Prologue
Geneivieve, Dominic, Ryan, Jamie, and Angelina stained to hear the conversation that was happening on the other side of the door. Princess Celestia had come to Twin Hearts, the orphanage they lived at, and rumor had it that she was going to adopt somebody. The group had over heard portions of the conversation. Princess Celestia was looking for five children, between ages four and seven, and it had to be two girls and three boys who were already very close.
"Guys!" whispered Genivieve, her light purple eyes sparkling, as she looked down towards her brother "We're gonna get adopted!"
"Prol'ly not Gena-geni- uhh Vee." replied Dominic, his shoulders sagging, before looking at his friends "She's prol'ly taking someone else."
"Yeah, thats normly what happens." sighed Jamie, running his had through his curly blonde hair
"Ah! I think she's coming!" squeaked Angelina, her dark blue wings unfurling due to fear.
The group scattered from the door, grabbing books and toys so it looked like they had been busy all along. Ryan, who had grabbed a stuffed snake, started chasing Angelina around. Angelina promptly shrieked and started flying away from Ryan. When the door to their room creaked as it opened they looked over to see Princess Celestia walk through the now open door. After staring in awe for a moment, they remember the manners and bowed/curtsied respectfully. Behind the Princess was the orphanages director, Susan Shieldheart.
"Children, I presume you already know that this is Princess Celestia. Now she would like to ask you a few questions, okay?" Susan said, "Be respectful and answer all of her questions."
"Yes Ms. Shieldheart." They answered in unison, before moving to sit on the only made bed in the room, Angelina's.
Princess Celestia watched as Ryan jumped onto the bed before helping Genieveve up. Genievive in turn helped Jamie onto the bed and all three of them pulled Dominic and Angelina up. It was kind of funny since Angelina could fly and they seemed to be struggling to pull her up. After adjusting a little, they finally stopped moving and stared intently at the Princess.
"Well, why don't we start off with names?" asked Celestia, smiling warmly
"I'm Geneivive and that's my twin brother, Dominic." answered Genievive, while she pointed to herself and her brother, who waved.
"I'm James, but you can call me Jamie." said Jamie
"And I'm Ryan, and that's Angelina, she's really really shy." said Ryan as Angelina hid behind him
"Umm, hello..." said Angelina, from behind Ryan
"How long have you all known each other?" asked Celestia, as she leaned against the end of Ryan's bed, which was across from Angelina's
"Forever! We've grown up together!" exclaimed Dominic, as Princess Celestia's smile started to grow.
"Really?"
"Yuper! Right Ms. Shieldheart?"
"Yes, that's true." she turned to the Princess, "They were raised here. Each of them were on the front porch left a day apart."
When Princess Celestia turned her attention back to the children she half expected them to be sad, but instead they had turned there attention to a riviting game of tag on the bed they we're sitting on. Apparently, Angelina was "it" and all the other children had moved to the far edges of the bed. Angelina unfurled her wings and took to the air, hovering just high enough for the tip of her toes to still touch the ground. When they realized Ms. Shieldheart had stopped talking they quickly sat back down, nearly knocking each other over.
"I just have one more question for all of you; What do you want to be when you grow up?" asked Princess Celestia
The children looked at each other before collectively answering, "We wanna be Royal Guards!"
"And protect you!" exclaimed Jamie
"And be heroes!" yelled Ryan
"Oh and see Equestria!" ended Angelina, in her soft voice
After listening to their answer Princess Celestia turned to Ms. Shieldheart, "Ms. Shieldheart, can I talk to you outside?"
"Are they the ones you were looking for?" asked Ms. Shieldheart, after she had heard the tell tale click! that the door was securely closed behind her.
"I believe so. I do have one question for you: has anybody tried to adopt them before?" wondered Celestia
"Yes, but never together. The first time someone tried to adopt them seperately, we found out something .....different about Angelina."
"Different? What do you mean?"
"Well, Angelina looks like a Pegasus, but last year a nice couple wanted to adopt her but not the other children. She pinned them against the wall with her magic."
"Her 'magic'?"
"Her magic, it was dark blue like her wings. I know it sounds impossible but I wouldn't say it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes."
Princess Celestia nodded before answering, "Anything else I should know about them?"
"It would be best to keep them all together. If they are left apart for extended periods of time they will look for each other. Jamie falls, alot. We finally had enough money to get him some military grade glasses because he would break any pair I got him when he fell. Dominic and Genieve will probably cause the most trouble. Not on purpose of course, but they are a handful to deal with." chuckled Ms. Shieldheart, "Now Ryan, he's... very protective of Angelina so for the first two maybe three weeks he will want to go everywhere with her and have a tight hold one of her hands. Just let him do that until he realizes she's not in any harm."
Before Princess Celestia could respond she heard a yell from the other side of the door, "MS. SHIELDHEART! JAMIE FELL DOWN!"
"DID NOT!" answered Jamie
"DID TOO!" yelled Dominic
"NO RYAN SHOVED ME!
"NO I DIDN'T!" replied Ryan, "YOU FELL!"
Ms. Shieldheart sighed, "That's my cue. I already set the paperwork out on my desk, so all you need to do is sign it." Ms. Shieldheart opened the door to the children's room, "Now what happened?"
"JAMIE FELL!" yelled Ryan
"DID NOT! HE SHOVED ME!" answered Jamie
"Um actually, Ryan tripped and fell on to Jamie." interjected Angelina, before the door closed.
Princess Celestia picked up the paperwork, smiling. She was going to enjoy having them around, she could tell already.
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This is really good! I cant wait for the next part!
3969868
Thanks!
This story has much potential. I will definitely keep an eye on this one. I wonder if Celestia has any idea what she is possibly inviting into her home.
Alright lest give this a bit of a run down, sorry if I sound like a jerk, I don't mean to. Your first paragraph is your hook, lets see if we can help it out a bit.
This feels very exposition heavy, if your handing out exposition(in the first chapter you tend to) try to let people come to what you want them to know themselves.
Outside of the minor error I listed above(I don't think trying to listen threw the door stained them I think it was just hard and strained them.) you don't need to list all five of them, and just need to address them as a group. Do you list every single person in a torch mob? Probably not
(you only need to list anyone who is standing out.)
This is probably the most exposition heavy part of the first paragraph. It just flat out word of god says PC is here, she is at Twin Hearts, its an orphanage, and they live their, and she is here to adopt someone.
Try saying 'non descriptive side character no one will need to remember his name' saw PC's car/carriage or something. Tell the audience they are surprised someone who is important would show up at Twin Hearts, to see them the orphans(if you call them orphans in the first sentence you can stream line this a bit.) Armed with the knowledge that someone important is here, that they are at an orphanage, then the reader, as well as the children, can assume that she is there to adopt someone. You don't need to say anything.
They heard parts of the conversation. then list what PC wants. This sounds awkward. You could set up a whole scene loaded with shenanigans with this set up, but instead its just a couple of lines of text. Also for just hearing a small portion of the conversation, they sure got all the important bits down didn't they? I wish all intelligence operations were as smooth as this.
Personally(read as:'some idiot on the Internet's opinion') I would set up a scene, were the children listen in on Celestia and company, getting the information they need by showing off a bit of each of your 5 characters. Now, this is the first piece of your work Ive read, and I don't know much about your guys, but give them a situation for them to shine.
Let the shy one be a distraction while the others form a human pyramid to climb into the rafters and hang over Celestia and company listening to their conversation before quickly fleeing out of the rafters and landing last minute in the children's room (for comedy you could have them comment on how filthy the ones in the rafter look, like they were swimming in dust or something.).
It might be completely inconsequential and mean nothing by chapter 2, but its a character moment that injects life into a chapter, and a story is more then just people talking and exposition, actions speak louder then words after all.
Sorry if I sounded like a total jerk, thats my opinion on the first paragraph(the rest of the chapter is kind of okay, if you want more let me know) take it with a grain of salt, and remember I'm just some random guy on the Internet.