• Member Since 27th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 10th, 2018

StageQuill


Um- HI! Oh, sorry... Hi? It's Stagequill! Your friendly neighborhood actress and writer, ready to perform at the drop of a hat (Or in Chrysalis' case, the explosion of a hat). Hello world!

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Comments ( 42 )

Touching. Good job.

Oh, this is a nice start. I feel like DT turning blank flank into an endearment was a little...odd, given exactly the situation. Leaving and not saying blank flank would probably have been better to get the point across. Also, I'm not very good at grammar, but

"Bye- Blank Flank."

the dash or whatever after bye is confusing.

If you had wanted to show that maybe she didn't mean blank flank anymore and had to remember to add it or something, you could say something to the affect of "Bye." After a silight pause, she added, "Blank Flank" almost as an after thought."

Anyway, I really like this story. It's a good start and I'm interested in where you take this. Until the next update, :rainbowdetermined2:

Few typos, but I think you could be off to a good start

Very good, and it seems there's more to come. :eeyup:

amazing! fave, like, and a follow!:twilightsmile:

This is very good, but if you got this edited, I think it might just hit featured.

That was the fastest I've ever started reading a story I found. I went from opening the page, to looking at the description, to opening the chapter and reading within 5 seconds. A great start, here, and I simply must have more.

Edit: Oh, it says complete now. Oh well. Still great.

Diamond Tiara made eye contact with Applejack, her eyes brimming over in cascading tears.

Minor typo there aside, very nice. This is marked as incomplete, is it going to develop Diamond Tiara further? Always happy to see some character development for her. Just don't make her "turn nice" too easily. :)

3807886 Oh, sorry. I meant to mark it as complete. :pinkiesmile:

3807364 Thank you! I'll fix that immediately.

3807613 Thanks! 3807835 Thank you!

I don't know if I'll add more.. I kind of wrote it without much forethought, and I have no idea where I'd take it. :applecry:


3807364 Ok! I love feedback!

3808236
I suppose you could continue by having Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara start to become friends through the slight moment of bonding they shared, but I dunno how well it'd work out for them. Still a good story, even on its own.

You really oughta work on making your stories longer.

3808565 Okay!

I wrote this pretty quickly without much forethought. It was one of those ideas that fly into your head at night that you have to wake up and write down, ya know?

I don't really have any more to add. Maybe more description later.

Comment posted by LunaUsesCaps deleted Jan 19th, 2014

Is this a joke...

edit: my mouse sucks

Comment posted by LunaUsesCaps deleted Jan 19th, 2014

3809643 What do you mean? Is there something I can fix? Did I not grasp something correctly?

3809648

I think that I'm going to actually feel slightly bad for this one. Well, you asked. Hope you aren't too fragile.

For starts, this fic is 1,000 words. That is a joke, no questions asked. There is absolutely nothing of value you can write in 1,000 words, much less a fic like this with a plot that requires careful execution and forethought (which you obviously lacked both of entirely). As I say to many people in your situation, this is not a story, it is a retelling of unimportant fragmented events that serve no general purpose whatsoever. Your character interactions are horridly awkward and unrealistic, your narration is so far out of the ballpark that the scientists aboard the International Space Station had to adjust their course to avoid its unguided rampage, and the overall "writing" itself does nothing but make it known that AB and DT meet in a graveyard.

I'll go down the line: your character interactions are not thought out whatsoever. What suddenly makes either pony overwrought with emotion? What possesses AB to "blurt out" that she doesn't remember her parents? I don't know if you were trying to be awkward for shits and giggles, but it comes across as you over-sensitizing nothing. I'm going to tell you something you might not have heard: kids that are emotionally crippled over a lost loved one don't tend to visit them at a graveyard. They moan and cry on their own time, bless their hearts. Going to a graveyard and talking to the dead is often a very relieving experience done by people who have already accepted such a thing. Children are not this emotionally mature. That said, you managed to bring out their immaturity, contrasting the fact that they're at a graveyard with DT suddenly crying and AB spilling her heart out to someone who didn't even look her way. In real life there would have been no conversation at that moment and you didn't do that well a job of explaining why there should have been one.

Your narration is about that of an eighth grader with a D in creative writing at his or her alternative learning center. Big problem uno: your narrator is omniscient. You always need to establish a point of view, even if the narration ends up being unreliable. Head-hopping only works in the narrator's POV character is not currently in the scene, and even that is only to be done for movies or plays. Most of the time, you don't want to have a scene without the POV character because it makes no sense. What makes even less sense (and is the greatest taboo of narration) is head-hopping while the POV character is actually still in the setting. I'll give you an example of this: "He's not much of a family." She admitted, more to herself than Apple Bloom. This may seem like it isn't head-hopping at first glance but how exactly is AB supposed to know this without you giving the reader any sort of contextual body language? This story is all tell and no show, leaving the reader to wonder exactly why everyone in the story is doing what they're doing. This lack of structured narration (showing and not telling) ties back to why your character interactions seem so unnatural. There is no nonverbal communication, the author just decides things are things without telling the reader why. Don't say "she said more to herself than AB," say "she mumbled, looking off to the side as she slumped her shoulders." The reader will still know that DT is talking to herself more, but this time they can actually visualize it.

Remember this—it's the most important thing I can tell you: Writing narrative is the gentle and precise art of saying something without actually saying it.

Down to the story overall: as I said before, there isn't much of one. AB meets DT in a graveyard, tells her she doesn't remember her family, DT runs off crying for no apparent reason and AB finds it "endearing." This all in the span of 1,000 words. When you are forming a story, note that it must carry a theme to it, a direction, and means by which a character develops and grows. Without growth, a story accomplishes nothing. Neither character is changed by this experience whatsoever, not-so-subtly implying that DT now will befriend AB isn't enough to justify it, especially seeing as DT is not in fact the POV character—AB is. Since you lack character development, you lack a story. You have what I call an event recollection. It serves no point on its own but to take up words on a google doc.

All in all, you have a lot to work on in future stories. A whole lot. I usually don't like reviewing new people (who have not yet learned that I am the one person you never want to ask to elaborate on something) but you asked, so I obliged. I wish you luck in your storytelling and, with absolutely no pain in my heart to say this, will most likely forget who you are by the time I shut down my computer in a good 20 minutes.

Cheers.

3809788

Thank you, actually.

I needed that. That was some really good feedback. I will definitely use that. I'm actually copy-pasting that to an email to send to myself. You obviously know about writing and what you are talking about. That comment is a gem.

3809838

Oh, you make me feel so loved. Thanks, Rando.

I like this fic, myself.

"Ah- Ah'm sorry." Apple Bloom said, looking at Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara made eye contact with Applejack, tears cascading down her face.

lolwat

It's pretty good, though in the show DT is too much of a one-dimensional bitch to open up to one of her victims, cemetery or not. :applejackunsure:

3809788 Personally I have been wanting to see a story of this nature for a while now. I did feel it let down on some parts, especially on moments where it felt more like gloating with AB almost feeling she had more than DT's wealth could ever give her. But that's not what bothers or disappoints me, it is the fact Apple Bloom's reasons for wanting to reach out and start a conversation is unknown. It is completely left up to the readerto fill in the emotional blanks. Both have suffered loss. But neither felt true remorse, possibly save for DT who at least seemed to feel loss. Though, I can relate with Apple Bloom feeling a sense of emptiness as to how she should react to parents she barely remembers (if at all) and still seems to visit their grave on a weekly basis?

Those were the few things that kept me from truly immersing myself in an otherwise fine story.

Though not exactly how what I thought it'd be, I still very much love that someone has tackled the subject. I'm still wondering how Diamond Tiara made eye contact with Applejack" who as far as I know isn't actually with AB at the grave with DT.

As you said, the endearing part wasn't expressed outside of simply being told just before DT runs off. Makes the endearing way (a soft, gentle tone to the "blank flank") only to run off when AB never actually spoke out to question what DT may or may not have intended to be interpreted as endearment, not to mention DT being so emotional she has to tell AB where she's going to go later. I can overlook it, though. But I can't help but think we missed out on more interactions had Apple Bloom made a retort to DT about how she wasn't trying to make her cry, and that she shouldn't be embarrassed. But I felt that the story was more about how AB can't, in the unfairness of it all in her mind, that she can't feel for her dead parents the way AJ, Mac, and Granny can.

I think this story was sweet, granted, I filled in the emotional blanks as I read but I still wish I could see more of this. What originally inspired me to bring this up a few months ago was this picture:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/10/12/446614__safe_apple+bloom_sad_diamond+tiara_3d_gmod_grave_artist-colon-migueruchan.png

And here you can see the backed up log of what I was going to try and make into a contest prompt that started off as a sort of random practice to type out what I see happening in the picture, which was later going to be a prompt theme about "Loss" with that being the picture. That unfortunately got canceled due to holidays and family responsibilities. But I hope someone else gets inspired to do their own version of the concept. Which, this story teases the concept well enough.
oi40.tinypic.com/53sisw.jpg

I'm happy to finally see someone make a story based on a mutual loss that can sort of bridge together two ponies that would otherwise just bicker with and trying to outdo one another. So, while not as emotional as one would want or as long as we'd like, I do feel it covered what it set out to do at least. Far as Apple Bloom goes.


3809648 You sort of have AJ in the place of Apple Bloom near the end when DT is supposed to make eye contact. That came out of left field and had me wondering what I may have somehow missed.

Despite all that's been said, I very much like this story. It's certainly been on my wishlist to say the least. Though, it is hard to picture AB visiting the grave every week, which is somewhat implied. But this story did what it set out to do. It just shows how AB can't bring herself to really feel a loss when all her life she's had a big sister and brother, both of whom may as well be her parents in her eyes. DT's talks only helped AB appreciate more of what she DOES have, and realize that even her snooty rival has it tough. No pony should feel the way DT does, so she did her best to reach out and listen to DT's pains. Never once making fun of her or nothin' like a lesser and more petty pony would. Diamond was in a moment of weakness and yet she was opening up to this blank flank over very private stuff she'd never otherwise share with no pony but Silver Spoon. Yet, AB never laughed at her, never gave DT a feeling like she was being judged.

This is all blah-dee-blah, but I really did enjoy the story. Have a +1 like!

3811232 Thanks! That comment was amazing. You told me what I should stop doing and what I should keep doing.

I love that!

I'll go over the story later. I have one on my mind that I must finish first. :twilightsmile:

Typos aside this is a well done story, in fact this is close to what my headcanon for Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara(being that part of the reason DT resents AB is because the latter has a Grandmother, an older brother and older sister to compensate for her lack of parents whilst DT only has a father who's too wrapped up in running his business to give her attention even though he clearly loves her).

3812205 Thanks! :yay:

Typos? I'm sorry, I'll have to go fix those.

Wow, this is really well done. Very few, if any, errors, and you absolutely nailed what I feel DT would be like in this kind of situation. Applebloom was exceptionally accurate as well, but I would have been very happy to see her try a little harder to comfort her nemesis.

All in all, I'd say a solid 9 out of 10 for me. Nice work.

3812775 Thanks! :yay:

It seems the editing I've been doing is paying off.

This was a valiant effort, and for the most part you managed to confirm some of the things I know about DT, so thumbs up for that.:pinkiesmile:
One big problem that I am not sure the others went over was your use of names.
I'll keep it short since there isn't too much to talk about. You have the opposite of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, you mention Apple Bloom's and Diamond Tiara's names too often,

"Ah- Ah'm sorry." Apple Bloom said, looking at Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara made eye contact with Apple Bloom, tears cascading down her face.

Here is the most infamous example. You say DT's name two times in a row. Why not say 'she' after the first one? It would greatly help the flow and help ease more experienced reader's mind. Not to mention your writing won't be as bumpy.
I could go into grammatical errors, but I think you have that part covered, and I think you owe the others who helped you a thank you becouse not many people get that kind of response. But I'm pretty sure you already expressed your gratitude.
Thank you for letting me help you improve your talent. :twilightsmile:

3813976 Thanks. I'm in the transition between "Which her was that?" and "You said that name too much!" and I'm trying. Thanks for the heads-up. :twilightsmile:

3813983 Not the one who pointed it out, but I'm with ya. You don't always have to use a pronoun, you could always use an adjective. Like, you could tons of adjectives to describe Applebloom.

"Butter-yellow"
"Farm(er)"
"Accented"
"Red-maned"

Diamond Tiara would be easy to do this with as well. Although, don't go overboard with it. :twilightsmile:

3818216 I'll keep that in mind :twilightsmile:

I know how it feels:pinkiesad2:

My dad died of pneumonia and cancer when I was 8 and my mom died about six years ago. I can remember my mom but it is vague but my dad is sadly little more than a face I happen to look like:raritycry:

Nice story, could have been a bit longer, but still very nice and sad.:fluttercry:

~TheEmpressEclipse~

Forgive me if I go over any points that other's have made in the comments. I was more interested in reading your story than going through them.

You set the scene quite well, giving an atmostphere that fits the current tone. Applebloom breaking the silence like she doesn, and thinking it was a sort of competition to stay at the gravestone longer is done in a very believable way. Sometimes I would just talk out loud like that, as if answering a silent question directed towards me. A way to justify the reason I'm standing where I am.

However, the same is not for Diamond Tiara. The way she identifies her problems, you'd think that she were a psychology softmore. She knows how a parent should act, and knows what she is missing out from a family, but how does she know this? If she was reised with presents instead of love, then how would she have learned the difference? How would she know her father truely loves her if she has no point of reference otherwise.

I do like AB'slittle revelation about her own situation towards the end. I could see her gaining a bit more of an appreciation for her family, even those who are lost, after talking to Diamond Tiara, though the ending seems a bit rushed compared to the time you took to set the scene in the first place. Were you attempting to leave the readers with a note of joy by ending it with pie?

Digressing, it was a good read. I have no regrets, nothing pained me, and all was well aside from the gripes I had already mentioned. Thank you for creating this. :ajsmug:

from head toe

I think it should be " from head to hoof" since its a pony. Just saying.
Also interesting point of view. For each filly;

One having lost both, but is still loved dearly.
The other...only losing one to death and losing one that sits right next to her.

I won't lie. DT has it worse than AB can ever have. But beautiful story either way.

I liked it. Short and simple, yet effective at the same time. I like little one-shot stories like this. This one pulled no emotional punches and went straight for the throat.

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