Thirty moons have passed since Twilight lost contact with her Canterlot High friends. When the portal reopened she eagerly rushed to visit them.
But the world she found herself in is nothing like the one she remembered. Each day is a constant battle for survival against the elements, twisted wildlife and an ever present madness that claws at the minds of those who survive. Worse still, her friends are missing and Twilight's only way home is lost.
Left with only one choice Twilight must set forth into the ruins of the city and brave the worst it has to offer in order to save her friends and to find her way home.
But Fallen Canterlot has many secrets and her presence has not gone unnoticed.
Special thanks to Legofan, ChudoJogurt and thatguyvex for their help and support.
Inspired by Fallout: Equestria Girls by Extradimensional Alien.
Nice story so far!
I'm going to follow along.
And so it begins! I really do like this opening to the story. It's got a nice balance of atmosphere and tension building, leading up to the action, and you drop just enough information here to make me really curious to see where Twilight and Sunset's journey goes from here. A good start.
8255792, thank you!
8255874, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope the rest goes as well.
Looks good, man! Thanks for the opportunity to work the rust off my writing chops a little bit
.
You always do such a strong character dialogue that it almost seems like you are one of the leading writers for the show man. I hope to be able to one day harness the same technique that you use to display such a convincing and emotional feel two the conversations the characters share with each other. I can't wait for more you always seem to amaze me with your ability to get well thought out work done in such a small time limit. I'm rooting for you man this looks like a really good start to a good story
good start, I have feeling sunet's demon came out and burn the world or midnight did,
I truly though this was going to be a madmax crossover of sorts when I start reading....
8259896 I'm afraid there won't be any epic car chases across a desert in this story, but I'm glad you enjoyed the start.
8259952
lol I figure I do hope thing work out or at very least, sunset and twilight get togeather go back to ponyland when it all done.... I am track it though
That really is a nice and warm start. thank you.
SO AWESOME!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!
This sounds really good. I can't wait for more.
I going ot say the other 3 are in charge of wondertown, and the cloak person is either luna, or celistia
Another great chapter I'm already hyped. Keep it up!
PS Thanks for your help at my story but I fear that it may be canceled :(
8282181 I love to hear theories, but you'll just have to wait and see if they're right.
8282447 Thanks! And that's sad news, I liked your story idea. If you ever want any more help then just send me a PM. I'm always happy to lend a hand.
My oh my...well, it was nice to see Applejack and Fluttershy again, even if I'm slightly scared/suspicious that something might be up with Fluttershy... Also, the frost on the windows makes me think of Windigos, and that's never good. I hope the girls make some headway into this problem soon.
I really did enjoy the worldbuilding with this chapter. Establishing dangers like the magical anomalies and showing how even the harsh environment affects the way people have to live by doing simple things like throwing up canvass and tarps to protect their settlement from the sun does a lot to build a picture of the world that's rich and clear. I also like the hints of something being up with both Fluttershy and Apple Bloom. Twilight's clearly got her work cut out for her if she's going to do anything about this mess.
Wait, I thought only rainbow and rarity was missing, and now pinkie,I just hope when they find the others a monster attacks them, something kills it, the girls look down, and it's rainbow, even more badass the before
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Equestria Girls: Fallen Canterlot
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros
You are able to create very good sense of terror and dread with the few parts you've had so far.
A lot of the flow was well done and was easy to follow.
Finally the characters themselves were well flkushed out and represented properly.
Cons
I think the chapters are bunched full of info, but I guess less chapters are better than tons of little ones
Notes Section
I don't have much that could improve the story beyond what it is now
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Stars Above Equestria
Well, I have to say, that this story has managed to thoroughly grab my attention.
There's a whole lot of questions floating around right now involving the world and how it reached this new state and what's happened to the characters within it. The loss of memories with Sunset's time jump really stand out at the moment. Really going to be looking forward to seeing how that one plays out.
Keep up the good work!
Twilight is not going to be much help since in this world the magic that she is dependent on is so limited and we do not even know if she can use it at all. The movies showed sci twi use magic but pony twi only ever used the elements.
Amazing!!!!!
Well. That was an unexpected turn of events at the end. But I'm interested in seeing where it goes.
8313529
I'm glad you liked it.
8313542
It will go somewhere. All of it will.
I really did like the pacing here, with solid action while still providing plenty of bits of growing mystery and hints to the larger picture. I enjoy seeing how Fluttershy is dealing with her own changes. The demon was certainly presented as a solid threat, and more to the point, revealed to be far more than just a random monster but an intelligent servant to a higher power. That final scene raises many questions, and I look forward to seeing the answers eventually revealed.
"He doesn't look dangerous."
Twilight darling, you don't look dangerous even in your true form.
You're an adorable, purple pony princess who can control things with your mind, alter the minds of others, shoot energy beams, control gravity, summon storms, teleport and turn living beings into fruit among other (terrifying when you stop and think about them) powers. You're living proof looks can be deceiving and didn't Zecora teach you not to judge a book by its cover?
It's a good thing best pony/human was there to save you, your naivety almost got both you and Spike killed.
Wait burning skies, demons, magic wielding humans and witch-hunting zealots. God damn it Dracula, who did what to piss you off this time?
If you don't get the reference, I highly recommend the Castlevania anime on Netflix. It's only got one 4 episode season with another season already announced and it's based on the game of the same name (well the prequel anyway). You don't need any prior knowledge of the games to enjoy it though fair warning it is VERY R RATED. I can't tell you much more without spoiling it.
Anyway back to this story. If the humans weren't so magic-phobic Twilight could get supplies for them from Equestria though, even if they weren't that could lead to other problems stemming mostly from greed especially if other, less friendly settlements and people found out about it. The demon would also have to be dealt with somehow for that to even be an option.
Fluttershy seems to have watched the vet die and was understandably messed up by it. I hope those weren't Flash's bones at the school, did he perhaps go there to wait for Twilight to come through the portal? Do the bones belong to anyone we know or just a morbid decoration intended to let the reader and Twilight know shit just got real up in here?
8320918
I've been meaning to watch Castlevania. I'll check it out soon.
As for the bones, currently they are just a random human. This is subject to change if needed.
Sort of figured it was the journal that Dragon was tracking and after though something tells me that was Apple Bloom who conjured up that tree in its face at the end. Which would explain Apple Bloom's absolute certainty when she said the trees needed water in the previous chapter, she can probably communicate with them in the same way that Fluttershy talks to animals. I can't imagine Granny Smith's going to take this well, granddaughter or not, hopefully she doesn't too bat shit crazy.
So human Twilight has become Midnight Sparkle in this story? The cloaked figure could be her then, though it could also be Vice Principle Luna given her dream magic and having gone a bit mad going into a semi Nightmare Moon personality. Midnight Sparkle is the more likely option especially with how she taunted Sunset in this chapter.
Clearly the Voladoran don't want Equestria getting involved since they've gone one of their way to get rid of the journal's and the gems but then why give random people magic unless that wasn't intentional? Wonder who the Regent was before she was made what she is now, one of the Sirens or another of the humane 6 perhaps? Anyway our heroes have to find a way to tap into their magic better because guns don't seem to work at all.
This intrigues me even if one of my favourite characters (Rarity) is no where to be seen
I can't wait for the next update.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Equestria Girls – Fallen Canterlot
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 6
Unfortunately, this story suffers from a number of common pitfalls that may not be evident on a brief skimming, but which are nonetheless detrimental to the reader’s experience. While none of these are fatal in themselves, they are repeated often enough to be noticeable as a flaw. These issues include multiple repetition of:
-Confounding possessive and contractive forms of “Its/It’s”
-Inconsistent use of hyphenation practices
-Omission of commas where needed (e.g. in lists of descriptive modifiers)
-Comma splices where a full stop would be appropriate
-Inattentive lack of capitalization of character names at times
It is the reviewer’s opinion that most of these issues could be adequately addressed by a close proof-reading and thus improve the overall quality of the story.
Pros:
-The author’s intended plot is a lively one: upon returning to the human world, Twilight and Spike immediately begin to run into a bleak waste of dangers and monsters and must investigate the ruins of Canterlot High and find their friends. This is a setup that cannot fail to draw the reader on and create brisk conflict as Twilight, together with Sunset Shimmer, encounters danger upon danger.
-The story truly beings to hit its stride and is at its best when Twilight is encountering these dangers. The encounter with Cranky Doodle is an excellent example of this: not only does the exchange dredge up some primal fears and cold nightmares of one’s primary school teachers that everyone experiences at some point in their lives, but the action and description come quick and staccato and make for fun reading whenever Twilight is in danger. Which, thankfully, is often.
-The names and reasons given for the Equestria Girls world being the way it is – the “Madness”, the “Burning Days”, and the brooding, looming presence of the demon Dragon – are appropriately weighty and do a lot of work in letting the reader’s trembling imagination run wild with the heavy possibilities portended. The quite literal pressure of Dragon’s presence reinforces the sense of dread that the author wishes to promote by these devices.
Cons:
-While the plot as such is a lively one, the execution is often lacking in the choice of a very dialogue-heavy setup. Once Twilight actually arrives in the EQG world, one hopes that the pace will pick up, and does at times, but in general the highly expository dialogue is a stumbling block to the ends of the story’s plot.
-Sentence structure, particularly during the action sequences, is sometimes monotonous. Many series of sentences assuming the form “[Name] did a thing” cluster one upon another in succession, and some greater variation on a theme is wanted.
-Spike’s presence, more often than not, serves to slow down the pacing even further. His presence is necessary as a foil for Twilight, but his interjections frequently add little to the thrust of a scene.
Notes:
The reviewer believes that there is a solid story here beneath the drooping weight of exposition and dialogue, but which needs the dresser’s knife to bring out fully. The grammatical issues are an easy fix; the structure of the story, however, while possible to fix, will be more painful. The chief problem from which the criticisms given above arise appears to be that poor means were chosen to achieve the ends of the plot. The plot demands a bleak, even austere presentation of facts; the story delivers heavy dialogue and exposition instead. The action sections approach the required tone and presentation, and one feels that the presentation of the world would benefit from the way in which Twilight’s reactions are presented there – that is, by showing her reaction, rather than describing her feelings and observations explicitly.
Another way in which this story could be improved is to introduce the weighty Madness and the Burning Days earlier in Sunset and Twilight’s interactions than they are presently, then having Sunset go tight-lipped about it, as if unwilling to discuss the matter too closely due to internal pain. Generally, Sunset and the rest of Twilight’s friends that make an appearance in the story to the point available to the reviewer seem to be holding up a bit too well under the stress of the End of the World as We Know It. Increase the menace, increase the intrigue.
None of these problems are insoluble, and the reviewer believes that if these are addressed, the author will have written a most enjoyable yarn set in an EQG post-Apocalyptia.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: The Unicorn and the Crow
[To the Author, Feather Book: I have made an exhaustive list of all grammatical corrections needed up to the third chapter. Please PM me for a copy of this list if you so desire it.]
8331759
Thank you very much for the in-depth review. I agree that the points you made should be addressed, and I hope to do so in later chapters.
The longer this story goes on the more stupid it seems for twilight to stay there. She is completely dependent on magic and in this world she has no idea how it actually works.
Also how do they know that magic is not the reason behind this apocolypse or even if it is actually making it worst. This is similiar to the introduction of a foreign species into an isolated ecosystem. When this happens most of the time everything falls apart.
Yup, portal's closed. Predictable twist, but a necessary one. I look forward to seeing how the girls deal with this.
8348540
Right
This is one of the few stories where I want a flash back
8348540, 8350506. I'm sorry you two feel that way. Twilight has an important role to play. She may be the element of magic, but there's more to her then just magic.
8350508, things will become clear with time.
8349687, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
This is still to be continued right cause I read a lot of stories that ended like this incomplete
8359504, I'm working on chapter 5 right now. Updates may slow at times but I do plan on finishing.
i honestly cant see sunset going back to equestria in this scenario after banishment she would try ot fidn the rest of her friends again
8379115
Sunset has her reasons, and it wasn't supposed to be a permanent return, just somewhere safe to stay. Either way, she can't go back now
Ohhh, dear. Looks like Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and I guess Sweetie Belle's dad, are...not right anymore.
Alright, re-reading that last scene things I think make a lot more sense now than they did my first tie through. I do like how the harder realities of the events transpiring in this world are hitting Twilight and she's gradually coming to grips with things. And the mystery with Fluttershy only continues to increase and make me eager to see how that pans out. I'm as eager as ever to see where this story goes, so keep it up!
this world was caused by the introduction of magic to a magicless world.
Twilight does not seem to get that she is in a different world. Magic there is like the animals that are released by travellers that destroy environments.
The story takes a darker shift with this chapter and I rather liked how it was handled. We already knew that the world was dangerous and that bad things could happen, but this portion with the CMC really brings that home and bumps up the stakes, even moreso than the demon attack did. I think the whole scene between Apple Boom and her friends was pretty chilling. Now I'm looking forward to just seeing how this situation will resolve.
I do love the overall tension present in this chapter, and between the brutality of the nightmare, the dangerous insanity of Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo combined with their magical abilities, along with just how many more nightmares are shown to rove the streets at night the chapter does a great job of establishing exactly why Sunset was so cautious about traveling at night to begin with.
Something I hadn't thought of before and find kind of interesting is the contrast between the dangers of night and day, and how they sort of seem to be anathema to each other. The nightmares can only come out at night and are burned by the sun, but its not like the sun is really a sanctuary either, as its overcharged power makes life rough at best during the daylight hours. This suggests that whatever is powering the sun that way isn't the same thing that's causing the nightmares, but then again maybe I'm reading too much into that. Still, it makes the world that much harsher on everyone trying to survive it, as there really isn't any sanctuary to be had in either day or night.
Looking forward to seeing what the party's time in Magicland brings.
Is fluttershy a vampire or something like that? She was staring at apple blooms's bloodied arm and was able to fit through a small hole so is she?
The overall feel is very familiar and pleasing to me. I immediately felt the same vibe as I did watching "Night of the Comet" for the first time in my youth. It, like your words, was able to make me FEEL like I was in a very dangerous, isolated environment.
Bravo :)
8791069
Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I really did my best to try and capture the feeling of fear, loneliness and uncertainty
I hope you enjoy the rest.
*insert 'It's alive comment' here"*
But to be serious now. I thought first that Principal Celestia or Vice-Principal Luna would be mayor. Wonder what this quest might be.
And I can't fault Trixie for her behaviour. Yes, denying the Apples just because some of them don't have magic seems cruel and heartless at the first moment... But seriously, like 8/10 non magic users want them all gone. So they all have to look out for themselves.
Hatred and fear are sadly two of mankind's most prominent emotions if the **** hits the fan. They are the driving motivators for most conflicts.