Spike and Fluttershy accidentally end up on a pirate ship and embark a high-seas adventure to the mysterious Blacklands! Join Spike as he and his friends discover uncharted lands and go on a quest to destroy an ancient dark power before it awakens!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I had trouble getting into the story because of the overuse of ellipses. Honestly, I didn't get very far in before my main focus was the hoard of dots on my screen.
The premise is actually pretty interesting, I read the description and was interested. You know, there are other ways to show a pause in dialog other than ellipses, such as using comas or a period to actually end a thought. Also too many pauses can actually drag out dialog and make it seem boring.
For example in this sentence:
The middle ellipse is best replaced with a coma and the end ellipse is just unnecessary. The sentence should read:
No way, another dragon. or you could end the sentence with an exclamation mark to show Spike's surprise.
Hope this helps!
Thanks guys for the advice! I'll put it to good use in the next chapter!
5452844 I didn't even notice all of them till I read the comments, once I did I reread it and phew their are quite a few that could be replaced or removed.
Alright I'm not sugar coat it here with my criticism, this first chapter seemed a little too fast-paced for me. One moment we're at the library, the next we are at a port, and finally we're aboard a pirate ship in only a single chapter that consisted of about 2000 words. To me the first chapter is the most important in which you grab the reader's attention and if the first chapter is too fast it'll blow over a reader's head which almost did for me. Take for example Twilight's and Spike's argument: Its about how Spike thinks Twilight is being a prissy princess, because she had to go see Celestia at a ball. To me I would think that Spike had lived with Twilight long enough to be used to her behavior by now from MLP canon, but in the story's case that is not the situation. So I believe there must have been other events in this story's past that must have made Spike the way he is today, but the story does not address these issues yet which leaves me confused as a reader.
However there is the chance that more back story in future chapters since I have only begun reading, but in my opinion I don't really enjoy that kind of storytelling too much. A little background info at the beginning would go a long way in helping readers understand just what is going on in Spike's mind before, during, and after the argument with Twilight so we can relate/understand his actions better.
However I'm going to keep reading, because A) Spike is a main character in this story and B) From what I have seen in other comments there is gonna be a little bit of FlutterSpike shipping going on this the story which I approve of that ship and C) Pirates... nuff' said.
Good luck with this story and remember the connection between Reader and Character is incredibly important. It can either make or break a story.
Holy crap! This was great! A little fast, but great!