• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2012
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Biker_Dash


The Goal... 200+ mph in the Standing Mile. To Tartarus with academy records, I want to hold a Land Speed Record.


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Rarity and Rainbow Dash have been married a year now, but tensions have arisen which threaten to drive a wedge between the two of them. What can they do to strengthen their love?
This is the story of the reconciliation, rejuvenation, renewal and rebirth of the love which they have for each other within their hearts.


Cover art done by the wonderful artist, BlackBeWhite2k7
Preread by this awesome writer (and Son) DustyPwny
Written for the RariDash Shipping Challenge #2 in the RariDash group.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 10 )

A few notes:

What happened to the marriage that her and I had entered

This should be "she and I". Her is a posessive pronoun.

I noticed this several times in the story.

prismatic maned mare

This is one of those examples of LUS (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, which is now Lavender Alicorn Syndrome I suppose) where you use some sort of... overly descriptive term for a character.

Overview:

I'll admit that I started reading this story, and then... stopped. I lost interest in the first section, and stopped by Renewal.

It wasn't the stuff I noted above, either (though that was distracting).

It was lack of engagement. The writing never pulled me into the story, and it threw me in at the deep end. I had no time to care about Rarity and Rainbow Dash's relationship, merely was told that it was in trouble and that there was a problem to be solved. That... can work, if you build up engagement with the characters, but this story doesn't. I have no reason to really care about Rarity's problem here, because it isn't really emotionally engaging. There isn't enough build up to earn any satisfaction from their relationship getting fixed, and neither character really sounds totally in charater - when I read it, I'm not reminded of Rarity, even though it is told from the first person perspective. The language doesn't really quite fit her. Yes, some of the words were right, but the overall flow of the sentences is off.

Rainbow Dash's voice feels even more off, though, and does not feel like the character she is in the show.

When it goes into "expensive restaurant mode", it just... didn't feel right at all. I can see Rainbow Dash going to a really nice place as an apology, but the whole thing doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like how Dash would approach it.

In the end, I read fanfiction to read the characters and world. If I don't feel those things, and if the writing doesn't grip me, it just doesn't work and I slip out of the story.

For a story like this, you need the reader to buy into the relationship before you can really make the impact of its loss and rejuvenation really meaningful.

For a story like this, you need the reader to buy into the relationship before you can really make the impact of its loss and rejuvenation really meaningful.

It was written for a contest in the RariDash group. Chiefly, this story would be of interest to those members lol

Rainbow Dash's voice feels even more off, though, and does not feel like the character she is in the show.

I was trying to show that RD had changed over the years... Was a hard one for me to do actually. Had to have some changes in her character to make the shipping believable lol cause normally, I cannot see the two of them together

This should be "she and I". Her is a posessive pronoun.

Thank you for finding that. I shall make the correction

Next time, lets work a little more on the pacing and story plot. Titanium Dragon has a point. c:

Adding to my Read Later list...

Yeah, what Titanium Dragon said, I really wasn't engaged very much, and the writing felt rather linear. It's cute and all, but yeah...

Lovely story. Very enjoyable read. And I don't even like this 'ship very much. :raritywink:

I've written a review of this story in the Reviewer's Cafe, if you want to read, check it out here.

8066447 Thank you for the honest review. At some point, I may look at revising the story, and in that case, I might ask for your assistance in making it better by helping me with the points you mentioned in the review. :twilightsmile:

8066641 I'd be very happy to help. It's really sweet, just needs....more.

The four of the same letter both ponies' names start with

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