- Member Since 15th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Dec 20th, 2022
Lord Krahtorra
Making a game, writing a book, doing a screenplay, writing a fanfic, nothing is beneath this pleb!
Lord Krahtorra
Joined 15th Jan, 2015 ·
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I am confused
PSA: Starting a Displaced story with "you know the drill," while somewhat justified, lowers the expectations for your story by about 20%.
7565408 I'd be happy to help, what's wrong?
7566290 would you mind helping me think up a better synopsis?
What's he displaced as?
7603241 Cabadath
7603285 Never heard of him.
I haven't read the first chapter and I'm not going too as many others will do the same. Do you know the main reason for this, if not I'll tell you, you've given me no reason to, the discription of your story is among the worst I have ever seen, and by the way the description is a big part of getting people to pick up your story, it's your first impretipn and you've used it to say "I'm something compleatly unoriginal and uninventive" why would I want to read that. Anyway my advice to you is to work on the discription.
is this based on another story that's already running? or is the reason that there are two displaced in the story going to be explained later on? because Jace story seems more interesting right now
7603315 Cabadath is basically victorian era slenderman, look up chzo mythos
7603426 author's note bruh
7603373 if I give you a brief description of the plot, will you help me do a synopsis?
7603426 also it is incomplete
7603373 I apologize, synopsis writing is not my strong suit at the best of times, and my power is buggy atm
7603613 I would offer my assistance if not for the fact that I'm curantly restricted to my phone, and I don't blame you, wrighting discriltoons is hard I'm just saying that you should sctualy tell people something about your chracter and give a story hook. At the moment all you have is, " this is a displaced story." (paraphrasing of coarse)
7603669 I get ya, hmm... I just don't wanna spoil anything major
7603677 I'd suggest going and reading the descriptions of some of the more popular displaced stories to see what they did.
7603785 kk, will do
7602992 So in order to write a better synopsis, first one must consider the story itself. As such, and my apologies for the wall of text, but I’m going to try and dissect what I see while being as brief as I can be.
To be entirely fair, there have been worse opening lines out there. Granted, a fair number of them are actually created as a part of an annual writing contest designed around deliberately making the worst opening lines…
…damn, wrong message. How about I word this a bit more reassuringly? It’s not the worst opening line I have ever seen on this site. Better?
Let’s be Frank
Slenderman, Ace Attorneyfor a moment. Caps Lock is cruise control for cool. It’s a rule of the Internet for a reason. Generally speaking, it’s used mainly for literally depicting shouting, i.e. the Royal Canterlot Voice, CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS [DOOMED VENTURE HERE] YEAH!, or God forbid the Cutie Mark Crusaders credo spoken in the Royal Canterlot Voice. It’s also useful for writing any dialogue for Homestuck’s own murder cherub, Caliborn, as that is basically his writing quirk, but that’s mainly unimportant trivia at the moment.When overused or improperly used, it comes across as evidence of a lack of talent.
In this case, in addition to that, you placed three ellipses before a relatively undramatic reveal. It’s a shot trigger for the basic/baseline fanfiction drinking games; and no, that is not a good thing.
Spacing consistency – when separating paragraphs from one another, you should try to decide on a singular format. Putting a line of empty space between paragraphs at irregular intervals is not only confusing for the reader, but tends to break the immersion of your story. Inconsistencies made without a purpose in mind make the reader question how much effort you put into the story.
Giving you credit where credit is due, at least the merchant isn’t dressed as the goddamn Resident Evil 4 merchant.
Pop culture references – while these can be witty and amusing, take care not use them to replace vital descriptions. Take the following line for instance:
To those who have heard any of those particular voice clips, it registers clearly. Everyone else, on the other hand, will be scratching their heads wondering, “Who the hell is David Near, and what does he sound like? Does he have a high voice? A deep one? Does he sound jolly or sinister? Smooth or nasally?” While the odd reader may pop off to do a Google search, you’ve broken the immersion either way. Try to use references as descriptive bolsters, not the description itself.
Of course, you can describe characters without “reference gambling” at all:
Moving right along…
To be fair, while the concept of someone casually accepting an offer of a five-dollar tie coming with a free four-bladed scythe without some kind of a reaction is absolutely ridiculous, I have read a Displaced story where the protagonist bought [sic] “a genuine diamond sword” for twenty bucks. Again, not the worst I’ve read, but it’s not good. While I am on this quote, I’ll note the delivery of the black out is horrendously rushed. You could, in a separate sentence, say that the second his hand touched the scythe everything went dark, and that would be fine.
The potential for this scene as nightmare fuel is, at the moment, largely unrealized. This is due to the run-on sentence and rushed delivery. Do not be afraid to expand your descriptions.
I like the bait-and-switch approach you took here – instead of a slender man Displaced, like the costume suggested, you completely changed the protagonist’s actual costume upon arrival. Not counting all the instances where plastic armor becomes real steel as a costume change, as that is a costume upgrade, as in actually switching the costume. I don’t think I’ve actually seen this particular twist before. Thirty points for originality.
…though there should be some context as to who Cabadath is. A brief explanation of who he is, where he came from, and whatnot overlaid over an otherwise slow moment in the narrative (such as while walking towards the Everfree’s exit) would work well as opposed to right when his thoughts are interrupted by the manticore. In the same vein, just before the armor comes into play, try having your character take an aside to explain his knowledge of the armor, as well as his attempt to summon it. If the explanation for how the protagonist is able to use these new powers is that he has theoretical knowledge of how it all works, have it mentioned in-universe. Have him believe that because he knows that it can work, he should try it for himself. A moment of pleasant surprise when it does work, and there you go.
(Note: try to let the protagonist have some difficulty with mastering these powers. Having theoretical knowledge of how aiming a gun works does not mean you’re Frank Slenderman, Ace Sharpshooter.)
I’ll admit, the story itself does seem to be taking pains to try and set itself apart from the rank-and-file Displaced story. One last thing before I discuss writing a synopsis:
Using art as a descriptive bolster is acceptable. It is NOT a substitute for description is a bad idea. Most readers don’t actually read a story on-site – they download a txt, html, or ePub copy and read it that way. It’s convenient in how it allows for offsite reading as well as eliminating the need to click ‘next page’ every time a chapter ends. The former reason is the important one here: embedded images will not show up unless the file is opened when the Internet is accessible. Even if your readers are online and can see the images, however, the armored Cabadath takes up way too much space on the screen. Try using descriptions instead. They are your friends.
And finally, what makes a good synopsis. You know those unique elements I was noting above? Even if your story is the most innovative fucking thing since the microchip, presenting it as a part of the rank-and-file is immediately going to make people assume such brilliant strokes are missing, and that it’s going to a cringeworthy trope-fest. When writing a synopsis, you don’t need to summarize the story. However, you should try to present the premise of the story in an interesting way.
For instance, you could upload a picture of the slender man as the cover photo, and make the synopsis imply that the protagonist gained the body of the slender man. HOWEVER. You should not outright state it as fact. Mentioning the new tentacles, blank face, and impressive height your protagonist gains (perhaps with a bit more descriptive spin) could help accomplish this. Play to the individualities of the story, and you’ll be golden.
the Bold word thing screwed up, might need to fix
Uh... the Story's good, but you seemed to crock up at Vic's visit. The latter half of it is nothing but bolded text and it kinda hurts to try and figure out who's talking.
7666943 trying to fix, pain in the arse
7649075 welcome to fanfiction? Also, this is a double displaced, Cabadath AND Slenderman, their powers are intertwining and mutating inside him, making something new
BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! >:)
Please update....
i love it [insert horse mask here]
yay
great chapter.
Good job can't wait to see the next chapter
Celestia you need to wake up. WAR was just declared and you're acting like it's just a small argument over a cup of tea. That Changeling JUST said that both of your kingdoms will be wiped out by dragon fire! Get your head out of the sun and look at what's going on!
8112981 yeah, I would reply, but spoilers! lol
8035111 thank you! :)
I find this story greatly entertaining
8242566
Thanks!
8244367
More soon please
I'm not sure how to feel about this chapter. On one hand the fight was decent and the 'first god' and his friends were interesting. On the other the 'Mother' and moving the kingdom to another dimension felt like it came right out of left field. Oh well, it's still a good chapter.
8274754
I've actually been building up to that, you know the TV static monster from before? That's Mother
8275292
Ah, okay. thanks for clearing that up.
8275323
And Zalgo is basically a world eater in this fic, so... they could not afford him getting AllFather Oak. else he'd be able to consume universes at a time.
8275378
I don't really know anything about Slender lore so I'll just take your word for it. We are talking about residents of the Void here so even if he wasn't one to begin with he gained the power to become one.
Tall Man... Four-Bladed Scythe... Evil entity from beyond...
...Is this a Chzo Mythos crossover?? O!o
7603285
OH SHIT IT IS CHZO MYTHOS!!
I should totally read this! :D
8388440
lol, I sort of mashed the two of them up.
do u plan to continue this story?
9709342
it is the end of his story, might resume the continuation some day
Edit: actually, imma look for someone to take over this story
Oh hey it's a Ben Drowned reference