Stories. Ponies. That's all. If you like my stuff, please follow! <3
Human in Equestria16,976 stories ·16,820 members
Crossovers10,943 stories ·7,362 members
The Writers' Group56,389 stories ·9,291 members
Slice of Life8,152 stories ·1,460 members
Humans falling in love with ponies.2,411 stories ·6,065 members
After trying to prove that direct time travel was possible, Frederick's experiment broke, leaving him in a new place. Normally he would dust himself off and start again, but that might prove more difficult than expected.
Mlp:fim belongs to Hasbro. Unox and the universe it references, (the "crossover") belongs to me.
Alternate universe is where Twilight didn't become an Alicorn. Romance starts around chapter 10.
Enjoy, like and fave :)
Page generated in 0.135 seconds
Total duration
619 users online
944,221 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I find that I am liking the story, if the first chapter is enough to safely place my judgement on. And I do not go on saying this to add any pressure to your writing. You have found an idea that has been explored by few authors (to my limited range of knowledge), and I will be anticipating the next chapter.
DarkDime out *clink*
3557639
Can I ask, what part did you enjoy? I ask this so that I can upgrade the new chapters?
If any, what did you least enjoy? I'm finding myself, after rereading it, not liking the parts near the ends. To me, they felt rushed and in a way they were, I guess I was tired of not having anything upnearly 3 months :/
3558001
Well, the beginning parts confused me a bit. I could not exactly tell for sure whether Frederick was human or not (if he was written to be otherwise, I blame the human tag). That being said though, I found that his experimentation with the tear was quite easy to read. Reasons for that being, I myself enjoy scientific material, and the way you described his actions helped me to nearly feel the way he felt. I visualized the scene vividly, and overall, the first section was the part that forced me to read the rest, then Twilight's point of view complimented my decision. Just before the view change though, it dragged a bit.
Moving on to the middle, the characters were projected nicely, the order of events kept things fresh (order in which the team had been rounded up in), and I could even see the mental checklist going off in Twilight's head. Their decisions in going on their trek seemed a little more than coincidental though. I did see where you say the story might have been rushed some, and I understand the need to do so when you have not released any content for a while.
The impromptu critique I put together may have been a but long winded, but you asked for it. My opinion still stands to say that I enjoyed reading your story, and I will patiently await the next chapter.
DarkDime out *clink*
3559362
Frederick is human, but from a different universe, one of my own creation. This will mean that there will (and has) be references to that world.
Thanks for the feedback, I'm halfway through chapter 2, so I'll modify it.
3559454
Thanks for clearance, but it seems fairly complex. I guess it will open up new possibilities for things that would normally be impossible. I am intrigued.
DarkDime out *clink*
I found this to be pretty good chapter to a story, so far. I like the base story and can't wait to read more. Although, I do have some constructive criticism to give. Now, I'm no writer, but I know a decent amount in grammar, so, here I go...
The main thing that bugs me is when you quote somebody, you use apostrophes when you should be using quotations.
I tend to see when writers put in their story a 'thought bubble' per say, they do it like this: "Boy, I'm thirsty. I wish I had some water" Thought Popeye as he dragged his feet in the desert sand.
Something that I like in reading stories is some obvious way to tell when you are going to a different scene, skipping ahead in time, or going back in time to relive a moment. Now, you did good so far with separating some instances. But, fer instance, a point in your story goes:
On this, I think you should add a simple line across separating the text. Otherwise, it just feels like it melds together.
That's all for now. I do like the base story line and can't wait to read more of it. Good job!
3561275
Thanks for reading and enjoying.
The part about the apostraphies is that they can be used in place of quotation marks in English books. I have read at least two that do this. one is the necronomicon and the second is "The last wish" (a witcher book, translated from polish to english).
While it is a valid point and I can understand you brining it up, I don't think I will be changing them. Maybe if enough people ask me I will.
For the second point, about the transition. I'll fix that now.
Plus, look out for chapter 2 once I upload it in soon. :)
Thanks
3561314 Oh, okay then. I didn't know that. I'm just used to seeing quotes in quotations, so it just seems weird. But, I can respect that you have a different writing style.
And I'll be lookin' out fer the next chapter.
Oh, and I need to read some of your other stories. I like the idea of a human in Equestria.
WARNING TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT READ THE STORY YET: spoilers in my comment!
What an odd place to end the story at...
Good job on the story so far but, two points in the story confused me..
When Twilight ran ahead of the group to check out the wreckage, it didn't actually specify that she ran ahead.
And a couple of things in this bit...
Why would he say he's leaving? Why would his dad block the doorway? Why would he warn his dad he didn't want to hurt him? It all just seems odd to me.
Also..
I don't even know what's going on here. I'm guessing Frederick punched his dad through the wall with magic??
And one more...
Just logic doesn't seem to apply to him here. I don't think anyone could run fer hours. But.. I guess it is a dream.
But, besides all that, I enjoyed the story!
3563190
In the first scene, it says that the group lagged behind Twilight and she didn't notice.
The second and third point are valid, but I guess it is a dream :/ i'm not really sure how to represent rhat kind of stuff. I'll get it edited and back out, i have someone waiting to do that.
Edit: I have edited those parts to make it seem he is out of character for the dream...
3563229 Oh I guess I missed that part.
To my second point I guess you could do somethin' like: In a haze of magic and fear, Frederick punched his dad through the wall and ran out the door.
To my third point you could do somethin' like: He ran for what seemed like hours when he finally stopped in what looked like a bad part of the city. Things looked much different here.
3563252
Quite literally a few seconds before you posted, I changed it.
3563256 Oh wow, that's funny.
I like the changes. Much less confusing.
Hey, maybe I could be one of your proofreaders or somethin'
3563269
I'm using random people atm to read through it. Mostly my friends, though I'd have to stop that.
You're missing the word time here.
3640599
Thanks :)
What. A. Bitch!
I found myself hooked in this story, not many HiE's has a mage on them. The best one I read was Machinations of a Trickster. I hope this doesn't diasappoint, but from what I read you're doing great so far.
3649400
Of course, I'll try not to dissapoint :)
is there any thing specific, other than a mage in the story, that you found enjoyable? Just so I know what to do better next chapter?
3650384 Not much as of the moment. I find it amusing that his powers aren't overpowered or underpowered(I hope I'm right about this one) and the fact that you use runes makes this mores interesting. I like the running gag seeing him naked.
... not much as of the moment.
I feel like Luna is also getting in to the romance business.
...or is it just me?
Hmmm..
3659958
Maybe she's just lonely and needs the excitement to stop herself from going crazy.
Or maybe that xD either way, she's bored.
I'm not sure how I feel about Luna in this chapter. She understands that he's in a whole new world without friends or family and shes mad at him for being mad. I figure if anyone could really understand him it would be her and even then she had her sister. Aside from that this is a fairly interesting fic.
3663441
She's more of annoyed that he's shouting at the ponies who brought him to the hospital, more than anything. But I see your concern.
And thanks :)
Hmm, something about Celestia strikes me as wierd.
Hmmm...
3673663
How so?
The princess needs to punish a few fools.
3675304 I think so too.
A captain of the royal guard, the highest military rank in the country, acting like that? If he is not demoted to to foot soldier I'll be disappointed.
Btw, you really 'caught' the prey mentality good.
Ps. Most other stories use " in the start and end of dialogue. Using ' feels weird to me.
3675788
What do you mean, 'prey' mentality?
3675796 I mean that ponies/horses are not predators, they are prey animals. Therefore they react badly to the unknown (As seen in the series).
Civilians would run and hide (Fight or flight instincts), and if trained, they'd tilt towards fight. But because they still have prey instincts they would make assumptions and act on them quickly, because that is the only way prey animals can survive.
TL:DR. Prey will make assumptions and act on them according to their fight or flight instincts, without a lot of after or forethought.
3675819
Ahh, fair enough. I was only thinking of how most people would react lol. But good to know I can do it.
"Rarity flipped her hair, 'I think I'll make him some clothes as an apology, It's the least I could do. OH, I don't have his measurements!'"
.
Because cloths are always the answer
I feel this sums up her characterization http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBRv-4zF0L8
Also he seems to be the most depressing character in the history of forever.
"Sugarcube Corner is a bakery and confectionery located in Ponyville. It is operated by Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Pinkie Pie works and also lives there."
?
Why is it a restaurant
static.kontraband.com/sites/kontraband/files/images/gallery/teaser_image/2013/05/22/-1.jpg
She became suicidal a bit too fast don't you think?
3682250
Her whole family disowned her and her bf was basicaly dead in front of her. She's not suicidal, just delusional atm. It didn't say suicidal. (Ill specify that in the morning.)
but good point...
With all the hate in Canterlot, I have a feeling a few Wendigos will appear soon.
Equestrian ice age 2.0.
3686566 This right here needs to happen. Maybe not this story if you already have such things planed but in some story cause Canterlot is just horrible when it comes to manners in alot of fics. Cause lets face it, every society needs to be knocked on its arse every so often. To help bring things into perspective.
3687018
I don't have every plot point figured out. Maybe it would be cool to do that.
Lol, DO IT!
hummmm
3693643 whats up?
hummmm
hummmmmm
lol nice
hummmm
lol
wow ok
3694033
What's wow?
Fuck you Shining Anus.