Lookit me, I'm a succubutt, also this account is pretty dead.
This story is a sequel to Princess and Her Guards: The Early Years
Ryan, Angelina, Genevieve, Jamie, and Dominic have been Princess Luna's guards for four years now. When retelling the story of how they became guards, Luna has a "relapse". Join them as they step into the shoes of their ancestors as the first Shadowbolts. With the Rise and Fall of Nightmare Moon, running from Princess Celestia, and finding out maybe being guards isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Page generated in 0.148 seconds
Total duration
1,019 users online
2,145,112 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I would highly recommend moving away from the dialogue a little, and explaining more in detail. You're characters at this moment are nothing more than lifeless words on a screen. Why should I care about them? This first chapter should be used to help grab a readers attention and make them want to keep reading. Not to serve as exposition that you've already given in the description. My advice would be to remove the beginning section and just starting from your flashback, then just increase the amount of detail. Explain what the characters are doing. How they react to each other saying things, and help paint a picture for the reader as to what they're environment is like.
3861316
Thank you for your feedback. We'll start on that right now!
3861491
Keep me posted, I like this concept and would enjoy seeing it work.
Pretty cool but the characters seem kinda... lifeless.
Lol like every time I read princess celestia told me how the heck do she
Know about this
3952175
Before Luna turned into Nightmare Moon she and Celestia had a telepathic connection. That connection is still open even though Luna changed into Nightmare Moon so Celestia can still hear all her thoughts
I really REALLY hope that helps :3!
The story's pretty fun to read, so I'll just suggest some stylistic things.
You describe objects and actions as if I know them already. For example, you mention the color of the armor, but not what it's made of, how it's made, or what it was like to wear it. Plate armor, a stab vest, a bulletproof vest, a bomb disposal suit, Inuit bone armor and leather armor can all be made to fit this description, but the things they imply to me as the reader will be very different. Are these inexperienced kids with a lot of resources on their hands? Are they rebels on the fringe, cobbling together equipment with whatever they can find? Are they "overdressed", perhaps, and is it because they're scared, or simply because they're too drunk to dress themselves appropriately?
Making objects significant is a really good way to remind your readers of the mood without being intrusive. In this particular case, these heavily-personalized pieces of armor can signify a lot about personalities, fears and abilities. For example, imagine that you run into me somewhere in the Boreal Forest and see that I have bear spray and a hunting knife on my belt, and I'm carrying a 55L hiking pack. Now let's say that I was instead wearing a filthy tuxedo and had none of those things. Now, I'm in a Canadian Forces uniform, and I have a satphone as well. Or I might be wearing the yellow jumpsuit of a wildland firefighter, with a pump on my back. You'll get four different ideas about who I am and what I'm doing.
What I'm getting at is that there's no such thing as a "neutral" appearance, and details about lighting, clothing and even the smell of a place always pay off.
4215719
Okey Dokey Smokie!
My editor kinda sorta said the same thing and I may or may not have chosen to ignore her. Maybe.... SO What IMMA do! IS go and edit all my chapters. Right now!
Lol I read the part where he said not aunt Luna I hit her with a frying pan she's out like a light
Me: you hit luna with a frying pan XD