• Member Since 11th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Rainbow Sparkle


My name is Cain, a person who loves writing and rping. Am also a writer on Furaffinity http://www.furaffinity.net/user/rainbowsparkle91/, come check me out!

T

This Story is CANCELLED

When Princess Celestia tasks the Mane Six with reforming the Spirit of Chaos, they aren't exactly thrilled about it. However, they are still determined to try... even if most think it isn't worth the time or effort.

But when they free him, Discord has other plans. He transports them to another universe, another world, locking away many of their memories and leaving them in a strange and different world in forms they aren't familiar with and their elements drained.

But luckily, Friendship really is magic, and there are those in this world who are ready and willing to help the Mane Six restore their memories, and the Elements of Harmony, so that they can return home.

And if their absence in one world and presence in another causes some chaos? Well, then a certain Chaos spirit is perfectly happy with that!

=======================================
Takes place near the end of Book 1 of the Harry Potter series
=======================================
This story is a revision of my original idea. The original idea never made it here, but I tweaked it to something I'm happier with.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 25 )

It seems like a good start. The writing style is pleasant to read and I'm interested in reading more, at least for now. Keep up the good work and if you can please set a posting schedule.

So if the girls attend Hogwarts what houses do we think they will be sorted into? I think:
Twilight would be in Ravenclaw
Rainbow Dash would be in Gryffindor
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie would be in Huffelpuff
And Rarity would be in Slythrin.

10629846
I see where you are coming from with ambition, but Rarity also values hard work (in terms of her work for making clothes) so she could be in Hufflepuff.

Anyone else doing the same voices Jim dale does in there heads?

It has potential, but so far there's just not enough in regards to the plot to give a proper assessment. Write a chapter (prologue doesn't count) from the ponies' perspective then ask for feedback. It is written well enough not to scare me away so you have that going for you. Though having said that I must point out the one egregious error that I did see you make. That it only occurred once and can be easily fixed was enough to keep my head from exploding.

He had worried he would find Harry mortally injured, or otherwise in serious danger. That Quirrell might try to hold Harry hostage in return for the stone. Or that by some small chance with the assistance of Lord Voldemort, Quirrell would have found a way to retrieve the stone so that the Dark Lord could once more bring terror to Britain.

No problems here but I quote that paragraph to point out that you're using past tense. It is consistent with the rest of the story which is good.

What he finds instead is Harry Potter, alive if a bit battered, and Professor Quirrell with a nasty looking gash on his head underneath a pile of several teenage girls and a young, unfamiliar species of dragon sitting atop them.

And here is where you run into trouble. It's a simple error that unfortunately acts much like a rusty nail that was hiding in the grass. "What he finds" is present tense. Regardless of the rest of the sentence, that one word "finds" shifts the tense from what had been a consistent past tense structure. Changing tense in a story is very bad. I'm not a fan of present tense in fiction but if the whole story were written in present tense then it would be still be valid.

The latter sets of whom, so he had been told by Harry, simply appeared in a flash of light.

And then you go back to, and thankfully stick with past tense.

So the fix is simple. Change that one word from "finds" to "found". The rest of the sentence may have present tense words (such as sitting), but the subject of the sentence is what Dumbledore found. Everything else is is just describing that.

Please understand that I'm not trying to be "that obnoxious guy" when I point this out. I wasn't lying when I said I thought the chapter was well written, but while I can forgive the occasional you're/your or their/there/they're or similar oops (not that you had any, just an example), tense changing really derails the flow of a story. For me, it has in the past literally given me headaches, and when I say literally I truly mean literally and not figuratively. My quip about my head exploding may be hyperbole, but not by much.

I'm now tracking this story because so far your premise is intriguing and I'd really like to see where you take it.

10658698
Thank you for pointing that out! I will state tense is something I sometimes have a problem with, especially because sometimes the word that works best for the way I'm writing is a present tense or past tense one. And I don't always catch these things either, so if you see any in the future just give a hollar and I'll get it fixed.

Should be fixed, if its not let me know and I'll make sure I've done it right.

Was wondering how many chapters it would take to get communication down glad to see it was a reasonable amount of time .really enjoying the story btw keep up the good work

Well that is somewhat bad that Voldemort escaped but at least now we have a credible witness to it. I wonder how they will explain away the girls and how getting them into school is going to go because this will take some work and it will not go unnoticed by other parties.

Plot-wise I'm not really wowed yet, but neither is it boring. It is enough to hold my interest so far. I personally think your chapters could be a bit longer, by maybe 500-1000 words, but only if you don't sacrifice quality for volume. Your writing technique is still solid so if the chapter length is working for you then stick with what works.

EDIT: Spelling correction.

10668430
Communication will still be a bit of an issue, but will be addressed in the short and long term.
10668478
There being a witness to Voldemort still existing is going to be important down the line. But its also something that needs to be handled with care. As for how they'll get in, we'll see how it goes~ But you are right, it won't go unnoticed by several parties and isn't going to be something some folks are happy with.
10668611
Actually, I was worried my chapter was getting a bit too long there near the end. I do have a general goal of aiming for at least 3k words per chapter but don't have any ceiling for how long a chapter will be.

Glad my writing is keeping your attention~ Yeah, I can understand that on the plot wise. Hopefully the next few chapters will change that. Once I get them written, but thankfully I've got an outline to work from so I know the general direction things are going.

Not much to show here yet, but competently written so far, so I'll be watching this one with interest. Been binging on HP x MLP crossovers lately, happy to see another! (Apparently, ponies WILL get me to read anything!)
Very curious to see how the Sorting pans out.
I would echo one of the other comments - never sacrifice quality for quantity for the sake of word-count. Any passage of writing should (at the risk of sounding trite) be only as long as it needs to be - whether it's a piece of scene description that has to go into detail because it will be referred to later, or a short passage that conveys its meaning and impact by what's left unsaid.

What was The original idea about?

This is really good! At first I was apprehensive about the whole memory loss thing, but I really enjoyed what you have written so far.

10801892
There were several original ideas to be fair, but they would have spanned across several chapters and would have resulted in not much time actually passing.

10827805
Glad you're enjoying it! And thank you for faving it~

Dumbledore doesn't want to take any chances, huh. If he made sure they had a place to live in Diagon Alley or Hogsmead then the girls might have gotten a chance to spend some time with their peers on the border world between the muggle and magical.

Minerva and Pomona both groaned at that, while Dumbledore simply smirked as he remarked, “This of course presumes that they do decide to take the offer. Though I must admit, I wonder what houses they would all wind up in.” He peered at the four of them, a mischievous glimmer flashing in his eye as he inquired, “Do you think any of them would wind up in your House, Severus?”

This is an interesting question. I think Rarity would be a good fit, she is certainly very ambitious and gets along well with the nobility types, if a core aspect of her being was not generosity. That being said, there's nothing saying you HAVE to be evil to go to Slytherin, just ambitious, which isn't bad in itself. I once saw a fic where Pinkie of all people went to Slytherin, because her ambition was to be the "best party-planner EVER" and Slytherin was the house that needed cheering up the most.

Another great chapter, and I can't wait to see the end of year feast.

10829557
No, she went to Slytherin because she asked the hat to put her in the house most in need of a party.

10829648
That's what I said.

Applejack could excel at Herbology
Fluttershy - Care of Magical Creatures
Rainbow Dash - Quidditch
Twilight - Transfiguration
Rarity - Charms
Pinkie - I honestly have no clue

Well the leaving feast will be memorable I bet. Still I wonder how the next sorting will go and how they will be split up. I think that would give them more people to be friends with and more allies to bring back to Equestria to deal with that Lord of Chaos.

10829557
I agree. Twilight to ravenclaw, RD to griffindor, Rarity to slytherin and AJ, Pinkie and Fluttershy to huffelpuff

10829557
10829677
10831276

I have already figured out who goes where, and am likely to explore those options via dialogue with the hat when they get sorted at the beginning of year 2 for Harry.

10831276
Fluttershy belongs in Griffindore. Out of all the girls, she has the most to overcome. But when it comes right down to it, the only thing she truly fears is social interaction. She made a full-grown dragon back down when she thought her friends were going to get hurt.

“And? Its still true.”

It''''"s

Login or register to comment