• Member Since 30th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen September 12th

Sorcerer


I'm not a writer looking to change hearts and minds. I'm just a guy looking to spread a little magic here and there. So, sit back and enjoy the show!

T
Source

Meet Jonathan Star, a direct descendant of Regulus Star- Equestria's greatest wizard. After his father is moved to a new law firm in Canterlot, he transfers to The Equestria Academy of Magic, where he meets some pretty crazy students and staff and makes some interesting friends.

However, there's trouble afoot in The E.A.M. Students are disappearing with no explanation and as the looming threat of dark magic endangers the school, the teachers refuse to disclose information regarding the strange occurrences. Why? It's up to Jonathan and his friends to find out!

Note: When I thought up these characters, I imagined them in anime-style, but that's all up to the way you interpret my story! :twilightsmile:

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 65 )

6568157

Whoops! Thanks for pointing that out to me!

I liked how you made spike a combat trainer in this. nice job.

"Mom, I'll look dumb if I comb my hair." I groaned as my mom took a brush out of her purse and passed it back to me; urging me to brush my crimson-red hair.

You used hair twice here. Instead of using 'hair' a second time, try using an alternative word.

Sure, you could it on a postcard, but it just wasn't the same.

Time for a round of Spot The Typo.

"Oh, Jonathan! You'll look so handsome if you brush your hair to the side!" Mom, why did you always have to be difficult? I told her countless times before, "I like my hair the way it is!", but she wouldn't have it. I guess it was in her job description to disagree with me.

This sentence is very awkward.

Mom was a wizard once, but when she was a lot younger- before she had my sister and me.

Again, awkward sentence. Use fewer hyphens too.

The I let out a sigh of relief as the road began to straighten out, but then my body tensed up as I realized what that meant.

Spot The Typo.

"Johnny, Johnny look!" My sister Beth pointed out the window, and I looked to where she was pointing reluctantly.

Why was she pointing reluctantly?

That's as much as I can do for now. P.M. me later and I can help you more. No offense, but this needs a little help, bro.

MrB

i noticed that your oc character Jonathan Star is two letters short from having the same name as the manga/anime character Jonathan Jostar

6571887

I'm a huge fan of the series, but that wasn't actually intentional, and it didn't come to mind when I was brainstorming. His name is meant to be a shortened version of Starswirl, just to make it a more believable name. That's actually pretty funny, thanks for pointing that out! :rainbowlaugh:

MrB

6571976 when I first saw the name I thought it said Jonathan Jostar

6572022

Yeah, I don't think I'll change the name because I suspect one can assume it's not him based on the tags, and by reading the first chapter.

6572022

Also, might I add, your profile pic is gorgeously manly. :moustache:

MrB

6572059 thank you, you can find it on derpiboo.ru, just search up alex louis armstrong

6572266

Awesome, I'll check it out. Thanks for the like! Also, what are your first impressions regarding the first chapter? :twilightsmile:

I'm really liking this story so far.

6574282

Awesome, I'm glad to hear it! If I may ask, what did you enjoy about it? :twilightsmile:

6579893

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoy my work! :twilightsmile:

Honestly I'm really impressed so far. I personally was never a fan of the first person thing but you make it work well here.
The characters are well developed (Especially john), the writing flows relatively well and there is no sign of the broken speech and grammatical errors I saw in your first work this time around. I think one of the reasons for this is you are using original characters this time around where one of your issues was getting Fluttershy or Spike to sound like Fluttershy and Spike, while here you can create characters and paint in their details rather than just filling in the blanks.
As a side note it real does give off that 'anime inspired' feel that bleed into the characters, I actually pictured some of them in a more Hirohiko Araki style (More articulate muscles and dynamic shading) while reading which was a really good sign. All in all great job and definitely a marked improvement from some of your earlier work. Don't be discouraged by some of the criticism you've faced so far, from what i'm reading ere you're rapidly maturing into a very well round author. Take my advice, if your work is quality and it's something that you can be proud of then forget about the ratings and criticism.
Keep up the good work!
LateBronyWriter

6586884

Thank you, I've been waiting for some solid criticism and you delivered. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! I find it easier to create a narrative through an original character rather than a canon character because I put thought into my OC's and the voice I made for them. While I enjoy writing it from a canon character's perspective, there isn't that dynamic I get when I use the characters I've created. There aren't the pesky restraints of writing in the voice of a known character. I think you'll find that my work is best suited to be told in the voices of my own characters. Again, thank you for the criticism. I really do appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

6586958 Don't mention it! My only other concern is that it's difficult to follow initially because other than the whole 'magical academy' angel it is difficult to classify it as a MLP fanfic.
LateBronyWriter

6586998

Yeah, but I'll try and keep most of the lore (with a little flourish of course).

Wouldn't it be awesome if I received a reason as to why I got a dislike? Just a wish of mine. Thank you down vote fairy for lessening in my opinion of humanity! :twilightsmile:

6594708

Thank you, I'm glad you're interested. :twilightsmile:

Is this a human in Equestria story or a humanized ponies story?

6594932

Humanized ponies. Look at the words use to describe Headmistress Twilly Sparalk (Twilight Sparkle) in chapter one:

Her long hair was purple, her ruffled blouse was purple, and her high heels were purple. In fact, the only thing not purple about her was her magenta highlights and black denim jeans. She approached the center of the gathering with a walk that screamed 'I'm on a mission.'.

"Hey, Mura... who is that?" I lowered my head to her height as I kept staring at the woman.

I like the story and the characters. I hope to see more of you soon, cause I'm a little hyped on how the story is going to progress.

6596734

Awesome! I'm glad your excited! I'm excited to get writing!

Lovely chapter, and great to see Fluttershy being the nurse. I knew she would make a great nurse, with her personality and all. and lets not forget her amazing curves :raritywink:
I will see you in the next chapter Sorcerer!

Private Derpy signing out! :derpytongue2:
orig07.deviantart.net/b4a5/f/2013/167/9/c/yellow_quiet_nurse__eqg__by_pyruvate-d68u3kv.jpg

Comment posted by Sorcerer deleted Nov 9th, 2015

lol. the ping pong part was the best. :rainbowlaugh:keep up the good work

6617238

Thanks! I hope you enjoy the next few chapters to come.

Meet Jonathan Star

I inmediatly pictured him as Jonathan Joestar

6620390

Like I've said to a million people, I actually didn't know about JJBA until I first started the story after someone pointed it out to me. It cool though, it's an odd coincidence. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Arcane Spectrum deleted Nov 11th, 2015

Ugggh!
Everybody has Fallout 4!!!!!

i tried getting fallout 4, but my computer only had a 4Gb ram and the game requires a 8 Gb ram

Awesome chapter, can't wait for the next one!

6673504

Thanks! Were you expecting Sweetie to be the leader of The Ten Elite? :rainbowwild:

6673655
Not exactly... Nice twist though! And the steel arms and legs, like he said.... Hardcore.

6725487

Haha, yeah I get that a lot. His name is inspired by JJBA, but his character isn't like Jonathan Joestar at all. I get a laugh when people recognize his name. :rainbowlaugh:

6730027

Why thank you! What did you enjoy about it, if I may ask? :twilightsmile:

6730070 the main reason is i can relate to some of the characters in some part like my friend got me to do boxing for a year and it was fun

Kay 1st things first

if there isn't a fucking Mura x Johnathan in this I will scream forever

But jokes aside, great chapter and story development. Wish it would be longer, maybe 4K to 4.5 k words next chapter?

pssst make johnathan do something really fuckin cool that the school is amazed by kthx

6776836

Jonathan will have a few tricks up his sleeve, but nothing major. You just have to wait and see! :twilightsmile:

You know there are like no Harry Potter jokes in this or very little the i haven't noticed

6777311

I regularly try to avoid copying Harry Potter's story, but I'll probably crack a few jokes later in the series! :twilightsmile:

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