Twilight Velvet and Night Light were made for each other. But even the most perfect match needs a spark to get going. Both are the top of their class. Both have unique skills that set them apart from the rest of their classmates. Both are completely full of themselves. Join two stubborn and gifted Canterlot unicorns as they try to navigate their way through their own feelings.
Inspired by the Twilight Velvet x Night Light head cannon video made by none other than Ink Rose.
Cover Picture by Brotha Kyo. Check out his deviant art:
Chapters (8)
She should just punch Sundance, geez...
Still on a thin rope. What WOULD have happened if Twilight Velvet had left without bumping into the waiter?
5542316
Twilight Sparkle would have never existed, Equestria would be ruled by Nightmare Moon, and Velvet & Night Light would have never kissed at the Enchantment Under the Sea Pony Dance.
5520710
She would be kind of annoying to have around :P
This is fun. Would love to see more of the passion develop in Night Light's otherwise cool and collected logic in later chapters. This ship isn't seaworthy yet, but I like the way it is building.
Or he could make an excuse and not bother to go anyway.
I smell a major conflict in the near future. Something is going down at this party.
my tail's a'twitchin
Twilight seems a tad shallower than I expected/hoped this time around. I can understand her getting annoyed with Night Light's social awkwardness, but I also feel like she would have expected that more since she invited him to this party. I do like Night Light's scene afterwards though, especially as he is beginning to adapt socially. Having him befriend Fancy Pants was a nice touch. Also I love his reactions to his unfiltered emotions. I'm intensely curious with what happens next!
Yeeesh, I always thought of Twilight Velvet as a closet swordsmare.
Why does Night Light remind me of Spock?
5698919
I put a little bit of Spock and Data into Night Light. You caught my trekkie influence.
5698878 Swordsmare?
5698935 I imagine Twilight Velvet as a closet swordsmare because she reminds me of Lyn from the sixth Fire Emblem game.
5698929 Speaking of Spock, the way that you portrayed Night Light was definitely a tribute, wasn't it?
5699009
Well all 4 chapters were written while Leonard Nimoy was alive, but Spock was part of the inspiration for my interpretation of Night Light.
Nice to see Twilight's side of the night- my faith in her as a character restored! That was an interesting exchange between Twilight and Sundance- I wonder if Sundance stays her carefree self in the future, or if the snobbish impression is a foreshadowing of future behavior? I'm interested to see where you take this scene.
You only say that because Maud hasn't been born yet.
Oh, Velvet is so in denial. I think it's awesome that she reads so much into what Night Light says too. He totally reminds me of my family, who are all engineers and act just like that, albeit with a sense of humor and at least a little bit of social awareness.
5520710 But then Twilight isn't born and the world ends every six months! Plus, MLP doesn't happen!
Well I like Aragon's take on it, where Velvet is constantly sending Night Light death threats and he responds with love letters. But that's literally the only other story I've read about Twilight's parents, so I really don't have much to go off. The Daring Done series I believe it was.
5698919 Because he's totally Spock. If Equestria has a Q why wouldn't they have a Spock?
Despite what she says, Velvet is totally full of herself. Maybe Night Light will help her change that.
5775482 Maybe Sundance is Sunset Shimmer's mom. That would be cool.
5962484 What about Kirk?
How is Sunset Shimmer in this story!?
5962548
Most def.
I wanted Velvet to be likable and relate-able but also really stuck up.
5962484
Very true. I should have someone draw him with Vulcan eyebrows and pointy ears.
#notracist #someofmybestfriendsarevulcans
5962786
What ABOUT Kirk?
5962786
She's not. But because of her color scheme and her relationship to Velvet, she just about fits in timeline wise to be Sunset's mom.
I may write something about Sunset's past, but her past is not today
#iamsosorry
5963465
Sundance is a fit to be Sunset's mom. Just to be clear. My comment looked like I was saying Sunset was Sunset's mom.
inb4tardis
Interesting insights! That also explains Twilight's reaction to Night Light being with Fancy Pants. I like how Night Light is still trying to maintain his analytical nature while losing control. It is very true how passionate kissing doesn't make sense until you experience it- that passage was nicely done. I was initially a little confused with Third Watch's dialogue at the beginning, but it made sense when I read it a second time. Interested to see how you bring Twilight and Night Light to the next level- would also love some Night Light history!
Yay, Spock Light returns!
I bet Fancy Pants takes Nightlight out for a night on the town and Velvet catches him drunk and making out with one of the cheerleaders. Or something along those lines.
Alternatively, Velvet tries to make a move on him and he's completely oblivious.
"And now, Night Light, first thing in the morning we're going to the Royal Family Services, present your case, and have your father arrested for gross psychological and emotional neglect."
Am I the only one thinking Sundance Glimmer is Sunset Shimmers mother? I mean I know it's obvious but seriously.
Good read by the way!
I wrote up a review of this fic for another site, so I felt it was only fair to share it with you so you can perhaps use it to improve.
I really wanted to like this. I love Night Light and Twilight Velvet stories, and I really wanted to see if this story was enjoyable.
Unfortunately, all I came away with was the impression that this fic needs work.
The first thing that struck me was the first-person POV, which isn't automatically bad, but the fic doesn't use it very well. The first-person perspective switches frequently back and forth between Night Light and Twilight Velvet, for one thing, and while there are at least distinct chapter/scene breaks to alert the reader to them, they're still jarring and not terribly smooth. For another, the narrative can't keep its tenses straight, and it lapses back and forth between past and present tense often enough to be annoying.
Far more annoying however was the apparent lack of knowledge about what belongs in the same paragraph or not. I lost count of the number of times Night Light and Twilight Velvet (or any two characters really) were having some conversation, and one character would do some action or have some thoughtful commentary in the same paragraph that the other character is speaking. It's aggravating as all hell, and between that and extremely minimal use of dialogue tags it becomes very difficult to discern who exactly is talking sometimes.
Spelling and grammar errors are relatively rare, but noticeable, with excessive/improper use of commas being the most frequent offender. An example line:
At least two of those commas are not only unnecessary, but technically incorrect as well.
There was also one particularly grating spelling error in chapter three, where the phrase "one's self" is used instead of "oneself," and there were a few occasions where a number was used instead of writing out the actual word, which is generally frowned on in prose. But beyond that, nothing truly horrible jumped out at me as far as spelling and grammar.
Characterization-wise, Night Light is a complete robot. It feels like he was supposed to basically be like Spock, but all he manages to do is spout a lot of big words and emotionless, overly-formal dialogue. At least until his big emotional breakdown following a fairly typical 'stuck up nerd gets drunk at a college party' sequence, anyway. It's incredibly dull and boring and I find myself unable to empathize with him.
Twilight Velvet isn't quite as bad, but she's not at all how I would have pictured her personally: she's arrogant, bitchy, and quick to jump to conclusions on emotional whims, and while I like that this story kept with the idea that Velvet's (eventual) career is as a fiction writer, it's hard to sympathize and root for her when the first significant thing she does on the subject is get pissed off at Night Light for giving her a (harsh but fair and thorough) professional critique of her work where her professors were merely letting her off easy by critiquing her like a student. Nothing is more annoying than authors who respond to criticism by getting pissed off at the person critiquing.
All in all I was kind of underwhelmed. It's not terrible, but it's not that great either. I can see that the fic's unfinished at the moment, so perhaps it will improve, but considering the most recent chapter included a disjointed and overdramatic flash forward to "oh I'm SO mad at him I never want to see him again" teen drama, I'm not super compelled to keep following it.
If there is improvement, though, I might give it another chance.
--CG
(Also I find it incredibly ironic that a fic where the driving premise is Night Light serving as an editor to Velvet is itself in such dire need of editing.)
6135258
Thank you for taking the time to write a long and well thought out critique. If I wish to improve at writing, then this is the sort of outside analysis I need. I will digest the points you made and continue to make improvements.
Keep in mind, I write in my spare time. Often during lunch breaks at work on my phone. Also, much like Twilight Velvet, I am in need of an editor for all of the grammar and formatting errors you pointed out.
The only big point of contention for me is the dialogue tags. I don't use them very often because the creative writing training that I have received instructed me to remove them. The voice of the characters should be able to allow the reader to distinguish the speaker. Obviously I haven't done a good enough job establishing the individual voices if there is some confusion in the dialogue.
I would touch on all of what you said, but I do not want to come across as arguing your points or defending myself against criticism. Instead I will simply keep in mind what I can learn from your observations for the future.
Thank you again for taking the time to do this,
-Mani~Roar
6135258
May I get a link to the website you wrote the article for?
6135356
Oh, it was nothing prestigious, just the mlp board on 4chan. There's a fimfiction general thread I keep up with there and someone asked about your fic since it was in the feature box, so I decided to take a look at it for 'em.
And about dialogue tags, not using them is fine, and you're right, keeping them to a minimum is a good idea (though I would argue that eliminating them entirely is a bit excessive), but the point I was getting at was that when one character is saying something, another character shouldn't be doing something in the same paragraph. It gives an inherent (and incorrect) implication that the speaking character is doing those things, and when that happens, on top of minimal/no dialogue tags, it creates unnecessary confusion about who is saying/doing what.
So to use a moment from their dinner not-date as an example, if Velvet is saying things, and Night Light cuts her off by slamming a hoof on the table and talking over her, then you need a new paragraph at the moment Night Light takes over the 'action', so to speak.
6135546
Oh ok, a /mlp/ thread. No wonder the views shot up by like 200 in the last few days.
Man, I can't believe it has been a month since I checked this story!
As for why she's mad and calling Night Light a "greedy opportunist", I have no idea
I eagerly await the next update!
I am going to put this in my rereads folder and reread it at some point, after which I might give it a review, but yes, I enjoyed it. And if you think you can give this fic a purposeful epilogue I would more then welcome it. As for the ending, not very original, but it works and it fits with the rest of the story. I have no complaints about it, it wraps the story up quite nicely.
Read perfect match as perfect math class.
i.ytimg.com/vi/X4zl_ZxYPsU/maxresdefault.jpg
[aplauso]
Welp, I've swept through it in one go, dedicating quite some time and effort into this little, precious gem.
Effort because the Night Light-Parts gave me, as a foreign reader, a legitimate headache due to the rather... complex wording.
But I kept going! I kept going, just because it's gut!
While I do have to say the ending was rather anticlimatic, my interest and enjoyment in general we're pretty high.
Nicely done, well rounded and a good read.
Well done!
Solid nice wrap up, if a little fast and a little anti-climatic.
Isn't it crazy that I felt like rereading this story two days ago ?
Anyways, I really enjoyed it, especially the contrast between Night Light and Twilight's way of speaking. The ending was enjoyable too, but a little too fast paced in my opinion.
If you can think of a suitable epilogue, go on !
*applauds*
A solid wrap-up with good advice from Celestia, very cute.
My only complaint is about Peer Review. It's great that he and Night Light reconciled and clarified their feelings for each other. But this is a stallion who's research was so overwhelmingly important that he forced his son to become self-sufficient at the age of 5, but now Peer Review has time to date a mare? Did he finish all his research and now he is retired, or is it just that both research and his own emotional needs come before his son?
6135356 sequel please!
That ending was perfect in an unsatisfying way. Perfect because of course that's just how it would go with Night Light, but I was still kind of hoping for something more--for you to pull the rug out from under us and do something crazy. In other words, it was a great ending, but not what I expected.
Alternate title for this story: "Sundance Glimmer saves Equestria".
Also, I wonder if she's related to our latest villainess...