• Member Since 12th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Souldrainr


I'm just your average 20 y/o Brony who no longer knows what is canon or not due to having read a preposterously large amount of fanfiction. I have one story I would love for you to take a look at!


T
Source

Slain by his best friend, Andrew Detmer finds himself thrust into a world of myths and legends made reality. How can he possibly maintain his apex predator mindset in a world with creatures the size of mountains, whose rulers are capable of moving the very heavens themselves, who can tear him asunder with but a glance if they so choose. He doesn't want to make enemies, but he isn't in a rush to make friends either. All he wants to do is what he wasn't able to accomplish on his own world. Travel. He wants to travel this new land, being the first and only human being in Equestria, he wants to make the most of his indefinite stay.

Cover art made by BlueKazenate, commissioned by me.

Chapters 1-7 proofread and edited by Pree Spunkables.

NOTE: Prerequisite knowledge of Chronicle the movie is recommended, but not entirely needed.

Featured:
7-25-16
5-16-17
5-27-17
8-12-17

Chapters (19)
Comments ( 264 )

Please comment if you enjoyed it and want more. I need feedback!

interesting please continue with the fine work:twilightsmile:

5415041 Finally a comment! Thank you very much Samurai-san. It seems the story is being taken fairly well so I will be sure to work on the next chapter soon.

I make it a point not to judge things this early on...

But the premise alone means this is going in my read later list.

And now, we wait for it to be featured. :yay:

5415068 Thank you for taking an interest. :moustache:

5415077 I don't know about that...:twilightblush:

But thanks!

Comment posted by thisistheusernameichose deleted Dec 23rd, 2014

Thanks for the message; I've read your story and shall now give my review:

This is pretty bad. The narration is awkward, and the dialogue is stilted and even more awkward. It's as if you didn't pre-edit this at all.

I'll give a specific example - this sentence:

"That sounds like a good idea, but I have to ask Dr. Stable, do you have any idea what it is?"

and this sentence:

"To be perfectly honest Nurse Redheart I nor anyone in town that saw him know what he is."

The stilted eloquence, the artificial name-drops, and the general awkwardness of these sentences ought to represent what I mean for the whole thing.

Here's another jab for your gob.

"Well, once word spread that the noise was coming from middle of Ponyville everypony gathered there to protest the incompetence of the search teams for not having gotten rid of it. But then… something happened… a blinding flash of blue light appeared out of nowhere in front of the town hall, along with a sudden deafening boom and an earthquake that broke several windows in the immediate vicinity..."

Now he had my utmost attention. As well as the wide-eyed Celestia's.

I think this chapter gets gradually worse as it goes on. More of the awkward, stilted, and weirdly proper dialogue/narration. I don't know who you know, but nobody I know talks like this. You don't want to write another fucking Catcher in the Rye, but making everyone an eloquent and deliberate speaker is not... you know, a thing that people who write good do.

"Huh, what?"

I mean that it's not... uh... not good. It ruins the immersion. You ought to not want that.

As far as editing goes, impression and style are probably the things you can improve on the most. So. Go through the conversations in your head. Figure out what seems reasonable, what these characters would say, and what they're feeling. Maybe figure out what they wouldn't say! And then rewrite the chapter. Is it any good? No, it's shit. Rewrite it again. Eventually you'll have something worth reading.

C'est écriture. /review

I'm getting the impression that you've read far more fanfiction than actual literature. While this isn't necessarily a problem, it can become relevant when you want to actually write something and start drawing inspiration. Most fanfiction is terrible (Sturgeon's Law), and if you draw inspiration from it then you'll probably get the wrong idea about how to begin a story.

So my immediate suggestion is to read more better things and fewer worse things. You know how to do it!

Further reading should include FilmCritHulk's stuff, especially this. (If you're willing to drop 5 bucks...) He also has a blog and has written a lot of essays that are available for free right now!

...what, you're still here? Fuck, try this! It's another bunch of rants from someone else! And take this as well! Have at you!

Don't show your face here again!

Zyrian
Story Approver

Wait a second, I thought stories had to be over 1k words to be published.

Gotta say, I've read a few stories that are crossed over with Chronicle, and this is, so far at least, one of the better ones.

Good job mate. One suggestion though;

Messaging people about your story is not exactly a recommended source of views. I'd suggest putting it in a few groups, crossover groups specifically. You'll get a lot more people than if you just started messaging randoms around the site.

5415313 Thank you very much for the feedback. Although I have read a lot of genuine literature, most of what I have read in the past 2 years is fanfiction, some good, some decent, and other where I have had to edit it in my head as I read (you know the feel). This is my first time writing anything that won't be turned in for a grade so I was not expecting a masterpiece of any kind.

I dropped the name drops, because nobody actually does that in real life honestly.

as for everything else, I am stumped.:pinkiesick:

Teach me the ways of writing pony fiction.:coolphoto:

Zyrian
Story Approver

5415883

Sorry about that. I just saw the count at the bottom, which for some reason says 865

5419424 Yeah it's drunk.

On another note I have no idea what sort of disaster/problem will let Andrew show off his powers next chapter. I don't want to pull a hydra out of my ass like everyone else...:rainbowlaugh:

Wow. Awesome job already on the first chapter. As one who's seen Chronicle, this was very easy to follow and I love how perfect the thoughts running through Andrew's head are. I'm looking forward to the chapters that follow. Quick question though just out of curiosity: Is there going to be like a set pattern for when chapters are published or will it be more of a "put them out when you put them out" sorta thing?

Comment posted by Souldrainr deleted February 25th

You know, I've been waiting for a proper Chronicle fic from Andrew's perspective for a while. And now I get 3 all in the same month!

Rainbow, what are you doing.

Rainbow, stop, he's friendly.

Glad to see this is still alive, though. Looking forward to the next chapter, whenever it may be. :twilightsmile:

Looks in read later list.

A wild story appears!

Now that I know it isn't dead I'll upgrade it to faves.

More updates plx.

"That's not scientifically possible!" He pointed his hoof at Andrew. "You're not scientifically possible!" He began to hyperventilate.

Say that to goku.

This is awesome! Can't wait for more!

More,more (ten hours later) more!

5732159 Bored, reading your mind now.
Wait, what?

Finally! And yes more telekenetic ability's in the next chapter please

The story of NMM... cautionary tale... or inspiration?

5921745 Let's be real here, "That fat pony can move the sun! The cute one can move the moon!" I don't think he wants to mess with that just yet if ever.:trollestia:

5922398
Tune in next week for moar!:moustache:

Oh god, he's nightmare moon. Think about it. Incredible 'magic' powers, including telekinesis and flight, forced to turn evil because of family, had to be stopped by his own flesh and blood (I think? Wasn't Matt like his cousin or step brother or something?)

This dude is Nightmare Moon for Earth.

Celestia opened her mouth to speak but was quickly cut off by Twilight, "But it HAS to be magic!...it has to be!?" Her ear visibly twitched.

So...you will next to say goku doing with magic and kamekameha? and flying stuff? and teleport is a magic?
Please...it all about ki!
And him. He have master mind. with alien rock.

I like the idea behind this story but I feel that you are writing Andrew incorrectly, this is mostly because of my interpretation of certain event in the movie.

I believe Andrew isn't "evil" in that he's not sadistic to the point that he enjoys anybody's suffering, but he does have sadistic tendency's that are partial inherited from his farther and partially learned again from his farther and from school bully's, its why he's so exited about getting back at the bully at school... the rush and thrill from being the bully instead of the bullied.

Basically he learned that those with power decide the rules and get away with stuff and that others will tern a blind eye to his suffering at the hand of a bully's so why should he care if others suffer, the only ones this doesn't apply to are his mother who showed him love and then his friends whom accepted him.

Now before you bring up his distress about the man in the car who almost drowned I think why he's so distressed is that no-one ever steeped in when he's hurt but when he hurt's someone else his only friends are distress and he doesn't want to lose them, I feel that's why hes hesitant when Matt make the rules about how they can use their powers as I got a definite "who gave you the right to make rules" vibe from that scene.

but ultimately it come down to the scene where he call's himself an "Apex Predator" in that scene he rationalizes that he is as far above humans as humans are above dog's and as such is not beholden to their laws or morality, so he can do what he wants to them because they are below him in the food chain just like the spider was.

So what it comes down to is that I think that given time Andrew would have become like Tetsuo Shima from the Akira Manga, an example of Tetsuo's actions is that he use's telekinesis to blast a crater on the moon as an example of his power to the world.

The Attack on the Moon.
The Aftermath.


finally problems I have with specific chapters
chapter 2: I don't think Andrew would have told the Nurse or doctor about the cave or the specifics of his power, he's presented as withdrawn and quite though most of the movie only being outgoing when he's angry.
chapter 3: if Andrews powers negate magic Luna wouldn't have been able to see his dreams at all, because he is surrounded by his power even when unconscious therefore his power is passively active and would instantly negate Luna's dream spell the moment she tried to cast it on him.


I have to say that all in all it's a good story even if I don't agree with your representation of Andrew and I Do hope to see more.

5921776

"That fat pony can move the sun! The cute one can move the moon!" I don't think he wants to mess with that just yet if ever.

Pffffft!:rainbowlaugh: A sun the size of a moon! And don't even get me started on Celestia being defeated by a bug!
You give them too much credit: the sun and moon are basically magical reactors - one generates daytime, the other generates nighttime (season 4 opener - a good 'ole nuclear sun wouldn't let darkness shove aside its light just because the moon is there) - so they can tap into that energy to move them. Most of that "magical might" is just showy-ness and distance, because even though the sun and moon are pretty close, they're still quite far away, which would require a lot more magic than your everyday levitation.

Celestia and Luna have experience, but Twilight's got them beat in raw magic power (after she ascended, of course).

Edit: Hell, if Andrew tried to telekinesis the sun, he'd A. Dissolve it and cause the "nighttime forever" thing, and B. Cause a magical backlash, from destroying it, so strong that the world would probably be obliterated.:pinkiecrazy:

5923988 I understand perfectly where you are coming from, I am NOT trying to make Andrew a hero. But I like to believe that when he assaulted those thugs and robbed the store, he wasn't trying to kill anyone, he just needed to get money by any means necessary for his mother's medicine.

As for EVERYTHING that happens after that however...
Andrew is covered in third degree burns and as such is in constant agony(his right eye might be blind as it appears milky in color), learned that the only ray of light in his dark life, his mother, is dead. Oh and his shitty father is blaming HIM for her dying as well.
I just think he snapped. Can you blame him? But what usually happens when people get angry to the point of violence and then calm down? For the most part they regret their actions.

Andrew is not a bad person! :fluttercry:

chapter 2: I don't think Andrew would have told the Nurse or doctor about the cave or the specifics of his power, he's presented as withdrawn and quite though most of the movie only being outgoing when he's angry.

Will edit to include something along the lines of "they have magic, they might be able to help figure out what happened to me etc.."

chapter 3: if Andrews powers negate magic Luna wouldn't have been able to see his dreams at all, because he is surrounded by his power even when unconscious therefore his power is passively active and would instantly negate Luna's dream spell the moment she tried to cast it on him.

Well, he did kinda overdo it with that storm, probably tore something :3

Also giving chapter 1 a face lift tomorrow.

5959693

I don't think he was trying to kill anyone when he was robbing them hurt the bully's probably but not kill them, I do however think that he didn't care if they died... the intention was money not murder so while he might not want to kill them, if they get in his way its their own fault and if their just in the wrong place at the wrong time then its collateral damage.
I'll be honest my problem with the whole robbery thing is that he didn't just go rip an ATM out of the wall more money and less people but no story so...


as for his rampage I think he would regret what happened with Matt but be indifferent to others he hurt during it so wrong place wrong time, he's high on power and starting to consider himself "more" then human so I doubt he'd regret the others injured/killed until such a time as his view on that changed, so to go back to the apex predator statement, do you care if you unintentionally step on an ant?

as for if Andrew is a bad person that's entirely up to your individual philosophy of morality... for instance I'm a relativist which basically means I think right and wrong, good and bad are human inventions which are neither true or false, while Consequentialism is the stance that motives are irrelevant to whether something is good or bad and only the consequences of the action determine if it was good or bad so.... whichever you want it to be :twilightsmile:


Chapter: 2
"they?" as in the pony medical staff who have never seen a human before? and help how? I mean to fix him and remove his powers or find out how he ended up in equestria... it just seem like he wouldn't trust them enough to immediately tell them about himself or his power let alone ask for help.

Chapter: 3
was his power exhausted and not functioning at all after the storm? because if it was even a little active how would Luna access his dreaming mind without overpowering his shield? Its shown in the movie that when the exert themselves they get nose bleeds if the power is active even a little Luna would have to overpower his shield which would likely cause such a nose bleed and instantly deter her from trying any harder.

But none of this explains why he went into the storm in the first place... its not his problem and he's not a hero so why risk yourself even a little for others you don't even know when they apparently have their own people moving to handle the situation? I mean he has only know them for minutes and Steve was killed by lightning so why risk it unless you want to play hero? doing it to gain their trust doesn't make much sense when they don't want his help and tell him to get back inside, as at that point he stands to lose trust instead.


Regardless I'm looking forward to what happens next :pinkiehappy:

Chapter delayed until tomorrow! :pinkiegasp:

I feel like there's about to be a big argument with the ponies and Andrew about his staying here...

I don't think it's a wise idea to send Andrew back to Earth. Fucking humans.

I wonder if Matt (or Steve) get to appear at some point if possible?

5968721 I do not plan on bringing any more humans into the story, Matt is probably just chllin with his monk friends sitting indan style 2 feet in the air while sipping tea. :moustache:

I'm gonna hazard a guess and say that last line was Lyra's...

Obviously though, I MAY be wrong... :raritywink:

Eating predator meat is unhealthy, too much metal and potentially radioactive material accumulates in the body over a life time.
He should stick with prey meat in the future, like a pony or a bunny. :trollestia:

6059782 ...no, no you may not be wrong.

EM2

“SEE BONNY! I’M NOT CRAZY!!”

Every HIE needs a Lyra joke somewhere...
Also LOL:rainbowlaugh:

5969832 I could honestly believe that

Souldrainr, PLEASE make the next chapter soon, this story is amazing so far!

By the way, Love the random Lyra. I just imagine her getting up in BonBon's face with the craziest psychopathic grin imaginable! :pinkiecrazy:

6158326 I'm sorry! :raritycry:
Writing is hard for a newbie like me. :unsuresweetie:
Expect the next chapter soon.

In case anyone is wondering, I want the next chapter to be relatively long, perhaps around 5k words, currently at 3k.

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