Nacho, Nacho Man
“Oh snap! The PoPo!” Pinkie gasped.
“Hi Mister Officer!” Sonata grinned. “Did you come to see the show too?”
“Uh, sure,” Shining Armor furrowed his brow at her. “Something like that.”
“Wait just a moment,” Rarity cut in as she stood, “this is the policeman you’ve been on the run from all night?” She made a great show of letting her eyes look him up and down as an approving smile crept onto her lips. “You didn’t mention that he was handsome.”
“Married,” Shining rolled his eyes, holding up his left hand to show off the gold band on his ring finger. Rarity put on a slightly over-dramatic pout as he turned his attention back to Pinkie’s trembling, transfixed form. “Now, you and I need to have a talk, young lady.”
“Leave Pinkie alone!” Sonata stepped between them and spread her arms, leading Shining Armor to cross his own arms over his chest.
“Miss, don’t make the same mistake your rainbow-haired friend made. Move aside.”
“What?!” Pinkie gasped with a panicked expression as she somehow switched places with Sonata, gripping Shining Armor by his collar with both hands. “What’d you do to Rainbow?”
“Um,” Shining swallowed, trying to ignore the sudden invasion of personal space, “Actually, I didn’t really do much of anything to her now that I think about it. A bunch of little cosplayers framed me to look like a pedophile, and--wait, why the hell am I telling you this?!” He frowned down at her. “Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in?”
“Uh, w-why no, Officer,” Pinkie said, beads of sweat forming on her forehead as she released and smoothed his collar awkwardly, “I’m super-duper sure that I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”
“Really?” Shining deadpanned. “Lemme give you a quick rundown. We’ll start with disturbing the peace and work our way up to resisting arrest and public endangerment, and you tell me if any of it starts to ring a bell; how’s that sound? First of all…”
As Shining Armor began lecturing Pinkie Pie, Sonata felt a light tug on her arm. She turned and saw a mischievous glint in Rarity’s eyes.
“Give me thirty seconds, darling, then grab Pinkie and follow me!”
“Huh?” was all Sonata managed before Rarity deftly spun and slipped through the stage curtain, the crowd’s renewed cheering at her appearance muffled as the thick fabric fell back together. Sonata blinked a few times and frowned before turning her attention back to Pinkie and Shining Armor.
“... And then I said ‘oatmeal; are you craz-!”
“Wait! Stop!” Shining Armor pinched the bridge of his nose. “What exactly does any of that have to do with me chasing you all over the city? And did you say something about an aardvark?”
Pinkie turned white, or at least a lighter shade of pink, as her eyes suddenly found interest everywhere but on the officer standing before her. “No! I most certainly did not mention a giant aardvark balloon that I accidentally set loose when I was five, causing several thousand dollars of damages to the surrounding buildings. I-I’ve never even been to the Marecy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!”
Shining’s eyebrows rose in tandem while Sonata let out a gasp. “Oh-em-gee! I remember that year! Pinkie, that was you?”
“No!” Pinkie sputtered, hands gripping her pink curls as she glanced back and forth between the two of them rapidly. “And I also wasn’t at all traumatized by the dozen or so police officers who managed to finally pry me off the rope I’d been holding onto the whole time the balloon was blowing around, either!”
A long moment of silence passed in which Shining and Sonata could do little but stare.
“Huh,” Sonata finally managed. “That explains a lot.”
Shining Armor shook his head. “Sorry, but whatever you did or didn’t do when you were a kid doesn’t justify breaking the law in the here and now.” In one swift motion he slipped the handcuffs from his belt and ratcheted one side of them around Pinkie’s arm. “You’re under arrest.”
“W-wait!” Pinkie cried out, but Shining was already locking the other half of the cuffs to his own wrist.
“I’m not taking any chances. I have a feeling that if I don’t do this then you’re still gonna find some way to vanish right out from under me the second I look away.”
“Please Officer,” Sonata pouted as Pinkie continued to whine and tug ineffectually against the cold steel, “Please, Pinkie’s my friend--my best friend, and she’s done so much for me tonight, and… and we haven’t even gotten any tacos yet! Can’t you pleasepleaseplease make an exception this one time? For… for friendship?”
Shining Armor turned to face Sonata’s quivering lips and tear filled, saucer-wide puppy dog eyes, and smirked. “Not bad. With a face like that most guys probably would’ve ‘hnng’d’ and hit the floor already. Fortunately, having endured years of weapons grade, diabetes-inducing cuteness from both my little sister and my wife, I’ve had plenty of time to build up a tolerance for it.”
Sonata’s poutyface continued unabated, prompting Shining Armor to frown with a sigh.
“Look, I get what you’re trying to say, and believe me, most of the time I’m more than willing to let stuff like this slide when it’s clear that the person is sorry for what they did, or that it was an accident, or whatever… but some of the stunts Pinkie here has pulled tonight are dangerous, not just to herself but to others. Nobody’s gotten hurt yet, but if I let you two go off and do whatever else you want and someone does? Then it isn’t Pinkie’s fault, but mine because I could have stopped you before things went too far. Do you understand?”
Sonata’s expression softened just a little, and Shining gave her warm smile.
“Hey, look, it’s not like she’s gonna end up going to prison or anything. A trip to the station to file some reports, a couple hours in a holding cell while we contact her parents to come pick her up, and that’s pretty much it. If you want, you can tag along too and keep her company.”
“Hm,” Sonata put one hand on her hip and a finger to her chin, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”
“You’re right, that doesn’t sound bad at all!” Pinkie grinned as she bounced up and down next to Sonata. “In fact, you should get started on it right away! It’s been fun talking to you Officer but I think I hear my Grammy Pie calling, so we’ll be going now; bye!” She grabbed a confused Sonata’s arm and started dragging her toward the curtains.
Shining Armor’s eyes flew open as he turned and held up his arm. Instead of his culprit’s wrist, the dangling handcuffs now held a slightly squished pink balloon with a surprisingly good caricature of Pinkie’s face and hair--her eyes crossed and her tongue sticking out--drawn in black marker.
“How the-?!” Shining cut himself off, quickly refocusing on the curtains that were still swaying slightly from the two girls’ timely escape. He rushed forward, not even bothering to remove the handcuffs or free his rubbery captive, and threw the curtains wide as he stepped onto the stage, only to be instantly blinded.
“And here he is!” Rarity’s voice echoed over the club’s speakers, but Shining didn’t register what she was saying at first as he held up a shielding hand against the powerful spotlight aimed at him and attempted to scan the crowd. “As promised, ladies and gentlemen, the next act for tonight’s entertainment, the Canterlot Police Department's own-” she stole a quick look at his badge, “Officer Amor!” The crowd erupted in cheers as Shining finally processed what he was hearing.
“Wait, what?! What’re you talking about? And it’s Armor, not Amor!”
“Trust me darling, Amor is a much better stage name considering what I told them you’d be doing,” Rarity whispered as she passed him the microphone and gave him a chaste peck on his cheek before skipping away with a giggle and a dainty wave. The crowd cheered again and began cat-calling as Shining stared after her.
“What I’d be…” he trailed off.
He was on stage in a gay bar and dressed in a police uniform. The crowd was hooting and hollering and whistling at him like there was no tomorrow, and he was pretty sure he saw several raised hands--male and female--in the crowd holding one or more dollar bills. Lastly, if his required Spanish course from back in his high school days hadn’t failed him, then ‘amor’ meant…
Shining looked out over the excited, expectant, and disturbingly hungry-looking audience and felt sweat start to bead on his skin as his cheeks turned a bright tomato-red.
“Okay, yeah, I walked right into this one…”
Just give up Shining; you can't handle these girls, 
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Ow my stiches. This chapter made me laugh so hard I think I might have popped a few.
Oh my God, these girls are amazing sometimes*
*All the time.
That's why you don't try to arrest
a force of naturePinkie Pie!Well. What are waiting for, Shining? Off with that uniform.
Welcome to the Blue Oyster, Shining Amor
The best part, when Twilight and Cadence hear about it.
Pinkie's a baaad liar. Also, Shining's too handsome for his own good.
Oh God, that's hilarious!
Oh my... I really don't know who to root for now! I love Sonata AND Pinkie, but Shining is just so genuine, you know? Regardless, Sonata is cute as fuck. I know that has nothing to do with this chapter, but I just thought I should say it.
Would have loved it if the moment Rarity called him "officer amor" Shinning had sputtered something about his wife being the only one allowed to call him that...
Pirate, thanks for this chapter. Excelent as always. I really needed it.
And you just know Cadance is somewhere in that crowd, having a girl's night.
6220142
0:17
FLUFFLE PUFF... i mean PFFFFFFFFT!
1:04
PFFFFT!
1:10
PFFFT!
1:28
PFFT PFFFT PFFFFFFFT!
Eh...?
Sorry Shining, these girls are dynamite!
Rarity is a genius.
...well played, girls.
I'm starting to feel bad for Shining. I mean, he was just doing his job and Pinkie's stunts were clearly dangerous, but since she's the main character of the show everything is just waved as comedy and somehow Shining becomes the villain.
This is Tom & Jerry all over again.
Poor Pinkie; that would indeed be quite the traumatic experience for a young child. Sonata's line, “Oh-em-gee! I remember that year! Pinkie, that was you?” made it even better.
That ending though; can't say it didn't catch me totally off guard! And the fact that Rarity orchestrated it so quickly makes it even better. xD
At this rate, Shining's gonna want to quit the police force by the end of the night.
Betcha some of his fellow officers who are off-duty are in the audience.
I have a feeling after tonight. Shinning Armor will need a VERY long vacation.
A short while later:
"That was one of the best performances I've seen!" Steven exclaimed. "The crowd loved you! Are you sure you're new at this?"
"I've had to learn how to improvise in a tight spot," Shining replied, using every available ounce of willpower in his body to keep his embarrassment suppressed. "Tonight more so than ever before."
"Where did you ever learn that trick with the handcuffs and the nightstick?"
Shining's composure momentarily wavered, causing a blush to erupt on his face. "My wife have some... peculiar interests."
"Oh, say no more!" Steven chuckled. "You'll have quite the story to tell her tonight, am I right?"
"Sweet Tree of Harmony, I was trying not to think about that," Shining groaned. "Well, this has been an.... interesting experience, but I must be going now."
"Don't be a stranger! We simply must do this again!"
"Yeah, don't hold your breath." Shining stopped and turned to the bartender. "By the way, those girls didn't say where they were going next, did they?"
Steven Magnet cocked his head, stroking his fabulous mustache as he thought. "If memory serves, they were trying to find a ride to Ponyville."
"Thanks," Shining gave him a wave as he left. "Oh, and please try to keep it down, okay? We'd like to be able to go at least a week without another call from Mr Doodle Donkey."
He left the bar, wishing Bulk and Iron a good evening as he passed them by. Sitting down in his squad car, he drew a deep breath to steady himself. Tonight had been the craziest night in his life and he had a terrible feeling he hadn't seen the worst of it yet, even though he didn't know how that was even possible. But he did know one thing: Now, it was personal. He would find Pinkie Pie and arrest her if it was the last thing he did.
He turned the keys and the car rumbled to life. Ponyville, huh? Well then. The game was afoot.
6218594
I loved the scene in the comics when he and his buddies were sitting around their gaming table trying to come up with ways to win Cadence over,
6219850
Or is it her stunt bubble?
... yeah, okay, that was bad...
6219859
This is why you shouldn't read fanfiction while in the hospital... or y'know, when you're Frankenstein's monster...
6219863
ALL the time!
6220022
I dunno, that might end up going something like this...
6220062
Thanks! My wife is the photoshop whiz; she makes or modifies most all my cover art,
6220070
Exactly!
6220084
Lol, who downvoted?
6220142
Somebody's been reading my blog,
6220282
You're very welcome; I'll try yo keep 'em coming,
6220369
BINGO!
Or:
6222470
Nah, Shining's hardly the villain here... slapstick comedy punching bag, maybe, but definitely not the villain,
6223239
Haha, I'm glad it was a surprise! I figured most people would see it coming from a mile away with the whole 'police officer in a gay bar' thing,
6223400 6226427
Yeah, I'm gonna need to write a nice, sweet and romancey one-shot between him and Cadence to make up for putting him through the wringer in this story,
6230181
If you wanna use it somehow, go for it,
6230271
I saw Tenacious D in concert once... I don't think I could live through it again. Mortal man is not meant to stand in the presence of so much awesome.
Also, dammit; now I really want to go watch Search for Vengeance,
6230439
Oooh, so close!
6230439
6231967 THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH?!
6232234
What used to pass for television something like twenty-five years ago,
6231967
I saw the latest Friendship Games trailer, looks like EQG Cadance works at the school this world's Twilight goes to, so I guess now we have some idea of what she does for a living canonically. But yes, poor Shining's REALLY gonna need some serious TLC from his wife by the end of the night and is probably gonna be in Police Trauma Therapy for awhile
6232251 Huh... O-kaaay...
Hey, gotta make that money somehow...
Not sure whether to feel bad for shining for what he got himself into, or to be extremely jealous of all the fan-girls he's gotten. Either way tho, he's doomed.
I knew I should've posted a police stripper joke in the last chapter! Oh well, never a bad time to post the gif.
31.media.tumblr.com/93840d83fbe49e177d50cd2f827ea2be/tumblr_inline_n8kssc44jQ1s80sgh.gif
Our very first glimpse of Human!Cadance From the looks of it she works at that world's Twilight's school.
Finally got around to catching up with this story!
That someone notices what the comic relief characters are doing is actually kind of dangerous and tries to stop them is a nice touch, as is the fact that we know it eventually works (at least to some degree) on account of the first chapter. Same with trying to explain in simple words why what they're doing is wrong and that they should probably cut it out now.
Lost count of how many times I've seen supposedly good (I guess Sonata qualifies here?) characters make other peoples' lives Hell and face no consequences. Sends a really messed up message, y'know?
I'm rooting for Shining Armor. Pinkie needs time out big time.
Oh dear.
You did.
The first thing I thought of when I finished the chapter is Zootopia.
If you've seen it, you'll know why.
Anyways, can't wait for this to continue.
8972728
Probably does. Sorry, mang.
This is hilarious the zaney situations, the wacky hijinks. This so far is by far the best comedy fanfic I've ever read of all times.
Will this ever get continued?
(psst)
Are ya... are ya gonna finish this?)