Crimson Mist
Putting Flash Sentry into a Woodchipper
Admiral Biscuit
You can say, without any exaggeration, that you may be one of the most dedicated bronies in the entire United States—perhaps the whole world. You had fallen in love with the show the moment that the first episode aired, even before being exposed to it on Reddit.
Your little sister had had it on, that's how you got hooked. You grimaced at the opening music—it was still as annoying as it had been back in the eighties; seriously, were they ever going to update that? Even Berke Breathed made fun of it in a Bloom County comic back in the day.
But once you started watching the main part of the episode . . . you were hooked.
Fast forward a few years. You had all the IDW comics, custom plushies, and even some coloring books. You snacked on MLP-shaped fruit snacks. You'd been to conventions, meet-ups, and you were a very active member on the /mlp/ forums. You'd even dabbled in fanfiction, although it turned out you weren't a very good writer and nobody wanted to read your stuff.
Then you turned to writing shipfics, and the viewcount started ticking up.
Then you took the plunge into clopfics, and . . . well, just look at your follower count now.
That wasn't enough. You'd gone slightly mad with power. You wanted to actually be in Equestria. You wanted to meet Twilight Sparkle, woo her, and . . . well, your stories tell what happens next.
It would be goddamn magical.
The $64,000 question is, how the hell do you get into magical cartoon land?
You thought about that. You thought about that a lot. Probably more than was really healthy, to be honest. There was a period of months where you hardly came out of the basement at all, shunning the open air like a vampire hiding from the sun—but then the solution hit you, like that one Greek dude in his bath who ran through the streets naked shouting “Eureka!”
You didn’t do that, of course.
The trick with magic is that you have to specify what you want, and if you really, really believe it, you'll get it. You read a story like that once, where three brothers were building a flying ship. The first two gave the leprechaun sarcastic answers, and got what they asked for; the third said he was building a flying ship, and damned if he didn't have one waiting for him the next day. You can still hear the leprechaun’s replies to the first two brothers: If it’s barrel staves you want, it’s barrel staves you’ll have.
It's never wise to lie to a leprechaun.
You don’t want barrel staves; you want Equestria. And Twilight.
So you start wishing on all the things you can wish upon. You wish upon your birthday cake. Every time the clock hits 11:11, you make a wish. You go outside of the basement and look up into the sky with the sole thought of finding shooting stars to wish upon, as well as the first one that you see each time you brave the outdoors. With billions of billions of stars, one of them has to be the right one. And then one day, much to your surprise, you actually get your wish.
Sort of.
You don't wake up in Equestria, but you only miss it by a nose.
☠ ☠ ☠
You kick your sheets off and scratch yourself, groaning at the thought of spending another miserable day in your miserable life. The sunlight streaming through the window is really too much to take, and you can’t understand why you'd never thought to put up curtains—and then you remember that you sleep in your parents’ basement, where the light cannot reach. Your eyes fly open and just for a second you think you might be in Equestria. Wishful thinking—but when you look down at your body, it’s more . . . cartoony. Your skin is still a peach color, but its an even tone, with no variations. All your body hair is gone, and you now only have three digits on each appendage.
Something happened, you think. Maybe I can't get to their world without becoming more like them.
Your room has been similarly transformed. The bedsheets are a single color, with no embarrassing stains and no oversized wrinkles. Your dresser looks like it has been drawn on an Etch-A-Sketch, and the dirty clothes on the floor look suspiciously uniform.
In that moment, you’re sure you just won the cosmic lottery. The last act you were aware of was wishing that you were in Equestria, and you are now flash animated. You make a short checklist.
1. Find Twilight Sparkle.
2. ???
3. Have fantastic sex.
You take a shower and prepare for the coming day, liberally splashing your Dad's aftershave all over yourself, making sure to dab some down in the party zone. That is actually a bad idea; it turns out it burns. A lot.
When you get to the front door, you take a deep breath, grab the handle, and yank the door open, fully prepared to find yourself in Ponyville. All you will have to do is find the Golden Oaks library, or the Magical Crystal Castle-in-a-box, and you'll be set.
Unfortunately, your wish landed you slightly off target. You aren't in Equestria; you’re in Equestria Girls. Your desire to remain unponified has forced the hand of fate, it seems.
Not a total loss. You know from watching the movie just where the mirror portal is, and you will just have to wait thirty moons to go through it. Not too big a price to pay—the fact you’re here at all means that everything else is real, too.
Besides, you can work your mojo on Applejack, the sexiest Equestria Girl. You know that Twilight won't be here—not unless you happened to have arrived during the events of the movie, anyway. Once you get to real Equestria . . . well, there's no need to mention what happened here.
It's a fool-proof plan.
☠ ☠ ☠
One black eye and assorted other bruises later, you re-calibrate your plan. Applejack has a mean right hook, and is less of a pushover than you'd imagined. Also, the approach of dropping trou and and asking if she wanted to ride the bishop might not have been your best pickup line. Especially since evasive moves were well nigh impossible with pants and underwear hobbling your legs. At least no-one else was there to witness your . . . setback. And she was kind enough to give you a bag of frozen peas for your bruises, although her method of delivery could use some work. A nurse would never get away with throwing a frozen bag of peas at a patient’s head.
Party Girl Pinkie Pie is your next best choice. Once you've healed up, you'll give her a try.
You grind your teeth and seethe a little bit as you notice Flash Sentry, aka Brad, chatting up Sunset Shimmer. He flashes her a smile, and you can almost see the gleam off his perfect white teeth. You'd almost consider—
No.
Hell no.
Just a moment of weakness brought on by possible brain trauma, rather than Flash's perfectly sculpted body with its rock-hard abs, guitar-strumming fingers, and Pomaide-ed blue hair. And a cartoon Camaro, with racing stripes, seriously, can he get any more All-American? He probably plays baseball and helps old ladies cross the street and eats apple pie every night.
Which is an intriguing image. Maybe that’s why Applejack rejected your advances.
And just like that, you have a brilliant idea. The seduction of Pinkie Pie will have to wait for another day.
☠ ☠ ☠
It takes you a few days to wear down Granny Smith. She's a suspicious sort, and you have to gin up a fake report on Emerald Arborvitae Borers, but you've finally convinced her that the landscaping around her house has to go, and as soon as possible. As a bonus, once she's convinced, her stubbornness sets in, and she won't let any of her grandchildren un-convince her. Especially since you make extra sure to avoid Applejack. Just in case she wants a rematch.
You head down to the local rental store and procure all the supplies you'll need for your work. Once it's all in place, you need to convince Flash to help—but that's easy enough. He's so Eagle Scout, as soon as you mention the words 'civic duty,' he's practically eating out of your hand.
The only downside to your fantastic plan is that you actually have to work at it. Still, it's worth it. Flash has taken off his shirt, and his sculpted muscles are only highlighted by the sheen of sweat on his body. You're still wearing your hoodie. In case of a sudden cold spell.
It could happen. . . .
You have to yell to make yourself heard above the roaring of the rental machine. “I think a branch got stuck,” you scream.
“Really?” Flash asks, and leans over the feed to the woodchipper. That's all the opportunity you need. You give him a hard shove from behind, and he falls over the feed chute, and then the merciless maw of the machine has his hand.
You run around to the output side, and dance gleefully around in the crimson mist. Thousands of angry bronies have dreamed of this; you actually did it. Sooner than you'd imagined, it tapers off, leaving only the angry growl of the machine behind, so you scamper back to the feed side and begin adding more branches in, to cover up any evidence of your crime.
When you've finally finished protecting Granny Smith's house from the dreaded Emerald Arborvitae Borer, you take Flash's cartoon Camaro home, because why not? It’s not like there are consequences in Cartoon Land.
In a few days or weeks, the portal at the base of the statue will re-open. And you'll be there.
With a woodchipper.
Because there's a pony Flash Sentry, too.
A One-Shot-Ober fic.
Also, because why not?
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Admiral Biscuit · 2.9k words · 106 10 · 3k views
- Admiral Biscuit · 1.2k words · 93 2 · 1.6k views
- Admiral Biscuit · 1.3k words · 80 5 · 1.7k views
- David Silver · 1.1k words · 38 4 · 1k views
- Admiral Biscuit · 1.2k words · 245 13 · 3.5k views
- Admiral Biscuit · 1.2k words · 109 5 · 1.7k views
- Admiral Biscuit · 4.6k words · 157 7 · 3k views
- Admiral Biscuit · 4.9k words · 83 3 · 2.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.598 seconds
Total duration
931 users online
568,162 hits today, 2,818,023 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, at least you didn't strand him in the Everfree Forest with a broken wing and Sunset Shimmer as company. At least this way, he provides a useful public service: Mulch.
5132665
As a bonus, pianos fit in woodchippers, too. In case you need to get rid of one.
5132678 It doesn't work. Unwanted pianos have a habit of returning in perfect condition. You could always shoot him into the sun.
5132693
There ought to be a group for stories which feature the destruction of a helpless piano.
This is great, it tickles the funny bone in so many ways.
WHY is he always named Brad? I mean, it's like the automatic equivalent name of Flash Sentry. Hell, I came out of the theater on the 1st showing of the 1st day of the 1st movie, and even I was calling him Brad! I just don't know why! Is it like the generic douchebag name? Well, I actually do know a douchebag named Brad, lol. Though I think it might just be because his character is so bland that the name 'Brad' kind of fits.
OK, the obvious problem with this fic: it's in 2nd person. I will say that you pulled that off at least ok - just ok, mind you, not great - but it's still annoying. I've read a few... a couple... ok, actually just one fic in 2nd person that did it well. And even then, I think it was simply that the sheer awesomeness of the story overshadowed the grating annoyance of the 2nd person narration.
Though I will admit, I tried writing a story in 2nd person myself once. It flopped. Hard. Twas one of my earlier works anyway. But the commenters were hellbent on hammering it into my head that 2nd person is a no no.
Other than that, it's a pretty ok story. It's a silly one shot, the jokes are there and they work, and it's not dark enough to hurt the humor.
5132779
D G D Davidson.
I think in the fanfiction community, 'Kyle' is the generic douchebag name. Brad's probably a close second.
What will really annoy you is that the first draft was in third person limited past tense. As a trollfic, though, it worked better in second person. The main character was almost named 'anon,' but I couldn't do that. That's going too far.
It wouldn't happen to be Spending the Night at Fluttershy's, would it?
I can live with that. I wasn't planning for this one to be great literature.
5132718
Thanks!
One of my close friends calls Twilight his waifu so he would totally agree with this story
5132835
Judging by the votes, he's not the only one.
For the record, I've got nothing against Flash. But I'd feed Trenterhoof in a woodchipper without a moment's hesitation.
5132876
I almost put an explicit Fargo ref. in, but figured that anyone who'd seen the movie would think of that scene without any prompting on my part.
5132822 Meh, I'm pretty sure I came up with the Brad name first lol
I don't have a problem with 3rd person limited. Or did you mean the fact that you switched it? Yeah, that's kind of annoying. Though I can see your reasoning.
But you're right. Fuck anon.
And no, it was With Teeth. Matter of fact, I can't help but think you have referenced this somewhere. I imagine now, though, the main concept is pretty widespread. Kind of like... a carnivore could... seduce a pony by inducing a little primal fear/ prey response. I'm willing to bet this story did it first. I should note though, it's been years since I've read this. There's always that slight possibility I thought it was good just because it was something to read at the time when I needed to get as much pony as possible. So it might be shit if I look back on it. Know what I mean?
Matter of fact, I know you did. Here. You mentioned that same concept. Dunno where from or who did it first, but With Teeth is where I read it first.
5132931
Yeah, it was the switching. Seriously, I read through the draft, and I thought, this would be a better trollfic if it was in second person.
If I have, it was unintentional. I've never read that story, although it it now on my read-later list.
Yes, I did make mention of it in Important Differences, and I do think that could be a pony kink . . . I mean, bondage is a thing, right? I've heard it is, anyway. It does seem like the kind of thing some ponies might get off on.
The only problem I have with fics of that sort is when they make mention of the predator's (humans, usually) canine teeth, because . . . well, you know why.
This is the best thing I have ever read, ever. I feel like the rest of my time spent on this site will be pointless, as nothing will ever top this. I can now buy a rope, finish reading my copy of Noose Tying for Dummies, and end my fulfilled life. Thank you.
Would that I could give this two thumbs up. Instead have a Thumb and two Pinkie grins.
5132983
Please read Twirek before you go.
It's maybe not as good, but . . .
Twirek
5132985
I can live with that.
I love this by the title
Putting Flash into a woodchipper is a waste!
He makes a perfectly good meat shield to hold out in front of you while you storm ISIS strongholds with holy American justice!!
5133058
Thanks!
5132998
More like #Twirekt. Rite gaiz? Rite?
5132822
Brad isn't a generic douchebag name, it's more for the jock-douchebag who keeps getting cheerleaders moist. No one likes a Brad.
5133065
One look at his perfect chiseled abs and Pomaide-ed hair, and they'd convert to 'Murican.
Plus, he has a Camaro and plays guitar. You can't get more 'Murican than that.
5133112 He doesn't have abs. He's a skinny high school 'cool' guy. I doubt he can manage to lift two boxes of macaroni simultaneously without getting a hernia.
5133158
That's what he wants you to think.
static4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130917114419/equestriagirls/images/6/62/Flash_Sentry_ID_EG.png
He's got a body like Adonis. He has to wear clothes to disguise it.
My first reaction:
My second reaction:
You Flash haters crack me up
My third reaction:
No, seriously. Why the f
k are you so obsessed? I mean, What did Flash ever do to deserve your hate?
Did he steal your waifu? Well, newsflash: YOU CANNOT DATE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!! No matter how hard you wish, pray, and/or believe, you cannot physically go to Equestria, and so you can never bang Twilight Sparkle. Ever. Get over it.
Is he undeveloped? Well, that's not stopping you from shipping her with characters with even less development. I mean, you practically create whole new personalities for characters who might be lucky to have so much as a name! And don't even get me started on OCs. You create entire personalities for background ponies AND your own characters, but you can't do any DYI character development for Flash? Hypocrites.
Seriously, get over it and go start developing Flash the way you would one of your crappy OCs. I mean, isn't that the whole point of fan fiction? To take stuff out of canon that you think are kind of iffy and make them better?
Anyway, have a good day, Flash-haters
5132980 Yes, I must agree. And in case the uh, title of that fic didn't make it clear enough, that whole schtick kind of hinges on the human having canines.
Oh well.
Still, though. Most female horses don't have canine teeth. Still could be a pony kink.
5132779
5132822
I think the Brad thing goes back to this video:
5132822
5133090
"Brad" is a generic jock name. That's all. And there's nothing wrong with "Kyle".
The douche name is "Chad".
I've known Chads in high school, in college, and at work. Every Chad I have ever known has been a colossal douche.
5133548
It is true that some hate flash for the stupid reason that they are stealing your waifu but others have reasons for what this character we don't like.
Personally I have no problem with pony flash because it is a simple background character like everyone else that decorate the stage but human flash is what bothers me because it is a cliche.
I could spend hours talking about everything that bothers me human Flash but for lack of time will summarize it this way: the idea of twilight is interested in an individual who is a cliche of the classic popular guy we've seen hundreds of times in films or series based on the secondary is insulting.
He has nothing original.
PS
Sorry if I write something wrong, English is not my native language
5133548
Newsflash: The only one being pathetic enough to deserve scorn here is you. You rolled up in here acting like a huge wad of arrogant and derisive crap. You say we can't hate a one-dimensional character. Alright then, by that notion you can't like a one-dimensional character. There's nothing for you to defend. There's no reason for you to be here. No reason for you to say anything. No reason for Flash-fanatics if there can't be Flash-haters. The very fact you disagree with us gives credence to the fact we exist and that we hate the character - if you can like and defend him then by equivalence we can hate him. You have no say in the matter.
My logic is sound. You had no logical foundation, merely complaints based on your sadly misconstrued subjectivity and impotent anger.
In short: If you liked the story, good for you. If you didn't like the story, sucks to be you - move along. If you didn't read the story and are just here to complain at the people who did enjoy it, you're wasting everyone's time and not using the comments section appropriately. You should probably apologize for your behavior and leave.
5133821
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. IIRC, that was way back when the only thing we knew about EQG was 'high school AU', so 'Brad' was just a generic 'boyfriend' name. And then it turned out that there actually was a generic boyfriend character, and the name stuck.
Something tells me you're not much of a fan of whoever this Flash Sentry guy is.
Just a hunch.
5133851 I think we all have our own selected jerkoff names.
5133821 Hm you know, I think you're right. We saw Flash before the movie came out, and the first generic Douchebag McJockstrap name that anyone could think of probably just stuck.
5132822
Damn, my name is Kyle. I much be a douche waffle.
5133851
What if it is a Chad spelled C-H-A-D-D? Does the extra D cancel out the douchiness?
5133548
I don't hate Flash. I saw a funny idea for a story that plays on a dislike of the character, and I took it.
Yes, I do the first two things, and if I ever wanted to write a serious, long-running story with Flash, I'd develop him, too.
5134105
I've got nothing against him, but it made for a great story premise.
I don't think the woodchipper will fit through the portal, and I don't think Equestria has woodchippers. Just saying.
One, do you think all women are just sluts who only have sex for fun, not with people who they've developed relationships with? Because you should only be having sex with people who you've developed a real bond with. Otherwise it's just sleazy, and it makes the woman look like a whore who places no value on intimate relations.
Two, Flash Sentry isn't some child rapist, this level of hatred is illogical and unfunny. Being bland isn't a reason to hate them. It's a weak excuse.
Three, your character just murdered someone to get into a girl's pants. Why again is that supposed to be funny? You think that's someone we really wanna see hook up with Twilight? A murderous jerk who thinks women should just sleep with him just because he wants them to and will kill off anyone who's remotely a threat to his sex life and who's easily driven to envy?
Satire works like this: you imitate something to mock it whilst making a point about why it's bad. You didn't make any point. This story, thus, is BAD satire. Bad parody. It's like "Disaster movie". Imitation alone isn't satire.
If you're going to go for "wish fulfillment" (not mine, mind you), then at least try to be more subtle. And maybe try to give it a bit more substance. The title pretty much tells the whole story in itself, so there's not much reason to read the rest of the fic.
I wanted to say something, but the wood chipper thing just reminded me of 'Wood Chipper Massacre' and now all I can think of is camp movies from the past fifty years.
"TEENAGE MOTHER MEANS NINE MONTHS OF TROUBLE!
"
5134490
My God. All the white knights in the comments, tragically missing the point.
This is funny to me.
5133963 Sir, you missed my point entirely. I was NOT saying you can like a one-dimensional character. I was saying that you can take a one-dimensional character, develop him, mold him, and shape him into a three-dimensional character that people will like and enjoy reading about. I was also saying that the majority of Flash-haters hate him because of petty, shallow reasons that can easily be solved by a good writer.
But thank you for your constructive criticism.
reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/clapping_joker_batman_dark_knight.gif
5133911 I'm okay with you hating the cliche'd character type that human Flash fits into. What I don't like is how people automatically assume that his entire personality is based around this. When I see Flash, I see what he is, and then I see what he can be.
5134490 Oh, that's all right. There are hundreds of fans who write about stuff just for the sake of getting views
And I've done plenty of character development for Flash Sentry. Some of it has been written down, and some of it is still in my head waiting for the right story.
5133196 I could snap him in half with my eyelashes.
5133086 your welcome
You get top marks for a fantastic, attention-grabbing title! I saw that and instantly thought, "Well, now I have to find out what this is about!" I also got a good laugh out of several parts, especially the plan for having sex with Twilight. But I must admit, this fic was a bit creepy to read, based on how it's essentially about the reader trying to have sex with high-school aged girls. Granted, the humor is with regards to taking out Flash Sentry in a gory and violent way, and what would happen if a hormone-crazed human made it to the Equestria Girls universe, but it unnerved me a little.
Still, the title is fantastic, the idea is humorous, and the length is just about right, so good job overall.
5134294
I think it doubles it. D-D = Double Douche.
5137656
Damn, and I thought my friend Chadd was always so nice and chill. Looks like we can't be friends anymore... but, my name is Kyle... I SHOULDN'T BE FRIENDS WITH MYSELF!
5134941
If the 'you' refers to the main character, yes, that's how he thinks. If the 'you' means me, the author, then no, I don't think that at all. You may have noticed that when the protagonist attempted to use his misogynistic views on Applejack, she kicked his butt--deservedly so.
Did you notice how Flash was only described using flattering language? The protagonist's hatred of him is both irrational and unfounded, and even the murder was planned upon the idea that Flash would be wiling to help a complete stranger for no financial gain.
It's dark humor. I understand that different people have different levels of tolerance for stories and jokes like that (for example, "Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?" is funny to some, but not to others). If that's not your thing, that's okay.
I honestly hope not. The protagonist is a truly horrible character. I mean, really, think about his logic: if Twilight loves Flash, the fact he murdered Flash will hardly entice her to love him. If Twilight doesn't love Flash, he murdered someone for no possible gain whatsoever. He's basically a homicidal maniac.
He's the kind of guy that if I met him on the street, I'd want to punch him.
5137693
I got lucky in the great name lottery, it seems. My real name means 'lover of horses.'
5136619
Thanks!
It's a little less creepy (and only a little) if we assume the protagonist is also high-school aged, but . . . yeah. That was intentional.
I haven't gone out of my way to read a lot of EqG fics, but based on many of the thinly-disguised wish-fulfillment fics on this site . . .
That's a good summary.