Chapter 4: The Alien
Chapter Four: The Alien
By Thanqol
Lyra and Bon Bon walked along the path of devastation. Dirt kicked up by the passage of the space ship hung heavily in the air, making them cough and choke. Small fires burned to either side of them. Trees in the path of the crash had been obliterated, not even leaving stumps. Smoke poured from the tar fires. The Weather Ponies were going to have to schedule an emergency downpour to stop this from getting out of hoof.
Bon Bon had no idea how Lyra had gotten out of punishment for this. There was no way community service was enough. If anypony else had destroyed as much as she had tonight they’d be banished, or imprisoned, or turned to stone. Or something! Something more than a slap on the hoof and being told to clean up after yourself!
Maybe she had an excuse? She remembered looking up exemptions in her paranoia-fuelled investigation of the Equestrian legal system. You were immune to prosecution if you were a royal, a diplomat, a senior member of the government, or a member of an intelligence agency. She looked across at the happily trotting green unicorn. Lyra, a spy?
No. She was pretty sure that spies were meant to be subtle.
As they neared the tar pits, Lyra had to conjure a bubble of air to stop them choking to death on the fumes. Together they stood on the shores of the Reichenbach and stared at the huge, burning silhouette of the spaceship through the smoke. Every so often there was a plume of fire as a bubble of swamp gas breached the surface.
They just stood and watched it for a while.
And then, the tar near the shore began to bubble and froth. Step by step something began to emerge from the depths. Lyra stared in fascination, and Bon Bon retreated in horror. This was it. Lyra was right. This was the human.
It did not look like it did in the pictures.
The creature was coated head to toe in Reichenbach tar, obscuring any features beyond its outline. It had the general shape of a pony, though head and shoulders taller and with six thin legs. The middle set of legs were misshapen and stiff. The very bottom of its four good legs were metallic and gleaming, so smooth that not even the tar would stick to them. The long neck lead up to a strange muzzle, surrounded by writhing tentacles, below a large, balloon-shaped bulge. In the centre of this strange, spherical head was a single, crazed red eye. Here and there, around the creature’s neck and body, strange lights shined through the tar.
Lyra did not look remotely happy with this discovery. She turned to face Bon Bon and asked in a low, “What is it?”
“It’s a human?” Bon Bon said. She had no idea why Lyra was asking her.
“It’s not standing on two legs. It’s got metal legs instead of hands. And it’s only got one eye,” Lyra said. She glanced across at the alien again, which was blankly taking in its surroundings. “I don’t know what it is, but it’s not a human.”
“This is your speciality, Lyra,” Bon Bon said. “If you don’t know, I definitely don’t.”
Lyra paused for thought. “Maybe it’s a robot, made by humans? That would explain the lights...”
The alien finally seemed to notice them, and made its slow, clumsy way towards them. Its bulk heaved and stumbled over the rough stones, metal hooves clanking against the rock. It reached the two little ponies and gazed down at them with its single red eye.
“Robot!” said Lyra. She faced up to the monster without hesitation or fear. “I command you to tell me your robot name and robot purpose!”
+Young filly!+ thought the alien in words they could hear on the inside of their skulls. Its ‘voice’ was crisp, polite and remarkably cheerful. Bon Bon was reminded of the Flim Flam Brothers for some reason. +Do I look like a robot to you?+
“Well, er –“ Lyra faltered. Bon Bon wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting but was pretty sure that this hadn’t been it. “You’ve got flashing lights and metal hooves –“
+All a perfectly normal part of being a magical pony, my good filly. We’re all magical ponies here!+ the alien said happily.
“You just crawled from the burning wreckage of a spaceship!” Bon Bon said. She also resented the implication that she was a ‘magical’ pony.
+I actually live in the tar. Yep, whole life lived under the tar. I’m a tar pony, I guess you could say? Shoo be doo?+ thought the alien. It was starting to move around a lot more, and with more style and precision. +So, you fine, lovely fillies wouldn’t happen to be from around these parts, would you?+
“Yeah, we’re from Ponyville,” Bon Bon said without thinking.
+Ponyville! Are you saying that there is an entire town full of delicious ponies?+ thought the alien. +How swell is that!? You’ve even got a town nearby! We’ve been neighbours all this time and didn’t even know it!+
“Delicious?” Bon Bon asked. Lyra had more pressing questions.
“You really expect us to believe you’re a ‘tar pony’ and not a human?” Lyra looked like she was about to grab the alien by its sticky exterior, but thought better of it. “Or a human robot? Don’t lie to me, robot!”
+Honest, never met a human,+ thought the alien, +and if I’m not a pony then how am I speaking your language then, eh?+
“You’re not speaking at all!” Bon Bon said. Lyra, as usual, had other things on her mind.
“Because we don’t speak ‘Equestrian’. We speak Human because that’s what’s convenient for our secret masters!” said Lyra.
+Ladies! Ladies, please, we’re getting off on the wrong hoof!+ thought the alien. +Names! Introductions! Diplomatic relations! My name is Trustworthy McLegitimate. Nice to meet you!+
“Lyra Heartstrings,” said Lyra.
“’Trustworthy McLegitimate’?” Bon Bon repeated in disbelief.
+Well golly gosh! I thought I was the only one with that as a name, but I guess it isn’t that uncommon after all!+ thought Trustworthy, taking Bon Bon’s hoof with his metal one and shaking it. +Us McLegitimates have to stick together!+
“My name’s not –“ Bon Bon tried to extract herself, but Trustworthy wasn’t having any of it.
+Think about how this occurred! Thousands of years ago, half the McLegitimate family decided to live underneath the tar and half decided to stay above. We thought you were mad, and you were, but all that bad blood and tar is finally washed away in this beautiful reunion!+ Trustworthy seemed quite breathless at the wonder of the moment.
“Stop stalling and tell us the truth, robot!” Lyra demanded indignantly.
+Okay. Tell you what,+ thought Trustworthy, +I’ve had a long trip here and it’s late and I’ve been singing all day. So why don’t you take me to your town and once I’ve settled in a bit and had a bite to eat I’ll tell you everything I know. Sound fair?+
“How can we trust you?” Lyra demanded. Bon Bon facehoofed.
+Aw, you know us McLegitimates,+ thought the alien, +you can always count on us.+
*
“Lyra,” Bon Bon said.
“Mm?” Lyra said. She didn’t look around from glaring at the back of Trustworthy McLegitimate. Trustworthy was whistling merrily as they walked.
“Do you... get the feeling that this is a bad idea?” Bon Bon said.
“I’ve come this far. I’m not turning back now that I’m this close,” said Lyra.
“Are you sure? This guy doesn’t seem exactly...” Bon Bon didn’t want to say it. “Trustworthy.”
+My ears are burning,+ Trustworthy thought, turning around.
“You have ears?” Bon Bon asked. Amidst all the tentacles on its head she couldn’t tell.
+Probably! So many new things today, haven’t had time to catalogue them all!+
As they crested the hill that overlooked Ponyville, the first light of dawn broke over the horizon. It illuminated the shapes of the enormous stormclouds that were being manoeuvred over the Everfree like great ironclad battleships of the sky. It caught the shapes of the hills and mountains. The gold was tinted red by all the smoke in the air, but it spread across the landscape smoothly and gracefully.
But then it stopped. Like it ran into a wall. The light of day just couldn’t penetrate that solid barrier of moonlight and shadow.
The moon was still in the sky. It wasn’t moving. It wasn’t lowering. It wasn’t making way for the day.
+Is it meant to do that?+ Trustworthy asked as Lyra and Bon Bon stared at the sky in horror.
*
“Nopony panic! For Celestia’s sake, nopony panic!” shouted the mayor at the hall full of panicking ponies.
“Nightmare Moon is back!” cried one.
“She’s going to win this time for real!” screamed another.
“We’re never going to see the sun again!” wailed Rarity, who really should have known better.
“Ponies! Please!” the mayor banged on the podium until some measure of order established itself. “We have a lot of work to do! First, let us have a moment of silence to mourn the loss of Rainbow Miriam Dash who tragically exploded in last night’s meteor shower.”
A few ponies fainted at this news. A few more were confused because they’d seen Rainbow Dash working on the thunderstorm earlier this morning. The mayor saw that the moment’s silence thing wasn’t working out so moved to seize the initiative while it was still available.
“What’s more, there is no doubt that Nightmare Moon has returned! With Rainbow Dash dead, we need a new Element of Loyalty to replace her!”
+Oh! Oh! Pick me!+ thought Trustworthy from the back of the hall. Everypony looked around, confused by the strange thought that had drifted into their head. Some of them assumed it was one of their own thoughts and put their hooves up. In the back, Lyra and Bon Bon worked together to pull Trustworthy’s hoof back down.
Trustworthy McLegitimate didn’t exactly blend into a crowd. Not only was he massive, tentacled, and covered in tar but he’d been squeezed into a shady looking trenchcoat that didn’t do nearly enough to cover his unnatural appearance. Other ponies were giving him a wide berth.
“I’m going to turn the decision for who will be the next Rainbow Dash over to Ponyville’s finest farmhand, Applejack. Truly, nopony knew Rainbow Dash better,” the mayor, rather tastelessly, winked at the audience.
Applejack gave the mayor an unappreciative glare as she came up onto the stage. “I don’t know what ya’ll have heard, but Rainbow Dash ain’t dead. She’s working on that thunderstorm right now.”
“Oh Applejack!” said Roseluck in the audience. “We know how hard this must be for you!”
“No, I mean it. If you’d just angle your heads slightly to the right you’d be able to see her out the window,” Applejack went on stubbornly.
“We all knew how close the two of you were,” Berry Punch sobbed.
Applejack stared out at the crowd and sighed to herself. “Yeah, I got better things to do,” she said. She then turned and walked away.
“We should just... let her be alone with her grief right now,” said the mayor, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “I suppose if Applejack can’t bring herself to decide... eenie, meenie, you are the new Rainbow Dash,” she said, jabbing her hoof randomly at the crowd.
“YEAH!” roared Horse Power. Nopony objected to the decision.
“Now, Nightmare Moon has already burned down Twilight Sparkle’s house in a fit of evil revenge, so she might be dead too,” the mayor went on. “In that case we’ll need a new Element of Magic...”
“Why did we come to this meeting, again?” Bon Bon asked Lyra.
“To find out what was going on,” said Lyra.
“I think of all your plans this one was probably the least grounded in reality,” Bon Bon said.
+I think this meeting is delicious and informative. There’s over fifty, sixty ponies here!+ Trustworthy McLegitimate chipped in.
“I’m surprised that this many showed up given how useless these things are,” Bon Bon grumbled.
+Wow! So you’re saying there are even more ponies who aren’t here? You surface ponies are prolific!+ thought Trustworthy enthusiastically. +This is gonna be the best eternal night ever!+
“Lyra, can we go?” Bon Bon said. “Nothing’s happening here and McLegitimate is creeping me out.”
“Wait,” Lyra said, bouncing up and down to get a better view. “These meetings always go the same way. The mayor wastes time, bad decisions are made, and then just when you’re getting bored –“
The doors to the hall slammed open.
Royal guards poured into the hall, jostling the crowd aside and forming an corridor down the centre of the hall.
A red carpet rolled down the centre to the stage.
A booming voice announced loudly and clearly, “KNEEL BEFORE YOUR PRINCE, LOWLY COMMONERS!”
Shining Armour, Captain of the Royal Guard, came into the hall, closely escorting Prince Blueblood. Blueblood was wearing elaborate golden battle armour. His march was slow and stately, eyes closed, head high, not looking at any of the bowing peasants.
The Prince casually shunted the mayor out of the way. He stood atop the stage, taking a moment to let everyone just bask in the amazing that was him. And then, slowly and deliberately he announced, “By order of Princess Celestia, all of Equestria is now under martial law!”
“ – everything goes to Tartarus in a handbasket,” Lyra finished.
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So short ;_;
875256 I'm doing my best to fix that D:
875270
I know! But I mean this chapter specifically, because I was like "yay update, who needs sleep anyway", and then it was nowhere near enough words
Well, there goes the neighborhood
Wow the conversation between Trustworthy McLegitimate, Lyra and Bonbon was the most hilarious thing I've read in a good while, it actually had me in tears.
o/~ Call upon the Tar Ponies when you're in distress!
I love this story, the chaos reminds me of my childhood. Normality was something that was never around at all, at any given point. Ah, good times.
I don't even, what is this!? It's just BAH never mind I don't want to know.
Trustworthy McLegitimate is best pony.
It's 3:30 am, I'm so very tired, but I had to read this and I regret NOTHING! This has been the funniest chapter to date! I about lost it at the "shoo be doo" part! 
This story is one of the funniest I've read to date, I actually find myself laughing out loud several times while reading this. Keep up the great work!
lol pony stake anyone
lolol
For some reason, every time I read Trustworthy's lines, I hear Yes Man's voice.
This was the best chapter yet! I can't wait to see where all the plot twists go.
875674 I'm saving for that moment.
Oh, and I drew a quick outline of what I imagine Trustworthy McLegitimate to look like. It's not great, but maybe it'll help ya'll out.
875633
I kinda thought she was doing that the second time she asked, but not the first time. I have right to question my favorite author though. Thanqol is perfection personified (ponified?)
875907
Not quite sure what RFID means, but you should totally question Thanqol. Thanqol actually thrives off questions, needs 'em to survive quite honestly. You have to believe me on that, I'm part of the (land-based) McLegitimate line. Just try to think of as many questions as physically possible and then ask a few more.
876200
That was supposed to be 'right' (darn phone autocorrect). And I only say so because I am a lesser bring than this master lol
875270 ... I think I just got horny. Dunno why. *Goes to scratch head, is suddenly a unicorn*
... Well, I guess that explains it. *Shrugs and looks for something else to read while his cousin pinches himself in the background*
Oh wow I should have known better than to think Lyra might actually be right. Trustworthy McLegitimate is way better than some human. God, I don't think I've ever hurt this much from laughing before. From the moment I read "Don't worry. I have plenty of houses!" I knew you had a masterful understanding of humor and it has just not stopped.
So, random comments on this chapter: Trustworthy is too adorable for an eldritch alien horror; The treatment of Rainbow's death was hilarious; yes Horse Power is best name; Sweet Blueblood is here this can only help, I can't wait to see what level he's taken to.
Ooh, I can't wait to see how this new hilarious catastrophe plays out. In the meantime, please, accept this cookie.
THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT!
McLegitimates description reminded oddly of the alien from what little I've read of War of the Worlds. Did you mean to do that.
880106 I had War of the Worlds open in front of me as I wrote his description!
did you just write tikisnakes into a fanfic?
I'll admit, everyone in fanfic (or at least this chapter) is OOC in some way, but it's hilarious OOC. (That goes double for Shining Armor here)
So this is... different.
Interesting thought: The Royal Guard is the only organization we've seen in the show that might be either an army or a police force, aside from the hospital security ponies who were pretty obviously a private organization.
Martial law means that the army takes on law enforcement duties.
So does that term even mean anything in Equestria?
880285 Sweet! Now that I think of it, a lot of this story reminds me of War of the Worlds
: the expert and the skeptic. Also, you made that crash scene quite similar with the tar and fire.
Great new image by the way.
I have no idea what's going on. Half of Ponyville got the Idiot Ball, random sea– erm, tar ponies out of nowhere, my favorite villain duo got a creepy ally, and we got a new Rainbow Dash. Pardon: Rainbow Miriam Dash.
Proceed.
I freely admit I completely lost it at "Trustworthy McLegitimate". Laughed for at least three minutes straight.
Trustworthy McLegitimate
Seems legit.
Wot?
'“We’re never going to see the sun again!” wailed Rarity, who really should have known better.'
Totally lost it, right here.
I've got a bad feeling about this
Trustworthy McLegitimate, eh? He'll have to get that printed up on his totally real Hawaii driver's license. :)
Also, “I think of all your plans this one was probably the least grounded in reality,”.... best line ever.
875730 this outline? This is true terror.
875730 Is that ome of those mind control things from futurama on its head?
And... my head exploded. And to complete the gag, it exploded twice.
875730
Link it in the story. =3
The Martial Law thing probably has something to do with the fact that Lyra has built a magical Anti-Satellite (ASAT) laser. The presence of the Thing From Beyond Sanity that she thinks is a human probably has something to do with it too.
875730 All I can imagine is Mr. Handy's voice from Fallout 3.
It's hilarious.
875730
Somehow I missed that the first time I read the story. This second read through is really working out, that's an excellent picture.
I can't help but think that Trustworthy sounds like Bill Cipher.
> No. She was pretty sure that spies were meant to be subtle.
You'd know all about it, wouldn't you?
Trustworthy McLegitimate...
Don’t trust him, at all.
Yup, captured AJ in one.
9032673
was James Bond ever subtle? Mr kiss-kiss-bang-bang? (i forget where I heard that nickname)