- Member Since 15th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Dec 20th, 2022
Lord Krahtorra
Making a game, writing a book, doing a screenplay, writing a fanfic, nothing is beneath this pleb!
Lord Krahtorra
Joined 15th Jan, 2015 ·
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Princess Cougar has struck again!
But seriously, you need to go here and learn from these people: School for New Writers
I gotta agree with 5510214 here. You should really consider checking out their lectures if you're new to writing.
Anyways, I will be providing a review of your story description. This is often the key part of a story that determines whether a person will read it or not, and generally gives someone their first impression of a fic. Let's see if if the average user will want to read this fic, shall we?
Just a heads up: having the only tags on your story be sex, gore, anthro, and human doesn't look to good, as those don't necessarily tell me the genre of the story; it just makes it look like a very generic fic.
Right off the bat, you don't have any cover art. This is a really minor thing, but it usually makes a fic look nicer and more appealing.
So, that's your description, huh? While it could make for a good base for your description, it just sounds like a standard adventure story right now. You might wanna expand it a bit, as it's really short.
I know that a description is supposed to ignite a sense of interest and curiosity about a story, but this just doesn't really do it for me. Who the heck is Caith? There are the sentences that suggest that he's unnatural and made for war, but that is just a really generic concept; yeah, it suggests what he is, but it doesn't really tell me about who Caith is. Because I don't have a single clue about who he is, I'm not drawn in or especially interested in reading this fic. Try to see if you can offer a hint or two about his personality.
Also: The 'salt the wound' part feels really out of place.
As it is, I will not be reading this fic, and I've stated my reasons why. It doesn't really give me any incentive to do so, and I really don't wanna put myself through reading 8,000 words that I probably wouldn't enjoy. There isn't anything that just pops or catches my eye with your description. Who knows, it could be some masterpiece in disguise, but it certainly doesn't look it.
But hey, maybe some of your possible future stories will look more promising. Writing over 8,000 words shows that you have dedication. I wish you luck on improving your writing skills!
An odd twist if I do say so myself. But I like it.
5513446 Thanks
5510553 I suck at descriptions... T_T
5510553 found a net pic, will work for now till I get a scanner
5510214 Lol, thanks, I'm flattered you decided to look at my fic
5510553 Salt the wound is a reference to one of Caith's clone parents/dna givers, Krieg, I do not expect you to read it as you seem uninterested IN the borderlands franchise
5513446 What exactly did you like about my story?
5515576 TURN AROUND PRETTY LADY!
This seems like a great story.
5515692 thanks!
More please
5515839 Working on it bro, chillax
Uhhh okay, I gotta be honest: I can see a lot of good ideas here and it certainly helps that the protagonist has a mission but the first chapter feels very rushed. I'm also not so fond of the shattered remnants of the Fourth Wall lying around. I like comedy stories but those things need... how to put it? space to breathe. Also, Caith is so straightforward that it strikes me as unrealistic. A tormented soul would more likely be either cynical or apathetic. I mean, the honesty is not a surprise but opening up like this is not exactly the same thing.
I've always found X-23 from X-Men a good example for a clone bred for war. Maybe this might help you to add more dimensions to your character.
"I have heard that rollercoasters make people scream and vomit. I want to try it." (X-23 in: The Killing Dream)
Maybe the story is just not my taste, I don't know. I've always preferred an intact Fourth Wall. *shrugs*
Upvote for potential.
5519638 swy I'm looking for an editor, bruh
Stimpack...
is he from fallout?
5519780 eeyup
5519800 yay!
Good:
Ohhhh, so good, I don't know why. But it is! It has a great sense of humour and a nicely ironed out plot. The romance is cute and i dont know why but I love the firestep as it is just how twilight could fix things. He is OP with teleporting. Twilight can just teleport and use magic but never does and it shows what it would be like and tbh i like that. The fourth wall is broken and I like that. Comedy in the 4th wall is brilliant.
Bad:
Hm, this is hard but maybe a little clean up on grammar and spelling and a little bit more use of interesting adjectives and qualifiers. An editor could fix all this but hey, they are hide to find. :P
Nothing else i can find wrong but hey this is my first review but it is necessary to tell you how much i LOVE this story. Hope next chapter is in the works bro! Have fun.
5540230 Thanks bro! Working on it now!
Good to hear! Can't wait.
5540373 Going to take a while...pc got fried and am doing this on my lunch
That sucks man, Hope you get a new pc soon!
5540380 Saving upto fix fried parts, thank god the memory wasn't messed up...
So, kudos to a borderlands X, that game is so much fun.
You do a lot of telling through the characters here. What I mean is that you're very speech heavy in this, lots and lots of dialogue. Some of the sentence structure could use some work. You have a solid idea here but you should find an editor.
5566466 Looking for one... also need a new pc...
You are going to make a scotaloo joke aren't you?
5790097 hmm?
KAy.
No sense, no reason.
I love it XD
an admiral trait
--> an admirable trait
Though I'm pretty sure Admirals should be loyal as well.
the Curse of the Cucoo's!!
5795057 lol, it's actually due to a curse, so kudos mccooky 4 u!
5795476 I just thought of the effect of when you attract a cucoo too may times that they all attack you, and unless you jump into water they can kill you. Or I'm just the sweek you heard while typing. Don't mind me, I'm just making French Toast.
Pretty good, funny and I sense a secondary story with George and John :P That's nice to look out for, also I'm British and sad the IRA are involved in ponyvile (jokes) But was gr9 m9.
To dougan from parasprites https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ySJ1Z5o8y5w
6324406 lol,my thoughts exactly.
6347086 I called my buddy in Florida told him to read this chapter then my comment he laughed really hard I said isn't that funny as hell
6349534 yes it is.
This should be interesting enough
6350471 KO hope your working on the next chapter for this story to be more awesome than before.
Why is it canceled
7571810
ummm... I lost my notes for the storyline... I'm sorry... I didn't wanna trouble people with working on it to fix the problem with me...
7666585 its ok i hope you bring the story back
7667042 trying
8956038
Lost notes on the story, i am not cancelling it in the event someone wants to take it over