• Member Since 19th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Tuesday


Makes ponies cry


Lyra knows the truth. Lyra knows that a shadowy conspiracy dating back to the very dawn of Equestria is responsible for manipulating every major event for the past two thousand years. And Lyra does not care how many museums she has to destroy or how many transdimensional rifts she has to open in her quest to inform the public.

Now with cover image by Madmax! http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/3595/theyaretheworst.png
Spanish translation: https://www.deviantart.com/spaniard-kiwi/art/No-servir-a-estos-ponis-999961442

Audiobook: https://youtu.be/W8W0xxVHtmI

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 346 )

Why do I feel like this would be exactly the sort of thing Lyra would do? :facehoof:

I have a terrible feeling about this one. *Tracked*

There's no heron in the moon! It's a shrew, a five-legged shrew, with a voice like whispering thunder!


>I started a fire

Of all the days...

Dammit! Stop writing better than I do. It's very rude.

Ah, here it is! This is Variation 37, where everypony has an IQ over 200. Unfortunately, it also happens to be the starting point for extinction realities; every Variation beyond this is either in crisis or post-extinction.:moustache:

Lyra and her madness! This is so awesome. Poor bonbon though xD:heart::yay:

This is going to be a catastrophe. Anyone else want popcorn?

Your work never ceases to amaze me. I'm used to you bringing me tears, not laughter. Love this so far. It has some "Doctor Who" aura to it that's totally hilarious. Bon Bon gets all my pity and laughs though.

Btw in chapter one, think there's a missing '?' the couple times Bon Bon asks "What did you do?"

Can't wait to see where this goes.

It's the end of Equestria as we know it... And I feel fine.

"The accursed window-opener was springing closed and shut"

Should probably be opened.

Other than that, I see nothing wrong with this, it's awesome.

A masterpiece of cringeworthy hilarity!

First real Pony fic to make me laugh out loud multiple times throughout the chapter. The house is on fire bit was awesome! Really excellent work and highly funny. Hope the level of quality within the first chapter keeps up!

Ponyville was like: WTF did I just see?
And Twilight was like: :twilightangry2:I MUST RAGE!!!:twilightangry2:
And Bon-Bon was like: I'm too old for this shit.

Very nice. Telescopes for stealing magic is clever. It's a little implausible that the lewd photographs would still be there. Knowing that it's possible to steal somepony's magic has implications that we probably shouldn't think about because they might break the poniverse. "incredibly smart and unutterably lazy" is nice. The meteor show conversation doesn't make much sense, because flying around in the air doesn't make a meteor shower any more dangerous than if you were standing still on the ground. The line “Woo! Rainbow Dash!” would have been hilarious if spoken by a clueless comic-relief pony, but when said by Cloud Kicker, it's grim and dark and knocked me out of the story.

At some point it would be nice to see why Bon-Bon puts up with Lyra.

Well this story is just the best thing ever.

This was exquisite. Crazy, pyromantically incompetent Lyra is among the best Lyras. I'm definitely looking forward to more. And Rainbow Dash being forced to wear the Cone of Shame™.

This fic is utterly fantastic. The humor is awesome, the writing is solid. Simply superb all the way around. Added to my favorites and email alert list and definitely checking out your author profile.

Mother of God, a new Thanqol story.


At some point it would be nice to see why Bon-Bon puts up with Lyra.

Answer 1: Because Bon-Bon can't help but love her snuggy-wuggy schmoopy-punkin. (Also, dat flank.)

Answer 2: Lyra is heir to the Harpsichord family fortune, and Bon-Bon is her undercover bodyguard.

Answer 3: Lyra has the negatives.

Take your pick!

This is awesome it's hilarious and it makes a lot of sense:pinkiehappy: i'm gonna add this to faves can't wait for the next chapter.

"I just forgot I left my house on fire."

Pure. Brilliance. The rest of the fic is pure brilliance as well, but this particular bit of pure brilliance caught my attention.

I just really hope you keep up the pretense of the humans being space-faring if you are actually plan on Lyra's version of history being true. Otherwise if the humans turn out to be the humans of today's level of technology it would be rather boring. Fantastic start to a story though!

I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this story is one of the single most hilarious pieces of literature I have ever read, on this site or otherwise. (Douglas Adams included.)

All of my neighbors are now looking at me strangely because I have been laughing so loudly for so long.

And if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my clothes, and maybe my keyboard as well. It seems that I have gotten the lulz everywhere, and it is quite messy.

~Signed, InfiniteBrony

Love it! Must see more... But poor Twily!!! :twilightoops:

I lost it at "All the colors are oppression." God damn.

This is funny shit man. But then I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, given that it comes from the writer of "You take the hundred miles on the left, I'll take the hundred miles on the right!".

the infamous tar pits of Reichenbach Falls

If I were you, after meticulously making sure to mention this landmark in every one of my stories... one day, I would write a Fetlock Holmes story.

And in it, nothing would happen there. At all. There would be no mention of tar, pits, or any falls, especially not the Reichenbach.


856284 I dunno, Two's Company, Three's A Crowd sorta rivals it! I mean, it does have the line "See? Not only was she born with a stick up her rump, sometimes, she takes it out and hits me with it!"

Twilight stared at the ruin in horror.

And then, almost as an afterthought, everything caught fire. All at once. Like somepony had thrown a switch and now her house was on fire.


Words cannot describe the hilarity and awsomeness of this!:heart::eeyup:


One of these is eerily close to the truth, and it's not the one you think.


:rainbowhuh: Well damn, there goes my evening. But a) you fucked it up- I can see the falls right there in a chapter title! And b) why is this not on FiMFiction? Now I'm going to have to Google your ass or something, just to make sure I haven't missed anything else.

(I swear when I'm excited. Shit balls damn, this is a lot of new and interesting fic. Sorry. Kind of.)


I'm sorry, past year me wasn't planning on having to win this argument!

I should really have FIM'd this by now. I'll get to the transferrin' today.

Huh. So Twilight Sparkle is... Mycroft? Interesting.

... God damn. Now I'm going to have to design "I believe in Rarity the Unicorn" posters.

:rainbowlaugh:Excellent, just excellent. It's like you took the original MLP: FIM universe and turned the zaniness level up to 11. Everypony is insane in some way and there are even more random eldritch horrors and random comedy sequences. Keep up the good work.

Aw man. On one hand, one of my wild guesses turned out to accidentally be correct! But on another, now I'm gonna stay up all night wondering which one.

yo dawg i heard you like rainbow dashes skeleton... i got nothing :facehoof:

860146 Based on a true story.

I'd like this story, but I left all my green thumbs in my favorite house that's on fire.

Seriously, though, I like the smooth and fast paced humor :rainbowlaugh:.

Non-English nitpick: Assuming the meaning you're going for is "terrible/frightful power," you should say "potentia terribilis"; "terribalis" isn't a word.

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