After my grandfather passed away I inherited a strange staff from him. I discovered that the staff gave me strange visions of a place I had to go to. I experienced visions, day and night, and in the end I decided to follow them to see where they would take me. I did not expect to be taken away from Earth and sent to a place that defies everything I know, and I certainly did not expect to hear that not all the members of my family were human.
Editors are lordofchaos14, Joyjay, The Invisible Man and JBL.
Warning: Contains small amounts of Anthro. Equestria Girls did not happen in this story.
My first fic posted here, told from a 1st person perspective. Rated Teen to begin with, this may change as more ideas develop, but I'll try my best to keep it Teen.
i quite like the story so far, i may not have read many stories on here but its defiantly a new twist on HiE for me an i like it lol
Glad you like it, this story's been on my mind for over a year now and it took a long time figuring it all out.
Oh, you're also the first commenter on my story and according to the ancient rules set in stone by the members of Fimfiction, it's customary to give gifts. Please accept this moustache
Interesting take on things. Can't wait to see where the "Native American" parts of the story will fit in...
its a good story so far, but dude i think you may be trying to write too fast if you have 14 chapters of crap. my advice to you is don't worry, slow down to make better quality chapters, and be cool about it. other than that keep up with the long chapters and quality of the chapters.
by the way make most the chapters about 3000 - 5000, instead of 11,000. nobody wants to read that much at once, and will get almost to the point of boredom. good luck.
Well....damn thIs looks promIsIng...Im goIng In!
I am really Impressed wIth your story so far. Uaually I am not a fan of human turns into something, however in this case he still is mostly human. I was surprised when the staff still existed, i had thought he merged with it at first. Really lookingt forward to more, this needs more attention.
Not a bad story goin on here, but it could use some grammar work. Seemed a tad worse on this chapter.
The thing I'm most curious about is the identity of the mysterious 'guide' that has spoken to him and given him understanding of Equish.
So, constructive criticism time. I liked it overall but do think it needs to be edited a little better. Things like this ("Oh. I am home?) Most modern people don't say I am, they shorten it to I'm.
(“My home, but it is also your home. Now tell me, how do you feel?”
I’m cold… and scared. Am I dead?
“No, you are far from dead. At this moment you are more alive than you have ever been before. But at the moment you are unconscious and you were closer to dying than I expected and for that I must apologize. But worry not, for in time all will be explained.”)
This feels like a run on sentence, the being uses (And) to many times. Then we get to where he wakes up, I feel like the guards should not interact with him at all, if their veterans they were probably instructed to just get the rulers and do nothing else. Anyway I liked the rest of the story, it was just a couple things I feel are pulling it down. By the way, I like long chapters, 3000 is defiantly the bare minimum on chapter length.
5738789 Thanks for the tip concerning the length of the chapter, I felt like this one got a lot longer than I expected. Before rewrite it was about twenty pages but I decided to add a bit more to make the reactions of Luna and Celestia seem more genuine. The fourteen chapters I have took me a year to write as I wrote a bit on and off, adding and removing things as the story progressed, so in fact the chapters I have cover the first arc of the story. Still, the chapters are too long so in the future I'll divide each chapter into two parts to make it easier for you readers.
5739765 I knew that the part about grammar would pop up. English is not my first language and for some reason I never have any problems speaking English, but when it comes to writing I tend to have some problems when it comes to proper sentence structuring and grammar. I grew up watching james Bond movies and learned most of my English from watching them. I actually had a slight accent for a couple of years, due to Sean Connerys influence.
Still, I should find an editor for the sake of the story.
5740074 Your demand for editing has been noted and will be corrected in future chapters.
I felt that the sequence with the guards was necessary. His first interactions with ponies should be a bit troublesome, considering his prisoner status and the fact that they think he is dangerous. Still, I think ponies, even veteran guards, should know that prisoners have access to basic facilities like a toilet. Considering the status that Celestia and Luna holds I think that a hospital room that reeks of urine would offend their noses and the guards know this, thus allowing him time to empty his bladder.
I just have to say it looks like there's a dick on the guy's head on the cover pic
5740170
if you ever need an editor, you can email me yournightmaresnightmare@gmail.com
im very fluent in both reading and writing in English, and plan to major in english later on
It's a really good chapter keep up the excellent work
5742145 Hah, I was wondering when that would come up.
It's a matter of scaling the size of a unicorns horn up to the size to fit a human. I tried to find a template of a unicorns horn but was unable to, so I had to draw one myself.
This gon be intresting, i wonder if he will meet some of his ''families'' over there.
Now i am really intrested in what is going to happen soon, i cant wait !
5752824 That depends on the size of the injury itself. I never mentioned the size of the head injury or the circumference of the splinter in Magnus' arm, a detail I never mentioned. Still, a small gash that only requires a few stitches does not mean it's serious. A puncture wound in the arm caused by a piece of plywood can be dangerous, but only if a large bloodvessel is punctured or muscle and sinew is damaged. But I thank you for mentioning this, I forgot a few details in the next chapter and your post reminded me of them.
Next chapter is almost done and now that I have an editor who can help me I'm sure that the quality of the grammar will improve.
A quick update and an explanation followed by an apology:
The next chapter is done and when I read through it and parts of the next chapter I was unhappy. Most of the two chapters are just repetition with little advancement to the story. To be frank: It's boring. So, I've decided to make the next chapter and the one after into a single chapter in order to advance the story properly. This'll take a bit longer, at most two days in order to make it all fit seamlessly. I'm sorry but I firmly believe it'll be worth it.
Edit 22.03. Release date for next chapter has been changed. I got a bit ahead of myself and made promises I can't keep and for that I'm sorry. I won't go into details, but expect next chapter sometime next week.
And I learned a lesson about this: Never promise something if you're not 100% sure about it. So from now on I won't mention a specific date for the next chapter, only that it will be coming.
So, human turns to X?
So, human to male Chimera?
Maybe he is slowly transforming into a female pony?
5798518 I can tell you that there won't be any more tranformations. Magnus' current form will remain throughout the rest of the story. Check back in a couple of chapters to find out more. I hope you found the story at least a little bit entertaining.
5798555
Sorry, but I think of hate stories where "Human turns into X that does not exist in Equestria and goes to Equestria". Specially since said human may end looking like a monster, but generally ends as a Mary Sue.
Is different is cases like The Wolf's War by Blazing47s, because Link already turns into a Wolf in that game, and him getting new powerups makes sence if he can't take human form while on Equestria or get Midna help.
Anyway, I wish you luck with this story, is not just my thing.
Fortunately for Magnus, the Equestrian legal system works much faster than those common on earth. As for the basis of the case... meh. One on hand, it seems odd that they suspect he has something to do with the creation of an item they personally judged to be over a thousand years old. On the other, it does seem suspicious that he can describe an ancient spell. Between the two is the odd evidence, like the pictures and clothing that doesn't fit his current form... There's also the fact that Magnus has said there's no modern evidence for magic and the staff is a family relic. The Princess' should be familiar with the concept of knowledge being lost. Everypony forgot Princess Luna existed in the thousand years between her banishment and return, for instance.
Moving on from comments on the trail, let's talk setting! Based on their skepticism towards the idea of other worlds, I take it the mirrors from EQ Girls and the Comics are non-canon to this story?
On to speculation! Starswirl outta nowhere! Well; not nowhere. Would have to be a powerful and skilled magic user that set up that staff, and the hints that the staff would pull off a trick like that were pretty clear. I wonder if it is Starswirl's own horn that's on the staff...
And on grammar; just a few minute things like missing apostrophes and misplaced quotation marks. No biggie. Didn't even notice them until I went back to double check some of my assumptions and such.
Write on, Author. Write on!
5853049 You're right about EQ Girls not being canon in this story. I don't like the idea of ponies on Earth but I love HiE stories. Does that make me a hypocrite? Probably. Anyway, parts of the comic will also be canon in this story as it advances.
5853593 What's the matter? Don't like cliffhangers?
I like em! Dunno, that's up to my editor, he already got the next chapter for editing and I'm hesitant to say that this date and that date the next chapter is out. I'm working on Valve time when it comes to chapters.
5853617 Hmm, around the 21st or so?
Seems Mr Powell has quite the impressive coach in his corner. Looking forward to the next chapter!
5853049
This is basically my view of things. The courtroom drama feels incredibly forced because the princesses jumped to it without bothering to gather much information at all and ignored most of what they got.
They had him sedated for days and Luna never poked into his dreams. I would generally expect her to try that within minutes of locking him down.
They estimated the staff to be over a thousand years old, and didn't bother to try estimating his own.
He accurately described a magical phenomenon that nopony has seen in a good thousand years that a) could do exactly what he's claiming, and b) lines up with the estimated age of the staff -- then Celestia dismissed it out of hoof, on grounds that don't make any sense because it also explains c) how there's a unicorn horn in the other world.
Celestia's meeting with him in the hospital room was one of the most uncharacteristically impatient things I've ever seen her do in a non-parody story -- I felt like if she was in there much longer she'd have loudly yowled "I don't like making wooords" or something.
Hell, they scheduled the trial without even ascertaining that he spoke their language at all.
5855452
He was kept unconscious by means of sedatives and I wrote that Luna was unable to see his dreams as sleep and forced unconsciousness are two different things.
I would guess that estimating the age of an inanimate object and a living being are two very different things and very different procedures.
Magnus only described what he saw, not the function of the sphere. And because they believe he might be a Unicorn Hunter, a gathering of creatures known for their bloodthirst, fanatical approach to magic, willingness to mutilate, kill, maim, trickery, deception and destruction in order to gather unicorn horns I doubt they would take anything he says out of face value and might be sceptical to his story.
She came to check on him and see if he was healthy enough for a hearing and because what she think he might be-all caused by the staff- she dooesn't have time for his bs and just want him dealt with ASAP.
All creatures in the show seems to speak the same language. I don't think the theory of a single language spoken by the entire world is far-fetched. We know there are dialects in the show so different languages might be a thing.
All of this is good stuff, this is the kind of critisism I'm looking for that will help improve my writing.
OOOO never encountered starswirl before in a fanfic, this gon be intresting
Next chapter comes tomorrow. My PC went up and died on me. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Right, read this and forgot to leave my comment.
I'm pleased that my theories as to his origin where right. As in; Swirl ending up on earth in the past, relationship and leaving his horn behind for reason. The history dump was very good at fleshing everything out. It was a good thing, in a way, that they missed the first orb. Luna would have still been on the moon at that time.
As for your crossbreed; I don't have an issues with it. Ancient Cultures like to make their crossbreeds via Ancient Photoshop. Cut and paste body parts and features together. Your version seems a bit more organic. Fur remnants but spare in location, ungulate legs with hands, etc, etc.
Gosh i cant wait for the next chapter.
I love the writing style, the story line, just...everything!
How did his grandfather live so long if the all die young?
5897618 Thank you
5897672 That's the thing I was trying to go for when it comes to Magnus' appearance instead of the 50/50 satyrs. Organic, spread, but not too much. In his family line there's only one unicorn while the rest are humans.
5900622 That will be revealed in a future chapter. That one was tricky to explain but I'm content with the idea I have. Not so sure if you guys will be content with it.
Interesting story; definitely a twist on the standard HIE plot. Waiting eagerly for the next chapter.
FYI: 1500 years ago, a woman in her thirties would be considered an old crone, not 'young and beautiful'...
5906547 Thank you, it's nice to hear that my story has a twist, especially as it is a HiE.
I'm not sure what the average age among native Americans was 1500 years ago, as life expectancy varies depending on diet, physical health, number of illnesses and even what part of the world we live in. At the beginning of the last century the life expectancy in the US was just below fifty and now it is just below eighty. Modern medicine along with a healthier lifestyle has given people an extra 40 years to enjoy life with. I'd like to think that Star Swirls powers of healing was a boon to the tribe, as he was able to cure a number of ailments and injuries, overall improving their life expectancy at least a little bit.
I dug around the internet and found some statistics that showed me the "rough" life expectancy from ca 0 AD to 2000 AD. Starting at 0 AD and up to ca 1050 to 1100 AD showed a noticeable increase in how long a person would live, going from ca 26 years to just over 30 and then just increasing slowly but steadily. Around 1850 the life expectancy made a sudden jump as medical science improved and again in the mid 1900 life expectancy made a dramatic jump, going from around 50 to almost 80 in fifty years.
In my book that is damn incredible. Still, I found no information regarding the life expectancy of native Americans 1500 years ago.
I'm glad that stat swirl tried helping his family the best way he could
Really likeing this story. It is a unique take on HiE. Also the writing style really lets me paint a vivid universe that I almost stop seeing the words and just imagine it playing out inside my imagination. As to Magnus' appearance, I am guessing it is like the fauns in the Chronicles of Narnia except equine instead of goat and fur only from the ankle/wrist to the knee and elbow.
One thing I would suggest doing with the writing is to put some kind of break like "*****" or something to denote scene changes.
5918295 Thank you for the kind words, it's comments like yours that makes me wanna write even more.
My earlier writing style before joining Fimfiction was very different; short, precise and paid very little attention to the surroundings of the characters. If a character was in a room, he was in a room, and I didn't describe it much. My current style leaves very little to the imagination as I try to describe everything as much as I can, almost to the point that it becomes too much. I've learned to tone it down a bit now. I want to paint a world with plenty of details with some points vague where you, the readers, can fill in whatever you want.
My style is heavily influenced by Tystarr, whose stories where the first I read here. Of all the writers on Fimfiction, she's my definitive favorite writer. Too bad she doesn't post new chapters often.
After the next chapter I'll post a blog where I'll talk a bit about the physical appearance of satyrs in pony fics. You should check it out if it interests you.
***** has been noted and will be implemented, starting at the next chapter.
.....DO IT PRESS THE FAVORIT BUTTON FOLKS!
....it's....good....huh....never...thought...I..would write "it's" whit the '
5953957 I think you're the first one who've noticed
5954648 I haven't read it yet, but to say, I would have most likely noticed myself, being the Grammatic I am. Like, seriously. I still haven't gotten an editor yet but I don't have any spelling error reports anywhere on spellcheck. I ran a few grammarcheck passes on it as well in MS word 2013 and I'm clean there too. Obviously location names such as Canterlot and Ponyville get detected by the spellcheck, but that's about it. Also, I've found stories that I've made correction comments just casually reading, One time even as little a deal as ie instead of ei (or was it vice versa? I don't know.). Buuut yeah. I'm going to read your story now.