• Member Since 5th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen 19 hours ago

Hyper Matter


Brother Sister Tag Team Writer Duo

T
Source

Once, she was a prisoner, beaten and tortured by grotesque horrors.

Once, she was an honored knight, decorated and respected as the strongest of warriors.

Once, she had touched godhood, revered as divine by the people.

And once, she was even a coward, running far from her responsibilities.

But what is she now? Lost, broken, alone, fallen? She is all of these things, but most importantly she's alive.

------

When Big Macintosh finds an injured pegasus mare in the Apple family's new barn, he and the rest of his family take it upon themselves to see her back to full health. Soon, they see that the mare carries with her an aura of mystery thicker than anypony could ever imagine, bringing with it both new adventure and enlightening experiences.

------

A Magic: The Gathering and MLP crossover. I don't own them, Hasbro does.
Editing by Alovelylittlecomplex and Dark Tendencies

Featured on 8/7/2014. Thank you everyone for the support.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 152 )

Ooh! FiMFiction needed more Elspeth. I'm following this story.

4812511

Thank you for the follow! And yes, I plan to Elspeth this place up!

Insta-like because Elspeth. Nuff' said. Still, fimfiction also needs more crazy-possesed Garruk and wicked Jace.

aaand you turned her into a pony :facehoof: :twilightangry2:

aaand you turned her into a pony :yay::rainbowkiss:

If the spark was used she wouldn't of transformed into a pony. I mean it doesn't transform you into the primary race on that plane.:facehoof::twilightangry2:

There were a couple words you repeated in there but Imma trust you'll work on that.
I look forward to more chapters :twilightsmile:

"....but his hoof metal with an unyielding barrier ..."
I assume this is supposed to be "met with"

I always figured Heliod was going to be a jerk. Sure, I have a deck devoted to the guy, but that doesn't mean I like him. Honestly it wasn't a surprise when he betrayed Elspeth.

Hm... I'm not one for these 'Human turns to pony stories', but I'll admit that I'm liking this one so far. A few spelling errors, but asides from that it quite good. I'm going to have to be sure to keep my eye on this. Until next time,
-Sphinx

4813782 Hehheh, Devoted.
That said, I will add only this: Ajani, Mentor of Heroes is best 'Jani.
Please continue.

found a mastake on the front page

themselves to see her bad to full health

do you mean back

4814615

That was in the summary... Thank you so much! Having bad errors in a summary is a turn off for many people.

4813663

Fixed. Thank you so much!

4812974
4812821

Sorry! Will you give the story a few more chapters to see if you can handle it though?


4813541

Repeated like "to to" or repeated as in I used the same phrase or word too often?

4814714 ferret likes it since :yay: means yay. I was the other skeptic.

4813033

I know exactly what the spark does. I also know that it's limits were almost as endless as the Blind Eternities themselves. Anyway, Elspeth's body is dead and Erebos is going to keep it. He only forced her soul to planeswalk.

In the olden days before the Mending, Planewalkers were like Doctor Manhattan. Immortal beings of pure energy. They were gods, they could do anything that they wanted to do almost. What I did here was remove Elspeth's body from the equation. It took planeswalkers a conscious effort and a long time to reconstitute a new body the first time they needed to. Elspeth isn't a master of human anatomy, and the spark is no longer strong enough to sustain her as a being of dispersed energy.

So it did what it could with what it had. It used Equestria's mana to fashion her a pony body then used her sense of self to add the finishing touches which is why she's a pegasus and why she's still hurt and has her armor.

Is it a perfect explanation? No. Is it possible in MTG? Yes. I'm sorry that you don't agree with what I've done here. I will be taking liberties with canon on both sides, but I try to keep it within the realm of shenanigans that the writers of MTG's books would do.


4813782

Thank you for looking past the element that you didn't like and finding the story enjoyable. I hope I can keep you interested with future chapters.

4814714

You're apologizing to both of us? :rainbowhuh:

I actually like ponies, fyi

4814822

I see that now... I just know that ponification seems to have a pretty big list of people who hate it on this site. I kinda jumped the gun.

4814835

I wouldn't say it's a big list so much as a noisy one. :trixieshiftright:

In your summary of the story, we find this:

When Big Macintosh finds and injured pegasus mare in the Apple family's new barn

Now, I assume you mean an instead of and but if you did mean and for some reason, you might want to change the tense of the next word to present tense. That way it will look like this: When Big Macintosh finds and injures a pegasus mare in the Apple Family's new barn. It just flows better when everything is in the same tense.

:twilightsmile:





But of course, I know you meant my former suggestion.

It's an interesting start, and a better 'end' for Elspeth, compared to how Wizards alluded to the fact that she would return as one of the Returned.

However, there are more than a few errors that make it difficult to stay immersed. The problems aren't spelling-related, except maybe occurring because of spellcheck. Don't just rely on that.

4815169
4815266

Thank you both for the feedback. I caught that little error in the summary and fixed it right up.

As for spellcheck, I know it's unreliable, often changing from website to website. Which is why I always add words and such when needed, but I also know that processors aren't perfect for grammar and such which is why I'm also looking for a small team of editors and prereaders to help with grammar and ideas.

4815551

:yay: Excellent! I'm glad that I didn't totally butcher that.

:pinkiegasp: Elspeth's alive! (And she is the savior of at least one universe.)

A promising start. You have this weirdly inconsistent syntactic problem where you sometimes don't conjugate verbs or pluralize nouns, and there are a few extraneous "the"s floating around. You need a proofreader, but aside from those minor concerns, this looks like it's going to be fun. I look forward to more.

This is one of those things I never realized I wanted until it was out there.

Apart from the typos (if that's what they are,) it's solid storytelling and shows promise. Not perfect... but not bad, either.

It feels like it could just be... a tad more lively? Perhaps a little too much tell and not enough show? It's only one chapter so far, though, so do take my thoughts with a pinch of salt.

--/10 - "I Possibility Storm my Ornithopter into... Emrakul, the Aeons Torn!"
-That guy with a White-Blue token deck, Kenny

4815932

I know. I'm looking for an editor at the moment. Honestly, it's inconsistent because I was doing editing passing on it and released it, but I was sleepy when I did it. That combined with not having another set of eyes on it made releasing this chapter a mistake. I'm editing right now, but I have to leave for now.

Dang if clauses needing the use of infinitive conditionals. It'll be handled to the best of my ability until i get an editor. Thanks for the feedback and I'm glad that you enjoyed the story.

4816171
i agree with this guy, Nothing that can't get cleared up with a bit of practice

also: I now have no permanents, but it is still gonna take you a couple hundred turns to kill me.
-me with a mono-white mass life gain deck

Before I start reading(and I will read it happily) I like the idea of Elspeth in Equestria...but also is she dead? Because I heard that Heliod was a prick and killed her(sorry for spoilers) But insta-like if I do say so myself.

4816171
I'm that guy with a Green/White token deck in Commander.
Rhys, Parallel Lives, Fresh Meat...

4814714 The one where it doesn't make sense :pinkiehappy:
So, the first one lol
Also, this thing

while at the same time nearly nearly killing the anypony unlucky enough

Great, now that I'm looking for repeated words, they suddenly get harder to find :ajsleepy:

4815169 OH MY GOD HAHAHAHA, that's hilarious! Then he's like, STAY DOWN!

4816224 I'll happily edit for you if you want me to.

This has potential. The story is not unique but is tried and true and can be taken in many directions.

I do find it unacceptable that this was published without having a solid pass of editing. Remember, a spellchecker won't detect typos where the wrong word is used. Like "gently" should be "gentle". It is relatively easy to find an editor here.

4816346
Yep. Heliod killed her, and according to hints dropped by WotC, she is currently forging her golden mask.
The existence of this card, though, gives me hope that not only does Returned!Elspeth regain herself, but also manages to replace Heliod as a benevolent sun goddess. She deserves a break, after all.

4818045 sweet. I knew she would come back...kind of though that some plansewalkers helped her come back to life but still:twilightsmile:

Yeah, I'm liking this so far. A few minor errors, but nothing too damaging.
The inner geek in me wants to have my Elspeth next to me when I read this, but then my brain tells me that's fucking stupid. It's just paper.
:fluttercry:

You should get a pre-reader/editor. A number of errors plague this chapter, and, while not hugely annoying, it is distracting to some degree.

don't know who most of the characters are outside of the MLP side of things but I'm definitely interested

btw first paragraph,

The only thing remaining of the holy blade being the two gem that it once held.

shouldn't that be plural?

I just noticed the romance tag...
Please tell me this doesn't mean what I think it does...

4819504

The fact that I could catch your interest even though you aren't familiar with Magic:The Gathering puts a pretty big smile on my face. If you'd like I can link you to her wiki page, it'll lead you to even more stuff about her, but you may spoil stuff for yourself.

4820301 nah its fine, i tried the TCG a bit but i didnt stick to it for long. I think ive read a few stories that had characters from Magic the Gathering, but at the moment i cant remember them.

as for interest, pegasi is my favorite race and i love finding stories with them as the primary protagonist, and I do like human turned pony stories ^^

now only to see if you do well in future chapters, so far your writing is good, and easy to read. looking forward to more chapters

4820291

That you're going to pair Elspeth with a character from MLP
But don't get me wrong, it's not a bad idea at all... Well... Depends on the character.

By the way, I noticed a typo in your summary:

When Big Macintosh finds and injured pegasus mare in the Apple family's new barn, he and the rest of his family take it upon themselves to see her bad to full health.

I personally hate Theros, it is a useless sidetrack on the road to dealing with the problem, and that problem is not Garruk going kill happy, or Nicol Bolas scheming, or the Eldrazi doing something, we need to deal with New Phyrexia and we need to deal with it Now.

I'm following this story, this will be a fun ride.

4821903

Is that really still there? I changed it and saved the changes. It says back on my screen.

4823027

I don't think it's useless. While I agree that New Phyrexia is the big threat, they are just that. The big threat. Dealing with them will be held back for the climax or other monumental events. The rest of this is character building subplot. Elspeth and Koth tried, they really did, but no one is anywhere near the level of power needed to handle the Phyrexians.

I remember when they went after Yawgmoth in the old days back when planeswalkers were gods. They still nearly got bodied by Phyrexia. New Phyrexia's greatest strength is its greatest weakness now. They used to be a monotone, creeping threat, now they are dynamic. Driven to compleat based on the perverted sense of perfection of some powerful individuals.

These new walkers are nowhere near prepared to deal with this. At least they don't have artificial planeswalking tech yet. But when they rediscover it... oh boy.

4823810
Weird, it still says 'bad' on mine. No clue why though. It's only on the short description, by the way, if that helps at all.

4823834
Yeah you are right, I still remember that thy needed five editions (Mirage, Tempest, Urza's, Masques, Invasion if I am not mistaking) just to get rid of the first Phyrexia, the thing I am most scared of is, thy never told what happened to the body of Venser, did Karn took his body away from New Phyrexia or did he leave it there.
Elspeth's original body in the hands of Erebos is a minor thing to be concerned about, but the body of Venser in the hands of New Phyrexia, now that is a horror from beyond space and time.

A Phyrexian planeswalker, now that gives me nightmares.

I cant favorite this twice what the hell this is the story I have literally been waiting for forever. Thank you author for bringing us this masterpiece. I am such a fan of both MLP and Magic so thank you.

A MTG fic? Dammit! Why did I find this a minute before work? I'm gonna read this so hard when I get back. :pinkiecrazy:

Edit: Doing good, I'm liking it. I really don't know where this is going though. From the summary it feels like a slice of life but what Erebos said made it seem that this may turn into a adventure/battle fic. Maybe it will? Maybe The adventure/battle parts are being saved for a sequel? Maybe I'm looking too much into it~ IDK, whatever happens I'll stay tuned. :twilightsmile:

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