One of Seven
Trixie's Excellent Adventure
By Wanderer D & Gravekeeper
“Bon Booon!” Lyra complained, setting down the knife on the kitchen counter, next to the diced onion and sliced garlic. “How much longer do I have to do this?”
“Until the sauce is done, Lyra,” Bon Bon growled for the fifteenth time that afternoon. “You’ve only been doing it for six minutes and you’re using magic so I don’t understand what the problem is!”
“But it smeeeellssss!” Lyra whined as she rolled petulantly in the living room sofa located a few good paces away from the kitchen. With a very audible sigh, Lyra threw a hoof over her eyes and telekinetically grabbed the knife again.
Bon Bon huffed and looked down, frowning at the single tomato she had left. “Lyra, be a dear and gallop to the market to get... three more tomatoes, would you? I’ve already got the water boiling and I don’t want to turn it off.”
Lyra sighed once again and rolled her eyes. “Fine, it’s better than chopping onions,” she muttered, grabbing her saddlebags and making her way to the door. “Do we need anything else?”
Bon Bon considered the question and shook her head. “No, I have everything else we need to make the sauce. We just need to boil the tomatoes and chop the other ingredients before adding them... so hurry and get them. We don’t want the spaghetti to be sauce-less.”
“Right-o,” Lyra said, saluting. She turned around and opened the door.
Bon Bon heard a gasp and a wet gurgle, but didn’t turn around. “Just go get the ingredients, Lyra, you don’t need to do anything else! And stop making gagging noises!”
The gagging stopped.
Satisfied that Lyra had left, she looked at the spaghetti container. “So... how long should we boil you?”
It was then that the giant spaghetti tentacle wrapped around her neck, and with a sickening crunch snapped back out of the house, dragging her body with it onto the enormous cauldron of boiling water which had somehow grown where the Golden Oaks Library used to stand. She didn’t have time to understand what was happening to all the other ponies being dragged into a giant kitchen-like setting where the Spaghetti Golem of Boyardeea multiplied and prepared its ghastly sauce.
o.0.o
Mayor Mare looked around the chaos, trying to figure out what to do. Ponies were being picked out of their homes, or intercepted as they ran towards safety only to be made into ingredients for whatever that pasta creature was doing.
When she heard the bang and saw the flash of purple light, she turned to glare at Twilight Sparkle, who had materialized next to her, along with Pinkie Pie, who was clutching a recipe book bound in the skin of a thousand creatures.
"Twilight Sparkle, what did you do now?!"
"Mayor, why do you always assume it's me when something catastrophic happens?"
"Well, did you?"
"Er, this time, yes, but you're still exhibiting a confirmation bias towards--!"
"TWILIGHT, LESS SCIENCE AND MORE SAVING THE WORLD!" Mayor Mare hollered before the tip of a strand of spaghetti suddenly seemed to appear from her chest. She looked down dumbly at it. “Oh...”
Twilight winced and shied away when the blood splattered all around them and the Mayor was dragged away. “Pinkie! Does Sombra’s Cookbook have any further instructions on controlling this thing?!”
Pinkie shook her head. “Nope! It says here that once it starts cooking itself, it won’t stop until it’s made enough sauce to feed an army!”
“This is not what I had in mind when I asked you to help me cook enough food for the First Battalion’s one hundredth anniversary!”
“Heeeey! How was I supposed to know that it would do that?”
They both stopped when they noticed that the spaghetti tentacles had stopped their crazed collection of ingredients and had withdrawn into the cauldron, one of them dropping Trixie’s stage wagon on top of the fountain.
“Hey, what do you think it’s doing now?” Pinkie asked, eyes shining with curiosity.
“Girls!” Applejack called, galloping up towards them. “What the hay is that thing?!”
“The Great Golem of Boyardeea!” Twilight explained hastily. “It’s finally stopped, so it must have made enough sauce to feed an army!”
“An army of what exactly?” Rarity asked, dragging herself from the waste bin where she had hidden. She made a face and pushed a banana skin from her flank.
“I guess we’re about to find out!” Rainbow Dash said, landing next to the group and having heard Rarity’s question.
“Um... has... has anyone seen mister fluffy?” Fluttershy asked, shuffling closer to her friends.
It was then that the sky darkened and the ground split. With a huge eruption, a veritable wall of red liquid exploded onto the heavens from the cauldron as it shook and cracked. From it, several small things fell out, splashing onto the floor before unrolling onto centaur-like creatures made of spaghetti.
“Oh!” Twilight gasped. “It all makes sense now! It wouldn’t stop until it made enough sauce to feed an army... an army of spaghetti monsters... in blood sauce!”
She turned when she felt a hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight. Eww. Just... Eww,” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.
The group turned their heads at the same time as an unmistakable voice rang out clear from all the screaming and crying. “Twilight Sparkle,” called The Great and Powerful Trixie as she made her way around the bodies laying in the street. “Trixie has gotten the saddle and the lubricant you requested for tonight, but if you think Trixie is going to bottom, then you--” Trixie stopped and blinked at the group of ponies staring back at her with aghast expressions across their faces. “What is everypony looking at?”
Twilight rubbed her temple as she grimaced. “Trixie, now is not the time...”
“Excellent choice in saddle, though.” Rarity helpfully added.
“I dunno if you’ve noticed, sugarcube, but we’re kinda in the middle of somethin’ here,” Applejack said, pointing behind Trixie, who followed said hoof with her gaze.
“Trixie thought everypony looked... deader than usual. What have you done, Twilight Sparkle?”
“Will you all please stop assuming it’s always me?!”
The Great and Powerful Trixie turned her gaze between the currently-being-decimated town and Twilight. “Well, did you...?”
“YES!”
“Well then,” Applejack nodded. “Now that all doubt has been removed for who’s to blame, mind tellin’ us how to stop that thing?”
“We need to strike at the core of it... we need to fight our way through that army of spaghetti golems, hacking a road of pasta until we reach the original Golem of Boyardeea... and then we must strike it down before it reaches its next evolution and gathers ingredients for cheese.”
“Trixie... does not like the sound of that.”
“Um... neither do I,” Fluttershy added. “But, I really must ask if anypony saw Mr. Fluffy because...”
“Alright, we know what we need to do, right?!” Rainbow Dash shouted, rallying the others. “Let’s destroy these abominations and bring peace back to Equestria!”
“RIGHT!” the group, including Trixie, shouted in unison.
o.0.o
Trixie opened her eyes and blinked, looking around at the dull gray-blue room full of ponies and… other creatures… that were sitting next to her. The white light from the strange magical artifacts that illuminated the long room flickered and buzzed in places, giving her a slight headache and a sense of… boredom.
“Wait… wasn’t Trixie just…” images flashed through her confused mind—claws. Lots of red sauce. Screams.—Trixie shuddered and glanced around at the creatures around her. They… were unusual. All sorts, really. Tall, lanky, hairless creatures. Some of the same, but with long pointy ears. Green skinned. Gray skinned with big bulgy eyes… Trixie shuddered again and tried to focus on something else.
In the far distance, she saw a red, glowing sign that had a number on it. By the time she finished reading it, it blinked and turned into a two thousand twenty four hundred and seventeen with a ping-like sound.
“That’s the way it is, honey,” a very old pony next to her coughed. “I’ve been waiting here for several thousand years. I’ve died many times of old age, awaiting my turn.”
Trixie blinked. “What do you mean ‘died’?”
“You’re dead, honey, that’s why you’re here.”
“That is preposterous! Trixie can’t be dead!”
“That’s how it works, honey, or you wouldn’t be here. You just have to wait for your turn.”
“And when, pray tell, is Trixie’s turn?”
“Says in your ticket.”
She looked down at her hooves, where she was holding what seemed to be the ticket. “1T2B1M7HK5K1,” she read aloud. Frowning, Trixie snorted. “Trixie has no idea what this even means, but Trixie refuses to wait past now.”
That said, she jumped to her hooves and started walking down the lane, ignoring grumbles of the different creatures waiting their own turn until she got to the very front of the lane and pushed a very old… thing… out of the way.
Behind a thick glass counter was a blonde-maned—presumably female—version of the lanky creatures without fur or pointy ears. Sky-blue eyes rose from some paperwork, blinking in confusion, before narrowing in annoyance. “I don’t think it’s your turn yet.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie waits for nopony!”
The blonde creature looked even more annoyed. “Look, I have no sympathy for you ponies, and even less for pretentious ones. Get back in line, and await your turn!”
Trixie frowned and looked down at the sign that was in front of the creature. It read:
Your Social Worker for the Foreseeable Future: Megan Williams
On the walls, now that she noticed, Trixie saw that there was a yearly picture of the ‘Employee of the Year’, all of which were the disgruntled girl in front of her.
Shrugging, Trixie looked at the Social Worker askance. “Trixe does not know why you have no sympathy for ponykind, nor does she care. There seems to be some mistake and Trixie has been presumed dead.”
Megan snorted. “Listen, Tricks, I don’t care if you realize what happened or not, but I’ll do you a favor and spell it out: You’re dead. Finito. Ended. Perished. Expired. No longer breathing. You kicked the bucket. You’re pushing up daisies. Extinct. Gone. Stiff. Liquidated. You’ve cashed in. Yo—”
“Okay! Trixie gets it!” Trixie interrupted, slamming her hooves on the shelf. “That still doesn’t explain why Trixie has to wait! The Great and Powerful Trixie waits for nopony!”
“Well, Tricks,” Megan drawled in her annoying accent. “You have to wait like everyone else, because here, we don’t play favorites. This is not heaven, you know, and if your lazy-ass princess, what’s her name… Stellar?”
“Celestia.”
“That’s the one. Well, IF she had been taking care of your Heaven, this…” she motioned with her hands at the room. “Wouldn’t be the mess it is today. Not even her sister… Moon Crater…”
“Luna.”
“Sure. She didn’t do her job either, and now I have to find heavens willing to admit you ponies, because the whole of your Green Pastures is nothing more than a feeding ground for the Smooze.”
“Stop making excuses for your incompetence! The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to either be sent back to Equestria, or at least to get out of this depressing hole!”
Megan gave Trixie a dirty look. “Well, ‘Great and Powerful’, let’s see if you even qualify for a heavenly visit. She snatched Trixie’s number from her magical grasp and fed it into a strange machine.
Trixie watched with interest as the machine made several beeping and booping noises for a few minutes, studiously ignoring Megan’s growing smile... a smile which faded when a ping! announced the appearance of a different ticket.
Grumbling, she snatched the ticket and slammed it in front of Trixie. “Well, what do you know, you actually qualify for one—”
She was interrupted by another ping!
Blinking twice, Megan picked up the next ticket. “Okay, t—”
Ping!
“No way an arrogant mare like you can have thr—”
Ping!
Gritting her teeth, Megan ripped the next ticket from the machine, watching it for a moment before nodding to herself and turning back to Trixie. “Okay, well, now this is a first, but here you go, you can visit four—”
Ping!
With an incoherent roar, Megan turned, took the next ticket and kicked the machine several times, denting it until it sparked and sizzled. Then she kicked it more until it finally fell apart.
Breathing hard, she forced herself to take one long breath and released it slowly before turning back to Trixie.
“Five. You have access to five heavens for you to choose one...”
There was a moment of silence as both, human and pony turned to look at the sparking mess of circuitry on the floor when it sizzled and sputtered little bit more. When nothing happened, they looked at each other again.
“...one to go to spend your afterlife,” Megan finished. She pushed the first ticket towards Trixie, also taking a good look at it. It was white with an inlaid gold border and swirly hoof—or hand—writing. “This one is a ticket to...” she grumbled. “Human heaven. Apparently you impressed the big guy enough by doing something... selfless? Really? You? Anyway, you impressed him enough to give you a chance to take a look around and hang out with the hunks—I mean, angels. Lucky you.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not know what a hunky ang—”
“Carrying on!” Megan interrupted, putting the next ticket on top of it. She stared at it. This was also white... but seemed to have the texture of marble. Embedded on the upper left and lower right corners were, what appeared to be olive branches. The writing on it was not as twirly as the one on the Human heaven, and was rather angled and mathematically exact. “Well, it seems you have been invited to Elysium... for your heroic death.” She gave Trixie a considering look.
“Of course!” Trixie smirked. “Trixie’s death could be nothing but heroic! Why, tales of my heroic sacrifice for my fellow—”
“Yeah, yeah,” Megan waved her hand. “Let’s see the next one.” The next ticket was embossed with gold, depicting a dragon on the right side and a circular shield on the other. “F-for your d-death in gl-glorious battle...” Megan stammered. “You are invited to spend your afterlife in Valhalla.”
“Glorious indeed!” Trixie spoke up, taking a deep breath to explain why, exactly, it was as glorious as the gods had clearly noticed.
“Aaaaaaand the next!” Megan interrupted, raising up a ticket the color of golden sand. Stylized cats adorned both sides of the ticket and before Trixie’s and Megan’s eyes what had been some sort of symbols waved as if under an illusion and became words. “The Goddess Bast would personally like to extend and invitation for you to visit her heaven in thanks for the selfless and valiant rescue of one of her subjects.”
Megan shook her head, and before Trixie could even comment, placed the last ticket, which was printed on paper that looked conspicuously like cardboard, had a depiction of a steaming plate of spaghetti on one side, a mug of what was presumably beer on the other and big letters in red. “For the honor of defeating one of the very few enemies of our pantheon, Trixie Lulamoon is invited to Pastafarian Heaven. Unlimited beer from the Beer Volcano, all the pasta you can eat and entrance to the stripper factory all included.”
The pair looked at the last ticket in silence.
“You know,” Megan finally confessed, “I’m trying really, really hard to understand how you did all five of these things at the same time to merit five heavens. And yet, as curious as I am, I think I’d rather remain in the dark.”
Trixie grumbled, but didn’t argue. “Now what?”
Megan shrugged. “Pick one, and I’ll send you there. Then you, or them, can decide if you stay.”
Trixie nodded and smirked. “Simple enough! The Great and Powerful Trixie chooses…”
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Alright.
A WD Collab-ish deal?
Let's see what ya got.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Hey... uh... Trixie... You seem to have...
derpicdn.net/img/2012/7/23/53826/thumb.png
Yeah never mind.
What is Gravekeeper doing!?
He needs to get back to work on 'The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle'.
Bill and Ted meets My Little Pony.
This is a fucking win.
I had a similar event happen.
~Skeeter The Lurker
well this should be fun
3607724 He has been updating older chapters, not sure if he's updated on his blog but he's redone a few chapters, but he's still just too busy irl so I imagine this will be more of a smaller collab and not really Gravekeeper heavy... Though as a faithful believer, it would be most excellent if we got a new chapter after that last massive cliffhanger.
For now, we at least get something and that's more than nothing.
I have absolutely no idea where this is going, but it's more than funny enough so far.
100,200,100,705,001?
*Laughter dies down from Striker* Okay... this oughtta be good.
What.
Dat was. A massive tease. Though I've curious as to who this mister fluffy is to have allowed Trixie to have been invited by Bast.
Trixie and the 7 Heavens, shortened to 5 due to hardware malfunction.
It was alright, but doesn't seem very Bill and Ted so far. Must wait for more I suppose. Lyra getting her neck snapped and ponies being drained of all their blood to make pasta blood sauce because of another one of Twilight's buck ups was nice though.
This story needs more cheese. Though, gonna suck for those mares... yeesh.
3607831
Well, it's not a crossover.
3607837 Eh, details. This is sounding better than if it was a crossover anyways. Still, holding off on likes and favs till I see more chapters. MOAR!
Pastafarian heaven! XD I imagine that's the one Berry Punch would choose :P
3607923 Did someone say punch?
i1306.photobucket.com/albums/s574/Mr-101/tumblr_m9a0iyiyEQ1rcjmu8o1_250_zpsc01b35a9.gif
This is so awesome /)
(\ and funneh.
How did you know I was in the mood for Trixie stories?
But seriously it is a great coincidence that as I was looking for some 
, you went and post one.
Hope you and Gravekeeper keep writing this.
Trixie ended an enemy of the Pastafarians. Why do I get the feeling it was Twilight and that she ended her with a saddle and some lube?
This will be good. *watches*
I'm guessing Trixie is going to "try out" all these different heavens until she finds the right one.
More likely, she's going to get kicked out of each one.
Let's see if I'm right.
With Wanderer and Gravekeeper involved, it will be glorious either way.
Mr. Fluffy, servant of the Goddess Bast.
static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121027095143/mlp/images/6/67/Fluttershy_showing_cat_to_Rainbow_Dash_S2E07.png
I laughed way too hard. Good job. However, I've gotta admit, this is one of those stories I WANT to be "all just a dream." What can I say? I hate consequences! And dead Trixie is one of those I'd really like to avoid.
Oh, Twilight! You and your constant genocidal magical accidents just make Ponyville life (and death!) that much more delightfully quaint!
Then again, considering how well everyone took all the rampant death and destruction, Twi probably has a "resurrect everyone who died in Ponyville in the past hour" spell she has to cast once a week.
which dimension of humans?
Wow,
Megan is shocked. Smooze lol['
I wonder if she'll get to hang out with Queen Katrina in Bast's heaven?
Whut.
valhalla heaven... I LIKE THIS PONY *smashes trixie to the ground* ANOTHER!
This was sufficiently weird to catch my interest.
I wonder if we've seen the last of Twilight in this story...
Do we get to vote? If so, I need help choosing between pasta heaven and Bast.
Bast because she seems familiar to me, but I cannot remember what for. And Pasta heaven because I want to know what a stripper is to pasta.
Hmm, looking forward to your decision.
EDIT: Bast, Definitely Bast. I like cats.
3612279
Question is, is it pony valhalla, human valhalla, or?
P.S.
Celestia needs to get off her cake induced arse and do her job (i.e. straighten things up there ought a bit).
Trixie has been Touched by His Noodly Appendage?
Ramen! 
I somehow get the feeling that Trixie is going to get kicked out of each and every one of these heavens for being... well, Trixie.
That was interesting and...very very strange.
3614979 why not both?
It seems like this story is a little more "Bogus Adventure" than "Excellent Adventure", at least to start with.
I wonder who is going to play Death, if anyone in particular.
This is retarded yet mildly amusing.
Alright, so Twilight fucks up, Celestia still can't do her job properly, Trixie qualifies for Monotheistic, Greco-roman, Norse, Egyptian, Pastafarian, and possibly more heavens, and she can only stay in one.
Damn, I'd have a hell of at time (pun intended) trying to pick, though if I qualified, I'd expect to be able to travel between them. I mean, who'd want to be stuck with a single deity their entire afterlife? I wouldn't mind playing with kittens with some Egyptian cuisine, followed by getting drunk with Vikings, going to man-paradise, then head back to Cloudtown for a nice nap, then have a few sparring matches before I turn in. And then the next day I could do something else, like listen to philosophers, or watch the living, maybe learn to fly with skeletally impossible wings. Seriously, forever is a long time, a lot of people don't get that.
3616634
Well, because it seems like the various heavens are restricted to universe/dimensions/species etc so they could and maybe should be separate. It also places that statement in a slightly different context depending on which it is.
And where were these tickets when you were dieing all over the place?
3607724
Patience, friend!
The Ballad has not updated since I first joined this site. In fact, I seem to recall it being the, or one of the first things I tracked here!
Regardless, it's state is akin to that of Half-Life 3! Forever in stasis, forever waited upon, yet a shred of hope always remains!
Much like the end of that line the Great and Powerful One handily avoided, now that I think of it.
Writing by Gravekeeper, I thought that was only something spoke of in legends of the Olden Times.
You know I was going to ask if the Golem flew and was worshiped as a god by the misguided, but it turns out that's it's it's nemesis, apparently. You'd think Trixie would pick the Pastafarian heaven, it sounds more like her than the others.
3607751
Wait, he's been redoing chapters? Now I have to go re-read Ballad for the... you know I lost count. The something time.
Why do I get the feeling that The Great and Powerful Trixie will be kicked out of all heavens back to life?
I have no idea how. I have no idea what will happen. But I would really like to read it.
Capitalize
choose from?
Looks like this story's in limbo. [](/badjoke) *ba dum tiss*
I'm so hoping you come back for this! It's so random and fun in the options!