- Member Since 30th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 3rd, 2021
Sorcerer
I'm not a writer looking to change hearts and minds. I'm just a guy looking to spread a little magic here and there. So, sit back and enjoy the show!
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I had trouble getting into the story because of the overuse of ellipses. Honestly, I didn't get very far in before my main focus was the hoard of dots on my screen.
The premise is actually pretty interesting, I read the description and was interested. You know, there are other ways to show a pause in dialog other than ellipses, such as using comas or a period to actually end a thought. Also too many pauses can actually drag out dialog and make it seem boring.
For example in this sentence:
The middle ellipse is best replaced with a coma and the end ellipse is just unnecessary. The sentence should read:
No way, another dragon. or you could end the sentence with an exclamation mark to show Spike's surprise.
Hope this helps!
Thanks guys for the advice! I'll put it to good use in the next chapter!
5452844 I didn't even notice all of them till I read the comments, once I did I reread it and phew their are quite a few that could be replaced or removed.
Edited the first chapter. I was actually surprised by how many ellipses I had! (Not certain what I was thinking on that one whoops.)
New chapter! (Finally... haven't been getting a lot of time lately.)
Instead of merely adding all characters in the list above right off the bat. I felt It would be better to reveal the characters as the story progresses to show I'm adding more content. (Just an idea of mine...)
why do I get the feeling that the "dragons" that attacked his village were secretly changelings that wanted to give their public a reason to exterminate the dragons by pretending it was a war the dragons started...
Okay, lets see where this goes ends up.
Really rushing through this story, aren't we? This arc started up only two chapters ago, and with next to no progression of the main character, we're already near the end
PS that author's note really should've been at the top, since it's supposed to be told to us before we read the chapter
5535113 It's nowhere near the end. I had said so in the previous chapter, but I can't spoil anything. I have a lot still planned for this arc.
5535567 I'm just making sure you realize this, but you do know that stories can have multiple arcs, right? because an arc ion this context is simply a section of a story that has a three part structure: build-up (twilight being captured) , confrontation (self-explanatory), and resolution (everything after the battle)
I did not say that narrative/overal arc was over, only the arc you presented here
5536265 Ah, I apologize. I thought you meant the whole story entirely. Yes, I wanted to get this part over with. This tid-bit, while it was quick, I added for build-up to later events in this part of the story. Once again I apologize for the misinterpretation, my bad.
5536655 it's fine, I've had plenty of misunderstandings like that (a recent one even had him call me a troll for HIS misunderstanding of what I said) as long as we all get to a point where we understand each other, it's all water under the bridge
5536668 Thank you, I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for your support and input! Hopefully you'll stick around, because seeing people just read my stories makes me excited!
5536685 well of course! It's not that often we have an author that'll continue a story for more than a few chapter, let alone one that makes my favorite character into such a badass (or at least potentially)
5536699 You flatter me kind sir. I shall fulfill your request for badassery to the best of my ability!
5536707 that's more than I could honestly hope for (especially seeing some of the other stories on here)
If I remember correctly there is a species of bloodsuckers from myth that many confuse for vampires, but they were able to do everything a vampire couldn't including move around in daylight, these beasts were enemies of the Vampires and despite needing to feed on blood were far from evil.
5537567 Impressive, good sir! I'm surprised you caught onto that lesser known aspect of lore! Granted, I have put a little twist on it as you can tell. I will go into further detail about Fluttershy's "condition" in later chapters.
There's a term for a ship crew which has a government commission to attack the enemies of their nation (and usually allowed to keep the profits of those attacks): Privateer.
5556323 I'm aware of the terminology... I was just being whimsical in my wording for slight comedic effect. Thank you for the support though! It's really great to know people are reading!
Hey guys! Just wanted to give an update on my writing!
I've been quite busy these past few weeks, but I've been brainstorming for days now trying to plan out everything. Fairly soon I will post a new chapter, but you just got to be patient! Thanks to everyone who is supporting this story!
You're talking to him as if he's in a city he knows very well; it's the first time he's ever even HEARD of this city, let alone be in it! HE HAD NO IDEA IT WAS A DEAD END, YOU FUCK!!! And he wouldn't've even been there if your boy hadn't left him in the crowd! if anything, it was your fault he was there!
PS I might be wrong here, but if I'm not mistaken, an assassin (in the context of the story) is a person who is hired, specifically, to kill someone, while a mercenary is someone hired to do something unethical... and in that sense, an assassin is a type of mercenary, and those mercenaries were NOTHING MORE than hired assassins
5625757
Listen, just say it nicely as constructive criticism rather than calling me a fuck please. I enjoy criticism, but I don't appreciate pointless cursing for a small error that I can easily fix.
5625757
I fixed it now, but you've suddenly had a change in character friend... I thought we were okay. I apologize if I did anything to offend you.
5628948 I was calling the character a fuck, I was angry at the time, and that incident didn't help
5629489
Oh my god lol I'm sorry mate I thought you meant something else my bad.
100 views!
I want to thank all of you, whether you've watched it from the beginning, or if you've just started. Thank you so much for all of your helpful comments, your support, and your time (that could have been spent reading another fic...). I will be releasing the next chapter later tonight (well... "tonight" for me anyways... I'm not sure what time it will be for readers at home). I hope you guys will stick around, because I'm far from finished!
Thanks a bunch!
-Sorcerer
5660797 what's the pairing here?
5663116
Primarily Fluttershy and Spike at first. Although his attention is drawn to other characters in the story too. In actuality, it is is more of a story that focuses on the relationships of the various characters I've created and their interactions with Fluttershy, Spike, and the some of the original cast from MLP. This story will be big... very big, and will eventually incorporate not only as much of the original lore of MLP as I can put into it, but feature my own ideas and my own new lore that I've created for this story. (Keep in mind that I take a lot of inspiration from classic forms of lore, which I will reference constantly in my story). This story will feature almost all of the Mane 6 in time (but I don't want to spoil... ;) ) So in conclusion, I guess you wouldn't really call it a pairing exactly.
Sorry if I tend to ramble, but this is really the best way I can put it! Thanks for the question!
Alright I'm not sugar coat it here with my criticism, this first chapter seemed a little too fast-paced for me. One moment we're at the library, the next we are at a port, and finally we're aboard a pirate ship in only a single chapter that consisted of about 2000 words. To me the first chapter is the most important in which you grab the reader's attention and if the first chapter is too fast it'll blow over a reader's head which almost did for me. Take for example Twilight's and Spike's argument: Its about how Spike thinks Twilight is being a prissy princess, because she had to go see Celestia at a ball. To me I would think that Spike had lived with Twilight long enough to be used to her behavior by now from MLP canon, but in the story's case that is not the situation. So I believe there must have been other events in this story's past that must have made Spike the way he is today, but the story does not address these issues yet which leaves me confused as a reader.
However there is the chance that more back story in future chapters since I have only begun reading, but in my opinion I don't really enjoy that kind of storytelling too much. A little background info at the beginning would go a long way in helping readers understand just what is going on in Spike's mind before, during, and after the argument with Twilight so we can relate/understand his actions better.
However I'm going to keep reading, because A) Spike is a main character in this story and B) From what I have seen in other comments there is gonna be a little bit of FlutterSpike shipping going on this the story which I approve of that ship and C) Pirates... nuff' said.
Good luck with this story and remember the connection between Reader and Character is incredibly important. It can either make or break a story.
Alright gotta make another review for this chapter. Bluntly I love it, but I am also disappointed by it. I'll start off with the stuff that I loved about it first, I loved the way you created the lore behind the Blacklands for the story especially with the poem part it did what the first chapter couldn't do on its own and that was getting me interested in the story as a whole.
Now for the part that I didn't like: Draven telling Spike about his past this early on in the story. This could have been done with a little more finesse in my opinion had you had Draven just tell Spike that he knew his father and knew where he was currently located at and maybe douse this explanation with a couple of white lies to keep Spike's Royal lineage a secret from him until later down the path of the story. Maybe have Draven hint that there is even more to Spike than what he truly is in later chapters to have readers guessing as to what it is and theorizing things that could or could not be true.
Then there was Spike's reaction, he just figures out in a span of under an hour that he has a father that may be still alive and that the Captain of this pirate ship is on a journey to find him and to top it all off he is of royal bloodline. If I was Spike I would have stopped Draven right there exit the cabin and brace myself against the side railing of the ship while staring down at the water as I try to re-evaluate my life. I mean this is a pretty big bomb that was just dropped on Spike and he should have acted a little more skeptical in my opinion at all of this.
So long story short: The story is still a little fast in my opinion, but the lore you're adding to it is pretty interesting. So good luck in future chapters.
5799310
Thank you very much good sir! Your constructive criticism will help a lot in shaping the next chapters. I really, really appreciate your input, and I hope to give you exactly what you want in the next chapters!
Stin really has some... bizarre, potentially troubling techniques at his disposal, doesn't he?
All black glowing eyes and stuff.
An interesting story, to be sure. Definitely has a lot of potential at this point. After starting this a couple days ago, I can definately say that your writing ability has improved alot since chapter one. All the small details in the lore really give it a certain feel that feels... complete. The only issues I have are a few pacing and continuity concerns. There are times where it seems like characters are just given information or that they simply know what's going on at all times (that could also just be me accidently skipping sentences at 3am). And as far as an update schedule goes... Ovbiously life comes first, but don't feel pressured to update for the sake of updating, or feel like you have to shoot for a chapter a week or something (just going off the data, it seems like you post every 10 days or so). Personally, I'm rather impressed that you've put together such a captivating story in such a short time... 20 chapters in 4 months is astonishing (my opinion on that is probably skewed by the fact that I've only written two chapters over a span of three years). But getting back to what I was saying... or was going to say... DON'T LET THIS STORY DIE! I can tell you've invested alot into putting this together. The arena fights alone greatly expanded your world from Equestria and the Blacklands to most of the populated world (which, if I'm not mistaken, foreshadows the areas where the other stones are kept).
I do have one burning question however: What ever happened to Spike's doppelganger from chapter 1? Please tell me that's going to be some major thing that's going to pop up later and wasn't just some way to fast-track out heroes onto a pirate ship... Cause I've been waiting for not-Spike to show back up and be an inconvenience again.
6008637
Thanks a lot for your input, I really do appreciate a good comment like that one, it helps me in later chapters, and improves my content! Also, Spike's doppelganger will come into play in later story arcs, but until then, I can't say anything! (Cause I want it to have some shock value.) Also, my schedule is pretty tight (being that I'm still in school), and I really do try to release chapters weekly if I can, but I'm just one guy. Still, it's people like you that really inspire me to keep writing, and I want to give you the best content I can make. So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you!
P.S: I really do hope you'll stick around for the next arc! Here's a little hint for you... the gang is going to Ausrüstung! (It's gonna be steampunk!)
Wow! 200 views! I really, really appreciate all of your support! I love this community, not just because we all watch mlp, but because we are a kind and supportive group of people. I promise, I will release the next chapter this weekend (as I am a little tied down at the moment). I've read all of the comments from the beginning, and I can see how much my little idea has grown over the months gone by. I really can't thank you guys enough. Looking back, I never expected I'd get this many views! Oh, gosh now I'm rambling... apologies. Thank you all so, so much!
Well... that's interesting.
Except Sombra, so far, hasn't really acted much like Sombra at all.
And... did Stin and Armandura just go easy on Spike's team?
6223745
Don't worry, it will all be explained in later chapters, arcs, etc. In fact, I even plan on giving Sombra his own short side story explaining his reformation.
That's actually pretty messed up. Cadance is keeping secrets from her husband, her military trained husband, about his doppleganger from one year later, who miraculously can be trusted with this, whereas her current husband cannot.
6249196
Yeah. In fact, there's a lot more to their relationship than just him working for her. (I'll explain it in later arcs!) Also, thanks for your comments and questions too Radical, it really allows me to share my ideas and enthusiasm.
6249571
Well... Cadance is still Shining's wife, even if it's him from the future... but... If they are engaging in a relationship... then, even though it's "still Shining" it's kind of... well cutting off present Shining to try to benefit his future self. It's... that would be really messed up, and this weird attitude that sorta isn't respectful to either Shining. Present Shining doesn't get honesty and trust, future Shining doesn't get to be the "real" Shining.
6249592
Yeah, when I thought this series up I never really intended it to be light-hearted. It's going to get darker as time goes on.
6249653
Yeah but... kinda funnels into this thing I see around where the princess of love seems to miss in the "love" category, treating her family (her husband, in laws, someone) with a failure to apparently care about them very much at all.
More please!
6313335
You read the first arc already?