• Member Since 27th Aug, 2013
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Fixation on death aside, this is lovely —Soge, accidentally describing my entire life


Discord takes offense to a restaurant's claim of serving "unlimited" breadsticks.

Idea inspired by the sheer ridiculousness of the Unlimited Breadsticks meme.

Originally written for the "I Regret Nothing" WriteOff.

Now with a reading by AstroBrony! And a reading by ZeusMacD.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 104 )

And here o thought discord was going to keep eating bread sticks until the entire business died. Good take on a common joke in comedy!:)

I really liked this one from the WriteOff. Glad to see it up and getting some attention.

I remember this from the writeoff. I chuckled.
There are worse ways to waste two minutes of one's life. :rainbowlaugh:

Hilarious. Instant fave. Your prose is reminiscent of Pratchett.

One glaring typo: every wrung of the ladder. I believe you mean "rung," good sir/ma'am sir.

They now have sandwiches made of large breadsticks.

Glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy:

Out of the five stories I've submitted for the WriteOff, this is the first I've actually gotten the courage to publish. Hopefully I'll add some more.

Glad I got you to laugh. :moustache:

FanOfMostEverything pointed that out to me during the WriteOff and I can't believe I didn't fix it. :facehoof:

Well it's fixed now. :twilightsheepish:

Isn't the world a wonderful place :trollestia:

“Please! Do something Logistics!” she cried, grabbing more breadsticks and chewing on them as more seemed to multiply before her. “They’re too good! If they don’t stop coming they’ll go straight to my thighs! I have a family, Logistics!”

That's the best part! :twilightblush: I loled so hard

Added to the "What Did I Just Read?" pile.

Exemplary work.

It's rare I agree with Discord - this might be nearly a first actually - but I totally agree with him here. It bugs me enormously when people treat "infinity" as a number (especially when used as a comparative of "[greater] than infinity" which just means they don't even know what the word MEANS).

Olive Gardens breadsticks are gross, anyway. :trollestia:

Good story, nonetheless. It made me chuckle heartily. Have a like, good sir/madam.

A wonderfully concise little story! I love how it manages to be original while also perfectly capturing the tone of the show and giving the sense that Discord has a life aside from occasionally having tea with fluttershy and spoiling things for the main six.

Thought I'd grab it, since it's late at night and you're probably not awake.

Serves'em right! That's what'cha get for usin' absolutes without thinkin', lightly or in vain!

Please note that the sentence above uses the mathematical definition of 'or'. Thank you for your attention.

I read the first sentence...and thought " We have...to save the day!"

6113345 Olive Garden breadsticks taste like heaven has been created inside your mouth

Why... Infinite IS a number... Or better a value. You can use things like infinite -1 to determine the last possible number, or you even could multiply infinities to create cardinalities of infinite.

Err.. but however, most mathematicians who dealt too much with infinite committed suicide....

Author Interviewer

I had no idea this was based on a meme. :O


No, it isn't, it's a concept. In mathmatical equations (or physics) it is sometimes TREATED as a number (i.e. an unlimited number of terms), but it is not a number. You can even have sets of varying "sizes" of infinity[1] but infinity itself is still not a number, nor can you "exceed" infinity, since by definition, infinity is... well, without limit.

(I'm not 100% sure that "infinity -1" is something that is an acceptable use even in mathmatics, though I am but a lowly engineering-trained lay mathmatician and not Steven Hawking (maybe in some really complex equation where infinities cancel out or something) and I can only just about get my head round really complex maths, so I won't say for certain. But I'm pretty sure infinity times infinity is still infinity.)

[1] Actually what this basically means is, as my understanding of wiki goes, if you define a set of numbers to be integers and say there are an infinite number of integers, and then define a set of numbers as being (say) tens and there are an infinite number of tens, that there are more numbers in the first set that the second. It says nothing about the value of infinity itself. It would still take forever (literally, as in, "you would never stop") to count towards[2] infinity whether you count by whole numbers, fractions/decimals, tens, billions or googleplexes (with merely an infinite difference in counting speed). (The examples I read used real numbers and natural numbers to show mathmathical proof, but my point is illustratively the same and hopefully easier to grasp.)

[2] As you can't actually count "to" infinity, since infinity is not a fixed value number.

Unlimited Breadsticks*

But what does the star stand for?! :rainbowderp:
EDIT: OOOOOooooooohhh that's an asterisk.

PS: was good :pinkiehappy: Now I want a breadstick.

Wow. Entry 2 into my WTF?! folder. I enjoyed the read, but...

I am the bread of my breadstick
Dough is my body and yeast is my blood
I have baked over a thousand breadsticks
Unknown to hunger
Nor known to fullness
Have withstood bitchy coworkers to create many breadsticks
Yet these hands will never hold a raise
So as I pray, Unlimited Breadsticks Works

To be fair, those breadstick are awesome.

Ok... It seems you got me :pinkiehappy:

That was my second favorite part, because it reminded me of the Spongebob episode where Squidward discovers Krabby Patty's, but my favorite part was reading this bit in a deadpan voice:

“While I am proud of Equestria’s local demons advertising our restaurant chain,

The breadsticks from Olive Garden are awesome.:pinkiehappy::yay:

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

Don't worry, I had a "What the heck am I writing!?" feeling as I wrote it.

I had completely misunderstood infinity when I went through school. I really thought infinity was just a number that we could reach eventually. But no, it isn't. Infinity is merely a concept and for most purposes using an absurdly large number would do better to get the point across.

That's a very good explanation of infinity. Thank you for that. :moustache:


How could you say such sad things? Well, more for me then.

I woke up this morning and saw the featured list and I was so happy I couldn't get back to sleep afterwards.

Using absolutes can hurt everypony absolutely. :moustache:

I haven't thought about that phone in ages.

Replace the apples in this gif with breadsticks and you have my feelings on the subject:

Memes, they're everywhere :V
This one in particular calls /r/UnlimitedBreadsticks it's home.

I'm glad you liked it. I hope you find a breadstick somewhere. :moustache:

That's exactly the response I wanted.

Wow, that was fantastic.

6113839 6114008
Indeed they are.

Infinity, it's a touchy subject. :pinkiecrazy:

I loved that part too. :trollestia:

6114008 True, but they're finite. ( I swear if Dissy so much as touches that beautiful dim-lit beauty I will murder him)

~The Great Zoroark

6113453 Most of that is wrong, sorry. Infinity - 1 actually doesn't have a value in any number system. Infinity multiplied by infinity is still the same infinity, aleph null. You only get bigger infinities if you start coming up with non-listable sets. Infinity is a value, but not in the usual sense. You can't do as much maths with it--well, you can, but you won't get a very diverse set of answers.:rainbowwild:
6113606 Actually, the number in both sets you mention in [1] is exactly the same--the two sets have a 1-1 correspondence. (1 to 10, 2 to 20, 3 to 30, and so on.) And technically you can get larger than infinity, but that's still infinity, so it only works if you're talking about a specific infinity.

If they have helicopters, I doubt they wouldn't have phones.


Well, I tried! Like I say, while I have a moderately good understanding of maths (did an engineering degree) and I am somewhat out of practise. (I glazed over a bit at the explanations on wiki, I'll be honest, but I thought I'd got the gist. Consider it a bit of a "lies to children" thenm as Science of Discworld put it!)


I had completely misunderstood infinity when I went through school. I really thought infinity was just a number that we could reach eventually. But no, it isn't. Infinity is merely a concept and for most purposes using an absurdly large number would do better to get the point across.

When I was rather young - maybe three, four or something? - I was up too early in the morning for Saturday morning cartoons (this is going back, like 30 years before they had children's channels) and I put the telly on and there was the tail-end of an Open University program, which I watched because there was nothing else to do. It was actually on stress fractures and stuff, but what I saw and forever stuck with me was one point where the lecturer was talking about something some function that repeated to infinity. He has a number line of some sort (I think it perhaps had some sort of factors to it as well or something) behind him, and he was explaining, while referring to said number line, something like "and so [this function] does [this thing] and so on and so on to infinity. But if [this other thing], it does [something else] and so on and so on to minus infinity." And I actually understood and retained the context of both negative numbers and a fairly reasonable understanding of infinity. Just goes to show kids can grasp complex subjects... Either tha or I am completely insane or something, one of the two; probably both...

I know it was a program about stress fracture mechanics, because, fifteen-odd years later, while I was doing mu mechanical engineering degree, and bugger me if they showed that very same program in one fo the lectures. I was highly amused. (I can't remember what that bit was anymore, since I did my degree a good fifteen years ago and haven't used those particular materials skills since.)

6114131 You guys are making me hungry. I wish I could go to Olive Garden for my birthday dinner tonight.

Welp. You live and learn. Sorry. :twilightblush:
Yeah... learned this myself now...

No problem. I'm glad to enlighten! And other people might not have even tried to figure out what Wikipedia tried to say, but you did, and that's what counts. :twilightsmile:


Burn the heretic!


No, please! Not the mane, not the mane! :raritydespair:

In all seriousness though, their breadsticks are delish.

Wait, why would Discord be mad about this? I thought he liked chaos, and a sign being wrong is a little chaotic.

Discord doesn't like it because it would be an end to chaos. If breadsticks really were infinite than that would mean that breadsticks would be the only substance left in the universe. It would be a perfect order with absolutely no chaos able to break free from it.

It would be a good way to go. :moustache:

I'm never quite sure whats canon or not in the Equestrian universe. They leave everything so open ended. :twilightsheepish:

6114449 So he actually thought that this "Logistics" pony was capable of doing that?

Not really, he was just messing with him. But using words like "unlimited" annoy Discord enough to pull stunts like this.

Can't really think of anything to say. :trollestia: Go chaos!

Good God, I kneaded this story. I'm glad you rose up to the challenge, Chinchillax, when everyone else was loafing around. You certainly did the rye thing!

And the resulting story, hot out of the oven, isn't even half-baked. Not the slightest bit crummy. Why, it's the best thing since sliced bread! I guess I'll take a copy, baguette, and take it home with me.

With its appearance on the Featured list, I suppose it's time to toast this author today! Wheat will we ever do without Unlimited Breadsticks*? It's the very yeast we could do.


I dunno: the Gradmapocalipse seem pretty chaotic to me.
Also all the matter in the universe get transformed in cookies, not becomes cookies- this way there can still be chaos!
Of course, it is a Cookie flavoured chaos, but it is still chaos.

I loaf this story. And those were some of the butter puns I've seen around this site. You were really on a roll there. :derpytongue2:

Thanks! Though I had some practice-- I write a pun column for my high school's newspaper.

6114910 I wish I attended your school. We never had fancy pun-filled newspapers :ajsleepy:
Hell we didn't have a school paper at all!
Anyhorse, yeah you did good Ted :raritywink:
If we were on the subject of cheese, I'd have to say "You are a gouda guy" until I was bleu in the face. :rainbowlaugh:
But we aren't, so I won't...right? :derpytongue2:

Actually, the 'Unlimited Breadsticks' thing is a ridiculous claim even in a universe containing an unlimited amount of matter.
Now, if this restaurant claims to be able to fulfil any order for an arbitrary amount of breadsticks at any given time (i.e. unlimited breadsticks), this means that there must be an arbitrary amount of breadsticks in the vicinity of the restaurant.
However, if we assume that breadsticks [1] cannot be transported faster than the speed of light, [2] occupy a minimum volume and [3] have mass, we get a few slight logistic problems.

If a customer were to order, say, ten to the sixty breadsticks, then it would take more than a year for the restaurant to get all of these breadsticks to them (unless, of course, the restaurant was able to store significantly more than a million breadsticks in a litre volume).
This is because even if all volume around the customers was packed full of breadsticks (1 per cubic millimetre), the breadsticks furthest out would still take more than a year travelling at the speed of light to reach the customer.
I don't know about you, but I don't think taking a year to bring your guests the meal they ordered is considered timely. In fact, I don't think it can be considered bringing your customers their meal, since they would surely have left by then.

The other problem is that our breadsticks have mass.
If our cubic millimetre breadsticks had the density of, say, air, the resulting mass in our store of breadsticks that is more than a light year in diameter would be greater than the mass of a black hole of the same size. By a lot. That, of course, would mean that all of our breadsticks would collapse into a singularity due to the gravitational forces between them.
Aside from destroying the world, that would make it a lot more difficult (in fact, impossible, since the breadsticks are no longer breadsticks, but a black hole bigger than our solar system) to actually deliver the breadsticks to the customer.

Finally, I want to add that the observable universe does indeed contain more than enough matter to create ten to the power of sixty breadsticks. (Given, of course, that a breadstick weighs less than a thousandth of a gram, which is still a thousand times the mass of a breadstick that is as dense as air and fits into a cubic millimetre volume. If you use bigger breadsticks, you will of course need a lot less to create a black hole. However, the breadsticks farthest away might then need less than a year to reach you.)

Eh, that was kinda cheesy. I can do Feta.

Still, your efforts melt my heart. It's nacho high school, but you're still welcome to our grate place.

It'll be wheely fun. It may be a small place, but in athletics, we're a real munster! We totally shred the competition every football season!

Anyways, it takes a while to work on your Kraft.

Wait. . . O dear God we better leave! Chinchillax looks hungry!

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