wondering if I could snag something to eat at work, when a knock on my back door heralded the arrival of Dinky and Derpy.
“Thought you could use some breakfast,” Derpy said, offering me a basket of her ever present, and ever delicious muffins.
“Saved my life,” I said, as I all but inhaled a muffin in two bites. Little Dinky looked up at me with a mix of shock, horror and amazement at my savage attack on the baked good.
“Momma, I think James is gonna need more than six muffins,” Dinky said, her voice piping high. I just smiled and gave the adorable little unicorn a hug. If the princesses were alicorns would that make Dinky an “Adoracorn?”
The three of us sat in my bare kitchen, eating muffins and drinking water. Soon enough though we headed for work, dropping off Dinky at school along the way. After we waved goodbye to Dinky, Derpy welded herself to my side draping a wing over my back as we walked in lockstep toward the Pony Express.
“Derpy,” I said, flicking my head a bit so that the braided feather in my mane was exposed and visible to all. “Luna told me what using a living feather means.”
“Thought she might,” Derpy said, flushing slightly. “I know we haven’t… done anything, and we probably never will, but I just wanted to show you that you’re the best friend I’ve had in a long time.”
“Why do you think I’m showing it off?” I asked Derpy, leaning my head close and again noting the jealous and admiring looks my pegasus was getting. “I’m pretty good at meeting people and getting them to like me, but until I met you I didn’t really have anyone I’d call a ‘best’ friend. Thank you for being that friend.”
“Anytime, James,” Derpy said, and we walked like that the rest of the way to work.
“Good Morning, James,” Discord said as Derpy peeled off to the little office Discord had given her by his own. “Want another easy trip or are you up for something a little more challenging?”
“Does ‘more challenging’ come with a bonus?” I asked, seizing on the opportunity. “I sorta overspent, and I didn’t want to ask you for an advance on my pay, but if you’ve got something that comes with a bonus that would be great.”
“More challenging, eh?” Discord asked, stroking his beard. “There is a run I could have you do, I wasn’t planning to send you on it until later though. But if you think you’re up to the challenge. Well, who am I to stop an ambitious young stallion?”
“Hang on a sec,” I said, sudden caution flaring an alert in my mind. “What makes this run so hard?”
“Multiple deliveries to multiple locations,” Discord said, grinning as he saw my eyes widen. “Plus the most important delivery is to an individual who will almost always be on the move.”
“How long will it take, do you figure?” I asked Discord, trying to work out how I was going to deliver to someone who kept moving around, until I remembered the spell Luna had put on my one shoe.
“Not as long as you thought it would a few moments ago,” Discord said, looking down at my hoof with a raised eyebrow. “However, considering the area involved is large I think four days should do the job. So, do you want the run, or would you prefer something easier?”
“Bring it on,” I said, with my best sneer, smiling up at Discord.
“Alright then, let’s get your packages and get you set up,” Discord said, with an equal smirk back.
We turned and walked toward the departure area and as we entered the cavernous hall I was surprised to see a couple of ponies exit the room through interdimensional portals just like the ones I used.
“Hold on a sec,” I said, feeling an ear flick in annoyance. “I thought the whole point of hiring me away from Earth was because you couldn’t get anyone or anypony who could handle the mindfuck of going to other dimensions.”
“For the most part that still holds true, my intrepid courier,” Discord said, looking pleased with my recollection. “Since you started making runs though we’ve discovered that once a trail is blazed, other ponies can follow in the path of that first pony. We still need you, badly, but it seems we won’t have to overwork you quite as badly as I thought.”
“Wait, you planned to work me into the ground?” I asked, letting a little heat into my voice.
“Well, it was either that or dunk you a few times into Pinkie’s Mirror Pool,” Discord said, while I tried to figure out what a Mirror Pool might be.
“Right,” I said, deciding to let the matter drop. “So, where am I going and how much of a bonus is there going to be?”
With a bit of a flourish Discord pulled a cloth off of a table, revealing two packages and two scrolls. With them was a map which had the words “Imperial Province of Skyrim” written on it. My eyes went a little wide and despite my attempt to keep them under control I could feel my ears flatten themselves against my head.
“I’m guessing you recognize the place?’ Discord asked, his ever present grin welded in place.
“Sure do. Holy crap, boss. Do you know how dangerous that place is?” I asked, my memory bringing up what I knew about my destination.
Like a very large number of people I’d played my fair share of Skyrim. I’d made my way through the questline as a stealth archer and had really enjoyed the game, to the point where I had bought all three DLCs. Even though I’d really played only two of them. I wound up getting so intrigued trying different combinations of things I’d never made my way all the way to the end again. One thing I did know for sure, Skyrim was a place of danger and beauty, especially to an unarmed pony.
“Three of your four deliveries are in towns or cities,” Discord said, oozing confidence in my abilities. “Delphine at the Sleeping Giant, General Tullius in Solitude, the Jarl of Riften and of course, the Dragonborn. One a day shouldn’t be hard for you to pull off.”
“Discord, you’re forgetting that I have to travel between those locations,” I said, in protest. “I’ll have to haul ass to get to those places and there is no way I can make it from one to the other in a day. Two days, if I don’t run into anything I can’t handle, but not one day. On top of that you’re also forgetting the big thing.”
“What’s that?” Discord asked, appearing genuinely surprised at the objections I was raising.
“I have to catch up to or intercept the freaking Dragonborn,” I said, emphasizing the title. “They can fast travel, they aren’t nailed down to a single location, and even with the advantage of the spell Luna gave me in my shoe, they can literally be gone by the time I get to where they were.”
“Okay fine, you win,” Discord said, rolling his eyes. “What do you think you are going to need for this?”
“At least eight to ten days,” I said, thinking rapidly. I’d always avoided Riften as much as I could when I’d played the game, but the other two places I knew well. “Plus, I’m going to need some gold for expenses.”
“What?” Discord asked, and it did my heart good to see I’d surprised him.
“Gold, money, mullah, pesos, yen, the thing what makes the world go round,” I said, in a sing-song voice. “At the least I’m going to need to lay my head down someplace reasonably safe at night, and I don’t intend to forage like an animal even if I am built for it now. That means I need money to buy those things.”
“I want receipts,” Discord said, in protest. “Receipts for everything.”
“Discord,” I said, patiently, because I knew he was only being difficult, “we’re talking Skyrim here. I’d be surprised if ten percent of the people I’m going to run into even know what a receipt is, never mind have any idea or ability to write one. You’re just going to have to trust me.”
“Fine,” Discord said, harrumphing. “Ten days, and a bag of gold coins. But I want each one accounted for.”
“Hey, “ I said, remembering the first batch of gold Discord had paid me with. “None of those chocolate gold coins either, okay? I need to be actually able to spend the money you give me. Besides, why are you so worried? You’re freaking Discord, what do you care about a little gold?”
“I’m not allowed to just make money out of thin air anymore,” Discord said, deflating a bit. “Apparently when you give everyone in Equestria a bag of gold in celebration for Celestia’s birthday you’re ‘causing hyperinflation’ and ‘sowing economic chaos.’ I’m Discord! I’m supposed to be causing a little chaos every so often.”
“I’m sure everyone appreciated the gold,” I said, patting my boss on the side. “Anyway, as soon as you get me some I should be able to get on my way.”
“Where you going?” Derpy asked, coming into the departure area, a stack of papers tucked under one wing.
“Skyrim,” I said, smiling at my best friend. “Looks like I’m going to be gone for at least a week. Can you tell Luna about it so she doesn’t worry about me?”
“James,” Derpy said, handing off the papers to a pony I recognized as working in Requisitions. “Luna is going to worry about you as much as I will. I’m pretty sure she won’t be able to see you in your dreams while you are in other worlds.”
“We’ll just have to take it as it comes,” I said, giving Derpy a quick nuzzle for appearances sake. “Help me get ready?”
“Sure,” Derpy said, and her dextrous wings plucked my four packages off the table, loading them into my saddlebags. As I stood there, another pony came up and fastened the bags around me, heaving the belly strap tight so it wouldn’t slip. I nodded my thanks to the pony just as Derpy slid a couple more things into my bags.
“Some trail rations,” she explained, seeing my questioning look. “Compressed alfalfa with molasses. Just in case you do need to bed down out in the wild, or you can’t secure a meal. You’re a pony, after all. Those people might get a little odd at seeing you looking to buy a meal from them.”
“Good point,” I said. I’d gotten so used to being a pony after the past few weeks that occasionally I forgot how weird it had been in the beginning.
“You should be going with a full field kit,” Derpy said, frowning slightly, which was strange to see on the face of my usually bubbly friend. “Water, fire starting kit, basic medical kit, a good knife, plus a few other things. But we’d have to get you into a full equipment harness to carry all that and I would want one that was made just for you.”
“Next time,” I said to Derpy. “How do you know so much about all that anyway?”
“I’ll tell you one day,” Derpy said, her face shifting from serious to a bit mischievous. “When you get back, we’ll trot over to Rarity’s and get you fitted out for something. I’m sure she’d love to get her hooves on you again.”
“What, and make you jealous?” I said, and Derpy snickered as I teased her lightly.
“All set!” Discord announced, breaking up our little moment and passing me a heavy bag labelled ‘Swag’. “James, whenever you’re ready.” I looked up to see the portal taking shape at the far end of the room with Skyrim’s distinctive downward pointing arrow over the top of it. I suddenly felt a small tickle on the side of my neck and I looked to see Derpy had her nose pressed to the fur underneath my mane deeply inhaling my scent.
“Hey, it’ll be okay,” I said, putting the bottom of my head on the top of hers. “I’ll see you in ten days, tops.”
“Okay,” Derpy said. “But you take even one day longer and I’m coming after you.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I said, smiling as Derpy stepped back and sketched a salute with one grey wing. I tossed one back, spun on my rear hooves and charged forward to plunge toward my next challenge.
I think it says something about my mind that a journey between the realms of time and space was becoming routine by now. The once surreal images and concepts that I travelled past were now barely worth my notice, never mind being interesting anymore. On the plus side, it let me put my head down and concentrate on my travelling. I even threw in a couple of loops and rolls just for the hell of it.
So, it was with some surprise that as I neared the obvious and strangely large portal leading toward the realms of Skyrim, a group of nine lights moved to block my path, forcing me to come to a stop. For several moments we just hovered there in space, me and the ring of lights. I tried shifting over to the left, and the lights moved with me. I moved to the right, same thing. Up, down, even looping around, the lights kept blocking me from getting to the portal.
“Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do,” I said out loud with a little frustration. “Hey! Flashlights! What gives?”
“It speaks,” said one of the lights, in a giggling voice.
“It is disrespectful,” said another light, this time in a stern male voice.
“It is a hard worker,” a third voice said, male as well.
“Uh, hello?” I ventured. “You know you can talk to me, right? I’m right here.”
“Quiet, mewling worm,” growled another voice, and my stomach shrank against my spine as something in that growl screamed “predator” at both my human and pony instincts. “We are discussing your fate.”
“My fate?” I asked, ignoring both my instincts and the order to be quiet. “Hey, if my fate is being discussed here I think I should have a say in it.”
“QUIET!” that same predatory voice said, in a thunder that shook all around me. “YOU SHALL BE SILENT.”
A glow of magic appeared around me, blinding me with its light, and when it went away I saw two things right away. First, I had been very thoroughly muzzled. There were openings for my ears, eyes, and nostrils in the device wrapped around my head and nothing else. Second, I was no longer floating in mid-space. I was instead standing on the palm of a dragon’s paw.
I followed the paw to the wrist, then the leg, up the body and to the head of the massive dragon who now towered over me. Arrayed around us, in a loose circle, were eight human-like beings bursting with power and light in the entire spectrum. They were all looking down at me, and I almost wet myself as I clued in and realized who they were.
They were the nine Divines of the Elder Scrolls canon. Gods, or at least deathless beings who were so powerful as to be no different than gods, and I had pissed them off. I didn’t even bother trying to get the muzzle off or getting around it. If they wanted me to be quiet there was no way I had any chance of stopping them. There are other ways to communicate though, and I bowed in the pony fashion, as deeply as I could to the dragon who held me in his paw.
“Hmm,” Akatosh, Dragon God of Time, and ruler of the Divines growled, “it seems the creature is not entirely devoid of sense or courtesy. I will allow you to listen to our deliberations as to whether we should blot out your existence or not.” I bowed again to Akatosh and sat down as respectfully as I could.
As God of Time,” Akatosh continued, to those around him. “I am in favour of the creature’s death. His travels are an affront to time’s ordered pace across all of Creation. “
“He is merely doing his job,” said a male voice from before. “I, Zenithar, say he should be spared. He is a hard worker, and should be allowed to continue in his work.”
“He has been touched by both love and affection,” said a melodic, female voice. “I, Dibella, say that his song should not end here and now. He has much music to bring to the universe yet.”
“He breaks convention, and the order of things. His mere existence rewrites what has been and what should be,” a male figure holding a book said. “I, Julianos, say that the creature’s affront to order and logic should end here. He is not even a mage.”
The score was tied two for two, with five of the Divines to go. I could only hope that Akatosh would follow a majority view, as it was obvious anything else would result in the paw around me closing shut.
“I have no particular issue with what this creature has done, but all things have their time and there can be few ends as good as being directly destroyed by your will, Father,” said a giant man with a spinning wheel above one of his hands. “I, Arkay, say that this creature should find his final rest here, but let it be done painlessly, and with honor.”
“He runs and flies, without wings. Even the dragons use wings when they leave the ground,” an airy blue haired woman said. “I, Kynareth, say that he should die. What he does is an abomination.”
Two to four, with three to go. Unless all of the remaining three were on my side, things were not looking good for this little pony.
“He is a man. Or at least he carries the soul of Men within him,” a stocky man said, plainly. “For that alone, I, Talos, say that he should live. There are other reasons this one has favor in my eyes, but his humanity alone is sufficient.”
“It is not fair that he has not been given the chance to speak in his defence,” another man said, firmly. “I, Stendarr, vote for mercy and say that due to this miscarriage in justice he should go free, with our blessings.”
The score was tied, and I pummeled my brain trying to remember who was left. I looked up only to see the last of the titanic figures shrinking down toward me, becoming human sized. A moment later a motherly figure stood before me, and the woman reached out and stroked the side of the device that clamped my mouth shut.
“Such fear, but bravery too,” the woman said. “You have both the power and the arrogance of the young. So many possibilities lie before you. Do you know who I am, pony who is a person?” I shook my head, unable to speak still.
“It seems our tribunal is tied,” the woman said. “Akatosh, as mine is the final vote, I ask that his fate be mine to decide and shape as I see fit. Do you accept this?”
“As we are tied, I grant you this judgement,” Akatosh growled. “But know that this shall not always be so, Mara”
“Thank you, noble Akatosh,” Mara said, and a bolt of realization ran through me. Mara was the Mother-Goddess of the pantheon, not to mention she ruled over love, fertility and compassion. If there was any one of the Divines I could count on, it would be her. It seemed pretty darn likely I was going to die another day.
“Ah, you know who I am now?” Mara asked, a smile on her face and I bowed low, rubbing my nose against her sandaled foot. It certainly couldn’t hurt to suck up a bit.
“Such reverence, or is it thanks?” Mara asked, and I bounced my head back and forth to show that it was a little of both. “James, you have forgotten something. I have yet to say whether I will spare your life or not.”
Fear went through me as I realized she hadn’t. I’d merely assumed she was going to. In reaction I tried to step back, and Mara reached out an easy hand to grab me by my collar. She sat herself down, cross-legged and dragged my head and body down into her lap with no effort at all. I lay across one of her legs, with my head and neck held in place by her hand on my muzzle and collar. I was at her complete and total mercy.
“I could kill you now,” Mara said, running her free hand down my neck and across my body. “I promise that you will feel nothing but the joy of being held by your very own mother in your final moments. I would even be willing to carry word to her of your fate, if you ask it of me.” I tried to shake my head in negation but her hold on me was absolute, and I felt Mara’s free hand wrap around my windpipe. Not squeezing, but enough that I knew it was there.
“I have already decided what I’m going to do with you though,” Mara said, looking down at me and I did my best to plead to her with my eyes. “I will spare you, but only if you obey my next commands without hesitation. Try to resist, even for a moment, and your end will come.”
There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even move my head to show my acceptance or denial. I felt the hand on my throat shift to a spot that would allow Mara to crush my windpipe in an instant if she chose.
“Say nothing, and open your mouth,” Mara said, releasing her hand from my collar and muzzle, as she did so the muzzle disappeared and I opened my mouth as wide as I could. A ball of light appeared in her hand, and it moved toward my mouth.
“Swallow,” Mara commanded.
I closed my mouth around the sphere and did my best to gulp it down. It burned like a ball soaked in peppermint, with a core of Carolina Reaper sauce that someone had set on fire with an arc welder, and my lungs and throat went into automatic spasm. I felt Mara’s hand move on my throat and I thought I was done, until I realized she was stroking my throat, working my swallowing muscles for me.
With a final, quivering gasp, the ball of power passed through my throat and into my belly. From there a warm glow spread to my extremities and settled into my groin in particular. I looked up at Mara, shaping my expression into the best, “Are you kidding me?” I could make.
“Oh, the look on your face,” Mara said, laughing a little and taking her hand from my throat. “You have obeyed my command and passed my trial. You shall live, little pony. More, I grant you and yours passage to Nirn.” She looked at me expectantly. I said nothing.
“Ah, my apologies,” Mara said, stroking my body and ruffling my mane a bit. “You may speak now.” I didn’t move, but I did get the sense of the other gods moving away from us.
“Um, thank you for not killing me?” I half-said, half-asked. “Am I allowed to know what you’ve done to me?” Mara laughed, and then did something I hadn’t expected. She lifted me up and hugged me to her very ample chest. I’m talking Oktoberfest beer waitress in a corset ample, and for the first time in forever, I didn’t feel myself start to react to a type of sexual contact. Not even when she kissed me on the brow.
“I’ve put a portion of my essence in you,” Mara said, holding me close and I swear to Celestia it felt like she was treating me like a stuffed animal. “You’ve likely already noticed that its given you a little more control over your fertility, and it will help you during your trials to come.”
“Trials?” I asked, feeling Mara’s head resting on top of my own. “I thought I passed?”
“Ours? Oh, yes,” Mara said, running a hand through my tail and curling it around so I could see the green streak now in it. “In fact, you were never in any real danger. But we were not happy to see someone intruding on our realm without even an attempt to ask for permission, plus we had our own purposes for what we did.”
“So, the whole thing was a trick to get me to eat that ball?” I asked, noticing the green streak and stomping on my anger as best I could. “I could have refused it?”
“Of course you could have. We would never interfere with your free will,” Mara said, smiling down at me. “I would have made sure that your death was as painless as possible.”
“B-but you said I was allowed to refuse to eat the ball if I had wanted to,” I sputtered, confused and a bit scared.
“I never said that you wouldn’t suffer consequences if you refused,” Mara said, tapping my nose. “Your soul would have safely made it to its rest. As I said, you were never in real danger.” I gulped as I realized my definition of danger and Mara’s were vastly different.
“So, um… Can I go now?” I asked, wanting to get the hell out of there before I had a bunch of side quests dumped on me, or before Mara and company decided to force me into another choice that wasn’t one.
“So impatient to be on your way. You have willingly taken a portion of our power into you. We now have a degree of dominion over you, and may ask certain tasks of you in the future,” Mara laughed, setting me onto my hooves in front of her, and I saw that we were now sitting in a grassy field with the entry portal to Skyrim at one end. “So yes, bold pony, you may be on your way, but a word of caution. While you are in our realm, you will do our bidding as well as that of those who sent you.”
“Yes, Ma’am. Thank you, Ma’am” I said, bowing low to the goddess again, and wondering how side quest screwed I was. “Thank you for all your help.”
“You’re welcome. Oh, one last thing,” Mara said, catching me just as I was turning to go. “There will come a time in your future, when you will have a particular need of me. Call my name, and the Diarchs willing, I will come.”
“Why would you do that for me?” I asked, puzzled. The gods of the Elder Scrolls loved to screw with mortals, as they had just demonstrated. Offering help in time of need out of the goodness of their hearts was almost unheard of.
“Because, it is my nature,” Mara said, turning me firmly towards the portal and whispering in my ear, “and because I watch over all mothers.” Before I had a chance to question that, she grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and the top of my hips and tossed me through the portal.
There was the usual sudden pressure feeling around me that I felt after crossing through a portal, and I saw rocky ground hurtling up at me. I’d practiced my landings after a couple or bad touchdowns had wound up embarrassing the crap out of me, and leaving some really interesting bruises. This time however, I landed with my hooves on the ground. Which would have worked fine, if it hadn’t of been for the extra forward momentum Mara had given me.
I managed to eat up most of the momentum by pinwheeling my legs, but I just didn’t have enough time or space to finish the job and I wound up doing a standing face plant into a wall of rock. Thank god, Skyrim wasn’t one of those cartoony worlds or I’m more than sure there would have been a giant sign with “Splat!” over my head.
“Nice cliff, soft cliff,” I said, into the stone before slowly peeling my sore muzzle away from the rock wall. I took a few moments to look around me and try to get my bearings. I was in an area with rocky ground, but relatively fair amounts of vegetation. Birds chirped around me, bugs hummed and I saw a few butterflies nearby.
Best of all I was on a rough stone pathway that was leading down from a cave further up the hillside from where I had emerged. I could scarcely believe my luck. If I was right the cave at the top of the path was the one that came out of Helgen. Which would make this the path that led to Riverwood and the tavern there that Delphine ran, in her guise of a common innkeeper.
I started down the pathway, and as I went it became more and more paved, even as the bushes grew a little more common. I rounded a corner and found myself looking at a round platform, overlooking the nearby lake and decorated with three standing stones.
“Hot damn!” I yelled out and went forward to have a look at the stones. As I had expected they were the three standing stones for mage, warrior and rogue. Most importantly their presence meant I was on the right track, which was a good thing as I noticed how low the sun was on the horizon. I did not want to be outside of a town come nightfall.
I trotted along, and as expected the path alongside the river became a small cobblestone like road. I made good time, stopping only to briefly examine the bodies of a pair of long, lean wolves that lay to one side of the road. The Dragonborn had been this way, that was for certain, remembering the trail of corpses I left behind me when playing the game. I picked up my pace only to slow down to barely nothing as I saw the small campsite with soldiers just outside the gate to Riverwood.
Damn. Soldiers there meant the Dragonborn had already come and gone through the place and started his, or her, quest to rid Skyrim of dragons. Oh well, if I was lucky he hadn’t taken Delphine yet on her mission to rebuild the Blades.
“Hey, what have we here?” a soldier asked, getting up from his tent and heading towards me. “Looks like one of the villagers lost a pony. Come here, pony. I won’t hurt you.”
“I’m not lost,” I said, watching the soldier jerk with satisfaction. “But thank you for your concern. How safe are the roads?”
“By the Divines,” the guard swore, and his hand fell automatically to his sword. “What sort of creature are you? What are your intentions?”
“I come in peace, faithful guardsman,” I said, trying to reassure the guy, who was just doing his job after all. “I’m what I appear to be. A pony. I’m a courier, on my way to deliver items.”
“I’ve never heard of a talking pony before,” another guard said, walking through the gate from the village. “Maybe it’s one of the locals playing a trick on us?”
“Guys,” I said, sighing. “You have cat people, lizard people, orcs, at least two kinds of elves, on top of four different flavours of human. You’re seriously trying to tell me you have problems with a talking pony?”
“Well, when you put it that way,” the new guard said. “Okay then, keep the peace and be on your way.”
“Yes sir,” I said, stepping through the gates into Riverwood proper and the sounds and smells of the village came to me. A strong man was bent over an open forge nearby, I could hear the hammering from his shop, smell the forge smoke. Beyond that, from the nearby river, came the steady sound of sawing and I could just make out one end of a crude sawmill. The man at the forge laid aside what he had been working on, and I saw him start hanging his tools up on a nearby rack.
“Hello,” I said, stepping up to the blacksmith. “Alvor, isn’t it?”
“Yes, what can I…” Alvor began, his eyes went wide as he noticed me. “What in Talos’ name are you?”
“I’m a courier,” I said, nodding respectfully to Alvor. “I’ve got a delivery for Hadvar’s friend and one for Delphine, who I believe runs the inn here?”
“Hadvar’s friend?” Alvor asked. “Oh, you mean the stranger. Yes, you missed them by a few days. I told them to head down to Whiterun to see the Jarl. The next day the Whiterun Guard was here to help keep things safe.”
“What about Delphine, is she still in town?” I asked, and I noticed the sun was setting. I’d cut my arrival almost too close for safety’s sake.
“Oh, she’s where she’s always been, running the Sleeping Giant,” Alvor said, standing up as he put away the last of his tools. “Orgnar is a good sort, but I’m not sure he could run the place if she wasn’t around.”
“Well, thank you very much,” I said, and then an idea hit me. “Say, would there be any chance of me being able to get a meal and a place to sleep from you? I can pay.”
“Why don’t you want to stay at the inn?” Alvor asked, looking at me with a good bit of suspicion in his eyes.
“I’m a pony,” I said, looking up at him. “I’m unusual and strange, and while I do want to get my job done I would honestly feel safer around a family than a bunch of random strangers.”
“That makes a fair bit of sense,” Alvor said, rubbing his chin, “and my little Dorthe would love to see you. Maybe a little more than that if it’s okay with you.”
“As long as I don’t wake up with my tail braided… again,” I said, extending my hoof. “Do we have a bargain, sir?”
“We do,” Alvor said, shaking my hoof. “Don’t worry about payment, whatever you feel like in the morning will do fine.”
“Sounds good, when should I come by for dinner?” I asked, pleased that I’d been able to contract a safer place to stay than a room in an inn. There was no way I was going to be in any danger sleeping in a house with a small girl in it. Well aside from the danger of being treated like a stuffed animal that is.
“Sigrid probably already has dinner going,” Alvor said, stepping down from the forge area, as I followed him. “But she always gives me time to get an ale from the inn before I eat.”
“That sounds great,” I said, noticing I was gathering a few looks. “I can make my delivery there and then we can come back for dinner.”
“You can go over to the inn on your own,” Alvor said, pausing at his door. “I need to let Sigrid know we’re having company for dinner and overnight. Anything in particular she needs to know about your food? We’ve got some hay around.”
“Whatever you're having for dinner should be fine,” I said, chuckling slightly. “I’m not big on tons of meat, but other than that I’m okay with anything your wife has ready to go.”
“Sounds good,” Alvor said, opening his door to go in. “We’ll see you in a bit.”
I nodded my understanding and headed over toward the Sleeping Giant Inn. More than a few people were headed toward the large porch with it’s entrance door, and I gathered a few looks. Surprisingly, little else though. Making my way inside, the place was far, far busier than it ever was in the game, and it reminded me forcibly that I wasn’t playing the game. I was actually in Skyrim.
“Hello, is Delphine around?” I asked to the huge man behind the counter, when I finally got to have my turn in front.
“What the hell are you,” Orgnar asked, staring down at me.
“I’m a courier,” I said, and I began to hear several mutters of surprise behind me. “I’ve got a delivery for Delphine, is she here?”
“Over here,” Delphine said, coming out of a room. “I’m Delphine, you have a delivery for me?”
“Yes Ma’am,” I said, walking towards her, ignoring the staring crowd around me.
“In here please, I don’t want everyone to see my mail,” Delphine said, opening the door to the room for me and I walked in.
“Where should I p-erk,” I gurgled as something wrapped around my throat cutting off my air. Through the roaring in my ears I heard the door shut behind me.
“What are you and what are you doing here?” Delphine hissed in my ear, and the garrote she had around my neck loosened just enough for me to suck in a breath.
“Courier,” I gasped, trying to pull in more air. “Package. Left saddlebag.” The line around my neck loosened off a little more and I was dragged over to the bed in the room. Delphine tied my neck to the foot-board, rendering me barely able to move and she went through the saddlebag, heavy gloves on her hands.
“Package indeed,” she said, pulling out what looked like a small book wrapped in paper and studying the label. “Delphine, Riverwood.”
“See?” I asked, trying to gain a little more slack in the line. “I’m just here to make a delivery.”
“Not so fast,” Delphine said, crouching down in front of me and pulling out a wicked looking knife from a fold in her dress. “Who sent this?”
“Just the courier,” I said, managing to find a spot where I could breathe. “Do you do this to everyone who brings you a package?”
“Just the ones wearing a form I’ve never seen in my life,” Delphine said, pressing the knife to a spot just under the point of my jaw. “You know more than you’re saying.”
“Look,” I said, caught between the point of the knife and the tightness of the cord around my neck. “I’m a courier. Yes, I know where the package is from but you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me,” Delphine said, lowering the knife an inch. “Just so you know, I’ll be able to tell if you’re lying.”
“Oookay then,” I said, hoping she could handle the truth. “I’m a transformed human from an alternate dimension working for a Spirit of Chaos who has resolved to send things to people in other worlds so as to make life more interesting in the universe.”
I stopped, having to breathe and having said my piece. Delphine’s face was just a few inches from mine and she stared into my eyes trying to determine if what I said was true. I stared right back, up until the moment there was a burst of pressure and a snapping sound. The strangling cord fell away, and I took my first deep breath in minutes.
“That has got to be the second craziest story I’ve ever heard,” she said, helping me stand up. “But I believe you. Sorry about the rough treatment, but you wouldn’t believe how dangerous being an inn owner can be.”
“No worries,” I said, rubbing my throat. “What convinced you?”
“Other than the fact that you’re the first talking horse I’ve ever seen in Tamriel?” Delphine asked, to which I nodded. “There’s also the fact that no one would invent something like that just to bring me a package.”
“Well, thanks for not killing me,” I said, pointedly not looking at the wardrobe against the wall that I knew would slide out. “I appreciate it.”
“You know a lot more than you’re telling, aren’t you?” Delphine said, and I knew she was trying to decide if she should kill me on the spot to keep herself safe.
“Yes, and just like I kept things from you, I’ll keep things from other people,” I said, and I saw her relax a bit.
“I can’t ask anymore than that,” Delphine said, shaking her head. “Sorry. Let me make it up to you. Some coins for your troubles.” She pulled a small bag that clinked heavily from a spot by her bed.
“Thank you,” I said, stashing the bag alongside Discord’s. A few moments later I was leaving the inn and I swear every eye in the room was on me.
“What are you all staring at?” Delphine asked in a loud voice behind me. “Never see a special courier before? Fast as anything.”
I chuckled to myself as I left the inn. Delphine, bless her, was normalizing my appearance by calling me a ‘special courier.’ The only problem would be if someone decided that I was worth robbing. Hopefully I would be able to outrun anything that came after me. I was still wondering about that as I retraced my steps and knocked on Alvor’s door.
“Ah, it’s the little courier,” Alvor said, Nord hospitality to the fore as he opened the door and looked down at me. “Come in friend.”
“Thank you for your hospitality,” I said, then I saw a tall red-haired woman setting places at the table. “You must be Sigrid, thank you for taking in a weary traveller.”
“Think nothing of it,” Sigrid said, but I could see my courtesy pleased her. “When my husband told me that we would be guesting a courier, I didn’t truly believe him when—”
“A pony!” a little girl shouted, tackling me and I hung on for dear life while the girl did a great imitation of an anaconda. “You got me a pony! I’ll be so good to him. I’ll feed him and take him for walks and brush him every day… ”
“Dorthe—” Alvor tried to interject.
“... and water him and change his bedding and… ” Dorthe kept on with all the ways she was going to take care of me.
“Dorthe—” Sigrid said, trying to get a word in edgewise.
“Oh, and just wait until I show Frodnar!” Dorthe boasted, and I could see her parents exchange a worried glance, trying to figure out how they were going to pry their daughter off of me.
“Hi there,” I said, deciding to take a hoof in matters, and Dorthe let go of me, stumbling back in shock.
“He TALKS!” Dorthe shouted, followed by a delighted gasp so deep I was worried about the oxygen level in the room. Alvor, seeing his chance, swooped in and scooped his daughter up into his arms.
“You are the best father ever!” Dorthe squealed, hugging her father so hard I thought his eyeballs were going to pop out. Sigrid rolled her eyes in exasperation and shrugged at me. I smiled back to let her know I was fine and no harm was done. It shouldn’t take long to convince the little girl that I wasn’t some incredible pet her father had gotten for her, right?
Dinner had been surprisingly good. Basic stuff, but healthy and filling. Beef stew, swimming with chunks of vegetables, thick slices of bread with lots of butter, and the ever popular wheel of cheese made an appearance. Afterward I had asked about Hadvar’s friend, who turned out to be a tall, dark Nord. At least I had a bit of a description to go on now. I also asked about how safe the roads were. Alvor gave me a big rundown, but it was summed up by two words. Not safe.
Afterwards, I was offered a bed and climbed into it gratefully. It did not take long however for me to have company though. Little Dorthe, snuggled right up against my back and pulled me in close to her. Alvor shooed her right out, having seen it all as the beds were all in the same common room. Three times Alvor shooed her out and three times she tried to sneak back in not five minutes later.
“It’s not a problem,” I told Alvor, and to Dorthe I said, “But no mane braiding. Deal?”
“Fine,” Dorthe said, pouting a bit in her sack-like nightgown. “But I get to snuggle until it’s time to get up, right?”
“Sounds good,” I said, feeling myself pulled in tight, like a big stuffed animal. “Time for sleep.”
“Okay, pony,” Dorthe said, and I could feel her cheek against my fur. I’ve heard it said that kids emit some sort of subatomic radiation that makes adults sleep. “Sleepions” I think they were called. Regardless though, the food and the warmth had me nodding off in very short order. So, it was with little surprise that I found myself on a grassy field under a moonlit sky.
“Luna?” I asked, out loud realizing I was in a dream. “Is that you? Are you out here?” There was no response. I looked around in case one of those things that had tried to feed off my fear in the dream realm was coming after me again. Still nothing.
“Your princess of the moon isn’t here, my bold pony,” a honey warm voice said from behind me. I whirled in place, lashing out with my rear hooves, only to have my motion arrested in mid-spin as something as rigid as an iron bar grabbed my collar and refused to let go. I was pulled around slowly and saw the smiling face of Mara staring back at me. Once she saw that I had recognized her she let go of me with that deceptively slim arm of hers and stepped back a pace.
“Goddess Mara,” I said, bowing low to the point where my nose touched the grass. “I didn’t know you could be in dreams.”
“Foolish mortal child,” Mara laughed, and her well formed bust made interesting motions I tried my best not to watch. “All mothers dream of their children, and so, the dream realm is open to me.”
“Oh, I guess that makes sense,” I said, sitting up onto my haunches. “So, um, what brings you to my dream?”
“When last we met, you became my little pony,” Mara said, chuckling. We both knew I’d been given no choice in the matter, but it was polite of her to pretend there was. “That comes with the obligation to do the bidding of me and my brethren while you walk the face of Nirn.”
“Side quest time, eh?” I asked, and Mara laughed again as she moved both of her arms behind her back. “You’re doing that deliberately, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am,” Mara laughed, leaning a little closer toward me, and I noticed that one of the strings holding her faux-Bavarian top was loose. “I am a fertility goddess after all.”
“Um, thank you? I guess,” I said, not wanting to insult a being who could squash me in an instant if she chose. “What did you need me to do?” Mara brought her arms back around in front, tossing a white sphere up and down. As she bounced it around, I saw that it wasn’t round, but was shaped like one of those many sided dice gamers used. My heart sank as I recognized it.
“Meridia’s Beacon,” Mara said, pleased that I knew what she had in her hand. “You will take this and place it in the chest guarded by the bandit known as ‘Hajvarr.’ I leave the how up to you.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I said, bowing low. “If I may ask, where can I find this Hajvarr guy?”
“He and his men have a stronghold in a cave system overlooking Whiterun, which I believe is your next destination,” Mara said, with a sly smile that told me that either she or one of the others had been keeping an eye on me. “They call the place ‘White River Watch.’ A word of advice however.”
“Yes?” I asked, cocking my head up at her.
“As the princesses of your realm would say, ‘Make some friends’,” Mara said, before fading away.
I woke up to find that Dorthe had woken before me and found her finishing off weaving a long ribbon into a braid she had made in my tail. I looked at her over my body for a long minute, before I spoke.
“I thought I said no braids?” I asked her, keeping my voice low to keep from waking the girl’s parents.
“You said no braiding your mane, this is your tail,” Dorthe said, smiling as she took a needle and thread, running a couple of stitches through the ribbon for some reason.
“Fine, done yet?” I asked, surrendering the round to the impeccable logic of a little girl.
“Yup,” she said, giving the braid a light tug. “I don’t like doing lady stuff, but it doesn’t mean I can’t. Now the ribbon won’t come undone.”
“I’m going to take a quick walk outside, okay?” I asked her, and immediately saw a look of hurt in her eyes. “I just want to take a quick walk around. I’ll be back for breakfast.”
“Okay,” Dorthe said, mood restored as she gave me a hug that would put a python to shame. We slipped out of bed to the door and she opened it to let me out, giving me a quick pet as I walked past her.
I waited until I stepped out into the pre-dawn light to roll my eyes at the girl’s method of affection. Not her fault that Discord had set me up as a cute pony and she meant well. For such a harsh world it was nice to see some pure happiness in it. No one seemed to be awake yet, other than a couple of guards at the upstream entrance to town.
I walked out the downstream entrance and stood by the river, just watching the water flow past and inhaling the crisp, clean air. Everything seemed to hold an extra degree of sharpness to it, feeling more alive than either back home on Earth or Equestria. It’s probably why I didn’t notice that I was being hunted.
I heard a quick whistle of air, followed by a sharp pain in one of my hips. I tried to react to the pain, to try to turn to see what had hit me, but it was like every muscle in my body had locked solid. At least my eyes were able to move as I fell to my side, one of my forelegs dangling in the river. Fast moving steps crunched up behind me and something was jammed into my mouth.
Straps were tightened around my head, and I realized that my attacker had bitted and bridled me. A second later and the paralysis that had seized my body released. I kicked out my back legs as hard as I could but hit nothing. The bridle pulled my head around and up, just as something else was jammed into my mouth, and I felt a bitter liquid splash against my tongue and over the bit that was keeping my mouth open. My limbs locked up again, and Faendal the Bosmer elf busied himself locking hobbles onto me while the potion he had force fed me held me still.
“Camilla will see that I’m the better man,” the elf said under his breath. “Hadvar’s friend might have fixed it so she likes Sven, but let’s see how long that lasts.”
The second dose of paralysis poison wore off just as he finished locking the last hobble onto me and pulling all four of my legs against each other. With a clink of metal I looked up at him and made a sound that I hoped translated to “What the fuck, man?”
“Stay quiet and still, or I’ll dose you again. Understood?” he asked, and I realized that no one could see us where we were. Hobbled, with my mouth wedged open by the bit there was no way I could keep him from shoving more crap down my throat, so I nodded my understanding.
“Good,” he said, then he knelt on my side, pinning me to the ground. There was a pulling motion followed by a sharp pain from my ass and I saw an arrow being thrown into the river. Then he hoisted me up onto his shoulders and carried me away like a deer he’d shot down.
“Not far to go,” Faendal said, as he carried me around the side of town that fetched up against the mountainside. I looked around, hoping to see someone around, but no one was in sight as Faendal carried me into a small house that I assumed was his. I let out an explosive grunt as he levered me off his shoulders and onto a small bed.
“Whag ghe heww, mam?” I garbled past the bit. Now that I’d been forced to live with it for a few minutes I realized Faendal had adapted something meant for a full sized horse. Which meant, that if I had a few moments without him watching me I should be able to get some slack from the straps and slip free.
“Just a moment,” Faendal said, pulling yet another potion bottle out of his belt and holding me down as I tried to thrash away. A couple of seconds later my tongue was covered in a warm liquid that tasted of pure honey, and I felt the pain in my ass cheek wash away in the healing flow.
“There you are,” the elf said, running a hand over my butt and smoothing the hairs there. “Can’t give Camilla damaged goods after all. Let’s get you up.” Faendal picked me up off the bed and stood me on my too close together hooves. Tying off the lines of the bridle to the foot of the bed, he started brushing me down.
“C'mom, wou bom'g have go bo ghif. We cam gawk aboug ghif,” I said, trying to form words around the metal bar that held down my tongue. I could have been shouting in Klingon for all the good it did me. Faendal didn’t even react.
“She’ll see,” he kept saying under his breath. “I’ll show her I’m better than Sven when I give her the most unique creature in all of Skyrim.”
Losing Camilla and having his fake letter revealed must have completely unhinged him, I realized. My best options were to either try to get loose and run for it when he eventually went to give me to Camilla Valerius, or to go along with things and get Camilla to free me after Faendal gave me to her. I was just damned lucky he was a good shot, otherwise his arrow could have killed me instead of just injecting me with that poison.
“There you go,” Faendal said, several minutes later as he put aside the brush and curry comb. “Now you look good enough for the fairest woman in all of Skyrim.” I moved my hooves a bit, trying to steady myself.
“I’m going to get your new owner for you now, are you going to be good?” Faendal said, and I nodded in response.
Which is when the bastard looped a noose around my neck and pulled it up tight off of one of the beams in the ceiling, leaving me not quite strangling. It was a crude but effective way to keep me in place. If I tried to move, I’d cut off my air. With my hooves fastened to each other by the hobbled I couldn't reach up to undo the noose or try to get the bridle off.
My only option would be to try to flip myself onto my back and pray that I could undo the noose before I strangled. Those were not odds I wanted to test, so I settled for concentrating on staying on my hooves. I was wobbling pretty good when Faendal came back.
“Camilla please, let me just show you what I have for you,” he said, standing in the open door and looking back. “Owning him will make the Riverwood Trader famous. People will come from all around to shop and buy things from you and Lucan.”
“Fine, but only a couple of minutes,” Camilla said, walking in through the door past Faendal. “This had better…” Her voice trailed off as she saw me.
“Geg me ghe fuck oug of ghif,” I gasped to Camila, and her mouth opened in a little “o” of surprise.
“Faendal, you idiot,” Camilla said, pulling out a belt knife and cutting the noose that kept me in place. “This little pony is an Imperial Courier. Do you know the penalties for what you’ve done?”
“What?” Faendal said, trying to wrap his head around the fact that his “gift” wasn’t turning out the way he planned. “Imperial Courier? What are you talking about? He’s just an animal that’s been trained to make deliveries and pretend to talk.”
“No, Faendal,” Camilla said, reaching down to undo the chains that connected my hobbles. “He actually talks. He made a delivery last night to Delphine and spoke to Ognar. Everyone in the inn heard him, people were talking about it all night.”
“I… I haven’t been in the Sleeping Giant since—” Faendal began, and I could see the realization begin on his face at what he had done.
“Since Hadvar’s friend showed me the letter you wrote,” Camilla said, interrupting him. “The one you tried to use to make me hate Sven.”
“I just wanted to give you something special, something unique to show you how I feel about you,” Faendal said, head hanging and shoulders slumping in defeat.
“I know,” Camilla said, clipping a set of reins Faendal had handy, to my bridle, “and I thank you for him. You realize that I’m going to have to hide him until they stop looking for him?”
I looked at Camilla in shock as she looped the reins around one of her wrists and began to walk out of the house, pulling me with her. I could barely believe it. The woman actually intended to keep me as some sort of display piece at the Riverwood Trader.
“So, does this mean you love me?” Faendal said, the hope in his eyes almost more than I could bear and I realized what had pushed him into doing what he had done.
“It means that I’m willing to give you another chance,” Camilla said, pulling me out into the early morning daylight. “This could be just what I need to convince Lucan to try to bring in some more customers.”
“Awe wou beobwe aww cwazw?” I demanded, digging my hooves into the ground.
“Either you cooperate,” Camilla said softly, into my ear, “Or I’ll have Faendal slit your throat right here, right now. A stuffed pony won’t be as good as a live one, but if you give me any trouble I have no problems with that.” I gulped as I realized that she was dead serious, and I resumed a normal walking stance.
“Good pony, I can tell that we’ll get along fine,” Camilla said, and I followed along, with Faendal bringing up the rear. Luck was with me though as not five minutes later we ran smack into Alvor and Dorthe.
“You found him!” Alvor said, then frowning a moment later as it became obvious I was a captive. “What’s going on here, Camilla?”
“Pony!” Dorthe said, shooting forward past Camilla to grab onto me. “I was worried when you didn’t come back. Father and I have been looking everywhere.”
“Dorthe, move away from them. Now,” Alvor said, in a voice that brooked no dissent and he pulled a heavy blacksmith’s hammer from his belt. Dorthe looked at me with surprise on her face, but moved away when I made a shoo’ing motion with my head.
“It’s my fault,” Faendal said, coming up to me and beginning to work the bridle straps. “I was so upset about Camilla rejecting me that I thought I could give the pony to Camilla as a gift.”
“And that she would take you back,” Alvor finished for the elf, before looking Camilla in the eye. “That doesn’t explain why you’re dragging him off like a Stormcloak to his execution.”
“I… that is,” Camilla sputtered.
“Camilla was going to use me as an attraction for Riverwood Trader,” I said, as Faendal pulled the bridle free. “But not until the heat died down.”
“Camilla, you’re from High Rock,” Alvor said, shaking his head. “So you might not know that this isn’t how we do things in Skyrim. By Ysmir, I’ve a mind to give you a good thrashing. Pony, you’re the one they harmed, what do you think we should do with them?”
“Nothing,” I said. Alvor looked surprised, Dorthe smiled, Camilla looked speculative and Faendal looked like a beaten man. “When this gets out their reputations in Riverwood are going to be ruined. That’s what I want done to them. I want people to know what they tried to do and why.”
“You can’t do that!” Camilla exclaimed, her face going pale. “You’ll ruin me and Lucan. We’ll be run out of town, in the middle of another war.”
“Maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to hold me captive and threaten to have me killed if I tried to resist,” I said, anger in my voice. “Faendal, I can kind of forgive. What he did was bad, but he did it because he was blinded by passion, but you… you made a conscious decision to do something wrong. You had the chance to do the right thing and all you could see was a pile of gold coins.”
“It wasn’t like that!” Camilla protested. “Faendal made—”
“Do we need to get the guards and let the Jarl decide this?” I asked, and Camilla closed her mouth and slowly shook her head.
“I’ll go pack my things,” Faendal said, still not looking up. “You’ll never have to worry about me again.”
“I think the courier is being very reasonable,” Alvor said, folding his arms over his chest. “You should be thankful he isn’t insisting the Jarl be brought into this.”
“I’ll go tell Lucan what’s happened,” Camilla said, and we let her turn and walk away.
“Faendal, don’t go quite yet,” I said, as an idea came to me. “How would you like to make it up to me?”
“I’d like nothing better, but no one is going to forgive or forget this,” the Bosmer said, spreading his hands wide.
“What if you weren’t around for people to get mad at?” I asked Faendal. “What if people saw you doing the right thing?”
“What do you mean?,” Faendal asked, finally looking at me. “What could I possibly do to make up for all this?”
“Skyrim is a dangerous place,” I said, matter of factly. “I’m not a fighter, and there’s a civil war going on. I could use a bodyguard and I know for a fact you’re a good shot with that bow of yours.” Faendal had the grace to look embarrassed
“I’ve got three deliveries left,” I continued to the elf, who had that look of hope again in his eyes. “Keep me alive until I’m done my job in Skyrim is done and I’ll consider us even.”
“I’ll do it,” Faendal said. “From this point on, I’ll guard your hide like it was my own.”
“Alright then,” I said, holding out a hoof which Faendal gravely shook. “Go grab whatever you think you’re going to need and meet me back at Alvor’s in half an hour.”
“Tell you what,” I said, seeing the sun nearly at its peak and knowing I was going to have to run to make Whiterun before dark. “Next time I’m by this way you can make something for me, okay?”
“Whatever you need,” Alvor said, shaking my hoof, and then looking over at Faendal standing behind me. “You take care of my friend, understood.”
“On my honour,” Faendal said, hand over his heart. “The only way anything will hurt him is over my dead body.” Alvor nodded, Dorthe tried to strangle me one last time, and Faendal and I set off down the road that headed toward Whiterun and other places.
It was a bright sunny day and I alternated between trotting and cantering while my bodyguard loped behind me in a surprisingly efficient jog. I probably should have just done a fast walk, but I still had that problem with my canter being off every few strides and I really wanted to even it out. Long Strides had been firm that the only real cure for it was practice, practice, practice. So that’s what I did for the next few hours as I travelled along the uneven stones of the road.
The sun still had a couple of hours to go before it touched the far horizon, when we reached the point of decision. We could go cross the bridge to my left and head over to Whiterun. Pick up some supplies, maybe hire the wagon to get me to either Solitude or Riften with ease and safety.
Or, I could go follow the road ahead. A little further on, I knew there would be a path going up the steep hillside to a guarded cave entrance. Once inside, there would be an old blind guy, but everyone else would be armed and on their guard. I could probably bullshit our way through all of them, as other than excessively grabby ten year old girls and love sick elves, everyone seemed to respect my status as a courier.
However, that would take a lot of time, and considering what time of day it was we would be looking at night by the time we got out of there. Bodyguard or not, I did not want to be outside of a city or town after dark.
“We’ve got a delivery in the hills up here,” I explained to Faendal, who just stood there, catching his breath. “But I don’t want to be outside after sundown, any suggestions?”
“We could,” Faendal began, pausing again to catch his breath. “We could stop in at Whiterun. There are rooms to rent at the inn there, we could even make a courtesy call on Jarl Balgruuf.”
“Ya, I think you’re right,” I said, turning to my left. “Let’s go visit Whiterun.”
Whiterun was big. No, I mean really, really big. I remember playing the game, and from the spot on the bridge to the front gates it was like five minutes, tops, to get into town. It took us half an hour at a jog to make it around to the front gates. Which were protected by more than the two or three guards I was used to seeing.
Multiple groups, each made up of four big armored men and distinctive in their helmets and horsehead shields, watched us approach. There was a pretty big crowd on the road as well, who were either on their way into the city before the sun fell, or headed out to one of the dozens of small, sturdy, Nord homes that Faendal and I had passed on the way up here. It wasn’t until we actually reached the gates themselves that we were challenged.
“Halt, state your business in Whiterun,” a guard said. He was a big guy. Balgruuf seemed to hire for size in his guard force, like Napoleon did for his Old Guard. The large man stood between us and the city, just as the last of the sun began to slide off the buildings.
“We seek shelter for the night,” Faendal said, being careful to keep his hands from his weapons and his tone of voice respectful. “We thought we could rent a bed in one of the inns. Is there any problem with that, guard?”
“As long as you keep your bow unstrung and the Jarl’s peace intact,” the guard said, stepping aside. “You and your pet are welcome in Whiterun. Make sure to clean up any messes he makes, eh?”
“Thank you, guard,” Faendal said, making a show of unstringing his bow, then taking the bowstring and putting it away in his pack. “We will keep the peace.”
“See that you do,” the guard said, as a last comment before turning to a group behind us.
If the outside of Whiterun had been impressive while jogging around its outside, nothing could have prepared me for what was inside the walls. The place was packed with people of all sizes, shapes and colours everywhere. Elves, humans, even a couple of Orcs, milled around in what sounded like a dozen languages. Over it all, I could hear the distinctive sound of metal being worked from the forge that I knew had to be just up ahead and to the right.
“Hey, I’d like to order something from Warmaiden’s,” I said to Faendal. “Won’t take a second.”
“We should try to rent a room in an inn first,” Faendal said, frowning a bit. “With night coming there’ll be a rush on. Unless…”
“Unless what?” I said, pausing in my mission to head to the famous blacksmith. I wanted to find out if she really did sound like Susan Ivanova.
“We could always pay a visit to Dragonsreach itself and see if the Jarl would guest us for the night,” Faendal said, rubbing his chin while the crowd moved and flowed around us. It was kind of nice that no one seemed to be freaking out that the elf was talking to a pony, who was talking back.
“That’s not a bad idea,” I said, thinking out loud. “In fact, it’s a pretty good idea. We can plead my status as a courier. From what I hear the Jarl is a pretty decent sort, and we would definitely be safe for the night. Let’s go.”
“What did you want to get from the blacksmith’s?” Faendal asked, as we turned aside to walk up the hill.
“Oh, I was wanting to commision or buy a couple of pieces of jewelry,” I said, as I pictured Derpy wearing a ruby necklace and Luna with a silver cuff bracelet.
“Oh ho,” Faendal said, a smile crossing his face. “I’ve seen that look on my own face before. You’ve got a special lady in mind. Or, is that a special mare?”
“Mares, plural,” I said, still seeing the smiles on their faces as I gave the gifts to them. “I’m good friends with both of them. Beyond that, things are still kind of complicated. Besides, it never hurts to give a lady something pretty.”
“Not unless it’s an amulet of Mara,” Faendal replied, as we made our way into the market circle at the top of the first hill. “Especially if she doesn’t return the sentiment.”
I felt a phantom hand slide down my mane and along my spine at the name of the goddess who had staked a claim on me. My body twitched in a involuntary full body shake to throw off the feeling. If anything though, the feeling of hands on my body intensified as the phantoms traced the outlines of an immaterial harness being strapped to my body.
“Harnessed to my purpose,” a voice whispered in my ear, and I was about to reply when the feeling of tightening belts left my body. I looked up, to see Faendal looking back down at me in concern.
“It’s nothing,” I said, reassuring the elf. “Mara likes to remind me occasionally that she has plans for me.”
“You’ll have to tell me about that,” the elf said, as we pushed up the hill to the upper areas of the city, and as we did I was sure I could hear a feminine giggle.
We emerged up onto a large, round plaza that was dominated by a massive tree. The sucker had to be at least a hundred feet tall and a solid ten across. I recognized Gildergreen in an instant, even though I was once again taken aback by how big everything was compared to how it had been in the game. Even that crazy Talos preacher wasn’t alone, but instead was the head of a group of evangelists. I laughed out loud as a thought hit me.
“What’s so funny?” my companion asked, staying in front of me to clear a path for us.
“He’s preaching about Talos,” I said, and Faendal made a ‘go on’ gesture. “He’s a Talovangelist.” I laughed some more, and my bodyguard looked at me like I was a crazy person.
“We should get a move on if we want to get there before dinner,” he said, trying to restore some sanity to our relationship. I sobered, nodding in agreement and we both stepped forward briskly through the crowd while I did my best to stop rubbernecking at everything.
“It’s almost supper,” complained the guard at the door to the entrance to Dragonsreach, when we got there about fifteen minutes later. “The Jarl isn’t hearing any more petitioners today.”
“My companion is a courier,” Faendal said, as I trailed in his wake. “We’ve come to request the Jarl’s hospitality for the night.”
“That’s a pony, not a courier,” the guard said, displeasure in his voice. “Off with you and your cheap tricks, elf.”
“I am a courier,” I said, piping up and I could see the guard’s eyes bulge, even through his helmet. “Are you going to be the one to have to explain why you turned away such an unusual creature as myself from the Jarl’s court?”
“Not sure if you’re pulling a fast one, elf,” the guard said. His voice was still dour, but he put his hand on the door to open it. “But even if you are, the Jarl would be interested in seeing how you’re doing it. Okay, you can go in. Talk to Avenicci and he’ll assign you a place.”
We went on in, and the place wasn’t all that full. Almost immediately Faendal and I were noticed by two separate individuals with very different agendas.
“A pony? I want him!” declared a young girl wearing very nice clothes. “Steward, fetch me that pony.”
“I believe he already belongs to someone,” said a tall man, who I recognized as Proventus Avenicci. The guy had only given my character about eight thousand quests to kill bandits, so his features were pretty familiar to me. Ignored, the little girl stomped off in a huff to complain to someone else about not getting what she wanted.
“This is a courier who seeks the Jarl’s hospitality for the night,” Faendal said, indicating me. “With the war and everything else…” He let his voice trail off.
“As long as you don’t mind sleeping in the Great Hall, we have room for you,” Avenicci said, misunderstanding my bodyguard’s comment, and checking some notes. “Please take a seat at one of the lower benches.”
Faendal and I looked at each other and we both sort of gave a “whatever” shrug, while the steward turned to talk to some other people. We were just settling ourselves at the table when a mountain of a man stepped in front of us.
“What’s this then?” said the bearded wall of armored muscle. “I knew security here was terrible but this isn’t right. My brother doesn’t allow pets in his hall.”
“Faendal may be an elf,” I said, deciding to put a stop to this whole thing here and now. “But he’s no pet.”
“By the Nine, it talks,” Hrongar said, taking a step back and putting his hand on the hilt of his sword.
“Walks, talks, slices, dices and makes julienne fries,” I said, and with deliberate calm I picked up a heel of bread and took a bite. “Anything I can do for you?”
“What seems to be the matter, Hrongar?” Jarl Balgruuf said, from the high table. I tried to keep calm as guards began to surround us, taking their cue from the Jarl’s brother.
“I don’t, I can’t believe it, brother,” Hrongar said, leaning forward. “There’s a little pony here at the table. Sitting, eating and talking like a regular person.”
“Talking? Irileth, bring this new wonder of the Age forward,” Balgruuf said. The housecarl came down the line of tables to stand beside Hrongar, half drawing her sword.
“Are you going to come with me, or do I have to make you?” the grumpy Dunmer asked, staring at me.
“Come on, Faendal,” I said, putting down the piece of bread. “Looks like we get to meet the Jarl.” Escorted past the diners who looked and pointed at us, we quickly found ourselves standing in front of the Jarl of Whiterun.
“By Ysmir, it’s true. A talking little pony, here in my hall,” Balgruuf said, gesturing with an eating knife. “Do you really speak, or is this some sort of trick by the elf. No offense, elf. If it is a trick, it’s a good one.”
“I’m a courier, noble Jarl,” I piped up, bowing low to the man. “As such, I have the powers of speech and reason. Faendal here is my protector.”
“Protector?” Balgruuf said, raising an eyebrow even as he waved most of the guards away. “Couriers don’t need protection. If there is one thing the Empire and the Stormcloaks agree on, it is that the person of a courier is not to be touched.”
“As you may notice, I am not a person. In the strictest sense,” I said, indicating my furry chest. “I’m a pony. There is a war on, dragons in the skies, and there’s been at least one attempt to chain me to a stall for the rest of my life.” Faendal tried to hide his embarrassment, but Balgruuf picked up on it.
“What say you, elf?” Balgruuf said, his tone sharpening. “Did you have something to do with what this po—courier is telling me.” Faendal looked like he’d been hit with the Jarl’s axe as he stood there, open mouthed and trying to find something to say in his defence.
“He did, great Jarl,” I said, and I saw a storm gather behind the Jarl’s eyes. “But he did so out of misguided love for the wrong woman. When he realized how wrong his actions were, he asked my forgiveness and offered to protect me in my travels, even if it should cost him his own life. I accepted his offer and his apology.”
“And now he travels with you, paying off his debt of honor like a true Nord,” Balgruuf said, nodding as the rising fury behind his eyes dissipated. “I can respect someone working to overcome their past. Very well, come and sit here near me. I’m sure you have many stories to tell of your travels, and I’m sure my court would like to hear them. Proventus, see to it that our friends here have a bed tonight. Wouldn’t want anyone to think they’re part of the common rabble now.”
After that things went pretty well. The food was great. The meal at Alvor’s had been plain, but hearty. This was rich and savory food, and I even got to try a sweet roll. Holy crap, those things were good. Conversation ebbed and flowed around us as the meal progressed, but things got a little dicier though when the topic got to the civil war.
“Who do you think has the right of it?” Farengar asked me. He’d been looking at me in a weird way all through the meal. I don’t know what it was, but something in the look screamed, “THREAT” to every one of my pony instincts.
“May I tell a small story?” I asked, looking at my host for permission.
“We Nords love stories and songs,” Balgruuf said, smiling. “Go right ahead, little courier.”
“The land I live in now, is ruled by two immortal pony sisters,” I began, noticing a woman writing down my words. “Light and dark. One rules during the day, the other by night. All their lands benefited from their wise and loving rule. But the sister that watched over the night did not get the praise and honours she thought were her due. Enraged by what she saw as disrespect, she rose up in rebellion against her sister.”
“Wait, you said they’re immortal. Are they Divine?” Hrongar asked, looking somewhat offended.
“Some call them goddesses, but they don’t call themselves that,” I said, mollifying the big Nord. “They are however, very powerful. Being blessed with the greatest strengths of all three of the pony tribes.”
“Three tribes?” came from Farengar. “There are three different kinds of your people?”
“Yup,” I tossed back. “There are pegasi, whose wings give them the power of flight and control over the weather. Unicorns, whose horns give them the power to cast spells and use magic at will. Finally, there are Earth ponies like myself. We draw power from the earth, giving us great strength and endurance.”
“A good attribute for a courier,” Balgruuf said, nodding sagely.
“Exactly so, Jarl Balgruuf,” I said, continuing. “So, as you can imagine, when the Sisters fought, their battle nearly tore the sky itself in half as they fought with hoof, wing and horn.”
“They fought a duel, then,” Balgruuf said, a small smile touching his lips. “Kept everyone else out of it, and worked it out between themselves. Good for them. What happened?”
“Fueled by her fury and rage, the younger sister began to overcome the elder, determined to bring Night Eternal to their kingdom. At last, she who ruled the day had no choice but to summon the seven most powerful magical artifacts in all the land to her side,” I said, knowing I was stretching the story a bit. “Using their power, she banished the Night Princess to the moon for a thousand years, until a magic could be created to cleanse the anger and jealousy from her sister’s heart.”
“It sounds like almost a perfect ending,” Hrongar said. “No one got hurt, other than the one sister and things were over quickly.”
“Not quickly,” I said, seeing eyebrows twitch in surprise. “You see, the younger sister had a point. She really hadn’t been getting the respect she was due, and it was only after everything was said and done that the older sister realized that much of the blame for what had happened lay at her hooves as well.” I took a breath.
“And at every sunrise and sunset, she sang a song of sorrow and regret to her sister, trapped on the moon so very far away,” I said, and then I gave them the words to the lullaby that Luna had heard coming up to her from Equestria, every night for a thousand years.
“Why don’t you sing it yourself, pony?” the woman who had been writing down everything I’d been saying.
“I’m a pony,” I said, laughing. “I can’t sing worth beans. If I tried it would just come out as braying.” I didn't want to admit that pony or person, I couldn't carry a tune in a basket.
“Do I have your permission to try? You said it was a lament, yes?” she asked, and I nodded my permission. The whole hall went silent as the woman began to sing.
“Did I get it right?” she asked, in the silence that followed after the last notes of her voice.
It was all I could do to nod. She hadn’t just gotten it right, she’d gotten it perfectly. Every note had been coated with Celestia’s sorrow and regret over what she had been forced to do. Every person in the hall had felt the pain of the Solar Sister as she had risen and lowered the moon, each day for a thousand years.
“So, you are no brute beast after all, something of a poet perhaps,” Farengar said, breaking the silence. “I see the point you were trying to make through the song, however. There is always pain when brother fights brother, or sister fights sister in the case of your people.”
“This is why my side is the side of Whiterun,” Balgruuf rumbled from his chair, his voice pitching to carry through the hall. “You’ve done us a service pony, by reminding us why this damn war needs to end, and soon.”
“Courier,” the woman said to me, approaching the table. “May I have your permission to perform this song in the future, for others?”
“Ya, um… yes, you have my permission,” I said, mainly because it would have been a crime to deny her after that kind of performance.
She inclined her head in thanks, and a strange expression crossed her face. Happiness, and greed combined, along with something else I just couldn’t recognize. As she went back to where she had been sitting, I noticed that several of the diners had begun to get up and start to leave. Apparently, the song had been a cue that the meal was over and now was the time for after dinner things.
“Courier,” Balgruuf said, addressing me. “I would like to have a word or two with you. Your protector may come as well.”
“Sure,” I said, getting up from the table. Faendal and I fell in behind the Jarl, who waved Farengar over to join us. The four of us made our way over to the court wizard’s work room and office.
“I have a job for you of my own, little courier,” the Jarl said, once we were somewhat private. “I’d like you to deliver a letter to Ulfric Stormcloak and General Tullius of the Legion, inviting them here to discuss a truce, maybe even the start of negotiations. Whiterun isn’t High Hrothgar, but it is central to all of Skyrim and we’ve kept ourselves apart from both sides, so far. I’ll make the task worth your while.”
“I don’t know, Jarl,” I said, thinking it over. “It’s not that I don’t want to help you, but I still have deliveries to make, and I’d like to get home sometime soon.”
“Which of the Nine do you look to, pony?” Balgruuf asked, sounding a little irritated that I hadn’t accepted the job right off the bat. “I can only think that a follower of Arkay would deny a chance at ending the fighting.”
“Arkay is a bit of a suck up to his daddy,” I said, remembering my meeting with the Divines, and I got the weirdest sensation on the back of my neck. Like someone was trying to pull me backwards, but I ignored it and pressed on. “It’s just that I have someone waiting back home for me. Besides, it’s not like Nirn is the only game out—”
My words were cut off as a sudden voice thundered in my head, “YOU SHALL NOT REVEAL THE NATURE OF THEIR REALITY TO THEM. ONLY OUR CHOSEN PROPHETS SHALL DO SO.”
I had a sudden flash of insight. Those bastards. The assholes at Bethesda hadn’t ever needed to create lore for the Elder Scrolls series. The assholes had been taking fucking dictation the whole time from the gods of this world. No wonder the history in game was so rich and in-depth, and the whole concept of the Divines using the game devs like that just pissed me off in a huge way.
“Hey, I passed your trial, and I have free will, so you can fuck right off,” I said, in the vaults of my mind to the voice, thoroughly annoyed. Aloud, I said, “Just so you know, Nirn is actually—”
“IT SEEMS YOU NEED A LESSON IN HUMILITY,” the voice thundered, and I felt straps wrapping around my head, muzzling me with excessive firmness. “PERHAPS WHEN THE DAWN COMES, AND SPEECH IS YOURS AGAIN, YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT SO LONG AS YOU WALK IN OUR REALM YOUR WILL IS SUBJECT TO OUR OWN.”
“What just happened?” Balgruuf asked in surprise, looking to the other two in the room while I pawed at the muzzle with zero effect. There was no slack at all in the piece of tack, and my mouth may as well have been welded shut by the straps that clamped my mouth closed.
“Look at the noseband,” Farengar said, pointing to my face. “That’s Akatosh’s symbol. If I had to wager a guess I’d say our young friend here managed to annoy one of the Divines just now.”
“Don’t feel too bad, little pony,” Balgruuf said, a hint of laughter in his voice. “We’re all pawns in the schemes of the gods. Now, what say you about my proposal?”
I made a lot of “mmph”ing sounds combined with waving my hoofs around trying to say, “Are you serious? I just got Godsmacked, and you want me to play mailman for you?”
“Jarl Balgruuf,” Faendal said, interjecting as he saw Balgruuf start to frown. “My employer here was trying to commision or purchase some jewelry earlier for some special women, I mean mares, in his life. Perhaps that…”
“Hah!” Balgruuf laughed. “It seems the life of a male is no less complicated whether you are a man, an elf, or a pony. Farengar, might you have something from your enchanting work that would suffice?”
“I believe so, my Jarl,” Farengar said, going over to his enchanting station and rummaging a bit before coming back with a pair of large silver circles. “These are a pair of circlets I’ve added a couple of minor enchantments too. Nothing major, but perhaps suitable?”
I heard the question in his voice and turned my gaze to the circlets. Both were made of silver, one holding what I recognized to be a large moonstone, and the other had some form of cloudy quartz, I think. They would make great presents for Luna and Derpy. Call it fate, kismet, a pushy Jarl, or even the will of the Gods, something was driving me to make this run for Balgruuf. I shrugged my shoulders and nodded. What could go wrong with a simple delivery to the heads of the most powerful factions in Skyrim.
Yeah, I didn’t believe that either.
“Thank you, courier,” the Jarl said, clapping me on the shoulder. “These things from the gods usually don’t last long, or only until you do what they want you to do, so I’m sure that muzzle will come off in time.” I nodded, which was about all I could do.
“Excellent,” Balgruuf added, while everyone else stood around like idiots, including myself. “Proventus will see you and your guard to your rest. Meanwhile, I’ll have those letters ready for you by morning, along with some food for the road. Good night, and fast journey little pony.”
About twenty-odd minutes later, I was curling up on a straw bed just off the kitchens. There had been only the one bed, and I’d tried to offer it to Faendal. With my size and floof I didn’t really need a bed, although having one was nice. Faendal, was tall and had been on his feet all day, but he’d waved me off when I tried to use my limited ability at charades to get him to use the bed.
“I’m fine, I’ll just lean against the wall,” he said, but he didn’t object when I lobbed the pillow his way. “Wouldn’t be right for you not to have the bed.” I rolled my eyes, lay my head down and was quickly asleep.
I sighed as I looked around the grassy meadow that was full of the scent of wildflowers, the hum of insects, and the warmth of summer. Another freaking dream visitation. This could not be good for my REM cycles. I swear, if I went crazy from lack of proper sleep, I was going to sue somebody.
“Good evening, James,” Mara said, sitting in the tall grass a couple of dozen feet away, the very image of a mother goddess with her flowing white dress and a crown of flowers in her hair. “Come and sit by me.”
“Screw you,” I said, still pissed about the muzzle thing. My bad mood went up a couple of notches when I realized I hadn’t said anything coherent at all. The damn muzzle was stuck onto my dream self as well. I growled, the only sound really left to me that could indicate just how annoyed I was getting.
“Come here, James,” Mara said, the humour leaving her as one of her hands dropped into the grass around her. “Now, please.”
“Pony not like smiling God lady,” my growl might have translated as. “Pony say, ‘screw you too’.”
“James, you can either walk over here like a civilized being,” Mara said, and her hand drew taut the lead that ran between her hand and my collar. “Or, I can drag you over here like an animal. Your choice.”
I growled again, but stomped over to the fertility goddess, my hooves leaving deep divots in the loam as I came over. I noticed as I did, that the lead between us never slackened, as it shrank of its own accord while I closed the distance before coming to a halt in front of her.
“Oh James,” Mara said, reaching out to ruffle my mane a bit as my obedience restored her good humour. “You have the fire of youth, but it’s impetuous nature as well. What did you think was going to happen when you tried to defy a being with the power Akatosh has? You need to learn a little discretion, my pony.”
I grumbled loudly, but inside I knew Mara had a point. Okay, so maybe Akatosh was using game devs as cheap prophets. What business was it of mine? It hadn’t hurt anyone as near as I could tell, and was it really cheating if the lore wasn’t really from the imagination of other people? I whuffed out a breath and lay my head down at her feet in acceptance of the situation.
“Good boy,” Mara said, petting me, and as she did I could feel her power roll through me in cleansing waves. “Your ability to remain open to ideas and concepts is one of the things I like about you. It also makes you a danger.” I made a questioning noise as I raised my nose off the ground to look the goddess in the eye.
“You are an outside influence,” Mara said, a small secretive smile on her face. “A force of self-willed chaos in a realm that except for three occasions, has been strictly governed by ordered prophecy.” Considering who my employer was, that made sense in a strange sort of way.
“It’s why many of my fellow Divines look upon you as a threat, and the true reason we intercepted you on the edge of our realm,” Mara said, the smile fading away to the most serious look I’d ever seen her wear. “What Jarl Balgruuf has asked of you is just a small fraction of the changes, you could bring into being. Many of the gods fear these changes. I do not. Life needs the challenges a little chaos brings, so it can grow tall and strong.” Impulsively, I leaned my muzzled face against her leg in thanks.
“I wish I could keep you, as my own pet pony. Much as Clavicus keeps Barbas,” Mara said, and I wasn’t sure if that should make me happy or scared. “You are certainly better to have around than that mongrel, but time runs short, and your greatest trial approaches. There are three things you need to know.” I gave Mara my full attention.
“First,” Mara said, pulling me close so that our faces were mere inches apart. “From now until you leave Nirn, your fellow Equestrians will not be allowed to intervene in any way. Second, I cannot help you either, except to insure that the only agencies acting against you are mortal ones. Finally, if it all goes wrong, remember the ball of power I put inside of you.” Everything around us began to shake, as if the land was being struck by an earthquake.
“You are being woken,” Mara said, ruffling my mane one final time. “Good luck, my little pony.” My eyes creaked open a moment later, to see Farengar shaking my shoulder. It was still dark out, and I was still muzzled.
“You need to get up and get out of Whiterun,” he said, urgency plain on his face. “You are in terrible danger.”
As Farengar gave me his warning, my heart rate went from resting to about 8 billion in half a second. I don’t know what could be a threat to me here, on a bed in Dragonsreach except maybe… My adrenaline found a whole new gear to ramp my system up as I jumped off the bed and started shaking Faendal awake.
Short of a full scale invasion, there was really only one thing that could threaten me here. A dragon, and Akatosh was the “Dragon God of Time,” to quote the line from the RPG. He must have sent a dragon to come over and lay the smite down on me. It had just taken awhile for one to get here.
“What?” Faendal said, grabbing me as he came to. “What’s going on?” Still muzzled, I pointed to Farengar.
“We have to get you out of Dragonsreach, and Whiterun, right away,” Farengar said, and I could see he wasn’t his usual natty self.
“What’s wrong?” Faendal said, getting up and quickly getting his boots on and checking his gear.
“The Companions came to see the Jarl a little while ago,” the wizard said, leaning back to look back up the corridor toward the main hall. “It seems someone has placed a bounty on our courier here and the Companions mean to collect. They want the pony, and they want him now.”
“I take it the Jarl isn’t about to hand us over to them,” Faendal said, finishing getting his gear together and checking to make sure I had everything.
“No, he’s not,” Farengar said, leading us down some stairs to a lower level of the keep. “Jarl Balgruuf, I’m proud to say, is a true nord. You broke bread with him, and that obligates him to protect you while you and the pony are under his roof.”
“Then why are you taking us to the dungeons?” Faendal asked, and I noticed his hand was on his belt knife.
“Warriors,” Farengar muttered, while rolling his eyes. “Always thinking their blades are the only thing that needs to be sharp.”
“I swore to protect James, and that’s what I mean to do. If you, or the Jarl intend—” Faendal began.
“The Jarl has obligations as a host to the pony, but he also has obligations to the Companions,” Farengar said, his hand on the handle of an iron bound door. “He is balancing his need to honour guest-right, while not offending warriors who have performed several favors in the past for Whiterun. Warriors who would make an excellent auxiliary to the guard if they can be swayed to the Jarl’s service.”
“Oh,” Faendal said, and I could see him relax as he understood the politics at play. “What are we doing down here then?”
“I’m taking you out of Dragonsreach through one of the side doors,” the wizard said. "From there I’ve arranged for one of the guards to let you out the city gates with no one the wiser.”
“Sorry,” Faendal said, grimacing. “It’s been a rough few days.”
“I imagine it has,” Farengar said, opening the door and leading us through the dungeon until we came to another door. “On the other side of this door is the guard who will get you out of Whiterun. Good luck.” As he made to open the door I put a hoof against his leg and looked up at him.
“What is it, pony?” the wizard asked, and I pointed to my saddlebags while raising an eyebrow in mute question.
“I had completely forgotten, thank you,” Farengar said, and reaching into his robes he pulled out a few things. “Here are the letters the Jarl would like you to deliver, plus some coin for your trouble and some food for the road. Along with the circlets for your… mares.” I nodded my thanks while Faendal divided up the load between us.
“Thank you,” Faendal said, as Farengar opened the door.
We hurried out the door, to where a guard was waiting as promised, and we could barely see him in the pre-dawn gloom. He motioned us forward without a word and Faendal and I followed him around the side of the massive building. It was a clear night, with just a sliver of a moon to see by. The cold night air penetrated my fur, and I did my best to ignore it.
A far deadlier chill ran up my spine though as we reached the long stairs back down toward the plaza that held the Gildergreen. Looking back along the walkway to the main entrance of Dragonsreach, I could clearly see the balance of the Companions standing by the big double doors in a pool of torchlight. It made me wonder just how much the bounty on me was, if it had drawn out all of the warrior band.
“Is there someone with that guard?” I heard a woman with a bow on her back ask, and a cold sweat broke out along my spine. Every instinct I had, both human and pony, started screaming at me to run, but I held myself to a walk knowing that running would be like holding up a sign saying, "Here he is." Thank god our guard seemed to have picked up on things and started hurrying us down the wide stairs.
“I’ve set up a diversion,” the guard said, to us as we neared the halfway point. “It won’t slow them down for long, but it should give us a bit of a lead.”
“I think I see them,” a deep throated male voice called out from the top. I was just about to shit a brick and switch to four wheel panic mode when another voice made itself known.
“Greetings, brother!” Heimskr said, stepping in front of the tall warrior who had spotted us. “Talos told me you would be here, and so you are. You are here to hear the words of the mighty Talos! Talos the unerring, Talos the unassailable!”
“Out of my way,” the warrior said, even as Heimskr’s acolytes surrounded the Companions.
“Listen to me, brother,” Heimskr said, and I could hear that smile in his voice. “Talos is a god of warriors, for he fought many battles when he lived among us as a man. Would you, a warrior, risk the wrath of the God of Warriors? Would you risk the anger of powerful and mighty Talos? Before whom all of us are mere maggots, crawling in the earth.”
There was more, and not even the muzzle of the gods could keep a small chuckle from escaping me as we continued on our way down. The Companions were neatly stuck in place until Heimskr finished his sermon to them. As I could attest from ongoing experience, one does not tick off the gods of Tamriel without consequences.
“I wrote off some of his fines for being a public nuisance,” the guard said, as we passed the Gildergreen. “We need to hurry though. The old wound from when I took an arrow to the knee slows me down a bit.”
“I’ve been wanting to ask a guard about that ever since the detachment came to Riverwood,” Faendal asked, as we strode along the nearly deserted streets. “Why do so many of you have old arrow wounds in your knees?” I knew that somehow at that moment, there were a thousand thousand pairs of ears listening in for the answer.
“Simple,” the guard said, who was beginning to develop a limp. “Most of us used to be soldiers, and a soldier holds the line and keeps his shield up over his body. Knees are the target most unprotected that you can survive getting hit in.”
“Makes sense, I guess,” Faendal said, as we neared the gates. “How long until sunrise?”
“About an hour, I think,” the guard said, who paused to talk to his fellows at the gate. “Damn, you’ve got to move. The Companions aren’t more than five minutes behind us. Get out of here, and we’ll slow them down as much as we can.”
“Thank you,” Faendal said, clapping the guard on the shoulder.
“Just help the courier do his job and help the Jarl keep the peace,” the guard said, as the big gate creaked open just enough to let us through. “Besides, this is better than breaking up drunken fights or dealing with petty thieves.”
The two of us set out at a jog, and I wondered what we were going to do. The Companions were probably at least as fast as us, and Faendal was more of a hunter than a warrior. Not to mention we were outnumbered at least four to one. I was trying to think of options when my nose bumped into Faendal’s butt as he came to a sudden halt.
“Khajiit has wares, if you have coin,” said the voice of a Khajiit merchant who was sitting in front of one of their low, long tents at the side of the big road that lead up to the gates. I had no idea who he was, but he sat there radiating confidence and the desire to help us empty our coin pouches.
“Does Khajiit have a place we can hide?” Faendal asked. “There are some unpleasant people after us.”
“All things are possible, with coin,” the merchant said, lifting the flap of the tent behind him. “Ten gold will rent you time in my tent.”
“Ten now, and ten later if you do a good job of hiding us,” Faendal said, and the cat’s eyes seemed to glow.
“Your custom is as welcome as the warm sands of Elsweyr,” the cat said, motioning us in and we wasted no time getting into the tent and laying down. Another couple of Khajiit ladies put blankets over us, while a couple of crates went in front to make sure there was no line of sight between us and the opening of the tent.
The blanket was welcome for it’s warmth, and I had to fight not to go back to sleep in the warm darkness. A clawed hand sliding along my mane under the blanket brought me back to full awareness in an instant.
“Do not worry, elf,” said the Khajiit, in a soft, furry voice even as she stroked my mane and neck. “Ri’saad will keep his bargains until all the sugar in the world turns sour. I will keep your pet calm for you. You are wise to have kept him muzzled so he begin to whinny or give you away to those who follow you.”
Oh, how I wanted to fire back at that remark. In a pig’s eye I was calm. If the situation wasn’t so desperately crazy… My train of thought derailed as some interesting messages from my body made it to my brain. The cat’s clawed hands weren’t just gliding over my mane and body, she was also pushing at distinct places along my neck, head and spine in a deliberate sequence.
In spite of my wanting to stay keyed up and ready for action if we had to make a run for it, I could feel my body betraying my mind by sliding slowly into a deeply relaxed state. All volition came to a grinding halt as her strong paws rubbing at the base of my ears sent me into a totally submissive state of mind. I was awake, I was aware, but I had no intention of doing anything other than just sitting there in the state of mental and physical relaxation I’d been placed in. It was a form of physical hypnotism so powerful I didn’t even react when several pairs of booted feet came running up.
“You there, Cat,” a woman’s voice said. “Have you seen an elf go running past?”
“Ri’saad has seen many elves,” the merchant purred back. “A specific one perhaps?”
“We’re wasting our time,” a man’s deep voice said, gruff and angry sounding. “Thieving cats only care about money.”
“Maybe this will sharpen your memory,” the woman said to Ri’saad, ignoring her companion as a coin made a pinging sound. “We’re looking for an elf, he would have run past in the last while. He would have had a talking pony with him.”
“A talking pony?” Ri’saad asked, rhetorically. “Khajiit has seen no such creature. However, he did see a running elf with a small colt not long ago.” I could feel Faendal stiffen beside me, and my handler stopped playing with my mane and started doing something with my fetlocks.
“A colt?” the angry man asked. “Which way did they go? Answer me, you godsdamned cat.”
“Easy, Farkas,” the woman said, and the hands on my fetlocks drew something snug around them while I lay there calmed and at peace. “The hunt does not go to the angriest hunter, but the one with the most patience. Merchant, was the colt brown, and was the elf a Bosmer?”
“Your eye sees the past, Huntress,” Ri’saad said, pleasure in his voice. “They were such as you say.”
“Which way did they go?” the woman said, and Faendal froze as he lay beside me.
“Down the road, with much haste,” the merchant said, and Faendal’s body relaxed. “It was not long ago.”
“We can still catch them,” Farkas said, and I heard him running off.
“If you see them again,” the woman said, to Ri’saad, “Head to Jorrvaskr and tell my fellow Companions. There will be more coin.”
“Why do you seek them?” Ri’saad asked, with the curiosity of a cat. “Did they wrong you in some way?”
“There is a bounty of 2,000 gold for whoever can catch the pony and bring him back alive,” the woman said, confiding in the Khajiit. “I’m willing to share some of that with you if your information is good.”
“The Khajiit will keep their eyes open,” Ri’saad said, and my handler started playing with my head and neck again. “May you find what you seek.” I heard another set of feet leave and go running off.
“I thought you were going to hand us over to them for a second there,” Faendal said, relief plain in his voice.
“Quiet,” Ri’saad hissed. “The huntress is still nearby. “Atah, how is the pet?”
“Secured and safe,” my handler said, still doing that manual voodoo with her hands. “He is not a problem.”
“Good, we will be as we appear for a time,” Ri’saad said, in a very soft voice. “Boxes under blankets should not move or speak for now.”
Faendal got the hint and shut up. We lay there under the blanket for some decent period of time, and I drifted off into a light doze. So it was with some surprise when the blanket was pulled back and I was able to look up and see the lightening sky.
I lifted my head, a clattering sound from behind my ears making me freeze in place for a moment. Tossing my head, I saw that someone had done up my mane in several braids and woven a series of clay beads into them, which accounted for the clattering sound. The real surprise was when I went to shift my legs to bring them under me and discovered that I had been hobbled.
A set of leather bands had been buckled around each of my fetlocks and had been secured to each other by leather straps, holding me in a loose hogtie. If I jumped up and started pronking I could move, but other than that I was immobilized. I started to get pissed off, but then I saw Faendal, his body covered by a long flowing robe, talking calmly with Ri’saad and I mentally played back the events with the merchant.
The Khajiit had never heard me speak, had never seen me interact with anyone. Their only impression of me was in those first few moments when we had met, when Faendal had found a way to save both our asses. They had to have assumed I was just an oddly coloured and shaped horse. A “colt” Ri’saad had referred to me as.
I kept following the logic trail, a shocking concept even to myself. If I was a colt in the eyes of the Khajiit it meant they thought I was Faendal’s pet, which would in turn explain why the young Khajiit woman had done what she had to me. She had been keeping a potentially skittish and spookable animal calm so as to not give the game away. I’d been hobbled so she could stop handling me for a bit if she needed to. Speaking of which.
“Hello, little one,” said the Khajiit, whose name I think was ‘Atah’. “It is okay, none will harm you. You are safe.”
She kept repeating those words to me in a soft, gentle voice as she sat down beside me. I tried to hold out a couple of my hooves to her in a “get these off of me” gesture, but the moment I did a hand of hers pulled on a strap and all four of my hooves were drawn close together, while her other paw went right to the base of my ears again.
I tried to fight it off, but she had obviously figured out what worked best on me. This time it only took her seconds to wipe out any thoughts I had of doing anything other than just lying there. My brain and body sunk back into neutral bliss, as she rubbed my ears in gentle circles.
“Your pet is obedient, but wilful like all colts when he wants to be,” Atah said, over to Faendal who was walking over with a very mixed expression on his face. “This one would be willing to train him for you. He would be hard for the hunters to find if he was always on the move with our caravan. In time, he could even be bred to a mare of your choosing.” Faendal bit his lip, and I couldn’t tell if he was trying to avoid laughing or avoid showing anger.
“That won’t be necessary,” Faendal said, his face inscrutable. “But thank you for the offer.” Right then, the sun finally cracked the edge of the horizon and as its light spread over the land it touched Akatosh's muzzle, turning to smoke in the wind.
“Please,” I managed to gasp out, as the muzzle’s constant pressure melted away from my head. “Stop… that.” Atah’s fingers stopped only for a moment, but then kept on going and turning my will into putty.
“That is a very good trick,” Atah said to Faendal, who knelt beside us. “This one has been caring for horses all her life and never gotten one to sound like a person.”
“That’s because he is a person,” Faendal said, beginning to pull at my hobbles. “He’s also the person I’ve sworn to protect, so please stop what you’re doing to him. Although it does look like he’s enjoying it.” Atah stopped with her ministrations, and in the time it took Faendal to get the hobbles off me, my brain had managed to reboot itself.
“Holy shit,” I said, right off the bat. “What the hell were you doing to me?”
“Atah has a gift with horses,” Ri’saad said, coming up as well. “It is, but is not magic.”
“How did it feel to you, little colt?” Atah asked me, her nimble paws slipping back into my mane before I had a chance to react. “Hold still, so your mane can be finished.”
“Like my mind had been dipped in warm honey, and finished what?” I asked, holding stock still as my mind decided to paint a nightmare scenario for me. Faendal overwhelmed by the caravan while, Atah overwhelmed my will with her skills before I was bound up and delivered to whoever wanted to pay that huge sum for me.
“We will braid long hairs into your mane and tail using the beads as anchors,” Ri’saad said, putting a paw on my leg. “Long, dyed hairs that will change your colour and shape. It is your best opportunity to avoid the huntress on your trail.”
“Thank you,” I said, relaxing. "You didn’t have to do all this, but I appreciate it. And Faendal, you really came through for me. You could’ve just left me behind, saved yourself, and no one would have known any different. I owe you one.”
“I promised to protect you,” the Bosmer said, smiling proudly. “What’s our next move?”
“I think we should stay off the main roads as much as we can,” I said, ignoring Atah as best I could while she began work on my tail. Damn thing kept flicking around with a mind of its own. “One of my deliveries is to a bandit encampment near here. That will get us off the roads and out of sight for awhile.”
“I have always had a soft place in my heart for those who travel with courage instead of weapons,” Ri’saad said, smiling down at me. “May you journey safely in this hard and cold land. Know that our fires will always be warm for you and your companion.”
When Faendal and I left the Khajiit camp hours later it was as a very different pair of individuals than the two who had run in during the pre-dawn hours. Instead of a Bosmer archer with a small brown pony carrying some saddlebags, there was a Vigilant of Stendarr leading a shaggy black packpony down the road.
We headed down the road that headed east, leaving behind us new friends and a fair bit of coin for their troubles. Atah, for all her skill with equines, never seemed to quite catch onto the idea that my ability to speak and reason wasn’t some clever elf trick with a smarter than usual pony. At least I hoped that’s why she kept offering Faendal increasing amounts of gold to have me “cover” one of the smaller mares of the caravan.
Faendal had to put his foot down when she literally stuck the rear end of a mare into my nose trying to get me to react. To her delight, my body did indeed get ready for mating while my head swam from the perfume filling my brain with things other than coherent thoughts. Not even Mara’s help with my libido was able to shut off pure pony instinct. Lucky for me, Faendal was able to pull me off and into clear air before things got too… interesting.
“Okay, where are we supposed to be going?” Faendal asked me, as we crossed the bridge over the river that went along the east side of the big city.
“Turn left, head up the road a bit, and watch for a trail coming in from the right,” I told the big elf. “Expect some trouble on the road before we see it, though.”
“How do you know that?” Faendal asked, curious.
“Oh no,” I said, laughing a bit. “I just finished getting a muzzle off of me. I am not, repeat not, looking to have another one slapped on me.” I felt a phantom hand slide down my back in an ethereal caress as the words left my mouth.
“He can be trained,” said the laughing whisper in my ear.
Fuck off, Mara, I whispered back in the vaults of my mind. I don’t know if the goddess heard me or not, but I did get a sense of her retreat. I still wasn’t really sure why Mara had taken such an active interest in me. All I knew for sure was that there was no way it could be good.
“Fine,” Faendal said, having missed the entire byplay. “I’ll keep an eye—” The lean Bosmer stopping talking as a long and rangy wolf leaped out of the bushes just ahead. The wolf turned and began to charge toward us, only to get an eye to arrow view of its death as Faendal’s shot cleanly entered the hungry beast’s skull.
“Nice shot,” I said, impressed.
“Thanks,” Faendal said, as he bent down and made an attempt to retrieve his arrow. “Hey, I think I see that path you mentioned up ahead.” I tried not to sound too smug when I replied.
“That should be the one. For some reason there’s always a baddie hanging out in the area down here,” I said, moving beside Faendal and looking up the slope. “Whatever you do, remember that we’re here to do a job. Not engage in fights or condemn these people for what they’ve done.”
“Get in, get out,” Faendal said, standing up again and putting away his bow. “Got it.”
We headed up the rough path leading up the slope until I could just see the beginnings of some rough structures. The sun was out and shining and we were pretty visible and out in the open. It was time to see if we could talk our way in and out of things.
“Hello, the camp!” I called out, feeling very, very exposed to any random arrows that might come our way. Sure enough, one zipped down to plant itself in the ground not two feet away.
“You picked a bad time to get lost, traveler,” a man’s voice growled from above. “How about you hand us about 200 gold for directions?”
“I’m a courier, I’ve got a delivery for your boss,” I called back up the slope. “It’s for him only.”
“Did that pony, just talk?” a woman’s voice above asked her companion.
“Yes, he did,” Faendal yelled, calling back up the slope. “He’s a courier and I’m his bodyguard. We’ve got a delivery here.”
“Never heard of a courier needing a bodyguard before,” the male voice said, and I could hear the creak of a bowstring. “Just hand over that 200 gold before I get myself some fresh horse hide.”
“Maybe you folks might have seen the, oh I don’t know, the FREAKING DRAGONS in the sky?” I yelled back up the slope. “And that’s on top of a damned CIVIL WAR.”
“Okay, okay, don’t get your bridle in a knot,” snarked the female bandit standing up. “If you’ve got a delivery, come on up. But no tricks or you’re for the stewpot.”
“No tricks, Oh Jarl of the Rocks,” I said, snarking right back. “I just want to make my delivery and head to my next job. There’s a nice salt lick waiting for me back home.” Both bandits laughed at that one and they waved us up.
Faendal was asked to unstring his bow, which he did without protest, and we were led into the depths of the bandit cave complex. As we were led past the old blind guy whose name I never could remember, I was forcibly reminded that this wasn’t a game anymore.
The smells in the place were awful. Unwashed bodies, the stink of crap and piss coming out of honey buckets, and everywhere the smell of mold. I actually had to stop a couple of times to sneeze repeatedly while my system tried to clear out my nose. It didn’t work of course.
There were freaking mushrooms everywhere in this cave. Anyplace that those little buggers could grow had been colonized. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. Mushrooms needed food, water and darkness, and this cave had all three in spades thanks to the number of bandits here and how messy they were. Bits of discarded food and drink made for great landing spots for mushrooms spores after all.
Then there were the bandits themselves. Most of them were dirty, smelly and repeatedly eyed me up in ways that made my hooves itch. More than a few of them made open threats to Faendal, who wisely kept quiet, especially in how badly outnumbered we would be if an actual fight broke out. I started to get worried when two of the bandits started following us and studying us carefully while looking at a parchment.
They were just starting to move forward when we reached the far end of the cave system, emerging back out into the light. Faendal and I stood there for a moment blinking as our eyes re-adjusted to the light.
“Who the hell are you?” growled a big, big man in heavy armor. The guy was huge. He looked like he could eat me like a bucket of KFC and then pick his teeth with Faendal’s bow.
“Septims is what they are, Chief,” said one of the bandit bastards, stepping around us to wave the parchment he was carrying. “Look at this.” I heard the scrape of a blade leaving its scabbard and I froze in place while keeping my mouth shut.
“We’re just couriers here to make a delivery,” Faendal said, spreading his hands wide.
“Delivery?” the big, bad bandit asked. “What do you have for me?”
“Tribute,” I said, stepping forward. “We were hired by a merchant to bring this to you.” Reaching back to my saddlebags I pulled out a small cloth sack that jingled nicely. What Hajvarr didn’t know was that along with a handful of gold coins, Meridia’s Beacon was also in the sack.
“I don’t have any merchant friends. Why would a merchant send me something?” Hajvarr asked, looking at the sack until he found the attached scroll with a snort of surprise.
“To the bandits in the mountains near Whiterun,” the bandit chief said, reading the words I’d written earlier. “Please accept this tribute in exchange for safe passage. My caravan will travel past Whiterun in two days flying blue flags. If this is acceptable to you, I will make similar tribute every time I pass near Whiterun.”
“So, when we gonna jump them, boss?” asked the bandit behind me.
“You idiot,” sneered Hajvarr to his minion. “Don’t you see, this is perfect. We don’t even have to leave here anymore. The gold and loot will come to us.”
“I don’t get it,” said the bandit, and it took a force of will the size of Everest to keep me from facehoofing.
“We’ve got the beginnings of a protection racket, only on a big, big scale,” the bandit chief laughed. “Now, take these other two with you and get back to your positions. Our front door’s been left unguarded long enough.”
“But what about…” the minion trailed off as his boss glared at him.
“Get. Back. To. Your. Post,” Hajvarr said, enunciating each word with enough malice for a dragon. The four bandits left, while Faendal and I breathed a sigh of relief. Right until the big man in armor spoke again.
“As for you two,” he growled, slapping the pommel of a huge sword with the flat of his hand. “I know who and what you are.”
“Uh,” I said, trying to think of something to say.
“If you’re trying to hide, you really need to learn to keep your mouth closed,” Hajvarr said, looking the two of us up and down. “Don’t worry though, I have plans for you two that don’t… What in the Nine?”
The sound of metal on metal echoed out from the entrance back into the cave complex, along with shouts of anger, followed by cries of pain. Hajvarr looked at us for an explanation and saw only confusion there. The sounds of battle drew closer, and the big bandit put on his full face helm and drew out his massive sword.
Faendal and I moved over as far as we could to one side of the rocky shelf that was the bandit chief’s favorite spot. Both us knew that there was about to be a fight and both of us knew that we were safest as spectators. Faendal crouched down and threw an arm over me as the body of the bandit who had recognized me flew out of the cave to land at Hajvarr’s feet in a bloody heap.
“Who the fuck are you?” Hajvarr asked as the camp’s attacker burst out of the cave, sword in hand. She was a tall lean woman, clad in a sort of leather armor with steel plates over her vitals. In one hand she carried a gleaming green blade, and her black hair streamed out behind her like a war banner.
“I’m the Thane of Whiterun,” the woman said, aiming a slash at the big man’s head. “You’ve pissed off my Jarl and now I get to play.”
“The only playing you’re going to have is on the end of my cock,” Hajvarr snarled, blocking the strike with the crosstree of his sword and coming at the woman with a huge overhand blow of his own.
“The only cock that gets near me has feathers,” the dark haired Nord taunted, parrying both the verbal slash and the physical one with her sword at an angle. Hajvarr’s huge blade struck sparks as it bounced off the rocks that made up the fighting surface.
“Fucking bandit,” the woman said, hair flowing as she whirled and flung out a beautiful horizontal strike at the big man’s ribs. Hajvarr grunted in pain at the blow, and while there was some blood his armor turned most of the sword’s deadly accuracy. He went to one knee though, so he must have been hurt more than he looked.
It was a feint. As the Thane closed in to strike at the back of Hajvarr’s neck, he brought his sword around far faster than a man of his size should have been able to. Certainly faster than anyone had a right to move a mass of metal that size. The blade whistled up from down low in a rising swipe toward the belly of the woman. Who had only enough time for her eyes to widen in surprise as the strike caught her full in the belly, sending her flying.
Hair again streaming, only in the wrong direction, the tall lean woman flew through the air to impact on the living rock of the mountain itself. It was her turn to collapse to her knees now, blood dripping from her stomach. Her armor had done its job though by turning an instantly fatal wound into something survivable, with treatment. Hajvarr stalked towards her, two handed sword held in a single hand as he lifted the visor of his helm.
“Good try. Now throw that pig sticker down and I’ll let you live,” he said, with a smile that promised a thousand indignities. “‘Course, you’ll have to earn my mercy keeping my dagger well polished. What’s it going to be? Death, or a good fucking whenever I feel like it?”
“I’ve got only one thing to say to you, asshole,” the woman gasped, one hand supporting her while the other fumbled at her belt. “FUS RO”
The edges of the Shout battered Faendal and I, but it had to have been way worse for the bandit chief. The power of the ancient Nord art blasted into him, knocking him back a few paces and staggering him. As the bandit chief recovered his footing, the Dragonborn pulled a pair of slim bottles out of her belt and downed their contents. Almost instantly colour returned to her cheeks and vitality to her limbs as she bounced back up, and leaped back into the fight.
Hajvarr had barely set himself back onto his feet before he was forced to block the next blow from the verdant blade the woman carried. He tried to resume the offensive, but his foe wasn’t having any of that. Head, throat, ribs, knees, all came under assault. Most of the time Hajvarr was able to block the blows, or let his heavy armor take the strike, but enough of slashes and stabs got through to vulnerable points that the big man was in trouble.
“Wait,” he yelled, holding up his hand. “I yield. I have coin, treasure. I can buy my life. I surrender, Thane.”
“Really?” the Dragonborn said, cocking an ebon eyebrow with suspicion. “I’ve had others try to surrender, and then go for my head when I accepted it.”
“No tricks,” Hajvarr said, lowering his sword and taking off his helmet. “I’ll even tell you a secret. Something no one else in Skyrim knows.”
“Talk,” the woman said, still on her guard but not as ready to chop the big guy into sausage either. “I’m still learning about Skyrim, so you’ve got my attention.”
“It’s that pony, and his elf companion there,” Hajvarr said, pointing at where Faendal and I were still huddled together in a crack in the rockface. “That’s the talking pony everyone is looking for. He’s worth 2,000 septims.”
“Two—,” the Dragonborn said, turning to look at me and the elf. As she did, Hajvarr stepped forward and raised his sword so that he could chop the woman in half from behind. Sadly for him, he must have let her know what he was doing somehow. Maybe she saw his shadow, or heard a pebble crunch, or maybe she just expected an asshole to be an asshole.
Either way, she was ready for him. Even as his sword began to descend once more in it’s deadly, gleaming arc she spun back toward the bandit and with a single, flowing motion drove her blade clean through his stomach and out the other side.
“Every, fucking, time,” the Dragonborn said, as Hajvarr began to collapse over her blade. “FUS RO DAH!”
The power of the full Shout exploded from the throat of the woman and quite literally blew him off the end of her blade. Like a gory comet streaming blood, Hajvarr flew out into the empty space off the side of the mountain, before gravity took hold and began to carry him to the road, far below.
“Thank you,” Faendal said, getting up as the woman began to go over what was left lying around.
“Don’t fucking move,” said the Dragonborn, swinging her sword over to cover me and Faendal. “I don’t know who in Oblivion you are, and frankly I don’t care. As long as you stay out of my way and don’t look like a threat I’m willing to assume you aren’t bandits. Got it?”
“Excuse me,” I said, addressing the Dragonborn and I could see her eyes go wide. “I’m a courier. I’ve got a delivery for you. Is it okay if I come over there and hand it to you?”
“Like you’ve got hands,” she said, and I snorted and smiled. I liked her. She was a tall woman, dark hair in an ebon wave down to her lower back, neither scrawny nor overly built. She wasn’t exactly beautiful, nor was she ugly, but she carried herself with a power and a purpose that I couldn’t help but like.
“Okay, good point,” I said, stopping just out of sword range and tucking my hooves underneath me as I sat back down. “There’s a box in my left saddlebag. That’s for you.”
“Fair enough,” the woman said, stepping behind me. My breath caught for a minute as I felt her grab hold of my mane with one hand, while the other went into my saddlebag. Her hand left the bag a moment later and the hand in my mane shifted from holding me down to giving me a gentle stroke along my neck.
“You’re a brave one, I admire that,” she said, and I found myself being submerged in her golden eyes. “What do they call you, pony?”
“Ja—James,” I stammered out, obeying the driving force of will coming off of the woman. “You are?”
“Call me Aelinna,” she said, and as she opened the box her face went from kind, to confused, to angry in as many breaths. “Who sent this?”
“I don’t know,” I answered, suddenly very aware of how close the woman, and her sword were to me. “Why? What’s wrong?” Aelinna, the Dragonborn, the now very angry Dragonborn who had a sword less than six inches from my tender and much loved hide pulled out an ornate necklace from the box and shook it at me.
“Who, in all the hells, would send me an Amulet of Mara?” she demanded, yelling at me with such volume and fury Faendal started to go for his bow, unstrung as it was. The schling of an unsheathing blade sounded behind me and I saw the front half of Aelinna’s blade over my head. “Unless you want a second mouth you better drop the fucking bow, elf.”
Faendal was smart and did as he was told. He made a show of also dropping his quiver, his belt knife and his own belt pouch on the ground. The display seemed to calm the woman standing over me a bit. I was still getting pretty freaked out though as she used her sword to punctuate her next words.
“Tell me the godsdamned truth, pony,” she demanded. “Who sent this to me?”
“An extradimensional Spirit of Chaos,” I blurted out, and I saw confusion in those golden eyes that were making me think of a hungry wolf. “He didn’t tell me what I was taking with me, just who the deliveries were to.”
“That has got to be the biggest load of horse crap this side of the Bard’s College,” the Dragonborn said, and I breathed a sigh of relief as she put her sword away. “But for some reason I think you’re telling me the truth.”
“Good to see you again,” Faendal said, still not moving. “Just so we know, are we to be your prisoners, your victims or something else?”
“Oh get up,” Aelinna said, rolling her eyes. “I was just so fucking pissed. Every time anyone sees me it’s not as a warrior, or the Dragonborn, but as a mare to be broken and bred. Pisses me the fuck off. And now I’m getting bloody letters with Amulets of Mara in them. Next thing I know the shit eating bards are going to be singing about me everywhere I go. Argh!”
The woman stalked away with an inarticulate cry of frustration and distracted herself with the loot from a chest, loading herself up. I kept my mouth shut as I saw her pick up the bag that held Meridia’s Beacon though. This was not the time or place to mention another obligation she was about to be shackled with. It also became clear why I’d been directed to get the Beacon here. The gods had known Aelinna was going to be coming this way, and they had maneuvered me like a piece on a game board.
“FUCK!” shouted the woman several minutes later in disgust.
“What’s the problem?” Faendal asked. He’d restrung his bow and gathered up his stuff, making sure that Aelinna knew what he was doing as he did it.
“I broke down and bought some property a little while back,” Aelinna said, dumping out her impressively loaded pack to go through all its contents. “It’s fucking harder than a city guard in a whorehouse to find enough coin to buy all the things I need just to get the place up and running. I’m just glad that creep Belethor is willing to pay for anything I bring him.”
“Um,” I began, reminded of the huge bounty on my head.
“I don’t deal in flesh,” Aelinna said, coming over and giving my mane a ruffle. “Particularly not that of someone willing to stand in front of me without a weapon when I’m pissed. If you like, you can stick with me for awhile. You and Faendal both.”
“You sure?” Faendal asked, frowning a bit. “You and I didn’t exactly part on good terms when you left Riverwood.”
“Fuck it,” Aelinna said, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m willing to give you a second chance. Besides, with Lydia staying at the house as my housecarl it will be nice to have some company on the road again.”
“We should probably lay low for awhile too,” I said, nodding. “At least until all the uproar over me dies down a bit. I’m not really sure how to thank you though.”
“Well, with Lydia back at the house I could really use some help carrying all this loot around,” Aelinna said, and her eyes were studying my body to the point I began to blush. “You are a pack pony, right?”
“Well, I can do the dance if you play the tune,” I said, still confused about that look. Could the Dragonborn swing that way?
“Good,” she said, picking up a bundle of leather strips from Hajvarr’s table. “Come here.”
About an hour later, the three of us emerged from the lower entrance to White River Watch, and things had changed a bit. I’d managed to make two deliveries in a single go, but I was going to have to hide for a few days. The biggest change was that I now wore a harness and was hitched to a cart piled high with loot from the cave. Thanks to me, Aelinna’s smithing ability with leather and Faendal’s sharp elven eyes, we had cleaned the place out and were hauling away all the valuable bits. All of them.
As we paused for a bit near the road Aelinna came back up alongside me, and tightened the harness in several places I’d worked it loose and it had begun to slip. The harness started with a broad collar on my neck and shoulders. From there it flowed down my chest and along my spine to meet at a wide band that wrapped my middle tightly. The last bits were the sections that carried on down my spine to my tail, and the side portions that gathered around my hips.
It was an efficient, utilitarian design that had been engineered long ago to get the best performance possible out of the equine wearing it. I was pulling easily four or five times my weight, but what worried me though was that the harness felt good on my body. It somehow filled a void inside me to be a beast of burden, and it didn’t help that as the Dragonborn readjusted the harness yet again a little voice in my head said, Get used to this. You’re going to be in harness for a very long time. My little pony.
It seemed like I had just closed my eyes, when I heard the clink of metal on metal. I snapped my eyes open to discover I was standing in the middle of some sort of magic circle. I assumed it was anyway, from all the weird runes and candles around the edges. I backed up and instantly discovered where the clinking sound had come from.
Someone had locked a short length of chain to my collar. The other end of the chain was attached to a metal stake that had been driven deep into the ground and I had about a foot of play to work with. Straining at my leash, I tried to see anything in the gloom outside of the circle of candlelight and after about a minute, I was rewarded with seeing three figures step forward.
Derpy, Luna and Mara moved out of the gloom around me. They were each wearing dark cloaks with weird symbols on them that glowed golden in the candlelight, spreading themselves around the circle so that they surrounded me evenly, not saying a word.
“Um, ladies?” I asked, nervously. Something was rotten in the state of Denmark and it wasn’t fish. “Can I get an explanation here?”
The three said nothing, at least not to me. Instead they started circling me in a counter-clockwise direction, and began a chant that was a cross between scary sorcery and lewd as hell.
Bind him in both steel and leather, Make him ours, now and forever.
Get the ropes and use the hobbles, Let’s fuck him ‘til his knees wobble.
Use the bit and the bridle, Never let his shaft be idle.
Close the fetters, shut the lock, Make him use that juicy cock.
Make him cum in all our holes, Fill our bellies with lots of foals.
Get the harness, pull tight the strap, At our pussies he will lap.
Touch him, stroke him, make him holler, Break him gently to his collar.
He will service us for hours, Remind him that he is OURS.
It was kinky, it was lewd, and either worst or best of all, it was effective. Like some weird orgy summoning magic, every time the trio named a particular object of gear, it appeared and fastened itself to me. Every second line felt like someone was running a hyper powered vibrator down the length of my horsecock.
So, in very short order I was collared, harnessed, hobbled, bitted and bridled in steel and leather. Every buckle and fastener was closed with a lock marked either with bubbles, a crescent moon, or Mara’s sigil. My shaft was dripping I was so eager for sex, and I swear it felt like something was trying to milk me, trying to pull an orgasm out of me.
I held out as best I could, but my bonds ensured I wasn’t going anywhere. The final blow was when my three… owners, stopped their chant to run their hands, hooves and wings all over my body. Lust overwhelmed my… well, everything, and I exploded. I came so hard I saw nothing but stars for several minutes, and when my vision cleared all the bindings were off of me and Mara was sitting in front of me with a glowing jar. Derpy and Luna were nowhere to be seen.
“Mara,” I said, gasping a bit as I caught my breath. “You are a goddess and I’m a mortal, so please bear that in mind when I say, ‘What the fuck?’”
“Liked that did you?” Mara asked with an impish grin. “I’d wondered if you might have some submissive in you.”
“Look,” I said, trying to dial down the snark as I spoke to a being that could squash me like an ant. “I’m young, I’m male, I have hormones, and they work. So long as there’s consent all around, there isn’t a whole lot I won’t do to have sex. So, to repeat my question again, a little more politely. What the hell was that all about?”
“My backup plan,” Mara said, holding up the glowing jar. “James, within the next week you shall either have finished your task and be gone from Skyrim, or you will lie dead upon its soil. I have been taking steps to make sure that at least part of you survives, no matter what.”
“Oh,” I said, getting a small chill at that, though there was something about this whole situation I was missing. “Well, um, thanks for that. But did you have to go about it that way? I mean, just a regular sexy dream would have probably done the job.”
“Maybe it was more fun this way,” Mara said, running her finger over my muzzle. I could feel my hormones surging all over again, but I held them off long enough for my brain to make some connections.
After I’d initially applied to work for Discord and realized what I was getting into, I’d spent a bunch of time watching horse videos on the internet. Especially stuff to do with training horses how to move and walk with gear. A video of this one guy taking an untouched horse and getting them to allow a rider on their back inside of fifteen minutes flashed into my head.
“You BITCH!” I exclaimed, as the lightbulb went off in my head. “This whole time… all those little side comments. You haven’t been teasing me, or playing around at all. You’ve been gentling me! Getting me used to the idea of being owned by you!”
“In part, yes,” Mara admitted, changing her clothes into an equestrian outfit of knee length black boots, tight beige pants and a red blouse that did nothing to hide her cleavage. “To save you, I want to make you my herald. As my property, you would be untouchable.”
“Sorry lady, but my name isn’t Norrin Radd,” I said, firmly. “Besides, I’m already spoken for. Twice as a matter of fact.”
“Derpy and Luna are excellent, wonderful females. But they cannot help you now,” Mara said, and from somewhere she pulled out a curved piece of steel. “Pledge yourself to my service by accepting my collar, and you will avoid the fate destiny has in store for you.”
I just stared for a long moment at the open collar, trying to figure out what Mara was up to with it. The collar was glowing a robin’s egg blue, and she was holding it open at just the right height for me to take a couple of steps forward and place my neck into its adamant embrace. A pendant from one of Mara’s amulets dangled from the collar, swinging back and forth. I started to lose myself in that glowing blue motion. That soothing, undulating movement that offered safety, security and surety of purpose. I took a step forward.
“NO!” I shouted, ripping my eyes and my body away from that seductive motion. I had been annoyed before. Now, I was furious. I didn’t care if she was a goddess and I was less than a worm. This was my head and my life.
“Fuck you, Mara,” I said, raging. “Even after I said ‘no.’ Even after I tell you I’m onto your little game. After all that, you STILL try to pull a fucking jedi mind trick on me?”
“Is it so wrong of me to care for the life of a pony I’ve come to like?” Mara asked, leaning forward deliberately to let me see down her shirt. My anger overrode my libido with ease.
“Don’t give me that shit,” I volleyed back, having picked up some saltiness from my time with Aelinna. “You don’t care about me. You’ve got something else up your sleeve. I know it.”
“Maybe I just like seeing you in tack?” Mara leered, leaning forward a little more, her torso almost horizontal now.
“Like tack do you?” I yelled. “Then try this.” And I flung my hoof in Mara’s direction, my anger blazing outward like a comet toward the goddess.
In that moment, three things worked in my favor. First, and foremost, we were in a dream in my own head. Luna had taught me that if I was strong enough I could use my will to shape my own dreams. Second, Mara wasn’t expecting me to lash out at her. Not with anything other than words, at least. And third, I was pissed, and anger has a way of letting make the impossible, possible.
My comet struck Mara head on, wrapped around her, and covered her in a brilliant light. When my eyes cleared a moment later, they were greeted with a sight few have seen.
Mara, Goddess of Fertility, had been knocked back onto her haunches and was now sitting there stark naked. No, not naked, not entirely. I had been thinking about tack, and when my will lashed out that’s what it had done. Mara was now bound in leather pony tack.
A harness of straps criss-crossed her naked torso, framing her full breasts. One strap was pulled tight around her waist, cinching it in. Another strap dipped down from there, diving between her legs so that it clove deep past the lips there. Struggling with the new and sudden sensations, Mara half rose and twisted to one side. Whatever I had unleashed on the goddess had also bound her arms behind her in some sort of leather pouch, and had created a tail for her that went under the strap between her legs and… oh my.
“So full,” Mara purred, looking back at me wickedly and not even remotely upset. “I never realized you were into dominance. Well, if that’s what it takes—”
“Oh, shut up,” I said, and a bridle complete with bit appeared around Mara’s head, garbling her words. Even through the bit I could hear Mara laugh as she stood up and began to prance around me singing the “Barbie Girl” song, only with the words changed to, “I’m a ponygirl, in a pony world.”
Clearly stronger measures were called for if I wanted to get Mara to leave me in peace, and seeing as we were already in the bondage theme, I figured I may as well go all the way. I created a set of curved metal pieces that Mara took one look and went white.
“That’s right, Lady Mara,” I said, still bubbling with anger. “A chastity belt. I can’t think of a worse thing to lock a fertility goddess into. Now, I’m going to unbind you, after which you are going to leave. If you don’t, this goes on and stays on for as long as I can manage it.” Mara nodded her head in understanding, and with an effort of will I dismissed her bindings.
“Well done, young pony,” Mara said, inclining her head. “I will leave you in peace, until you are either resting in peace, or call upon me.”
“If you can talk to me when I’m dead, I’ll rethink my position,” I said, anger beginning to dissipate. “Now go away, and don’t come back.”
“As you wish,” Mara said, as she began to fade away. “But remember this, mortal pony child. Once your fated end begins, I cannot help you. But even then all will not be lost, for death is a spectrum, not a line.”
With that, I was alone in the dreamscape and left to ponder Mara’s departing words. Their meaning was obvious, but the maddening thing was that I knew I’d heard them someplace before. A sudden jolting gripped the dreamscape, and I knew it meant that someone was shaking me awake.
“Are you alright?” Faendal asked, looking down at me with concerned eyes, his hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah,” I said, groggily. “Why? What’s up?”
“What’s up is the damned pony sex show you’ve been giving us for the past half hour,” Aelinna said, working on some breakfast and I could see it was just after dawn. “What the fuck was that all about?”
“Uh, sex show?” I asked, brain still spinning up to speed. “Wait, you guys saw Mara?”
“No,” said Faendal, stepping back and looking embarrassed for some reason. “We saw… um. That is we saw…” Aelinna snorted in derision.
“Bloody bashful Bosmer,” the Dragonborn snorted. “We watched you humping the air for about thirty minutes. Pony, I like you, but tonight you’re getting leashed to a tree. There’s no way I’m taking the chance of you coming over in the middle of the night and sleep fucking me.”
“Oh god,” I said, hiding my face in my hooves, absolutely mortified.
“I’ll admit, it was a hell of a fucking show,” Aelinna said, relishing the discomfort of the males in her party. “And you’ve got quite a bit to be proud of down there. What really impressed me though, was how you made all that cum of yours disappear afterwards. Must be a pony thing.”
“I came?” I asked, wishing the rocks would swallow me up. “In front of you?”
“I could have drowned in the puddle you made,” the dark haired Nord said, stirring a pot of porridge. “Like I said, impressive. Especially when it all glowed purple and then just disappeared. Must make cleanup easy for your mares.”
“Wait, purple glow?” I asked, looking up. “There was a purple glow?”
Aelinna nodded and I proceeded to tell them about my meeting with Mara in the dreamscape while we ate breakfast. It became clear that the purple jar that had been sitting beside the goddess in the aftermath was my harvested seed. Mara had milked me like a prize stallion in order to collect my orgasm. She’d been working on multiple agendas the whole time.
“Holy shit,” I said, making Faendal stop while he was harnessing me to the cart. We had swung by Falkreath the day before and Aelinna had gone into town and had a harness custom made for me. It fit so much better than the one the Dragonborn had cobbled together I barely noticed it when it was strapped on.
“What’s wrong?” Faendal asked. “Did I pinch you somewhere?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I just realized that Mara was quoting Mab.”
“Who’s Mab?” Faendal asked.
“Mab, the Queen of Air and Darkness,” I said, quoting. “Ruler of every wicked fairy and dark spirit in existence. Who always has multiple plots running at the same time, so that if one fails, another has a chance. And Mara was quoting her.”
“Hey, we ready to go yet?” Aelinna asked, as she finished checking her weapons. “I want to check out some caverns off in the hills not too far from here.”
“I’ve almost got James in harness,” Faendal said, cinching tight the last straps. “Done.”
“Good,” Aelinna said, drawing herself up to stand beside me and the tall elf. “Despite the danger of my dying from Bosmer bashfulness or being sleep fucked by a pony, I’ve gotten to like you two. So, let’s stay off the main roads and see if we can’t manage to screw over Fate. Okay?”
The three of us spent a good chunk of the day heading into the hills that formed Skyrim’s southern border, the ones to the south of the big lake. There we found a tomb cut into the base of a stony hill, that was also well hidden by lots of trees. It was the perfect place for both Aelinna to find some good loot and for me, and Faendal to remain out of sight of curious passers-by.
We’d had to travel along the main roads for awhile, of course. During which time my disguise had been enhanced with a halter and a lead rope. I’d complained about them, but both Faendal and Aelinna pointed out that all cart horses wore them, no matter how well-behaved they were.
“And maybe it will remind you to keep your mouth shut around people,” Aelinna said, lifting my jaw to make me look her in the eye. “That sputum stained, shit-brained, tin can bandit chief might have ended as a dishonorable stain on the ground, but he was right about one thing. If you keep talking, no one’s going to believe you’re a simple pack pony.”
“Yes ma’am,” I said, meekly. One does not argue with the Dragonborn.
“Good,” she said, tapping my nose with a finger. “Because the next time you talk around strangers I’m putting a bit on you. Do it again, and it’s the muzzle.”
“Eep!” I said, with a mock shudder. Aelinna chuckled, and with that we set off.
Aelinna had gone into the tomb to explore and loot, and had already come out twice loaded down with weapons, bits of armor and a few pieces of jewelry. Before she’d gone in for her third trip she told us not to expect her back for a few hours. So with nothing better to do, Faendal and I fell to talking.
“Once you finish your deliveries here in Skyrim, do you think you’ll ever come back?” Faendal asked. “Just to visit?”
“I doubt it,” I said, having stripped off most of my disguise so I could cool down. “Don’t get me wrong. Skyrim is beautiful, but it was a pain in the ass to get here, and I’ve gotten involved in some things I’d really rather not.”
“Like Mara,” Faendal said. “And how the Nine seem to be taking a special interest in you.”
“I’m an interloper in their realm,” I said, shuffling a bit in the little hollow in the ground I’d made. “They want me gone as soon as possible, and I’m not sure, but I’m either overdue or nearly overdue to be on my way home by now. I’ve lost track of the days.”
“Skyrim can truly be a timeless place,” Faendal said, in agreement. He frowned and studied some trees off to one side for a moment.
“What?” I asked, noticing his intent gaze and looking over in that direction.
“Thought I spotted something,” the tall Bosmer said, shaking his head. “It’s nothing. By the way, when we were by Falkreath I did a little asking around about the bounty on you.”
“Oh?” I asked, feeling my ears perk up as an odd breeze ruffled them. “Find anything out?”
“Not until I mentioned I was working with the Dragonborn, who it turns out is also the Thane of Falkreath,” Faendal said, shifting his quiver so it sat more comfortably on his back. “Anyway, once people knew who I was with, they told me that the original bounty came on a scroll marked with the seal of the College of Winterhold.”
“The wizards?” I asked, puzzled. “What the hell would wizards want with me?”
“Well, not necessarily—,” Faendal began. Then his face became alarmed and he shouted, “James, MOVE!”
I was just getting up when pain bloomed in my rump and every muscle locked up, freezing me in place. Someone had just shot me with a paralysis poison and I was locked in place for at least the next few seconds. Faendal rolled to one side, and as an arrow passed through where his head had been a split second earlier, he came up with his bow out.
“You!” he yelled, at someone I couldn’t see. I tried to turn my head to see who our attacker was, but the poison still held me in its alchemical grip.
Faendal notched, drew and fired so fast his hand was a blur, and his arrow streaked outwards just as I started to move again. Two arrows impacted their targets almost at the exact same time. Faendal’s arrow hit our attacker, eliciting a grunt of pain. While their arrow hit me square in the back of the head, neatly stunning me and destroying both my sense of balance and ability to walk.
My legs now strands of rubber for all the good they did me, I flopped heavily to my side. Lying there, I managed to briefly focus my spinning vision on our attacker and I realized we were in deep trouble.
Aela the Huntress, an arrow now protruding from her leather armor, moved sideways as she drew another arrow. I assumed she was the one who had shot me, first with the paralysis poison, and then with whatever it was that had my head spinning. I tried to get up again, weaving my way to my knees before collapsing back down to the ground.
“Stay down, James,” Faendal ordered, training his bow on Aela for another shot, but holding his fire.
“Yes, stay down, pony,” Aela said, mirroring Faendal. “Don’t make me shoot you again. I’m not used to capturing prey live, so I may hit something vital with my next shot.”
“What did you hit him with?” Faendal demanded, eyes shifting to see if Aela was alone. “And how did you find us?”
“Something to put him down, and then a blunt to stun him,” Aela said, a thin smile on her lips. “You did a good job changing what he looked like, but you forgot his shoes and hooves. I just followed the hoofprints.” Faendal cursed.
“So, how do you want to do this?” he asked, focusing on our enemy.
“You, me and our bows,” Aela said, while I tried to not barf from dizziness. “No potions, no magic, just skill.”
“And if someone tries to interfere?” Faendal asked, not having spotted anyone with the Companion, but not willing to take a chance
“They stay out of it,” Aela said, and I had to close my eyes to stop the ground from spinning. “I’m alone and I know that tomb. Your other friend is going to be quite awhile. Whenever you’re ready, elf.”
“Fine,” Faendal said, letting out a breath. “Let’s go.”
I forced myself to open my eyes and lay as still as I could so that I could watch the classic archery duel. Arrows hissed and flew back and forth, each archer scoring hits while trying to dodge return fire from their counterpart. As my head and vision began to settle, I tried to belly crawl away. Only for another blunt from Aela to streak past my head and hit me in my left shoulder, numbing the joint and ending my ability to do anything more than be a sitting duck.
The battle raged on, and I could tell that Aela was starting to outshoot Faendal. The tall elf was bleeding from half a dozen hits and I could see his bow arm start to shake. In the game, Faendal was less experienced than Aela, being a woodworker as well as an archer. While Aela, was a warrior and worked at it all the time.
Then I saw Aela start walking sideways in a classic strafing motion. Faendal stood in place, rotating to track her in a turret-like fashion and I realized what was about to happen. By walking sideways, Aela would simply walk her aimpoint into her stationary target, while Faendal had to keep readjusting to track his moving one. Both archers let fly once more.
Faendal missed, while Aela did not. Her arrow struck the elf in the shoulder, passing through the muscle there and pinning him to a tree via the yard long shaft. Yelling, I bounded up to my hooves, and began to three-legged hobble my way over to my hurt friend. I shouldn’t have.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Aela said, tackling me to the ground. I tried to fight back, but in my condition I couldn’t put up anything like a proper resistance, and it only took her seconds to have me hogtied and lying back on the ground.
“Get away from him, you bitch,” Faendal said, in a pained gasp.
“Can’t do that,” the warrior said, getting up and drawing a wickedly sharp blade. “You fought well, elf. So, I’ll give you a quick, clean death instead of a slow suffering one from bleeding out.”
“Please,” I begged, helpless on the ground. “You’ve won, you don’t have to kill him.”
“I leave him like that and his wounds will slowly kill him,” Aela said, still advancing on Faendal. “This is an honorable death, for an honorable warrior. Sovngarde will welcome him.”
“There’s healing potions in the pack by the fire,” I said, and Aela was within reach of Faendal now. “Leave one out for him. He’ll make it. I know he will.” Aela looked back at me.
“Why would I leave behind a witness to the battle?” she asked, sun gleaming from the deadly edge of the blade she held. “One that could point your other companion in my direction.”
“If you give him a chance at survival and he succeeds, he’ll head straight back to Riverwood,” I said, lifting my head off the ground. “The Dragonborn will never know what happened unless she figures it out on her own.”
“The Dragonborn?” Aela said, sucking in her breath. “Your companion is the Dragonborn?”
“You might have been able to take me,” Faendal said, voice tight with pain. “But you’re no match for her.” I decided to use the opening my friend had given me.
“You do the honorable thing, by letting Faendal have a chance, and I give you my word not to fight you,” I said. My heart sunk as I said the words, knowing I was condemning myself to an unknown fate for my friend. But I was Equestrian as much as human now, and both parts of me were in accord on this.
“You’re hardly in any position to fight me,” Aela said, with a snort. “But I admire your spirit.”
“I can bite, I can buck,” I said, my voice resolute. “I can struggle, leave a trail. I can slow you down in a hundred different ways. Especially because I know you want me alive, and there’s one other thing.”
“What?” Aela asked, and I could tell she was willing to accept my offer even before I gave the clincher.
“Despite what some may think, you aren’t some raving, snarling beast,” I said, knowing about the curse of Hircine and the Circle. “You are an honorable warrior. All I’m doing, is asking you to do the honorable thing.” Aela didn’t react, but I knew my words had struck home.
“Elf,” Aela said, turning to Faendal. “If I leave a healing potion out for you, will you do what the pony says?” Faendal nodded, knowing it was his best chance to survive.
“Give me your word, pony,” Aela said, sheathing her blade. “You will be my prisoner, and obey me as best you can.”
“You have it,” I said. “I will be your captive, and make no attempts to escape or draw pursuit down on you.”
“Okay then,” Aela said, digging in the packs by the fire until she came up with not one, but two potion bottles and set them on the ground a few feet away from Faendal. “A word of advice, elf. Break off the shaft as close to the wound as you can manage, then slide yourself off. It will hurt, but it’s the best way.”
Not trusting his voice, Faendal nodded and watched as Aela lifted me up, bound legs and all. She settled me over her shoulders, with the ties around my hooves in front, just like I was a piece of game she’d shot down in the woods. Faendal and I shared a last look of farewell before I was carried off to meet the fate Skyrim had in store for me.
Aela set a punishing pace, moving along at a swift lope through Skyrim’s forests. She ran like a deer among the trees, ignoring both roads and trails. Her speed completely unaffected by either the terrain or the burden she carried over her shoulders. Under usual circumstances I’d be impressed by her skill and speed.
These weren’t normal conditions, considering I was the bound and trussed burden on her shoulders. I’d squirmed a couple of times as I tried to get used to the jouncing ride, only to be threatened with being knocked over the head. Considering how my head was still reeling from the blunt Aela had shot me with, I decided to lay as still as I could.
It wasn’t until the sun began to set that Aela started to slow down and hunt for a place to stop for the night. She dumped me without ceremony onto the ground and a dagger was shoved into the dirt next to my throat. Edge just touching my skin. I began to try to move away when I felt a second dagger slide against the back of my neck.
“Don’t move and you won’t get cut,” Aela said, in brief warning.
I’m not a complete idiot and so held myself very still while the huntress set up a small camp. She was mercifully quick, but my instinctive need to move away from danger had me jerking my neck back and forth in about a half inch worth of space. The cuts my movement caused had my blood wetting the ground by the time she came back.
“Idiot,” Aela muttered, jerking her knife out of the rocky soil with a curse. A quick slash of the blade later and the bonds on my hooves parted. I began to get up only to be slammed back to the ground as Aela sat herself on top of me. I heard a clinking sound and felt her wrapping leather hobbles around my fetlocks. Another moment later and the huntress had expertly flipped our positions so that she was now under me, with my back against her chest.
A quick squeeze at the points of my jaw had my mouth opening and I felt a liquid being poured in before my mouth was clamped closed again. One hand kept its grip there while the other worked at my heavily nicked throat, trying to get me to swallow the overly sweet liquid in my mouth. It was all I could do to stop myself from gulping down what was likely a poison of some sort.
“Swallow, pony,” Aela said, holding on as I began to thrash reflexively from lack of air. “Stop being stubborn. I’ve handled more than one problem horse, and you’re barely foal sized.”
Lungs burning, I gave in and swallowed. The honeyed warmth of the potion hit my stomach and its fire radiated out to my limbs. It felt like the time I’d tried some of Dad’s moonshine, only without the burning or the vomiting afterwards. Almost immediately the stinging feeling on my neck went away, and I felt very hungry.
“Eat,” Aela said, taking her hand off my muzzle and holding an apple in front of me. I lunged my head forward and nearly took her fingers off in my sudden need for sustenance. Two more apples later and the gnawing in my belly began to ease off.
Able to think rationally again, I took stock of my situation. I was lying at the feet of one of the more formidable hunters in Skyrim. My hooves had been hobbled in a strange diagonal fashion which would allow me to walk, but only just. Aela had also taken advantage of my mindless eating to loop a rope around my neck several times and tying it off to a high up tree branch as a sort of crude collar and leash. In a nutshell, I was screwed and making a break for it wasn't an option.
“I gave my word not to try to escape,” I said, jerking my hooves with deliberate emphasis.
“Not everyone is a Companion,” Aela said, gnawing on some trail bread. “This way, your word is kept whether you want to or not.”
“Speaking of Companions,” I said, getting to my hooves and very slowly moving over to the base of the tree my leash was tied to. “I saw your reaction when you found out who me and Faendal were working for. She’s one of you, isn’t she?”
“Yes, Aelinna’s a Companion,” Aela confirmed, “and I will cross that bridge when I next meet my shield sister. No more talking, unless you want to be muzzled.”
Muzzles were permanently on my top ten list of things I did not want. So, I shook my head, finished making my way to the tree and plopped myself down in a hollow at its base. Aela nodded in approval and put a rough blanket over me. I fell asleep thinking of how that strange hunger I’d had must have been connected to the healing potion somehow. Maybe that’s why you can eat all those damn wheels of cheese in the game.
The next day was almost a carbon copy of the previous.
Aela bound my hooves together, threw me onto her shoulders and began moving at that odd lope that was a cross between walking and jogging that ate up miles very quickly. With my head no longer reeling, and boredom setting in, I tried to strike up a conversation again. Only to have my efforts halted by a leather strap that Aela wrapped around my muzzle to keep me quiet.
The miles flowed by, and we only stopped twice during the entire day. Once at midday for a drink and to allow me to empty my bladder, with a second stop at the end of the day. Once again, Aela made camp in the middle of nowhere. Once again, I was leashed to a tree, and once again I was fed as the sun began to go down over a much colder part of the landscape than yesterday.
I tried reaching out to either Luna or Derpy through my dreams, but nothing seemed to respond. Everything was filled with an odd sort of blankness and without any sort of stimuli, my lucid dreaming soon fell into full dreaming and a deep slumber. A slumber that was broken by Aela rousing me as dawn broke over the mountains.
“We will meet the man who is paying for you in a couple of hours,” Aela said, and I hear regret in her voice. “For whatever it is worth, I’m sorry, but the price on your head was just too high to resist.”
“It is a lot of gold,” I replied. “I just didn’t think the Companions were involved in the slave trade.”
“We aren’t,” Aela shot back with a grimace of distaste. “There are things more valuable than gold. Worth enough for me to do... well, this.”
“Justify it however you like,” I replied, angrily as Aela stepped towards me, strap in hand. “You’re still selling someone who has done nothing wrong.”
“I know,” Aela said, wrapping the strap around my muzzle again. “I know.”
We set off again, through the increasingly snowy forests and Aela barely slowed down at all. Even a pair of wolves jumping out from behind a group of trees scarcely made her pause as she killed them with a couple of almost lazy swipes of her sword. The predicted two hours of travel found us at the base of a snowy cliff face into which there was set a broad cave opening. There was a small brass bell which Aela rang after setting me down on a cold stone slab.
A minute or two later a middle-aged man with greying hair came out of the cave flanked by a couple of undead. At least I hoped they were, because no one should look like they did and still be alive. Overall, the man looked like the classic Skyrim wizard. Robe, sparky bits and so forth. The only really odd things were that his belt had multiple potion bottles hanging from it and that he even wore a bandolier with several vials strung along its length.
“Well, is this it?” he asked, gesturing to me.
“It’s him,” Aela confirmed. “Now hand over what you promised me.”
“There is a test I need to perform first,” the wizard said, walking over to me and undoing the strap around my muzzle.
“You better fucking let me go right damn now, you piece of shit!” I yelled, the split second I could open my mouth. “Otherwise you’re going to have a horseshoe shoved so far up your ass you’ll be tasting horsehide for the next decade. You festering piece of rotting cow cock.” What can I say? You pick things up when you’re around the Dragonborn.
“So, not some mere brute, but a thinking animal,” said the man, with a chuckle. “Yes, yes. He’s everything I’d hoped for.”
“Give me what you promised in exchange,” Aela growled, hand on her sword. “Or I’m talking him back.”
“No need to be so hasty, Companion,” the wizard said, motioning one of his minions forward. “Or should I say, Daughter of Hircine?” Aela sucked in a breath and drew her sword.
“I should gut you where you stand for that!” she declared.
“Ah yes,” the wizard said, utterly calm as his minion reached him carrying a small chest. “You could kill me, or you could have this.”
“Is that...” Aela said, lowering her sword.
“Yesss,” replied the wizard, drawing out the word and patting the chest for a moment. “The locations of every known encampment of the group called ‘Silver Hand,’ plus a complete list of their known members. As well as everything the College of Winterhold has on the locations of the fragments of Wuuthrad. Does this payment satisfy your precious ‘honor’?”
Aela’s eyes glowed as she took the box from the risen dead. “No, it does not,” she said, looking me in the eye, “but it does make what I have done justifiable. The pony is yours. I never want to hear of you again.”
“You bitch!” I screamed at Aela. “You fucking bitch! You’re going to regret this!”
“I already do,” Aela said, walking away, and I had the feeling she never expected to see me again.
“That will be enough out of you,” the wizard said, pulling out something that looked like a bridle out of his robes. “Hold him.”
One of the undead grabbed me in their cold, bony grip and I tried to thrash and fight back, but I was both bound and pinned in place. As a final act of defiance I closed my mouth in an attempt to keep the bridle’s weirdly shaped bit out of my mouth. The wizard got around that by punching me in the gut and shoving the bit into place as I gasped for breath.
“Hgck… glth,” I sputtered, as the wizard finished buckling the bridle into place. The bit both held my tongue down and my mouth open, making sure I couldn’t make anything that sounded like words. Straps around my muzzle forced my jaws down against the bit, keeping me from getting some slack to get rid of the damned thing.
“My work will cause you enough discomfort as it is,” the wizard said, motioning to what looked like a draugr to pick me up. “Cooperate and I will ease as much of it as possible.”
My response was to move all my hooves together in a single motion to boot the undead carrying me, right in the face. I had the satisfaction of seeing the draugr’s jawbone go spiraling off into the distance. The wizard’s response was more effective than mine. The son of a bitch hit me with a paralysis spell that froze me solid.
My resistance dealt with, the wizard had me carried into the cave and strapped me to a padded metal frame. I say “strapped” but it was more a case of “immobilized.” There were straps cinched down tight above and below every joint in my body. There was even a clamp holding my tail in place. I could barely even fidget, never mind move.
“Now that the subject has been rendered unable to block our purposes,” the wizard said, to an undead that was taking notes, of all things, “we shall conduct a thorough baseline examination.”
Then every part of me was examined, measured, described and categorized. Samples were taken of my saliva, urine, sweat, and even cum. I cursed and swore during my violation, bucking against the steel and leather that held me captive, but my best efforts merely made the straps creak a bit. I should have saved my strength for the real horror to come.
“An excellent amount,” the wizard said, holding a beaker filled with my sexual fluid up to a light. “You should be proud of being able to produce such a prodigious quantity. With luck, I’ll be able to inseminate three or four mares to produce more of your kind.”
I sort of lost it that point. Growling, screaming, and throwing my body around so that even strapped down as I was, I managed to shift the metal frame holding me a few inches to one side. This fucker was about to create a race of half-breed ponies from me. I didn’t know why he wanted to, but it was certain he was going to view them as his property. I should have stayed quiet.
“Easy there, pony,” the wizard said, laying his hand on the back of my neck in an attempt to calm me. “What’s this?” My blood froze as I realized that by complete chance the wizard had put his hand directly onto my collar. The collar that held my humanity safe for me.
“You’re wearing a collar,” he said, his voice intent. “How could I have missed seeing this before? Wait, there is some sort of enchantment on it, isn’t there? Yes, now that I concentrate I can see the collar clearly, but only if I focus on it. This must be how you hid from the huntress for so long. Clever.”
“Hurk grcka,” I protested eloquently.
“Yes, and the clasp is enchanted as well,” the wizard said, drawing out a knife. “No matter.”
“Oooo,” I howled in protest, feeling the blade slide between my neck and the collar. A quick flick of his wrist, and the collar parted a second later. Followed by a burst of energies as Discord’s magic was let loose from the sundered leather. The wave of plaid power picked the wizard up and threw him against the nearby wall of the cave with a resounding thud.
Even if I hadn’t been immobilized, the shock of what had just happened would have frozen me. My humanity, the stuff that made me James Allens, human of Earth, was gone. Just like that. Gone. Destroyed by an asshole who saw me as nothing but some kind of science experiment. What was I now?
My anger and sadness was broken into by the sound of the wizard climbing out of a pile of broken furniture and pottery shards. I felt grim satisfaction as I noticed that he was definitely worse for wear. He had several cuts across his face and he moved with the stiffness of someone who had pulled a back muscle or two.
“The course of progress is difficult at times,” he opined, before gesturing to a pair of his undead minions. “You there, feed the pony using the method I’ve shown you, then make sure he is secured in his cage for the night. I need to use a few healing potions.”
The reason behind the strange bit in my mouth became clear as one of the draugr slowly fed a rubber like hose down my throat through a gap in the bit, and poured a watery mass of ground oats down into my gullet. I would be fed and watered whether I wanted to eat or not, it seemed. After that I was finally released from the holding frame and dragged into a small steel cage.
Despite everything that had happened to me, I found myself getting sleepy very quickly. The sudden tiredness overriding my desire to check my prison for any flaws I might exploit. As my nose touched the ground, two thoughts echoed in my head. First, my food had been drugged to make me easy to manage. Second, no one had all this kind of stuff ready to go, and was this good with it, if they haven’t already done it a few times to someone.
Day two found me again strapped to the frame, and this time the wizard had pulled up what I recognized as an alchemy table. He started light. A shaving of hairs here, a sliver of a hoof there, some scraping from various parts. Each bit was meticulously prepared and then tested for its alchemical properties.
After lunch came… pain. He cut into the delicate frog of one of my hooves, and proceeded to cut off the entire sole of one hoof. It hurt even more than it did when he cut my tail off by the dock in a single, clean motion. I gritted my teeth as best I could and kept myself to small whimpers. It wasn’t until he gelded me that I finally broke into screams of agony.
Through it all the wizard never flinched or showed an ounce of compassion towards me. I was a whimpering, blubbering, bloody mess by the time he had finished preparing and sampling all the bits. Then he poured a pair of healing potions down the tube into my stomach and barely a minute later I was restored. Everything back where it was, and the pain merely a fading memory.
The physical pain was gone, but mentally I was a broken wreck. It wasn’t the pain that had broken my will. It wasn’t the mutilations or the cavalier method in which he had cut parts of my body off. It was the realization that with healing potions at his disposal he could do this over, and over, and over again. I distantly felt the bridle and bit being removed for the first time in two days.
“Eat,” the wizard said. “Magic needs material to work with. Eat.”
“Just kill me already,” I begged him. I could only imagine what tomorrow was going to bring, and my imagination terrified me. “Please, I’ll do anything you ask. Just don’t hurt me anymore.”
“Then eat,” the wizard said. “If it’s any consolation, I can only test parts of you once. After that, they are contaminated with residue from the healing potion.”
“Just don’t hurt me anymore, please,” I begged again. I’d do just about anything to escape that level of pain.
“I regret that you must be the one to pay the price of progress,” the wizard said, before grabbing the back of my head and aiming at the bowl in front of me that was filled with vegetables of various sorts. “I will do my best to be as efficient as possible in the future. Now eat, or I will have your food poured down your throat again.”
I ate mechanically with a mind numbed from the horror of knowing what was coming. The wizard didn’t say it, but I knew that tomorrow he was going into me for parts to test, and I likely wasn’t going to survive it. This was it. I was going to die a horrible death by vivisection, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. I finished the food in front of me and was promptly re-bridled and locked back into my tiny cage. As the lights were put out, a blanket was thrown over the cage, further enshrouding me in darkness.
Luna, I called out in my mind, praying for a response. Luna, Derpy, please. I need help! Silence reigned.
Mara? I asked, into the silence. You said you would help in my hour of greatest need. I need you!
I am here, young pony, said the welcome voice of the goddess. But I did try to warn you that once this had begun I could not stop it. I cannot prevent what is to happen to you, but I will be with you through it all.
If you can’t save me, then I want a promise from you, I said, fear icing my gut but something like my old determination coming back to me. Tell Derpy and Luna what happened to me. Tell them I’m gone, an.. And that I love them both. Okay?
On my honor, it will be done, Mara said, and I could “feel” her hand on my metaphorical neck. Your mares shall know of your fate and that your thoughts were of your love for them. Now, let me give you the one gift I can give you. A night without nightmares, free of fear and terror. Sleep James. Sleep, my little pony.
A pulse of warmth spread over me from Mara’s hand and in moments I was asleep. Assured that those I cared for would at least know what had happened to me.
Aela jogged through the trees like a deer with a wolf on her trail. For in truth, there was one. A wolf of her own making. A warrior like none other, and a Shield Sister of the Companions to boot. Aelinna the Dragonborn was hot on her trail and determined to catch up with her.
Crouching low as she crested a ridge, the huntress risked a glance behind. There, crossing a clearing about a mile back, was her friend. Aelinna’s strong body was outlined by the steel and leather armor she favoured, and the bow she liked was strapped to her back. The dark haired Nord must have sensed Aela’s eyes on her, for she stopped suddenly and looked directly at her quarry.
Aela didn’t need to see the determination on her friend’s face to know that the Dragonborn wasn’t going to stop until they confronted each other. Aelinna had already confronted daedra, dragons and worse. A little thing like a betrayal would barely slow her down, so Aela did the smartest thing she could think of. She ran.
She ran down the hill and toward a ravine that she knew of nearby. There was an old rope bridge across it. All Aela had to do was get across and cut the bridge before Aelinna caught up to her. Once that was done, not even the Dragonborn would be able to catch her before she got back to Jorrvaskr, where any sort of confrontation would be in Aela’s favor.
The bridge swayed alarmingly as Aela ran across, but years of learning how to keep her footing in all sorts of weather kept her moving and she was across in moments. Aela turned, drew her sword and cut the bridge ropes with a half dozen quick slashes. Just in time, as a few breaths later her shield sister emerged from the wood on the opposite side.
“We need to talk, Aela,” Aelinna said, from the far side.
“Yes, but not here, not now,” Aela called back, well aware that she was inside of easy bow range. “Meet me back at Jorrvaskr and I’ll try to explain things to you. There are some things you aren’t ready to know quite yet.”
“I am sick and tired of people telling me what to do and when to do it. I think it’s godsdamn time I got my answers when I want them, not when people think I’m ready for them,” Aelinna said, just before Shouting, “WULD NAH”
The form of the Dragonborn blurred as she rode the power of the Thu’um over and across the gap separating the two women. As the Shout dissipated it deposited Aelinna safely on Aela’s side of the gap.
“Well, that’s something new,” Aela said, drawing her sword in automatic response. Few people knew that the Dragonborn needed a break between using Shouts. The longer the shout, the longer the break. If she attacked now it would be down to steel and skill, and while Aelinna was good and getting better by the day, Aela still had a small advantage over her. Aela tensed for a moment, and then dropped her sword to the rocky ground beneath her. The clatter of steel on stone caused Aelinna to stiffen, and it made her pause in sudden surprise.
“You’ve probably gone and nicked the blade,” Aelinna said, walking forward, hand resting on the hilt of her own sword. “Eorland is going to have a fit when he sees what you’ve done to his work. Why didn’t you attack as I landed? You might have been able to take me right then.”
“I’ve already wronged you, Shield Sister,” Aela said, as she sat herself down in a cross-legged fashion. “I wasn’t going to make it worse by attacking you as well.”
“Then give me some fucking answers,” Aelinna said, moving to sit near the red-haired huntress. “Is something making you do this? A Daedra? Why in all the hells would you take one of my followers and go sell him off like a piece of meat in the market?”
“Because it was the only way to get what I needed to save the lives of many Companions, and possibly even the soul of our Harbinger,” Aela said.
“What’s Kodlak got to do with this?” Aelinna demanded. “I know he’s sick, is that why you sold the pony? For a cure?”
“No,” Aela said, shaking her head. “The wizard I sold your pony to had knowledge and information the Companions desperately need.”
“What information?” Aelinna insisted. “What is worth the hell that wizard is going to put that pony through? Tell me, or do I have to raise my voice again?”
“I can’t tell you,” Aela said, quickly carrying on as Aelinna’s eyes flamed in anger. “Not here, anyway. When we get to Jorrvaskr I’ll tell you everything. My word on it.”
“Do you know what wizards do to people they get their hands on?” Aelinna said, growling the words. “I did some asking around near Winterhold about the bastard. He’s an alchemist, a master alchemist. That wizard is going to take apart that pony piece by piece to see what he can make potions out of. You’ll tell me right fucking now what I need to know or I’ll make you wish it was you the bastard is cutting up.”
Aela blanched. She was a powerful Nord warrior, and one of the best fighters among the Companions, but she had seen Aelinna in battle. Seen her fury, her growing skills, and the power of the dragon blood within her. Aelinna wasn’t quite her equal with a sword, but when you added in the power of the Voice and fire of her rage, Aelinna was more than her match.
“I can tell you where to find them,” Aela said, keeping her face and voice stoic, “but you’re probably too late already. I met with the wizard yesterday, and not even you can cover that much distance that quickly.”
“Don’t bet on it,” Aelinna said, with another dragon-like growl as she stood back up and towered over Aela. “Now, tell me where that festering pus stain is lairing. After I deal with that toadlicker, I’ll come back and talk with you. Pray to whichever god you like that I find the pony alive, because if I don’t…” Aelinna didn’t finish the sentence. She didn’t have to.
“I look forward to our conversation, Shield Sister,” Aela said, standing up as well to face the Dragonborn. “Good luck.”
“No more fucking secrets after this,” Aelinna said, before deliberately putting her back to Aela and again Shouting, “WULD NAH.”
“Perhaps it is time the Circle opened to allow a new member,” Aela said softly, as the echoes of repeated Shouts began to fade into the distance. “I’ll see you at Jorrvaskr, my sister. No more secrets, I swear it.”
The pain was so bad that I couldn’t even scream. I just panted, trying to draw air into my labouring lungs. I saw the wizard reach his bloody hand in once more, and he pulled on something that should never be pulled on. Whatever he had grabbed tore free from inside of me, there was a spike of searing agony, followed by a blissful wave of numbness.
That sudden bliss washed over me, and seemed to lift me up. It kept on carrying me upwards, and I could look down and see the wizard’s back as he bent over my body. As I watched, my view began to retreat as I continued float upwards. Higher and higher I flew, until I lost sight of the wizard, and the land began to blur until I was looking down on the world of Nirn itself.
“Welp, I guess this is it,” I said, drifting toward the stars. “Time to see what’s next, I guess.”
As I floated through the heavens I noticed flashes of light off to one side, and my motion seemed to follow my interest, moving me toward the sparkles. I was sort of wondering why a pony shaped Grim Reaper hadn’t shown up, when I felt myself being drawn towards a nearby hunk of rock. I tried to steer away but the tugging grew into a relentless sucking force that pulled me down at high speed. I hit hard.
“Oof, anyone get the number of that Winnebago?” I asked, a few moments later as I got myself back onto my hooves. I felt a strange tingling tightness over my body and I took a look at myself to check for damage.
“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!” I exclaimed, as I saw what was on me. I’d been harnessed. Specifically, I had on a tight harness of black leather straps that were ornamented with glowing white crystals every couple of inches. A slight tugging at my chest had me turn to one side.
Sitting there, the very picture of serenity, was the goddess Mara. She had seen better days though. Her face was dirty and her clothing was ripped in a few places, not to mention that I could see a steel shackle around one of her ankles that was chained to the rock she sat on. The captive goddess also had a steel cuff around one wrist with another chain that went straight to the chest strap of the harness I was bound in.
“Hello James,” Mara said, smiling at me. “How do you like your soul cage, my little pony?”
“Soul ca—” I began to ask, and a chill spread over me suddenly. I realized that the harness I was wearing was studded with soul gems/, and Mara had called it a “cage”. She had quite literally captured my soul with it.
“Yes, soul cage,” Mara said, twining her cuffed wrist around the linked chain to pull me a little closer. “Had I not anticipated this need, your spirit would have drifted into the aether. There to float aimlessly until it slowly dissipated in a vain attempt to reach either of the afterlifes you are eligible for.”
“So, I’m dead?” I asked, trying to pull back a bit, but Mara’s strength was far beyond mine.
“Not entirely, but you are close enough and your body in more than sufficient agony that your spirit has left it,” Mara said, pulling me to within a few feet of her. “Now, be a dear and sit at my feet. Like a good pet pony should.”
“I am not your pet, Mara,” I said, pointedly refusing to move closer.
“Oh child,” Mara laughed. “You were mine from the moment you accepted my power into you. We are linked by a chain which cannot be broken.” She jangled the silver links binding the two of us together briefly.
“You mean this whole time? Everything I’ve gone through…” I sputtered, scarcely believing what I was hearing. “It was all a setup?”
“Of course. You are a force for change. A literal agent of chaos meant to disrupt Order. Such alteration of what is to be is anathema to Akatosh. He is the God of Time, and breaking the line of time breaks the Dragon, and weakens Him,” Mara said, lips twitching into a brief smirk as she pulled the chain leash taut. “I have guided things so that you and the possibilities you represent are mine to command.”
“Possibilities?” I asked, leaning against the pull with my mind racing trying to think what Mara was driving at. Beyond just having me as her personal pony toy, that is. Then it hit me. My seed. She had collected a portion of my essence. I looked Mara in the face and my realization must have showed.
“Yes, my dear James,” Mara said, and the smile was wide now. “A new race of creatures across the face of Nirn, beholden only to myself. Giving me and only me the power of their worship and devotion. Combined with you causing small, but repeated breaks in the timeline to weaken Lord Akatosh, and I will have sufficient power to become the chief goddess of Nirn. Either that, or strength enough to journey to Equestria to become its ruler. Celestia and Luna would look lovely harnessed to my chariot.”
“I’ll never serve you,” I said, defiance in my glare. “Neither will Equestria.”
“Of course they will,” Mara said, and her eyes and voice hardened. “Sit at my feet.” To my horror, my body took the last few steps over to her and I sat myself down where she had told me to. Mara’s cuffed hand came down and started lazily stroking my mane.
“What? How?” I asked, shocked at my body’s betrayal.
“Silly pet,” Mara said, leash clinking. “My power is a part of you, and I would be a poor goddess indeed if I could not control my own power. You, are mine. To control, to command, to be the instrument of my will.”
“Freedom is the right of all sentient beings,” Talos said, stepping out of the shadows with his sword drawn, “and it is not right of you to try to take James’ freedom from him.”
“He is mine,” Mara insisted. “I’ve paid the price for not letting Akatosh kill him outright. He accepted my power into himself, and he has obeyed my commands. He is mine.”
“You deceived him, you did not tell him the consequences of his choices,” Talos countered, advancing. “You used him and abused his trust. Your actions show why Men can never trust the Gods.”
“And what do you intend to do about it? Kill me?” Mara asked, thrusting out her impressive chest.
“Akatosh ruled you are to be confined here for a time, and I will not overrule my lord’s decision,” Talos said.
“Talos, why are you even here?” I asked, tugging at the black straps of the harness holding me. “I’m not even human anymore. I’m not a man.”
“James,” Talos said, and I swear there was a twinkle in his eye. “Let me tell you a secret of the universe. We are, who we believe we are. If you believe you are a man, then your spirit is that of a man. If you believe you are a pony, then you are a pony. And if… if you believe you are both, then that is what you are.”
“So I’m…” I trailed off, not really able to say the words.
“You are alive,” Talos said, clasping a hand to my shoulder. “Everything else is negotiable. A good man said that in another place and time, and he was right. You carry within you the spirit of Men. The will to defy kings and gods alike is your heritage, and so I am here. To defend that heritage.”
“So what now?” I asked, still sitting at Mara’s feet as she stroked my mane and back like I was some sort of pet. Which it was looking more and more like I was.
“We watch the fireworks,” Talos said, manifesting a chair and sitting on the opposite side of me from Mara; who rolled her eyes at the warrior god’s refusal to sit near her.
“What fireworks?” I asked, looking up, and hating the clinking sound of my leash already.
“Look, up there,” Talos said, pointing with a gauntleted hand.
I looked up into the dark sky to where the warrior god had gestured and as I did, my vision seemed to expand and flow. My eyes saw things that I knew should not have been visible to mortal eyes, but, praise be to Talos, I was seeing them anyway.
I had met the Diarchs of Equestria. I even had a personal relationship with one of them, and I knew them as compassionate beings who used their power with as much care and wisdom as they could. I had been at Luna’s side as she had wielded her might in the dream realm. I’d seen her power, her majesty, and her love and care for all her ponies. What I had never seen was Luna and her sister using everything they had in all-out, balls to the wall battle.
Luna and Celestia burned with the might of their fury and outrage. They shone like suns come to war in a celestial battleground and their banner of fire was declaration of intent to the gods of Nirn. Who were all too eager to pick up the gauntlet that had been thrown down, and I saw five equally blazing suns roar towards the Diarchs.
Luna and Celestia were outnumbered, outgunned, and were on someone else’s turf. Their defeat should have been certain, but the Diarchs had something going for them that the five against them couldn’t match.
Harmony.
Akatosh, Julianos, Arkay, Kynareth and Stendarr attacked the Sisters as soon as they were close enough to do so, but their strikes were uncoordinated and unplanned. In contrast, the Diarchs fought back as if they were a single being, each moving in smooth compliment to the other. Where one was weak, the other was strong. Where Luna was cunning, Celestia was wise. They were in complete balance, and their tactics showed it.
When Arkay tried to cloak himself in the shadows, it was Celestia’s light that revealed him. When Akatosh launched a strike at Celestia’s blind side, it was Luna who anticipated the shot and pushed the Dragon God off-course just enough. Luna and Celestia may have been outnumbered five to two overall, but at each clash of power they were always two to the other’s one.
Even as Kynareth screamed in pain at Celestia’s solar fire burning through her shield, and Luna warded off a counter-blow by Julianos, I could tell I was missing something. Luna and Celestia were putting up an amazing fight, but they couldn’t keep it up forever. Sooner or later one of them would make a mistake and then the fight would be over. There had to be something I wasn’t seeing, some reason why the Diarchs were fighting as openly as they were.
“Ah, you see it as well,” Talos said, and I could hear the approval in that low voice. “Let me show you what you are looking for. I think a little music is appropriate.”
From out of nowhere drums trilled and trumpets blared, and a moment later I realized that I knew that music. I must have seen the old cheesy movie it was from a dozen times, but it surprised me is that Talos knew it as well.
“Klendathu Drop?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “Really?”
“I am also a god of battles, and your people make excellent martial music,” Talos said, reaching down to guide my sight. “Look there! There she is!”
Once again I stared out into the abyss, squinting my eyes and trying to focus on what Talos had noticed. Finally, I spotted it. A grey speck, dropping unseen through the middle of that titanic battle in the cosmos. Talos twitched his hand, and the speck grew in my vision until it resolved into the image of a grey pegasus. Derpy, my Derpy Hooves, was flying through it all, her wings arched in the classic pose of a diving falcon as she flew towards Nirn.
“A diversion,” I breathed. “It’s a diversion.”
“Of course it is,” Talos said, and again there was that pleased sound in his voice. “The Diarchs know they cannot defeat Akatosh and the others, not on their home ground. I do not agree with the actions of the other gods, so I have chosen to stand apart from them, and let them fight without my experience.”
“She’ll ruin everything!” Mara yelled, getting up from her seat, her shackle jangling. “AK—” A muzzle suddenly came into being over Mara’s mouth, silencing her.
“That will be enough out of you,” Talos growled. “I have had enough of your wiles, enough of your schemes for power. Have the decency to accept that this part of your plans has failed. With grace, as a goddess should.” Muzzled, Mara said nothing, instead sending a fulminating glare at Talos that threatened to reduce him to ash on the spot.
Some part of Mara’s cry must have reached Akatosh’s ears though, because the Dragon God suddenly wheeled in flight shouting, “Children! We are deceived. GET THAT PEGASUS! DESTROY HER!”
The Lords of Nirn hurled themselves in pursuit of my Derpy, and Celestia moved to follow, but Luna held back. Instead of charging in pursuit, the Princess of the Night instead summoned a silver bugle to her lips and began to play. The notes were high, soaringly high and wild, triggering something in me that was neither wholly human nor pony. A strange exhilaration filled me, a need to take up a weapon, to drive forward and fasten my teeth in the throat of my enemy.
It wasn’t until I glanced at Talos and saw my feelings mirrored in his expression that I realized what Luna was doing. She was sounding the charge, and it hurt that bound as I was I could not follow the command of my liege lady, but then again I was not the only pony on that battlefield.
All ponies have a special talent. A special ability that is theirs and theirs alone, and is symbolized by their cutie mark. Sometimes the relationship between Mark and Talent is obscure, sometimes it is obvious and blatant. In the case of Derpy Hooves, everypony assumed that the bubbles on her flank stood for her happy and bubbly nature.
They were wrong.
At the sound of Luna’s trumpet, power flared from the wings of my pegasus as she drew on the innate power of cutie mark magic, and for the first time in years, let loose her special talent. Those weren’t bubbles on Derpy’s flank, oh no. They were shockwaves.
Spheres of raw kinetic power dropped off Derpy’s wings to detonate behind her in one concussive explosion after another. She rode those shockwaves with all the skill of a champion surfer, the blasts accelerating her already incredible speed into something that began to defy description. The display triggered a memory in me. Something my tenth grade science teacher had mentioned. Something about why you never let rednecks play with nukes, and my eyes went wide as the memory clicked.
“Orion,” I said, in amazement. “She’s a living Orion Drive.”
“So it would seem,” Talos said, as we watched Derpy blast forward.
The Lords of Nirn charged in pursuit of Derpy, and despite having to deal with both the shockwaves from the wrong end and Derpy’s amazing speed, they slowly began to close the gap. It was starting to look bad, right up until the Sisters played their ace-in-the-hole card.
Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance winked into existence above and below Akatosh. Taking a brief moment to orient themselves, they unleashed everything they had at the old drake. Twilight and Cadance were very much the junior princesses of the group, but they had both the Power of Love, and the Element of Magic at their command. Their hammer blows of force struck the Dragon God on the crown of his head and bottom of his jaw with sickening crunches.
Akatosh reeled like a ship caught in a sudden storm, stunned from the blows. The other four gods, hearing the blasts, turned away from the pursuit to come to the aid of their lord, fury in their eyes. Cadance and Twilight wisely ran from their ambush to join up with Luna and Celestia. The fight was now four to five, and even I could see Akatosh was hurt. Derpy was in the clear.
“Now then, James,” Talos said, standing. “You have a choice to make. You can stay here, and be Mara’s pet. Your spirit will live on, and I will do my best to keep her excesses with you to a minimum, but she will own you, make no mistake.”
“Or?” I asked, still feeling Mara’s command to sit on my body.
“Or,” Talos said, drawing his silvery blade. “I can sever your connection, here and now. Your spirit would return to your body. Which is likely going to die, and this time, your spirit will probably not survive it. But, you might still live, and if not, you should have time to say goodbye, at least.”
I’d made my decision a long time ago. The same decision my ancestors had made, the same decision the founders of my country had made over 200 years ago. I looked Talos in the eyes and said, “My people have a saying, ‘Live free or die.’ Get me out of here.”
“And that, Mara, is why I will always champion the Cause of Men. Because Men have a nobility the gods lack,” Talos said, and he brought his sword down to cleanly sever the silver chain binding me to Mara. A moment later I felt my body come back under my command, and I opened my mouth to thank Talos, but sudden vertigo swept over me and I fell.
I fell through the stone beneath me, through the rock, and through space down to distant Nirn. I fell all the way down to my poor, abused body and I nearly shrieked at the pain I felt as body and spirit rejoined. The agony I my body was in should have held my attention, but that was taken by the tableau near me.
My beloved Derpy had come through for me, but she was still Derpy, and had obviously misjudged her landing; if the fresh crater was any indication. Unfortunately, she also just as obviously been a little dazed on impact and the wizard and his draugr had taken advantage. Derpy stood there with no less than four lassos on her, holding her in place.
“Oh, this is excellent,” the wizard said, looking at the captive mare. “I still have some of the first pony’s seed. I can breed the mare and produce more—” The wizard’s monologue cut off, and he looked down at the foot of steel that suddenly protruded from his chest.
“That will be fucking enough out of you,” Aelinna said, wrenching her sword out of the wizard’s back. “You cowardly shit stain. You should be thanking me with these last putrid breaths of yours. If I had my way I’d stake you out for Alduin and let that prick shove his dick so far up your ass, your skull would pop off the top of your neck and dangle around like a bony cock ring.”
The Dragonborn kicked the man forward and he collapsed to the ground; half turning so that he could see his killer. His last expression was a comical mix of shock, outrage and disgust before his face relaxed in death. A sudden smell told me that other parts of him had relaxed in death as well.
“A shit stain ‘til the end,” Aelinna pronounced, turning toward Derpy and the draugr. “Let’s get you out that, girl.”
There followed a fight that was as fierce as it was brief. I couldn’t see all that much of it, but I could hear sounds of sword and hoof hitting undead flesh. It only seemed like moments later that Aelinna was cutting me free and Derpy was gathering me into her hooves like I was Dinky.
“Oh James,” Derpy said, tears in her eyes as she saw the terrible wound that was my belly. “Let's get you home.”
“Wait,” Aelinna said, pouring a healing potion down my throat. I felt the now familiar warmth blossom in me, but it seemed unable to deal with the cold in my guts.
“Dammit,” the Dragonborn started to curse, as she poured a second and a third potion into me. “Fuck.”
“What’s wrong?” Derpy asked, trying to hold me and wrap an improvised bandage around my middle at the same time.
“Healing potions aren’t working,” Aelinna said, tucking a few more into my old saddlebags. “They’re doing something, but not enough. Keep feeding him these and get him home, okay?”
“Okay, thank you,” Derpy said, before reaching out and handing the Dragonborn one of her feathers. “Thank you for doing your best, and for being a friend. Equestria never forgets friendship.”
“Just get the fuck out of here,” Aelinna said, giving Derpy a fierce but brief hug. I got the feeling that not too many people actually thanked the Dragonborn for all the shit she went through on their behalf.
Derpy smiled her lopsided smile, and lifted off with me in her forehooves. A few moments later she did that orthogonal turn Discord had taught her and took us between dimensions.
“Saw the fight,” I said, breathing through the pain that was my constant companion now. “You were awesome. How come you don’t do that all the time?” Derpy’s face was a mask of emotion.
“Concussion syndrome,” she said, as we began to move away from Nirn. “Using my special talent is like getting hit in the head over and over. When I was a filly I was okay, for awhile. But it just got worse and worse the more I used it. It messed up my eyes, my balance, and just about my life.”
“Sorry,” I said, reaching up to touch her face with a hoof.
“Worth it,” she said, smiling. “Shush now, I need to concentrate.”
The rest of the trip back was something of a blur, but at one point I had the impression of four rays of light falling into escort positions around Derpy and I. The next serious moment of coherency I had was when Derpy levered me onto a bed at Ponyville General. A bunch of doctors started checking me over, and their looks weren’t encouraging.
“We’re sorry, Princess,” one of them said to Luna, trying to be discreet but failing miserably. “We can make him comfortable, but that’s about all.”
“What do you mean?” Luna asked, not being subtle at all. “Heal him. I command it.”
“I’m sorry, Your Highness,” the doctor said, cringing, “but there are entire parts of him that are just… missing. There’s nothing more we can do.”
“It’s okay, Luna,” I said, trying to sound all macho and shit so Derpy wouldn’t cry. “I made my choices, and I’ve had a good run.”
“NO!” Luna exclaimed, cold smoke beginning to roll off of her. “Discord! I summon thee!” A moment later my boss appeared. He didn’t look happy either.
“Before you ask,” Discord said, holding up a paw. “The answer is ‘No’.”
“Why?” Derpy asked, not having moved from my side. “I thought you were our friend.”
“Dear Derpy,” Discord said, a sad smile on his face. “I am your friend. But James already avoided his fate once thanks to us. I can’t do it again.”
“What?” Derpy asked. “What does that mean?”
“It means, that James was supposed to die in that alley. Back in his hometown,” Discord said. “His getting involved with us let him side-step that destiny, because then you were watching him and were there to save him.”
“The others?” I croaked, knowing the answer already.
“All had their own fates to meet,” Discord said, and I couldn’t help but wonder about those I’d sat with back at that interview, so long ago. “It’s one reason you could do what you did. You were outside of Fate’s view, a non-entity. I’d hoped you would have had longer, maybe even a whole lifetime, but I guess not.”
“S’okay,” I said, looking between Derpy and Luna. “I got to meet some amazing folks. Got to do amazing stuff.”
“Discord, please,” Luna begged, a moment after digesting the exchange between me and Discord. “Save him. Name thy price and I shall pay it. I shall be thy toy, thy plaything, and right willingly so, if that is thy desire.”
“I… can’t,” Discord said, shame on his face. “I defied the Fates once on James’ behalf. I can’t do it again. There are rules that even I can’t break.”
“Rules?” Luna asked, with incredulous anger in her voice. “Fie on rules! Since when does Discord, Lord of Chaos, care one whit about rules? Thou art THE rulebreaker! It is what defines thee, as much as anything can.” Discord’s expression became thoughtful.
“Anything I want, eh?” Discord asked, and his eyes were literally whirling as he thought. “Even if I wanted to put a bridle on you and ride you bareback around the castle?”
“Even that,” Luna said, with a slight tremor in her voice. “Or any other perversion your mind can conceive.”
“Alright,” Discord said, clapping paw and talon together. “I’ll do it, but this is my price. One day, I will come to you, Luna. I will ask you for a favor, and you will grant it without hesitation. It may be to chain you to a breeding rack and make you my broodmare so I can make some little Discords, or it may be to get me a simple glass of water. Either way, you will grant me that favor when I ask for it. Have we a bargain?”
“We do,” Luna said, holding out a hoof. “I will make a Faustian pact with thee.”
“The Bargain is struck, the Deal is made,” Discord said solemnly, touching his paw to Luna’s hoof. “Thus Fate’s rules we evade.”
“Okay then,” Discord said, turning away from Luna and looking around the room, as I felt myself start to fade a bit. “Template, template, I need a template.”
“Why not just make him human again?” Derpy asked.
“Can’t. Not without a template to fit his form to. With his collar gone, his human form would be temporary, at best,” Discord said, and his eyes focused on Derpy with sudden intent. “Yes, that will work. Derpy, come here.”
“Okay,” Derpy said, standing up from my bedside. “What do you—urk!”
Discord had grabbed Derpy by the throat and held her up into the air. I was about to protest, but a moment later he did the same with me. It hurt, a lot. It was weird, but I could actually feel Discord’s paw inside of me, and looking over at Derpy I could have sworn she was translucent now, with Discord’s paw buried inside of her.
“Sorry, no time to be gentle,” Discord said, his attention on something only he could see. “Yes, this is going to work. Might be a little shocking to you, but you’ll be alive to be shocked. Heh, might even be funny.”
There was a roaring in my ears. Not only was I dying from evisceration, but now I was being choked to death on top of that. The roaring grew louder, my vision went to plaid, and then everything went dark and quiet. Either a moment or an eternity later I came to and opened my eyes. Derpy lay on the hospital room floor a few feet away, quiet and still.
“No!” I shouted, getting to my hooves and charging over. It was weird, but my voice sounded higher pitched, with a weird sort of lilt to it. My hips felt wider too, but none of that mattered as I scooped Derpy up. My belly felt a little odd, but I put it down to Discord putting everything back together down there.
“Oh,” Luna said, eyes very, very wide as she looked at me with a hoof over her mouth. “Oh Discord, thou art a fiend indeed.”
“Don’t worry, Lulu. I can get you a supply of R63 potions,” Discord said, with a wide grin. “I would suggest that later on you get yourself over to Rarity’s, and have yourself measured for a saddle and bridle.”
“You seek your payment already?” Luna asked, her voice stoic and nodding determinedly. “Very well.”
“Oh, that’s not my favor,” Discord said, and my heart leapt for joy as I felt Derpy beginning to stir in my hooves. “I’m just suggesting you do that, as a friend. I’ll let you know when I’m actually calling in my marker.” Luna gave Discord a glare as she realized just what her deal with Discord was really going to be costing her.
“Oooh, that wasn’t good,” Derpy groaned, opening her eyes. “James, you look… different.”
“Considering I’ve been taken apart and put back together twice now,” I said, smiling as Derpy’s hoof began to trace its way down toward my cock. I smiled, as her hoof descended, then frowned as her hoof didn’t touch my stallion parts, but instead bounced off a couple of very nice feeling mounds way low down on my belly. I looked down, and was shocked at what I saw.
“Discord!” I shouted. “What the hell, man? What did you do to me?”
“I reshaped and remade your body using the template I had available,” Discord said, still smiling. “Derpy was the template. She’s a mare, and now you are too. Hey, look on the bright side, all your male troubles are behind you now.”
I took a long, long look at Discord, and began to laugh. I laughed long and loud, and I didn’t care who heard me. I’d beaten the odds, defied Fate, and rewritten my own destiny. All it had cost me was my obvious humanity and my guy card. Then again, I was alive, I was free and who said I couldn’t rewrite my destiny a third time.
Like Talos had said, I was who and what I believed I was. I believed I was James Allens, late of Earth and now of Equestria. I was alive, and everything else, was negotiable.
