• Member Since 5th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen May 2nd

PinkieLunaShy


Lookit me, I'm a succubutt, also this account is pretty dead.

Sequels1

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Before the events of The Princess and Her Guards. Before they met Luna, before they became guards, traveled to the past and found out they were related to the most wanted people during Nightmare Moons rise: Genevieve, Ryan, Dominic, Jamie, and Angelina were orphans. Follow there lives from living in the orphanage, getting adopted by Princess Celestia and becoming her nieces and nephews, meeting Twilight and Blueblood, starting a new school, getting bullied, and meeting four amazing Royal Guards, Wyatt Shield, GraceLynn Stardust, Jesse Runner and Grant Goldenheart.


Occasionally cursing when the guards are talking. Who am I kidding? When the kids aren't around the curse words flow like water!

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 12 )

This is really good! I cant wait for the next part!

This story has much potential. I will definitely keep an eye on this one. I wonder if Celestia has any idea what she is possibly inviting into her home. :pinkiehappy:

WOW! This is a great storyline! The plot is just perfect and I haven't seen many stories about Celestia and foals! Bravo!
However, there are some mistakes that I have discovered...


Just some minor corrections before I get into more detail:
1) Woops! you spelled castle wrong!

"TO CANERLOT! Well, the Casle!" yelled Jamie

just thought I'd point that out.

2)

"Sheesh!" Jesse perked up and Turned his head towards the door, "Six people. Five children, one adult..... GUYS CELESTIA'S COMING!"

There are a number of things wrong with this statement, two of them are small and easy fixes. 1) turned needs to be de-capitalized. 2) Ponies refer to themselves as just that: ponies. Ex: Six ponies. "Five foals, one mare...."

3)

Oh mai goodness

text talk is a big no-no if it's being spoken out loud.

Now the larger corrections:
1) This, to me, seems a lot like a "dialogue story". While not being a complete "script story" because there are some actions that happen. However, this story needs more meat on it's bones. In other words: it needs more action and less dialogue.
Ex: instead of saying

"Jesse Runner! But you can call me Jes, Jeffery, Jeffy, or Jeff!" said Jesse, as he took off his helmet exposing his long curly red hair, "Hey look Grant! That kid looks like a blonde version of you!"

you could say

"Jesse Runner! But you can call me Jes, Jeffery, Jeffy, or Jeff!" Jesse rambled with a silly grin. He took off his helmet and shook out his long, curly, crimson mane. "Hey, look Grant!" he chuckled warmly, jerking his head towards GraceLynn "that foal looks like a blonde version of you!"

basically, use exciting words to describe what the pony is doing.

2) Back to this

"Sheesh!" Jesse perked up and Turned his head towards the door, "Six people. Five children, one adult..... GUYS CELESTIA'S COMING!"

perked up means got more excited. Like:

"Well," father said, slyly "I guess since you're so sad you can't go with us to Baskin Robins. We wouldn't want you to make a scene"
forgetting his troubles at school, Jason perked up a little at the sound of his favorite ice cream shop.

sorry, that was a bad example, but do you get my point?

3)

Angelina, Genievie, Ryan, Dominic, and Jamie

Some of these names sound too human, and it's fine if you don't want to change them if you're too attached, but I would suggest changing at least two of the names to be more "ponified" if you will.



Thanks for listening! None of this was meant to be at all hurtful! I just wanted to help this story grow into the wonderful fanfiction I know it can be! :twilightsmile:

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I will make those corrections.
The "canerlot" and "casle" is because they are about five years old. The setting is a humanized Equestria..

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Oh! Gotcha! :twilightblush:

I'm looking forward to more of this!

Is blueblood nice?

Comment posted by PinkieLunaShy deleted May 8th, 2014

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The boys don't like him, but it's not cause he's mean or anything he just rubs them the wrong way.

Alright lest give this a bit of a run down, sorry if I sound like a jerk, I don't mean to. Your first paragraph is your hook, lets see if we can help it out a bit.

Geneivieve, Dominic, Ryan, Jamie, and Angelina stained to hear the conversation that was happening on the other side of the door.

Geneivieve, Dominic, Ryan, Jamie, and Angelina strained to hear the conversation that was happening on the other side of the door.

Geneivieve, Dominic, Ryan, Jamie, and Angelina stained to hear the conversation that was happening on the other side of the door. Princess Celestia had come to Twin Hearts, the orphanage they lived at, and rumor had it that she was going to adopt somebody. The group had over heard portions of the conversation. Princess Celestia was looking for five children, between ages four and seven, and it had to be two girls and three boys who were already very close.

This feels very exposition heavy, if your handing out exposition(in the first chapter you tend to) try to let people come to what you want them to know themselves.

Geneivieve, Dominic, Ryan, Jamie, and Angelina stained to hear the conversation that was happening on the other side of the door.

Outside of the minor error I listed above(I don't think trying to listen threw the door stained them I think it was just hard and strained them.) you don't need to list all five of them, and just need to address them as a group. Do you list every single person in a torch mob? Probably not :trollestia:(you only need to list anyone who is standing out.)

Princess Celestia had come to Twin Hearts, the orphanage they lived at, and rumor had it that she was going to adopt somebody.

This is probably the most exposition heavy part of the first paragraph. It just flat out word of god says PC is here, she is at Twin Hearts, its an orphanage, and they live their, and she is here to adopt someone.

Try saying 'non descriptive side character no one will need to remember his name' saw PC's car/carriage or something. Tell the audience they are surprised someone who is important would show up at Twin Hearts, to see them the orphans(if you call them orphans in the first sentence you can stream line this a bit.) Armed with the knowledge that someone important is here, that they are at an orphanage, then the reader, as well as the children, can assume that she is there to adopt someone. You don't need to say anything.

The group had over heard portions of the conversation. Princess Celestia was looking for five children, between ages four and seven, and it had to be two girls and three boys who were already very close.

They heard parts of the conversation. then list what PC wants. This sounds awkward. You could set up a whole scene loaded with shenanigans with this set up, but instead its just a couple of lines of text. Also for just hearing a small portion of the conversation, they sure got all the important bits down didn't they? I wish all intelligence operations were as smooth as this.

Personally(read as:'some idiot on the Internet's opinion') I would set up a scene, were the children listen in on Celestia and company, getting the information they need by showing off a bit of each of your 5 characters. Now, this is the first piece of your work Ive read, and I don't know much about your guys, but give them a situation for them to shine.

Let the shy one be a distraction while the others form a human pyramid to climb into the rafters and hang over Celestia and company listening to their conversation before quickly fleeing out of the rafters and landing last minute in the children's room (for comedy you could have them comment on how filthy the ones in the rafter look, like they were swimming in dust or something.).

It might be completely inconsequential and mean nothing by chapter 2, but its a character moment that injects life into a chapter, and a story is more then just people talking and exposition, actions speak louder then words after all.

Sorry if I sounded like a total jerk, thats my opinion on the first paragraph(the rest of the chapter is kind of okay, if you want more let me know) take it with a grain of salt, and remember I'm just some random guy on the Internet.:trollestia:

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I'm so sorry for taking 8 weeks to get back to you! :twilightblush:

I didn't even know that a comment had been made! I'm actually sitting down to edit now, and any other comments and suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated!:twilightsmile:

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