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Ripped from home with no explanation to a place that is both incredibly strange and eerily familiar. What world he walks on, what these creatures are, why he's here. There are many things Rajrishi does not understand about Equestria. He hopes to fix that.
But mostly he just wants to go home.
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Nice.
This isn't the comment you're going to want to hear 30,000 words in, but you've got a terrible habit of slipping from past to present tense throughout the story. You can write a perfectly fine story in either past or present tense, but switching from one to the other without any reason is very jarring to read.
That's coming across harsher than I meant it to, since there's not much wrong with your writing other than that one thing, but it's a big, noticeable flaw that draws the reader out of the story, and being aware of a tendency for it might help you avoid doing it in future.
3706865
Yeah, I wrote the first 9 chapters in present tense and re-writing it in past tense is an ongoing process. It should get better not that I'm doing it differently. Thank you for the critique though.
VERY disappointed in yet another idiot human who 'forgives' right away. after that much, mac needs to spend some time in jail at the very least- attempted murder is a serious crime.
Hm, seems Raj is looking for another set of trees to get him back home.
Heh, also had to laugh when he started reciting the story of monte christo there. Did not expect that.
Why would she be lecturing safety to a guy who has survived the everfree for 4 months? He knows better than her about it, so why is she questioning his judgement? For a good story.
-Clay the Draconequus
Update!
First real feels chapter, if I'm not mistaken. The only problem now is that you write to dang slow!
3877416
I had so much trouble with this chapter. I would sit at my computer and just stare at it for an hour without managing to put anything down, and when I did put something down two out of three times I would get rid of it immediately. It was torturous.
I hope to get back to the once a week schedule I started out at starting next friday.
yay stuff
3878695
Wow. I wouldn't be able to do that, especially since the chapter is so good. Every Friday...YES!
That was awesome and kinda shed some light on why he was acting like that, I'm still not sure what he's looking for though.
Good info chapter, shedding light on his motives for his actions so far.
3912638 I thought it was obvious really. He is looking for another set of portal trees, like the ones that brought him to Equestria.
3915057
He sounds like he knows that whatever is there is there for a fact. How could he know that there are more portal trees?
3915113 Simple. He doesn't.
He is currently on a mad mission, going against all odds. He is pushing himself to the brink of death, ignoring even the signals his body are giving him, especially that pneumonia currently in his lungs.
He does all this, just for the infinitesimal chance that he will come across another set of portal trees, with the same power that he felt while staying at his car from the previous trees.
So yeah, as I said, he has no idea if there are any other trees like that out there, but he cannot give up on the hope that he will see his family and friends again.
For that is all that currently drives him.
Heh, atleast that is how I look at it so far, from what I've read atleast.
3915160
He doesn't seem that out of it yet.
3915166 Have you not read the latest chapters?
He still hasn't recovered from his wounds, with his stitches ripping every time he ventures into the forest, and seemingly not caring about it, even when it brings him pain.
And as I just mentioned, he goes into the Everfree Forest, a place known in Equestria as a harsh and unforgiving place filled with dangerous creatures, wounded and sick.
He shoves everyone around him away from him, since he is so singlemindedly determined on his task to find a way home to his loved one's.
He also has discussions in his head, where he debates wether or not he should just give up, and make a new life in Equestria, only to rebuke himself by talking down on himself.
So...yeah..He ventures wounded, sick, unprepared, singleminded into a harsh environment, hoping beyond hope that he will find what he is looking for.
3915207
For one, he was in the Everfree for 4 months already, and despite the fact that he's injured, he looks like he could stand up to anything that tried to attack him... and then he had that huge coughing fit and ... ya. But that looks like it was fairly recent and he couldn't have put it into account.
For two, half of the last chapter just told why he was pushing everyone away and I don't really wanna restate it all.
For three, to me he just doesn't sound like he'd be dense enough to look for something that, more likely than not, isn't there when he could be resting/healing.
3915228 3915228 Aye, he was in the Everfree for 4 months, and it was slowly killing him. I am pretty sure he even said so/thought so somewhere in the previous chapters.
And yeah, he seems tough in my book as well, but even exhaustion, weariness can bring down the mightiest man. And I am not disputing that his cough seems recent, just stating that he continues on despite of it, in his weakened state.
And, to your last point, I reread this part of the last chapter again, and am pretty sure that it says that he actually does that.
Btw, I am enjoying this discussion
3915281 In my opinion, living in the Everfree was hardening him. I mean, I highly doubt that when he first landed there he would be able to fight off two chim-however you spell it-s.
Also, on the point of exhaustion and weariness, he spends every night with the apples, so he gets plenty of sleep.
He still has the reason of not getting too close to any of the ponies to stay with them. There are 4 ponies in that barn who all are wanting to have something bonding to do with the guy.
Actually, I'm surprised the wolves were out in that weather. The chapter said that the animals had all holed up in their dens through the rain.
And I'm kinda enjoyin' it too.
Well... that didn't work out like I thought it would.
Do the ponies know about it, because if they did, well, he could just ask for a book...
A bath. Lol
I wonder why this story isn't getting more comments or likes? This is GOOD!
I like it!
You know son I've read a lot of stories in my day and I like what you're doing with this one. There's a lot of action scenes that fit the genre of adventure, you introduce a lot of creatures for our protagonist here to fight. This variety in the animals and creatures our protagonist faces off against keeps the story fresh and not too repetitive. But, while obvious care has been put into the action scenes of this story there are a few issues. You focus on the protagonist's will to get back to his family but you don't really give the audience many reasons to feel sympathetic. You don't introduce flashbacks to help show the relationship the protagonist has with his family members and its hard to understand why he goes to such lengths to go back to his family nearly killing himself in the process. I'm also surprised that the CMC are so friendly to him after they watched him bash a chupucabras head in on his car that was trying to kill them. That's really cool in all but i'd be scared shitless of the guy. Your protagonist could also do with some more background information as his name is pretty unique in a character but that's just a nitpick of mine. I hope you keep this story going though, I have a feeling we're just getting started and I can't wait until the next update. Clever cliffhanger is clever.
4442598
I believe that is a fair critique sir, thank you. It always excites me to see someone not only close-reading something I've written, but take the time to ask questions and comment to me about it. It gives me something to think about and shows that people are reading. I'll try to make the next one as entertaining.
Also, I now have cover art!
I do not usually comment because my English expression is quite low, but since this story is really underrated, I decided to go and give a word of encouragement.
So here, thank you for this very good fanfic.
It's pretty rare and nice to have a protagonist who has a family and tries by all means to return home.
I would also like to point that I do not agree with JimmyJones12.
I do not think flashbacks are necessary, the guy was taken from his family and wants to go back which is perfectly logical and understandable. No need to make it all too obvious.
I can admit to being a little biased though since I don't really like flashbacks in general.
I'm liking this story bro.
I like his attitude.
Damn, this story is something. One word. MORE!
BOOK 2 GO
Wonder how long till Celestia or Luna will notice him?
There are quite a few tense issues throughout the story.
....There are so many ways this encounter will change in a matter of minutes.
My first thought was that Twilight lit herself on fire to get his attention.
So who wants to bet that he's going to regret having twilight along?
Xuan Wu?
LEROY JENKINS!
why would a Naga, a beast from Hindu mythology claim to sense the ire of Briarus, a Greek Hecatoncheire?
Seriously under-rated story you have made here.
5165354 For the same reason they apparently find rotting unicorn bodies a delicacy? Or maybe even the same reason Rajrishi also speaks the "Celestial tongue"?
I do not see a reason to only have a single mythos used in an Equestrian world building for a story.
5166482 well yes, but Unicorn myths go all across africa and southern Asia as Rhinoceri are the basis for that myth. I just find it odd that a naga would use Briarus as the connecting point for kinship with a human, rather than say Kashyapa, the father of both the Naga and all of humanity in Hindu mythology.(interesting to note that the Garuda, eternal enemy of the Naga, is also his descendant). I have no problem with the use of multiple mythologies in the creation of a story(lord knows I love Xanth) but, I'm wondering just how Briarus, the Arbiter of Poseidon and Helios, would be a connecting point, especially through his ire.
5166669 well, the myths originate from travelers to those areas anyway.
5166718 I have been chalking it up to artistic license and the odd parallels with Earth not perfectly matching up leaving room for reinterpretation.
I do not think we can safely assume that things have not changed since Earth may or may not have last made contact. The facts of the mythology/history for both worlds may have just been different to begin with despite the parallels.
After all I don't see the unicorns eating people.
But I see what you are saying. It is something unexpected.
If my memory serves me right, the Celestial Tongue is a bit from Asian lore. The tongue of the heaves, spoken by the gods and yet understood by all.
Anyways, this fic has all of my love and attention as far as waiting on updates goes. I've sat here since about 12:30 am, and its now 2:14 am, reading this. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it.
Well...Buck.
Well depends actually most snake venom to a human adult while many can cause some violent illness reactions the human liver is very good at fighting off many of forms of venom. Also keep in mind alien venom could be something already present in the human system. Also if magic is affected by iron like old fae tales the the iron in his blood should make short work of anything magical. Remember ponies have purple blood not red.
This is a very good fic.
Hey, just wanted to say don't worry about the favorite. Your story deserves that and so much more but all I can do is favorite and give it a thumbs up haha. This novel is so good I basically couldn't put it down and read it from start to finish in about two days. The fight scenes are awesome and you've done a great job in fleshing out the characters outside of combat as well. Wish you still had that buffer of chapters though because it is going to be painful to wait, but I can completely understand where you're coming from. Writing this good can't be done in just a week
.
EDIT:
Almost forgot, I can't wait to read more about his relationship with the naga and other sapient predators. All of these cliffhangers in two chapters! Argh!