• Member Since 26th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 15 hours ago

Path_of_cloud


Death God

T
Source

A mysterious figure kidnaps Spike, but not before revealing a dangerous warning. Spike quickly learns of the dark, hidden truths of the world, and his place in the coming days. Princess Celestia and Luna prepare the Elements of Harmony against an old friend. Seven powerful and fierce beings begin to gather. The world teeters on the edge of destruction.

Other main characters: Luna and Trixie.

Beta Readers:paxtofettel, and PonIver

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 180 )

I'm pre-warning everyone now, Chapter 2 and 3 are violent, and they do have a fair amount of detailed gore. It is not the tone for the story, but it is necessary for the impact of the events. The story should not get any gorier and will most likely have little to no gore after those chapters.

Aside from that, if anyone is interested in knowing the pairings feel free to PM me and I will share them with you, but I believe some people would like to find out as details unfold. This won't be super romance heavy either.

Oh and before someone yells Gary Sue; yes, I'm aware. Some authors can pull off Gary Sues. Like most Superhero or Anti-Hero comic book authors. I didn't make the guy an Alicorn who pulled off a Sonic Rainboom, and then made the mane 6 fall in love with him as he landed two paragraphs into the story. So return the favor, and give me a chance to show that I can as well.

One last piece of advice, break down some of the larger blocks of text. It makes it easier for people to read it.

1119165 They will learn what a real paragraphs is!

1119181 I know, but technically all of my paragraphs are sound. Plus, some of them just work better this way.

So Spike will be greed?

This is interesting, though I'll have to edit it when I get back home.

“You’re friend have a name?”
Your*
:eeyup:

1119587 I always make the opposite error, this is literally a first. It's so awesome :rainbowkiss:

Thanks!

I like it! 6 Elements of Harmony, 7 Deadly Sins. I can definitely see Spike as Greed.

On another note, Discord and Wrath's origin stories were very well written.

The story is very different from your usual fare, but I like it! I hope to see more of this!

1119791 There are many surprises in store. Including some foreshadowed. As a hint, consider that the mane 6 all have jewelry for their Elements.

1119914 Spike eating the elements? Nah... I kinda doubt that. Maybe stealing them? Hrm. You have given me much to think about. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png

1119966 Nope. Look back at the third chapter. Remeber, the title is The Balance.

1119972 *smacks forehead* Oh. That Book. The Balance. Romance tag... Path_of_cloud writing it... Spike and Rarity on two different teams. Yup, they are going to be working together(or rather making it work?). Or, taking into account the jewelry hint... Perhaps the 7 Deadly Sins given form, to counteract the Elements having physical forms? Dunno. Maybe I'm missing something else. Or I'm just tired...dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

1120006 Correct on the first part, though irrelevant to the hint. Not so much, on the second part. I wouldn't feel too bad about it, it’s not horribly, blatantly obvious. Most people are going to miss it, and then go, "Ohhhhhhhhhh."

Very angry chapter, i like it! I like the fight scenes too, don't understand why there's so few views! :(

1121486 It is still fairly early in the morning. I'm glad you're enjoying it :pinkiehappy:

1120070 Hrm... This kept me up thinking about it. Lol. So, does it have to do with the sins being paired with thier opposites like Generosity(Rarity) and Greed(Spike)? Or perhaps just working togeather... *sigh* I'm going in circles, aren't I? Oh well. I love puzzles like this.

Wait... I think I'm on the right track. Does it have to do with the fact that both the chapter on the 7 sins AND the chapter on the elements have SEVEN sections? 7 sins I can see. But the elements? Perhaps there is an unused element? That maybe is the opposite of Discords? Well, time for work.

1121872 Oh, you are so getting this. With those two comments together and my hints you have all the pieces to the puzzle.

I forgot, Curator was created by FlimFlamBros. in his story For the Ones we Love. I let him stay good though, and not a psychopath dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png

Wrath snapped to attention and saluted. “As you command, Princes!”
“I understand.” Wrath bowed before the Princes of the Night. “I will protect our home and its citizens in you absence.”

It's Princess.:ajbemused:

intresting....I wonder if the alicorn sisters still have feelings for Discord..

1122203 but i thought you liked conquest? :fluttercry: fluttershy thought u liked him alot.
i did smile at the curator part. i got money that curator/conquest makes a cameo for no other reason than he can:rainbowlaugh:

but whatever you do im sure that it will be fantastic!

This story is off to a great start so far. You did a kick ass job on both the back stories of Discord and Wrath and how they became who hey are today. I am very interested to see how Spike will take the news that he is one of the 7 sins and how his journey to save the world will begin. I am also serious to see who the other 7 Sins are as I am wondering if they will be canon characters or OC's. As well as when the mane six meat up with the 7 sin's for that will surly be an interesting meet up to say the least.

So keep up the great work and I can not wait to read the next chapter.

1124074 I felt it was time someone gave him a reference.

How much do you want to bet that Trixie is Pride?

Alright, finally found some time (and a computer with internet) to read and give notes
"Something only he himself seemed to have notice." = "noticed" (past/present tense)
"Two months ago Wrath had discovered why. They were in love." A bit confusing as to who "they" refers to in this sentence. I'm guessing it means Wrath and both princesses, but it could easily mean the princesses with each other, or just one with Wrath. It's a little too ambiguous without a bit more clarification.
Celestia shared her enthusiasm, “A hybrid between Unicorns and Dragons.” You'll never quit implying that Unicorns and Dragons can mate, eh? Sorry, just had to tease you about the whole Sparity thing.:raritywink:
“Oh, don’t be a killjoy Wrath.” = "killjoy, Wrath"
“Please Wrath.” = "“Please, Wrath.”
"Victory would ne be his this night." not sure what happened here. I'm guessing just a keyboard accident.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fun, harmless fun," I feel like "harmless fun" should be a separate sentence.
"filling pillows with pudding" :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Okay, now I see that my previous complaint about the "they were in love" comment actually referred to the princesses and Disco... Seeker. Seriously, I had no idea that's what you were implying earlier, so definitely a bit more clarification is necessary.
"His power was also closer to the Princess" = "Princesses"
"Wrath’s dream world dissipated as a small brown Unicorn colt with a star embroidered cape with bells around the edges ran into him." Somewhat of a run-on. No punctuation present in this sentence makes it awkward. Also, watch your multiple usage of the word 'with'.
"It meant that she had begun taken an active role" = "begun taking" (tensing)
“By a whole two minutes.” Careful about angering the fandom by implying that the Princesses are twins. I'm not afraid of pissing people off, just saying it might not get a good reception. :twilightblush:
“Goodbye Luna, may your journey be fruitful and safe. = Missing quote mark. Also, so is it going to be perpetual day/night/whatever it is right now until the princesses get back? Kind of a plot hole.
"It had gone to well" to/too/two
“Was that wise Blue Sky?” = "wise, Blue Sky?"
"a pained grown" = "a pained groan" also double check this paragraph for missing commas. Read it out loud a couple times. Oh and his mother is "gagged"
“With pleasure Faded.” = "pleasure, Faded"
"the cloth her mouth" = "the cloth over her mouth"
"vomit educing" = "inducing"
"So Wrath ready to talk now?" = "So Wrath, ready to talk now?"
"Hooves feel as he was kicked" = "Hooves fell"
"Only one thought remained, I’LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!" A colon would be preferred here, or at least single quotes around the thought to dignify it as internal dialogue. That and/or italics.
"“You don’t want that kind of curse Wrath." = "curse, Wrath"
"They died because I choose to save you first." = "chose"

Story wise, I'm a little shocked. Mostly because I've made it a point until VERY recently to avoid dark fiction entirely. Violence just hasn't been my thing, and the darkest I've read is Millenium Wake, which is rather tame. The violent parts were done well, although I feel weird about how this starts off on a such a light and happy note and descends into total chaos and blood. The narration was constructed well. There's no particular points where it's either telling or showing too much, and the concept remains interesting and original.

Good luck with the rest. I'll make time for reviewing chapter 3 when I can.

1129229 Not on your life, mate. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png Draconequus actually means dragon pony in Latin. Fun fact, I use Latin when I name things directly related to dragons.

My keyboard is trying to kill me, or at least kill my typing.

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png It's not like there's a way to argue that their not. Plus, pissing people off amuses me :trollestia:

Also, so is it going to be perpetual day/night/whatever it is right now until the princesses get back?

It progresses, the events unfold from this point to the end in a matter of hours. In chapter three which has a much longer duration the world alters to show that time is advancing faster.

I'm so blaming spell check for half of those. This is what happens when you send something off to six people and two get back to you, and one isn't particularly proofready. The bacon has been saved! I appreciate the assist. Yes, the sudden decent into madness contrast strongly against the beginning, which was my intent. Nobody saw this coming, and that makes it all the more devastating and tragic.

let me guess. Spike is Greed:ajbemused:

I kinda have a small hope Discord and Twilight get stuck together if the sins work wit hthe elements i mean by all means thats actuyl a pretty solid team (that and the fact Discord loves messing with twilight :twilightangry2: (twilight does not likly aprove my my thoughts on the matter.) ) but thats me and guess work. :derpytongue2: (and derpy guess work it is)

Wonderful so far keep up the good work awesomness is what you do! :twilightsmile:

1129382
Yea I know the Latin I was only making jokes lol. You can't deny the similarities. And yes your keyboard is out to kill you. Even in your comments lol
You gotta be patient with proofreaders. I was sitting the latest chapter for my new series for three weeks waiting for my proofreader to take a peek at it lol

1130325 Very few people know that though. I noticed that, begging beginning, so many damn same letters.

I am patient, I haven't killed any of em, yet.

1130278 Well Discord will mess with Twilight a bit, but Twi and Discord will not be... teamed together per say. Not to worry though, Twilight's partner will still be driving her crazy. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png

1130461 :pinkiehappy: wonderful crazy twilight is fun to watch/read and if your doing it well a whole buket of fun is bound to be there in that pocket another point for you! (and again i have a seenking feeling twilights not happy :twilightangry2: ) i wish you nonthing but the best! :twilightsmile:

Well, that was a good read in my books, and an awesome cameo by the way. I actually read that same story yesterday, will fave.

1133414 It's one of my favorites. I'm glad that you enjoyed it and this so far.

You sir have pure talent. I love how you have no dislikes as well but please continue i can't wait for more :eeyup:

Keep up the good work i can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

So in my rush to get this out before the month ended, I was unable to get it proofread. If anyone would like to point out any errors they see, I'd be much obliged.

This chapter took an unexpected turn for the dark :unsuresweetie:

Unexpected revelations!

Two more Sins revealed. Two to go!

So who else misses the girls? I miss the girls. You know who the next chapter is going to surround? I bet you do now.

By the way, no one seemed to notice that Pampered is Blueblood's relative and therefore in no way related to the Princesses. I wonder if anyone will notice what I hinted at in this chapter...

When he learned Aura Mastery, he became aware of what I had done and could shut me out at will. He normally wouldn’t tough.
nope.avi. fix that.
“Tell my child about me one day… and that I loved them.” Nightshades eyes closed and a single tear escaped.
HIM
“Right idea.” Discord rubbed his goatee thoughtfully. “Marksmanship is Pride’s problem anyways. I’ll be showing you how to control you flame for different effects.
YOUR

1196717 She doesn't know it's a him. He's still an egg, derp. Good call on the other two though.

love your story, i don't know why but i really see Queen Chrysalis(Fav Villain) as the sin of envy. That would just make this story so much better for me!:derpytongue2:

Awesome. I can't wait for the action. Can't wait for the next update :pinkiehappy:

1197142 Well I'm sorry to say that's not the case, but not all the OC's are ponies, nor are all the Sins OC's If ya catch my drift :raritywink:

1197257
it's fine with me, i cant wait to see what else happens!:twilightsmile::derpytongue2:

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