Pokerface
Chaos Hold'em Poker
By Naughty_Ranko
Discord was shuffling the deck of cards with a slight hint of irritation. It was only the thirteenth time, but there was nothing else to do.
“You're gonna wear out the deck,” Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, better known as Caligula, said, sitting to his left at the poker table and sipping his spiced wine.
“They're late,” the draconequuus grumbled.
“They're always late. We could start without them.”
“Poker no fun with just three people,” Genghis Khan, sitting on Discord's right, said in his broken accent.
“We could play Skat while we wait,” Caligula suggested.
“Then I'd have to rearrange the deck, Cali,” Discord moaned. “Besides, Johann would just get pissed off for not getting to play that instead of poker later.”
“So what have you been up to, Tenji?” Gaius asked, probably more to break the silence than out of genuine interest. Tenji was his nickname for Genghis Khan, whose real name was Tenmujin.
“Ah, I become father last week. It's a boy,” the Mongol declared proudly.
“Well, congratulations,” Gaius raised his cup. “To his good health! You and Börte must be so proud.”
“Oh, no. Not Börte. One of my other wives. I already have four sons by her. Would confuse succession even more.”
“Hm, that's the difference between you and me. Some people have too many heirs, some have too few. I'm gonna be succeeded by my uncle at this rate.”
There was a knock at the door and a yellow pegasus mare stuck her head through the frame. “Is there anything else I can get you?” she asked in a sweet voice. “Snacks?”
“No, Fluttershy,” Discord said, sitting up straight and his voice going soft. “Please don't mind us. It's already so kind of you to let us use your house for our game. We were supposed to meet at Tenmujin's this week.”
The Khan bowed to Fluttershy. “Save us, you did. Forgot planned raid. Suddenly home not there. Tents gone. Must go and find them tomorrow.”
“Anyway, please don't trouble yourself any further on our account.”
“Alright,” the mare said with a bright smile. “I'll just stay out of your way. You boys have fun.”
Caligula glanced over at Discord with a sly grin. “So about you and that Fluttershy, Dissy. Any progress?”
Discord sighed. “I don't know. We're still friends, I suppose, but things have been so awkward after the Tirek incident. I might have screwed up for good.”
He then looked back over at the great Khan. “Say, Tenji. You've got a bijillion wives. Don't you have any tips for Dissy?”
Tenmujin crossed his arms. “Tradition. But my heart only belong to Börte. Shining star of my life, she is. Marriage arranged, when young,” he said while nodding. “But fight for her, I did. Prove my love before wedding.”
“How'd you do that?” Discord seemed genuinely interested. Maybe he could find a way to do something similar for Fluttershy.
“Well, bridesmaids bring me sheep. I break sheep's neck with bare hands in front of her … “
“Let me stop you right there, Tenji,” Discord interjected, holding up his lion's paw. “There's nothing worse, I can think of, to do to Fluttershy than hurting an animal. She'd be crying for a week straight.”
That made the Khan frown. “She get abducted a lot?” he finally asked, stroking his beard. “I once raided entire enemy camp, with three people only, to rescue Börte.”
“Duuuuude! That's so romantic,” one of the two men stumbling into the room babbled loudly. “Mind if I use that in my next book? Got this crazy idea about a dude who makes a deal with the devil. And then he travels back in time to look for this hottie in Troy. Totally ripping off that Homer dude. But he's not here to complain.”
“Finally,” Discord grumbled at the duo. “Did you take a wrong turn at the agora or something, Socrates?”
“Hey, I was on time,” the Greek Philosopher defended himself gruffly and then poured his companion into the chair next to Caligula. He straightened out and pushed his hands against his back. “I'm getting too old for this shit. In case you couldn't tell, Johann here is high as a kite again. Had to drag his sorry ass all the way here.”
Caligula looked with disdain towards Johann Wolfgang von Goethe and held his nose. “What's that revolting smell? Have you been sniffing rotten apples again?”
“Ya, man. That's the good stuff. Always keep some in my desk and my pockets.” Johann gave him a cross-eyed look. “Dude, you've got a red ribbon around your neck or something.”
Discord sighed and started handing out the cards. “The worst thing about playing poker with drugged people, they have no tells. Or they're all tells, but they don't relate to their cards.”
“Hey, Dissy, I'm helping myself to some of your girlfriend's booze,” Socrates said, raiding Fluttershy's nearby liquor cabinet, pouring himself a drink, and finally sitting down between Johann and Genghis.
“You're gonna drink yourself to death one of these days,” Discord told him, making a mental note to snap his fingers at the end of the night to clean the room and replenish Fluttershy's stores.
“Really,” Caligula agreed. “And you're such a rude fellow, too. I always thought Greece was the pinnacle of civilization, at least until Rome came along.”
“Ah, what do you know, you pampered sack of shit? At least I fought with my army, rather than play the mascot. Right, Little Boots?”
Caligula blushed. “Don't call me that.” He hated that nickname with a passion.
“Alright, settle down,” Discord interjected. “Now that we're all here. The game is Texas Hold'em, small blind is ten bits, big blind twenty. Blinds double after every round.”
As the game got underway, Socrates couldn't help but comment on the earlier discussion that was interrupted by his and Johann's arrival. “So you got women trouble, huh, Dissy?”
Discord felt like he was gonna regret asking, but getting some more opinions probably couldn't hurt. “What's your advice, then?”
He shrugged, folding his hand. “If she doesn't at least put out soon, kick the bitch to the curbstone. Women are nothing but trouble. Why do you think I'm never at home with that wife of mine?”
“Careful how you talk about Fluttershy,” Discord warned, taking offense to the word bitch.
Socrates scratched his cheek and took a long drink of whatever he had mixed himself. “No offense. Just saying, you should get yourself some students instead.” He laughed. “Having a posse of college guys hang on your every word is pretty nifty. I'm old enough to buy the booze for all of us, so they give me all their money and I get to keep the change. There's this one guy, who started writing every little fart that comes to my head down. At least Johann here has to sober up from time to time for spell-checking purposes. I only have to sit in the market place and talk out of my ass.”
“I'll raise twenty,” Caligula said, then looked over at Discord with compassion. “Listen, we probably can't help you all that much. Equestria is just too different a culture from ours. Tenji's suggestion made that pretty much clear. I can't even imagine what it would be like to live in a land run by ponies.”
Socrates slapped both hands on the table and laughed uproariously, almost falling out of his chair. “That's rich, coming from a guy who made his horse a consul!”
Caligula grunted. “For the last time, I did it to infuriate those pompous senators on purpose. Why doesn't anybody get that?” He flailed his arms wildly at the half-truths he'd heard so many times. “Go on, lay it on me! You're not happy, unless you let it all out, are you? Wanna comment on how I made war on Poseidon and ordered my troops to collect seashells as booty?”
Johann began to snicker. “Caligula collects seashells by the seashore.”
“Not helping, Johann,” Tenmujin grumbled.
Discord laid a talon on his friend's arm. “Calm down, Cali. We all know that you were just giving the order to break tents. It's not your fault that the Latin language fell into such decline later.”
Suddenly Johann slammed his cards on the table. “Hah! Gin Rommé!” He looked around at the rest of them. “What?”
Discord put one talon over his eyes. It was gonna be one of those evenings. “Speaking of gin. Socrates, how about you mix us some of that special stuff of yours?”
The philosopher grinned. “Five Gin Hemlock, coming up.”
* * *
Discord blinked, the first rays of the sun hitting him along with the first hints of a mighty hangover.
“Good morning, Discord.”
“Hm, g'morning, Fluttershy,” he mumbled back. He closed his eyes to get some more sleep. Then he realized that this wasn't his bed. His eyes popped open and he looked at the pink-haired mare next to him under the covers. “Fluttershy. … Did we?”
“Hm-hm.” She snuggled closer to him. It was a wonderful feeling. “We did. It was very nice, even though I had to help you a bit with the aiming process.”
He looked at her with a questioning glance.
“Don't make me spell it out for you. It's embarrassing,” she answered his unspoken question while blushing.
For the first time in, what was probably a long time, he blushed as well. “Uhm, I hate to admit it. But my memory of last night is a little fuzzy. What happened, I mean before we …?”
“Well, it was about midnight, and I was sitting in my living room, reading a book after giving Angel his late-night snack. Your friends pushed you towards me and told me that you had something to say.”
“They did?”
Fluttershy nodded. “You all seemed pretty drunk. I was so surprised, when you looked directly at me and shouted at the top of your lungs: 'Fluttershy! I love you!'”
“I did?”
She nodded, looking up at him with teary eyes. “Maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but I've been waiting for you to say it for so long.” She bit her lip. “I'm an awful mare. I took advantage and brought you up to my bedroom. Your friends were even cheering and clapping their hands while we walked up the stairs.”
Discord sighed and held her close. “No, you're not. And you didn't take advantage of me.” He lifted her chin up with one finger. “Let me say it again, so there can be no doubt this time. I love you, Fluttershy. I'm just sorry it took me so long to say it.”
“That makes me so happy, Discord.”
As the two of them leaned in to have a kiss, there was suddenly a loud crash from the general direction of the kitchen. “Sweet! So many apples! I wonder if there are any rotten ones.”
“Johann! Put the apples down, before we have disaster on our hands,” Socrates' voice could be heard in response.
“They're still here?” Discord asked.
“Well, they were afraid that you might snap them to the wrong time or place in your state last night. So I told them, they could sleep here.” Fluttershy climbed out of bed and walked toward the door. “Let's all have breakfast together.” There was a bit of a twinkle in her eye, and for a second there it seemed as if she wiggled her plot at him. “Afterwards you and I can spend some time alone and I'll fill you in on last night's details.”
Discord grinned like an idiot, even after Fluttershy had left the room to help with breakfast. So his poker buddies must have gotten him wasted on purpose, then pushed him to confess with a little liquid courage. “Friends are a wonderful thing, aren't they? I guess friendship really is magic.”
“Cali, come help,” Tenmujin could be heard through the open window. “I see sheep, right over there.”
Discord smiled, then his smile turned into an expression of horror at the implications of that. “SHEEP!” he shouted, bolting out of the room to avert catastrophe.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- taitofan · 1.9k words · 170 1 · 6.7k views
- JaelynPotons · 2.1k words · 90 1 · 4.8k views
- RoyalCanterlotVoice98 · 1.8k words · 67 6 · 3.7k views
- Dashie1995 · 4.5k words · 33 5 · 2.1k views
- Fluttercordfan · 15k words · 41 2 · 2k views
- fluttercord45 · 10k words · 89 6 · 3.2k views
- Chloe The Great · 5.6k words · 61 8 · 2.7k views
- JaelynPotons · 17k words · 76 8 · 3.8k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.117 seconds
Total duration
979 users online
86,850 hits today, 2,591,549 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
No! Not the Sheep!
Strange and enjoyable, I loved eet.
OMFG A Story by Naughty Ranko that isn't Clop or her Highschool DxD Crossover
Jokes aside this was a very entertaining Story with an interesting Premise
Well, that was different
But funny 
I now can't help but think that Caligula, Genghis and Goethe would make a good harem for Luna. Socrates, meanwhile, rolls in the hay with Big Mac. While Twilight watches.
4809580
Well, Caligula, Genghis and Luna certainly would have a lot to talk about. They're all a little misunderstood. I can see what you're insinuating with Socrates and Big Mac there. Those crazy Athenians.
But I think Goethe may have a better time partying with Berry Punch and Pinkie Pie.
XD that was great! If you make a sequel, can you put Loki in it? Think of all the horse jokes!
4809613
Oh, there's an interesting idea. Gods from different mytholgies instead of historical figures. I'll have to think about that.
This was great fun. Nice collection of figures. And that idea with the gods, I suggest doing it with gods from whatever you want, not just real life mythology. It's been done before, but I can just see Discord and Sheogorath being best buds over being random.
And Flutters being embarrassed after the first night is adorable, oddly enough.
This.... just made my entire week^^ *is still laughing so hard*
great job^^
Socrates was especially hilarious. I am greek and take no offense to the jokes.
Favliked.
4809807
It's all in good fun, after all. I'm German and Goethe still got his as well. It's not really about the nationalities anyway. It's more about these personalities and the preconceived notions we have of them.
4809604
(RoyalCanterlotVoice) First, we shall drink and commiserate over how the bloodshed overshadowed our many real accomplishments, and then we shall commence the orgy! (/RoyalCanterlotVoice)
That too
I was also thinking of the common fanon that Big Mac is a deceptively deep thinker. On the other hand, it seems here that Socrates himself might not be as deep as his fanboy Plato presented him as 
4809823 But i am just saying i can take a joke about a great Greek figure._
That was hilarious! And I'd love to see what would happen with Discord playing Poker with some gods. Oh, especially if Zues was there, so Discord can get super over-protective when Zues makes a comment about what a lovely pony Fluttershy is while stroking his beard.
And is it weird I have the sudden mental image of a short epilogue chapter where Fluttershy is explaining what all happened between her and Discord last night and she gets up to when she closed them in her room all alone...
Discord: ...what?
I don't know which would be funnier: Fluttershy deliberately trolling him that way to show she can be a prankster too; that she was being kinky; or that that's what she genuinely thinks a couple does in the bedroom because of a misunderstanding with her parents when she was younger involving a late night glass of water and wet sheets.
Good one although Fluttershy seem too brave in this, or maybe we just dont know her when she want the D
oh good god my sides! It hurts! The laughter! To much!
This was SO funny!
Please no, the chaos would be too much. Although it would be hilarious.
Lol little boot is never going to live down appointing a horse to the senate even thou he only did it to show how stupid the they were and how there word doesn't matter and the Caesar is the only word that matters. But even thou with all that stupid stuff he did at lest he was a better ruler than Tiberius. It would have bin cooler if you added more people like Rameses II (the pharaoh of the 19th dynasty) or maybe Richard Nixon. And made it longer cuz I wish I could see more of the conversations that would go on between all them. But all in all it was a great story. I fucking love history
Your story was nice, but the romance part kind of killed it for me. Still great story!
4809823 you can say that again
Wunderbar. *claps*
This really made my morning.
4810839
I was actually considering putting in a Pharao, before I settled on Socrates as the fourth member. But then I would have probably gone for Hatshepsut, the 18th Dynasty Queen, and maybe even her stepson Tutmosis III. I find their relationship fascinating, and I don't believe he destroyed her momuments after death out of hatred for denying him the throne, but because the priesthood and public opinion forced him to.
Nixon would have been a little out of my comfort zone. My interests and education range from ancient times till the Middle Ages, maybe a little into early modern times. American history isn't really my strong suit, so I stuck to things I knew.
In the end I decided to keep it at four people. Makes the story tighter.
4810856
Well, originally I just had the five guys shooting the breeze in a non-descript location. But that was a little too random. By revolving the discussion around the Discord/Fluttershy relationship, and having the four historical personalities dish out relationship advice, it focused the story quite a bit. So I decided to relocate them and actually bring Fluttershy herself into the story, so I could actually have some pay-off for that.
I am going to make so many fisting jokes.
All the best times in my life happen around a poker game. The best of times.
~Reggie
4813216 Hatshepsut would have been a good idea and your right Nixon alto he did do a lot of good things as president like he Established the Environmental Protection Agency and Occupational Safety and Health Administration but nobody cared about all the good.
they only care about Watergate. he wouldn't be good in the story cuz of his personality I would instead pick President Andrew Jackson he did some stuff that's important like the Spoils system
But it's more because of his personality a down to earth cocky
Asshole. he was the first President that wasn't in politics or a army general but since your not that big on Presidents what about the Babylonian Dynasty,
Ancient Mesopotamia like Hammurabi That eye for an eye dude or Ashurbanipal he was the first egghead you know because he made the first library.
It's good to finally find a guy or girl (or who ever you are) that knows about history. everyone I know hates history or doesn't know what I'm talking about.
4817840
Girl, if you want to know. I have a master's degree in history, actually. Although my specialty is the Middle Ages, Roman and Greek history has also been a big part in my lectures and courses.
Unfortunately the early cultures like Egypt and Mesopotamia weren't really part of my curriculum, although there are written sources. But for the most part they're firmly in the domain of the archeologists. I've had a big interest in Egypt since childhood, but admittedly I don't know that much about the ancient near East, except in the instances where they have contact with Egypt, either through war or trade.
I'm happy to see someone appreciate all the historical bits in this story. I was afraid that some of it might go over peoples' heads.
4818054 oh damn. I sometimes forget how there are many different age groups of people that are on this site. I usually think everyone is a 17 year old teenager like myself.
And you know what's weird is I have read some of your other story's but I didn't know you were the author of all of them. Witch means you must be doing something right if multiple story's of yours pulled me into reading them and I didn't know they were linked to you.
(Also on a side note do you have to see season 2 of high school dxd for your crossover because I have only seen season one but man I love the plot and main characters, the feels and emotions. but as a guy I never thought I'd say. because of that show I got tired of seeing boobs.)
4818143
You'll get what's going on, even if you haven't seen Season 2, for the most part. But there's gonna be some pretty heavy spoilers for it.
I do have another option for you, though. Instead of watching the second Season of the anime, you could also read volumes 3 and 4 of the light novels here:
Fan Translation Page That's what Season 2 is based on.
4818182 alright thanks. It was nice talking to you. Sense I fallow some of your story's and now you. ill see you around kind stranger. Have a nice day... Or night depending on where you are.
This is fucking funny as hell. XD
Oh god, those five playing poker and now this? I wish, I wish, oh I wish deeply that there is a sequel to this of like a second poker game, but with other people. Like maybe Applejack and a few Cowboys or Indians like Sitting Bull, Billy the Kid, and others.
Surprisingly mild, but entertaining as hell! Nice!
Why am I not surprised that Discord would play poker with them? A conqueror, an emperor, a poet known for being drunk or high, and a philosopher. Shame they couldn't play Tenmujin place because he lost his house in the packing. Not many can say that.
he could of asked me to play poker to i love it and i could of gave Discord better dateing tips then Genghis, Johann, Caesar and Socrates too
Loved it.
Very enjoyable story.
hey, muy buena historia, me encanta la conversación y los consejos que le dan a Discord, fue muy divertido leer esto, sin duda una de las mejores historias que he leído. La única cosa que me genera algo de ruido es que Fluttershy se haya animado a tener intimidad la primera noche después de su confesión, fue inesperado y dulce pero bastante rápido en mi opinión