//------------------------------//
// Chapter 6: The Conspiracy 
// Story: Do Not Serve These Ponies 
// by Thanqol 
//------------------------------//

 
Chapter Six: The Conspiracy
 
By Thanqol
 
 
Shining Armour, Captain of the Royal Guard, was surrounded by more maps than a deranged cartographer. All of Equestria was illustrated in minute detail, covering the entire interior of Ponyville City Hall. Miniature statuettes of guardsponies were arrayed all over the floor.  Cleared sectors were marked in red. Unexplored and dangerous locations were marked with large blue crosses. Every few minutes there was a burst of green fire and a scroll, which was snatched up by one of the ponies all around him. The note was read, processed, and pieces on the map were moved accordingly.
 
They could have, should have been doing this from Canterlot but orders were to try and keep the capital out of it for as long as possible. So they’d moved the command hub to Ponyville. Ponies ran in and out of the doors, soaking wet from the rainstorm outside.
 
“Captain Armour! Negatives from sector forty eight and forty nine!” came one shout.
 
“That’s all we can do on our own, co-opt the Fillydelphia Weather Team into the search,” he snapped back. The colt saluted and moved some pieces on the map.
 
“Captain Armour! We’ve secured the impact site at Reichenbach, we’re going over it now!”
 
“Excellent, keep me posted,” he said. The filly nodded and galloped away.
 
+Captain Armour!+ came a strange thought. Two guardsponies – one wearing a fez and the other wearing a fedora – came in through the door. Their eyes were blank and their jaws were slack. +We have those hats for the search parties!+
 
“What hats? I didn’t ask for any hats,” Shining Armour said.
 
+Direct orders from the Prince. Says everypony has to be wearing a hat,+ thought the guard.
 
“Urgh...” Shining Armour rubbed his eyes with the back of his hooves. “I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this is probably the least disruptive thing he could be doing right now. All right, hand out the hats, let’s pretend that our commanding officer knows what he’s doing.”
 
*
 
“HELP! SOMEPONY HELP ME!” screamed Prince Blueblood. Lyra kicked the iron oven, sending an echoing reverb through his body.
 
“Quiet you! I’ve finally got you where I want you,” Lyra said.
 
“You want me in a stove? You’re crazy! HELP!”
 
“Not until you confess!” Lyra shouted.
 
“Confess what?” shouted Blueblood back. “What do you want? Why are you doing this!?”
 
Bon Bon awkwardly raised a hoof. “I actually think that’s a fair question,” she said. Lyra looked at her as if she’d been betrayed, and then sighed.
 
“I’m talking about the conspiracy, you blackguard,” she said to the oven. “That’s right! I know all about your diabolical scheme!”
 
“What scheme?” shouted Blueblood.
 
“The humans!” Lyra shouted back. “Two years ago, remember? Your little conversation? I overheard it! I know everything!”
 
“START FROM THE BEGINNING!” Bon Bon shouted, so loudly that both of them went quiet. Lyra actually looked abashed.
 
“Sorry, Bon Bon,” she said.
 
“You say sorry to her!?” said Blueblood, imprisoned in a stove.
 
“Two years ago,” Lyra went on, ignoring him, “I was a carefree heiress in Canterlot, studying at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. My father is Archduke Chello d’Heartstrings, and he’d arranged me a marriage with a handsome prince. I was the luckiest filly in the world, or so I thought. And then I met him.” She glared at the stove.
 
“To my eternal regret,” Blueblood sighed.
 
“He was a ponce, a fop, a cad, and a churl,” Lyra said. “An insufferable, self-absorbed boor without a nice thing to say about anypony.”
 
“And she somehow knew both nothing and far too much!” Blueblood snapped. “Rambling endlessly about the origins of the universe and obscure magical theory, it was intolerable! Almost enough to turn a colt off fillies all together!”
 
“And moreover, he wouldn’t help me in the slightest when it came to accessing restricted archives and libraries,” Lyra said. “And the Royals have a lot of restricted archives. They have secret files on everything going back to the dawn of Equestria – imagine what we could learn if those weren’t kept secret!”
 
“You’re just addicted to black magic!” Blueblood said.
 
“And then I found out that Blueblood works for the Equestrian Intelligence Service. I started doing some research into his work, what he did with all his time,” Lyra went on doggedly. “He has a secret network of spies and informants spreading all across Equestria. They monitor everything. Dimensional breaches. The moment magical relics and knowledge surface.  Monster attacks. If anything happens then they step in, confiscate the source and add it to their enormous vaults and cover it all up so nopony looks into what happened!”
 
“Well, obviously,” Prince Blueblood sneered from inside the stove. “If somepony discovers the secrets of black magic and causes an interdimensional Incident then we have to make sure that nopony looks into what they were researching. It’s for everypony’s protection.”
 
“And during the course of my investigation, I finally had a breakthrough. I followed him through the Canterlot gardens one night where he was meeting with one of his informers. And that’s when he talked about them. The humans.” Lyra said.
 
“Oh. That.” Blueblood said.
 
“Ponyville was to be the first place to be colonised, wasn’t it? That’s why you were building those strange park benches, isn’t it?” Lyra said, jabbing her hoof at the stove. “No pony can sit on those. I’ve tried,” Lyra rubbed her back. “I heard you talk about your colonisation timetable! I heard you talk about the human fleet disguised as a meteor storm. About the secret cameras all over Ponyville! Don’t even try to deny it! I heard everything!”
 
“You were supposed to!” shouted Prince Blueblood.
 
*
 
Elsewhere, Berry Punch was opening her door to face two zombie-eyed guards wearing white ten gallon hats.
 
“Can I help you?” Berry said nervously.
 
+Hat inspectors,+ thought the first guard.
 
+There is an eight hundred bit fine for not wearing a hat,+ thought the second guard.
 
“Eight hu – huhhh –“ The number reached an unreachable blur in Berry Punch’s mind.
 
+Don’t worry. We are prepared to issue every citizen of Ponyville with a single hat, free of charge,+ thought the guard, offering Berry Punch a baseball cap.
 
*
 
“What do you mean, ‘I was supposed to’?” Lyra said.
 
“You really thought I, as head of the Equestrian Intelligence Service, didn’t notice my blundering wife-to-be poking around my secrets? Please,” Blueblood’s haughty sniff echoed through the stove. “I was onto you from the beginning. So I decided to play a little prank on you. I made up some cockatrice-and-bull story about Canterlot being secretly run by bald minotaurs and had the conversation where I knew you’d overhear it. The hope was you’d waste your time researching a conspiracy that didn’t exist and stop bothering me.”
 
“Y-you’re lying!” Lyra said.
 
“Those park benches? I had them made specifically to get you out of Canterlot,” Blueblood said. “Worked better than I hoped, actually. I actually didn’t even think you’d still be looking into it two years later,” with a little more anger he added, “And I definitely didn’t think you’d be crazy enough to stuff me in a stove over it!”
 
“But – the origins of the universe! I’ve done the math; it all works out! Discord, the reduction of the Everfree, the extinction events of major monsters, the acculturation and terraforming of the landscape –“
 
“I don’t care two ponyfeathers for any of that nonsense!” Blueblood said. “I just wanted you gone!”
 
“The math pans out!” Lyra said.
 
“The math could say that the world was made out of peanut butter for all I care! And care, I do not! No, this has gone too far already. You will let me out of here immediately!”
 
*
 
“Ooh, love the hat,” said Rarity, following the crowd of zombified hat-wearing ponies. Never one to be left out she’d designed an elaborate masterpiece of her own, styled with feathers and glass. “Very chic.”
 
“Braaaaaaaaiiins,” gurgled the pony.
 
“Why yes, I suppose it does take brains to co-ordinate that stylishly,” Rarity agreed. “So many ponies in this town are happy walking around naked. It’s good to see a positive trend taking place. Ohh, maybe I’m rubbing off on them...”
 
Shining Armour, still unhatted, came up onto the podium in front of the crowd. He looked out over the blank stares and slack-jawed drool uneasily. “What’s up with the town?” he muttered to his lieutenant.
 
+It’s International Hat Appreciation Day,+ thought the lieutenant. The Lieutenant was wearing a large tricorn and holding an umbrella over Shining Armour’s head.
 
“I mean, like... the creepy stares. Are they sick?”
 
+Oh yes,+ nodded the lieutenant. +They have the Sick Plague. Very serious. Incurable.+
 
“The entire town?” Shining Armour said. “Incurable? What?”
 
+Don’t worry about it. It’s not contagious,+ thought the lieutenant.
 
“It looks pretty contagious!”
 
+No. It’s, um. Genetic,+
 
“Genetic? All these ponies at the same time?”
 
+Oh, well, you know how these small towns are, sir,+ thought the lieutenant. Shining Armour decided to give up. One problem at a time.
 
“Citizens of Ponyville!” he said, eschewing the use of the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Thank you all for coming! I need your help with an urgent matter!”
 
The crowd shuffled, moaned, and one or two let out a vague “Braaains”. Shining Armour regretted his decision to ask the civilians for help.
 
“Magical residue testing has confirmed that the pony who brought down the meteor last night was none other than...” his voice choked a little, “my sister, Twilight Sparkle. Now, I’m sure there’s a good explanation for this, but Twilight is nowhere to be found. We need to find Twilight Sparkle and take her in for questioning, and we need your help to find her.”
 
*
 
“Then why are you here, Blueblood!?” Lyra shouted into the oven. “I bring down a human spaceship and less than three hours later Celestia declares martial law? And you ride to town with an army?”
 
“That’s... classified,” Blueblood said sulkily.
 
“Ah! So you admit it!” Lyra said.
 
“We didn’t come because you shot down the damn meteor!” Blueblood said. “You could shoot down every meteor and we wouldn’t care!”
 
“Then why are you here!?” Lyra demanded.
 
“Well, did you suspect for a second that it might have something to do with this here eternal night we find ourselves in the middle of?” Blueblood said. “Princess Luna’s gone missing! There, I said it! And Celestia doesn’t want everypony to automatically assume she’s turned to evil again because that would destroy Luna’s credibility!”
 
“Oh, I suppose that makes sense,” Lyra said, backing off from the stove a bit.
 
“There! The secret is out! Now let me go!”
 
“I... can’t, actually. I kind of fused the bolts in place,” Lyra said.
 
“You did WHAT?”
 
“You deserve it for the human thing!” Lyra retorted. “Somepony will cut you out eventually.”
 
“I can’t believe a second of this. I’m stuck in a greasy stove by my insane harpy of a fiancé during a major military operation and after that useless blue pegasus couldn’t even keep all the mud off my armour. Speaking of, where is Rainbow Dash and why isn’t she HELPING!?”
 
*
 
Rainbow Dash was outside the front door, scratching at the Cone of Shame with her hind leg, like a dog. It wasn’t working.
 
“C’mon, get off...” she muttered. It was too slippery to get a proper grip on and her throat was so itchy it was killing her.
 
“Rainbow Dash! Are you scratching at the Cone of Shame?”
 
Rainbow Dash jumped up straight and saluted. “No, sir, no I am not!”
 
“Good,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Come with me. I need your help.”
 
*
 
Shining Armour was walking down the street, followed by forty or so hatted ponies. He was going door to door, looking for any sign of Twilight, but his attention was really on the crowd following him.
 
He quickened his pace. The mob increased its speed to match.
 
On an impulse, he took a quick turn down an alleyway. He got halfway down when another five ponies appeared on the other side, blocking him in. He broke into a run, taking a hard right. More hat ponies appeared to cut him off, so he sparked his horn and conjured a bulldozer-shaped shield to knock them out of the way. He burst out onto a main street to see a herd of hat ponies bearing down on him.
 
“Guards? GUARDS!” Shining Armour shouted, running for the town square. More ponies stumbled into his path, converging on him from all directions. He used his dozer-blade to shove through them, heading for the town hall. “Guards! I am under attack! Respond!” shouted Shining Armour.
 
His guards poured out of the town hall towards him. He let himself smile in relief.
 
The herd of guards crashed into him and pulled him under. He yelled briefly, but was cut off.
 
When the dust cleared, all that was left was a blank-eyed Shining Armour wearing a pinwheel hat, spinning gently in the breeze.
 
*
 
“Auntie Celestia is not going to let you get away with this,” Blueblood said from inside the stove. The stove’s wheel went down a single step, causing a huge bump. “Ow! Watch where you’re going, you clumsy oaf!”
 
“Princess Celestia is probably glad that somepony decided to take you down a peg,” Lyra said to the stove. The two were followed closely by Trustworthy McLegitimate and Bon Bon.
 
“They deserve each other,” grumbled Bon Bon to Trustworthy.
 
+Aw, don’t say that!+  thought Trustworthy.
 
“Why not? It turns out my best friend is a black magic addict, and a soon-to-be-royal, and she didn’t tell me any of it. Why should I trust her?” Bon Bon said.
 
+Well, look at it this way,+ thought Trustworthy. +She’s obviously not proud of any of those things. If it was up to her, she wouldn’t be engaged to this Blueblood chap, and she wouldn’t be a boring sit-around royal in Canterlot. And when she got told this whole human thing she probably wanted to believe it so badly that she overlooked a lot of good logic in the hopes it might be true. So what you saw might not have been what Lyra was, but it was definitely what Lyra wanted to be. She wanted to be a hero so badly that she was prepared to run away from her life to do it. I bet you anything that she’d have given anything for her theories to have been true.+
 
“What are you saying?” Bon Bon asked.
 
+What I’m saying is that there’s a difference between what Lyra is and what Lyra wants to be. What she is now is a pony with a lot of secrets and a lot of bad history. What she wants to be is a pony who goes on adventures with her friends. And that means you. Look how upset she is right now.+
 
“Wow... that’s...” Bon Bon said. Sure enough, she could see the ashamed flush in Lyra’s cheeks, and tears in the corners of her eyes. “That’s really insightful, Trustworthy. Thank you.”
 
+Aw, no problem! What are friends for, right?+ thought Trustworthy McLegitimate. +Anyway, not like it matters because it looks like we’ve got a swarm of zombies coming right this way.+
 
Lyra brought the oven with Blueblood to a dead stop, eliciting cursing from the prisoner. Hundreds of ponies and guards were coming up the hill in an unending tide of hats. A swarm of hats. A plague of hats.
 
+Oh gee, there’s so many of them!+ said Trustworthy happily. +This looks hopeless. Why don’t we give up? Save ourselves the trouble?+