• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 43 minutes ago

Biker_Dash


The Goal... 200+ mph in the Standing Mile. To Tartarus with academy records, I want to hold a Land Speed Record.


T

When Princess Twilight Sparkle's years of research and study comes to its fruition, and a portal to another world is finally opened, a team of ponies is selected to go through. But as they go through, some strange creature comes through, and the exploration team finds itself trapped on an alien world that proves to be much more dangerous than they could have known.

In Equestria, Twilight now must find the way to reopen the portal, and to find out just what happened to the team she sent through. But how do you communicate with something that is completely foreign to you?

And others want to possess this creature as well. They feel that it could be the key to power. Power enough to take control of Equestria, as well as the world from which it came from.

Will Twilight be able to learn what she needs to learn to save her trapped friends, and keep this creature alive, so that it may return home?

Will she be able to bring the team back, or will they be doomed to die on a hostile world?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 66 )

Still as good as it was before :twilightsmile:

And let me say.. that image... Holy. Fuck. It's amazing :raritystarry:

2763522 Have it planned out (the next chapter)
Will be working on it as well as my other stories, which are in need of updating lol

Do you have entire story planned out or at least ending?
I have to say, this looks promising.

Did you get permission from VariusMayhem to use his cover art?:rainbowhuh:

You might want to change this stories name. It has already been taken.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/80924/when-worlds-collide <--- Story that already has this stories title.

2764383 You know how many times I have seen books and movies that are completely different with the same name? MANY times. So I do not think it will matter a whole lot, to be honest.

2763950 It was done via a random Google search, and by placing on the net in such a way to make it so readily available, it has kinda entered the realm of it being public domain. As long as I am not using it for any monetary gain, then I shall be fine.

2764421

>gets informed of using someone elses image
Nah the owner will not get angry that I used it without giving him credit.
>gets informed of having same name of other story
It isn't a problem. Not like people looking for his story will find mine (or vice versa).

You're story 100,000 according to the URL :twilightsmile:

HOLY HELL! What kind of black magic did you use to get 100000????
:twilightoops:
Tell me, mentor of darkness! :raritydespair:

BTW: Awesome story

OMG this is impressive! And why is your story number 100000? Lucky son of a mare...

I like the aviator Reference.

Hmm... This story has a lot to like; it's a cool concept, but also has a lot of things I find a bit questionable.

The writing is sort of terse and sketchy, could use more descriptiveness and fleshing-out of scenes and events. Also, some of the dialog is a bit awkward. I mean... "And how will we be getting home now?" That's awkward. "And how are we gonna get home now?" would sound more like RD.

I'm confused by the importance of the amulet, which wasn't explained well. I could see it being needed for them to return home -- but even if Twilight makes a replacement now, it'll still be in Equestria, not with the stranded ponies who need it. How does that help? Will they have to send another pony through with the amulet, then he finds the rest and brings them all back?

The explanation of why Trixie is there was appreciated, but I was actually more startled by the presence of Fancy Pants. I hope we find out how that came about.

I'm a little irked by all the Twilicorn and Season Three (AKA Season Bogus) references, but I guess that's something I'll just have to learn to live with from now on, in a lot of fics. :facehoof:

276476927649702765477
I actually planned for a long time to get story #100,000. Stories are numbered by when they are created. So, I just typed in www(dot)fimfiction(dot)net/story/9999x, and when it came up that 99,998 was created, I typed in 99,999 and kept refreshing until it changed from "story does not exist" to there being a story created.

Once 99,999 came up, in another tab, I had it ready to go, and I hit the create story button.

Trip, just ask Kim how long I kept hitting the F5 button lol

2767590 Yeah... I gotta work on my writing skills some more.

As to the importance of the amulet, that will be explained further. Some via revision, and more in later chapters

Fancy Pants, his story comes out soon. But, if you consider how he is in the show, it would make sense that he would enjoy the idea of joining in on something as momentous as this. (though I think he would have been blocked from joining by his wife had they actually thought there was a real risk)

As for Twilacorn, and S3, welp, it happened. And, having happened, a LOT of writers are gonna use it. Granted, three of my stories completely ignore that S3 and the Alicornification ever happened...

Some notes:
You switch between tenses erratically

Once that was done, Celestia called for the doctor to return so that he could check for further injuries. Turning to her niece, Celestia thanked her for the assistance she had provided.

And

...Goodnight Luna,” she says as she leaves the table.

Are in different tenses. I would recommend sticking with the first tense shown (the past participle), as you did for most of the chapter.

The human's reaction to seeing Celestia is rather overblown. Considering their eye/head ratio, most humans would find ponies absolutely adorable, and therefore nonthreatening. Even if ponies were terrifying, consider this: seeing some variety of scary alien, would you be more likely to sit in stunned silence, trying to comprehend what's hapoened, or immediately scream and flail without considering whether this is some sort of dream or hallucination?

Show, don't tell, especially concerning dialouge. For example, instead of tacking on "she said excitedly," focus on interjections and exclamation marks. Dialouge should be able to carry the speaker's emotional state on its own. Showing and telling is redundant, and clogs up the dialouge, so chopping off the telling makes your dialouge smoother overall.
E.g.

“Hey, Twilie! Good to see you,” came his greeting as she walked in.

Since we knew that twilight was entering tthe room from the previous paraghraph, and this is shining's first line, your readers would assume that statement is a greeting, making the addedum partially redundant. That statement could be changed to

As twilight walked into the room, she heard “Hey, Twilie! Good to see you!"

“Aye lassie, an’ Ah suspect ye left a brown trail ‘alf the way back ‘ere as well!” Faber added, laughing heartily in his thick Scoltish brogue. 

Here, you could remove the "in his thick Scoltish brouge." You've already shown that Faber talks in a brougue, so it isn't necessary to specify that it's thick. Inforing us that it's a "Scoltish" brouge instead of a "Scottish" brouge could be necessary, I don't claim to know you intentions, but sacrificing dialouge flow for a pun is unecessary.

Finally, we know barely anything about the human, besides hinting at a dark past and a love for hang gliding. Make sure to not fall into the trap of making your charachter based entirely on his dark past though, there are far too many angsty charachters with tragic backstories, and while darker charachters are interesting once in a while your charachter wouldn't really stand from all the others.

That bieng said, I wouldn't have bothered trying to critique your fanfiction if there weren't redeeming qualities. I liked that twelve ponies made it to the human side, so they can rely on each other and not charitable humans. I also appreciate you including alicorn twilight: I'm not a big fan of the transformation, but people will have to deal with it eventually. Furthermore, It's nice seeing Celestia as regal and wise,but not an all knowing mary-sue or an evil dictator.

By the way, you'll likely have to pose some sort of height limit on the pegasi on Earth, I figure that since magic is far less on earth and pegasi absolutely need magic to fly, a sudden drop in magical availability would hinder their ability to go to far from their power source.

2769605

You switch between tenses erratically

Yeah... that is a difficulty I have yet to overcome. Have the issue is how my mind works, I am working on that flaw of mine!

The human's reaction to seeing Celestia is rather overblown. Considering their eye/head ratio, most humans would find ponies absolutely adorable, and therefore nonthreatening. Even if ponies were terrifying, consider this: seeing some variety of scary alien, would you be more likely to sit in stunned silence, trying to comprehend what's hapoened, or immediately scream and flail without considering whether this is some sort of dream or hallucination?

A part of this seems to be influences by our (us humans who will unfortunately never make it to Equestria) already influenced notions of cuteness, reinforced by daily exposure via the interwebz. Yes, when we see them pastel colored horsies that fly, do magic and talk, we all feel a little D'AWWW inside our hearts.

Let us take a look at this from a different perspective. In this story, there is no show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. So, even how cute they may look to us when we watch the episodes, in this guy's situation, he is suddenly confronted with strange creatures that look like horses, but with some MAJOR differences, and they have him on a table...

I am certain you have heard a few abduction/anal probe stories along the ways lol

Yes, I think terror is an appropiate reaction, but I also think I could have done the scene better.

As for the Human, Where did I hint of him having a dark past? lol And that dark past would NOT have any bearing on the story. A few dark things might happen to befall him as the story progresses, but I would imagine his dominant thought is that he just wants to go home.

Reads about them thinking about tge creature being the key to taking over the other world, me:LOL bitch please, theres 7 billion of us

Comment posted by DAT GUY deleted Jun 28th, 2013

Has lots of potental, keep it up!

To make it more conplicated you should make him trilingual , and perhaps some morse c

This looks pretty good, looking forward to seeing where it'll go.

2796913 Chapter 2 is being edited as of now.

is the newly posted chap 3 realy chap 2?

2814918 Yes, it is. Damnit... that was my derp. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I need to fix that, as well as edit a blog post :facehoof:

Still, I do hope that you enjoy

2814918

He's fixing it. It'll be ready in a moment. :ajsmug:

cool chap poor ponies... he should probably have mentioned that a major part of hunting is so that the animals don't overpopulate and use up all of the resources and die of starvation.

2815011 Knowing Twilight, he never got the chance. He will explain that to Luna though, and she will try to help Twilight come to accept him...

For some reason, even though I had the first favorite, only today did I get notification that this story updated.

Heh, Faber. I get the reference.

As others have noted, the past/present tense switching was distracting.

Also as previously noted, if you're using someone else's art, it's bad form not to give them credit. Linking to the original is preferable.

2815095 IF you can find it.

If someone can find it for me... (call me a fuckin lazy dick if you want, but I had already spent over two hours trying to find the original artist... when it was probably RIGHT under my damn nose) then I can credit that person

Damn this story is awesome.... I like how your not afraid of killing off a pony to get things rolling. Definitely watching this.

I can see why William made that mistake. But it's gonna have terrible consequences later.

What I find interesting is that Twilight has this sense of arrogant superiority.

Finally, I like this story quite a bit, but please don't go "Humans are Bastards".

They are lucky that was a hang glider and not a car. Could you see if they randomly opened the portal onto an interstate? The first thing after the portal opened would be a car zipping through at 70 mph. Thankfully that would be an unusual happenstance but it is possible.

2816618
Oh, there are some that are rotten bastards, but most are ok, and some are actually pretty good, still, there is good and bad in all, and this story will have a focus on that.

2816666 Yeah... would have barely been a thousand word story had they come out in front of a Peterbuilt. :twilightoops:

SPLAT! REDNECK PIZZA!! :pinkiesick:

Whoa...!:twilightoops: This is one deep chapter...! Awesome job! :pinkiehappy:

Hmm...I would have just used a .243 or .223 for coyotes. I've always wondered why so many stories ponies ended up in woods without any hunters around, I like this and am happy you're not afraid to kill off a pony.

2818441 Maybe it's the only rifle he owns, and wanted something that, with the right load selection, can take on any task he chooses.

*types www.fimfiction.net/story/100000 into address bar* :pinkiegasp: IT EXISTS! I SHALL LOVE IT!

2816666 There would've been lots of pizza ponies. :rainbowwild:

2947527 I would have thought it would look more like an explosion at a ketchup factory!

The grammar needs a bit of polishing, but it's not too bad.

So far it's interesting, I'm guessing the truck is Huffington's?

As of now, she hated humankind, and all it represented.

Don't worry Twi, we don't like you right now either. :twilightsmile:


Can't say that William is a very good hunter. Normally if confronted with an unknown animal you're not suppose to shoot it, lest you kill something on the protected species list and have feds in helicopters swarming you from every possible angle. (Okay maybe not that, but you'd be in big trouble, any responsible hunter would know better than to kill it.)

Oh goddamnit, what an idiot. Seriously, what the hell was he even thinking? Seconding 2948630:

Normally if confronted with an unknown animal you're not suppose to shoot it, lest you kill something on the protected species list and have feds in helicopters swarming you from every possible angle.

His actions simply don't make any sense. It seems like he was just holding the Idiot Ball in order to add drama to the story.

Also, I liked Spitfire.

Going to come out and say that I hate this recent development. Sorry, but I probably won't be reading any more of this story after such a (in my opinion) stupid and pointless event. I had some high hopes for this story, but now... Gah.

EDIT: Guess I should've paid attention to the "Dark" tag before I read this, as well as how long it has been since it updated. Whoops. In my defence, I only saw it once it got added to a group I was in, and the nature of that group kinda made it so I really didn't expect the events of this chapter. Sorry for going off on you like I did, but I still think that the events at the end of this chapter are incredibly stupid.

3019542 Agreed, not a very smart hunter. Sad thing is that there are people just that stupid out there. Normally those people aren't hunters though, because they would probably blow their own brains out if they even looked at a gun.

I also like Spitfire, mainly for her namesake though: Spitfire Mk. V's are best Spitfires. :rainbowwild:

I'm surprised this was added in Humans Aren't Bastards group as well, not by that one event, but because it's way too early on to tell where this story is heading.

Here, let Starfleet restore your faith in humanity.

(For a game trailer, it has some pretty inspirational words. Although I should expect nothing less from Starfleet, real or not; best morals ever.)

3020503

I'm surprised this was added in Humans Aren't Bastards group as well, not by that one event, but because it's way too early on to tell where this story is heading.

Oh, you will see the Worst at its best, and the Best at its worst in this story.

There will be be unspeakable acts of cruelty committed by humans, but also acts of compassion, and even some self sacrifice.

And ponies will prove to be much like humans in their capacity for both cruelness and kindness.

Past tense or present tense. Pick one and only one to run with, because interchanging the two is bad writing.

Eh, I'll watch it. Not the best story I've ever read, but it passes minimum standards.

3021825 That has been one of my biggest issues, keeping consistant with the tense usage. Fortunately, I have a friend who has helped me finally learn that consistancy with my latest story, and I shall be going through ALL my stories to correct that issue.

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