Spike and Fluttershy accidentally end up on a pirate ship and embark a high-seas adventure to the mysterious Blacklands! Join Spike as he and his friends discover uncharted lands and go on a quest to destroy an ancient dark power before it awakens!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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6386974
Just updated my story! Hope you like it!
6374928
Added the next chapter!
more please!
smoke!? why would he breath in smoke? it is very unhealthy.
6393740
He is an experiment gone wrong, it will all be explained in later chapters, don't worry! :D
6393759 yay! experimentation! the best kind of enemy is one gone wrong!
All right! Reviewing time with LateBronyWriter!
First off on you 'Pro' side I like your writing style! It combines character's words with their actions to quickly state what is going on in the scene. Your usage of adverbs such as 'as' to add things on also reminds me of my own writing style in many ways. Just don't be afraid to let your words speak for you and try and maintain your balance between speaking content and narration.
Second your sentences flow well together. Because you often stick to short sentences and statements it is easy to read the story and even easier to chain together back and fourths between your characters, which in turn allows you to write out a lot of actions in a short space.
In my opinion this is one of your story's strengths, it makes it very easy to get your thoughts out in sequence and type out a long passage that people can follow along with.
In a few cases this is quashed by your choice of language (I'll get to that later) I feel that your writing is perfect for short quick bursts of action that often follows an adventure story.
First on your 'con' side, is that your character's actions and words tend to get overly simplistic from time to time. You gloss over details and elaboration in favor of streamlining a fast paced action environment and in many cases that's perfectly fine.
However it should never be done to the point that it confuses your readers or leaves them expecting more. Add some asides to flesh out your character's emotions and thoughts, add some adjectives to their behavior to add context. Don't be afraid to add an occasional detail filled paragraph (This helps if it's at the beginning of a new scene) To paint a vivid picture of the surroundings.
I know that I'm on the complete other end of the spectrum where I write way too much, however I always know when to cut back so that it doesn't become too redundant. Just add some details to make your story more vivid.
Second, occasionally your characters seem to be a bit 'out of it' saying things that either are difficult to interpret, bland or simply out of character. You write quickly so it comes as no surprise to me that you would tend to say words how you would say them. However sometimes thinking of how Twilight would say something or just which words to get your thought across is important in a work. Without three dimensional vivid characters it is easy for people to lose interest in your story, because even cool action scenes can seem like a Michel Bay movie if they're executed by bland and tonged tied heroes to be. It's like the adage thoughts in gear before mouth in motion. Just put a bit more thought into characters' words in context and 'what would sound like something this character would say' before typing it out.
In summary you have the makings of a great story here, interesting scenery a new adventure with action and romance and Pirates! Everybody loves pirates!
However it is because the story shows potential tat it is that much more disappointing when it doesn't deliver. Plain and out of character wording, lack of details, writing that is difficult to follow on occasion And very noncable errors in punctuation make the story that much more difficult to read.
My prognosis, find a good pre-reader to read your story over, and listen to questions and concerns they ask. Then read back over your work and fill in the blanks, flesh out certain passages and clear up issues with it's structure and formatting.
I was at first very hesitant to go over my own work again and change anything, but it was only after a my pre-reader pointed out the first doze errors I realized what I fool I was. Going over my work for a second time AFTER someone else went over it helped expose the real problems in my writing and helped me to improve my work for the better.
Try and find an editor who likes your work and comments about it, because I've often found that the 'big time' readers rarely make time for 'small fry'. Find someone in your comments who likes your work and would be willing to go over it in a google docs for problems. And after you go over it a second time you'll find all the grime covering your work melting away, revealing the diamond underneath.
Sorry about the long comment, and I know that I'm asking a lot. But trust me a little effort and a little help from a friend will go a very long way towards improving the quality of your work. Do that and your work will get the credit it is due.
I guarantee it.
LateBronyWriter
6395303
Thank you so much for the review! I really do appreciate it! May I ask where I can get an editor? I'd really like to improve my work!
6395303
May I ask how far you are as well? My writing ability has improved since the first arc.
6395357
Like I said, try and find people like me (But not me! Sorry I'm way too busy with my own work!) Who like your writing, look for people who have favorite it or give noticeable comments. These are the people who would want to look at your work. This user Emerilion seems promising and possesses god powers of observation. As a plus he doesn't seem to have many extra activities on this site so it's more likely than not that he has free time that might allow him to proofread. To an extent even RadicalDishonesty seems like he'd be willing to help. He's not afraid to speak his mind and talk about what makes a story acceptable. Remember you're looking for people who would be willing to read yor work and give their own imput on it, just tell them to keep from changing more than two words per paragraph without making a comment in it, and make backups of your work in for reference.
Though for the most part the key to finding a trusty editor search around., most of the editors on the proofreading sites are busy, but there are plenty of proofreaders that would be willing to help you. Post thread on a group about pirates and you'll see how many 'volunteers' you'll get in an hour.
LateBronyWriter
6395394
Thanks, I'll get right on that. I re-reading my earlier chapters to fix subtle mistakes, phrasing, etc. I'll look for an editor, but until then, I'm going to edit my work. Thanks again for the help.
6395387 Well the way I write is that I first write out everything, my editor goes over it, then I go over it and then I post it. Part 1 is technically complete it jus hasn't been edited yet, and once I finish with part 2 he'll go over the chapters and i'll publish them as they get edited. That's my basic process so technically i'm halfway done with the entire MLP:BA project excluding any side stories I may construct.
LateBronyWriter
P.S. I checked your arc two and you are absolutely right, your quality is much better there! You do a great job of painting a picture of your characters and making them sound more realistic. But you still need to work on applying these concepts to your previous chapters, especially chapter one where most people start to read your work.
I still recommend an editor, if just for he purpose of cleaning up your work and their input will be invaluable in helping you move the quality of your writing up to the next step.
6008637
Hello Emerilion, I've gotten pretty far in my story so far, and I would like to have an editor to improve my work. Do you think you can help me out? It would really help a lot!
6395415 Don't mention it! Any time!
LateBronyWriter
6395421
Sorry to bother you again, but did you enjoy the premise and the lore? That was the part I really wanted your input on as well.
6395489 For me it was less about the lore and more about character and plot development. But yes, lore is a crucial part of making an adventure story both epic and fleshed out. I know that I enjoyed it.
LateBronyWriter
well, i can already tell that these two are gonna get along like a house on fire - lots of running around and screaming-.