• Member Since 26th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen May 28th, 2022


Just a man trying to make the Ultimate Who story along with his pals. Feel free to PM me if you wanna say hi.


Sunset Shimmer leaves a normal life, sure she is magical girl that defeats the forces of evil from time to time, but she has feelings, goals ambitions, good ambitions mind you. However something been bothering Sunset for quite some time, something that she has noticed about everyone around her be it her friends, or even the students she doesn't know. She doesn't have a archetype, or does she.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 18 )

This was odly fun :pinkiehappy:

Some mistakes in the description. Leaves should be lives and the first something ought to be something's.

If she is attacking Canada for the reason i think. Poland is next

Needs a lot of editing. Need a volunteer?

and is it bad I can so see scitwi have a army of robot dogs in her basement

they’ve had it too good for to long or anything like that

8166384 I"ll be honest.....Yes that's a reference to that joke.

“Um, Sunset y’all ok.


She is that is her archetype.

That is

“What does that supposed to mean!”


Add a ? after !

“Well, Pinkie...If i am the bad girl i mean I don’t feel like one...I mean I guess i have the leather jacket and lean on the wall all cool, but honestly...I don’t feel, maybe when i was a bad person...”

Go through and cap your I's. You have 4 that need capped.

a mean is well, manipulative, hurtful,

mean girl is well ...

“It’s not like i’m a crazy scientist who creates monster in my basement.”

“Uh Twilight…” Spike popped his head. “What about the army of robot dog you wanted too…

“Ha! Ha! Twilight...very funny...so cute!”


too- "


“I was going to put your brain them so hush!”

in them

It was then that Pinkie had a appfinity “AWWW! I know what it is! Sunset you’re a straight man!”


“What does my appeal of the opposite gender have to do with…


the straight
(move that line of dialog down a line.)

Who's speaking in that sentence? (the underlined one), you need to label those when it's more than two people talking.


(When doing an interruption use an em-dash (this dealie -) and end with a " mark. You only skip ending " marks when the speaker is still talking in the next paragraph.)

“You are the small strain of insanity in a Wonderland that is high school and magical girl adventures.


needs end " marks.

“Well, I’m off to clean the pens, feed the chickens and wrestle a cow?”

turn the ? to a period. She's making a statement not a question.

“Hey Sunset, there's a giant three headed dog attacking outside.

Needs end " marks. And you need to say who's speaking.

You this story would be epic for a one shot. If not for the tons of errors riddling the fic. You should definitely find a good editor and have them go through this story with a fine tooth comb.

I've always thought of Sunset as a failed Mary Sue. She is supposed to be a genius who is obviously better at observing and manipulating the world around her to suit her needs, but because there has to be some conflict she is rarely allowed to shine until the very end of any given plot.


Which makes her better or worse than a real Sue?

Worse, I would prefer a lack of tension to tension caused by ignoring existing character traits.

Just want to let you know, it should be an archetype. A is before pretty much everything except for vowels, then it should be an.

Otherwise, interesting story. Good job.

“What does my appeal of the opposite gender have to do with…

You seriously couldn't have her protest that she is nether a man nor straight? :facehoof:

“Oh...Joke….right Ha...Ha!...Funny!” Slowly Twilight got up and slowly backed away and ran off the last thing Sunset heard was. “Quick Spike we need to activate the main core before the Canadians rally their forces!”

Jesus Christ that is hilarious

“It means if you weren’t a nice person Rarity you’d be Cruella De Ville at sixteen.” Pinkie added not even batting an eye. “Rainbow is the jock tomboy, and Fluttershy is the shy one that Anime boys will love. Well most of them.”

She is not wrong about that

“Yeah, and not to mention people making fun of me for being a nerd.” Twilight replied. “It’s not like i’m a crazy scientist who creates monster in my basement.”

Why not?

“So...What you are saying is? My archetype is being the straight man or girl to all of you and your ...youness.”

I always figured she was like the Fons

Not crazy enough. :pinkiecrazy:

Waiting honestly for the moment when Twilight conquers Canada

She doesn't have a archetype, ...


We the readers -........okay then- and then we all walk away.

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