Loves a lot of things--right now really into Sunset Shimmer, and Star Wars, and anything else in between really. Also loves music, especially New Wave. I am also a professional writer.
Equestria Girls Fics12,100 stories ·3,759 members
Sunset Shimmer6,721 stories ·4,917 members
Equestria Girls Rock!!!228 stories ·175 members
The Hero... Sunset Shimmer???528 stories ·970 members
The Sirens1,184 stories ·1,343 members
Sonata Dusk640 stories ·1,429 members
Christian Bronies & Pegasisters97 stories ·156 members
Sunset Shimmer Is Best Human543 stories ·402 members
Sunset Shimmer, student at Canterlot High. She made choices, some horrible. Reforming herself would have been difficult if not for her friends. Now, as she goes on the road to redemption, she has a chance to give back what she has received...
Page generated in 0.093 seconds
Total duration
969 users online
2,271,175 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Sunset doesn't have a mom.
6424891 Okay, thanks. Head spinning since I have also have to write story articles, so things do get mixed up..
6424896
It's alright.
Good so far I will stay for a while see how this goes.
wow first comment.
well consider me intrigued.
I assume you where going for
"This time though that might be good"
otherwise good job so far.
6425448 Editing mistakes hehe I'm writing not just fanfic, but also news articles..
6425497 well practice makes perfect as they say. The News being the best you can get I suppose.
6425545 True. Writing news articles though is different from fanfics.
Let's see where this goes!
Do you type very fast?
Anyways, I liked this chapter. Especially how Rainbow became friends with Sonata.
6426997 Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. It depends on things like if I'm busy, or doing other things, or if I'm tired, etc.
I LOVE 80s music! It's not hard to find at all, if you find the right station. KOST 103.5 plays music from the 80s, 90s, and today. But not everyone has it due to differences in location. Anyway, I liked this chapter, I can't wait to see Pinkie and Sonata get deeper into their friendship during the school year, it's like a new sisterly bonding!
Freaking love 80's music it's just so freaking good.
Oh it's soooooooooo cute, how their becoming sisters, hopefully she can get the same protection from Maud.
So CUTE! Sister bonding, I loves it!!! But Adagio's not holding back on this one
Be on your guard, girls! 
And yeah, you never really do anything on the first day, the only thing I usually worry about is getting to class and picking the seat in the back row before anyone else can get to it 
Whoa. What a chapter! Adagio's freaking losing it!!! Good thing Sunset knows combat. But I fear for their safety greatly.
6434009 Thanks so much for reading. It's so nice reading your comments. Always appreciate it! And yes, Adagio did lose it pretty bad there. But Sonata's turning out real well, and she will-hopefully-be even better.
Man sunset just completely wrecked adagio without even touching her.
6434112 It's more psychological than anything; Adagio's consumed by anger and rage, and Sunset didn't even need to hit her, but just drive her to her breaking point. Unfortunately, what happened was Adagio seemed to have stayed broken...
6434124 oh yeah, I got that part, and it was Amazingly well done by the way, I just really wanted to point that out.
6434131 Thanks
6434075 Hey, no problem! I love this story!
Also, I've noticed that this is actually your first story here! I never would have known, you write so well! Let me officially welcome you to Fimfiction 
6434244 Thanks for the welcome ^_^
I feel that this needs a sequel.
6434272 Well I will work on it, but not yet soon. I have some story ideas but I will get around to it, eventually...
6436103
Have you ever though of an Rainbow vampire story? (AU Human)
6436872 Not really. Maybe I might consider, though I've generally learned my lesson in having an over-abundance of characters in one story (made a cross Sailormoon-XMen-G.i. Joe-Marvel-DC fanfic. Needless to say it got unwieldy pretty fast).
6436884
Okay.
out there who care for you
it's a test for
really minded what others
when will the band practice
That's all for this chapter (by all means tell me if im wrong)
This was good for a first story, but I saw a good deal of spelling and grammar errors, so well as a lot of telling-not-showing going on. You don't need to explain to us who Sunset and the rest of the girls are; odds are that if we're reading fanfics for Equestria Girls, then we are already familiar with those characters. The narration also seemed too...formal for the mood of the story. I noticed a few moments where characters acted or spoke out of character. For instance, I'm fairly certain that Adagio wouldn't have thrown the first punch in her fight with Sunset. She'd likely have Aria and Crescenda act first. She also had her moments where she sounded like your cliche James Bond villain, which started to sound a tad ridiculous after a while. Then we have this moment:
Rainbow Dash would never refer to something as "lovely". She'd use words like "awesome", "cool", and the like. While we're on this quote, don't be afraid to use contractions; they make dialogue seem more realistic. Lastly, and I saw this throughout the entire story, is your placement of commas in quotes. When you're ending your quote with a comma (which you've been doing correctly), put the comma inside the quotation marks, not outside.
I also noticed that you seem to be confusing "anymore" and "any more". They mean two different things. For example:
The first is a state of being or finality, the second is a comparison.
Lastly, regarding Crescenda: she seemed...superfluous. She didn't really matter to the story. All she did was butt heads with Adagio, and Aria could've easily done that on her own. I felt like you could take Crescenda out of the story and it wouldn't have changed. Also (and this is nit-picky), the musical term is "crescendo", not "crescenda". Don't be afraid of that "o" at the end; Adagio's name also ends with an "o".
About chapter and story title capitalizations: You're right to capitalize the first word in the title, regardless of the word. However, after that, only capitalize important words. Don't capitalize articles and prepositions. So the final chapter would be entitled "A Gym and an Alleyway", for example.
I think that's it. Hope this helps, and keep practicing
!
6505166 Thanks for the comments. About the character explanation: yes, for fans an explanation is probably not needed, but if one would have this for a wider audience, then a brief explanation is generally needed. Most writers I also notice do give brief explanations about the characters, regardless whether the reader is familiar with them or not. When I was reading this site's guide on writing fanfics, one of the things that got to me was this issue; writers should give brief backgrounds or explanations about the character, especially about the main character and even the protagonist. This serves as a refresher for those familiar, and also gives something about the characters for those who aren't.
Yes, I tend to be formal in writing. Maybe it's because of my age, and maybe it's because I tend to also read books that are more, shall we say, formal.
I may have been used to using the British style in placing commas outside of quotes; American style will put them inside the quotes. Anyway, thanks for that.
I admit that Crescenda was more of an add-in character to fill out the void left by both Sonata and Adagio, since having Aria all to herself wouldn't look good, and I don't see Aria being much of a loner. She might have an aloof attitude, but definitely she's not a loner. I'll have to work on Crescenda more in subsequent stories, just to give her more depth. Or not, depending on how much I do plan to use her.
I took the liberty to transliterate Crescendo to Cresecenda in the same way that Matthew transliterated petra to Petros. Crescendo will simply not work for a female. I can see why Adagio's name remained as is, since Adagia doesn't sound nice and would probably sound strange, though maybe if used more often Adagia wouldn't sound strange either.
As for RD...darn I'll have to go through the story to find where that is. I have a tendency to forget some details once I am into another story or task.
6505392 I can get behind a small bit of exposition for each character. However, my problem here is that it's more a case of show vs. tell. Sure, you can tell me that Rarity is into fashion, but it's much better to show me, like so:
This way, the reader can deduce not only that Rarity must view fashion (and her own outward appearance) as important, but also that Applejack does not view such things as high-priority (but she still accepts that part of Rarity). This also has the benefit of information being shown with a bit of entertaining dialogue and character interaction.
I was unaware that the British did their dialogues that way. You learn something new every day
.
Onto Crescenda, I do hope to see her character fleshed out a little more, since right now, she seems to be a second Aria. I'm overall fine with keeping her name Crescenda, rather than Crescendo, since you knew the term was the latter, but deliberately chose to go with the former.
Lastly, regarding Rainbow's odd dialogue: You can find it in the fifth chapter. Use you Find function to search "lovely". You'll find it.
6505166 Forgot to add about this that you wrote:
I think this is more a matter of style. My job right now is to write news articles, and in many of the news articles I see the headline always, or almost always, capitalize prepositions and articles. I simply follow that convention. My editor would probably get mad at me if I don't follow that as well.
6506528 I really don't think it's a matter of style, but of the difference between news articles and literature.
I'm not surprised that Sonata is Pinkie lite with a side of tacos.
Additional notes really: After more than two years, I read my work again and felt the need to explain, not that it's actually needed. But still. For one, the setting: when this was done, Friendship Games was still coming out and Everfree of course has not been even known yet. Ever since having this written, those two as well as the web shorts have come out. So...the setting will have to be after Everfree, though at the time of its writing it was more after RR but before FG. I would think the setting would be fluid, depending on how many more movies would come out, though I would just stop short of the web shorts themselves.
Also, noted some errors in my work. IMO They're not that major as to actually detract from the story again IMO. I would think most wouldn't notice them, but since I did the story I did notice the errors...
7821484
A bit late in my reply, but yeah I am not that surprised as well. I am sure Sonata fans would notice their personality similarities as well.
I'm now shipping Sunset Pie
Maybe it's a British style thing, but commas outside of the quotation marks is really quite jarring, especially since the rest of the punctuation is within. It seems really weird to be that inconsistent.
Additionally, while the narration was primarily past tense, there were a number of instances where you switched to present tense.
Those jars and flubs aside, I'm interested to see where this goes.
The story's been developing pretty okay so far, but man, your tenses are wack. You even had a moment of future tense in the narration
Ahhh, interesting. Now I'm wondering if you're even a native speaker.
Anyhow, this was a much heavier dialogue chapter, and it felt a bit... stilted. Wooden. It didn't feel like natural dialogue.
Man, sections like this just feel so wooden and stilted. The dialogue as a whole feels like that, but this part was especially so.
Overall, this story had some decent ideas. They were just bogged down by some wooden dialogue and overly formal narration.