• Member Since 25th Mar, 2012
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Path_of_cloud


Death God

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After a prank too far last year's Nightmare Night by Rainbow Dash, Rarity, with the help of Ponyville's number one assistant, Spike, decides to get some revenge by pranking the prankster. However, things don't always work out the way they are planned.

Written for Gam3r Pon3's Nightmare Night Contest.

Sparity

Cover Art by Segdavinci

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 46 )

Fun story. Very sweet.

Halloween, comical failures, loads of candy, and a warm and pleasant evening with one's beloved? This was a fine description of a perfect night.

1448768 And Spike didn't even have to wear a dress.

This was adorable! Watch this hit the featured board!:pinkiehappy:

Couple of errors:
"...grunt of the impact" should be brunt
"...lay here for now.” Her response was a gentle snore." Her should be his

Aside from that, it was a short little fun read. Like candy in a way.:raritywink:

1454318 Good catch. :raritywink:

Although, her is correct. It's hers in that it was the response she received.

I was kinda hoping they would try out the spike pit... you made fluttershy cry when you didn't do the pit :fluttershysad::fluttercry::fluttershbad::fluttershbad::fluttershbad::fluttershbad:

but i suposse this was rather adorkable. :raritystarry::moustache::raritywink: fantatic job as always.

NOW BACK TO THE SEX!!!

This was a very sweet story. I still think it would have been funny if RD got a pie in the face.

1454411 Originally, that was the plan, but I realized it was counterproductive. Plus, I only had 2500 words. As you know, Fimfiction randomly increases the word count.

Simple and sweet.

You always know how to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside fave.

1454318
Damnit. Well, thanks. I think that's the first thing I've missed in... forever?

Aw, nice one-shot holiday story. Maybe you can make one for Hearts Warm eve. :raritywink:

Nice Sweetie Belle moment in the story as well. :unsuresweetie:

Please do ekep up such a good work upon such great stories like this one for the future.

1455361 Mayhap. I honestly wish I hadn't been limited on a word count as I would've added one more prank, a mention of Rarity usually going with Sweetie Bell but how she now wanted to go with the CmC instead, and a scene with Luna and Twilight. Oh well. :eeyup:

1454333 *processing*:rainbowhuh:.... Ok, I get it now. Little confusing bu,t I get it now.

1455287 *shrug* We all have our off days. Atleast it was caught and reported rather than left to hang there to mar the story.

Some little details, for no particular reason. :twilightsmile:

"your edict is quite admirable" - maybe you mean etiquette?
"I would of marked it off to a harmless gag" - 'have' and 'as'.
"all of hard work" - 'my' hard work.
"After all, She. Must. Pay!” - 'she' should not be capitalized.
"Spike was a bit torn, on one hand" - this is a bit of a run-on sentence. Use a period instead of a comma, or at least a semi-colon.
"across the ally" - 'alley', repeated in the next paragraph.
"love to the Unicorn" - 'unicorn' shouldn't be capitalized.
"Reeling that back into line, the duo set off to the boutique" - This participial phrase applies to the nearest noun in the sentence, 'the duo', but it is actually only Spike doing the metaphorical reeling. You could say instead "He reeled that back into line as the duo set off..."
"the targets living room" - 'target's'
"her lady like behavior" - 'ladylike'
"stalls we’re now manned" - were
"the Unicorn’s lips." - more improper capitalization
"is a Pegasus" - more of the same
"he caught site" - 'sight'
"solid black dress inlaid with onyxes that created a black shine when the light hit it just right was Rarity" - this should be marked off with commas
"became evident overlapping her lower lip just a bit." - ditto
"Looking in one of the many full body mirrors Rarity kept about the shop Spike couldn’t help" - ditto yet again
"levitated over “Now how about we go out trick-or-treating?”" - need some punctuation after 'over'
"sophisticated, beautiful, lady Rarity" - excess comma here, 'lady' is not an adjective
"The mouth on the costume opened revealing the pink, party pony" - Another participial phrase, needs to be separated with commas; but the comma in front of 'party' is incorrect, since that is not an adjective.
"a pony sized alligator" - 'pony-sized'
"which he did happily placing his head against her stomach" - you know the drill by now, yay for commas! :yay:
"Her response was a gentle snore" - this one is ambiguous, granted, but when used without qualification, 'Her response' usually means to me that she is responding. 'The only response' is much clearer.

1459915 Actually, Pegasus is always capitalized. Therefore, as a matter of continually, Unicorn should also be capitalized in this context.

Must have been way more tired than I thought, I usually do much better. Thank you for the help, and you will already find the fixes complete :twilightsmile: However, I do have one request, could you tell me what you thought of the story?

1460505
In its original context, the Greek myths, Pegasus is indeed capitalized, because it is not a species name, but the name of a unique creature that sprang fully-formed from the blood of Medusa. Big difference there. If capitalizing Pegasus means you also capitalize Unicorn, should you also capitalize Dragon? Gryphon? Frog? Where and why do you draw the line? As long as you are changing capitalization for consistency, it seems much simpler to make only one change - from Pegasus to pegasus - and have everything match.

The only really consistent rationale I can think of for capitalizing Pegasus, Unicorn, and (presumably) Earth Pony is if you are using them in the sense of group affiliation or national identity, e.g., a member of the Unicorn Tribe. Which doesn't really seem to fit the usage on the show, where the terms are strictly used to describe phenotype, with the possible exception of the Hearth's Warming play.

But if that's the way you want to do it, knock yourself out. :twilightsmile:


As for the story, I really like the idea. It's nice to see someone give Rarity a turn as prankster, whether or not she turns out to be any good at it. But she seems a bit out of character. The attempted pranks are very basic, physical comedy - the sort of thing you expect from Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie - and rather poorly planned, even though she has been nursing this grudge for an entire year. I would expect a Rarity revenge plan to be more elaborate, more subtle, and more embarrassing. Instead she is acting as though she has just flown into a rage over a recent slight, and doesn't have any cake handy.

Now if, in order to spend more time with her, Spike persuaded a reluctant Rarity to resort to risky ruses, that would explain why the scheming seamstress's sly stunts have a semblance of spontaneity. For instance.

Nice and sweet, very cute story.

However, I'm with 1461144 on the Pegasus/pegasus issue, uncapitalized is appropriate the majority of the time, unless you also capitalize Unicorn, Earth Pony, and Dragon for consistency.

1461144 But Word, red lines me:raritydespair: I shall call that line the sentient being line and I really should capitalize dragon in stories.I could be wrong, but I think in the shows description, at least for Direct T.V., they're capitalized.

And admittedly, I would've liked to have her pranks be more elaborate, but I was limited on word count. Oh well, even Rarity can be bit childish at times :duck:

1462084 I do.

1462296 In that case, there's a unicorn instead of Unicorn in the third paragraph. Looks like it's the only one though.

Great Halloween Story.

Nicely done.

Daw! That's really precious. Have a duck face:duck: And a few mustaches to go along:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Very sweet and Most Excellent Story. It makes me want more.

This is awesome and really cute. And I really, really want to see someone draw Rarity and Spike in that getup. And the ending is pure d'aaaw.

"and twilight had overtaken the land. " This is such an odd sentence when there is a character named Twilight.

Good job.

3088796 Thank you :raritystarry::pinkiehappy:

And yeah, Twilight's name does that a lot.

Ah, so sweet. This had all the charm and humor of a real episode. Rarity's theatrics, her plans going awry, and Spike's nearly blind obedience, until the point where he really has to reign someone in. Time flew while I was reading this, because I just became so engrossed in it. I'm having trouble finding a criticism for it, because it just seems universally good. Not amazingly awesome, not heart wrenchingly sad or mushy romantic, just...well.

A Slice of Life. :D

A simple, but fun, story. I enjoyed the read.
-Lumino

3239872 :twilightsmile:

How did I not tag this Slice of Life!?!

I am very pleased to read that you enjoyed my little Halloween- I mean, Nightmare Night tale :raritywink:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

A night dream with his mare.:raritywink::moustache:

Cute little comedy.

Thumb and added to my recommendation group.

When u wrote, 'I am Rarity queen of the Vampirse thing I was sure you were gonna throw in role play. But then you threw in Spike, so I was all like nah, it's not gonna happen...

So much time on this sight has ruined me...

7406274 ...It's a everyone story.

I just had a thought that Rarity is really the Queen of the vampires and she be a Unicorn as an disguise. Only her sister Sweetie Belle and her parents knows that Rarity is the Queen of the vampires, but nopony else knows this. Also, Rarity knows that Spike has a crush on her when they first met.

What an adorable and meaningful addition to the pairing. It was quite the heartwarming bonding experience between them.

9143099
It's the little things.

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