• Member Since 17th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Saturday

LuminoZero


Someone once said I was passive aggressive. I disagree. I am far too impatient for that. I prefer just being normal aggressive. Don't worry about 'maybe' upsetting me, you will know.

E
Source

This story is a sequel to A Little Push


He never seems to fit in. Some of them are dynamic and active, he is passive. Some of them are driven, he is lethargic. Some of them talk, he simply listens. Yet nopony doubts that he is a true friend.

Turquoise Blitz and Prism Bolt have a relationship, to the eyes of most ponies, roughly equivalent to what their mothers had. All it takes is one incident in their youth to form a bond with no words, no promises and total understanding.

And, as is often the case, the strongest bonds are christened in blood.

-----------------------------
This is my entry to Kilala97's Fun Fact Fanfic Contest.

Proofreading done by Imaginary Valued.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 32 )

Oh, damn! I thought you weren't submitting an entry!

Looks like we all know who's gonna win now... :trollestia:

5807664

Hahaha! Don't give me too much credit! I've read quite a few really good entries so far. I'm not sure that I'm gonna win at all.

-Lumino

5to3

Shaky start if you ask me

5807737

Yeah, I was talking to RainbowBob about that on Skype. He say's I've truly reached the 'Upper Crust' of authors if I'm getting followers just so they can downvote my stories as soon as they come out.

"Nothing is more dedicated than someone trying to ruin your reputation."

I'm happy with the story, and it was for a contest, so the score really doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's just blips on the radar, really.

I hope you enjoyed!

-Lumino

That pony on the right looks like he came really hard................because he fell over of course

Very nice, but she said that Prism got it at Flight Camp (or Junior Speedsters, I don't remember). It was very good, but she already said where it came from. Unless it's an alternate universe from her canon.

5807941

Ah, Kilala herself has said it was her head canon, as are most things in her art work. She's actually said that she enjoys this head canon as well.

Besides, if something needed to be 100% accurate to be enjoyable, this entire site wouldn't exist!

I'm glad to get at least one comment actually talking about the story, though. Glad you enjoyed!

-Lumino

5807950 Ah, okay! It was very enjoyable, but as I read it, it just kinda irked me. Not enough that I did not enjoy the story, but a part of me was just kinda going, "Wait, does he mean Prism's scar? I thought that he got that when he was older." lol

Also, too true about the accuracy.

Sweet chapter. I loved this story. I'm glad you're writing again. I missed your stories.

5808099

Thanks very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

-Lumino

nice piece.:moustache::raritywink:

5808308

Thank you very much!

-Lumino

5808099

I'm your writing again.

That's mad creepy, yo.

Using that scene transition should be considered cheating:ajbemused:. How I am supposed to compete with my dingy asterisks? Damn it, why are you always a cut above the rest. Guess I won't be making the cut this time, but I suppose I should be glad I at least took a stab at it. Top notch job by the way. You've always done wonderful slice of life stories, but I think this one'll really leave a mark.

Also, grounding sounds like a pegasus name for a cruel and unusual punishment, like having their wings removed or something.

5808522

I actually had the idea that 'Grounding' for a pegasus was literally not being allowed to fly. I decided not to run with it.

Also, I have Damage Reduction against puns. Nice try, though.

Also, Also, if you like the transition, thank Frission. She made it and kindly allowed me to use it.

-Lumino

5808509 I have a bandaged finger right now. YOU try typing with that!

5808561
I typed this message with only my off hand. I mean, as far a things go, not really that hard. . . . :raritywink:

5808537
Pitiful pun-play pointless and powerless? Annoying alliterations are the answer!

Broken, beaten, bested by a bloke's book 'bout best buds bleeding between bumps. Bet a buck Blood Brothers'll be the best. Bah, better beat Bico.

Her professional pride in a perfectly set weather cycle made every day awesome, as her eyes scanned the sky on reflex, looking for signs of trouble.

This sentence doesn't make any sense, really. "Her pride in her work made every day awesome, as her eyes scanned the sky." Like, what does that even mean?

she would be grumpy at not flying

A really awkward way to word this, no?

He heard his mother speak, as her eyes went from the clouds down to him, not even passing their surroundings a glance.

Legitimate sentence, but here is where you say she speaks, but then she doesn't have any lines until a sentence or two later.

"Wha- measured?"

Personal peeve of mine. Use real dashes. It's not that hard to find out the keyboard combination for your machine, and GDocs even lets you place them natively. It just looks better. It also isn't wrong.

"I just want you to fix up the old one, I'm still in the shape I was then,"

Comma splice.

"Well," Prism replied, rubbing a hoof across his snout, "It's 'cause I'm awesome!

The I should be lowercase. You are continuing a sentence.

"W..well, my dad's

An ellipsis cannot have only two dots.

We both have wings, it can't be too different!

Another splice.

Prism and Turquoise arrived at one of the former's preferred flying spots in short order.

This sentence is fine, when taken by itself, but it doesn't have much of a place in the story. The story is being told third person limited, from what I can see, with Prism as the focus.

"Y-yeah, easy," Turquoise said, sounding not at all convinced.

The stutter clearly shows Turquoise's lack of confidence.

Prism said, certain in his logic.

Of course he's certain of his logic. What kid isn't?



Yeah, I gave up there. There's plenty of other errors in there too that I didn't quote. There's a couple instances where you repeat a word in a paragraph and extremely telly prose throughout. I'd add more, but I'm tired. I'm also not impressed. :/

Have a down vote.

5808729
Jeeeeeesus that is some dedication right there.

Nice little slice of life Lumino, a very solid entry to the contest! I always look forward to reading new things from you

5808729

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the story. That said, I thank you for your thoughtful proofreading. I wish I had time to give the story more attention, but sadly I did not. That's no excuse, of course. My lack of time doesn't magically make the story better.

That said, I do honestly appreciate that you took the time to read and comment on at least some of the story. I hope I'll do better by you next time.

-Lumino

5809723

Thanks very much, Frosty! I'm always glad to hear when people enjoy my work.

-Lumino

5809723

Jeeeeeesus that is some dedication right there.

Heh, not really.


5809726
You're welcome.

5809999

Heh, not really.

You took the time to go though the story and take note of any grammatical errors, and then typed up your post detailing them. I'd say that's a pretty good effort :twilightsmile:

All good stories and authors need critics, otherwise they become complacent and boring. This is especially true in places like this which can quickly become giant group-hugs smothering any attempt at improvement. Not everyone appreciates criticism, but it's honestly quite necessary.

Story's got little errors here and there, a few splices, a few fluency issues, but the substance is there and it's pretty good substance. Have a like from me. You earned it.

5810465

Thanks very much! I'm glad you liked it!

5810120

Indeed they are. The worst part about hitting the feature box, though, is I'm gonna have Perry ripping into me yet again. Pretty sure he doesn't care for my work, and this wasn't exactly my best showing. Oh well. That's the price of 'fame', yeah?

-Lumino

Turquoise followed the small pegasi with his eyes,

I think you meant to say "the small pegasus with his eyes," just a reminder peasus is singular and pegasi is pluaral, I've noticed few other authors make the same mistake.

This was fun to read.

5818220

Nice catch! And I'm glad you were able to enjoy it, despite its deficiencies. Thanks for the review!

-Lumino

I know it's after the contest has closed and all, but in the opening paragraph, perhaps it would have been better worded:

'She found ways to appreciate not only the wind and sun, but the rain, snow and hail as well'

Just so there's a distinction between positive and negative weather (Arbitrary as it may be).

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Finally getting to your recommendations. I wish the POV was tighter, but I think I liked this even more than A Little Push. :D

7309482

Haha! Good to hear! After so many well known reviewers rip my stories apart, it's nice to get a few encouraging comments.

I don't have any delusions of my stories being masterpieces, but it's nice when someone mentions the good and doesn't just slam on the bad constantly.

-Lumino

I personally preferred A Little PUsh, but this WAS a good read.

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