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Mega NewWays97


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Celestia, Luna and Discord. Three ancient beings in equestrian history. However why is Celestia and Luna princesses and not Queens? Also why did Discord conquer Equestria?

The answer to these questions have the same answer. One Mare, one Alicorn, their Mother Lauren Faust.

I really shouldn't have picked up that medal

Special Thanks to The Fan Without a Face for helping me with this.

A Special Displaced Tale

Now uncancelled.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 153 )

Whelp, it's time to track this.

Should I cry out copycat? Nah, just kidding^^

I like the story concept so far and want to see where you go with it. What I will say is that you could us an editor/prereader. The last section felt a bit rushed and disconnected. Jumping from Discord to the coronation, then that poor job of setting the time line and characters... I honestly don't mind the factors you're pulling in, but it could have used more than a paragraph and a half.

Last comment: add a bit more descriptions to the story. It's a bit sparse at the moment. Tracking for now. Potential for a like later.

The answer to these questions have the same answer. One Mare, one Alicorn, there Mother, Laurn Faust.

When I see this many errors in the description, I assume little or no effort went into the story.

Well now... I want to crossover with Lauren sometime. This will be fun :pinkiehappy:

Cool so far. Tracked.

6052631 +1. Whether the actual story is any good or not is irrelevant if readers reject the story just by seeing all the easily correctable mistakes in the story's synopsis. Quality is often judged by first impressions, and yours is, sadly, quite lacking.

more please

Is this the story you asked me to co-write? 'Cause I sent a reply.

The ring of a store door was heard as a redhead teenage girl finally had a smile. “I did it I got it.” Lauren Faust said as she finally got the pony she was missing to complete her collection, was happy for it. As she walked down the street with the prize in hand something caught her eye. It looked like a small medal with a strange mark of a ink and feather quill. “Where did you come from?” she asked confused.

(blue)First of all - No.
When MLP first came out, Faust was 8, and even then MLP was shit. Pluse when she re-created MLP, she actualy wanted to creat her own, original TV show, but Hasbro told her to MLP instead.

(red)Aside from that - I think you're missing a "she" in there.

With a fright the girl awoke her whole body feeling different. ‘What's goin on/’ She attempted to stand only to fall over. She keep it for a few more attempts until she landed near a small pond. There she could see her reflection.

Correction: (red's mistakes, green's corrections)

With a fright, the girl awoke, her whole body feeling different. ‘What's goin on-’ She attempted to stand only to fall over. She kept it for a few more attempts until she landed near a small pond. There she could see her reflection.

You have a lot more mistakes (mostly using the wrong words in the worng places) that I'm too lazy to point them all out.

also -

“I’m sorry if we started you, I am Star Swirl the bearded, and they are commander Hurricane.” The pegasus Commander Hurricane as he was called. “Chancellor Puddinghead.” The earth pony had a look of amazement at the Alicorn. “Finally this is Princess Platinum.” The unicorn with Star Swirl.

Commander Hurricane and then rest of them were long befer both Celestia and Star Swirls life/rule.
(Just noticed the 'Alternate universe' tag *cheeks flush red*)

Also - You should add more to the part about Faust struggling to walk like a pony.

Amy was totally lost for words.

Who's Amy?

“Ok then what's the…” Discord stopped as he saw someone he thought was gone. “Mom.” Discord said with his eyes wide open at the figure.

At Canterlot the celebration was over with her being Equestria's newest princess. Twilight friends walked up to her. “So how does it feel to be a princess darling?” Rarity asked.

Try an 'hr' tag in there:

“Ok then what's the…” Discord stopped as he saw someone he thought was gone. “Mom.” Discord said with his eyes wide open at the figure.


At Canterlot the celebration was over with her being Equestria's newest princess. Twilight friends walked up to her. “So how does it feel to be a princess darling?” Rarity asked.

Nyx was Nightmare Moon reborn, just after the Crystal Empire returned Twilight got foalnapped and after stopping a little ritual from a possessed cult Nyx was born.

:pinkiegasp:!!

If you're still looking for a co-writer, I'll be that person.

Seems promising and I will have this in my watch later list.:raritywink:

Note: I'm going to be so disappointed if they don't have a Lauren Faust cameo in the 100th episode celebration

I'm going to enjoy this.

I wouldn't mind stickin' a hoof in here if you want a proof reader/minor editor. I got a bit on my plate to do any major edits, but I would like to read a Faust story that actually gets completed.

Okay I'm really interested. Write more please.

... The only thing separating this from the front page is the lack of grammar. This is a rough draft, not a finished chapter. Fix it, and we can talk about favorites.

6056567 Well you mind helping? I don't have a editor

6056577 I can probably do some editing for you

Even through Nyx in there. POPCORN TIME!

6052631
I happen to be in agreement with this. There's practically no detail in this chapter (if it could be called one at all) and the plot is heavily lacking in substance. Put more effort into this and maybe I might think about giving it another go.

First chapter is pretty good.

I like it. Pinkie Pie learned a lesson never talk about Discord being adopted.

6052620 why would you do that?

6057575 meh.I believe you should only judge after the first two chapters personally

Oh dear god the grammar. Whelp here you go

Sitting in a table Discord summoned up the six bearers of harmony couldn’t wait to hear the explanation from Discord and the royal sisters. “Ok then so were should we begin? How a child comes to be or?" Discord started using toy puppets until Celestia gave him a glare to stop.
“How about this, who was that?” Twilight asked, she had never once heard about Celestia's mother.
Do you know why me and Luna only call ourselves Princesses?” Celestia asked hoping for a recap.
“Actually nopony never asked that.” Twilight answered back.
“It’s because technically Equestria has a Queen, our mother Lauren Faust.” Luna told them.
“You see shortly after the three tribes united Star Swirl the Bearded had a vision about a being with the traits and powers of the three tribes in one, with the leaders of the three tribes he went to find the being.” Celestia started.However Discord decided to interrupt.
Mind if I give them visuals?” Discord asked.
“Why?” Luna asked.
“Because it's more fun that way.” Discord answered.
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Fine, whatever.”
With that images appear like a story book showing Star Swirl and the three tribe leaders. Star Swirl showing the vision of the creature with all three races powers and traits. “In a forest were Star Swirl recalled seeing he found the being in his vision, our mother Lauren Faust and her foals.”
The images saw the four finding the Alicorn from before with two little playing foals. However the images soon showed the three leaders and Star Swirls giving a bow to Faust.
Ok I get the whole reason you both are her daughters, Alicorns and all, but what about him?” Rainbow Dash asked, pointing an accusing hoof at the Spirit/god of Chaos.
Discord seemed disgusted at the hoof. “Well if you must know I was… well… you know.” Discord started but refused to say that word. He never wanted to say the vile, evil word.
“Oh I see Discord was adopted.” Pinkie Pie said. Suddenly the whole room seemed sixty degrees colder. In fact it was sixty degrees colder. Both Celestia and Luna moved away from Pinkie Pie and Discord.
“Oh Pinkie Pie.” Discord started his head low and his voice calm. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy all felt a little voice in their minds telling them to run. Pinkie Pie however ignored the voice trying to save her from the horror she had just unleashed.
“Yes Discord?” Pinkie asked. Discord walked up to the pony with a smile. Then grabbed her by the neck choking her and slowly lift her up to his eyes.
There was nothing but pure, unfilled rage. For a moment all of Canterlot, minused the room Faust was in was turned inside out upside down and all around. A great voice boomed across the whole of the continent, from the frozen north to the badlands of the south and even to the Griffins homeland of Griffinstone. “IF YOU EVER SAY THAT WORD TO ME AGAIN I WILL UNLEASH UPON YOU A FATE SO VILE, AND TERRIBLE IT WILL BREAK YOU VERY SOUL AND MAKE YOU BEG FOR THE MERCY OF DEATH ITSELF!”
With that Canterlot returned to normal. In the room Celestia and Luna started to calm down at the outburst. It had been a thousand years since anyone was foolish enough to say the forbidden word to Discord. They were used to it but the others were all were shaking in fear at the outburst.
On the ground Pinkie Pie was foaming at the mouth as her mind was overloaded by the pure, unfilled, unedited fear. However Discord was in a corner all depressed with a aura of depression around his as the part of the room though perfectly lit was darkened around him.
“What. Was. That?” Twilight asked as she she and the other took deep breaths at what they had saw. Celestia got up close to whisper to them.
“Discord doesn’t like to be remained he was adopted.” Celestia pointed to Pinkie Pie. “That’s actually pretty mild compared to what Discord use to do.” Celestia warned them.
“So how did Discord get adopted you don’t mind me asking?” Rarity asked.
“Well It kinda went like this.” Luna started.
(Flashback the day of Discord’s adoption)
Faust gave a sigh at all this. “I can't believe I agreed to be their Queen, what was I even thinking?” Faust asked herself. It had only been a few years since she came to Equestria as it was known. A lot had happened to the poor girl.
One she had basically just become a mother. That was actually the mildest change to her life. She soon became Queen to a race of techno colored ponies. The paperwork was a hassle but so was ruling the fledgling nation.
The room to her study opened up as Luna was seen racing away with a toy in her mouth. Celestia running right after her. “Mommy tell Luna to give me my doll back!” Celestia screamed.
Luna shook her head as she heard it in her hooves. “No I’m keeping this.” Luna said. Faust gave a groan at this.
With her horn glowing the two fillies were picked up in her magic. Magic was a saving grace for her. Turns out she had the magic of the three races all within her. This fact was what helped the three tribes get behind her. She wondered how much that really played into it our how much a horse or in this cause pony herd instincts played into it.
“Ok what are you both fighting about now?” Faust asked.
“Luna took my doll of a dragon.” Celestia accused her sister.
“I want one and you never play with it.” Luna countered back.



These are just a few grammar errors the first half. I could go on about the pour details but I dont want to be to rude. Email this chapter to me at stewartbrian44@gmail.com and I shall fix as many errors and flaes as I can. I do not mean to be rude its just that this story has so much potential (yes I'm sure that potential is spelled wrong but its currently midnight and I'm typing this by flip phone).

6058042 Don't worry it's just a fun tease.

6058113 you just doomed yourself to a world of hurt. :pinkiegasp:

Concept: Interesting
Story direction: I really want to know what happens next
Grammar: Get an editor ASAP
It's not just the grammar that you need help with. You need to check the sentence structures. I'm sorry if I seem like an asshole but I honestly just want this story to reach its full potential.

6056577 Looks like you got some people offering already. Give me a poke on a PM if they don't work out for you and you're still in need of an editor.

“Discord doesn’t like to be remained he was adopted.”

lol xD. Made my day. But you might want to change that to reminded

Please for the love of Faust, get an editor! Other then grammar mistakes, this is a great fic. Also...
t.qkme.me/3rwd94.jpg
Continue this story.

Ori

Ok so, like, I'm really trying to get myself to read this and give it a chance, but the second chapter's NAME is mispelled.

HHHHNNNNGGGG.

Ok, from one author to another. You should really get an editor. You have already gained a favorable amount of feedback and responce from the first two chapters, despite having an abundance of both spelling and grammatical errors. This shows that the story itself has great potential, but will eventually scare away part of the readers if these errors continue.

So please, do get an editor/proof-reader or make sure to see to it that your chapters have far less errors.

6059769 getting one been a huge problem of mine

6060044 Sorry for not getting to editing, i had a surpise vacation (again), ill be back on sunday to finish.
P.S. Im currently using a tablet to send this.

Comment posted by Nova Arc deleted Jun 6th, 2015

6058113 :pinkiegasp: you must be insane to say... that word in proximity to discord *I point behind me to where a very angry Discord is* see he's seething with rage, *smoke's coming out of Discord's ears* better watch out.

Comment posted by Cookie Encylopaedia deleted Jun 30th, 2015

6076207 Discord does act rather childish at times though.

Comment posted by Cookie Encylopaedia deleted Jun 30th, 2015

6076240 Oh don't worry its kinda well image the only person you care about was gone for a thousand years how would you act? Granted its a bit much but this is good way of setting up how much Faust meant to Discord.

I love the idea of this story!:heart::rainbowkiss:

Unfortunately it is moving along really quickly.:rainbowderp:

I mean in just 3 chapters you have a girl get taken to another world, become a mother, ruler of a nation, get taken away again, and come back a thousand plus years later...there are 2 full story arcs there with the beginning of a 3rd.:rainbowhuh:

Honestly it feels like someone made a cliff notes about a story.

This story has a lot of potential! Don't give up!:rainbowdetermined2:

6076256 I personally think discord would call her mother. Simply because it seem unlikely.

6076720 I would think all three of them would call her 'Mother.' Although I found Discord calling Lauren 'Mommy' to be adorable! :twilightsmile:

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